Stuntman Mike Quotes in Grindhouse (2007)

Stuntman Mike: Do I frighten you?

[Arlene nods]

Stuntman Mike: Is it my scar?

Arlene: It's your car.

Stuntman Mike: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. It's my mom's car.

Stuntman Mike: Well Pam, which way you goin' left or right?

Pam: Right.

Stuntman Mike: Aww, that's too bad.

Pam: Why?

Stuntman Mike: Well, because there was a fifty-fifty shot on whether you'd be going left. You see, we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left too and if that was the case, it would have been awhile before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately!

Pam: Take a picture, it lasts longer.

Stuntman Mike: What?

Pam: That table. Seems to keep them getting your attention.

Stuntman Mike: Is that the girl from the billboard outside?

Pam: Yup.

Stuntman Mike: She sure is a striking looking woman. Look at that hair.

Pam: Lots of leave-in conditioner.

Stuntman Mike: Is that jealousy I detect?

Pam: Hardly. But if you wanna get with Jungle Julia, there's a real easy way to do that.

Stuntman Mike: Yeah? And what would that be?

Pam: Get famous. You won't have to find her, she'll find you. And you don't even wanna know what she did for that billboard. Enjoy it cocksucker, you've earned it.

Stuntman Mike: What did she ever do to you?

Pam: We went to school together, from kindergarten to high school, that's what she did to me. She was her height right now at twelve. She was a monster! Half the guy she still fucks from the old class she used to beat up and terrorize in the fifth grade.

Stuntman Mike: And I see she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk.

Pam: That pituitary case might've kicked my ass a couple of times... Sorry, I'm built like a girl and not a black man, but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.

Pam: Hey Warren, is there anybody in this place you could vouch for to give me a ride home?

Stuntman Mike: [tosses keys across table in front of Pam] Fair lady, your chariot awaits.

Pam: You've been eavesdropping?

Stuntman Mike: [chuckles] Eavesdropping and can't help but hear, I think I belong in the latter category.

Pam: So, uh, "icy hot", you're offering me a ride home?

Stuntman Mike: I'm offerin' you a lift, if, when I'm ready to leave, you are too.

Pam: And when are you thinking about leaving?

Stuntman Mike: Truthfully, I'm not thinkin' about it. But when I do, you will be the first to know.

Pam: Will you be able to drive later?

Stuntman Mike: I know looks can be deceiving, but I'm a teetotaler. I've been drinking club soda and lime all night, and now I'm buildin up to my big drink.

Pam: Which is what?

Stuntman Mike: Virgin Pina Colada.

Pam: [pause] Okay. Why would someone who doesn't drink spend hours at a bar, drinking water?

Stuntman Mike: You know, a bar offers all kinds of things other than alcohol.

Pam: Hmm, really. Like what?

Stuntman Mike: [pause] Women. Nacho Grande platters. The fellowship of some fascinating individuals, like Warren here.

Pam: Fair enough. So what's your name, icy?

Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.

Pam: [pause] "Stuntman Mike's" your name?

Stuntman Mike: You can ask anybody.

Pam: Hey Warren, who is this guy?

Warren: Stuntman Mike.

Pam: And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?

Warren: He's a stuntman.

Stuntman Mike: You know how people say, YOU'RE OKAY IN MY BOOK, or AND IN MY BOOK THAT'S NO GOOD. Well, I actually have... a book. And everybody I ever met goes in this book. And now I've met you, and... YOU'RE GOING IN THE BOOK TOO. Unfortunately, now I'm gonna have to file you under chicken... shit.

Stuntman Mike: The woods are lovely dark and deep, and I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me butterfly? Miles to go before you sleep.

Pam: So how exactly does one become a stuntman?

Stuntman Mike: Well, in Hollywood, anyone fool enough to throw themselves down a flight of stairs can usually find someone to pay them for it. But really, I got into the business the way most people get into the stunt business.

Pam: How's that?

Stuntman Mike: My brother got me in it.

Pam: Who's your brother?

Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Bob.

Stuntman Mike: How do you think they accomplish that?

Pam: CGI?

Stuntman Mike: Well, nowadays unfortunately you're right more often than not. But back in the all or nothing days, the Vanishing Point days, the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days, the White Line Fever days, they had real cars crashing into real cars and real dumb people driving em.

Pam: [Stuck in Stuntman Mike's car] If you just stop right now, you know, and, and let me out, I'll never tell anybody...

Stuntman Mike: Hey, Pam, remember when I said this car was death proof? Well, that wasn't a lie. This car is a hundred percent death proof. Only to get the benefit of it, honey, you REALLY need to be sitting in my seat.

[slams his foot onto the brake and sends Pam flying face-first into his dashboard]

[last lines]

Stuntman Mike: Be careful, my right arm's broken!

Kim: What, *this*?

[cracking]

Stuntman Mike: Oww!

Abernathy: Such a fuckin' cry-baby!

[punches Mike, the other girls take turns]

Zoe: Oh, you want some of this?

Abernathy: Fuck yeah!

Kim: Come here!

Abernathy: Ha ha ha!

[series of punches]

Abernathy: Motherfucker!

