T.S. Quint Quotes in Mallrats (1995)

T.S. Quint: But they're engaged.

Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.

T.S. Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up.

Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?

Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.

T.S. Quint: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?

Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.

T.S. Quint: Of course it is.

Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.

T.S. Quint: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.

Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside, of said designated square, is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject...

Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda Gross's mother after she called him "low class".

T.S. Quint: That wasn't me. It was you.

Brodie: Oh, yeah.

T.S. Quint: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.

Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

Brodie: After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.

T.S. Quint: How do you propose I do that?

Brodie: You stinkpalm him.

T.S. Quint: Stinkpalm?

Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.

T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie: Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"

T.S. Quint: Whats the point?

Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.

T.S. Quint: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.

Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

Jay: Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style.

Brodie: Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?

Jay: No, *Wolverine*! Shnickty shnickty shnoine!

Brodie: See, what he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.

T.S. Quint: I never would have guessed.

Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".

T.S. Quint: She didn't!

Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.

T.S. Quint: Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"

Shannon Hamilton: Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay.

[yells it right in T.S.' ear]

Shannon Hamilton: The customer is always an asshole!

Gwen: How is it that you recall the most trivial events?

Brodie: I'll never forget it. How many times do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?

Gwen: Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?

Brodie, T.S. Quint: Except for the moustache.

T.S. Quint: How much did you smoke?

Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.

T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you?

Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.

T.S. Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?

Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.

Jay: He's fucking dead!

Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.

[T.S. and Gwen approach them]

T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?

Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.

Brodie: I had it coming.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit! Come on, Silent Bob.

[Jay and Silent Bob leave]

T.S. Quint: What really happened?

Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.

Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?

T.S. Quint: You know that guy?

Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.

T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

T.S. Quint: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?

Jay: Look who you're asking!

T.S. Quint: Why do palm reading topless?

Brodie: It makes the news easier to take. She could tell me I was going to die in ten minutes, just as long as she told me topless.

T.S. Quint: Your maleness amazes me sometimes.

Shannon Hamilton: You're sure you saw her get on?

T.S. Quint: Maybe she was getting off...

T.S. Quint: Maybe he's calmed down, we'll talk about it reasonably.

Brodie: Reasonably shmeasonably, you should go over there and give him shit.

Brodie: Brandi is the past my friend. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.

[Brodie gets knocked down by a metal beam]

T.S. Quint: You should learn to heed your own advice.

Brodie: Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?

T.S. Quint: Looks like a stage is being erected.

Brodie: What is this monstrosity?

T.S. Quint: Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.

Brodie: Impossible, the Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall, it's been there since two days after Christmas. I want answers!

T.S. Quint: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?

Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.

Gil Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.

Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?

T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now - a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man.

[Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store]

Brodie: Hey, what's going on in there?

Steve-Dave Pulasti: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.

Brodie: Warned? What the fuck are you talking about?

Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave!

Brodie: Fuck you, Fanboy!

T.S. Quint: [breaking up the fight] When you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.

T.S. Quint: I was going to propose to her.

Brodie: Where?

T.S. Quint: The Universal Tour.

Brodie: You're kidding. What part?

T.S. Quint: When Jaws popped out of the water.

Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

T.S. Quint: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.

[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]

T.S. Quint: What's he doing?

Jay: Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.

[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]

Jay: Knock it off!

Brodie: [to Silent Bob] The force is strong with this one.

Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.

T.S. Quint: [reading the break-up letter that Renee gave Brodie] Woah, she calls you "callow" in here.

Brodie: You say that like it's bad.

T.S. Quint: It means frightened and weak-willed.

Brodie: Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.

Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.

T.S. Quint: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.

Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.

[TS elbows Gwen in the chest, she hits him in the groin]

Brodie: [Kicking him on the ground] See, that's what you get for fucking with me.

Brodie: You used to like tits too.

T.S. Quint: Hey, I love tits as much as the next guy, but why should I pay some old hag good money for some supernatural chicanery coupled with a pair of sagging wrinkled weathered boobs?

T.S. Quint: We slept together one time, do you remember, that ski trip?

Gwen: That was you?

Ivannah: It's the third nipple that does it.

T.S. Quint: Oh, you have a third nipple? I didn't notice.

