Skipper Quotes in Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (2008)

Skipper: [Looking at the blueprints for the plane] Very impressive, Kowalski. But will it fly?

Kowalski: Yes, if you fold it here, here, and here.

[Folds plans into paper plane and throws it]

Skipper: Nice.

[Bulb on the fuel guage is flashing]

Kowalski: Skipper, look.

Skipper: Analysis

Kowalski: It looks like a small incandescent bulb, designed to indicate something out of the ordinary, like a malfunction.

Skipper: I find it pretty and somewhat hypnotic.

Kowalski: That too, sir.

Skipper: Right. Rico, maunal!

[Catches the manual and smashes the bulb with it]

Skipper: Problemo solved.

Kowalski: Sir, we may be out of fuel.

Skipper: What makes you think that?

Kowalski: We've lost engine one, and engine two is no longer on fire.

Skipper: Buckle up, boys. Don't look, doll, this might get hairy.

[on the microphone]

Skipper: This is your captain speaking. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we will be landing immediately.

[everyone claps]

Skipper: The bad news is, we're crash landing.

[Plane goes on a dive]

Skipper: When it comes to air travel, we know that you have no choice whatsoever, but thanks again for choosing Air Penguin.

Kowalski: Only two passengers unaccounted for, Skipper.

Skipper: That's a number I can live with! Good landing, boys! Who says a penguin can't fly?

Skipper: [to Alex] You! Pretty boy! Why don't you and your friends dig a latrine, maybe find water.

Alex: Hold on, hold on a second. Who made you... king of the plane wreck?

Skipper: 'Scuse me?

[Rico pulls out and deploys a switchblade]

Skipper: Higher mammal! We shall require use of your opposibles!

[Phil curses in sign language]

Mason: Phil! I ought to wash your hands out with soap.

Skipper: Gently now, you just wanna kiss the ground, just a little peck, a smooch like you're kissing your sister.

[Plane violently lands and the tires break off]

Skipper: I said kiss it!

Alex: Slow down! You're gonna kill us! There's got to be another way! Pass it on!

[the monkey chain relays the message up to the plane]

Mason: Don't slow down. Kill us. It's the only way. Basset Hound!

Skipper: The best sacrifice is the one made by others.

[Nana shoots through the plane's windshield and blows off the bobblehead doll's head]

Skipper: Doll! MEDIC!

[Private gets out the duct tape]

Zuba: Love transcends all boundaries. We are here to celebrate such a love. Do you two take each other for better or worse?

Skipper: For better, please.

Skipper: Pray to your personal god this hunk of junk flies.

Skipper: Operation tourist trap is a go.

Private: Oh, I like that one, that's a good one.

Kowalski: It works on many levels, sir.

Skipper: You guys are a bunch of suck-ups.

Kowalski: That too, sir.

Private: Oh, absolutely, sir.

Alex: Hey! Happy Slappers! Is there any reason to celebrate? Look at the plane!

Skipper: We'll fix it.

Alex: Fix it? How you gonna fix this?

Skipper: Grit, spit

[Private spits]

Skipper: and a whole lotta duct tape.

[Rico pulls out a roll of duct tape]

Skipper: We should be up and running in say...

[Kowalski shows him an abacus]

Skipper: six to nine months.

Alex: Sixty-nine months?

Skipper: No, six *to* nine months.

Skipper: I'd like to kiss you, monkey man.

Mason: All right, but you're so darn ugly.

[Kisses Skipper]

Mason: The plane won't be fixed until the suits meet our demands. Now, about maternity leave.

Skipper: Maternity leave?

[glances under the table]

Skipper: You're all male...

Marty: Look, we need that plane for a rescue mission.

Skipper: Well, there's nothing I can do until we bust up this union.

Gloria: I'm gonna get to bustin' up all you if you don't get this plane going!

Skipper: Can't you see these commies have my hands tied, here? NO maternity leave!

