Shrek Quotes in Shrek (2001)

[Shrek enters the tournament]

Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous!

Shrek: Well, that's not very nice.

[looks at Donkey]

Shrek: It's just a donkey.

Donkey: [looks at a hovel] Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?

Shrek: That, would be my home.

Donkey: Oh... and it is LOVELY! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.

Princess Fiona: Where are you going? The exit's over there!

Shrek: [going to save Donkey] Well, I have to save my ass.

Princess Fiona: [shocked] What kind of knight ARE you?

Shrek: One of a kind.

Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

Donkey: Example?

Shrek: Example... uh... ogres are like onions!

[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]

Donkey: They stink?

Shrek: Yes... No!

Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?

Shrek: No!

Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...

Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.

[walks off]

Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. CAKE! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!

Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes.

Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious!

Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.

Donkey: Parfait's may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!

Princess Fiona: The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!

Donkey: Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!

Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?

Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in SHORT supply.

[chortles]

Donkey: Yeah! Though there are those who think LITTLE of him!

[laughs]

Donkey: Hi, Princess!

Princess Fiona: It talks!

Shrek: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!

Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?

Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...

Donkey: You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

Shrek: Yeah, I know.

Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?

Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]

Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!

Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us!

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!

Shrek: By who?

Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

[Shrek is hit by an arrow]

Princess Fiona: Oh!... oh, this is all my fault...

Donkey: Why, what's wrong?

Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt!

Donkey: Shrek's hurt? Shrek's HURT? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!

Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay!

Donkey: You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?

Princess Fiona: [grabs Donkey] Donkey, calm down! If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.

Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!

Shrek: DONKEY!

Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!

[runs off]

Shrek: What're the flowers for?

Princess Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.

Shrek: Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up!

Princess Fiona: [hears a roar] You didn't slay the dragon?

Shrek: It's on my to-do list, now come on!

Princess Fiona: But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying! That's what all the other knights did!

Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!

[They pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims]

Princess Fiona: That's not the point...!

Donkey: You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!

Shrek: [hiding in the toilet] Go away!

Donkey: See? There you are, doing it again! Just like you did to Fiona! All she ever did was like you maybe, even love you!

Shrek: LOVE me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!

Donkey: She wasn't talking about you, okay? She was talking about... uh... somebody else.

Shrek: [comes out] She... wasn't... talking about me?

[arriving at Duloc]

Shrek: [observing a giant building] That must be Lord Farquaad's castle... Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

Shrek: Listen, little donkey, take a look at me! What am I?

Donkey: Ah... really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an OGRE! You know, "grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: [taken aback] Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Er... Shrek.

[as they approach Fiona's castle, Donkey smells the air]

Donkey: Whoa, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that, my mouth was open and everything!

Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead!

[sniffs]

Shrek: That's brimstone... we must be getting close.

Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelled, it wasn't no brim and it didn't come off no stone neither...

Shrek: Princess, I was SENT to rescue you by Lord Farquad, okay? HE's the one that wants to marry you.

Princess Fiona: Well, why didn't he come to rescue me?

Shrek: Good question! You can ask him that when we get there...

Princess Fiona: But I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre a-a-and his PET!

Donkey: Well, so much for noble steed!

Shrek: Look, Princess, you're not making my job any easier...

Princess Fiona: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You tell Lord "Far-Quad" that if he wants to rescue me PROPERLY, I'll be waiting for him right here!

[sits down]

Shrek: Hey! I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy!

Princess Fiona: You wouldn't dare...!

[Shrek carries her off]

Shrek: You coming, Donkey?

Donkey: Yeah, I'm right behind you.

Donkey: Shrek, remember when you said that ogres have layers?

Shrek: Oh, aye?

Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make: donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.

Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!

Donkey: You know what I mean.

Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?

Donkey: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!

Donkey: Shrek! Hold up, Shrek! You got to wait for the line!

Shrek: [about to burst into the cathedral] What are you talking about?

Donkey: The line, the line you gotta wait for: the priest's gonna say "Speak now or forever hold your piece", and you rush in and say "I object!"

Shrek: I don't have time for all that!

