Steve Quotes in Masterminds (2016)

Steve: What should I call you, sir?

Steve: Nothing. You don't ever need to see me or know my name. You can refer to me as Geppetto.

David Ghantt: Geppetto?

Steve: Yeah, Geppetto. As in Pinnochio. As in, I pull the strings.

David Ghantt: I think he means Stromboli.

Steve: What did you call me?

David Ghantt: Nothin'. I just think you mean Stromboli. Geppetto was just a woodcarver. Stromboli was the puppeteer.

Steve: They gotta learn that presents don't just show up under a Christmas tree. I'd like to see these turkeys go out and earn seventeen million dollars. They wouldn't even know where to begin.

Mike McKinney: So. Who do y'all want me to kill?

Steve: Whoa, ho, Mike! We'll talk about it later. Not now. Not in front of...

[he nods toward his young sons]

Mike McKinney: [whispers] Oh, I see... is it one of them?

Steve: [seeing porno on Calvin's computer] Forward that to me.

Steve: Being called a cocksucker isn't personal?

Dalton: No. It's two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response.

Steve: What if somebody calls my mama a whore?

Dalton: Is she?

[Dalton walks in on Steve having sex with a girl in the supply closet]

Dalton: Yo, Steve! You're history.

Steve: But I'm on my break!

Dalton: Stay on it.

Steve: Ah, shit!

CJ: Excuse me, not to shit on anyone's riff here, but let me see if I grasp this concept, okay? You're suggesting that we take some fucking parking shuttles and reinforce them with some aluminum siding, and then just head on over to the gun store where we watch our good friend Andy play some cowboy-movie, jump-on-the-covered-wagon bullshit? Then we're going to drive across the ruined city through a welcome committee of a few hundred thousand dead cannibals. All so we can sail off into the sunset on this fucking asshole's boat?

[Points to Steve]

CJ: Head for some island that for all we know doesn't even exist?

Kenneth: Yeah.

Tucker: Pretty much, yeah.

Ana: [nods her head]

Michael: Yeah.

Steve: [gives a sarcastically enthusiastic "thumb up"]

CJ: Okay. I'm in.

Michael: Truck's not gonna make it to Fort Pastor.

Steve: No, forget the truck. That place is fucked, man. Bloodbath city.

Kenneth: How do you know?

Norma: We just came from there.

Kenneth: Is everyone there dead?

Steve: Or dead-ish.

Kenneth: [more firm tone] Is everyone there dead?

Steve: Yeah, in the sense that they all, sort of, fell down, and then... got up and... started eating each other.

Steve: [playing "Hollywood Squares" with Andy] Oh, oh. Rosie O'Donnell. Tell him to get Rosie.

Kenneth: Oh, yeah. Rosie.

Tucker: No, too easy. Give him something hard.

Ana: You guys had really rough childhoods, didn't you? Little bit rocky?

Steve: Hey, sweetheart. Let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor, blow my fucking head off.

Ana: [nods] Oh, yeah, you can count on that.

Michael: There's no point in arguing about this. We need a solution. We need to get some food over there.

Steve: Okay. I have an idea. We draw straws and the loser runs across the lot with a ham sandwich.

Ana: Could you be a bigger prick?

Steve: I think so. But, you know, that's irrelevant. My question to you is, what's your plan?

Steve: I have an idea. While we're at it, why don't we drop by the marina, hop in my boat and take it for a pleasure cruise, you jackasses!

Ana: Wait, that's a good idea. There's islands out there. There's not many people on them.

Steve: I was kidding.

Steve: It's nice to see that you've all bonded through this disaster.

Michael: [to Norma on her rescue] Well done.

Norma: Thanks.

Steve: Hey, I'm sorry, excuse me... when you two fellas are done blowing each other, maybe Davy Crockett could tell us the deal here?

Steve: Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Why does he stay here while I go on the suicide mission to rescue Terry's already-dead girlfriend?

Terry: Fuck you, man!

Michael: We don't know that.

CJ: You know what, asshole? Either way we gotta get over there and get the guns to get out of this parking lot, all right?

[Ana is talking to Tucker at Hallowed Grounds and then looks over at Steve, who is pouring himself a cup of coffee]

Ana: Well, it's nice to see you busting your ass today.

Steve: Oh, that's sarcasm. That is awesome.

[forced laugh]

Steve: Yeah, you know, I would love to help, but a captain never works alongside his men.

[Dangles his keys in front of Ana and Tucker and then whips them, making a cracking sound as he does so]

Steve: You guys, have a good one.

[He leaves]

Ana: What a total dick.

Michael: Help should be along soon.

Steve: Did you hear that from the same jackass who told us to go to St. Verbena?

Michael: The church downtown?

Steve: Yeah, some dipshit on the radio said it was safe there... He was wrong!

Steve: [Waiting by the trucks, sees everybody running to them] Hey, what the hell happened to you guys?

Michael: Give me the keys!

Ana: [Running past] Prick!

CJ: [Pushes Steve] I'll deal with you later, motherfucker!

Michael: Steve, don't fuck this up!

Steve: Yeah, totally.

Steve: I run a tight ship.

Michael: [Everyone is sitting down to dinner] Before that I worked in a stationary store. And I drove a snowplow. Fixed copiers.

Steve: God, it's such a shame that this whole "end of the world" thing's holding you back.

Steve: Still don't trust me?

Stella: I trust everyone. It's the devil inside them I don't trust.

Steve: that's an interesting saying, it's very charming, I knew a guy who said that. He said it all the time. In fact he said it exactly like that

Steve: [in a restaurant] You blew the best thing you had going for you. You blew the element of surprise.

[Charlie punches Steve]

Charlie Croker: Surprised?

Steve: [in a restaurant] Don't talk about right or wrong with me, man, because I don't give a shit. Okay? You got your cards, I got my cards. We made our play, and I came out on top. Okay? Now, if you want to start the game up again, that's fine with me. What is your play here, really? Come on, what do you? What do you think? You'll try to take out my guards, right? I have five of them that you don't know about. You'll try to have Lyle hack the system? I'll change it again tomorrow morning. What was your final move? I mean. Have Bridger's daughter come in and try to crack my safe? That's very poetic and all, but I just don't see it. I don't think she'll get anywhere near it.

Charlie Croker: Same old Steve huh? Always thinking defensively. That's why you're always number two.

Charlie Croker: [in a restaurant] You've got no imagination. You couldn't even decide what to do with all that money, so you had to buy what everybody else wanted.

Steve: Try this on your imagination, okay. That gold is already gone.

Stella: You know this was never about the gold.

Steve: What ever helps you sleep at night sweetheart.

[Stella punches Steve]

Steve: Bitch! Charlie! Come on, Charlie!

Left Ear: Damn.

Steve: Where's my truck? What the fuck happened to my truck?

Steve: [in a restaurant] The gang's all here.

Stella Bridger: You know, the only thing worse than a thief is a coward.

Steve: Then you shoulda seen the way your daddy begged for his life.

Charlie Croker: Hello Steve.

Steve: Charlie. Not bad, Charlie. Really, not bad.

[as Mashkov's men are taking him away, Steve's panicking]

Steve: Look, I'll double whatever Charlie's given you, just don't shoot me!

Mashkov: Don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you. No, I'm going to take you to my workplace. I think you'll be very interested in some of the machinery I use.

Charlie Croker: Steve, what the hell are you doing?

Steve: [pointing a gun at them] Made a few plans of my own.

John Bridger: There's nowhere you can go where we won't find you, Steve. You know that.

Steve: I think that's probably right, John.

Steve: [as he is being dragged away] Come on, Charlie.

Steve: [to Charlie] You're out of moves. The game is over. Just give up already.

Steve: [to Charlie, referring to Stella] Put a leash on your cat.

Stella: I don't go out with strange men. I just met you five minutes ago.

Steve: I guess I'll just have to sabotage my cable, you know, till we get to know each other well enough.

Steve: So if I was to ask you out for dinner, would I be the first one of your customers to ever do that?

Stella: Did you ask your last cable repair guy out to dinner?

Steve: No. But the last one was like three hundred pounds and had a handlebar mustache, not exactly my type.

Steve: Take your hands off the wheel! Don't even think about it, just do it!

Charlie Croker: Steve, how we looking?

Steve: [in one of the rooms in their joint] Papa took the boat to work at 8:15, so the garage is empty. Mama left with daughter at 8:30 for pre-school as usual. So for the next 45 minutes, we own this place, gentlemen.

John Bridger: I want to propose a toast. To us!

Charlie Croker, Lyle, Left Ear, Handsome Rob, Steve: Yeah!

Steve: Stop them before they hit the street.

Kevin McCullers: Man, why don't we just do his job, so we can do our job and get the fuck out of here?

Steve: What do you mean, "do his job?" What am I, a cold-blooded killer? I'm not a cold-blooded killer.

Kevin McCullers: Now, wait a minute...

Steve: No, you wait a minute. You want to kill the good guy but not be the bad guy. Doesn't work like that. You have to wait until the bad guy kills the good guy, then when you kill the bad guy, you're the good guy.

Kevin McCullers: So - just to clarify - if we do his job we're the bad guys, and if we do our job we're the good guys.

Steve: Yes.

Kevin McCullers: That's... great.

McCullers: You got any ideas how you wanna wax this guy?

Steve: Can't you just say 'kill'? Ya always gotta romanticize it.

Steve: Tell you what, why don't I take the weekend off and *you* kill him, since you two are so close?

Steve: If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go... wait... my bad it's backwards. If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live!

Mr. Tall: [Whisper kind of voice] Are you boys 21? Are you 21?... Say yes!

Darren Shan: Yeah.

Steve: Yes.

Mr. Tall: [Same whisper voice] Good, you don't have a tendency towards panic, sudden cardiac arrest, or crippling anxiety do you?... Say no!

Darren Shan: No.

Steve: Nope.

[shakes head]

Mr. Tall: Good, go right in, the show is about to start.

Darren Shan: I hate you!

Steve: I hate you!

