Sheriff of Nottingham Quotes in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

[the Sheriff has said he'll cut out Robin Hood's heart with a spoon]

Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Just a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public, and they love him for it?

[Scribe nods]

Sheriff of Nottingham: That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to a wench] You. My room. 10:30 tonight.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to another wench] You. 10:45... And bring a friend.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Locksley. I'll cut your heart out with a spoon.

Robin Hood: Then it begins.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Now I have heard that Robin Hood may still be alive. Either tell me where he may be hiding, or you wll all hanged and we will catch him anyway and do the same thing to him.

Will Scarlett: I'd love to kill him for you.

Wulf: Will, no!

Sheriff of Nottingham: So he is alive, then?

Will Scarlett: I'm not really sure.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Then why would I need you?

Will Scarlett: Because, my lord, if he is alive, I can get close to him. I'm one of his men. He would never suspect me.

Wulf: He knows you always hated him, traitor!

Sheriff of Nottingham, Will Scarlett: Shut up!

Will Scarlett: He's a trusting fool. He'll believe me. And if he doesn't, he'll kill me. Then you've lost nothing.

Sheriff of Nottingham: If you fail, I will personally remove your lying tongue.

Will Scarlett: And if I succeed, I get my freedom and the bounty on his head.

Sheriff of Nottingham: The lash, I think! Sorry about that. It'll make it more convincing.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [after he stabs Sir Guy of Gisborn] At least I didn't use a spoon.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Do you mind Locksley? We've just been married.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Who told you to cover up?

[the Sheriff is preparing to rape Marian to impregnate her, even as Robin and Azeem are trying to break down the door]

Sheriff of Nottingham: I can't do this with all that racket!

Sheriff of Nottingham: What a beautiful child. So young, so alive, so unaware of how precarious life can be. I had a very sad childhood, I'll tell you about it sometime. I never knew my parents; it's amazing I'm sane.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Marian, our union would allow these children to grow up as my allies. You understand... I cannot allow them to grow up as my enemies.

Marian: I have no choice.

Sheriff of Nottingham: That's true.

Mortianna: ...recruit the beasts that share our god.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Animals?

Mortianna: From the North.

Sheriff of Nottingham: You mean... CELTS. They drink the blood of their dead.

Mortianna: Yoke their strength.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Hired thugs... Ahh brilliant.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [Upon Robin's splitting his opponent's arrow] No! They are equal; have them shoot again!

Forester: You get yourself another archer. I can't beat a shot like that!

Friar Tuck: [the Sheriff has taken the only coin from the Poor Box, and Friar Tuck is furious] You thieving scoundrel!

Sheriff of Nottingham: Now, take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty.

Friar Tuck: Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose.

Friar Tuck: [shouts] Get out of my church! Out! Out! Out! Out!

[pushes the Sheriff out into the rain]

Friar Tuck: You want taxes? I'll give you taxes!

[begins assaulting the Sheriff]

Robin Hood: [in disguise] I'm gonna win that Golden Arrow, and then I'm goin' to present meself to Maid Marian.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Listen, Scissorbill. If you shoot half as well as you blabbermouth, you're better than Robin Hood.

Robin Hood: Robin Hood, he says? Wowee! I'm tip-top, alright, but I'm not as good as he is.

[Shoots a perfect bullseye]

[the Sheriff of Nottingham enters the castle singing]

Sheriff of Nottingham: He throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way / He calls for Mom and sucks his thumb and doesn't want to play / Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Worst!

[to Sir Hiss]

Sheriff of Nottingham: [speaking] Am I right?

Hiss: [chuckles] That's P.J. to a "T". Let me try, let me try.

[lowers his voice]

Hiss: [singing] Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Worst!

[sees an angry Prince John peeking behind a door, with a glass jug of wine in his hand, shrivels]

Hiss: The Fabulous, Marvelous, Merciful, Chivalrous.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, you've got it all wrong, Hiss. The Sniveling, Groveling, Measely, Weaseling.

Prince John: [shouts] Enough!

[throws the glass jug at the Sheriff, but it hits the wall and the wine rains down on him]

Sheriff of Nottingham: But, but Sire, it's a big hit. The whole village is singing it.

Prince John: Oh, they are, are they? Well, they'll be singing a different tune. Double the taxes! Triple the taxes!

[grabs Sir Hiss by the neck]

Prince John: Squeeze every last drop out of those insolent musical peasants.

Nutsy: [shouting] One o'clock and all's well!

Sheriff of Nottingham: [clock chimes three times] Nutsy, you better set your brain ahead two hours.