[runs forward]

Donkey: [stops Shrek] You love this woman, don't ya?

Shrek: Yes.

Donkey: Do you wanna hold her?

Shrek: Yes!

Donkey: Please her?

Shrek: YES!

Donkey: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little TENDERNESS! Chicks love that romantic crap!

Shrek: All right, cut it out! When does this guy say the line?

Donkey: ...We gotta check that out.

[Donkey keeps humming the "Duloc" song]

Shrek: All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Donkey: Sorry 'bout that.

[first lines]

[a fairytale book appears]

Shrek: [narrating] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss.

[tears out a page from the book and shuts it]

Shrek: [laughs] Like THAT's ever gonna happen! What a load of...

[flushes toilet and comes out]

Shrek: [to Donkey] WHY are you following me?

Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why.

[starts to sing]

Donkey: 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends...

Shrek: STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends!

Donkey: Wow! Only a TRUE friend would be that cruelly honest!

Shrek: Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is?

[Donkey jumps up and down, shouting out]

Donkey: Oh, I know! I know where he is!

Shrek: Does anyone ELSE know where to find him?

Donkey: Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me!

Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know, throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread? You know, the whole ogre trip.

Shrek: Oh, I know. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

Donkey: Uh... no, not really, no.

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

[he goes up to an information booth and pulls a lever. After some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop out and begin singing]

Clockwork Chorus: Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town / Here we have some rules, let us lay them down: / Don't make waves, stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place!

Clockwork Chorus: Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... FACE! / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place!

[the booth takes Donkey and Shrek's photo, showing them stunned]

Donkey: Wow. Let's do that again!

Shrek: [grabs Donkey] No! No, no no no. No.

Princess Fiona: [after Shrek and Donkey rescue her] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

Shrek: Uh, no...

Princess Fiona: Why not?

Shrek: I... have helmet hair.

Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.

Princess Fiona: But... how will you kiss me?

Shrek: [bangs his head] What? That wasn't in the job description!

The Donkey: Maybe it's a perk!

Princess Fiona: No, it's destiny! You must know how it goes! The Knight rescues the Princess, and then they share true love's first kiss...

The Donkey: With Shrek? Whoa, whoa, whoa... you think, you think that Shrek is your true love?

Princess Fiona: Well, yes!

[Shrek and Donkey look at each other and burst into laughter]

Princess Fiona: What is so funny?

Shrek: Let's just say, I'm not your type, all right?

[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp]

Villager 1: There's his lair... let's get him!

Villager 2: Do you know what that thing could do? It'll grind your bones for its bread!

Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin; they'll shave your liver; squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 1: [brandishes a torch at Shrek] BACK! Back, ya beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Shrek licks his fingers and puts out the torch]

Villager 1: Right.

[Shrek roars at the villagers, rendering them petrified for some time]

Shrek: [whispers] This is the part where you run away.

[the villagers scarper off]

Shrek: And stay out!

Donkey: Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp?

Shrek: OUR swamp?

Donkey: You know, when we're though rescuing the princess and all that...

Shrek: Donkey, there's no "we", no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.

Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out!

Shrek: [sarcastic] No! You think?

Donkey: Are you hiding something?

Shrek: Let it go, Donkey.

Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?

Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.

Donkey: Why won't you talk about it?

Shrek: Why do you WANT to talk about it?

Donkey: Then why are you blocking?

Shrek: I'm not blocking!

Donkey: Oh, yes you are!

Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you...

Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek?

Shrek: EVERYONE! All right?

[pause]

Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere!

Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete...

[Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky]

The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?

Shrek: That's the moon.

The Donkey: Oh, okay.

Donkey: [the bridge is swaying] Don't do that!

Shrek: Don't do what? Oh, you mean this?

[makes the bridge sway]

Donkey: Yes, that!

Shrek: Yes. Yes, do it. Okay.

[sways the bridge some more]

Donkey: No, Shrek!

[Shrek and Fiona are having dinner on the last day of their journey]

Princess Fiona: Mmmm... This is good... mmm... this is really good... what is it?