Steve: Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Steve: [on the phone] I'm sending the maid out with a message

[the maid exits the house and only gets a few feet before being cut down in a hail of bullets]

Steve: [back on the phone] Stantin... did you get the message?

Steve: [after Warren deliberately tosses the diamonds a few feet] JESUS CHRIST! Is that the best you can throw?

Girl In Cabin: [while stripping down to her underwear] I took this cruise to get myself out of the country.

Steve: Why?

Girl In Cabin: There's a stupid little murder warrant out for my arrest

[throws her underwear over her shoulder, then lays down on the bed, completely nude, on her stomach]

Steve: [angry in the wake of Bagman's beating by local police, and Billy's refusal to consider promotion for the troupe] Dammit, Billy, you're all stone-broke most of the time. And you take in every damn longhair that knows how to make a pair of sandals, and you wanna pick up the Blue Cross tab? Do you have the slightest idea what gas is selling for, or two-by-fours, or hamburger or anything else?

Billy: You think it's breaking up?

Steve: It's money, Billy. It's all to do with money. Money makes the world go round, even your world.

Billy: No, it's just getting too tough. It's tough to live by the code. I mean, it's real hard to live for something that you believe in. People try it and then they get tired of it, like they get tired of their... diets. Or exercise. Or their marriage. Or their kids, or their job, or themselves... or they get tired of their God. You can keep the money you make off this sick world, lawyer, I don't want any part of it. Anybody who wants to live more for themselves doesn't belong with us. Let them go out and buy some pimpy psychiatrist's paperback that says it's okay, don't ask me to say it's okay, it's NOT okay!

Bagman: [breaking the awkward silence] Once, I was in a jail in Alabama, and I got my ass kicked, just like I did last night, only then it was because I was a nigger-lover.

[Merlin begins playing his harmonica]

Bagman: Well, I woke up in the morning, and I didn't even have energy enough to lick my wounds. I found out I'd given up. So I tried to kill myself. Tried to cut my wrists with a bedspring.

[Laughs]

Bagman: See, I'd found out that I'd given up on it all because of where I was, what was all around me. Well, last night I get my ass kicked, and I came up laughing. Because now, I'm in Camelot.

Billy: [waking a disoriented Bagman, who was asleep by the campfire] There's not two different fights, there can't be two different fights. You got to fight for your ideals, and if you die, your ideals don't die. The code that we're living by is the truth. The truth IS the code! I can't let people walk on that idea, I can't!

[He rises, heads to the motorcycles]

Steve: [waking as Billy starts his motorcycle] What the hell's going on?

Merlin: [who has been watching silently all along] Billy's using your bike.

Steve: Very impressive. You killed this guy.

Steve: What did I just tell you? Please do not touch anything that's part of the driver's console. It's not safe. Besides, everything is set the way I like it.

Steve: It's not always this easy. This guy happens to be a moron.

Cosmo Reif: Do you remember talking to me last night?

Steve: No, did I call you?

Cosmo Reif: I called you.

Steve: Oh, good.

Cosmo Reif: You sounded...

Unison: Weird.

Steve: I can get weird at night. It's nothing. You won't say anything to anyone, will you?

Cosmo Reif: No.

Steve: Good man.

[pause]

Steve: Is this a car?

Cosmo Reif: I took a Yoga class this morning.

Steve: Really?

Cosmo Reif: I thought it might help me to relax.

Steve: I've tried that. I've tried everything. Glug, glug, glug - that's what works for me.

Cosmo Reif: Don't you want to take that toilet paper off your face?

Steve: I really care if these guys see me this way.

Cosmo Reif: Fine, just doesn't seem very professional to me.

Cosmo Reif: You're bleeding. A lot.

Steve: No shit.

Cosmo Reif: It's going to get on the upholstery.

Steve: Open the fucking door!

Steve: Remember, guns don't kill people, WE kill people.

Steve: If you've never been on a date before, how did you ever get laid?

Cosmo Reif: You know, different ways...

Steve: Hookers.

Cosmo Reif: Yeah.

Steve: And you've never had a girlfriend...

Cosmo Reif: No, never. I *have* been seeing the same hooker for a while.

Steve: I ain't a pimp. I'm Walt Disney, and this is Disneyland!

Steve: Hey, fresh meat! What you need? Gambling? Girls? You name it. Poker? Pinochle? Poon tang?

Steve: [about to phone] What's the name of the hotel where you are supposed to meet Jeff?

Vanessa Shelton: Why? Who are you calling?

Steve: The police, naturally.

[she jumps up and clicks off the phone]

Steve: Wow, what does that mean?

[still with receiver in his hand]

Vanessa Shelton: [sighs] Wait, Steve.

[shakes head]

Vanessa Shelton: I can't do it.

Steve: What's wrong? You're moist.

[scoffs]

Steve: Did those three days at the cottage heat up the old romance? I thought you were better than that. Can't you realize, if we don't have him arrested, he'll kill you?

[she lowers her eyes, sits down again, and he cradles the phone]

Steve: And by now, he knows you're a... a bitch.

Vanessa Shelton: [flaring up] Of course I'm a bitch! But that's precisely why you've been able to sit comfortably in your chair and talk about law and justice. I was the one who was risking my skin out there. It was me who had to marry Weber. I was the one who had to go to bed with him.

Steve: [sarcastic] I could have offered myself, but I don't believe Weber would have appreciated my charms, darling. At least I have one thing to my credit. I discovered you! I set the whole Vanessa mechanism in motion, the operation that means we now have a billion dollar organization right in our hands!

[taps desk with pen]

Steve: In any case, Jeff is finished. They have his name on their list. They'd catch him sooner or later. You know how many dead men he has on his conscience.

Vanessa Shelton: What about you? You're the one who wanted Weber killed.

Steve: [tuts, shaking his head] We both did, darling. But he won't be on our consciences. We just shifted the blame from you to him. Jeff was the one who pulled the trigger. The sooner it is over, the better it will be for all of us... even for him.

[throws down his pen]

Steve: Where is he waiting for you?

[she hesitates]

Steve: [as she sits at her dressing table] You know you're beautiful... even in clothes.

[the clink of champagne glasses, and he kisses her on the back of her head]

Vanessa Shelton: [ice princess] I know. There's no need for a toast and flowers, Steve. There'll be lots of them afterwards.

Steve: It Isn't for the ceremony, it's for us. Celebrating

[pops bottle]

Steve: the good news.

[gestures towards maid, and she leaves]

Steve: It seems they found,

[pouring champagne]

Steve: or rather, identified him in Africa, with mercenary troops. With a fake name, of course. One of the Nicholson brothers told me. I'm talking about Jeff, obviously. I wonder how he managed it, to get out of the States and reach Africa?

[takes a sip of champagne]

Vanessa Shelton: Then everything's all right. Africa's far enough away, isn't it? And dangerous enough?

Steve: I would have preferred a more definitive solution.

Vanessa Shelton: I like that word, 'definitive'... it's very refined. But to me, it... sums up a picture of Jeff twisting in the electric chair, or... riddled with machine-gun bullets.

Steve: You frighten me, Vanessa. You agreed to... to betray him. But you're still possessed by that... that killer with the smell of death on him.

Vanessa Shelton: I catch the same smell on you, Steve. Only much stronger. At least, he always took his own risks. People like you...

[rising from her vanity table to face him]

Vanessa Shelton: like us, if you want... they never risk anything... at least, almost never.

Steve: [opening attache case] I have your speech for you.

Vanessa Shelton: [coming nearer] I don't need that. I know what to say. Don't underestimate me, Steve.

Steve: You're learning fast, Vanessa, very fast. But you still need me. We've done everything together, and we'll make it together. But I was the brains, and I still am. Don't forget it. When we're able to get married, once a decent period of mourning is over, I'll show you how far I'll be able to take you. How far we can go.

Vanessa Shelton: [coldly] I know very well where I want to go. But I also know that I want to go there by myself. You were right, Steve, it's wonderful to be powerful and strong. But power can't be shared.

[raises her hand]

Vanessa Shelton: It has to be held by one pair of hands. My hands, in this case.

Steve: Be careful how you treat me.

Vanessa Shelton: Steve, at the new WI building, from the doorman who opens the car door, to the board members at the top of the building, they'll all be waiting for me, the widow Weber, with the majority of the shares. Keep smiling, darling, you're still my faithful, trusted attorney.

Steve: Excuse me, guys... can I see your invitations?

Brad: Is this your house?

Steve: Yes.

Brad: Your party?

Steve: Yes.

Brad: Can we get in?

Steve: No.

Eric: C'mon Brad, let's just go.

Brad: No no no no... Steve... Steve, we can get in, right?

Steve: You don't got an invitation. You don't go in.

Brad: You don't GOT an invitation? Steve, quick English lesson; it's don't HAVE an invitation. As in 'Hi, my name is Steve. I don't have brain.'

Steve: You're just a natural little Shakestein, aren't you?

Brad: Shakespeare, Steve... it's Shakespeare. Didn't you see the 'No Idiots' sign on the front lawn?

Eric: That guy is such a jerk.

Steve: Hey, forget him. He's just compensating for a tiny...

Eric: Nose!

Josie: We can't change who he is... not without dropping him in a vat of toxic waste.

[pause]

Josie: Steve!

Steve: Where would we even find a vat of...

Josie: *Steve*!

Steve: [stretching out his arms for a hug] William Theodore Stronghold, come here!

Will Stronghold: Wait, you're not mad?

Steve: My boy has super-strength! How can I be mad?

[hugs Will, cracking his backbones]

Will Stronghold: [groans in pain] Ow!

Steve: Sorry.

[Will hugs Steve back]

Steve: Ow,you ARE strong!

Steve: All right, if your mom asks, you tell her I read you the riot act and I took away your xBox.

Will Stronghold: But I don't have an xBox.

Steve: Are you sure?

[Steve spins a chair to reveal a large, nicely wrapped present for Will]

Steve: What's your name, what's your power?

Ethan: I'm Ethan, and I melt.

Steve: Ok.

Zach: I'm Zach, I glow.

Steve: I see.

Magenta: Magenta, I shape-shift.

Steve: Shape-shift?

