Stanley Quotes in The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Bruce Banner: Stan, I give you my word. Whatever you've heard about me, it's not true.

Stanley: Oh, I know it. I always knew it. I mean, you know how I felt about you two.

[Bruce nods]

Stanley: Have you talked to her?

Bruce Banner: No. She doesn't know that I'm here.

[pause]

Bruce Banner: She's with somebody?

Stanley: Yeah, He's a head-shrink. They say he's one of the best. But a really nice guy.

Bruce Banner: Oh... Good. That's good.

Stanley: Bruce. What can I do to help you?

Bruce Banner: I could use a bed for a few nights.

Stanley: Ah. You can have the spare room upstairs.

Bruce Banner: That'd be so great.

[pause]

Bruce Banner: There's, uh, there's one other thing...

Terrier: The company's clearing house.

Stanley: You have to expose them.

Gabriel: Have you ever heard of Harry Houdini? Well he wasn't like today's magicians who are only interested in television ratings. He was an artist. He could make an elephant disappear in the middle of a theater filled with people, and do you know how he did that? Misdirection.

Stanley: What the fuck are you talking about?

Gabriel: Misdirection. What the eyes see and the ears hear, the mind believes.

Stanley: War? Who are we at war with?

Gabriel: Anyone who impinges on America's freedom. Terrorist states, Stanley. Someone must bring their war to them. They bomb a church, we bomb ten. They hijack a plane, we take out an airport. They execute American tourists, we tactically nuke an entire city. Our job is to make terrorism so horrific that it becomes unthinkable to attack Americans.

Ginger: You're not too good at this golf thing, are you, Stan?

Stanley: You're fucking up my chi.

Gabriel: Big Stan! Nice suit.

Stanley: Thanks.

Gabriel: They say it's the suit that makes the man.

Stanley: Buy it?

Gabriel: Hope not!

Stanley: What are you still doing here? Look, I'm beginning to lose my sense of humor about all this.

Ginger: Ok, then I'll cut to the chase. If you want a chance in hell at getting your daughter back you better listen up. Unless of course, you want to stay here, in this loser existence, while your daughter grows up to be a fluffer in her new daddy's videos.

Stanley: With the courtesy of not confusing your own childhood with my daughter's.

Ginger: You know, you should really have let me buy you a suit, Stanley.

Stanley: I'm happy with what I'm wearing, thank you.

Ginger: Ignorance is bliss.

Stanley: [Stanley is going to drive Gabriel's car during a shoot-out with the police] I can't drive this thing!

Gabriel: Learn!

Stanley: How can you justify all this?

Gabriel: You're not looking at the big picture Stan. Here's a scenario. You have the power to cure all the world's diseases but the price for this is that you must kill a single innocent child, could you kill that child Stanley?

Stanley: No.

Gabriel: You disappoint me, it's the greatest good.

Stanley: Well how about 10 innocents?

Gabriel: Now you're gettin' it, how about a hundred - how about a THOUSAND? Not to save the world but to preserve our way of life.

Stanley: No man has the right to make that decision; you're no different from any other terrorist.

Gabriel: No, you're wrong Stanley. Thousands die every day for no reason at all, where's your bleeding heart for them? You give your twenty dollars to Greenpeace every year thinking you're changing the world? What countries will harbor terrorists when they realize the consequences of what I'll do? Did you know that I can buy nuclear warheads in Minsk for forty million each? Hell, I'd buy half a dozen and even get a discount!

Stanley: And you are?

Ginger: I'm Ginger.

Stanley: Where's Gilligan?

Gabriel: Twenty... She's dying Stanley.

Stanley: Shut the FUCK up!

Stanley: It's not gonna end like this.

Gabriel: Oh, come on, Stan. Not everything ends the way you think it should. Besides, audiences love happy endings.

Stanley: Nothing is impossible.

Stanley: [Bus busts through set up barracades] Wait... where are we going?

Gabriel: Ever see the movie "Sugarland Express"?

[Stanley shakes his head]

Gabriel: Didn't like the way it ended.

[Bus is lifted into the air by a transport helicopter and becomes airborne]

Gabriel: Everybody hold on!

Dennis: You were suppose to count to three.

Stanley: Is that right?

Dennis: Yeah, it's one, two, three. Not one, three, boom.

Iceman: Shootin' The Hole is just like makin' love.

Stanley: But I've never made love.

Iceman, Jerry Cramer: [concerned looks] Good luck.

Iceman: All we need is a kick-ass dancer...

Stanley: [shaking head] Oh no...

Iceman: Oh yes, you kick ass!

Stanley: [backing away] I don't kick anything!

Stanley: If you are going through hell, keep going.

Oliver: What a beautiful picture.

Alva P. Hartley: Yes, that cost a lot of money. It's a Vandyke.

Stanley: A what?

Alva P. Hartley: A Vandyke. You know what a Vandyke is.

Stanley: Oh, yeah. My uncle had one, but he had to have it shaved off.

Oliver: Shh!

Stanley: What?

Oliver: Vandyke was a painter, not a beard.

