Stifler Quotes in American Pie 2 (2001)

Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.

Jim: What are you doing?

Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts.

[hands Jim the dildo]

Jim: Where did you get this?

Stifler: Finch's ass.

[during drive to lake]

Stifler: Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.

[Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room]

Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches

Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me!

Finch: You touch me, I bite.

Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?

Little Boy: [into walky-talky] Red leader, what's your position?

Stifler: [on walky-talky] I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin his ass, I'm touchin' his ass...

Little Boy: Mommy!

Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?

Jim: Uh, at the movies.

Kevin: Took the bus.

Oz: Coffee.

Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?

[Stifler thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony]

Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.

Stifler: I got peed on!

Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?

Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.

Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.

Heather: [On the phone to Oz] Oz what should I do now?

Stifler: [Also on the phone pretending to be Oz] Oh Heather baby. Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.

Oz: Stifler get off.

Stifler: I am getting off listening to the two of you. Keep going.

Stifler: [Stiffler and Jim have just kissed passionately, trying to get the girls to do each other] Dude, you're a fuckin' LOUSY kisser.

Jim: What? That's not fair! I wasn't TRYING there.

[to the girls]

Jim: I'm really bett...

Danielle: No judgment.

Jim: Wait a second, you were trying?

Stifler: Fuck, no!

Jim: You WERE trying!

Stifler: YOU were trying! Oh no I kissed Jim!

Jim: That counted.

Stifler: That totally counted.

Danielle: That's the way to kiss your mother.

Stifler: [to Finch] DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING.

[Nadia is sitting at a table drinking a Pepsi when Sherman comes over to start a conversation]

Sherman: [a few minutes into the conversation] I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.

Nadia: And I am lucky lady?

Sherman: Nadia, you've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.

Nadia: Fuck me, geek!

Sherman: Affirmative!

[Sherman and Nadia go upstairs to have sex]

Stifler, Jessica: No fuckin' way!

Jessica: [Thinking if she would actually be able to get with Stifler] Forget it.

Stifler: Like you have a chance!

[Both knock back a shot]

Stifler: Jim. Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.

Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.

Oz: Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.

Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

Stifler: There's little hearts on her panties. There's little hearts on her panties.

[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]

Jim: Which room, man? Which room?

Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold.

Stifler: Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.

[Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz]

Jim: Amazing.

Stifler: Yes, the force is strong in that one.

[Stifler's brother shows off two girls he picked up]

Stifler: Brilliant. You found Lesbians.

[scoffs]

Stifler: Good luck trying to break through that force field.

Danielle: Lesbians?

Amber: We never said that.

Stifler: What?

Amber: We never said that.

Stifler: Oh... Oh, man. I will do anything... ANYTHING to sleep with you, chicks, okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room. I'll caress it even. I'll even shave some ass if they need it!

[sounds of revulsion from young men at party]

Stifler: Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!

[the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]

Stifler: Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do.

[starts undoing his shorts]

Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.

[Finch and Jim run away]

Finch: I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT.

Jim: PUT THAT THING AWAY STIFLER.

Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.

Stifler: [answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stiffler's palace of love... STRAIGHT love.

Stifler: Where are the Fuckin' females?

Stifler: Oh God, I kissed Jim.

Stifler: You stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jiz-free ficus.

Stifler: Finch, fist yourself!

Male EMT: [when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated] Excuse me, sir, are you a family member?

Stifler: Fuck no, this is just too good to miss!

Male EMT: OK sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?

Stifler: [ambulance drives away] Ha, ha! This summer's turned out to be great!

Stifler: How many girls did you sleep with this year?

Jessica: Wouldn't you like to know.

Stifler: Fuck yeah I would.

Stifler: Who the hell was that?

Oz: That was uh... that was...

Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.

Kevin: Yeah

Oz: Yeah, turned around.

Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.

Stifler: [regarding Oz] The force is strong with that one.

Stifler: Hey, Mr. Party Guy, how ya doin'? Ya havin' a good time? Can I get ya a Gin and Tonic? Ring-Ring, oh hold on. Hello? Yeah? Haha! It's for you, it's GET TO WORK, FUCKER!

Stifler: My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.

Stifler: It's on like Donkey Kong, beeyotch.

Paul Finch: Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me ?

Stifler: Because I'm surprised to see you don't have tits.