Steve McCroskey Quotes in Airplane! (1980)

Steve McCroskey: Johnny, what can you make out of this?

[Hands him the weather briefing]

Johnny: This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl...

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

Rex Kramer: Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field.

Steve McCroskey: Bein' done right now.

[On the runway, a truck dumps a full load of lamps onto the ground]

Ted Striker: Mayday! Mayday!

Steve McCroskey: What the heck is that?

Johnny: Why, that's the Russian New Year. We can have a parade and serve hot hors d'oeuvres...

[reading newspaper headlines]

Rex Kramer: Passengers certain to die!

Steve McCroskey: Airline negligent.

Johnny: There's a sale at Penney's!

Steve McCroskey: Gunderson, check the Radar Range. Anything yet?

Gunderson: [gets up and opens the door of the Radar Range microwave, which is roasting a turkey] About two more minutes, chief.

Steve McCroskey: Two more minutes? They could be miles off course!

Rex Kramer: That's impossible. They're on instruments!

[cuts to the cockpit, where Striker, Elaine, Randy and Rumack are all playing musical instruments]

Steve McCroskey: [seeing airplane from tower] It's coming right at us!

[he then jumps out of a window]

[repeated lines]

Steve McCroskey: Johnny, how 'bout some more coffee?

Johnny: No, thanks!

Steve McCroskey: [to Mrs. Oveur] Now your husband and the others are alive, but unconscious.

Johnny: Just like Gerald Ford.

Steve McCroskey: I need the best man on this. Someone who knows that plane inside and out and won't crack under pressure.

Johnny: How about Mister Rogers?

Steve McCroskey: [talking to Rex Kramer] Ease off, Rex. He hasn't flown for years; it's not his fault. It could happen to any pilot.

Johnny: It happened to Barbara Stanwyck.

Steve McCroskey: Can't push him too hard; he might break. You gotta remember who you're dealing with.

Johnny: Nick! Heath! Jared! There's a fire in the barn!

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up till now.

Jacobs: Well, let's see. First the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it.

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, what have you got on Elaine Dickinson?

Jacobs: Well, I'm two inches taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be with.

Elaine Dickinson: [speaking into handset] Hello, this is the Mayflower. Come in. Anyone?

Steve McCroskey: Okay okay. Now we're making some headway.

[responds into handset]

Steve McCroskey: Yeah yeah, we read you Mayflower. Identify yourself.

Elaine Dickinson: Well, this is Elaine Dickinson. I'm 5-foot-8, 123 pounds. I have, uh, brown hair, blue eyes. I enjoy surfing, backgammon and men who aren't afraid to cry.

Steve McCroskey: [after hearing Striker on the radio] A man - now that's more like it.

[to the radio]

Steve McCroskey: Come in Mayflower 1, give me your name and position.

Striker: My name's Striker and I'm sitting down and facing front. Why would you want to know that?

Steve McCroskey: And I can sum it all up in just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, Ted Striker's got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!

Steve McCroskey: Striker? Striker, Striker,

[turns away from his control screen]

Steve McCroskey: *Strike Her*!

[a man behind McCroskey punches a woman]

Steve McCroskey: [speaking to the entire control room] Now listen to me and listen good. If you got any ideas, any ideas at all, now is the time. I want to hear them and I want to hear them now!

Jacobs: How about a game show like Hollywood Squares but with kids? Gary Coleman could host.

Steve McCroskey: Listen good. That thing is bound to come apart on you at that speed, and that's no good! It's got to be in one piece when you land on the moon! You know damn well that that warp drive has never been tested!

[stabs his cigarette into the left hand of the controller sitting next to him]

Steve McCroskey: You're putting yourself and everybody else on that ship in jeopardy!

[cuts to the cabin of the shuttle, where Art Fleming is suddenly doing a match of Jeopardy! with the passengers as the contestants]

Jeopardy Host: All right, Contestant #38.

Male Passenger: Art, I'll take Air Shuttle Disasters for $40.

Jeopardy Host: The answer is...

[the display with $40 on it rotates to reveal the answer]

Jeopardy Host: ... the Mayflower!

Steve McCroskey: [he hears lots of static on his two-way radio] Striker, you're fading out! Come in. Over.

[more static]

Steve McCroskey: Damn! We lost him!

Controller #1: Could be those sun spots.

Jacobs: Could be your dishwashing detergent.

Steve McCroskey: Would somebody please tell me what in Sam Hill a woman is doing up there in charge of that ship?

Jacobs: Well maybe she's got her ship together.

Steve McCroskey: Get me radio contact with that ship, pronto!

Controller #1: Yes, sir!

Controller #3: [walks over carrying some papers. He is carrying them with an oven mitt] Here's all the available information on the sun, sir. That thing is *hot*.

[McCroskey touches the hot papers and burns his hand]

Steve McCroskey: Get me Bud Kruger immediately and some ice!

Controller #3: Yes, sir.

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs.

[Jacobs hops over]

Steve McCroskey: I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up 'til now.

Controller Jacobs: Well, let's see: First, the Earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes-Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it.

[Jacobs turns and starts to walk away, continuing to speak, trailing off as he gets further from the camera]

Controller Jacobs: He took her best summer dress out of the closet and he put it on and went to town...

Steve McCroskey: [walks over to a wall and stands next to a portrait that depicts him standing next to a portrait that depicts him] Things sure haven't changed.

Hallick: Passenger's name is Joe Saluki. He was supposed to fly to Des Moines for an operation, something to do with sexual impotence...

Steve McCroskey: The Des Moines Institute?

Hallick: You know it?

Steve McCroskey, Bud Kruger, The Commissioner: We're familiar with it.