Sir Lancelot Quotes in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Sir Lancelot: Blue.

Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.

Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Sir Robin: That's easy.

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?

[pause]

Sir Robin: I don't know that.

[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]

Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.

Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?

Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Galahad: I seek the Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Galahad: Blue. No, yel...

[he is also thrown over the edge]

Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.

Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?

King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.

[he is thrown over]

Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.

Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?

King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]

King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?

Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.

Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...

Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.

Brother Maynard: Amen.

All: Amen.

King Arthur: Right. One... two... five!

Galahad: Three, sir.

King Arthur: Three!

Sir Lancelot: [Sir Galahad the Chaste is being seduced by an entire castle full of young women] We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.

Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.

Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.

Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.

Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.

Sir Lancelot: Am not.

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!

[trumpets play a fanfare as the camera cuts briefly to the sight of a majestic castle]

King Arthur: [in awe] Camelot!

Sir Galahad: [in awe] Camelot!

Sir Lancelot: [in awe] Camelot!

Patsy: [derisively] It's only a model!

King Arthur: Shh!

King Arthur: [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard?

Brother Maynard: It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "

King Arthur: What?

Brother Maynard: "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"

Sir Bedevere: What is that?

Brother Maynard: He must have died while carving it.

King Arthur: Oh come on!

Brother Maynard: Well, that's what it says.

King Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.

Sir Galahad: Maybe he was dictating it.

King Arthur: Oh shut up!

Sir Robin: Well does it say anything else?

Brother Maynard: No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".

[knights making groaning sounds]

Sir Bedevere: Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?

Sir Galahad: Where's that?

Sir Bedevere: France, I think.

Sir Lancelot: Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?

King Arthur: No that's Saint "Ives".

Sir Lancelot: Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!

[All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]

Sir Bedevere: Whooooouuuuaaa!

Sir Lancelot: No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.

Sir Bedevere: No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.

Sir Lancelot: Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"

Sir Bedevere: Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Sir Lancelot: [Bursts into the Prince's room and kneels before him after killing the guards] Oh, fair one, behold, I am you humble servant Sir Launcelot. I have come to take

[looks up and realizes that he is kneeling before an effeminate Prince, not a Princess]

Sir Lancelot: Oh, I'm terribly sorry!

Prince Herbert: You got my note!

Sir Lancelot: Uh, well, I got a note.

Prince Herbert: You've come to rescue me! I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone who

[Music swells]

King of Swamp Castle: Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!

[Music stops]

King of Swamp Castle: Who are you?

Prince Herbert: I'm your son!

King of Swamp Castle: No, not you!

Sir Lancelot: I am Sir Launcelot, sir.

Prince Herbert: He's come to rescue me, father!

Sir Lancelot: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

King of Swamp Castle: Did you kill all those guards?

Sir Lancelot: Um... oh, yes! Sorry.

King of Swamp Castle: They cost fifty pounds each!

Sir Lancelot: Well, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.

King of Swamp Castle: Well, I can understand that.

King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know.

Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.

King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.

Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?

Sir Lancelot: Sir Lancelot, at your service.

Teddy Roosevelt: Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States of America.

Sir Lancelot: I have no idea what that means.

[from trailer]

Sir Lancelot: You always put the monkey in charge?

Larry Daley: Oh, he's not in charge, we're just following him.

Sir Lancelot: That's what being in charge means.

Sir Lancelot: [to Arthur] Your 'traitor,' young Galahad, is fighting your battle quite shrewdly, Sire.

Sir Kay: He's fighting for his own kin.

Sir Galahad: Arthur's sword - the true Excalibur - will be at the Ram's Head Inn this noon, but I'll need help to recover it.

Sir Lancelot: No doubt you will, but you've come to the wrong place. Who here will believe you?

Sir Galahad: You will.

Sir Lancelot: I can get you safely beyond the walls. We'll use the secret passageway.

Sir Galahad: Is it guarded?

Sir Lancelot: Certainly - by me!