Nutsy: Right. Hey, Sheriff, does that there mean adding or subtracting?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, just forget everything.

Nutsy: Yes sir, yes sir.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Nutsy, how am I supposed to sleep with you yelling "all's well" all the time?

Prince John: Stop! Executioner, stop! Hold your axe!

Little John: [threatening him with a dagger] Okay, big shot, now tell him to untie my buddy, or I'll.

Prince John: Sheriff, release my buddy! I mean, release the prisoner!

Sheriff of Nottingham: Untie the prisoner?

Clucky: You heard what he said, bushel britches!

Prince John: Sheriff, I make the rules! And since I'm head man.

[to Little John]

Prince John: Not so hard, you mean thing.

[back to the Sheriff]

Prince John: Let him go, for heaven sakes! Let him go!

[the Sheriff and the vultures are building a scaffold to hang Friar Tuck]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, Trigger. Everything's rigged up and all set.

Trigger: Yep, it's one of the prettiest scaffolds you ever built, Sheriff.

Nutsy: Sheriff, don't you reckon you should give that trap door a test?

[pulls a lever and opens the trap door, allowing the Sheriff to fall in]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Criminently, now I know why your mama called you "Nutsy".

Sheriff of Nottingham: Wait a minute. Is the safety on Old Betsy?

Trigger: [tapping the side of the crossbow] You bet it is, Sheriff.

Sheriff of Nottingham: That's what I'm afraid of. You go first.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Criminently, Trigger! Point that peashooter the other way.

Trigger: Don't you worry none, Sheriff. The safety's on Old Betsy.

[Old Betsy goes off]

Sheriff of Nottingham: What in tarnation you tryin' to do, you birdbrain?

Trigger: Just doin' my duty, Sheriff.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, you and that itchy trigger finger of yours.

Sheriff of Nottingham: It smarts, don't it, Otto? But Prince John says if taxes should hurt.

Friar Tuck: [shouts] Now, see here, you evil, flint-hearted leech-!

Sheriff of Nottingham: Now, now, now, now! Save your sermin, preacher. It ain't Sunday, you know.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, greetings from your friendly neighborhood tax collector.

Otto: Oh, take it easy on me, Sheriff. What with this busted leg and all, I'm way behind on my work, Sheriff.

Sheriff of Nottingham: I know, Otto, but you're way behind on your taxes too.

Friar Tuck: Oh, have a heart, Sheriff. Can't you see he's laid up?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Howdy, Friar! Well, it looks like I dropped in just in time!

Father Saxton: What does that big-bellied bully want here?

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Otto as he's sitting down] Let me give you a hand with that leg.

[lifts up Otto's leg]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Upsie-daisy.

[farthings fall out of Otto's cast into the Sheriff's hand]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Bingo! Oh, what they won't think of next!

Sheriff of Nottingham: [Little John is secretly holding a dagger on Prince John and demanding Robin Hood's release] There's something funny going on around here.

Little John: [whispering] Now, P.J. tell my pal to kiss Maid Marian, or I've just found a new pincushion.

[the Sheriff goes behind the throne and sees Little John]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Why, you!

[tries to hit Little John with his sword, but misses. Little John lets go of Prince John and hits the Sheriff back]

Prince John: [shouts] Kill him! Don't stand there, kill him!

Sheriff of Nottingham: You're under arrest for high treason to the crown!

Sheriff of Nottingham: Robin! Still not dead?

Robin Hood: Not for want of trying. You look well, all things considered.

Sheriff of Nottingham: How was the Crusade?

Robin Hood: A disappointment. After all these years, look at us. I'm nothing but a former captain, and you're still the Sheriff.

Sheriff of Nottingham: No advancement. You see, I can read and write. Makes you suspect. Not a duke in twenty reads a word.

[to Sir Ranulf]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Correct, milord?

Sir Ranulf: Books are for clerks.

Sheriff of Nottingham: In my domain, never tell me. Always ASK.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Robin, you're still a free man. Let me have her and you can go.

Robin Hood: You know I can't do that.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, then, I shall have to hunt you down.

Robin Hood: Good hunting, Sheriff.

Sheriff of Nottingham: God help you, Robin.

Robin Hood: If He will.

[rides away]

Sir Ranulf: [recovering from a kick in the groin] So that's Robin Hood. He's a dead man.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes... but not just anyone's. He's mine. Can you get on your horse, Sir Ranulf?

Sir Ranulf: [impatient that Robin hasn't appeared] He'll never come.

Sheriff of Nottingham: I know him. He's a little bit in love with death. He flirts; he teases. I can wait.