Brodie: What are you *talking about*? It's as clear as day! Look at it for god's sake!

Ivannah: You can stare at it. I don't mind.

T.S. Quint: That is one of your more admirably deplorable traits. You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother or an entire senior citizens' community if you believed in the principle.

Brodie: Yeah, but only if they were really old.

Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?

T.S. Quint: No, why do you ask?

Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.

T.S. Quint: You think that's why Renee dumped you? Come on, she's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...

Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.

T.S. Quint: [Retches]

Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I'm relaxed I squirt.

T.S. Quint: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.

Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.

T.S. Quint: You're such an anal retentive bastard.

Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but oh no. You wanted to play little league instead.

Brodie: There is something out there that can help us ease our simultanious double loss.

T.S. Quint: What? Ritual suicide?

Brodie: No, you idiot, the fucking mall!

T.S. Quint: I'd prefer ritual suicide.

Brodie: Oh come on man it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand, you have to try 'em. They're awesome.

T.S. Quint: I got to hit the bathroom.

Brodie: PLEASE. Don't say "hit".

[about the indoor flea market]

Brodie: Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.

T.S. Quint: Neither does any self-respecting consumer.

Ivannah: Fucussa.

Brodie: That's what I was thinking.

T.S. Quint: She said 'focus'.

Brodie: Whatever.

Brodie: You know how when someone lays with their back to you, and you lay behind them really close and you throw one arm over them?

T.S. Quint: It's called spooning.

Brodie: Yeah, but you gotta put the other arm somewhere. You can either lay on it or shove it between your bodies. The only other option is to stretch it above your head. But sometimes my arm pops out of socket when I'm sleeping like that. So I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm while still laying close to her.

Gwen: And?

Brodie: What do you mean, 'and'? That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship. I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.

Saleslady at Lingerie Store: [crying] I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me.

Brodie: Little Trisha here is only fifteen, but somehow she's a senior.

T.S. Quint: How did you manage that?

Brodie: [Makes sucking noises]

Tricia Jones: Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.

Brodie: Yeah, right. So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. Or what?

T.S. Quint: Jesus, Brodie!

Brodie: Hey guys, you'll never guess who I just met.

[looks at the two suitors on the floor off camera]

Brodie: What happened to these two?

Jay: Power of the dark side.

T.S. Quint: Wait a minute. There's only two. There's supposed to be three! What happened to the third guy?

Jay: I never saw a third guy.

[Gil enters and looks down at the two on the floor; both he and Brodie take an instant dislike to each other]

Gil Hicks: What happened to these two?

T.S. Quint: Um... they got light headed.

Jay: You got that right.

Gil Hicks: So, what's going to happen now? They going to cancel the show?

Brodie: What do you care, asshole?

Gil Hicks: I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks, Suitor Number Three.

T.S. Quint: We're gonna take their places. Hi. I'm T.S. Quint, this is my friend Brodie Bruce.

Gil Hicks: Hey, didn't Svenning have you arrested?

Brodie: [belligerent] Look man, don't give him any shit!

Gil Hicks: Hey, do I get a chance to field any more questions?

T.S. Quint, Brandi: [in unison] NO!

T.S. Quint: How do I do that?

Gil Hicks: Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?

Roddy: [enters] Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of depheria.

[looks down at the two guys on the floor]

Roddy: What happened to these two?

Jay: The homeboys got a case of the mad munchies!

Gil Hicks: [points to T.S] Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?

Roddy: Why yes it is. All right Quint, I don't know how you got back in here, but we're postponing the start of the show until I call Mr. Svenning. You've brought down the fire, well now you've got it! Security!

Brodie: Hey, Roddy!

[Brody puches Roddy out]

Security Guard: [enters] Somebody call security? What happened here?

Brodie: Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention.

Gil Hicks: That's not what happ...

[Brody stomps on Gil's foot, silencing him]

T.S. Quint: Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start.

Security Guard: Whatever.

Brodie: [to Gil] Look asshole, just go out there with us and behave, and you'll be just fine.

[to Jay]

Brodie: Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob.

Jay: Check. Say, where is that tubby bitch?