[Stan and Ollie have been invited to dinner]

Oliver: I'm famished.

Alva P. Hartley: We'll start with the turkey.

[he uncovers a tray holding a number of pills]

Alva P. Hartley: Will you have light meat or dark?

[Alva plunks some pills on the boys' plates]

Stanley: Could I have another joint?

The Warden Walker: Stanley, won't you just open it? Just let me see what's inside it, please!

Stanley: Excuse me?

Mr. Pendanski: You are here on account of one person; do you know who that one person is?

Stanley: Yeah, my no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-great-great-grandfather, that's who it is.

Mr. Pendanski: No, you.

Mr. Sir: Stanley Yelnats... the Fourth?

Stanley: Everyone in my family names their son Stanley, 'cause it's Yelnats backwards. It's this little... tradition.

Mr. Pendanski: No one cares about Hector Zeroni.

Stanley: I do.

Zero: Did they have red X's on them?

Squid: You got Zero to talk.

Armpit: Hey yo, what else can you do Zero?

[Zero looks at his food]

Stanley: Yeah. Yeah they did.

Zig-Zag: What color was it's blood?

Stanley: I-I don't know. I couldn't tell.

Zig-Zag: I wish I'd a seen it. Bam!

Magnet: If Mr. Sir didn't shoot it, Stanley, you'd be in the hole.

Zig-Zag: Don't you know each one's got exactly 11 spots?

Squid: Yeah, man, but if you ever get close enough to count 'em, you're dead.

Armpit: Look, it's the lizards we're workin' for, man. We build their houses for 'em. I mean, yesterday I saw 10 of 'em in one hole.

Squid: We ain't diggin' for no lizards

Armpit: What we diggin' for then man?

X-Ray: Like Mr. Sir said, we diggin' to build some character.

Stanley: Where's a person go to the bathroom around here?

Magnet: Pick a hole, any hole

Stanley: Man how did she know my name?

Zig-Zag: Oh, man, she's got the whole place wired. Oh yeah, she has these little cameras and microphones all over the place. In the tent, in the rec room, in the showers.

Stanley: They're not in the showers.

Squid: Oh don't listen to him. I read his file. It said he suffers from, um, oh. acute paranoia.

Magnet: So I guess that means she watches me everyday, huh.

Armpit: Man, he said cameras and microphones, not microscopes.

Stanley: I feel really awkward with you reading over my shoulder like that, so...

Zero: I can't read.

[last lines]

Stanley: I guess you have to fill in the rest of the holes yourself.

Stanley: You know what I keep thinkin' of?

Zero: What?

Stanley: How fine this Mary Lou must've looked like in a bikini.

Zero: What do you thinks up there?

Stanley: I don't know, a great big Frosty-Freeze?

Zero: Good, 'cause I could use a hot fudge sundae.

Judge: I could send you to jail and not lose one bit of sleep over it.

Judge: There is a vacancy at Camp Green Lake.

Judge: The choice is yours: Camp Green Lake or Jail.

Stanley: Uh... well, um... I've never been to camp before.

Judge: Eighteen months - Camp Green Lake, son.

[bangs gavel]

Stanley: I stole a pair of shoes.

Squid: From a store or were they on someone's feet?

Zig-Zag: No, he killed the guy first, just left out that little detail, huh?

Magnet: Nobody messes with the Caveman.

X-Ray: Did you see the Caveman back there?

Stanley: I don't wanna mess with anybody.

Zig-Zag: Come on, Caveman.

Stanley: ...I'm Caveman?

Zero: Better than Barfbag.

Mr. Sir: There's lizards, hot sun, and Rattlesnakes.

Stanley: Rattlesnakes?

Mr. Sir: If you don't bother them they wont bother you and ya wont get bitten and die. Usually.

Stanley: Look, it says KB.

Zig-Zag: Yeah... yeah that's Keith Barrenger.

Squid: Who?

Zig-Zag: He was in my math class.

Stanley: Hector, I'm glad you stole those shoes and threw 'em on my head.

Mr. Sir: All life begins with water. So think of it this way, I'm givin' you life. Say thank you.

Stanley: Thank you, Mr. Sir.

Zero: You know, those stars look like a shovel to me.

Stanley: Exactly... Hector, I feel lucky.

Zero: [laughing] The onions have gone to your head.

Stanley: What do you say we dig one more hole?

Stanley: [looking at "God's Thumb"] Say, what does that look like to you?

[he and Zero hold out their thumbs, and look at each other]

[Stanley arriving in the desert]

Stanley: So. Where's the lake?

Guard: Hey. What did I just tell you? Don't be a wise guy!

Stanley: It's destiny.

Stanley: [Hands Zero an onion] Here, eat this.

Zero: What is it?

Stanley: It's a hot-fudge sundae, just eat it.

Stanley: [in the Court Room] Well, I've never been to camp before...

Stanley: Behold, the awesome power of... Mount Vesuvius!

[Pulls switch, nothing happens]

Stanley: The, uh, toggle switch isn't, uh... toggling.