Mason: [nudges Phil, who pulls out incriminating photos of Skipper and "Doll" in compromising positions] Maybe a certain someone wouldn't want *these* blowing around the savanna?

Skipper: [reluctantly] All right, you get your maternity leave.

Skipper: That has to be the second biggest slingshot I've ever seen, but I guess it'll have to do.

Skipper: We'll divide into three groups. Group Alpha, you're in charge of sheet metal fabrication. Group Bronson, you'll handle assembley. Group George Peppard, you'll handle craft services. Any questions?

Skipper: How's that, boys? Looks like ice cream sushi for breakfast!

Jonesy the Dog: Why should we even help them? They're not even circus.

Vitaly: That's Bolshevik!

Skipper: As much as I hate to admit it in American soil, the Ruskie's right.

Skipper: I say we let it ride, then we pick up the hippies and fly back in style.

Kowalski: Can we get an Airbus A380?

Skipper: Solid gold, baby!

Kowalski: Skipper, I'm afraid a solid gold plane would be too heavy to fly.

Skipper: Kowalski, we'll be rich. The rules of physics don't apply to us.

Skipper: [Having a pillow fight with the other penguins] You all pillow fight like little girls!

[Rico hits Skipper hard with a pillow, feathers fly out]

Skipper: Chimichanga! These pillows are stuffed with baby birds!

Skipper: You better know what you're doing. You're blowing away the Private's college fund.

Private: I'll never be President!

Alex: Skipper, what about the plane?

Skipper: Well, the chimps will work all through the night, no breaks, no safety restrictions...

[Chimps run off]

Skipper: Hey! Where are you going? Get back here, we have a contract!

Mason: Yes, well, I'm afraid the labour laws are slightly more lenient in France. You see, they only have to work 2 weeks in a year.

Skipper: Well, someone else has the Canadian work ethic!

Skipper: Grab your luggage and drain your bladders, it's gonna be a long trip.

Private: Hello! Are you my family?

[the three penguins turn, knowing that they're far away from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private]

Kowalski: You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.

Private: W-What?

[Skipper elbows Kowalski]

Kowalski: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.

Skipper: [hits Kowalski] No one's gonna die.

[to Private]

Skipper: You know what you got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is.

[salutes Private, who salutes back]

Skipper: [tussles Private's head] So adorable.

[to Kowalski]

Skipper: Kowalski, what's our trajectory?

Kowalski: Ninety-five percent certain we're still doomed.

Skipper: And the, uh... other five percent?

Kowalski: Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.

Skipper: I'll take that action.

Private: Where are going?

Skipper: The future, boys. The glorious future.

Classified: Remain calm, penguins. You're now under the protection of the North Wind.

Skipper: Private, dibble me.

[Private takes a dibble bag out of Rico's body, gives it to Skipper, then he jumps in front of Classified]

Skipper: We're not going anywhere with you.

[munches]

Skipper: We don't even know who the heck you are.

Classified: The North Wind is an elite undercover inter-spe...

[Skipper munches]

Classified: an elite undercover inter-species...

[Skipper munches again]

Classified: task for...

[Skipper munches again]

Classified: force...

[Skipper munches again]

Classified: dedicated to help...

[Skipper munches again]

Classified: to help...

[Skipper munches again]

Classified: dedicated to...

[Skipper munches again]

Classified: dedicated to helping animals who can't

[Skipper munches again]

Classified: help

[Skipper munches again]

Classified: themselves.

[Skipper munches again for the last time, then Classified growls]

Skipper: Debbie!

Kowalski: Dave.

Skipper: Dave!

Corporal: He hacked into our system.

[There's no sound onscreen as Dave speaks]

Eva: Where's the sound?

Kowalski: Dave, your microphone, it's not on.

Classified: Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.

Short Fuse: Every time a villain calls in, this happens.

Dave: Hello?

[the screen goes off]

Dave: Hello?

Kowalski: But, now we can hear you.

Short Fuse: So annoying!

Kowalski: But we cannot see.

