Simon Foster Quotes in In the Loop (2009)

+1
Share
Pin
Like
Send
Share

Simon Foster Quotes:

  • Jamie MacDonald: Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.

    Simon Foster: What is this? Surround bollocking?

    Jamie MacDonald: Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg cunt. Now, I'm finished.

    Simon Foster: Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.

    Toby Wright: Oh, um... Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.

    Jamie MacDonald: Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased to meet you. Please sit down. Now, right, that's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.

    Toby Wright: What's Oxbridge about saying hello?

    Jamie MacDonald: Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole punch your face?

    Malcolm Tucker: Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them.

    Jamie MacDonald: Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids. Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. There's a cartoon of you in here as a walrus.

    Simon Foster: A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. Fuck, they've given me tusks.

    Jamie MacDonald: Wal-rus. You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus.

    Toby Wright: We called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would.

    Jamie MacDonald: What did you expect? They're builders! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No, no, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time. Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh? That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!

  • Malcolm Tucker: You concentrate on nothing! You stay detached, or else that's what I'll do to your retinas.

    Simon Foster: Can I go to bed now, please?

    Malcolm Tucker: Oh no. We're gonna stay here, and you are gonna rehearse saying nothing.

    Simon Foster: ...Am I being tortured?

  • Judy: I'll just leave you to your thoughts, OK?

    Simon Foster: I haven't got any thoughts. I'm just staring vacantly into space while a distant voice in the back of my head goes, "Oh, shit!" like a car alarm in the middle of the night.

  • Simon Foster: Judy and I thought I could row back on Question Time, tonight

    Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time tonight, you've been disinvited

    Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time!

    Judy: Why wasn't I told about this?

    Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I've just told you to fuck off twice yet you're still here?

    Judy: You should tell me about it as it's a scheduled media appearance by a member of this department and therefore it falls well within my purview!

    Malcolm Tucker: Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!

    Judy: Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!

    Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon] She's married? Poor bastard.

  • Karen Clarke: Has a decision already been made in principle to advocate invasion?

    Linton Barwick: I would refer you to the recent comments of our colleague from the UK, mister Simon Foster, in that regard.

    Karen Clarke: Yes, I think that mister Foster would have something to say to that.

    Simon Foster: I'm certainly hearing both sides. In England we have a saying for a situation such as this, which is that it's difficult difficult lemon difficult.

  • Malcolm Tucker: When you go to America, talk to Karen Clark at the State Department, yeah?

    Simon Foster: Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl.

    Malcolm Tucker: Keep away from Linton Barwick. He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand grenade as a fucking paper weight. That's a true story.

  • Simon Foster: [Answers knock at hotel room door] Come in. I just wasn't expecting to see you here. Well, not physically here. You're always in my heart.

    Malcolm Tucker: I'm here. I'm there. I'm fuckin' everywhere. I'm the eggman.

    Simon Foster: Have you come to insult me in a different time zone?

  • Toby Wright: [looking at George Washington monument] See that? Pull that out, America deflates.

    Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, it's very easy to mock. The closest you'll ever get to one of those is buying a fucking Toblerone. I'll wait in the car.

    Simon Foster: So what are we going back to, apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime?

    Toby Wright: Constituency surgery in Northamptonshire.

    Simon Foster: Oh, great. Meeting my constituents. It's like being Simon Cowell, only without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental".

  • Lt. Gen. George Miller: So you're not resigning?

    Karen Clarke: Are you still playing the hawk?

    Simon Foster: Well, in... in a way I'm playing a much cleverer game than that... I'm a fake hawk.

    Lt. Gen. George Miller: [pause] A what?

    Simon Foster: ...Fake hawk?

    Lt. Gen. George Miller: [pause] You're an idiot. Or are you a... fake idiot?

  • Linton Barwick: It's early days, my friends. All roads lead to Munich.

    [leaves]

    Malcolm Tucker: 'All roads lead to Munich... ' What the fuck does that mean?

    Simon Foster: Well, I think it means, uh... actually, no, no, I don't know what it means.

  • Simon Foster: That's not supposed to be out there...

    Malcolm Tucker: Well, it is out there, it's out there now, lurking like a big hairy rapist at a coach station. You know, if I could, I'd punch you into paralysis!

  • Simon Foster: Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act, like section one, paragraph one: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind and then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.

    Toby Wright: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?

    Simon Foster: No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your cock out and start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right, without actually being there in the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.

  • Malcolm Tucker: Right. Was it you?

    Simon Foster: No, it wasn't. No. What?

    Malcolm Tucker: You do know what I'm talking about, don't you?

    Simon Foster: No. And... And... whatever it was, I almost certainly didn't do it.

    Malcolm Tucker: Was it you, the baby from Eraserhead?

    Toby Wright: No, no.

    Malcolm Tucker: Then it must have been you, the woman from The Crying Game.

    Judy: It wasn't me.

  • Simon Foster: Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for a personal opinion.

    Malcolm Tucker: Why didn't you say? He asked you. Fuck, of course, that explains it. If he'd asked you to fucking black up, or to give him your PIN number or to shit yourself, would you have done that?