Stanley: Don't you know that dreams are fragile things?

[Stanley is too scared to go confront Gnorga]

Stanley: Yeah but what can I do?

Gus: [while grabbing his boat from Stanley] What about all of your powers, "Mr. Yougottabelievegreenthumb?"

Stanley: Oh, no, no, my presidentigiation, is no match for Gnorga's mag...

Gus: [interrupting] Oh sure! You're just saying that, because your scared to fight her!

[All of the flowers gasp in shock]

Stanley: I can't, oh Gnorga, you know Gnorga, she'll destroy me, she'll marbleize me!

Gus: Well I'm not scared!

[the flowers abandon Stanley to go with Gus]

Stanley: [sheepishly] I'd help you if I could but I can't, she'll turn me to stone, and I don't want to be "rockinized."

[Stanley pauses for a few seconds before lunging forward]

Stanley: Gus! Don't you understand? In the troll world, darkness always triumphs over light?

Gus: Know what Stanley? You'll never have a dream come true, and you know why? Because your too scared to fight for what you believe in.

[Gus pauses for a second, then throws his boat down at Stanley]

Gus: You're a COWARD!

[Gus and the flowers leave while Stanley looks at the boat as it falls in the water]

Gus: Stop saying that! He can't be a troll because there's no such thing as... trolls. Uh-oh, talking flowers. This is weird. Come on Rosie we'd better go home now.

Stanley: Go - you mean leave? You're going to take Rosie away from me?

Gus: You got it space man!

[thinking they've died and gone to Heaven]

Stanley: Hail to thee, Oh Lord.

The Lloyd: Actually, it's pronounced 'Lloyd'.

Stanley: [to Petunia] All these years we've been saying it wrong.

[When noticing a letter with "Return to Sender" on it]

Stanley: Who is this Sender and what is he doing with other people's mail?

Stanley: I looked it up in my Great Big Book of Everything

Lionel: [rolls eyes] I should have known

Stanley: I bet cowboys on Dude Ranches didn't have to go to bed at 8:00

Dennis: Little ones do.

Stanley: Hey Dennis. I'm confused.

Harry: Join the club Dude!

Elsie: What are you confused about Harry?

Harry: [clueless] Uh! You name it!

Elsie: [groans] Awww!

Stanley: I can't forgive you, only God can forgive you.

Sophie: But you said there is no God.

Stanley: Precisely my point.

Stanley: When the heart rules the head, disaster follows.

Stanley: You're born, you commit no crime, and then you're sentenced to death.

Stanley: All my optimism was an illusion.

Stanley: I have irrational positive feelings for Sophie Baker.

Stanley: I came to say that for some inexplicable reason that defies common sense and human understanding, that I have, of late, experienced some small... quite small but discernible, inner stirrings regarding your smile.

Stanley: The comparison makes me laugh! Olivia is a person of accomplishment and charm. Sophie's a street finagler who makes her way living off one bit of hokum to the next.

Aunt Vanessa: Well, I don't see how you can compare the two.

Stanley: Well, don't put ideas into my head!

Aunt Vanessa: Well, far be it from me!

Stanley: Of course, she does come from dire circumstances. I mean, it's very easy to be judgmental about people who are born into circumstances less fortunate than one's own.

Aunt Vanessa: Well, life is harsh. One must do what one must to survive.

Stanley: Well put. And people do sometimes make the wrong choices, which they regret, even though no serious harm was done.

Aunt Vanessa: Which of us has not made some blunders in life?

Stanley: And there is a rather appealing quality about Sophie. Despite her disgusting behaviour.

Aunt Vanessa: Yes, her smile is rather winning. Of course, it depends how much value you put on the purely physical.

Stanley: Well, no, I... I, for one, esteem the higher virtues.

Aunt Vanessa: Hmm... Beauty of the soul...

Stanley: Although her eyes are rather pleasant to look into. And that she can be amusing, under the right circumstances.

Aunt Vanessa: Oh, but Olivia is an educated, cultivated woman. One that befits a man of your artistic genius.

Stanley: Yes, now, my genius must be factored in. On paper, there's really no reason to prefer Sophie to Olivia.

Aunt Vanessa: Well, I would say the opposite.

Stanley: ...And so your, your suggestion that I, I be honest with Olivia and tell her that as irrational as it seems, I've fallen in love with, with Sophie - that's a preposterous notion.

Aunt Vanessa: It's lunacy.

Stanley: ...Yet I can't help feeling that...

Aunt Vanessa: ...That you love Sophie. Yes, I understand. You're puzzled and bewildered; because your foolish logic tells you that you should love Olivia.

Stanley: Foolish logic?

Aunt Vanessa: And yet, how little that logic means when placed next to Sophie's smile...

Stanley: What are you saying?

Aunt Vanessa: ...That the world may or may not be without purpose, but it's not totally without some kind of magic.

Stanley: ...I have irrational positive feelings for Sophie Baker. It's like witnessing a trick I can't figure out.

Stanley: [sees Sophie reading on a swing] Taken to reading the great books?

