Stanley Ipkiss Quotes in The Mask (1994)


Stanley Ipkiss Quotes:

  • Stanley Ipkiss: [to get his dog to steal the keys from the sleeping guard] No Milo, not the *cheese*... The *keys*!

  • Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Somebody STOLE your pajamas?

    Stanley Ipkiss: [seeing Milo jump at the closet door where the stolen money is] Milo, no! I mean, uh, what is this world coming to when a man's... *pajama drawer* is no longer safe?

  • [last lines]

    Stanley Ipkiss: [on a bridge with Tina, holding the mask in his hand] You sure you're not gonna miss this guy? Once he's gone, all that's left is me.

    [Without a word, Tina takes it from him and throws it into the water, then grabs and kisses him. Meanwhile, Charlie, watching them, gets out of the car and rushes over to the edge of the bridge to look for the mask. It's floating in the water, so he climbs over the railing and jumps in... ]

    Charlie Schumacher: [seeing Milo swimming off with the mask] MILO!

    [Meanwhile... ]

    Stanley Ipkiss: [a wide grin on his face] SSSMOKIN'!

    [He grabs Tina and kisses her... ]

  • Mrs. Peenman: Ipkiss, do you have any idea what time it is?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Actually, no.

    Mrs. Peenman: [spots his wet feet on her carpet] My new carpet! Well, this is coming right out of your security deposit, Ipkiss!

    Stanley Ipkiss: You know, Mrs. Peenman...

    Mrs. Peenman: What?

    Stanley Ipkiss: [dejectedly] Nothing.

    Mrs. Peenman: Well, that's what you are, Ipkiss, a big nothing!

    Stanley Ipkiss: [after Mrs. Peenman slams her door] Aren't you due back at the lab to have your bolts tightened?

  • Mr. Dickey: Ipkiss, we have a crisis on our hands here and you stroll in over an hour late? If I have to put up with your slovenly behavior...

    Stanley Ipkiss: BACK OFF, Monkey Boy, before I tell your daddy you're running this place like it's your own personal piggy bank. Or maybe we should call the IRS, and see if we can arrange a little vacation for you at Club FED!

    Mr. Dickey: [shocked from being told off by his employee] That'll be all, Ipkiss.

  • Charlie Schumacher: [referring to Tina] A girl like that is always looking for the BBD: Bigger Better Deal.

    Stanley Ipkiss: You don't know that, Charlie. She's an artist. She's... she's sensitive.

    Charlie Schumacher: Stanley, forget her. That girl will tear your heart out, put it in a blender and hit "frappe." You don't need her, man. You need somebody a little more down to earth. Somebody with some integrity. Somebody with

    [sees Peggy]

    Charlie Schumacher: red hair and full pouty lips, a white blouse, a green jacket and a name tag.

    Stanley Ipkiss: Boy, you really narrowed it down.

  • Stanley Ipkiss: It's a power tie. It's supposed to make you feel powerful.

    Tina Carlyle: Does it work?

    Stanley Ipkiss: [knowing it doesn't work, tries changing the subject] Now, uh, how about that account? We have...

    [nervously jams a pen in the pencil sharpener, making a loud grinding noise]

    Stanley Ipkiss: checking, savings and checking, CDs, savings and CDs, checking and CDs, savings, checking, and CDs, T-bills, or we can just take all your money and throw it in a big mattress back there.

  • Maggie: Stanley, you are the nicest guy. Really, you are.

    Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah?

    Maggie: Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy?

    Charlie Schumacher: The best.

    [Maggie walks off]

    Charlie Schumacher: That was THE most sickening display I've ever seen.

    Stanley Ipkiss: I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down.

  • Stanley Ipkiss: [imitating Dr. Neuman] That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking.

    [Stanley laughs, puts on mask, it starts to suck on his face and he pulls it off]

    Stanley Ipkiss: [bewildered] Yeah, right.

  • Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Yes?

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Lt. Kellaway, city precinct. You know anything about the disturbance last night?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Dis... turbance?

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Yeah, some kind of prowler broke in and attacked Mrs. Peenman.

    Stanley Ipkiss: Attacked?

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: You didn't hear anything? She unloaded a couple of rounds of buckshot 5 feet from your door.

    [Stanley sees Mrs. Peenman complaining about big hole in floor]

    Stanley Ipkiss: This is... impossible.

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened.

    Stanley Ipkiss: See, I have an inner ear problem. Sometimes I can't hear anything.

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Is that a fact?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Eh?


    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Here's my card. If you remember anything unusual about last night, anything at all, call me.

    Stanley Ipkiss: You betcha. Thank you. And good luck... cracking the case.

  • [Tyrell and Ipkiss are fighting at the club]

    Dorian Tyrell: I'm gonna take you apart.

    Stanley Ipkiss: Well, I hope you can enjoy the victory with one freakin' eye!

    [Ipkiss pokes Tyrell in the eye]

  • Stanley Ipkiss: [looking wistfully at the newspaper clipping of Tina] Stupid. She would never...

    [He turns and sees the mask lying on the sofa. Slowly, he walks over to it and holds it... ]

    Stanley Ipkiss: [throwing it over the sofa] No way.