Shrek: A weed rat, cooked rotisserie style!

Princess Fiona: No kidding... Oh, this is delicious!

Shrek: Well, they're also great in stews. Now I don't mean to brag, but I make a MEAN weedrat stew!

[They both look over at the kingdom of Duloc]

Princess Fiona: I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night...

Shrek: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime... I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you: swamp toad soup, fish-eye tartar, you name it!

Princess Fiona: I'd like that...

[he sucks up a weedrat tail, and awkwardly laughs. She smiles back at him, and their eyes meet. In the background, a love ballad, "You Belong To Me," plays]

Shrek: Um... Princess?

Princess Fiona: Yes... Shrek?

Shrek: I... um... I was wondering... are you... um... are you going to eat that?

[he makes a gesture of frustration when she isn't looking. She places the weedrat in his hand, and they lean towards each other... ]

[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home]

Donkey: I guess you don't, uh... entertain much.

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: Y'know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...

[big awkward silence ensues]

Donkey: ...Can I stay with you?

Shrek: What?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be treated as a freak!... Well, maybe you do... but that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please! PLEASE!

[Shrek burps in front of Donkey and Fiona]

The Donkey: Shrek!

Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.

The Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess.

[Fiona burps louder]

Princess Fiona: Thanks.

The Donkey: [to Shrek] She's as nasty as you are.

Shrek: Back off!

Donkey: YOU back off!

Shrek: This is MY swamp!

Donkey: OUR swamp!

Shrek: Let go, Donkey!

Donkey: YOU let go!

Shrek: Stubborn jackass!

Donkey: Smelly ogre!

Shrek: ...Fine!

Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.

Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

Donkey: How do you know that?

Shrek: I read it in a book once.

Donkey: Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!

Shrek: So... what did Fiona say about me?

Donkey: Ah, what're you asking me for? Why don't you go and ask her!

Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time!

Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear! Where there's a will, there's a way. And I have a way.

[blows a whistle, and Dragon appears in the sky; an overjoyed Shrek grabs Donkey and cuddles him]

Donkey: All right, all right, that's enough. No one likes a kiss-ass.

[Fiona notices it's sunset]

Princess Fiona: [uneasy] Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

Shrek: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

Princess Fiona: But, there's... ROBBERS, in the woods!

Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good!

Shrek: Hey, come on, I'm scarier than anything we're gonna meet in this forest...

Princess Fiona: [in Shrek's face] Find me somewhere to make camp NOW!

[Shrek discovers the seven dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table]

Shrek: Oh, no no no no! Dead broad OFF the table!

Dwarf: Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!

Shrek: Huh?

[rushes over to his bed to find... ]

Big Bad Wolf: What?

Shrek: Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.

Donkey: Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

Shrek: Hold the phone.

Princess Fiona: Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case there's...

[points]

Princess Fiona: There's an arrow in your butt!

Shrek: What?

[looks at arrow]

Shrek: Oh, would you look at that?

Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right?

[Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre]

Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

Shrek: But you are beautiful.

Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending...

[Shrek and Fiona kiss]

Shrek: If I treat you so badly, then why did you come back, huh?

Donkey: Because that's what friends do, they FORGIVE EACH OTHER!

Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you - for stabbing me in the back!

Shrek: [to Donkey] I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, understand? NOBODY! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING *DONKEYS*!

Donkey: But... I thought...

Shrek: Yeah, well, you know what? You thought wrong.

Princess Fiona: You're an ogre...

Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?

Princess Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh... this is wrong. This is all wrong! It's not supposed to be an ogre!

Shrek: Donkey? What are you doing?

Donkey: [gathering branches] I would think YOU of all people would recognize a wall when you saw one!

Shrek: Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go AROUND my swamp, not through it!

Donkey: It is around your swamp! That's your half and this's mine!

Shrek: Oh, your half! Hmmm!

Donkey: Yes, MY half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head!

[Shrek rescues Fiona]

Princess Fiona: What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

Princess Fiona: [nods] Mmmh-hmm

Princess Fiona: I wanted to show you before...

