Swanson Quotes in The Comedy (2012)

Waitress: Do you have those clean glasses?

Swanson: [doesn't answer, looks her up and down]

Waitress: ...I'm sorry, are you deaf?

Swanson: [covering his nose] Oh, God, your fucking breath, it smells like this dirty, this, oh-I can't tell if it's the trash here, or your breath.

Waitress: There was something I was meaning to ask you, have you tried using the dish soap to clean out your asshole?

Swanson: Yeah, I use it all the time.

Waitress: Because you stink.

Swanson: [gesturing to the sink] I actually, this is where I shower, I shower, I put my head in here...

Waitress: Oh really, you can fit in there?

Swanson: Yeah. Oh you know what Rodrigo was asking me about, uh, making some bread, and I guess they're out of yeast, so they were wondering if they could use, uh, some of the yeast from your vagina, 'cause I notice how infected it gets?

Waitress: Yeah, he spoke to me about that, and I directed him to, uh, ask you about your dick cheese. See if that would maybe help.

Swanson: Oh, wow. So good, so funny! You're so funny!

Waitress: You are! You are!

Swanson: I didn't realize you were so funny!

Waitress: I didn't realize you were!

Swanson: ...you know I'm a convicted rapist, right? They told you that?

Waitress: No.

Swanson: Oh really, I thought they were supposed to let all the employees know about that.

Waitress: No, they didn't tell me.

Swanson: Yeah, I rape anything I can get my hands on. Alright?

Waitress: Mm-hm.

Swanson: [getting the glasses] Are these for you?

Waitress: Thank you.

Swanson: Okay, great, good luck!

Waitress: Bye, bye!

Swanson: [affecting a southern accent while talking to his sister-in-law, who remains silent] Oh Liza, Liza. Them slaves be workin' hawd out heah. Dyin' out there in, in the thousands. In de sun. Just keelin' over from de heat. From de HEAT-UH. Come on, now. Ain't it good, ain't it right, to see them die? How hawd dey work? For dis fam'ly? Poppa use dem skin for makin' nice furniture. He tans 'em out dere, and makes a nice - that couch you on, in dere is all slave meat. Slave skin. As it should be. Lawd bless 'em. Slave penis and vagina. Come on, that's funny. I know you think that's funny. You ain't-your sense of humor ain't died. It's a good crop of slaves we have this year, innit? Real nice, nice bunch. I got to know 'em personally. Some of 'em, I know 'em by their first name! Old man be dead by now, I 'spect. Ain't breathin' too good. I 'spect he won't, he won't, shine too, too kindly on our family. He got one son out dere on a boat. He got another boy up dere, inna looneybin. Married to some whore. Who sh-who, who rubs, uh, who, who rubs, rubs sh-rubs shit on her vagina! Some whore, got, you-you are, you the kind of whore that, you the kind of whore that swallows cum. You are my only cum-swallowing sister-in-law, and I appreciate it. Cum swallower. That's the proudest thing to be, in this family.

Swanson: Make yourself at boat.

Swanson: [affecting a demonic voice, in a church] You are the de-you are in the demon's house.

Swanson: Why do you keep having to push them buttons?

Male nurse: Sometimes things need to be reset.