Magenta: Into a guinea pig.

Steve: Son, I'm only going to asking you this.

Will Stronghold: Dad, I swear, I didn't plan this.

Steve: All right. That's good enough for me.

Josie: Steve, I've got half a mind not to let him go to homecoming!

Will Stronghold: That's fine; I'm not going anyway.

Steve: Whoa, whoa, your mom said she had half a mind!

Steve: [re: the Pacifier] This is my most prized possession, Will.

Will Stronghold: Wow. What does it do?

Steve: No idea.

Josie: [flies to tackle a giant robot on Will's first day at Sky High] You sure he'll be ok? What if he forgets his lunch?

Steve: Josie, Josie, you've got to stop babying the boy!

Josie: You're right, you're right...

Steve: Will, I just want you to know how proud I am that you'll be attending my alma mater and someday following me into the family business.

Will Stronghold: Real Estate?

Steve: Right.

[winks]

Steve: Real estate.

Will Stronghold: [pretending to have super strength by bench pressing an extremely heavy weight] 200... Hi, Dad, just trying to get some sets in before school.

Steve: Yeah, low weight, high reps, that's the key. You don't wanna bulk up...

Will Stronghold: Yeah, I'm going more for definition.

Flint Lockwood: Steve, my best friend and trusted colleague!

Steve: Steve!

Flint Lockwood: Can I count on your help?

Steve: [Holds up sardine can he's been trying to open] Can.

Flint Lockwood: I knew I could.

Steve: Gummi bears!

Flint Lockwood: What do you guys want for breakfast?

Steve: Gummi Bears!

Flint Lockwood: Whoa, Steve, no. We both know how you get around Gummi Bears.

Sam Sparks: How about, eggs?

Flint Lockwood: And toast?

Sam Sparks: Orange toast?

Flint Lockwood, Sam Sparks: And bacon!

Flint Lockwood: Sam.

Sam Sparks: Flint.

Flint Lockwood: Sam.

Sam Sparks: Flint.

Tim Lockwood: Flint.

Flint Lockwood: Dad.

Steve: Steve!

Tim Lockwood: [sighs] Look, when you... when you cast your line... if it's not straight, um...

Sam Sparks: Oh, for crying out loud.

[Sam puts Flint's Monkey Thought Translator on Tim's head]

Tim Lockwood: [in a robotic voice] I'm proud of you, Flint. I'm amazed that someone as ordinary as me could be the father of someone as extraordinary as you. You're talented, you're a total original, and your lab is breathtaking. Your mom, she, uh, always knew you were going to be special. And if she were alive today, she'd tell us both: I told you so. Now, uh, look, when I take this thing off, and... you hear me make a fishing metaphor, just know that fishing metaphor means...

Tim Lockwood: [Tim takes off the Monkey Translator and speaks in a normal voice] I love my son.

Flint Lockwood: I love you too, Dad.

[the crowd applauds]

Shrimpanze: [puts Steve's mind device on it's head] Shrimpanze

Steve: [snatches it back] Steve

Shrimpanze: [swipes it again] Shrimpanze

Steve: [grabs it once more] Steve

Shrimpanze: [does it a third time] Shrimpan...

Steve: [Steve retrieves his thought device then knocks the shrimpanze overboard] SHOVE!

[dances]

Steve: STEVE

Steve: [Flint throws him into a teleporter] Afraid

Steve: [spasming after the food animals throw him back out of the teleporter] BANNA... BANNA

[gets electrical shocks causing him to attack Flint]

Steve: [returning to the island] Home... home... home... home

Slim: Who was the girl, Steve?

Steve: Who was what girl?

Slim: The one who left you with such a high opinion of women.

[Slim kisses Steve]

Steve: What did you do that for?

Slim: I've been wondering if I'd like it.

Steve: What's the decision?

Slim: I don't know yet.

[They kiss again]

Slim: It's even better when you help.

Slim: What are you trying to do, guess her weight?

Steve: She's heftier that you think.

[lays down fainted woman he has been carrying]

Steve: Better loosen her clothes.

Slim: You've been doing all right.

[stops him from loosening clothes]

Slim: Maybe you'd better look after her husband.

Steve: He's not going to run out on me.

Slim: Neither is she.

Slim: I'm hard to get, Steve. All you have to do is ask me.

Steve: You know what you're getting into. It's gonna be rough.

Johnson: [Referring to Eddie] I don't see why you keep that man around!

Steve: Eddie was a good man before he became a rummy.

Slim: Give her my love.

Steve: I'd give her my own if she had that on!

Capt. M. Renard: By the way, what are your sympathies?

Steve: Minding my own business.

Title Card: [first lines]

Title Card: Martinique, in the summer of 1940, shortly after the fall of France.

Title Card: Forte de France

Steve: Morning.

Officer at port: Good Morning, Captain Morgan. What can I do for you today?

Steve: Same thing as yesterday.

Officer at port: You and your client wish to make a temporary exit from the port?

Steve: *That* is right.

Officer at port: Name?

Steve: Ha - Harry Morgan.

Officer at port: Nationality?

Steve: Eskimo.

Officer at port: What?

Steve: American.

Steve: You're both going to take a beating 'til one of you uses that phone. That means one of you will take a beating for nothing.

Steve: Anybody got a match?

Slim: Change your mind?

Steve: No money, those guys cleaned me out.

Slim: I forgot too - maybe I can do something, its been a long day and I'm thirsty.

[surveys club patrons]

Steve: Picked him out yet?

Slim: You don't mind do you?

Steve: You're thirsty, go ahead. If I get tired of waiting, I'll be back at that hotel.

Slim: All right

[starts moving through tables]

Steve: [to a Vichy cop who has just slapped Slim] Go ahead, slap me...

Steve: [to the Bursacs] Get down on the deck flat and stay there!

Paul de Bursac: [Apprehensively] But I don't know what good it'll be to try to resist. We will be killed!

Steve: [Angrily] Shut up, both of you! Get down on that deck flat! You save France - I want to save my boat!

Eddie: [Steering the boat] What's the matter? Why are you lookin' at me like that fer? What are you laughin' at?

Steve: Just a joke that neither one of us knows the answer to.

Eddie: What joke?

Steve: Whether you're gonna hold together or not.

Eddie: [His feelings hurt] Don't say that, Harry! I'm a good man! You know I am!

Steve: Yeah, I know you are, but you're goin' all over the ocean. Stay on your course.

Eddie: Why do you always... Hey, could I have just one? I don't want to get the shakes.

Steve: Make it short! I want you rum brave, not useless.

Eddie: [Anxious to get below decks to have his drink] Thanks, Harry!

Johnson: What sort of a day will it be?

Steve: I don't know. Just about like yesterday. Only better.

Steve: This bites.

All: Yeah.

Heather: We should just go home.

All: Yeah.

Steve: At least at home they have cable.

All: Cable.

Arnold: Baywatch.

Guys: Baywatch.

Walter: Baywatch.

Steve: This is Germany, Father. They drive on the right. National dish: sausage.

Steve: Okay, lets show them people, 'Operation Santa Claus is coming to town!'

Arthur: [after seeing that the Gift 47785BXK for Gwen Hines was Undelivered] A Child has been missed!

Steve: Not Necessarily!

Arthur: [the Digital L.E.D display above the mainframe computer in Mission Control that displays the number of presents lights up and shows 0000000001 in red] A Child has been missed!

Steve: Do you really want to wake up the whole north pole?

Arthur: Good Idea!

[Yelling]

Arthur: A CHILD HAS BEEN MISSED!

Steve: ARTHUR!

Santa: [Overhearing the commotion in mission control, opens the doors and walks onto the main concourse] Is everything alright?

Steve: There has been a glitch!

Arthur: [Showing Santa the missing present] A Glitch? We have missed a child!

Santa: Really? Oh dear! Oh Dear! That is awful, How did you let it happen, Steve?

Steve: How did I...? I thought it was your mission!

Santa: This is your department!

Arthur: What are we going to do?

Santa: We must... um... What must we do, Steve?

Steve: There is nothing to do! The mission was successful!

Arthur: But we cannot leave a child out of Christmas?

Steve: [Checking out details on the computer of the destination and the time of sunrise] Sunrise at destination is 7:39 AM! There is no way to get there on time, except, of course for the S-1!

Santa: The S-1? Right then, let's do it!

Steve: No! That is not a good idea! The S-1 has already traveled some Seven Million miles! We could damage it!

Santa: Oh Dear!

Steve: Not only that, but we could also risk the lives of the elves

Santa: Oh Deary me!

Steve: [Steve gets a phone call on his Ho-Ho, it wakes him up] Hello? What Elf?

Peter: Bryony, the crazy wrapping elf! Security tagged her to I.T and we think Arthur was there!

Steve: Arthur?

Peter: Who else leaves the door open?

Steve: The old sleigh barn? That was sealed up decades ago. After that terrible night, Grandsanta sneaked out and... Thank goodness he is too old these days to get into trouble

Arthur: There is a Child without a present!

Steve: Arthur! Christmas is not a time for emotion!

Steve: [Steve gets back onto the S-1 after having a fight with Spanish Pedro in Trelew, Mexico over the bicycle] OK! OK! I'm not very good with children! Does that make me a Bad Santa?

Steve: [Faces Santa and keys in 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew into the S-1's GPS to see it it would come up with a list] You're hardly Perfect! Let me Guess! You put in the address, saw a List of Trelews, and just clicked on the First one? Just like Arthur?

Santa: [Looks at Steve] Am I?

S-1 Computer: [the Phone on the S-1's Bridge rings] North Pole Incoming!

Elf: [Steve, Santa & Mrs Santa look at the S-1's Videophone and see Arthur cycling across Trelew, England getting to Gwen's on her Twinkle Bike] Sir! The Soldiers have just shot the sleigh! But look! It's Arthur! He's still going!

Santa: Arthur?

Santa: [trying to operate the S-1 himself, denting it and jolting it violently, Flashing red lights flash all over the S-1's bridge] OK! 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew

Mrs. Santa: [Reading the manual] Reading up! There is no harm in using the manual

Santa: [Agitated, pressing buttons, levers and knobs all over the bridge causing the S-1 to rock and sway violently] Margaret! I Order you to DISEMBARK! It's not safe!