Short Fuse: Every time!

Classified: It's like talking to my parents.

Skipper: Follow me, boys! We're going in hot!

Private: [as his butt goes on fire] Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Skipper: No one likes a show off, Private.

Skipper: Leopard seals! Nature's snakes.

Kowalski: Aren't snakes nature's snakes?

Skipper: How should I know? I live on a flippin' frozen tundra!

Skipper: Alright, you! Where's Dave?

[repeatedly slaps a baby squid]

Skipper: Give us the goods.

Kowalski: Sir, that's a baby squid.

[the baby squid starts crying, then Skipper puts the baby squid down]

Skipper: Sorry, laddie.

Skipper: You're up, Private.

[Private comes out behind a "Wet Floor" sign, dressed as a mermaid]

Skipper: You just mermaid my day.

Kowalski: Sir, how long do we stand here like this?

Skipper: Until we reach maximum coolness.

[Beat]

Skipper: There it is.

[They've arrived in Shanghai]

Kowalski: We've arrived in the center of Dublin, Ireland.

Skipper: We gotta blend in. River dance.

[They start river dancing]

Documentary Filmmaker: Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life. And not just any life: penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...

[as the older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski, they quickly move out of the way]

Skipper: Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?

Antarctic Penguin: Who cares?

Antarctic Penguin: I question nothing.

Antarctic Penguin: Me too.

Antarctic Penguin: Me too.

Skipper: Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.

[they flap their wings but cannot fly]

Kowalski: Skipper, we appears to be flightless.

Skipper: [looks at his wings] Oh, well what's the point of these?

[Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high five]

Skipper: Woah, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we going to call it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.

[the penguins have just blown up an old ship]

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis?

Kowalski: We are really... awesome at this!

Skipper: Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we could do our thing! High one!

[They all high five, until Skipper accidentally hits the egg they saved]

Skipper: Ooh. My bad.

[the penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch]

Skipper: Look! It's the miracle of birth.

Kowalski: A moment of extraordinary beauty.

[Suddenly, Private's egg explodes open, much to the disgust of the three penguins]

Skipper: Daaagh! That's disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!

[the Penguins are dressed as German folk musicians]

Skipper: We take this shame to our graves.

Kowalski: Agreed.

[slap dance starts]

Private: So... how do I look?

Kowalski: You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport.

Private: What?

[Skipper elbows Kowalski]

Kowalski: What?

Skipper: If there's anything we've learned from this delightful adventure, KOWALSKI, it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do that counts.

[overwhelmed with emotion]

Skipper: And look at what you did.

[the penguins from different countries look at Private, to his delight. Baby penguins pop out from behind parent penguins]

Skipper: Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.

[Private salutes Skipper, who salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well. Skipper does Private's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Private did the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for Private]

Skipper: Lost visuals. Kowalski! Be my eyes.

Classified: Just tell me everything you know.

Skipper: All right!

[Inaudible word]

Skipper: Never trust a Dutchman in a tulip fight.

Classified: [taking notes] Tulip fight...

Skipper: Canada is secretly training an army of Sasquatch.

Classified: Sasquatch...

Skipper: Hot dogs are, in fact, only 17% actual dog.

Classified: [exasperated] Not everything-everything! Everything regarding your abduction by Dr. Octavius Brine...

Skipper: Aaaah! Why didn't you say so?

Skipper: [after waking up from being tranquilized] What did North Wind do to us?

Private: [Turns around and shows the dart stuck in his back] They gave us badges!

Skipper: [Snatches the dart from his own shoulder] No, not badges... Tranquilizer darts!

[Looks around and realizes they're in a plane]

Skipper: Classified. That low-down, dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission!

Kowalski: He thinks we can't do anything because we're just

[makes quotation marks with his flippers]

Kowalski: "penguins".

Skipper: Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! They're US! And if anyone's going to save us, it's us.

Kowalski: But sir, we've got to be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options.