    Simon Foster: I would have blacked up, yes. It was radio, nobody would've known.

  • Malcolm Tucker: All right now, my lovely friends, the bottom line is...

    Michael Rodgers: Oh, God, I hate that phrase. "Bottom line." I mean, we're not in retailing.

    Malcolm Tucker: Sorry. Michael's quite right. I won't use that again. The bottom line is the President is going to the UN. This will be the vote to commence military intervention. And the Prime Minister has decided that we should join him. Rob, Innis, Little Bo Cock Jockey and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox, go back to your desks and prepare to start briefing now.

    Simon Foster: Michael, do you mind if we use your office?

    Michael Rodgers: What?

    Simon Foster: For a couple of minutes?

    Malcolm Tucker: Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line is, can you come out again?

  • Simon Foster: Okay, off you go.

    Toby Wright: What do you mean?

    Simon Foster: I've got this covered. Go and find the next thing. Talk to that Chad boy, the boy from "The Shining." He knows things.

    Toby Wright: Don't make me pump Chad.

    Simon Foster: No, I'm making you pump Chad. It'll be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

    Toby Wright: No, it won't. It'll be difficult-difficult-lemon-difficult. That is what it will be. Have a lovely afternoon. Stop a war for me.

  • Simon Foster: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Why didn't we nail the line?

    Judy: Simon, I did try to warn you...

    Simon Foster: Yes, you tried to warn me, but you didn't actually stop me, did you...

    Judy: Well I can't tackle you to the ground...

    Simon Foster: ...by shouting 'train' at somebody as they get hit by a train. You should go 'train! there's a fucking train!'

  • Simon Foster: So, this is all going to spin along from here. We're going to have a vote and go to war. We'll fight people, kill them. Our children will get killed. This is exactly the sort of thing that I didn't want to do when I went into politics. This is the opposite of what I wanted to be doing.

    Malcolm Tucker: That's why you have to stay in Government, to influence things. In here, you can influence things, you can delay things. Out there, you're just another fucking mouthy, fucking shouty mad fucker who people don't want to make eye contact with. Remember Mary? Remember what happened? She took a stand on health. Everybody decided that she was mental.

    Simon Foster: Because The Sun showed a picture of her with wide eyes and her head on a cow.

    Malcolm Tucker: Well I happened to find that a particularly powerful image. Look, the Prime Minister of this country, he's not a fucking Viking, is he? He doesn't drink blood. He doesn't go around biting tramps.

    Simon Foster: I know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking, Malcolm.

    Malcolm Tucker: Unlike me, he abhors physical violence.

    Simon Foster: Where is the intelligence, the hard evidence?

    Malcolm Tucker: We have got the fucking intelligence.

    Simon Foster: I haven't seen it.

    Malcolm Tucker: The intelligence we've got is so deep, so fucking hard, it'll fucking puncture your kidneys.

    Simon Foster: Where's it coming from?

    Malcolm Tucker: There is an informant. Ice Man.

    Simon Foster: Ice Man?

    Malcolm Tucker: I don't name them. Ice Man. Yeah. And the fact is, the stuff that he's given us is... I've seen it. It would make your blood run cold and clot and turn your insides into fucking black puddings. But certain box lickers are sitting on it, but you're going to see it, because the PM regards you as a key player in this now.

  • Simon Foster: I feel like we should have hookers, do you know what I mean? I mean in here... now.

    Limo Driver: Do you want girls?

    Simon Foster: No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. No, sorry. No hookers, it was just a joke. I hate hookers. Not in an aggressive way, but, no, thank you.

  • Karen Clarke: What's going on there, Simon?

    Simon Foster: It's... It's departmental business. It's about a wall.

    Karen Clarke: Oh, Gaza?

    Simon Foster: Uh-huh.

    Karen Clarke: I'm wondering where you were in committee, Simon. I called for back-up and you sat there like a dumb sack of shit. Only maybe worse, because, actually, on a molecular level, shit is probably fizzling with energy.

    Simon Foster: I have to say, Karen, I do have a clear strategy on this, which is I'm playing the long game.

    Karen Clarke: They've bounced us into a short game, and you just sat there like a... What do you call it in England? A wanker.

  • Toby Wright: What if our meeting has finished? What if Karen comes back and then we're still sitting here? It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it? We're going to look like groupies.

    Simon Foster: What if the meeting hasn't finished? And she comes back and we've disappeared?

    Toby Wright: Maybe I could call Judy? She could...

    Simon Foster: Please can we try and just do one thing without Judy? I think we've drawn long enough from that... teat.

  • Simon Foster: In the motorcade, can we get a car without Judy, please?

    Toby Wright: You want hookers? You like hooky fucky, sir?

  • Malcolm Tucker: You say nothing, okay? You stay detached. Otherwise that's what I'll do to your retinas.

    Simon Foster: Right, can I go to bed now, please?

    Malcolm Tucker: No, no, no, no. We are gonna stay here, and you are gonna rehearse saying nothing.

    Simon Foster: Am I being tortured?

Browse more character quotes from In the Loop (2009)

+1
Share
Pin
Like
Send
Share