Sir Bedevere Quotes in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Sir Lancelot: Blue.

Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.

Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Sir Robin: That's easy.

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?

[pause]

Sir Robin: I don't know that.

[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]

Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.

Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?

Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Galahad: I seek the Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Galahad: Blue. No, yel...

[he is also thrown over the edge]

Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.

Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?

King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.

[he is thrown over]

Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.

Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?

King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?

Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!

Sir Bedevere: A newt?

Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.

Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!

Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.

Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?

Peasant 1: Burn them.

Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?

Peasant 1: More witches.

Peasant 2: Wood.

Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?

Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood?

Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?

Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.

Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?

Peasant 1: Oh yeah.

Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?

Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!

Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?

Peasant 1: Bread.

Peasant 2: Apples.

Peasant 3: Very small rocks.

Peasant 1: Cider.

Peasant 2: Gravy.

Peasant 3: Cherries.

Peasant 1: Mud.

Peasant 2: Churches.

Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!

King Arthur: A Duck.

Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...

Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.

Sir Bedevere: And therefore...

Peasant 2: ...A witch!

Sir Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

King Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

The Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!

Sir Bedevere: But you are dressed as one!

The Witch: *They* dressed me up like this!

Crowd: We didn't! We didn't...

The Witch: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.

Sir Bedevere: [lifts up her false nose] Well?

Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose.

Sir Bedevere: The nose?

Peasant 1: And the hat, but she is a witch!

Crowd: Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!

Sir Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?

Peasant 1: No!

Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!

Peasant 3: No!

Peasant 1: No!

Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!

Peasant 1: Yes!

Peasant 2: Yes!

Peasant 1: Yeah, a bit.

Peasant 3: A bit!

Peasant 1, Peasant 2: A bit!

Peasant 2: A bit!

Peasant 1: But she has got a wart!

Random Person in the crowd: [coughs]

King Arthur: [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard?

Brother Maynard: It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "

King Arthur: What?

Brother Maynard: "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"

Sir Bedevere: What is that?

Brother Maynard: He must have died while carving it.

King Arthur: Oh come on!

Brother Maynard: Well, that's what it says.

King Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.

Sir Galahad: Maybe he was dictating it.

King Arthur: Oh shut up!

Sir Robin: Well does it say anything else?

Brother Maynard: No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".

[knights making groaning sounds]

Sir Bedevere: Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?

Sir Galahad: Where's that?

Sir Bedevere: France, I think.

Sir Lancelot: Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?

King Arthur: No that's Saint "Ives".

Sir Lancelot: Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!

[All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]

Sir Bedevere: Whooooouuuuaaa!

Sir Lancelot: No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.

Sir Bedevere: No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.

Sir Lancelot: Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"

Sir Bedevere: Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

King Arthur: NI.

Sir Bedevere: NOU.

King Arthur: No, NI.

Sir Bedevere: NOU.

King Arthur: No No, NI... NI.

Sir Bedevere: No,No,No,No... NI.

[last lines]

King Arthur: [Arthur and Bedevere have found out that the Holy Grail is in Castle Augh, which is guarded by the frenchmen] We shall attack at once.

Sir Bedevere: Yes, my liege.

[an army of hundreds of soldiers appears]

King Arthur: [to Castle Augh] French persons, today the blood of many a brave knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till every one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those who God Himself has chosen!

[turns to army]

King Arthur: Charge!

[the army charges forward, but is stopped by the police and the historian's wife]

Historian's Wife: [points to Arthur] It's that one, I'm sure!

[the police arrest Arthur and Bedevere]

Policeman: [turns to cameraman] All right, sonny, that's enough, just take off.

[turns off camera]

Sir Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise - not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

King Arthur: What happens now?

Sir Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Galahad and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise but totally unarmed!

King Arthur: Who leaps out?

Sir Bedevere: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I... Leap out of the rabbit, and...

[Lancelot and Arthur put their heads in their hands]

Sir Bedevere: Um, look, if we built this large wooden badger...

[Arthur hits Bedevere on the head]