Mrs. Santa: [Trying to calm Santa] I did a microlight flying course on the internet! It can't be that different!

Santa: [Steve appears at the doors to the bridge] Oh! Steve!

Steve: [Santa accidentally leans on a lever and the S-1 jolts more violently] You've DENTED IT! You've taken it out without asking!

Mrs. Santa: [stabilizes the S-1] Malcolm, you told me he knew! You know how Steve feels about his S-1

Santa: [presses more buttons and levers causing it to rock and sway even more violently] It's MY S-1! S for Santa, I'm flying to this child!

Steve: Of course, she is all that matters, not me! Your SON! Not the Two Billion things I didn't write tonight! NOOOoooo!

Santa: This is about the pool table isn't it! I told you that you should have written to me!

Steve: [shouting] I was eight years old! You're my dad!

Mrs. Santa: [shouting] For Goodness sake!

Mrs. Santa: [slams her cup down on the controls] Arthur & Grandsanta are out there probably not wearing nearly enough layers of clothing and you two are bickering over a big red toy!

Santa: I'm... I'm not bickering! If Steven should just Stand back!

[Activates the airbag]

S-1 Computer: [Airbag inflates] Airbag!

Santa: You drive, Steven? Thank you!

Steve: [puts on his S-1 gloves, fires up in the S-1] So! Since gift delivery to child 47785BXK is all that seems to matter, I'll do it all myself, and we'll pick up Arthur and Grandsanta from whatever ditch they've ended up in.

S-1 Computer: [Steve pulls the main lever on the S-1 to go at full throttle] Maximum Velocity!

Steve: Hold on Tight!

Arthur: [Passing through the operational area after the quarrel at the dinner table that broke out during the session of Christmas, The Board Game] Steve! Steve! Don't be upset! You Keep this so you can be Santa next time!

Arthur: [Steve takes the Silver model from the game and holds it] That will be you next, Steve! Next year I bet! You will be a great Santa!

Steve: [looks at Arthur then looks down the hall to find that Arthur kept all the doors open] How many times, Arthur? It's the North Pole! Shut the doors, For Goodness Sake!

Santa: [Santa, Mrs Santa & Steve have arrived in Trelew on the S-1] Trelew! Out with the Old, In with the New!

Mrs. Santa: [Holding Santa's Hand] Well Done, Dear!

Santa: [Back on the Bridge of the S-1 as Steve has gone to give Gwen what we believe to be another version of the bike] Poor Arthur! He tried so hard! He slumped again!

Mrs. Santa: Off course not, Dear! We are here! The little girl will get her present! I think he has done rather Splendidly!

Santa: [Exclaiming] My Margaret!

Steve: [Rings the doorbell, the door opens and a child that looks just like Gwen appears] Good morning Gwen! Ho Ho Ho etc. Apologies for the minor delay, I am sure that even a child can understand that in a operation as complex as Christmas there is always a slightly insignificant margin of error, which is you! As a gesture, I have upgraded you to the

Steve: [Reveals the big purple hi-tech bicycle]

Steve: Glamour Fast Ultra X3, which retails at $9.99 more than your requested gift! Bigger and Better! You wouldn't mind just signing a legal waver?

Pedro: [the child appears to be a boy] No bien el señor! Soy Pedro!

Steve: What? P-Pedro? A Boy? A Spanish Boy? This is an error! No Hablo Espanol!

Steve: [Snatches the bike off Pedro]

Steve: [Pedro and Steve start fighting, Pedro starts weeping and wailing in a tantrum, Mr & Mrs Santa back up on the S-1's bridge can see the commotion on the S-1's Steve-cam] Look! Will you...? No! No! No! Please don't cry! Please don't cry! No crying! No sobbing!

Arthur: [Opening a Christmas cracker, having Christmas dinner with the family round at the dinner table at the North Pole's Residential Quarters] What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?... Tinselitis!

[laughs hysterically]

Arthur: Isn't this the best bit of Christmas?

Mrs. Santa: It certainly is, Arthur! The whole family together!

Mrs. Santa: [to Santa] How about a toast, Malcolm?

Santa: Oh... mmm... , Well, here's to me, to an even better job next year!

[Everybody cheers]

Arthur: You're already the perfect dad!

Grandsanta: Hah! That turkey did more than him!

[Starts laughing and looses his false teeth, they land in gravy]

Santa: You wouldn't understand, Father! I've rather moved things on since your day, Hey Steve?

Grandsanta: [Gets his false teeth back and continues eating his meal] Forget Techno Tommy, he's texting on his calculator after every job

[laughs]

Steve: [Clearing out his inbox on his HO-HO] It's a Hand-held Operational and Homing Organizer, The HO-HO 3000!

Grandsanta: Whooooh! Whoopy-doo! Aren't you the Fancy Nancy! Doesn't matter what you come up with, Son, you maybe be the next in line, but you'll never get to be Santa unless you 'Knock Him Off'

Arthur: Hummm! I've got you all a present! After all the hard work, I wanted everyone to have some 'Christmas Fun'

Arthur: [Shows everyone the Game, 'Christmas, The Board Game] Ta-Daah!

Steve: I don't know, it sounds a little crazy.

Bob: It sounds fucking awesome!

Steve: [sympathetically] Hey, do you, uh, want to go out to lunch?

Christine: [whilst typing up her lead news report, her suicide note] ... Maybe tomorrow, Steve.

George: [George and Steve are both on live television arguing about the station's new weather computer] Boy, you really mucked things up with that rain storm last week didn't you?

Steve: Yes, well like any new technology it does have its kinks.

George: Just kind of makes you look like a liar, Steve.

Steve: Well I think you know that I'm not George. You know, I'd like to see you jump over here into the hot seat one night and see how it feels.

George: That sounds like fun, actually.

Steve: I'm sure it does.

Steve: [Steve, looking appalled by the idea of exploiting death in the media] Uh, I've got to agree with Christine on this one.

Steve: [referring to Bob Andersen possibly choosing one reporter to work in Baltimore] Who's he going to pick?

Michael: I have no idea in hell Steve, but it's sure going to be a kick in the ass for the rest of us!

George Cornell: Well, well, well, all the pretty boys together, eh?

Steve: Piss off, Cornell.

George Cornell: How's your boyfriend, lately? Still in tears over his auntie?

Steve: You wanna watch your mouth.

George Cornell: You what?

Steve: I said, you wanna your mouth.

George Cornell: [grabbing him] Poofs don't warn anyone! You listening? You tell your fat poof friend he doesn't scare me! Oh, he's bringing over his Yankee friends from America, getting ideas a bit above his station, inn'he? Well, tell him he can own all he likes, but he's still tied to his mother's apron strings. OK? Goodnight, girls.

[he leaves]

Steve's Friend: You gonna tell Ron?

Steve: I don't think I'm gonna have to. Half the fucking pub heard him.

Steve: [playing darts in the pub] Get the darts Paul.

Paul: [checks their hands] Let me see your hands, keep 'em where I can see 'em. I'm watching you, you bastards.

[goes to the dart board]

Sid: Hey, Paul.

[Sid, John and Steve start throwing darts at him]

Paul: Fuck off. Fuck off!

Duke Bowman: Steady on boys.

Paul: Bastards! It's not funny! You could stick me in the eye; put it in my brains, I couldn't play the drums then.

Steve: You can't play the fuckin drums anyway.

John: You can't play the fuckin drums anyway.

Sid: Why don't you shut up and fucking sing you twat.

Paul: You're well out of time, Sid.

Sid: Bollocks, you wanker.

Steve: Play the fucking song, will ya.

John: Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

Steve: Lights, camera, and anguish.

Steve: Love is not rational. You fall in love, you lose control.

Steve: [to Bobby] Unrequited love kills more people in the year than tuberculosis.

Steve: Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.

Steve: I lied. Um... All that stuff I said about being a crack head? It just helps me sell magazines. I'm actually an unemployed... software engineer.

Peter Gibbons: You're a software engineer?

Steve: Yup.

[sighs]

Samir: Things, uh... it must be very rough for you.

Steve: Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions, than I ever did at Intertrode!

Tommy Turner: [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off.

Tim: Wait. What's this bullshit?

Billy: She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD.

Steve: How's she going to tell that by looking at us?

Tommy Turner: She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor.

Tim: Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?

[murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys]

Billy: Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?

Pee Wee Morris: Okay, I'm ready!

[they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores]

Pee Wee Morris: I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.

Steve: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Natalie: That's three Hail Marys for you tomorrow.

Steve: Why you only eating the brown ones?

Mary: Because someone once said they have less artificial colouring because chocolate's already brown. And it kind of stayed with me.

Steve: You kind of stayed with me.

Steve: Do you ever think about that night at the park?

Mary: What?

Steve: I barely know you. I don't know your dad's first name, I don't know if you ever wore braces, or contacts, or glasses and I have no idea how you came to be a wedding planner, Mary. But I do know the curves of your face. And I know every fleck of gold in your eyes. I know that the night at the park was the best time I've ever had. Pl-please say something.

Mary: I'm a magnet for unavailable men, and I'm sick of it. It's simple, I love Fran, I respect her, and she loves you. So besides your tux measurements, that's all I need to know. Please go away.

Steve: Fran is great. But... what if what I think is great really is great, but not as great as something greater?

Steve: [while taking dance lessons] If you're thinking what I'm thinking...

Mary: What I'm thinking involves a machete and a pair of pliers!

Steve: Why did Steve go to the movies with you? Well, first of all, Steve likes the movies. Steve had the night off. Steve said, 'Hey, a movie sounds good,' plus he got an invitation.

Mary: Why is Steve referring to himself in the third person?

Steve: What are you talking about?

Steve: [taking off Mary's neck brace] Woah, you've got a big neck.

Mary: I have a big neck?

Steve: No, don't get me wrong it's a fine neck, it's just that i haven't had a patient over the age of 6 in the past 5 years.

