Sir Quotes in Bicentennial Man (1999)

Andrew Martin: May one, sir? Is now a good time?

'Ma'am' Martin: What? A good time for what?

Andrew Martin: Last night, Sir taught...

Sir: No, no, no, don't blame me Andrew. Just... go ahead.

Andrew Martin: Thank you sir

Andrew Martin: [Very fast] Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?" How do you make a hanky dance? Put a little boogie in it! What is a brunette between two blondes? A translator! Do you know why blind people don't like to sky-dive? It scares their dogs! A man with demensia is driving on the freeway. His wife calls him on the mobile phone and says "Sweetheart, I heard there's someone driving the wrong way on the freeway." He says "One? There's hundreds!" What's silent and smells like worms? Bird farts. It must have been an engineer who designed the human body. Who else would put a waste processing plant next to a recreation area? A woman goes into a doctor's office, and the doctor says "Do you mind if I numb your breasts?" "Not at all." *makes 'motor-boating' noise. "Num-num-num-num."

Andrew Martin: [Family chuckles] One did it sir!

Sir: Andrew, it was fine, but we might want to talk about appropriatness and um, and timing.

Andrew Martin: It's ten-fifteen sir.

[Family laughs hysterically]

[after Sir explains about sex]

Andrew Martin: It all sounds so very... messy.

Sir: That's... a fair point

[Teaching Andrew to tell jokes]

Sir: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Andrew Martin: One does not know, sir, possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other of the road, if it's a male chicken. Possibly a food source, or depending on the season it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.

Sir: To get to the other side.

Andrew Martin: To get to the other side. Ah, why is that funny?

Andrew Martin: Sir, is everything all right?

Sir: Umm. They've both gone now, Andrew. Well, things change, things always change. People move on. It's as it should be. But, what I realized today is that I'll never stop missing them.

Andrew Martin: Sir? One is still here.

Sir: And one is glad of that Andrew. Thank you.

'Miss' Grace Martin - Age 9: Oh, Aaaandreeeew! Could you come up?

Andrew Martin: [at the first floor, walks to her] Yes, miss?

'Miss' Grace Martin - Age 9: Andrew, would you please open the window?

Andrew Martin: One is glad to be of service.

[He opens the window]

Andrew Martin: [turns back to Grace] A lovely breeze!

'Miss' Grace Martin - Age 9: [with an arrogant gaze] Now jump.

Andrew Martin: [jumps, jumps, jumps, jumps]

'Miss' Grace Martin - Age 9: No! Out the window!

Andrew Martin: [thus jumps out of the window]

Sir: [yet playing chess with his wife] Did you hear something?

'Ma'am' Martin: An earthquake?

Sir: You gotta be tough, Chance. That's the only way to survive in this life.

Chance Marquis: Did it ever occur to you that maybe I already am tough?

Sir: What? No, that's not what I meant.

Chance Marquis: No, I didn't think so, but then why would you when you've spent your entire adult life being trained to discern that which is only directly in front of your face? So when you look at me, all you see is everything you aren't and would never want to be. You don't see strength, just cowardice - and, let's face it, a big fag. So, if you'll excuse me, I have a field of daisies to go frolic through.

Sir: The critics? No, I have nothing but compassion for them. How can I hate the crippled, the mentally deficient, and the dead?

[as a train is leaving a station]

Sir: Stop that train!

[the train stops at once]

[after the entire cast memorably puts forth excessive effort in trying to make a loud storm for a performance of King Laer]

Sir: WHERE... WAS... THE STORM?

Sir: Keep your teeth in!

Geoffrey: It's only when I'm nervous

Sir: You will be nervous. I guarantee it.

Sir: 227 Lears... 227 performances of King Lear and I can't remember the first line.

Sir: There are thousands of children all over this beloved land of ours, scavenging the larders for something sweet. If only they came to me, I could tell them of the one person in England who has an inexhaustible supply of chocolate. It is I who have to carry her on, dead, as Cordelia. It is I who have to lift her up in my arms. Thank Christ, I thought, for rationing. But no, she'd find sugar in a sand dune!

Norman: I had a friend...

Sir: Oh by Christ's sake! I'm sick of your friends. A motley crew they are: pathetic, lonely, despairing!

Norman: That's nice, isn't it?

Sir: I beg your pardon. Uncalled for! Count myself as your friend!

Norman: Never despairing!

Sir: I have apologized!

Norman: Never, NEVER despairing! Well perhaps, sometimes at night, or at Christmas, when you can't get a job in a pantomime! But not once inside the building! Never! Pathetic maybe, but not ungrateful. Too mindful of one's lot, as the saying goes. No duke is more privy t'is beauty, he is spring and summer! Here pain is bearable. And never lonely, not here. For he today, that sheds his blood with me... Soft no doubt, sensitive, that's my nature; easily hurt, that's a virtue. I'm not here for reasons of my own either. No-one could accuse me of base motive. I got what I want! I don't need anyone to know it. Inadequate? Yes! But never NEVER, despairing!

[Sir holds both the shotgun and Tyler by the hair]

Sir: People, please refrain from further stupidity. You're wasting my bullets.

[Sir shoots his pistol all over the ceiling of the cabin as the ticks crawl everywhere]

Sir: [Screaming] Stinkin' bugs!

[Sir and Jerry arrive at the cabin with the kids, surrounded by ticks outside]

Sir: Uh... What seems to be the problem over here?

Charles Danson: [Sir looks at the hallucinating Dee Dee] She was bitten by one of those bugs.

Jerry: Yeah.

Jerry: [Jerry chuckles] They bite like a son of a bitch.

[Sir threatens Mrs. Lambert and Charles Danson to give him the keys]

Sir: If I don't have the keys to the van in my hand, like, pronto. I'm going to feed you folks, one by one, to our hungry friends outside.

Jerry: [Jerry chuckles] Say, 'Yes, Sir. It's dinnertime!'

[Sir and Jerry chuckle together]

[Jerry attempts to go for the van surrounded by the ticks outside]

Jerry: [Jerry turns around to tell Sir at the cabin door] Help me, Sir. Don't make me do this.

Sir: [Sir kicks Jerry in the back, screaming] Get the van!

[Jerry see's all of the crop cash weed getting burned up in the field]

Jerry: Our weed! It's gettin' all burned up!

Sir: Forget about it!

Jerry: [Sir pulls Jerry as he screams] The weed! The weed!