Sophie: Yes.

[Stanley says nothing]

Sophie: Well, you once said not to despair. There's hope for my brain.

Stanley: Perhaps I was a bit caustic... But you will admit you were guilty of some rather sleazy doings.

Sophie: Yes, well, those days are over. I no longer have to worry about where to sleep and how to eat.

Stanley: I take it Brice Catledge has made a serious marriage proposal?

Sophie: Yes. A very tempting one. Wouldn't you agree?

Stanley: Yes, I suppose so. But I'm here to make you a more tempting one.

Sophie: More tempting than this?

[shows ring with big rock]

Stanley: I came to say, that for some inexplicable reason that defines common sense and human understanding, that I have of late experienced some small... quite small, but discernible, inner stirrings regarding your smile.

Sophie: How magnanimous of you.

Stanley: Yes, I thought you'd think so.

[Sophie rolls her eyes]

Stanley: And possessing a soul which is large and capable of complexity, as all great minds are, I have decided to forgive you and take you under my wing.

Sophie: Your wing?

Stanley: It's a saying. Obviously, I don't have wings. I only mean that, incredible as it sounds, and this is no small gesture, given the time wasted and the public embarrassment you've caused me, that I'm willing to take you back.

Sophie: Take me back where?

Stanley: Under the moon in the observatory.

Sophie: ...I regretted what I was doing; I was too inept to change course, and I apologise. Really. And I accept your forgiveness. I understand that it's very generous of you, and I have to be going.

Stanley: Going? I haven't said what I came for.

Sophie: Well, then just say it, and go, because I have a dinner to go to with my fiancé.

Stanley: ...I'm here to say... that in spite of everything, I am willing to consider marrying you.

Sophie: What?

Stanley: Naturally, you can't believe your good fortune, I appreciate that.

Sophie: Stanley, brilliant as you are with a deck of cards, you are *terrible* at proposing.

Stanley: ...I've never proposed before.

Stanley: You're prettiest at about 8:20 in the summer, when the light is fading.

Stanley: Because, depressing as the facts of existence are, they are the facts. There is no metaphysical world. What you see out there is what you get. I think Mr. Nietzsche has disposed of the God matter rather convincingly.

Stanley: I view your behavior as a great man views the malicious mischief of... what shall we say, pygmy?

[first lines]

Stanley: I don't understand. Is the conductor a blithering idiot? He went over the tempo six times. It's Adagio, Adagio, Adagio! It's not racehorse tempo.

Stanley: There is no 'real thing', Howard! It's all phony! From the séance table to the Vatican and beyond!

Sophie: I'm sure Mr. Taplinger doesn't believe in the unseen world.

Sophie: On the contrary, I always thought the unseen world was a good place to open a restaurant.

Mrs. Baker: Um, time to go, Sophie.

Stanley: The spirits have to eat somewhere.

Stanley: I'm beginning to question my own common sense.

Aunt Vanessa: I've always questioned your common sense.

Stanley: Live dangerously, I say. You only live once. Or maybe two or three times, depending on your supply of ectoplasm.

Sophie: You never thought about me as a female?

Stanley: Well, I was always certain you were not of my sex, if that's what you're asking.

Stanley: [to God] My aunt, whom I love, is in mortal danger. And so, I ask you... I ask you...

[long pause]

Stanley: Wait a minute. This is the stupidest load of twaddle I have ever heard.

Stanley: Happiness is *not* the natural human condition.

Sophie: But when you went on to show me how *irrational* it was, and-and then you *proved* it, with geometrical *logic*...

Stanley: No, geometry was never my strong subject.

Stanley: We all hope someone will come along with superpowers, but the only superpower certain to show up wears a black robe.

Jack Brown: I'm writing a book. Writing a book is a job.

Stanley: No, writing a book is a copout.

Fred: What should I do Ira?

Stanley: What should he do about what.

Glenda Gardenia Parks: The chicken, Fred is a vegetarian and doesn't know if he should eat it.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Eat the chicken Fred.

Stanley: Notice how I remain calm? That's why I'm the Governor.

Stanley: Glenda, the house looks lovely. What have you done to it?

Glenda Gardenia Parks: We had it re-shingled.

Stanley: Jesus, how horny can you get?

Eugene: I don't know. What's the highest score?

Eugene: Stanley, how do girls... do it?

Stanley: Eugene, I'm dealing with a major problem in my life right now. I don't have time to describe girls masturbating for you!

Eugene: Just draw me a picture, I brought a pencil. You want crayons? Maybe you should do it in color.

[Eugene is watching his neighbor undress through a mini telescope]

Stanley: What are you doing?

Eugene: Astronomy. I have to bring in a report tomorrow.

Stanley: Let me know when she gets to the Milky Way.

Eugene: I think I'm in love with her.

Stanley: Well forget it, she's your cousin!

Eugene: What's wrong with being in love with your cousin?

Stanley: Because it's against the laws of nature! You can't marry your first cousin, you'll get babies with nine heads!

Eugene: Don't hate me for what I'm going to say.

Stanley: What is it?