[turns into an ogre]

Shrek: Well... er... THAT explains a lot.

Lord Farquaad: [revolted] It's disgusting!

[staring up at the starry night]

Shrek: [pointing at a constellation] ... and that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to spit over three wheat fields.

Donkey: Okay, I see it. Hey, Shrek, can you tell my future from these stars?

Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. That one is Bloodnok, the Flatulent. You can guess what HE's famous for...

Donkey: Okay, now I know you're making that up!

Shrek: [pointing] No! See, that's him, and this is the group of hunters running away from his stench.

Donkey: Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.

Shrek: You know, Donkey, things are more than what they seem, hmm?... Forget it.

[Shrek spots a lighted window in the Dragon's castle]

Shrek: Well, at least we know where the Princess is. But where's the...?

Donkey: DRAGON!

[runs away]

Donkey: Oh, now I really see what's going on...

Shrek: I don't know what you're talking about...

Donkey: Hey, I don't even wanna hear... Look, I'm an animal, I got instincts, and I know you two were diggin' on each other!

Shrek: Oh, you're crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Farqusad!

Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go in there and tell her you how you feel!

Shrek: Arrgh! There's nothing to tell! Even if I DID have... I'm not saying I am, 'cause I don't... she's a princess! And I'm...

Donkey: An ogre?

Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.

[walks away]

Donkey: Where're you going?

Shrek: To get... more firewood.

[Donkey looks askance at a full pile of firewood]

[arriving at the Dragon's castle]

Shrek: Sure, it's big enough... but look at the location!

[laughs]

Shrek: Okay, you two, head for the exit!

[Fiona and Donkey run, Shrek grabs a sword]

Shrek: I'll take care of the Dragon...

Donkey: [staring at the priest] Mother Fletcher, he already said it!

Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!

Captain of Guards: [to Shrek, after finding him and Donkey in the woods] You there! Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of Guards: [to both Shrek and Donkey] By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement - facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[the Captain looks behind him and notices that his soldiers have run away, leaving their spears behind. He does the same]

Lord Farquaad: [Shrek has barged into the tournament] Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named champion! Have at him!

[all the knights draw their weapons and converge on Shrek]

Shrek: Okay, now... can't we just settle this over a pint!

[holds up a friendly mug, to no avail]

Shrek: No? All right then! COME ON!

[He bursts one of the ale barrels]

Shrek: Um... Fiona?

Princess Fiona: Yes, Shrek?

Shrek: I... I love you.

Princess Fiona: Really?

Shrek: Really, really!

Princess Fiona: Mmmm... I love you too.

[they kiss. Thalonius writes "Awwww" on a cue card for the audience. Fiona floats up in the air and her enchantment breaks in a blaze of light... ]

[Monsieur Hood abducts Fiona]

Shrek: Hey, that's my princess! Go find your own!

Shrek: I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

[Blind Mouse is on Shrek's shoulder, sniffing]

Blind Mouse: I found some cheese.

[Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear]

Shrek: Ow!

Blind Mouse: Ugh! Awful stuff.

Shrek: Quick, tell a lie!

Pinocchio: What should I say?

Donkey: Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!"

Pinocchio: I'm wearing ladies underwear.

Pinocchio: [silence]

Shrek: Are you?

Pinocchio: I most certainly am not!

Pinocchio: [nose extends]

Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!

Pinocchio: I am not!

Pinocchio: [nose extends]

Puss-in-Boots: What kind?

Gingerbread Man: IT'S A THONG!

Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.

Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?

Puss-in-Boots: Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.

Shrek: Join the club. We got jackets.

King: Who on earth are they?

Queen: I think that's our little girl!

King: That's not little, that's a really big problem! Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?

Queen: Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look...

Shrek: Happy now? We came, we saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches!

Princess Fiona: But they're my parents!

Shrek: Hello, they locked you in a tower!

Princess Fiona: Hey, that was for my own...

King: Good! Now's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home.

Queen: Harold! We have to be...

Shrek: Quick, while they're not looking, we can make a run for it!