Skipper: I MAKE MY OWN OPTIONS.

[Punches the button closest to him, which opens the cargo hatch]

Skipper: [Dave drops from the ceiling in human disguise] Who are you?

Dave: The humans know me as Doctor Octavius Brine, renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives... but you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you hoped you'd never hear again. A PHANTOM! A shadow of a former life! I... AM...

[rips off disguise, but wig remains on his head]

Dave: Dave!

Skipper: [Whispers] Kowalski?

Kowalski: [Whispers back] Sorry, sir, no clue.

Dave: [Looks up, sees the wig on his head, and pulls it off] Dave!

Skipper: Dave?

Kowalski: Dave...?

Dave: Dave!

Private: [Smiles] Dave!

Dave: [Annoyed] DA-VUH!

Rico: [Rolls his eyes] Bleh.

Classified: What you, of course, could not know is that Dr. Brine's laboratory in Venice is secretly developing a doomsday weapon called: the Medusa Serum.

Skipper: Ah! But what *you* don't know is that Dirk...

Kowalski: Dave.

Skipper: Dave, wont be using his Bazooka Serum...

Kowalski: Medusa Serum.

Skipper: Medusa Serum on anybody!

Kowalski: *That* part is accurate.

Classified: Show 'em, Rico.

[Rico regurgitates the canister of Medusa Serum onto the table. Skipper stands triumpantly over it]

Classified: [shocked] You... you stole the Medusa Serum?

Skipper: Well, stole the serum. Saved the day. Did your job for you. Call it what you will.

Dave: [fixes the video connection] How about now?

Private: Hurray!

Classified: Yes! Way to go, looks fantastic!

Dave: Excellent! Now, where was I?

[laughs maniacally]

Kowalski: Dave!

Short Fuse: Grrrr!

Dave: Greetings, North Wind. I see you've met my old zoo-mates.

Skipper: We were never "mates." There was no mating.

Classified: Turn yourself in, David. You are powerless now that I have stolen your precious Medusa Serum.

Skipper: What? You didn't steal that!

Classified: It's over.

Dave: It's over?

[mock-confusion]

Dave: Then... why did I call you? Wierd. OH! Maybe it was to show you *this*!

[turns camera to reveal a large vat of Medusa Serum]

Kowalski: [collective gasp from everyone] That is a lot of serum for four penguins.

Dave: Oh, you thought this was just about you four? No, no-no-no-no. We're just getting started.

[takes a selfie]

Dave: Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go do some shopping... FOR REVENGE!

[hits button, buzzer sounds. hits button again, same result]

Dave: Wait. How do you...?

Squid: [gurgles instructions]

Dave: What do I push?

Squid: [points and gurgles]

Dave: Is it the red, or...

Squid 2: [points, gurgles, and slaps own head in frustration]

Dave: I thought it was... it's not this -

[screen goes black]

Dusty Crophopper: I'm afraid of heights.

Chug: But... you're a plane.

Dusty Crophopper: I'm a cropduster, I've never flown more than a thousand feet.

Skipper: Are you kidding? Scared of heights, and you want to race around the world?

Skipper: Let me ask you something, Dusty: if you knew the truth about my past, would you have asked me to train you?

[pause]

Dusty Crophopper: No.

Skipper: Say hello to the Warzone Windmill!

[clips Ripslinger's wingtip]

Ripslinger: [pinwheels] Hey, you crazy?

John Bourgignon: 'Scuse me, I'm looking for a guy named Skipper.

Skipper: I'm a guy named Skipper.

Skipper: Damian, take that tablecloth off, will you? It's all bloody. It looks terrible.

Skipper: [after giving Damian a long list of tasks to do] Damian, be a dear and get me a coffee.

Damian: [off-camera] I'm only ONE person.

Rosemary Woodhouse: Isn't Hutch coming with us?

Skipper: Catholics only, Miss. I'm afraid that we're bound by these prejudices.

Rosemary Woodhouse: I understand.