Steve Stifler Quotes in American Pie (1999)

Steve Stifler: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, Bitches.

Steve Stifler: Sherman!

Chuck Sherman: Hay!

Steve Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?

Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?

Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!

Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [On being sensitive] You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.

Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

Steve Stifler: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?

Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?

Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.

Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?

Steve Stifler: What? Whatever.

Steve Stifler: You actually said that?

[laughs hysterically]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!

Jim: You did better than me Nova.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.

Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.

[shouts]

Steve Stifler: *suck me beautiful!*

[walks off, laughing]

Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen shit brick lately?

Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?

Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.

[shows a jar of laxatives]

Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!

Steve Stifler: She called me and asked for my number.

Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?

Steve Stifler: [vomiting] Fuck you!

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.

Jim: Cassanova!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.

Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.

Steve Stifler: Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.

Kevin: Really Stifler, he's the manager.

Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!

Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!

Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!

Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?

Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

Stifler's Brother: [after Jim prematurely ejaculates touching Nadia] What happened? What did he do?

Steve Stifler: He blew it.

Kevin: Were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?

Finch: Not us, our generation, we were more mature.

Steve Stifler: Check it out vagina shark.

[goes under water, girls scream]

Finch: I take that back.

Steve Stifler: [after punching Dr. Ron out] I ain't worth jackshit, D-Ron.

Finch: How is your mother, Stifler?

Steve Stifler: You stay away from my mom, shitbricks!

[repeated line]

Steve Stifler: Oh, Finch's mom!

Jim's Dad: It is so great to see all you kids back in town. And what a terrific soiree are you throwing here tonight. Just wonderful.

Steve Stifler: You know what? I'm gonna get you fucked up.

AJ: Did you just refer to yourself as the Stifmeister? Coz that's, like, the lamest name ever.

Steve Stifler: I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Steve Stifler: Fuck yeah, Mr. Levenstein!

Jim's Dad: [Drunk] The name's Noah, motherfucker!

Steve Stifler: Morning, co-workers and cock-jerkers!

Kevin: You destroyed their Jet Skis

Steve Stifler: They splashed us, so...

Steve Stifler: Hey, Shitbruck, when you're getting rammed by your cellmate tonight, think of Kevin.

[from trailer]

Steve Stifler: Ladies, you'd better be working hard - you weren't hired for your looks. Actually you were. Not you.

Sherman: [Talking about his divorce] At least I got to keep little Furlong.

Steve Stifler: You named your kid after Eddie Furlong?

Sherman: Yes I did. You know why? Because Terminator 2 is still the greatest film ever made.

Steve Stifler: Dude, you need to get banged bad.

Steve Stifler: [Whispering as he drops his shorts and sits on some high school students' cooler] I'm shitting in their cooler.

Jim Levenstein: [Gagging] I'm going to throw up.

Rachel - Finch's Mom: If there's anything I learned from lacrosse players, it's that I like to handle a stick and cradle those balls.

Steve Stifler: [Excitedly] I love you.

Rachel - Finch's Mom: Are you ready for me, Stifler?

Paul Finch: Grandmother-fucker.

Steve Stifler: Mother fucker.

Paul Finch: Yes I am.

Steve Stifler: Oh, you son of a bitch.

Steve Stifler: Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

Steve Stifler: [about having sex with Cadence] I'm gonna be like, "You like this shit Momma?" And then she'll be like, "Fuckin' right doggie. Suck on my nipples like, like you're milkin' a cow."

Steve Stifler: Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand?

[Hits Finch in the groin]

Steve Stifler: Bang-cock.

Jim: Alright, Stifler. Um, this... this is a little, uh, difficult to explain. Look, you're... you're okay. You're okay. I... I... I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.

Steve Stifler: Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.

Jim: Well, dude.

Steve Stifler: [Jim and Stifler are both on the tackling sled] Come on. Work it! Hustle!

Jim: See my mom didn't know that there was a misunderstanding.

Steve Stifler: Push it! Move it! Come on!

Jim: You're not invited!

Steve Stifler: Hold!

[Jim and Stifler jump off the sled]

Steve Stifler: Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married? I've been looking out for your sex life since high school.

Jim: You what?

Steve Stifler: Ohhhh! Ohh! The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me. The first girl he ever hooked up with was at my party at my cottage. That girl is the girl he's marrying. The Stif-man showed him the way. Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?

Football Team: Hallelujah, Stifler!

Steve Stifler: But, my fuckers, this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister, the grand fucking facilitator to attend the wedding. Who sucks donkey dick?

Football Team: [chanting] Jim sucks donkey dick!

Jim: The answer is no. Okay? I'm sorry!

Steve Stifler: I can dance.

Jim: What?

Steve Stifler: I can dance.

Steve Stifler: It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. 'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and rock out with my cock out.

[At the wedding]

Paul Finch: Grandmotherfucker.

Steve Stifler: Motherfucker.

Paul Finch: [smiling] Yes, I am.

Steve Stifler: Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth.

Steve Stifler: Observe the fuckin' Stifmeister, what is his defining characteristic?

Jim: He uses the F-word excessively?

Steve Stifler: [grins] Thanks man.

Steve Stifler: Dickhead. You do not send shit to my office at school.

Jim: Oh, hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?

Steve Stifler: Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it. Let me just refresh your memory, partner. 'Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar'.

Jim: I put serious thought into that letter.

Steve Stifler: Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Paul Finch: Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.

Steve Stifler: They're gay?

Paul Finch: No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated.

Steve Stifler: So, they're gay.

[after Stifler has sex with Jim's grandmother]

Kevin Myers: You're a hero.

Steve Stifler: Pussy is pussy.

Steve Stifler: Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.

Cadence Flaherty: So, can I see the ring?

Steve Stifler: Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket.

Cadence Flaherty: Okay, Frodo.

Steve Stifler: [chanting] Gonna hava sex witha Caadence.

Steve Stifler: Shhiittt, I got a frosted ass crack! Hey Finch, you want this for here, or to go?

Paul Finch: "A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.

Steve Stifler: "Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.

Steve Stifler: Jim's getting married, isn't he? Holy fuckin' shit! This is major! Do you have the slightest idea of how important this is? We get to have a bachelor party. Yes! We celebrate the death of Jim with a party in his honor. Chicks and boobs. Tits and ass. Titties, ta-tas, casabas, bazoongas all up in our friggin' faces! Come on, buck up fellas. Show some enthusiasm. It's gonna be fuckin' great. Oh, my god!

Bear: SO Stiffy, What do you think?

Steve Stifler: What the fuck Buffalo Bill?

Bear: What? Too much pink?

Steve Stifler: It puts the dress in the drawer and does as it's told.

Bear: Oh now that's fucked up... THAT'S FUCKED UP!

[repeated line]

Steve Stifler: Fuckin' right, doggie!

Steve Stifler: If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.

Steve Stifler: You hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds and you passed up sex with Nadia, fucking stupid. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.

Steve Stifler: I eat the shit here!

Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite?

Jim: "Impolite" would be an improvement.

Steve Stifler: What is this, a dance off?

Steve Stifler: Dick. 'Fucking hate not hating you.

Paul Finch: I did fuck your mom.

[smiling]

Paul Finch: Twice...

Steve Stifler: Hoo... That's better fucker.