Princess Fiona: Shrek! Stop it! Everything is going to be...

King: A disaster! There's no way...

Princess Fiona: You can do this.

Shrek: But I really...

King: Really...

Queen: Really...

Shrek: Don't...

Princess Fiona: Want...

Queen: To...

Shrek: Be...

King: He-ere.

Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!

Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.

Puss-in-Boots: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.

Gingerbread Man: Shrek? Donkey?

Puss-in-Boots: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.

Receptionist: Look, she's not seeing any clients today. Okay?

Shrek: That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.

Receptionist: The union?

Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.

Receptionist: Oh, of course.

Shrek: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?

Receptionist: A little. We don't even have dental.

Shrek: They don't even have dental. Okay, we're gonna have a look around. And buddy, it would be better if the Fairy Godmother doesn't know about this. Know what I mean? Hmm?

Donkey: Hmm?

Shrek: Hmm?

Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh?

Shrek: Stop it.

Donkey: I don't wanna die! I don't wanna DIE! Oh, sweet sister mother of mercy! I'm melting! I'M MEEELTIIING!

Shrek: It's just the rain, Donkey.

[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mom and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table]

Queen: Harold!

Princess Fiona: Shrek!

Shrek: Fiona...

King: Fiona!

Princess Fiona: Mom!

Queen: Harold!

Donkey: [happily] Donkey!

Donkey: [singing] The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom...

[trails off]

Shrek: Bet my bottom?

Donkey: I'm coming Elizabeth!

[passes out]

Shrek: The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey? That's where we're going! FAR, FAR away!

Shrek: [about the trumpeters and messenger who gave Shrek and Fiona the invitation] How do you explain Sgt. Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

Shrek: [to Donkey] For five minutes, could you not be yourself? FOR FIVE MINUTES!

Donkey: Are we there yet?

Shrek: Yes.

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No!

Shrek: Oh, look! A little cat.

[Puss-in-boots brandishes his sword]

Donkey: Look out, Shrek, he got a piece!

[after Shrek, Donkey and Puss stumble upon a factory with multi-colored smokestacks]

Donkey: Oh, no! That's the old Keebler's place! Let's just walk away slowly.

Puss-in-Boots: That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She is the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom.

Shrek: So why don't we drop in for a spell? Ha, ha! Spell!

[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]

Princess Fiona: Oh, Dad...

Queen: Harold...

Pinocchio: Is he... oh...

[there's a "ribbit"]

Gingerbread Man: He croaked...

[Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]

Queen: ...Harold?

Princess Fiona: ...Dad?

King: [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...

Donkey: [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!

Shrek: Donkey!

King: No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing?

[Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]

Queen: Harold...

King: I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...

Queen: [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...

Shrek: That's it, Mongo! To the castle!

[Mongo heads to the giant cup on top of Farbucks Coffee]

Shrek: No, no, no, no! You great stupid pastry!

Donkey: [after turning back into a donkey] Aaaaaaw.

Shrek: Hey? You still look like a noble steed to me.

Shrek: A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm-I'm...

Maiden #1: Gorgeous!

Maiden #2: I'll say.

Shrek: Face it, Donkey. We're lost.

Donkey: We can't be lost. We followed the king's instructions to the letter. What did he say? Go to the deepest, darkest part of the forest.

Shrek: Aye.

Donkey: Go past the sinister-looking trees with the scary-looking branches.

Shrek: Uh-huh.

Donkey: And there's that bush that looks like Shirley Bassey.

Shrek: We passed that bush three times already!

Donkey: Well, I wasn't the one who refused to stop for directions.

Shrek: Donkey? you're a...

Donkey: A stallion, baby! I can whinny!

[whinnies]

Donkey: I can count!

[stomps his hoof]

Donkey: Look at me, Shrek! I'm trotting!

[Shrek steals two noblemen's clothes]

Shrek: Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.

Shrek: TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, mac?

Princess Fiona: They just want to give us their blessing.

Shrek: Oh, great! Now I need their blessing?

Princess Fiona: Well, if you want to be part of this family, yes.

