Sid Waterman Quotes in Scoop (2006)

Sid Waterman: I don't need to work out. My anxiety acts as aerobics.

Sid Waterman: I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older I converted to narcissism

Sid Waterman: I was in the lounge, I heard you drowning, I finished my tea and scones and came immediately!

Sondra Pransky: You are a cynical crapehanger who always see the glass half-empty!

Sid Waterman: No, you're wrong. I see the glass half full, but of poison.

[repeated line]

Sid Waterman: I love you, really. With all due respect, you're a beautiful person. You're a credit to your race.

Sondra Pransky: I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to marry him someday.

Sid Waterman: You come from an orthodox family, would they accept a serial killer?

[last lines]

Sid Waterman: I'll show you a little trick now, and - and - and - I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I mean this sincerely, I say this with all due respect, you're a wonderful group, and a fantastic group of people, I love you, I - and I feel I'm coming back from you, you know, and - and you may be deceased but you should not be discouraged. Because, you know, uh, d-d-don't think of b-being dead as a handicap, you know what - when as I child I stuttered, but with stick-to-it-tiveness and perseverence, you know, you can never tell what can happen. Now I want you to take a card out, Alma, right, take any card you want, just pick...

Sid's Co-Passenger: Okay.

Sid Waterman: Pick it, fine, sweetheart, I love you sweetheart, it's fantastic.

Sondra Pransky: Look, I can't just go up to him and say, "Hi, how are you?" I mean, it would make him suspicious. So, you know - anything - he gets... put off or...

Sid Waterman: Drown!

Sondra Pransky: What?

Sid Waterman: Drown! Drown! I'll go get co-, I'll go get co...

Sondra Pransky: [shakes her head] Ach...

Sid Waterman: Listen to me! I'll go get coffee, you get a cramp. Go into the water, flounder around, you know...

Sondra Pransky: [sighs] Ahh...

Sid Waterman: Yes! Go ahead, sweetheart. That's, that's a great idea. He'll oblige to save you that way and if he doesn't, you know, then I'll notify your parents.

Sid Waterman: We need to put our heads together.

Sondra Pransky: If you put OUR heads together, you'll hear a hollow noise.

Sid Waterman: 16 blue ponies, 21 jetplanes, and 12 spinning midgets.

Sid Waterman: You're the daughter I never had.

Sondra Pransky: [touched] Oh, Sidney...

Sid Waterman: No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Cause I never wanted to have kids. I didn't because you have kids... what is it? You know you're nice to them... you bring them up... you suffer... y-you take care of them... and then they grow up and... and... and they accuse... uh... you of having Alzheimer's.

Sondra Pransky: Why don't you think about this as adding some excitement to your life?

Sid Waterman: Sweeheart, excitement in my life is dinner without heartburn after it.

[From trailer]

Sondra Pransky: This guy is a serial killer! He could just kill at any moment!

Sid Waterman: Yeah, I heard that part. That's when I knew I was gonna make other plans.

Sondra Pransky: How can we meet him?

Sid Waterman: You know, I don't know... They have a class system. He's an aristocrat and, you know, we're... we're commoners. In fact according to his system, we're... I think we're probably classified as scum.

Sid Waterman: You know not everything in the world is sinister... just practically everything.

Sid Waterman: This guy must be some lover if you're ready to drop the whole investigation! I must find out what breakfast cereal he eats...

Sondra Pransky: Dad, I need to talk to you. Right now.

[serious]

Sid Waterman: Right now, sweetie? I was just about to pull some quarters out of Mrs. Quincy's nose!

Sid Waterman: You're alone up there with a very, very dangerous man! That's two "very's"!

Sondra Pransky: Do you have a family?

Sid Waterman: I had a wife but sh... she dumped me if you can believe that.

Sondra Pransky: Somehow...

Sid Waterman: She thought I was immature and that I never grew up... I had a great rebuttal for her, I coulda nailed her, you know, but uh... I raised my hand, she would *not* call on me.