Mary: Where's Fran?

Steve: She's in Tahiti, on our honeymoon.

Steve: We'll have it

[the money]

Steve: for you at four o'clock.

Berger: See, that's just what my other problem is, man.

Steve: What?

Berger: You're full of shit.

[Sheila laughs]

Steve: [to Maeve, Paul and Dan respectively in 3 different scenes] I am required by federal law to inform you that I am a convicted sex offender.

Steve: I've not given my number out to many eminent people in the past. I've not given my number out to Sam Mendes, so you're in good company.

Alfred: Well, if it's good enough for Sam Mendes it's good enough for me.

Alfred: He's a very committed environmentalist.

Steve: Spike Jonze is a tree hugger? Jesus, I never would've had him down as that.

Alfred: Well... I think he prefers the term "leaf people."

Doug Butabi: [Yelling at his dad] Are you seeing planes? Is your name Tattoo? Because I swear to God, you're living on Fantasy Island.

Steve: [Interrupts] Man, that was a sweet show!

Doug Butabi: [to Steve in agreement] Yeah it was, wasn't it?

Steve: Hey, nice bulbs, Emily. Oh, and I don't mean that metaphorically.

Security Guard: Nobody gets in unless they talk to the list.

Doug: We're on the list.

Security Guard: Name?

Steve: Steve and Doug Butabi.

Security Guard: You're brothers?

Doug: No...

Doug, Steve: YES.

Doug: Man. Works every time.

Security Guard: That's very funny.

Steve: Yeah, Doug's hilarious.

Cambi: There you are. We got scared.

Doug: Of who, we'll kick his ass.

Cambi: No, we got scared someone stole you away from us.

Doug: Oh...

[Gets it]

Doug: OH, like some other girls would steal us away.

Steve: Oh...

Steve: [getting it] OH!

Doug Butabi: [Speaking into the phone while Steve listens] Hi. You've reached Doug Butabi. I'm not here right now because I'm too busy outside living it up, unlike my pussy-whipped brother who's too busy throwing his life away for EMILY. Beep.

Steve: Hi! Doug! Sorry I missed you...

Steve: What's up?

Hottie Cop: Did you know you were doing 50?

Doug Butabi: [whispers to Steve] Hottie cop likes you.

Steve: Does not.

Doug Butabi: Think she pulls over just anybody? Make a move.

Steve: What's up?

Hottie Cop: Just giving you an $80 ticket.

Doug Butabi: [whispers to Steve] She is *so* into you

Hottie Cop: I want you to do me a favor.

Steve: What ever you say, "T.J. Hooker".

Hottie Cop: [laughs] Please obey all posted speed limits. Have a good night

Steve: It's already been good, now that you have served and protected me.

[Hottie cop leaves]

Doug Butabi: Way to go my friend! Not only did you got her badge number, but you got a date to meet her at the Municipal State Court. Up top!

[High Five]

Doug Butabi: Very nice!

[High Five]

Doug Butabi: [Steve slaps Doug hard across the face] What was the point of that?

Steve: Sorry...

Dooey: [Obviously angry] Those cans of fluffy whip were a real big hit at the party. Mr. Zadir had me out until two A.M. looking for more.

Steve: From dusk 'til dawn. You, sir, are a party animal!

Doug Butabi: Why go out for a burger when you got steak at home?

Steve: Yeah, we should go for lunch after this.

Steve: What's up? Wanna dance?

Vivica: Yes.

Steve: Alright, take it easy.

Doug Butabi: Steve, she said yes!

Steve: ...what?

Mary Horowitz: There's over a million Stevens with a "V" in the country. It's much more popular than the "PH" way. Twice as popular, in fact. I think it was the the Brits who prefer their PH's.

Steve: [in British accent] Yeah. Not as much as their fish and chips.

Steve: Oh, Jesus! She's got a machete! Where the hell did she get a machete? Oh, man! She's gonna pluck my eyes out, man! She is gonna carve my eyes out and she's gonna make me eat them!

Caroline: I think I'll go inside now.

Steve: I'll call you later, alright?

Caroline: No, don't do that. Just leave me alone.

Steve: I didn't mean to hurt you, Caroline.

Caroline: Yeah, well. You did.

Steve: Just because all of us don't drink a keg of beer day, doesn't mean some of us don't know a thing or two about a thing or two, huh? Pussy.

Dawn Weiner: [looking at beefcake photos of Steve] Who took them?

Steve: Valerie Mondello. She's the photo editor of the yearbook.

Dawn Weiner: Was she your girlfriend?

Steve: For a few days. It was worth it, though, don't you think?

[Looking at pictures of Steve]

Dawn Weiner: Oh, Steve, they're all so beautiful.

Steve: I'm thinking of using this one on my first album cover.

Dawn Weiner: You're gonna have a record?

[Mike is pretending to be a cop, Steve is pretending to be a prisoner]

Steve: Ro-ads. Ro-ods.

Mike: Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day!

[turns to state trooper]

Mike: Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!

[Steve comes back sprayed with a fire extinguisher]

Mike: Whoa, what happened to you? Did you fall into some mud or something?

Steve: Yeah, I did. And now I'm gonna be famous because I'm the only one in the world who knows where you can find *white* mud.

[a bat flies out at them]

Steve: What the heck is that?

Mike: Ah! It's Ozzy Osborne!

Mike: Man! This place is trashed!

Steve: Check this out! This whole fridge is held up here just by this plug!

[unplugs the fridge, letting it slide toward Mike, pinning him against the wall]

Steve: You OK?

Mike: I'm just dandy! I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!

Steve: We didn't have any pudding in there, buddy.

Steve: This is great I never win at checkers.

Mike: Well, it's kinda easy to win when you NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!

Mike: I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants.

Steve: We didn't have any pudding in there buddy.

Drake: I'm not far from dragging you out of the car and beating you to dust.

Steve: You should work up to that, kinda leaves you nowhere to go.

[the roof has blown off the house and it begins to hail all over Mike who is in the top bunk]

Steve: Hey Mike, 'I got dibs on top' Ha ha.

Mike: Shut up!

Steve: Ha ha ha ha ha.

Mike: Why don't you shut up?

Steve: Heh heh, 'Hello Washington'. Ha ha ha.

Mike: SHUT UP!

Steve: Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?

Steve: [on Drake Sabitch] This guy is like Leatherface, Chucky and Jan Brady all rolled into one.

Mike: What the hell was that?

Steve: A chunk in the road or something.

Mike: I just chunked in my pants.

Steve: [completely wasted on the nitrous oxide] ... But, this map is heavy... It's got all of those... robes on it. Robes? Rogues?

Mike: [also stoned; giggling] Roads!

Steve, Mike: Aahahahaha!

Mike: [suddenly stops laughing] I'm stoned... so are you!

[looks in the backseat]

Mike: Dammit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! OK, calm down... we just gotta keep under the speed limit... limit...

[starts giggling again]

Mike: Limit! Haha, that's another one of those freaky words!

[last lines]

Steve: Foursome?

Steve: Shit, I've left Gordon's foot on the coach... sorry mate.

Steve: Just saw a geezer in a balaklava with a suitcase... No... more of a travel bag.

Billy: Dating's complicated in England.

Steve: English birds ain't complicated. You buy 'em a Bacardi Breezer and they'll ride you like Sea Biscuit.

Steve: [In response to Bill saying he likes Maggie] No offence mate, but you've got more chance of getting shit from a rocking horse.

Steve: [Trousers round his ankles, urinating] Listen - now I know we're mates, but if you look at my cock one more time, I'm gonna kick off.

Billy: What are you talking about? I have not once looked at your winkie!

Steve: You FOUND a pie?

Harris: [after Steve finds a tooth in the pie] Bit young to be losing your teeth, Steve.

Steve: It's not my tooth.

Richard: What?

Jill: Could it be the cow's tooth?

Steve: A cow with gold fillings?

[the group is at breakfast the day after Steve ate the hallucinogenic mushrooms]

Maggie: Are you still tripping?

Steve: No, no. Why are you naked?

Steve: You've got about as much chance of getting shit out of a rocking horse!

Gordon: [Steve is eating magic mushrooms, the coach sharply stops] Anyone need first aid?

Steve: I might do in about 20 minutes...

Steve: Gentlemen to bed! For at daybreak I will breakfast.

Rob: Sire, sire! Tis a continental breakfast. Will only take twenty minutes max.

Rob: You could have a costume drama here, couldn't you?

Steve: I would love-I'd absolutely-I'd just love to do a costume drama in these hills, leaping, vaulting over dry stone walls with a scabbard, with that dead look in my eyes, 'cause I've seen so many horrors that I'm sort of immune to them, and I'd say something like, "Gentlemen, to bed! Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at first light. Tomorrow we battle, and we may lose our lives. But remember: death is but a moment. Cowardice is a lifetime affliction."

Rob: Nice.

Steve: To bed, for we rise at daybreak!

Rob: Very good. Very impressive.

Steve: But they always, they always leave at daybreak. They never leave at, you know, nine-thirty. "Gentlemen to bed, for we leave at nine-thirty!"

Rob: Ish.

Steve: Ish. "Gentlemen to bed, for we rise at... What time is the battle? About, oh, twelve o'clock? Twelve o'clock. How is it on horseback, about three hours? So we leave about eight, eight-thirty?"

Rob: Eight-thirty for nine.

Steve: "Gentlemen, to bed! For we leave at eight-thirty for nine. And we rise at just after daybreak. Seven-thirty, so just after daybreak. Gentlemen to bed, for we leave at nine-thirty on the dot. On the dot."

Rob: Do you want to have a run, sire, in the morning? Just to loosen up, sire.

Steve: Yes.

Rob: Another thing they never say is, "Right! Well! We'd better make a move. I want to get back in daylight. We'd better make a move."

Steve: To bed! Tomorrow we ride! We leave at ten-ish.

Rob: You know, when someone dies, and they go to the funeral, and they say, you know, "We should have done this when he was *alive*! He would have *loved* this!"

Steve: Hmmm, what, cremated him?

