Soap Quotes in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

Eddie: They're armed.

Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?

Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!

Soap: A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.

Soap: What do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck-ups?

Tom: It's the mother of all fuck-ups, stupid!

Soap: Brother, mother, any other sucker. It don't make any difference. They're still fucking guns and they still fire fucking bullets!

Eddie: Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.

Soap: Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.

Tom: Soap, is there something we should know about you?

Bacon: I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.

Tom: Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse.

Soap: I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.

Tom: You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.

Soap: Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.

Eddie: Will you two stop flirting for a minute?

Soap: You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not.

Soap: A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean.

Soap: Where the fuck are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery.

Eddie: Where did they get those outfits?

Tom, Bacon: Not a bad idea, that.

Soap: You mean to tell me that the only thing connecting us with the murders is in the back of your car which is parked outside?

Tom: They cost me 700 quid. I'm not just going to throw them away. They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, now are they?

Soap: You really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're a dick.

Soap: OY! Keep your fingers out of my soup!

Soap: Rory Breaker? That psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?

Tom: That would be the same man, yes.

Soap: You want a sandwich, Bacon?

Tom: [after having just robbed Dog and his crew] Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?

Soap: When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.

Eddie: Bacon, see what we've got.

Bacon: Let's have a butcher's, eh?

[as he inspects their loot]

Bacon: We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.

Tom: What?

[Bacon holds up an unconscious man]

Tom: Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden!

Bacon: I think he's still alive - he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?

Eddie: I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!

Bacon: Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?

Eddie: I don't know! Use your imagination!

[Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain]

Tom: Don't touch him up! Knock him out!

Bacon: I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? *You* knock him out.

Eddie: I fucking hate traffic wardens.

[after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless]

Soap: Tom, what have you been eatin'?

Eddie: The Traffic Warden identified the neighbours' bodies. Which sort of puts us in the clear. The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns.

Bacon: And Tom took care of them.

Soap: You did take care of the shotguns?

Tom: I wanted to talk to you about that?

Bacon: Well, talk.

Tom: Well, actually no. I've got them sitting in the car. I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek, but I'm having a bit of trouble getting hold of him.

Bacon: You dippy bastard.

Eddie: So... the only thing connecting us with the case, is in the back of your car which is parked outside?

Tom: They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away. And they're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, are they?

Soap: Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for £700?

Eddie: Tom, you're a dick. Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.

Bacon: And throw yourself off while you're at it.

Soap: Now.

Soap: I don't think it's the right move.

Eddie: It's either that, the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily. I'm gonna phone him.

Bacon: As if he'll care.

Eddie: He'll care alright, that was supposed to be his money. Whether he cares about us or not is different.

Soap: [Looks through bag with £500,000 Eddy brought back] What is going on?

Bacon: I don't believe this. What the fuck has happened here?

Soap: Jesus.

[Looking through a window smashed during the shootout]