Stanley Spadowski Quotes in UHF (1989)

Stanley Spadowski: [grinning] This is my new mop. George, my friend, he gave me this mop. This is a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop. I miss my first mop, but this is still a good mop. Sometimes you just hafta take what life gives ya, 'cause life is like a mop and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff... you, you, you gotta clean it out. You, you, you gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again and, and sometimes, sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad you know a mop, a mop, it's not good enough, it's not good enough. You, you gotta get down there, like, with a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta, you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. You gotta really try to get it off. But if that doesn't work, that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta, you gotta stand right up. You, you gotta run to a window and say, "Hey! These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

Stanley Spadowski: Oh, Joel Miller, you've just found the marble in the oatmeal. You're a lucky, lucky, lucky little boy. 'Cause you know why? You get to drink from... the FIRE HOOOOOSE!

Stanley Spadowski: Hi, George. Well, uh, I'm finished with the TV show. Uh, what do you want me to do now?

George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! Oh, boy, it was fun!

George Newman: Great! How would you like to do it every day?

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat... Oh, wait a minute - do I still get to be the janitor?

George Newman: [incredulously] Sure.

Stanley Spadowski: It's a DEAL!

[watching a cartoon when Bob tells George whether to finish the show since Teri won't talk to him]

Stanley Spadowski: Watch out, Mr. Coyote!

[sound effect on the TV]

Stanley Spadowski: Aww, it's terrible.

George Newman: Hey, Stanley.

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah, George?

George Newman: How'd you like your own TV show

Stanley Spadowski: [beat] ... okay.

George Newman: You're on.

Stanley Spadowski: I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange.

[laughs]

Stanley Spadowski: Okay, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue.

Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?

Bob Steckler: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?

Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George?

Stanley Spadowski: George? What's wrong, George?

George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know.

Stanley Spadowski: [confused] Then why'd I ask? Is there anything I can do to help?

George Newman: Now unless you got seventy-five thousand dollars on you.

Stanley Spadowski: [while searching carefully through crumpled pieces of currency] No, sorry.

Stanley Spadowski: [addressing crowd] Friends, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to look the potato of injustice right in the eye. There's a powerful evil force in the universe that lives in Channel 8 and I've seen it. And I don't want to go pop its ugly greasy head around here. Do you?

[Stanley is eating a watermelon]

Stanley Spadowski: This is pretty good watermelon.

[He stops and thinks about this]

Stanley Spadowski: Tastes like poop. I'm gonna eat some Corn Flakes.

[grabs a box of Corn Flakes]

Stanley Spadowski: These are pretty good... WHOA! Free toy inside! Free toy inside! Let's find it.

[rummages his hand in the box]

Stanley Spadowski: Don't let your mom know that you do this.

[Bob opens a piece of mail and looks at the mail in shock]

George Newman: What do you got there, Bob?

Bob Steckler: It's the ratings!

George Newman: Don't tell me we actually made the list.

Bob Steckler: We're number one.

George Newman: Say what?

Bob Steckler: We beat the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these notes. We got three shows in the top 5. "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse" went through the roof. Do you known what this means? We're finally going to make some real money. George, we are the number one station in town!

[They both scream for excitement]

Movie Announcer: There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62. First, slam to your way to health as you "Stay Fit" with Mike and Spike! Next, everybody's favorite: Chef Bernie invites you to go "Bowling for Burgers"! Sunday, be a part of the excitement as we premiere our new dazzling game show, "Strip Solitaire"! And then, join us for hilarious fun on the all new "Practical Jokes and Bloopers"! And you won't want to miss "Celebrity Mud Wrestling" with special guest: McCall Contraband! It's a whole new weekend on U-62, the reason television was invented!

Stanley Spadowski: [chuckles] Be there!

Stanley Spadowski: [in backroom of the UHF building, preparing for another fund drive. There is a knock at the back door] Who is it?

Head Thug: I got a pizza here for Mr. Stanley Spadowski.

Stanley Spadowski: Pizza? For me? Ohhhh-ho-ho, boy!

[opens door, gets yanked through violently]

Stanley Spadowski: [later, blindfolded in the backseat of a car with the three thugs] I like peppers. I looooove anchovies. 'Cause they're real fishy. Sometimes I like to get a pizza with nothin' on it but anchovies, no peppers, no olives, no onions... 'cause they're good!

Killer Thug: [raises revolver] So, uh... do we kill him?

Head Thug: No, no, the boss just wants us to keep him on ice for a while. Easy, easy!

Stanley Spadowski: Hey, wait a minute! You guys aren't from the pizza place!

R.J. Fletcher: You are a worthless human being, Mr., um...

Stanley Spadowski: Spadowski, sir. Stanley Spadowski.

R.J. Fletcher: [chuckles] Might I call you Stanley?

Stanley Spadowski: [chuckles] Okay...

R.J. Fletcher: Stanley... YOU'RE FIRED!

Stanley Spadowski: But I-I-I didn't...

R.J. Fletcher: GET OUT!

George Newman: Hey, Stanley.

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah, George?

George Newman: How'd you like to have your own TV show?

Stanley Spadowski: [beat] ... okay.

George Newman: You're on.