Steve, Rob: Come, come, Mr. Bond, you derive as much pleasure from killing as I do.

Steve: Death is but a moment... Cowardice is a lifetime of affliction.

Steve: She was only 15 years old. She was only... You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.

Steve: Don't worry buddy, you're at the Hard Rock. I mean this place rocks... hard.

Steve: It's like I've found this huge spiritual side to myself that I didn't even know existed

Michael: Last week, I had sex with twins.

Steve: OK, you win.

Kyle: Oh If I get married it's going to be a cosmetics counter girl.

Michael: Why a cosmetics counter girl?

Kyle: It's the perfect woman, man. You know they're always going to smell good and wear makeup, plus, they're not too ambitious so they'll make a good wife AND they're not going to be one of those damn feminist bitches that keep their own last name when you marry them.

Steve: Like my mom?

Kyle: Yeah, exactly.

Steve: [In reference to Alanis Morissette] You know I can see the appeal in a woman like this. Volatile women are always sexy when you first meet them but two years down the line you're sorta saying things like, 'can you just put the lids back on eh... on these jars please.'

Steve: First class?

Rob: No, business or upper class virgin

Steve: You do know that I'm not a homosexual

Rob: We are not having a romantic dinner, we are having a stimulating lunch

Steve: I promise you I haven't sabotage the sound system because of my aversion to your karaoke inclinations

[drunken and dressed as a zombie]

Steve: Brian, really, who do I look like?

Brian: [agitated] For the third time... Boris Karloff as "The Mummy".

Ernie: Are you telling us that you're gonna find a replacement for the head Charlie lost?

Tommy Spinelli: [looking through a year book] Yeah. We got some time to kill before we go to the airport.

Steve: But these are human beings. Innocent people. You can't just kill innocent people because they look like somebody else.

Tommy Spinelli: Let me tell you something, college boy, nobody is innocent. Now who is he?

Steve: He's my anatomy professor. He almost flunked me.

Tommy Spinelli: Good. Here's your chance to get even with the prick. Get me his address.

Steve: Alrighty.

Tommy Spinelli: Alright, grab all the heads. Just leave the top one.

Ernie: Why?

Tommy Spinelli: Because the top one doesn't look like anybody and Big Sep will never buy it. Now come on.

Steve: Wait a minute. I sawed off this head and you're not even gonna use it?

Ernie: Steve, chill.

Steve: No, you chill. I spent alot of time on this head. Don't you think you could have at least told me this before I cut it off?

[Tommy slaps him in back of the head]

Ernie: Ooh. I saw that coming.

Tommy Spinelli: Don't ever fuck with a guy looking for heads.

Steve: Heads up! Stop a-head. Anybody need to use the head?

Ernie: Steve...

Steve: Oh, don't let it go to your head. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're _way_ ahead of me!

Ernie: Steve! Enough!

Steve: Hey, don't bite my head off, alright!

Ernie: That's it. I'm sleeping outside, guys.

Annette: Me, too.

Charlie: Hey, Steve; GET A GRIP. Go to sleep.

Steve: Or what? You'll have my head?

Steve: This is like grave robbing - grave robbing. Or worse.

Ernie: I don't see any graves. Do you see any graves?

Tommy Spinelli: [Cocks gun] There's going to be two fresh ones right now if you don't start looking for heads. Come on.

Steve: No, please don't. I fly! I fly!

Tommy Spinelli: What are you, a fairy?

Ernie: Okay, let's review: you've got a Hugo, a Little Joey, a Frank, a bad Stu...

Tommy Spinelli: No, bad Frank.

Ernie: That's what I said.

Tommy Spinelli: No you didn't. You said bad Stu. Stu was just so-so.

Ernie: No, sir, I said a so-so Stu.

Tommy Spinelli: You did not. You said bad Stu!

Ernie: Yes I did and everybody heard! I said a so-so Stu!

Tommy Spinelli: You said bad Stu!

Ernie: I know the names and you don't...

[Arguing continues]

Steve: Would you two stop it, goddammit! These are not baseball cards we're talking about here. These are heads! Human beings' heads!

Paul Ashworth: Leave it up to Arsenal to score one goal when they need two.

Steve: You want them to score the second goal before they score the first?

Steve: Stanley Matthews was playing First Division football when he was fifty.

Paul Ashworth: I'll bet you any money you like you're not playing First Division football when you're fifty.

Steve: [looks at his cigarette] Well, no. It's the smoking.

Paul Ashworth: It's NOT the smoking, Steve. It's the crapness.

[Paul's doorbell is buzzing during the last minute of Liverpool v. Arsenal]

Paul Ashworth: [out a window, not really seeing who it is] Will you please, please, please, please, please just fucking FUCK OFF? You have arrived during the worst sixty seconds of my life, and I really don't want to see you.

[the window slams shut. The visitor is revealed to be Sarah]

Paul Ashworth: [to Steve] Why ask? And what sort of berk would do that? You'd just about forgive an alien visitor from the planet Tharg, but even then, you'd have...

[Paul realizes what he's done and runs to the door]

Steve: Where're you going? You're mad. You might miss something.

Steve: Listen, if I play like me, and people like it, that's one thing. You play like me, it's a tribute band.

Tom: What happened to all your cash?

Steve: What?

Tom: Don't you get royalties and stuff?

Steve: I lost it all.

Tom: You must have had SUCH a good time.

Steve: I sure hope so. I don't remember any of the good parts. I don't remember a damn thing.

Steve: You got secrets; so, the way I see it, we have us a... blackmail Mexican standoff. You try to ruin my life, I WILL ruin yours. I like that. It's a balance of power. Takes us back to the way we were before. We can just go on ignoring each other.

Tom: Yeah, but it's not balanced. I'll tell everyone that you're Max Stone.

Steve: Yeah, and I will tell your mom about the Devil's music.

Tom: Well... I'll tell everyone you tried to touch me.

Steve: Get out!

Tom: [from outside] Someone, help! It's a peedo!

Steve: "Pedo," retard.

Tom: Do you think I can do it?

Steve: Got a few things workin' against you.

Tom: Like?

Steve: Well, you have a crippling shyness that renders you incapable of playing in front of anyone except me.

Tom: Right, apart from that.

Gregory: Have you ever been in love? I'm in love.

Steve: Since when?

Gregory: This morning. I feel restless and dizzy. I bet I won't get any sleep tonight.

Steve: Sounds like indigestion.

Steve: [to Santa, who claims to be the Real Santa Claus] Are you on medication? Or worse: are you NOT on medication?

Steve: Who says we want what we think we want? We want what we think we are supposed to want? Like what the books tell us to want. And the movies. That's what I wanted. Happy. Happy, happy, happy. Shit like that, ok? We didn't get that. That's the end of that. Ok? It's not... the end of us. It's the end of a dream, that's all. You wake up in the morning, the dream's over, so what? We're still here...

Monica: We are supposed to be talking

Steve: screaming: We are talking!

Monica: No, we are not talking.

Steve: Ok, we'll talk, talk!... talk! talk!

Monica: screams: aaaah!

Monica: You really make me sick.

Steve: Oh, thank you very much!

Monica: If I eat, I wanna throw up. If I don't, I get a headache. If I sleep, I have nightmares. If I don't sleep, I get depressed. I can't move. I am stuck on a chair, just going over every word, and it just makes me even sicker.

Steve: This is your idea of a conversation?

Steve: I'm going crazy...

Monica: See, that's different! I thought it was your everday garden-variety existential crisis. But crazy is different.

Marcia - the Southern Actress: And you all can tell that Mr. Gallagher, that cotton will grow black before I come to see him again, sir! Where we all come from, the gentlemen know how to speak to ladies. And you can tell him from me...

Steve: Break it up, you all go back to the Mason-Dixon line, sugar.

Steve: So, you took Warner, eh?

Patch Gallagher: Yeah, I know she's not so hot, but with all the real talent going Hollywood, you've got to make the best of what you can get.

Steve: We'll be down to using midgets pretty soon.

Patch Gallagher: Well, work on her. Use a whip if you have to, she's got to be loosened up by the time we open.

Steve: I'll offer her candy, maybe she like's candy.

Patch Gallagher: Offer her anything, but, more money.

Steve: Wait a minute, the boss is all steamed up and this ain't no Turkish bath.

Steve: Come on, girls. Mr. Gallagher's waitin'.

Chorus Girl: Why don't you knock?

Steve: What for? You ain't got nothin' to hide. Come on girls. Everybody.

Patch Gallagher: Listen, Steve, Bradley can't do this to me. I'm gonna carry this show myself. I'm gonna produce it! I've got some dough! And what I haven't got, I'll get! I'll hock my car, my clothes, my house, everything!

Steve: That's great. And-and-and-and I got some, I got some money I been hoarding against the next Depression. And you can have every dime of it!

Patch Gallagher: All right! Drag it out!

Steve: I don't know what it is, Kevin. Somethin' about you brings out my frisky side.

Danny: Why do you keep doin' this stuff behind my back, 'n not includin' me?

Steve: Well... because you're repressed.

Jerry, Steve: Hi, Uncle Jon.

Arlene Setters: Jon! My dear little brother, we missed you. So I just thought me and the boys would come up and stay for a while with you and your lovely family.

Jerry: Let's cut the bullshit. We need a place to live, she ran out of alimony.

Steve: And the asshole with the boat ran out on her.

[Steve and Jerry, Arlene's sons, come running in]

Arlene: Look who's here, Uncle Jon.

Steve: The asshole from Chicago?

Arlene: That's him.

Steve: You wouldn't call a man a white man that had Negro blood in him, would you?

The Sheriff: No, I wouldn't; not in Mississippi. One drop of Negro blood makes you a Negro in these parts!

Angie: Do you call everybody Charlie?

Steve: Only the people I like.

Don: [very fast] You know I wouldn't be surprised / That gasket hood looks pulverized / The shock recoil is now reversed / At first you'd boil and then you'd burst / Compression seep will soon distend / The leak that leaks in your big end / The lousy coke has got a hitch around the choke adjustment switch / Your piston spout is dynamite / In cutting out the parking light / And, from its shake, your outside brake is needing a new drum!