Kim: Motherfucker!

Abernathy: Asshole!

[Zöe delivers a spinning kick to Mike's face, and the girls throw their hands up in victory]

Pam: So what's your name icy?

Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.

Pam: Stuntman Mike's your name.

Stuntman Mike: You ask anybody.

Pam: Hey Warren, Who is this guy?

Warren: Stuntman Mike.

Pam: And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?

Warren: He's a Stuntman.

Stuntman Mike: [to Zoë] Get ready to fly, bitch!

Stuntman Mike: [as he rams into the Challenger] Hey, Abernathy, you wanna get hot? You wanna get hot? Suck on this for a while, bitch!

Stuntman Mike: [after losing the girls] Yeah, yeah, Yeah! Jesus fucking christ... it's about time!

Stuntman Mike: So, how about that lapdance?

Arlene: What's your name again?

Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.

Arlene: Well, Stuntman Mike, I'm Butterfly. My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive.

Stuntman Mike: Yeah, it is.

Arlene: Yeah? Why don't you go get ready for your lapdance?

[Stuntman Mike gets up and walks back into the bar]

Arlene: Hey, Mike.

Stuntman Mike: Yeah?

Arlene: No touch.

Stuntman Mike: No.

Arlene: I touch you, you don't touch me.

Stuntman Mike: I know.

Arlene: Good.

Stuntman Mike: Ladies, we're gonna have some fun.

Stuntman Mike: [to Arlene] There are few things fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.

Pam: Is that cowboy wisdom?

Stuntman Mike: I'm not a cowboy, Pam. I'm a stuntman.

[looking at a photo of Jungle Julia]

Stuntman Mike: You got a kiss for me, my girlfriend?

Stuntman Mike: Well, Pam... Which way you going, left or right?

Pam: Right!

Stuntman Mike: Oh, that's too bad...

Pam: Why?

Stuntman Mike: Because it was a fifty fifty shot on wheter you'd be going left or right. You see we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left, too. And if that was the case... It would have been a while before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately!

Stuntman Mike: [as he drives] Hey, Pam, remember when I said this car was death proof? Well, that wasn't a lie. This car is 100% death proof. Only to get the benefit of it, honey, you REALLY need to be sitting in my seat.

[slams his boot to the brake and sends Pam flying face-first into the dashboard]

Stuntman Mike: [handing Arlene and Jungle Julia beers] Cheers, Butterfly. The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. And I have promises to keep. Miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me, Butterfly? Miles to go, before you sleep.

Jungle Julia: Sorry, Stuntman Burt...

Stuntman Mike: [angrily interrupting her] Mike.

Jungle Julia: Mike. She already broke off that dance.

Stuntman Mike: Is that true? Did I... miss my chance?

[Arlene doesn't respond]

Stuntman Mike: Do I frighten you?

[Arlene silently nods]

Stuntman Mike: Is it my scar?

Arlene: It's your car.

Stuntman Mike: Yeah, I know. Sorry, it's my mom's car.

Arlene: Have you been following us?

Stuntman Mike: No, but that's what I love about Austin - it's just so damn small.

Jungle Julia: [to Arlene] You seen this guy before?

Arlene: I saw him outside of Gueros.

Stuntman Mike: I saw you outside of Gueros, too. You saw my car, I saw your legs. Now look, I ain't stalking you all, but I didn't say that I wasn't a wolf.

Arlene: So you really weren't following us?

Stuntman Mike: I'm not following you, Butterfly. I just... got lucky. So, how about that lap dance?

Jungle Julia: Sorry, it was a one-time only offer and she did it earlier this evening at Anton's.

Stuntman Mike: No, she didn't.

Arlene: How do you know?

Stuntman Mike: I'm good that way. And you look a little touché.

Arlene: What's touché?

Stuntman Mike: Wounded, slightly.

Arlene: Why sould I be wounded?

Stuntman Mike: Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night, but from your look I can tell nobody pestered you at all. That kind of hurt your feelings a little bit, didn't it? There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.

[Arlene smiles]

Stuntman Mike: [slowly] So, how about that lap dance?

Arlene: I think I'm going to have to give you a rain check.

Stuntman Mike: Well, since you'll be leaving in the next couple of days, that rain check will be worthless. But that's okay. I understand if I make you uncomfortable. You're still a nice girl, and I still like you. But I must warn you of something - you know how people say "You're okay in my book" or "In my book, that's no good"? Well, I actually have a book.

[Stuntman Mike pulls out a little book from his back pocket]

Stuntman Mike: And everybody I ever meet goes in this book. And, now I've met you, and you're going in the book! Except, I'm afraid I must file you... under... "chicken shit."

Arlene: [grabbing the book] And what if I did it?

Stuntman Mike: Well, definitely couldn't file you under "chicken shit" then, now, could I?

Arlene: What's your name again?

Stuntman Mike: [quietly] Stuntman Mike.

Arlene: Well, Stuntman Mike, I'm Butterfly. My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive.

Stuntman Mike: Yeah, it is.

Arlene: Yeah.