Eugene: I think Aunt Blanche has a great ass.

Stanley: They're gonna lock you up in a sex asylum. If I was your sister I wouldn't sleep on the same block as you!

Stanley: I got fired today!

Eugene: Fired? You mean for good?

Stanley: You don't get fired temporarily. It's a permanent lifetime firing.

Eugene: You never told me? What was she like? Was she pretty? How old was she?

Stanley: Don't start in with me Eugene. Every time I get in trouble, I have to tell you what a naked girl looks like? Do me a favor; go in the bathroom, whack off and grow up by yourself!

Stanley: Phil... Have you ever felt like you were just really meant to be with somebody? Like your whole life was just kind of this big mess that just kinda kept happening up until the day when this unbelievable person came into your life, and then suddently, you know, you didn't feel so lost anymore. You felt like everything you thought you'd been doing wrong in your life, you're actually doing it right, because that whole time she was coming closer to you. You just weren't smart enough to know it. Or... brave enough to just tell her.

[Stan and Ollie have just heard that they will be executed the next day]

Oliver: Shot at sunrise!

Stanley: I hope it's cloudy tomorrow!

Oliver: Stanley, a miracle has happened. I've completely forgotten.

Stanley: You mean you've forgotten Georgette?

Oliver: Who's Georgette?

Stanley: That's swell, now we can go home.

Stanley: [watching a pair of airplanes doing acrobatics] I wonder what keeps them up?

Oliver: I don't know. But I do know what keeps me DOWN!

[firmly and deliberately taps his shoe on the pavement in front of him to indicate how safe and solid it is and how he never intends to let his feet leave the ground]

Stanley: Yes, sir - good old Terracotta Firma for me!

Oliver: Hey Stan... oh, Stan... over here...

Stanley: [Stan does a take - sees a horse in a pasture with Oliver's hat and mustache] Ollie... is it really you?

Oliver: [as horse] Of course it's me. Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

Stanley: Gee I'm glad to see you!

[scene fades, end of film]

Oliver: Just how much do we get paid for all this?

Commandant: One hundred centimes a day.

Stanley: That's not bad...

Oliver: How much is that in American money?

Commandant: American money? About three cents a day. Of course, it varies with the exchange rate.

Oliver: If you think you're going to get that kind of work outta *me* for three cents a day, brother, you're *crazy*.

Commandant: Is that right?

Stanley: That's right because we don't work for less than twenty-five cents a day! Do we, Ollie?

Stanley: I hate the taste of alcohol, but if I don't drink, I feel awful.

Stanley: [was singing in high, feminine voice] Hello, Ollie.

Oliver: Why, you know that you've got a nice voice.

Stanley: Oh, I had a much nicer voice when I ran a nail through it. I rememb...

Oliver: [sarcastically] You ran a nail through it. Let me hear you sing that again.

Stanley: Well, blow me down with an anchovy.

Stanley: Don't worry about me. I can gyp that gypsy any time. You know, he's so dumb, he's thicker than mud.

Oliver: Hello, honey.

Ollie's Wife: Don't honey me, you big bag of suet! I told you five minutes ago not to talk to me. I told you an hour ago. I told you a week ago!

Stanley: Yeah, and you told him a year ago too. Didn't you?

Ollie's Wife: [to Ollie] I suppose you think you that you can contradict everything I say? Well, you can't, you can't, you can't! And you never will. You think you're a big man, don't cha? Don't cha? Don't cha? Don't cha?

Stanley: Tell her yes.

Ollie's Wife: You keep out of this, woodpecker!

Stanley: You know what?

Oliver: What?

Stanley: I'm not going to say anything until I get positive proof, but I just saw Devilshoof kissing your wife.

Oliver: Ha-ha. Ridiculous!

Stanley: Do you believe me or believe what I see?

Oliver: Nothing of the kind.

Stanley: Did you see him chuck her under the chin?

Oliver: Well, what of it?

Stanley: If she was my wife, I'd chuck her under the wagon. I wouldn't stand for...

Oliver: What are you trying to do? Cause a riff in my matrimonial bonds?

Town Crier: Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well!

Stanley: Could you tell us the time?

Drunk: Hello, strangers. What are you doin' in the village?

Stanley: Why, we're a coupla gypsies and we're tryin' to make an honest living.

Drunk: Oh, gypsies, eh? Can you tell fortunes?

Stanley: [pointing to Ollie] He can't, but I can.

Drunk: Good! Say, there's a coupla things that I'd like to know. And if you can tell me, I'll pay you well.

Stanley: All right! Your eyes are the windows of your soul. And to know all, I must touch your eyes. Watch closely. Close your eyes, slowly - slowly - slowly - slowly. Shut.

Drunk: Well, what do you see?

Stanley: [while picking his pocket] I see a long woman and a dark journey. That's all I see.

Drunk: Ahhh! Trifle! A long woman in a dark journey. Say, I wouldn't give you one ducat for a fortune like that. Ha! What you mean is a long woman with a tall journey.

Waiter: Yes, sir.

