Spoon Quotes in Dog Soldiers (2002)

[to attacking werewolf]

Spoon: I hope I give you the shits, you fucking wimp.

Cooper: Werewolves spend most of their time in human form, right? And the only people for miles around live right here.

Spoon: So these things aren't about to give up the fight and go home...

Cooper: They ARE home.

Sgt. Harry Wells: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I mean, think about it. We bust into their house, we eat all their porridge, we sleep in their fucking beds. No wonder they're pissed.

Cooper: Go on then Bruce, what scares you?

Bruce: The self-destructive nature of the human condition.

Spoon: You're just taking the piss now.

Cooper: What about you, Spoon?

Spoon: Castration.

Cooper: There's no argument there. Joe?

Joe: Only one thing guaranteed to put the shits up me: a penalty shoot-out.

Cooper: Figures. Terry?

Terry: Watching a penalty shoot-out... with Joe.

Bruce: What about you, Coop?

Cooper: Spiders. And women. And... spider-women.

Spoon: Know what this reminds me of? Rourke's Drift. 100 men of Harlech, making a desperate stand against 10,000 Zulu warriors. Outnumbered, surrounded, staring death in the face and not flinching for a moment. Balls of British steel.

Joe: You're bloody loving this, aren't you?

Terry: Planning on scoring, Sarge?

Spoon: Yea, well mind you don't foul her in the penalty box.

Terry: Aww.

Wells: Alright, button it, Private Parts.

Spoon: All right, you bastards...

[ignites flare]

Spoon: Come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough!

Spoon: [pause] Well, come on, you beauties!

Cooper: We need a decoy. Something fast and loud.

[all turn to Spoon, who wasn't listening]

Spoon: What? You what?

Spoon: So this bloke walks into a pub right, with a little dog under his arm. Puts it down on the bar, goes and sits down. The bar-tender's lookin' at him thinking "what the fuckin' hell's goin' on here?". Then he looks back at the dog, and to his surprise the dog turns around and...

[Dead cow drops into camp]

Cooper: Fuckin' cow.

Spoon: Fuckin' hell.

[Terry fires at it]

Wells: Cease fire, Terry. Cease fire.

Joe: Terry, what the hell are you doin'? You're firing blanks man.

Wells: Is everyone all right? Is everyone OK?

Spoon: Nah, man, I think I've shit meself.

[Homage to 3 Little pigs & The Shining]

Spoon: Little pigs, little pigs, we've come to nick ya video.

Megan: What happened?

Spoon: What happened? We were attacked by huge fuckin' howlin' things, that's what.

Spoon: [walking upstairs upon first entering the house] Little pigs, Little pigs, we've come to nick your video.

Joe: This is bone. This is so fucking bone.

Cooper: Anything else?

Megan: Yeah. What does 'bone' mean?

Spoon: Bone; Bollocks, naff.

Joe: Not. Very. Good.

Megan: Right. Anything else I should know?

Cooper: Call signs. You need to be specific. Upstairs you've got Sergeant Wells who you seem to know inside and out by now. Over there you've got Spoon, the vomiting cavalier is Terry, and the big guy with the axe is Joe.

[Joe watching the cow roasting on the fire]

Joe: Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

Bruce: You are joking aren't you?

Spoon: You fuckin' animal.

Joe: Yea, you're all thinking the same thing aren't you?

Spoon: Mmmm.

Joe: Right lads, how do ya like your steak done?

Wells: You bunch of dirty bloody savages. You lot make me sick. God.

Wells: All right, then, time sync. I got zero-seven-thirty coming up in three... two... one... check.

Spoon: Oh, bollocks, I don't believe this.

Wells: What is it now, Witherspoon?

Spoon: Left me watch at the barracks, Sarge.

Wells: Take a breather every once in a while, son, you'll live longer.

Terry: Nice work, Spoon, you tosser.

Joe: Took the words right out of my mouth.

Spoon: And you'll be taking my boot out your mouth in a minute, Joe, you baldy twat.

[faced by a werewolf]

Cooper: Don't... stare... back.

Spoon: I can't... help... it.

Terry: Why would they put a bug in our radio?

Spoon: It's the Kobayashi Maru test. They fixed it so we can't fuckin' win.

[Joe's complaining about the quality of the food]

Joe: I'm sick of this pre-packed dog shite.

Bruce: If it's not one thing, it's another, eh Joe?

Spoon: I know, you're like a bear with a sore head.

Terry: Thanks to Cooper's fancy footwork.

Cooper: Yeah, sorry about that Joe. How's your head doing?

Joe: Still in one piece. Knock on wood.

Joe: Come on then Bruce, man. Lets hear the result on the radio.

Bruce: Why do you keep torturing yourself?

Joe: We might've slaughtered them.

Bruce: Yeah, then again, you might not.

Terry: We all wanna know the results Joe. We just enjoy watching you suffer.

Joe: Laugh. I nearly split my sides.

Spoon: Yeah, well there's no point tearing your hair out about it Joe... oops, sorry mate, too late.

[Referring to Megan]

Spoon: What do ya think of her then?

Terry: Not my type.

Spoon: She's the only type, mate.

Joe: Why have the runt of the litter when ya can have the cream of the crop?

Spoon: [Imitating a wanking gesture] No soggy dreams mate.

Cooper: Any questions?

Joe: Just the one, Coop. Exactly what is it we're fighting against?

Cooper: Megan, do you wanna run it past the boys?

Megan: Lycanthrope.

Joe: You what?

Cooper: That's werewolves to you and me.

Joe: You're taking the piss.

Spoon: What? It makes perfect sense to me.

[Throwing various kitchen utensils at attacking werewolf]

Spoon: Yea? Yea? You want some? Here we go. Yea? See if you're fuckin' hard. If you're so fuckin' hard... you throw a punch like a wimp. Fucking bastard. C'mon. C'mon. Bring it on. All right you...

Spoon: [upon arriving at the house] Where the hell are we now?

Joe: Home Sweet Home.

Cooper: Everyone tooled up?

Spoon: To the nines.

Spoon: They shut down the generator!

Terry: Why would they do that?

Megan: Because they can see in the dark.

Ryan: And you're afraid of it.

Spoon: You're gonna have to move like shit off a shovel on this one, mate.

Cooper: You worry about your own shit, all right?

Spoon: [about the plan to blow up the shed] Yeah its easy-peasy.

Cooper: Yeah, lemon-squeezy.

[Wells gives Spoon his watch]

Sergeant Wells: Just cause its nice and new and shiny doesn't mean its worth shit. Now remember I want that back.

Spoon: What about you Sarge?

Sergeant Wells: Well I'll count, wont I?