Don, Cyril, Steve, Edwin: [slower] In fact make no mistake, you've really had it chum!

Don, Cyril, Steve, Edwin: [singing] For as guys we're really qualified / There's no need to look terrified / For when you have tried, you will say "wide-eyed", we are just what the doctor specified / We are pleading please let us take you for a ride with us! / Ride with us!

[short music break in which the car backfires leaving everyone with black faces]

Don, Cyril, Steve, Edwin: Please let us take you for a ride!

Craig: Do you want a man or do you want a woman?

Steve: Oh... a man. Definitely. I don't think I could eat a woman.

Craig: Gay. Way to go, Steve! You're the first gay-ass zombie.

Susan: Do you ever get depressed?

Steve: No, depressions are for the middle classes, the rest of us have got an early start in the morning.

Steve: I'm into merchandising myself.

Susan: Really.

Steve: Aye, boxer shorts, colored socks, things like that... that's where I'm heading.

Steve: This laboring, it's only temporary... Laboring, crap, boxer shorts... good.

Jones: You fucked her, didn't you?

Steve: What?

Jones: Lisa.

Steve: Oh, yeah. You?

Les: [quoting the department mantra] I'm important, and I keep the city running.

Steve: Good. Now, repeat.

Les: I'm important, I'm important, I'm important.

Betty Johnson: [on the phone] Susan?

Susan Holland: Yes?

Betty Johnson: Paul's going to be all right.

Susan Holland: Shit!

Sam Myers: What is it?

Susan Holland: Paul's going to be all right.

Sam Myers: Shit!

Bill: Fuck!

Steve: Damn it!

Steve: She's married now - got a husband.

Susan Ireland: Yeah? Whose husband has she got?

Steve: Where did you leave your parachute?

Dr. David Klugle: I beg your pardon?

Steve: Never mind. You'll pry no information from me, General Electric Whiskers.

Steve: The silk ones are happy; they are free. The felt ones are dead.

Steve: Hate to tell you this, buddy, but you have to wear clothes to work. There's a law or something.

Darrel Curtis: [the Greasers are on their way to the rumble to fight the Socs] Listen, Soda. You and Ponyboy, if the fuzz show, you beat it out of there. Hey, we'll get jailed, but you two will get the boys home, you know what I'm sayin'?

Steve: Ain't nobody gonna call the fuzz in this neighborhood! Cause they know better!

[laughs]

Darrel Curtis: [trying to get their attention again] All the- Hey, hey! All the- Hey! All the same, you two beat it out of there, ya hear me?

Steve: Where are Soda, and Super-dope, anyhow?

Darrel Curtis: Super-what?

Steve: All brawn, no brains.

Dallas: [after Ponyboy gets jumped] How's the kid?

Ponyboy: I'm fine. What are you doin' outta the cooler, Dal?

Steve: Yeah? And what are you doin' walkin' by your lonesome on the street?

Ponyboy: It's none of your business, smarty.

Steve: What do you mean, none of my business? It is my business. Look at my nose!

Ponyboy: It's huge.

Steve: Smartass. He is a smartass kid.

Ponyboy: [reading the paper] They're thinking about putting me and Soda in a boys' home. No way! They ain't putting me in no boys' home.

Steve: Don't worry, Ponyboy, they don't do that to heroes. Hey, where is Soda and Super-dope, anyhow?

Sodapop Curtis: Hey, after we beat those Socs tonight, good me and Steve are gonna throw a huge party, and everyone's gonna get ripped!

Steve: OWWWW! WHOOO!

Darrel Curtis: Where you gonna get the dough, li'l man?

Sodapop Curtis: Uhhh... I'll think of something.

[Sits on couch]

Sodapop Curtis: Hey Two-bit, Mickey's on TV!

[Two-bit sits in front of the TV to watch]

Steve: Beer for breakfast there, Two-Bit?

Steve: What do you think, man? You think it makes me look tough?

Sodapop Curtis: I think it makes you look different.

Steve: What'd you mean, "different"?

Sodapop Curtis: Well, you got a hole in your mouth.

Steve: The only blood that matters to me is Jewish blood.

Steve: Don't fuck with the Jews.

Steve: Looks bloody by now.

Steve: You know how to shoot, to assassinate people, right? I mean, you make dolls in a toyshop, and you... you shop for sofas? And you- I don't know what you do.

Carl: Me? I worry.

Steve: [to Avner] So why did they make you team leader?

Hans: Because he really knows how to cook a brisket.

Avner: [starts laughing]

Steve: Look at the waistline bulge on that guy. Look at that. Think he might be armed, eh?

Hanks: [walking through police garage] Stevie! Stevie, ma boy! Where are ya?

Steve: Hey!

Hanks: Where the hell's that car at?

[referring to high-performance police car]

Steve: Over here... but she ain't got any siren or lights yet.

Hanks: Hey look, all I care about, is what you've got under that hood.

Steve: Take a look

[starts police car, car rumbles to life]

Steve: .

Hanks: [smiles broadly] So, what's my top end on this?

Steve: Unlimited.

Steve: Streets are changin', man. Fuckin' metro cops are everywhere. Someone's puttin' pressure on them motherfuckers to jack the shit out of us. I know who and the shit's gettin' serious. I need a change of scenery. Thinkin' about headin' back to la-la land.

Steve: Evening, losers.

Steve: Gettin' fucked in the ass tonight, Eric?

Steve: Don't you guys have some homework to do?

Steve: You've kept my secrets. I'll keep yours.

[Sitting at a nightclub table, Steve Morgan notices gangster Willie Ryan's elderly, sour-faced bodyguard]

Steve: I didn't meet you, did I?

Willie Ryan: That's my "adopted son."

Steve: Rather big for his age, isn't he?

Willie Ryan: [ominously] Yeah, he follows me around, keeps the flies off me. He's got a good aim with a..."flyswatter."

Al: Why is it everybody is out to see that I lose money? On TV, everybody loves the bartender - they tell him their troubles and everything.

Steve: Would you care to hear my troubles, Al?

Al: I got troubles of my own.

Steve: The world's first Jag mobile recording studio is done!

Collins, Mark, Roger, Angel, Ali, Paul, Steve, Pam: [sung] Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare?

Steve: [after being informed by Ryan that his been let go] Did I do something wrong? Is there something I can do differently?

Ryan Bingham: This is not an assessment of your productivity. Try not to take this personally. I want you to review this packet. Take it seriously. I think you'll find a lot of good answers in here. This is not an assessment of your productivity

Steve: [Sarcastically] I'm sure this will be very helpful, a packet thank you

Ryan Bingham: I need your key card I want you to take the day get together your personal things then tomorrow get yourself some exercise go out for a jog give your some routines and pretty soon you'll find your likes

Steve: How do I get in touch with you?

Ryan Bingham: Don't worry we'll be in touch with you soon, this is just the beginning

Ryan Bingham: [Narrating] I'll never see Steve again.

Steve: I don't know why someone hasn't taken a rifle and blown your head off.

The Motorcycle Boy: Even the most primitive of societies have an innate respect for the insane.

Alley Mugger #1: You got any bread?

Rusty James: What?

[guesturing at the 2nd mugger]

Rusty James: He's not gonna bash us even if we got bread?

Alley Mugger #2: Sure, that's it.

Steve: Progressive country. Intergrated mugging.

Lora: You're aiming high.

Steve: Why not? It doesn't cost anymore. Don't you believe in chasing rainbows?

Steve: Your bones...

Lora Meredith: What about my bones?

Steve: They're perfect. My camera could easily have a love affair with you.

Brandon Lang: [Looking at his paycheck] I went nine and two in pro football on Sunday to get my third straight Monday night parlay, it's worth twelve bucks an hour.

Steve: I don't even make twelve an hour

Brandon Lang: You're not picking seventy five percent

Steve: If you're that good why don't you bet your games and get rich and send me a postcard from the Riviera.

Steve: Mr. Hunsecker, you've got more twists than a barrel of pretzels!

Steve: The next time you want information, don't scratch for it like a dog, ask for it like a man!

Steve: That's fish four days old. I won't buy it!

Steve: [to Hunsecker, of his flunky] Tell me sir, when he dies, do you think he'll go to the dog and cat heaven?

Steve: [about Pete] There's still not enough room on this boat for the two of us!

Julie: Where to, Sir Lancelot?

Steve: Gonna get a cup of coffee.

Julie: Gonna be a good boy?

Steve: Sure, if that's what you want.

[talking about Kelley's new car]

Steve: I could have sex with a car like that.

Charlie: Just don't burn your wood on the tale's pipe.

Steve: No, I mean I could have sex with a woman if I have a car like that.

Kelley: Steve you couldn't have sex with a woman if you gave her a car like that.

Janet: I was on the same plane as you. I couldn't help but notice how attractive you are. You know you have a very beautiful mouth?

Steve: Yeah, so do you, but it's big. You go away, lady, or I'll call a cop.

Janet: I am a cop.

Steve: Well, then kiss me, I'm crazy about cops.

Steve: He's a hell of a charmer. Just make sure his hair doesn't fall in your drink.

Tyler: [sarcastically] Hey, Elliot, where's your goblin?

Michael: Shut up.

Steve: Did he come back?

Pretty Young Girl: Hi, Elliot.

Greg: Well, did he?

Elliott: Yeah, he came back, but he's not a goblin. He's a spaceman.

Steve: Ooh, as in extra-terrestrial!

Tyler: Where is he from, Uranus? Get it? Your anus?

Greg: He doesn't get it, Ty.

Tyler: Get it, your anus?

Greg: He doesn't get it.

Elliott: You're so immature!

Greg: And you're such a cintus suprimus!

Elliott: Zero charisma!

Greg: Cintus suprimus!

Elliott: Zero charisma!

Greg: Cintus suprimus!

Elliott: Shut up, Greg!

Greg: Cintus suprimus!

Elliott: [yells as he rides off on his bike] Zero charisma!

Greg: You wimp!

[watching Elliot's house under quarantine after E.T.'s death]

Steve: Something's happening.