Oliver: Bring us two tankards of your rarest vintage.

Waiter: Yes, sir.

Stanley: Yeah, and put a wallop in it.

Oliver: Give me part of that banana.

Stanley: Huh?

Oliver: Give me part of the banana.

[Stan hands him the peel]

Oliver: Darling, meet your Uncle Stanley.

Arline as a Child: How do you do, Uncle Stanley?

[curtsy's]

Stanley: I'm pleased to meet you.

[curtsy's]

Stanley: Well, Oliver, I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father.

Oliver: Of all the greedy things. What did you want to eat all the breakfast for?

Stanley: Well, I didn't want it to go cold.

Oliver: Stan, Arline's in terrible danger! She's been captured by the soldiers and thrown into the dungeon. Come on, we've got to go to her rescue!

[Stan hiccups]

Oliver: You are guzzled.

Stanley: Oh, phhhhh! Nothing of the - kind.

Oliver: You would do this just when I need you most. Come on, pull yourself together! We've got to go and help her. Go on. Get!

Oliver: [as a giant] Well, Here's another nice mess you've gotten me into! Hmm!

Stanley: [as a dwarf]

[Whining]

Stanley: But I couldn't help it! You've always picked on me!

Stanley: I'm thinking of starting my own record label, you know -- "Morgue Music," or "Death Records," or maybe just "R.I.P." It's sort of catchy, don't you think?

Stanley: You might say I have a -- a STAKE in what happens to you. I mean, I think Rockula's gonna take off like a bat out of hell. The world is full of bloodsuckers and I would hate for anything to happen to you!

Schoolteacher: You spell "Needle"!

Oliver: [pause] N-E-I-D-L-E.

Schoolteacher: There is no "I" in needle!

Stanley: Then it's a rotten needle.

Schoolteacher: Now, what is a comet? You!

Prisoner: A comet. A comet is a star with a tale on it.

Schoolteacher: Right.

[points to Stan]

Schoolteacher: Name one.

Stanley: Rin Tin Tin.

Schoolteacher: D'oh!

Desk Sergeant: What's your name?

Stanley: Stanley Laurel.

Desk Sergeant: Say "sir" when you're addressing me. Now what's your name?

Stanley: Sir Stanley Laurel. Ffffff!

Oliver: He can't help that sir, Its a loose tooth, sir.

Desk Sergeant: Yeah, well, we'll be seein' to that. What's your name?

Oliver: Oliver Norvell Hardy, sir.

Desk Sergeant: [Looking over his paperwork] A couple of beer barons, eh?

Oliver: We're not going to the mess hall. We're not going to eat.

Prison Guard: You're not going to eat?

Stanley: No, we're on a hunger strike.

Oliver: Imfatically.

Prison Guard: What? You're going to pass up that nice, big roast turkey with chestnut dressing, and sweet potatoes Southern style, great big pans of hot biscuits, strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, sprinkled with powdered sugar, with a nice, big maraschino cherry on the top of it. Course, followed by a nice, big slice of ice cold watermelon and a big, black cigar.

Stanley: Any nuts?

Prison Guard: All you can eat of 'em.

Stanley: How about postponing the strike until tomorrow?

Oliver: Well... But not one minute after tomorrow.

Prison Guard: Come on, fall in!

Stanley: [later; Stan sees their meal of gruel] Hey! What about that turkey dinner?

Prison Guard: [shouts] Sit down, you!

Stanley: [they are wearing blackface] Oliver, er, Sambo!

Stanley: [gesturing to an African American cellmate and an Asian cellmate] Look, Amos and Andy.

Warden: [seeing Stan and Ollie for the first time]

[sadly]

Warden: My, my, and still they come. Let us begin with a perfect understanding. I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here. Keep one thing in mind, it all depends on you yourselves just how you're going to fare during your stay here. Never forget that this is a prison, and in a prison, all the rules must be obeyed. Discipline is the one thing that must be observed. If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay. If you're not, if you break the rules, then it will be just plain hell on Earth. Do you understand?

Stanley: Yes, sir.

[tooth buzzes]

Warden: [begins to go ballistic] Wha...!

Oliver: It was his tooth...

Warden: [shouts] Shut up, you! Put them in cell 14!

Prison Guard: But not in with The Tiger, sir.

Warden: [shouts] Put them in Cell 14! Get them out of here before I lose my temper!! Talking to the warden like that! A fine piece business. Convicts talking to the warden.

[shouts]

Warden: Why, I'll take those men, I'll break them! I'll put them in Cell 14. I don't care who's in there! What I'll do with them.

Stanley: [after getting their prison pictures taken] If they turn out good, can I have one?

Prison Guard: Come on, get out of here!

The Tiger: Ha ha, hey, you and me is gonna be good pals.

Stanley: Thank you.

[tooth buzzes]

The Tiger: Hey, I heard you the first time. Now don't take advantage of my good humor. But if you do...

[starts to strangle Stan]

Oliver: [Stan and Ollie disguised in black face] They'll never recognize us in a 100 years. For once in your life you've hit up on a good idea.