Shrek: Who said I want to be part of this family?

Princess Fiona: Uh... you did? When you married me?

Shrek: Well, there's some fine print for ya.

Shrek: Puss, do you think you could get up there?

Puss-in-Boots: No prolema, boss - in one of my nine cat lives I was the great cat burglar Santiago de Compostela!

Fairy Godmother: We have to go. I have to do Charming's hair. You know, he's all high in the front and he can't reach the back. He always needs someone to take care of the back.

Prince Charming: Oh, thank you, Mother.

Donkey: [outside window] Mother?

Shrek: Uh... Mary! A talking horse!

Fairy Godmother: The ogre!

Blind Mouse: [muffled] Pardon me. Would you mind letting me go?

Shrek: What? Puss!

Puss-in-Boots: [spits Blind Mouse out] Sorry, boss.

[convincing Donkey to let Puss come with them]

Shrek: How many cats can wear boots? Honestly?...

Queen: So, Fiona. Tell us about where you live.

Princess Fiona: Well, Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey?

Shrek: Yes. It's in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies...

Donkey: What?

[laughs]

Donkey: I know you ain't talking about the swamp.

Shrek: Donkey!

King: An ogre from a swamp. How original.

Queen: I guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.

[both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon]

Shrek: It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?

King: Indeed! I just started eating.

Shrek: Hi. I'm here to see...

Receptionist: The Fairy Godmother? I'm sorry, she's not here right now.

Fairy Godmother: [on intercom] Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo! Now!

[trying to get Puss, Donkey accidentally kicks Shrek in the groin]

Donkey: Did I miss?

Shrek: No. You got them.

Princess Fiona: You're acting like a... a...

Shrek: Go on, say it.

Princess Fiona: Like an ogre!

Shrek: Well, guess what? Whether your parents like it or not, I *am* an ogre!

[roars at the dog to shut it up]

Shrek: And guess what, princess? That's not about to change.

Princess Fiona: I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.

[she leaves]

Donkey: That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre! Arrr!"

King: So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be...

Shrek: Ogres! Yes!

Queen: Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?

King: Oh, no, no. Of course not! That's assuming you don't eat your own young!

Princess Fiona: Dad!

Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who have been locked away in a tower!

Princess Fiona: Shrek, please!

King: I only did that because I love her!

Shrek: Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle!

Fairy Godmother: What in Grimm's name are you doing here?

Shrek: It seems that Fiona is not at all happy.

Fairy Godmother: Oh, and is there any question as to why that is? Let's explore that, shall we?

[looks over her bookshelf]

Fairy Godmother: Let's see... P-p-p-p-p, Princess. Cinderella... Handsome prince, lived happily ever after... oh, no ogres! Sleeping Beauty... handsome prince, no ogres. Thumbelina, no! Handsel and Gretel, no! The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman... no, no, no, no, NO! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after.

[upon arriving at Far Far Away]

Shrek: We are definitly not in the swamp anymore.

Shrek: Look out, princess. Here comes the new me.

[his pants fall down]

Donkey: First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes.

[the maidens gasp with delight]

Shrek: Aww, come one, Donkey, look at him, in his wee lil' boots! I mean, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly?

Shrek: Fiona's father paid you to do this?

Puss-in-Boots: The rich king? Sí.

Shrek: Do you still know the Muffin Man?

Gingerbread Man: Sure, he's down on Drury Lane. Why?

Shrek: Because we're going to need flour. Lots and lots of flour.

Queen: Harold!

Princess Fiona: Shrek!

Shrek: Fiona!

King: Fiona!

Princess Fiona: Mom!

Princess Fiona: Harold!

Donkey: Donkey!

Shrek: Fiona, I know everything about you, I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the i. I know that when you see a shooting star you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose, and you make a wish, I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes, you're afraid you're going to wake up back in that tower, But most importantly Fiona, I know that the reason that you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed, well, by me.

[last lines]

Shrek: You know, I always thought I'd rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.

Princess Fiona: You did.

Shrek: No. It was you who rescued me.