Greg: [sarcastically] Ooh, they're gonna die.

Tyler: Shut up, Greg.

Steve: Something is definitely happening.

[first lines]

Steve: [reading dice] Five.

Michael: Oh, great.

Steve: So you got an arrow right in your chest.

Tangina: Cross over children. All are welcome. All welcome. Go into the Light.

Steve: No! No, you said no!

Tangina: There is peace and serenity in the Light.

Steve: You said don't go into the light!

Steve: [shouting in Teague's face] You son of a bitch! You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn't you? You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! You only moved the headstones! Why! Why!

Steve: You know Teague, he won't take "Go to Hell" for an answer.

Diane: What are you going to do?

Steve: I'm gonna give him directions.

Dr. Lesh: Would your family welcome a serious investigation of these disturbances by someone who can make firsthand observations?

Steve: Look, Dr. Lesh. We don't care about the disturbances, the pounding and the flashing, the screaming, the music. We just want you to find our little girl.

Diane: Ahhh... this is probably going to be seem a little strange. We hear better on this channel. Don't ask me why. Well... ah... I guess I will call her. Carol Anne. Ah... it's mommy, sweetheart. Ah, we want to talk to you. Please answer me baby. Please answer me. Please talk to me, bunny.

Marty: Look at the dog.

Diane: Are you with us now? Can you... can you say hello to daddy?

Carol Anne: Hello, daddy.

Steve: Hello, sweet pea.

Diane: It's mommy, sweetheart.

Carol Anne: Hello, mommy.

Diane: Hello, baby. Can you see me? Can you see mommy?

Carol Anne: Mommy? Where are you? Where are you?

Diane: We're home, baby. We're home. Can you find me? Can you find a way to us, baby?

Carol Anne: Mommy, where are you? I can't find you. I can't. I'm afraid of the Light, mommy. I'm afraid of the Light.

Tangina: [offscreen upstairs] Why is this door locked, Mr. Freeling?

[Steve Freeling closes his eyes, clasps his hands, and appears to be concentrating for several seconds]

Diane: [quietly] Answer her, Steven!

Steve: [sotto voce] I *am*.

Tangina: [steps out to the top of the stairs] I am addressin' the living!

Steve: I'm sorry. Sorry. That's the room my son and daughter used to occupy.

Dr. Lesh: We believe it's the heart of the house.

Tangina: This house has many hearts.

[Tangina steps away from the stairtop. Diane approaches Steven]

Diane: [quietly] What is the matter?

Steve: [with laughter] "What's the matter"?

Steve: [he composes himself, whispers] I was trying to answer her with my mind and she couldn't hear me.

Steve: [to Dr. Lesh, whispering even softer] Now, I thought you said this Tangina Barrons was an *extraordinary*...

Tangina: I *am*!

Steve: ...clairvoy...

Tangina: [steps out again] I just don't like trick answers.

Steve: Tomorrow I'm going to call someone.

Diane: Like who? I looked in the Yellow Pages. "Furniture Movers" we've got; "Strange Phenomenon", there's no listing.

[Steve opens the window next to the neighbor's house]

Steve: We've got a good game going on here.

Ben Tuthill: My kids wanna watch Mr. Rogers.

Steve: I don't care what you're watching Ben, just show a little mercy with that thing!

Ben Tuthill: Move your set.

[Ben flicks remote]

Steve: Move yours Ben.

[Steve flicks his remote]

Steve: [Steve and Ben flick each other off]

Diane: Look, I'm the one who has had to live with this freaky thing all day. It's like another side of nature, that you and I aren't qualified to understand. When you overreact, it makes what happened much too important.

Steve: No one is going into the kitchen until I know what's happening.

Dana: I'll go check the kitchen!

Steve: NO! No, I'll do it! I'll check the kitchen, you check your room!

Steve: Carol Anne!

Dana: Carol Snne!

Diane: Carol Anne! Sweetheart!

Steve: DIANE!

Diane: Did you find her?

Steve: No, I looked everywhere! This is crazy!

Diane: OH MY! My God! She is in the swimming pool, the swimming pool, the swimming pool!

Dr. Lesh: Well, I'm off. Now these tapes, I am going to have to present them you know.

Steve: But please, not on "60 Minutes".

Diane: Or "That's Incredible."

Steve: I was trying to answer her with my mind and she couldn't hear me. Now I thought you said this Tangina Barens was an extraordinary...

Tangina: [offscreen] I *am*.

Steve: ...clairvoy...

Tangina: [steps out again at the top of the stairs] I just don't like trick answers.

Steve: Not much room for a pool is there?

Teague: We own all the land. We have already made arrangements for relocating the cemetery.

Steve: Oh, you're kidding. Oh, come on. I mean, that's sacrilegious, isn't it?

Teague: Oh, don't worry about it. After all, it's not ancient tribal burial ground. It's just... people. Besides, we have done it before.

Diane: Mmmmm... smell that mimosa.

Steve: Well you better cut a bouquet and take it with you, because we're not staying.

[last lines]

Robbie: Faster! Faster!

Steve: Don't look back!

Steve: Whoever might complain?

Teague: Nobody's complained until now.

Steve: You know we have a saying around here; "The grass grows greener on every side."

Steve: Listen to me, Jeff! No, I'm not kidding! I know right, how can anybody sleep through a 6.5!

Steve: Get in the car, Dana.

Steve: [skeleton hits the windshield] Oh, shit!

Steve: No. I'll do it. Let me go.

Diane: You can't go. You're the only one strong enough to hold the rope.

Steve: I'm outta here! See ya early.

Robbie: I'm outta here!

Diane: You I can handle.

Robbie: I got school!

Diane: Breakfast first.

Robbie: All right, I'll just flunk.

Steve: I hate Pizza Hut! Where's supper? I don't understand, Diane. What the hell's going on around here?

Dr. Lesh: 1:08:14 Well, I'm off. I'm taking these back to the lab along with the tapes.I'm going to have to display these, you know.

Steve: Please, not on 60 Minutes.

Diane: Or That's Incredible.

Steve: I promise, the quarry's fucking stunning.

Jenny: The quarry is stunning. No 'fucking'.

Steve: [getting closer to her] Please, miss.

Steve: Taylor! Taylor, where the hell were you? We're not safe here anymore. My son almost died and you just sit here.

Taylor: I was protecting Carol Anne. It's her he's after, not Robbie, not you or Diane.

Robbie Freeling: Why can't we get a TV, like everybody else.

Steve: NO! No we can't get a TV.

Robbie Freeling: GREAT! I'll just have to grow up retarded!

Steve: COME ON ROB! Kids don't grow up RETARDO! because of lack of television.

Steve: Why the hell won't you LEAVE US ALONE!

Kane: You can't keep her, I AM NOT DEAD!

Steve: Be the ball.

Rachel Wagner: Listen, the last ferry leaves at eleven thirty. Just tell me you have a razor plan?

Steve: I am making this shit up as I go.

Rachel: Gavin thinks some sinister force has taken over the Cradle Bay meatheads.

Steve: A sinister force?

Rachel: You know, evil. Nowhere to turn, no one to trust, altogether ooky.

Steve: [Leslie keeps walking and Steve stops her, asking her where the Mausoleum is] Okay, Leslie, come on.

Leslie: What do you mean, 'come on'?

Steve: Well, you're gonna show me where it is.

Leslie: No! No way! I'm not going in that place! If you wanna go, YOU go, Hugo!

Steve: Thanks a lot. Those guys are in a lot of trouble now.

[Steve revs off to the Mausoleum and Leslie continues to walk home]

Steve: Jim tried to give an old guy a blowjob.

Liz: Do you see that?

Steve: See What?

Liz: There's someone... there's someone watching us through that window.

Bill: You sure, Liz? You're pretty high.

Liz: Nevermind...

Steve: Get fucked, Cathy, and stay fucked for a while.

Cathy: I wouldn't call 3 minutes including foreplay "a while."

Steve: Now that I'm grown up, I *still* want everything!

Steve: [while staring blankly at the ceiling, barely even paying attention ] I was terribly impressed with what I was seeing.

Chris Marker: What did you use for money?

Steve: Chocolate milk, and batteries.

Jeff: Don't tell me you're gonna take a coffee break now?

Steve: Nope. A beer break, and not even a beer break.

[Paul is singing 'Yesterday' after learning the tapes are missing]

Steve: Very bloody appropriate!

Steve: [triumphantly] Gentlemen. I'm sure you'd like to be the first to know. We got the tapes!

Alan: There's gonna be all kinds of complications we haven't even thought about yet.

Steve: Yeah? What?

Alan: Well, I hadn't thought about them yet.

Joe, Ray, Chi, Alby, Steve, Sean, Eli, Greg: Baldeya!

Steve: What do you want? You got them all haven't you?

Hotel Porter: I never saw them other two leave.

Steve: Ran into the street they did. You frightened them off. Wouldn't have girls in my room. But, eh, I do have a soft spot for old soldiers...

Hotel Porter: Filth!

Steve: You came.

Vic Barnaby: I came.

Steve: Have I shown you what's in my closet?

Vic Barnaby: No, what's in your closet?

Steve: Fun.

Sophia James: What the hell is your problem? Why would you do this?

Steve: Shut up, Sophia! You said you wanted an interesting story, well here it is!

[Christian and Savannah hold Sophia back]

Sophia James: If I'd known this is what was going to happen I would have never came here in the first place!

Steve: Be careful what you ask for next time!

Steve: Oh, the peace meeting.

Edward Seward: Yes, if you want to have trouble, Steve, talk about peace. Always ends up in a fight.

Steve: I had an uncle who was a hero in the last war. Broke up a gas attack singlehanded.

Don Bolton: How, with bicarbonate of soda?

Cal: You know, I've seen that old coot before somewhere, but I can't place him.

Lon: Who cares about the old coot? It was that girl that took my eye!

Steve: Yeah, well, it was that gun in the stranger's hand that took my eye. That's the only thing I was lookin' at.

[listening to his wife's complaints]

Steve: There's nothing here that a little Prozac wouldn't fix.