Stanley: A practical idea.

Oliver: What about the tooth? The buzzer.

Stanley: Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanized it.

Oliver: You what?

Stanley: I vulcanized it. I put some chewing gum in there and it don't buzz any more.

Oliver: You're actually using your brain. That's what comes from associating with me.

Stanley: What do you mean associa...

Oliver: Tut tut tut tut tut.

Stanley: Tut tut tut tut?

[last lines]

Warden: My boys, and you are my boys, I hold in my hand the pardons for both of you. This is the state's gesture in showing it's appreciation of your bravery. It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall that saved us from a disaster of cataclysmic dimensions.

[Stan and Ollie stare blankly; Warden hands them their pardons]

Oliver: Thank you, sir.

Warden: Now go, begin life a new. Forget this. Let this episode here be just a hiatus to be obliterated from your memory. And don't forget that I'm your friend. Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off, call on me at any time.

Oliver: Thank you.

[to Stan]

Oliver: We'll start all over again.

Stanley: We certainly will.

[to Warden]

Stanley: Can we take your order for a couple of cases?

[tooth buzzes]

Warden: Why you...!

[Stan and Ollie run from the office; screen fades to black; "THE END" appears on screen]

Oliver: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

Stanley: What do you mean - I got you into?

Oliver: Well, you sold that policeman that bottle of beer, didn't you?

Stanley: I didn't know he was a policeman. I thought he was a streetcar conductor.

Oliver: [at the prison dentist] Who ever heard of a dentist hurting you these days? Why, you won't even feel it.

Stanley: You won't feel it, but how about me? How about those other fellows?

Oliver: Ha ha ha ha, they were only laughing.

[sits down in dentist chair beside Stan]

Oliver: You know, there are times when you try my patience. There's nothing do it. It's all in your mind. Now just sit back and... Relax. Why they could pull every tooth in my head and I wouldn't even feel it.

[the dentist accidentally sets to work on Ollie's teeth; Ollie yelps in pain]

Oliver: Why didn't you tell him?

Stanley: I thought you were laughing.

Schoolteacher: What is a blizzard?

Stanley: A blizzard? A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard.

Schoolteacher: Fresh, huh?

Schoolteacher: How many times does three go into nine?

Stanley: ...Three times.

Schoolteacher: Correct.

Stanley: And two left over.

Schoolteacher: [nods; Ollie begins to giggle] What are you laughing at?

Oliver: There's only one left over.

Schoolteacher: D'oh!

Prison Guard: [placing the boys in solitary confinement] This is your suite.

Stanley: Have you got the time?

[Stan is shoved inside the hole and the door is locked]

Stanley: Ollie?

Oliver: What?

Stanley: I wonder how long we're going to be in here.

Oliver: Oh, about two months I guess.

Stanley: Gee, that's a month apiece.

Stanley: [shows Johnny his camcorder] I got Matthew's girlfriend here in a very private moment...

Andy: [snickers] Girlfriend? Matthew ain't had a girlfriend since he was sucking on his momma's titties!

Stanley: [walks through the middle of the woods and spots Jennifer; she's alive] You little bitch!

[he walks towards her, getting his foot caught in a bear trap she set up to lure him to; he screams]

Stanley: OHHH- AHHH!

[screaming]

Stanley: ANDY! ANDY, HELP ME!

Stanley: [Stanley runs outside where Johnny and Andy are sitting in front of Johnny's trailer] IT'S GONE!

Johnny: [to Andy, referring to Stanley running] Look at that. Looks like somebody spooked the cattle!

[both chuckle]

Stanley: It's gone. It's fucking gone!

Andy: Jesus, Stanley, calm the fuck down! What's got your nuts in a sling?

Stanley: My camera, it's gone. Someone stole it!

Andy: Maybe you accidentally ate it!

Stanley: FUCK OFF, MAN! This is serious!

[pause]

Stanley: It had the tape in it.

Johnny: What are you talking about?

Stanley: The tape... the fucking tape!

Johnny: The tape Storch smashed to bits? That tape?

Stanley: Oh, man, Storch didn't smash shit. l replaced it with a new one. The Sheriff stomped on the one that had nothing on it!

Johnny: [as Storch suddenly drives up in front of his trailer, tires screeching] Oh, shit!

Stanley: [Storch stops his car, gets out and advances towards Stanley with his pistol] What?

[Stanley backs away]

Stanley: I didn't do anything, Sheriff!

Storch: [shows Stanley the tape] Then you wanna tell me why this was dropped off to my house?

[pause]

Storch: TO MY WIFE!

[Storch angrily runs to Stanley and shoves the tape in his mouth]

Johnny: [grabs Jennifer] Matthew, get your clothes off, boy. We're gonna get your cherry popped!

[Matthew shakes his head]

Johnny: Matthew, I ain't asking you a question!

[Matthew fondles with the rubber bands on his wrist]

Johnny: STOP WITH THAT RUBBER BAND SHIT, HOMO!

Stanley: [holds his camcorder on Matthew, egging him on] You wanna talk the talk, you better walk the walk!