Sid Waterman: You may be deceased, but you should not be discouraged.

[From trailer]

Sid Waterman: The man is a liar and a murderer, and I say that with all due respect.

Sid Waterman: This guy is a serial-killer like I play for the New York Jets.

Sid Waterman: Not everything in this world is sinister... just practically everything.

Sondra Pransky: Ugh... the Indian food made me sick.

Sid Waterman: What? You barely touched your cobra salad, how can you be sick?

Sid Waterman: Actually, I bought my first Reubens with my poker winnings.

Garden Party Guest: [stunned] You bought a Rubens painting?

Sid Waterman: Oh, oh, no. Not a painting. A sandwich.

Sid Waterman: Did you accomplish anything besides a possible pregnancy?

Sondra Pransky: I'll tell you what I did see: his mother, Lady Eleanor, has short-cut, brunette hair.

Sid Waterman: [stuttering] Yeah, but not a hooker?

Sondra Pransky: [shocked pause] No, Sidney, she's not a hooker! I hardly think so. She's practically royalty. Christ, you amaze me sometimes. Your brain!

Sondra Pransky: [Peter told them he'd be out of town but then they spotted him across the street] I just can't believe he lied to me!

Sid Waterman: Maybe he's just doing something he's ashamed of, like maybe he belongs to these clubs where he dresses up as a crossdresser, or maybe he does folk dancing!

Sondra Pransky: Why would Peter kill a prostitute?

Sid Waterman: Because it looks bad on his resume!

Sid Waterman: Geez, if I ever catch that Joe Strombel, I'll kill him.

Sondra Pransky: He asked me to go dancing with him.

Sid Waterman: That's perfect strategy. You worm your way in like a rodent or a roach, and as the crumbs fall off the table, you collect them and we analyze them.

Sondra Pransky: [Speaking of Strombel] Look, the spirit appeared next to me. at first I thought he was one of your stooges.

Sid Waterman: I don't work with stooges. You know, because you gotta pay them health benefits.

Sid Waterman: You're a pretty girl. You know, I think you could probably get this guy to get interested in you.

Sondra Pransky: Oh, you're silly...

Sid Waterman: Yeah, particularly if he's got a twisted mind.

Sid Waterman: Oh yes, she can't swim. She sinks like a stone! It's a family trait, actually, lack of buoyancy. Her siblings suffer from it too.

Man: So what do you do, Mr. Spence?

Sid Waterman: Real estate.

[stutters, double take]

Sid Waterman: Uh, I mean, oil. I WAS in real estate, but now I'm in oil. I mean, now land is getting hard to come by... especially... outdoors.

Sid Waterman: I don't know what you've been smoking, but don't try to bring it through customs.

Sid Waterman: They'll take us to the Tower of London and behead us!

Sid Waterman: What about Indian food, do you like spicy food?

Sondra Pransky: No, no, it's OK, I don't have that much of an appetite.

Sid Waterman: But you will, when they bring out the prawns in hydrochloric acid...

Sondra Pransky: I think it's time that we show my story to a real journalist.

Sid Waterman: What do you mean, a real journalist?

Sondra Pransky: One that's living.

Sid Waterman: Do we have time for a card trick?

Sid's Co-Passenger: Yes!

Sid's Co-Passenger: [stands] I believe we have eternity.

Sid Waterman: I'm gonna start agitating your molecules.

Sid Waterman: It's a red sweater. It's kind of a red, tomato red, like a fire engine. A red, a rouge...

Housekeeper: I understand, sir. Red.

Desk Clerk: Peter Lyman. Yes, came in a few minutes ago.

Sid Waterman: What color bathing suit does he have on?

Sondra Pransky: Hey, what...?

Sid Waterman: I - do you want me clash with him?

[scoffs]

Sid Waterman: [at Peter Lyman's garden party] Should we hit the buffet table first, though? Because the stuff looks great.

Sondra Pransky: No, Dad! Remember, we wanted to look around.

Sid Waterman: Yes, of course, of course, blessed offspring.