Shrek: Okay, I know you don't remember me but we're married, and at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks and this boy kept saying 'do the roar! do the roar!' Then I punched the cake that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole.

Shrek: There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest! Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious?

Shrek: [upon seeing the obese Puss] Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa...

[Puss gives a stinky look]

Shrek: fa... ncy!

Puss in Boots: Do I know you?

Shrek: Where's your hat? Where's your belt? Your wee little boots?

Puss in Boots: Boots? For a cat? Ha!

Shrek: But you're Puss in Boots.

Puss in Boots: Maybe once. But that is a name I have outgrown.

Shrek: That's not the only thing you've outgrown.

Puss in Boots: Hey! I may have let myself go a little since my retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase.

[a mouse runs up and drinks from Puss' bowl]

Puss in Boots: Eh. I'll get him later.

Rumpelstiltskin: You're not going to eat me?

Shrek: I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.

Shrek: Sorry, but this order's to go.

Cookie: But I haven't taken out his gibblets yet.

Shrek: Trust me, you don't want to eat this one.

Donkey: I go down smooth, but I come out fightin'!

[Shrek stormed out of the party and Fiona follows him outside]

Princess Fiona: Unbelievable!

Shrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers are...

Princess Fiona: I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I'm talking about you! Is this really how you want to remember the kids' first birthday?

Shrek: Oh great, so this is all my fault!

Princess Fiona: Yes! But, you know what? Let's talk about this after the party at home.

Shrek: You mean that roadside attraction we live in? STEP RIGHT UP! SEE THE DANCING OGRE! DON'T WORRY, HE WON'T BITE! I used to be an ogre. Now, I'm just a jolly green joke!

Princess Fiona: Okay okay, maybe you're not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that's not such a bad thing!

Shrek: Ah, I wouldn't expect you to understand. It's not like you're a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace.

Princess Fiona: And the other half locked away in a tower!

Shrek: [sigh] Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be. Back when the villagers were afraid of me and I can take a mudbath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it. Back when the world made sense!

Princess Fiona: You mean back before you rescued me from the dragon's keep?

Shrek: Exactly!

Princess Fiona: [looks at Shrek in shock] Shrek. You have three beautiful children. A wife who loves you. Friends who adore you. You have everything! Why is it that the only person who can't see that is you?

[Fiona goes back inside for the party]

Shrek: That's just great!

[walks away]

Donkey: Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.

Shrek: Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little mutant donkey dragon babies?

Donkey: I do?

Shrek: You saw what happened. She's going to think I'm crazy.

Donkey: I'm a daddy?

Butterpants: Do the roar!

Shrek: [unenthusiastically] Roar.

Butterpants: I don't like it.

Brogan: Welcome to the Resistance, brother.

Shrek: Resistance?

Brogan: We fight for justice, and for oppressed ogres everywhere!

[Holds his nose and blows, and his ears trumpet; the other ogres follow suit]

Shrek: I didn't know we could do that.

Shrek: [to Fiona; while disappearing since his "day" is almost over] You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again.

Shrek: I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happened?

Puss in Boots: Allow me to explain. When a man falls in love with a woman, he is overcome with powerful urges...

Shrek: I know how it happened! I just can't believe it.

Donkey: [to Puss] How does it happen?

Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you di'n't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's wack!

[Shrek gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]

Artie: Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!

[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]

Artie: Knock, knock. Hello! Hello!

[a holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]

Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-

[the holograph cuts off. Merlin comes out the front door and says]

Merlin: I knew I should have got that warranty.

Donkey: [Reading Sign] Wer-sestor-shiray? Sounds fancy!

Shrek: No, it's Worcestershire.

Donkey: Like the Sauce? Spicy!

Shrek: Good morning.

Princess Fiona: Good morning. Ooh, morning breath.

Shrek: Yeah. Isn't it wonderful?

Puss in Boots: If he were real, could I do this?

[Digs claws into Shrek's leg, Shrek tries to hold in his pain]

Shrek: Ah! Oww!

Donkey: Or this?