Matthew: [stutters] I'm walking!

Stanley: Virgin...

Stanley: [while burning Jennifer's clothes and possessions] Well, that's all of it, right down to her little titty sling.

Stanley: Man, this fire's making me hungry.

Johnny: Well, there's a headline! We gotta finish this shit. We gotta get that car in the garage. Then you can stuff your face 'till you puke!

[first lines]

Tom: You want us to take the hood off for a while?

Stanley: No thanks.

Tom: Could be a while, make it easier to breathe...

Stanley: I'm okay.

Tom: Suit yourself.

Stanley: That really was something with the dancing girl, wasn't it? What exactly did all that mean?

Desmond: I'll explain it to you. Remember Lil's wearin' a sour face.

Stanley: What do you mean?

Desmond: Her face had a sour look on it.

Desmond: [interviewing a waitress who is drinking coffee and smoking] D'you ever take cocaine, Irene?

Irene at Hap's: No, I do not. I never took cocaine or any other drug. I don't take drugs.

Stanley: Nicotine's a drug. Caffeine's a drug.

Irene at Hap's: [annoyed] Who's the towhead?

Stanley: You know, Agent Desmond, I figure this whole office, furniture included, is worth $27,000.

Stanley: Nine's really late. We're really early.

[after his gang beats and rapes Jennifer]

Stanley: Total submission. That's what I like in a woman - total submission.

Andy: Y'know, sometimes I look at these gorgeous-looking chicks, I mean the ones that look like real knockouts, sexy and all... and I wonder... I wonder if they gotta take a shit, too.

Stanley: Hey, all women shit, women are full of shit.

Matthew: Not my mother!

Andy: My sister is.

Johnny: Aw, man, cut out the shit talk!

Aaliyah: Tyrique?

Stanley: Aaliyah?

Aaliyah: On Party Chat you said you were 6'6!

Stanley: You said you were size 14!

Aaliyah: I am!

Stanley: Your feet, maybe.

Stanley: Will there be any honies there? I'm sick of sleeping with girls as big as Savai'i.

Tania: You slept with that Sasquatch?

Stanley: Yeah, she showed up. It would've been rude not to.

Sefa: What are these?

Stanley: Pants!

Sefa: Who's wearing them?

Stanley: You are!

Sefa: Correct!

Leilani: And who washes the skid marks out of them?

Stanley: [to Albert] What about Tanya? Tanya, who you work with?

Michael: I thought she's seeing someone else.

Albert: She hangs out with Derek.

Stanley: She thinks he's a dick.

Michael: So how come she's going out with him?

Stanley: She's not going out with him.

Michael: That's not what she said when I asked her to go to the wedding with me.

Albert: Michael, you asked Tanya? Are there any girls I like that you haven't asked out?

Stanley: So you DO like her.

Albert: So? She hangs out with dickwick Derek and his homeboys, he's obviously the "someone else"!

Stanley: Or, she hangs out with Derek because she's lonely, cause the dickwick she likes doesn't know she exists.

Michael: How do you know all this?

Stanley: I'm not just a pair of fancy shoes, you know.

Sefa: Let's go. Drive like the wind Bolo!

Bolo: My name is Paul.

Sefa: Bolo.

Albert: Bolo.

Michael: Bolo.

Stanley: Bolo.

Sefa, Albert, Michael, Stanley: PAUL!

[the guys propose to the Pastor to bring girls to the wedding]

Albert: It's so we're different people when these girls around. Even Sefa behaves when Leilani is with him, that's why he never takes her anywhere. Sione's like a little brother to us.

Michael: Especially me, sir.

Stanley: They're related.

Albert: And this is the last wedding we'd want to ruin.

Michael: Right, Sione?

[Sione shrugs]

Minister: Not just dates, not some girl foolish enough to say yes to a night out and free food. You must bring girlfriends.

Albert: Girlfriends?

Stanley: But Your Majesty, Albert hasn't had a girlfriend in 30 years!

Albert: Good one, Stanley.

Minister: Someone to whom you've made a commitment.

Michael: Commitment?

Minister: Commitment? Girlfriend? Other words you don't understand, huh?... You must find someone who sees the good in you. Bring her to my church on the day of Sione's wedding. Turn up alone, and Eugene will be more than happy to toss you into the street!

Albert: She smiled at me. She likes me.

Stanley: How can you tell? By the flirtatious way she's ignoring you?

Michael: What's happened to you, Sione?

Sione: I fell in love, you dick! Man, I love Leonie more than I love anthing in the world and if any of you dickheads wreck our wedding that's it, we're done!

Stanley: Guess you don't love her that much then.

Albert: [Out drinking with Princess and the Duckrockers] I feel less than ideal...

[throwing up in the restroom]

Albert: ... Do I still look cool...?

Stanley: Yeah... you hardly look wasted bro'.

[Stanley's drinking alone and a waitress takes away the spent dishes]

Waitress: Hey ummm if you want more corn beef, there's heaps out the back. Cheer up. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Stanley: ...Latifah?