[hands Stuntman Mike back his book]

Arlene: Why don't you get ready for your lapdance?

Stuntman Mike: Get ready to fly, bitch!

Stuntman Mike: Well damn if you ain't so sweet you make sugar taste just like salt.

Pam: So what's your name, icy?

Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.

Pam: Stuntman Mike's your name.

Stuntman Mike: You ask anybody.

Pam: Hey Warren. Who is this guy?

Warren the Bartender: Stuntman Mike.

Pam: And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?

Warren the Bartender: He's a stuntman.

Stuntman Mike: You know, a bar offers all kind of things other than alcohol.

Pam: Hmm. Really? Like what?

Stuntman Mike: Women, nacho grande platters, the fellowships of fascinating individuals like Warren here. Alcohol is just a lubricant for all the individual encounters that a bar offers.

Pam: [talking about Mike's car] Are you sure it's safe?

Stuntman Mike: It's better than safe. It's death proof.

Jungle Julia: [to Arlene] I think you got Mike laid tonight.

[the two of them laugh]

Jungle Julia: [to Stuntman Mike] Looking good, Cannonball Run!

Pam: He's just giving me a ride.

Jungle Julia: Oh, no doubt.

Arlene: [waves to them] Have a nice ride.

[they go back to laughing]

Pam: Look, double-fucks...

[she approaches them]

Pam: ...I am not gonna fuck him!

Stuntman Mike: [as he lights a cigarette] I can hear you!

[Jungle Julia and Arlene laugh and Pam approaches even closer]

Pam: He's old enough to be my da...

Stuntman Mike: I can still hear you!

[the girls go back to laughing]

Pam: Bye!

Stuntman Mike: [screams from his car] I'm sorry!

Kim: What?

Stuntman Mike: I didn't mean to, I was just... playing around!

Zoë: Oooh, he was playing around...

Kim: BUT I AIN'T PLAYING WITH YOU!

[hits Stuntman Mike's car]

Stuntman Mike: Be careful, my arm is broken!

Kim: [grabs Stuntman Mike's broken arm] Oh, this one?

Juana: So how'd you become a stuntman?

Stuntman Mike: I learned it from my brother... Stuntman Bob.

Stuntman Mike: [after getting shot by Zoe and speeding off. He drives to a remote road, and observes his wound in his arm in pain] AAAAHHHH!

Stuntman Mike: AHHH, GOD! No! No, no, no!

Stuntman Mike: [Tries touching the wound] AAHHHHHH! No, God!

Stuntman Mike: [Pulls a whiskey bottle out of his glove compartment, and tries to open it with his teeth] Ah, come on! Come on!

Stuntman Mike: [Drinks the whiskey, then pours it on his arm] AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! God! AAHH! No, no! No, God!

[Calms down]

Stuntman Mike: Okay, get it together man...! Come on, what are you? What're you gonna do...? God...!

Pam: Hey, Warren! Is there anybody in this place you could vouch for to give me a ride home?

Stuntman Mike: [tosses his keys across the bar] Fair lady, your chariot awaits.

Pam: Is that cowboy wisdom?

Stuntman Mike: I'm not a cowboy, Pam... I'm a stuntman.

Pam: So what's your name Icy?

Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.

Pam: Stuntman Mike's your name?

Stuntman Mike: You ask anybody.

Pam: Hey Warren. Who is this guy?

Warren the Bartender: Stuntman Mike.

Pam: And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?

Warren the Bartender: He's a stuntman.

Stuntman Mike: [about Jungle Julia] What did she ever do to you?

Pam: We went to school together from kindergarten through high school. That's what she did to me. She was her height right now at 12. She was a monster. Half the guys she still fucks she used to terrorize in the fifth grade.

Stuntman Mike: And she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk, huh?

Pam: That pituitary case? Might have kicked my ass a couple of times... sorry, I'm built like a girl, not a black man...

Stuntman Mike: [before he charges his car at Kim, Abernathy and Zoe's car a second time] NOW!

[he places his foot on the accelerator]

Pam: [seeing his car] Wow, that's fucking scary.

Stuntman Mike: Yeah, well, I wanted it to be impressive and... scary tends to impress.

Pam: Is it safe?

Stuntman Mike: No, it's better than safe. It's death-proof.

Pam: How do you make a car death-proof?

Stuntman Mike: Well, that's what stuntmen do. You've seen a movie where a car gets into some smash-up there ain't no way in hell anybody's walking away from?

Pam: Yeah.

Stuntman Mike: Well, how do you think they accomplish that?

Pam: CGI?

Stuntman Mike: Well, unfortunately, Pam, nowadays more often than not, you 're right. Tsk. But back in the all-or-nothin' days. Vanishing Point days, the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days, the White Line Fever days... real cars smashing into real cars. Real dumb people driving 'em. So, give the stunt team the car you want to smash up, they take her and reinforce that fucker everywhere and, voila! You got yourself a death-proof automobile.

Pam: That makes sense. I just didn't know you could make a car death-proof.

Stuntman Mike: Well, I can drive this baby into a brick wall doing 125 miles an hour. Just for the experience.

Pam: Why is your passenger seat in a box?