Spottswoode Quotes in Team America: World Police (2004)

Spottswoode: Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".

Intelligence: [pause] Yes, there is.

Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.

Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.

[Deleted Scene]

Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I didn't realize he was a goddamn Gook. I'll never be a racist again.

Gary Johnston: OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

Gary Johnston: No.

Spottswoode: So then, you haven't seen everything.

Spottswoode: Attention. Attention, everyone. All you in the audience should go to your homes now. Your countries need you, but the world will be safe, thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.

[Crowd applauses as Gary kisses Lisa]

Spottswoode: Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth.

Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.

Joe: Uh... All right then. Let's move.

Spottswoode: Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown, and the terrorists take you prisoner, well, you'll probably want to take your own life. Here, you'd better have this.

[hands Gary a hammer]

Gary Johnston: [Gary sees the limo] Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get inside your limo and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

Spottswoode: Uh, no. I just want to show you something.

Gary Johnston: Yeah I bet you do.

Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is EXTREMELY valuable!

[Gary gets in the limo]

Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.

Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...

Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.

Joe: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.

[Deleted Scene]

Gary Johnston: I'm leaving. I'm out.

Spottswoode: No, Gary! You can't leave! We need you now, more than ever!

Gary Johnston: Don't you see what's going on out there? Everyone hates us!

Spottswoode: Hey, now, everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.

Gary Johnston: No, they didn't!

Spottswoode: Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!

Gary Johnston: You can't be serious.

Spottswoode: Oh, I am serious. Look, this is my serious face.

Spottswoode: Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.

Spottswoode: Go get'em, cowboy.

Spottswoode: That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Gary Johnston: But, I thought you weren't gay?

Spottswoode: This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!

Spottswoode: Gary, meet Chris. He may lack in courtesy, but he's the best martial arts expert Detroit has to offer.

Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.

Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock! Just kidding.

Spottswoode: Team, I'm afraid I have bad news. At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.

Lisa: What?

Sarah: But how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.

Spottswoode: It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Intelligence: I'm sorry.

[repeated line]

Spottswoode: Jesus Tittyfucking Christ!