[Kicks Shrek's other leg, Shrek moans]

Shrek: If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.

Donkey: Now watch this!

Shrek: [Restrains Donkey and Puss] That's quite enough, boys!

Shrek: Excuse me; can you ladies tell me where to find...

Cheerleader: Ugh, totally ew-eth.

Cheerleader: Totally.

Artie: [convincing Merlin to help them get back to Far Far Away]

[weeping like a troubled teen]

Artie: It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble, 'cause there's a really bad man... and it's just so hard!

Merlin: Come on, take it easy!

Artie: No! I don't think you understand!

[collapses at Merlin's feet]

Artie: There's a mean person doing mean things to good people

Shrek: Oh, have a heart, old man

Artie: And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?

[collapses and sobs inaudibly]

Merlin: [awkwardly] Oh, ok... Um, I'll go and get my things

Artie: [stands up and clears his throat]

[to Shrek]

Artie: Piece of cake.

Donkey: What in the shestershire is this place?

Shrek: Well, my stomach's aching and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school.

Shrek: Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.

Artie: You know, Shrek, you're all right. You just need to do a little less yelling, and use more soap.

Shrek: Thanks, Artie.

Artie: The soap is because you stink. Really bad.

Shrek: Yeah, I got that.

Cheerleader: Ahem. This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly and she thought perchance thou would want to ask her to the homecoming dance or something.

Shrek: Excuse me?

Cheerleader: It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff.

Shrek: [to Charming] Those are some nice leotards, though

Prince Charming: Oh, thank you.

Shrek: Do they have those in men's sizes?

[audience laughs]

Shrek: [after the royal page comes into the bedroom just as he was about to kiss Fiona] Someone had better be dying.

[cuts to everyone in the King's bedroom]

King Harold: I'm dying...

Artie: And so, people, I hope you enjoy your stay in prison, while I rule the free world, baby!

Shrek: All right, don't overdo it.

Artie: I'm building my city, people, on rock 'n' roll!

Shrek: You just overdid it.

Shrek: Fiona, try to be reasonable. Have you seen a baby lately? All they do is eat and poop, and then they cry, and they cry when they poop, and poop when they cry. Now imagine an *ogre* baby. They extra cry, and they extra poop.

Shrek: And if he gives me any trouble, I can always use reason and persuasion.

[Lifts up left fist]

Shrek: Here's reason...

[Lifts up right fist]

Shrek: ... and here's persuasion.

Artie: Please don't eat me.

Crowd: Eat him! Eat him!...

Shrek: I'm not going to eat him.

Crowd: [Disappointed] Aww!

Donkey: They grow up so fast.

Shrek: Not fast enough.

Merlin: Now, look into the fire and tell me what you see.

Donkey: Ooh, charades! I see a chocolate waffle with cinnamon swirls.

Merlin: Okay, monster. Go for it.

[Shrek looks into the smoke, sees a baby carriage; tries to blow it away]

Shrek: Uh... I see a rainbow pony.

Shrek: [to Artie shortly after they crash the boat] We're headed back to Far Far Away whether you like it or not! And you're gonna be a father!

Artie: [Sounding confused] What?

Donkey: [to Shrek] You just said father!

Shrek: [to Artie] I said... king, you're gonna be king!

Artie: [Imitating Shrek] You're gonna be king!

[Reverts back to his normal voice]

Artie: Yeah, right!

Shrek: That's right, I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at whatever it is they are doing!

[last lines]

Shrek: [baby cries] I got it.

Shrek: If Artie trusts him, I trust him, even *if* his cloak doesn't completely cover his...

Lord Farquaad: [seizes a crown and puts it on] All this hocus pocus alters nothing! This marriage is binding and that makes me king. See? See? As for YOU, my wife, I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

Shrek: No! Actually, you won't!

[whistles. Farquaad does not notice the low growling of the dragon outside]

Lord Farquaad: What are you doing, you insolent beast? I'll see you drawn and quartered! I am king! I'll have order!

[the dragon breaks through the window and breathes fire at Farquaad, roasting him]