    [Walks away, stops, then jumps back over the sofa and puts it on]

  • Charlie Schumacher: The Coco Bongo Club. Hottest new joint in town. Only the creme de la creme need apply.

    Stanley Ipkiss: So how do we get in?

  • Stanley Ipkiss: I'm here for the Civic.

    Irv: The brake drums are shot and you need a new transmission.

    Stanley Ipkiss: What? All I wanted was an oil change!

    Burt: Well, you're lucky we caught these problems now before they cause you some serious trouble.

  • Stanley Ipkiss: [Being lifted by bodyguards] You put me down, or I am never coming back here!

    [They drop him on the ground painfully]

    Stanley Ipkiss: [Weak with pain] Thanks.

  • Peggy Brandt: Hi, I'm Peggy Brandt from the Tribune.

    Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, hi. Look, I cancelled my subscription because they kept stealing my paper from the...

    Peggy Brandt: Oh, no, actually, I just want to ask you a few questions.

    Stanley Ipkiss: Really? About what?

    Peggy Brandt: Ripley Auto Finishing. You're a customer of theirs, aren't you?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Me? No. I don't even have a car. You know, 'cause they pollute.

    Peggy Brandt: You don't own an '89 Civic?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, that car, yeah. Yeah. It's all coming back to me.

  • Stanley Ipkiss: [to Kellaway] Hi, lieutenant. Listen, this isn't the best time right now for a...

    [Kellaway enters]

    Stanley Ipkiss: Won't you come in?

  • Dorian Tyrell: Stanley! Tell me. How's this mask work?

    Stanley Ipkiss: I don't know. You just put it on.

    [Dorian is about to put on the mask]

    Eddy: Boss! You better be carefull, huh?

    [Dorian puts on the mask and transforms himself into The Mask]

    Dorian Tyrell: [now in deepend voice] What a rush!

    Eddy: Wow, boss! You're okay?

    Dorian Tyrell: Better than ever, you idiot.

    Eddy: What do we do with Ipkiss?

    Dorian Tyrell: The police are looking for The Mask. So, we'll give them The Mask.

  • Stanley Ipkiss: [explaining how The Mask works] It's like it brings your innermost desires to life. If deep down you're a little repressed, and a hopeless romantic, you become some kind of love-crazy wild man.

    Tina Carlyle: And if you're someone like Dorian?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Then we're all in big trouble.

  • Tina Carlyle: Stanley? Are you all right?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah. I've, never been better, really. Just... Just catching some air out here.

    [Valet drives up with his car: a loaner Studebaker]

    Parking Valet: Your car, sir.

    Stanley Ipkiss: [chuckles to Tina] That's not my car.

    Parking Valet: It matches the ticket.

    Stanley Ipkiss: All right... I'll take it. But I am VERY angry. You believe this? You drive in in a Porsche...

  • Stanley Ipkiss: [Tina's being chased by one of Dorian's henchmen] Hey, guard, there's a woman being chased in the alley there.

    Guard: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it down.

    Stanley Ipkiss: C'mon, MAN! SERVE AND PROTECT!

  • Tina Carlyle: Thanks.

    Stanley Ipkiss: For what?

    Tina Carlyle: Lots of things. Sharing the sunset with me. For being the only guy whose ever treated me like a person and not some sort of party favor. For being any kind of romantic. Even a hopeless one.

    Stanley Ipkiss: You're welcome.

    Tina Carlyle: You know that night at the club? I knew I'd found someone special.

    Stanley Ipkiss: [rolls his eyes] The Mask.

    Tina Carlyle: No, it was the guy inside the mask. It was you all along. You, Stanley Ip... kiss.

    [they go to kiss when the guard interrupts them]

  • Stanley Ipkiss: [opens the door] Hi, Lieutenant. This isn't a good time right now, so...

    [Kellaway enters]

    Stanley Ipkiss: Won't you come in?

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Where were you last night, Ipkiss?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Here, mostly. Is something wrong?

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: What do you know about this Mask character?

    Stanley Ipkiss: [chuckles] Mask?

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Don't insult my intelligence, Ipkiss. He robs the bank you work in and then I find this in the Coco Bongo.

    [shows Stanley a piece of his pajamas]

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: There can't be 2 idiots with pajamas like these.

    [Milo is trying to open the door to the closet where the money is stashed away]

    Stanley Ipkiss: Milo, no!

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: May I see those pajamas, Mr. Ipkiss?

    Stanley Ipkiss: Those, uh, those pajamas were, uh... stolen.

    Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Somebody stole your pajamas?

    Stanley Ipkiss: [grabs Milo] Yeah. I mean, what is the city coming to when a man's pajama drawer is no longer safe?

  • Mrs. Peenman: [banging on his door] Ipkiss, turn down those cartoons!

    Stanley Ipkiss: All right, Mrs. PeenMAN!

  • Tina Carlyle: [about Dorian, with the mask] He's going to the charity ball tonight. He's gonna do something terrible.

    Stanley Ipkiss: Like what, the Lambada?

  • Stanley Ipkiss: Milo stay here. Looks like Daddy's gotta go kick some butt.

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