Sheriff Quotes in Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016)

Jack Reacher: [handcuffed while being arrested] Two things are gonna happen in the next 90 seconds.

Sheriff: Excuse me?

Jack Reacher: First, that phone over there is gonna ring.

[Sheriff looks at pay-phone]

Jack Reacher: And second... You're gonna be wearing these cuffs on your way to prison.

Sheriff: [laughs] Well, that is one magnificent prophecy, Mr. Reacher.

[the phone starts ringing]

Sheriff: Who the hell are you?

Jack Reacher: The guy you didn't count on.

Sam Witwicky: Look, I can't be any clearer than how crystal clear I am being. It just stood up.

Sheriff: It just stood up? Wow. That's really neat. Okay, chiefie. Time to fill her up...

[hands Sam a container and a tissue]

Sheriff: And no drippy-drippy. What are you rolling? Whippets? Goof balls? A little wowie sauce with the boys?

Sam Witwicky: No, I'm not on any drugs!

Sheriff: What's these?

[shows Sam a bottle of pills]

Sheriff: Found it in your pocket. "Mojo". Is that what the kids are doing now, a little bit of Mojo...?

Sam Witwicky: Those are my dog's pain pills.

Ron Witwicky: You know, a Chihauhua. A little...

Sheriff: [annoyed] What was that?

Sam Witwicky: Hmm?

Sheriff: You eyeballing my piece, 50 Cent? You wanna go?

[leans over Sam]

Sheriff: Make something happen. Do it. 'Cause I promise you I will bust you up.

Sam Witwicky: [whispers] Are you on drugs?

Sheriff: Dwayne, you've gotta learn to kick ass if you wanna be a peacemaker.

Sheriff: [finding General Zod and Company standing on a dirt road, the Sheriff kicks in his car's lights and siren; to Duane] From the look of 'em, I'll bet ten dollars they're from Los Angeles.

[to the Kryptonians]

Sheriff: Hey, you hippies! Get your butts off the road!

General Zod: I like the glow that flashes red like our Krypton sun. But not this irritating noise. Make way.

Sheriff: You're nothing but a drifter who found a bag of mail.

Sheriff: Get off the road, fat boy, before you get run over.

[the two sheriffs go over paperwork after the gas station robbery]

Sheriff: They were driving a 1996 Yukon.

Sheriff Officer #1: License?

Sheriff: You know, if I had a license number, Bart, I wouldn't be standing here eating large quantities of shit, now would I?

Sheriff Officer #1: [Sees a wanted poster of Charlie and Rig] Highway shooters?

Sheriff: One black, one white. You tell me.

Sheriff: You took the money. Didn't you son?

Tom: Yeah I hid it in the cemetery.

Wayne Bryce: Why you do that?

Tom: I don't like to carry around that much cash, ya know?

Sheriff: For twenty years, I've been eatin' shit; breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So now I'm changing the menu. From here on, everything I eat is gonna be shit-free.

Sheriff: Who is this clown?

Albert Graves: He's a private detective working for us.

Lew Harper: Yeah, I used to be a sheriff 'til I passed my literacy test.

Elaine Sampson: Are you going to rescue my Ralph for me?

Albert Graves: Oh, now Elaine, I don't want you to worry.

Elaine Sampson: How can I worry with men like you on the job?

Sheriff: Now there's a pretty brave woman.

Lew Harper: Yeah, gutty as hell.

Polk: Listen to me, whether you want to hear it or not. You weren't even born when this happened. Do yourself a favor & listen to the story.

[reaches for his mug]

Polk: I'm going to tell you about the time when the children were kidnapped; there were 10 children all together.

[takes a drink]

Sheriff: [still not looking away from D] Yeah, I heard about that time.

Polk: [setting his mug down & returning to his repairs] Kidnappers turned out to be vampires; of course. And so the townspeople pooled their money to hire a vampire hunter. They wanted the best.

[beat]

Polk: And when the hunter came, he was a very strong & quiet man; & he did his job too, which was to return the children safely back into their parents homes. It wasn't easy, but many vampires died by his hands before this job was over with. And when it was over, & the children were back home, the people attacked the man. They said he was a Dunpeal, half vampire, himself.

[sounding upset at what they did]

Polk: So they punished him.

Sheriff: [looks at Polk out of the corner of his eye] Can't say I blame them for doing that.

[looks back at D; the same tone of disgust as when he spoke to D before]

Sheriff: You can't trust 'em! That's all that's about.

[resolve now stronger]

Sheriff: You're right about that part, Polk

Polk: [sets his tools down,even more upset that this story had no effect] He did the Job.

[reaches down to the side of his desk]

Polk: I see then I'll have to take matters

[pulling up a large gun]

Polk: into my own hands. Let him go!

[points the gun right at the Sheriff's head]

William 'Steamboat Bill' Canfield Sr.: Talk to him, Sheriff.

Sheriff: [to Bill Jr] After all the bum is your father.

Sheriff: [to Buck] Doing that time in there didn't do a damn thing for you, did it? You were an asshole then and you're a 'bigger' asshole now!

Sheriff: This is horrible. We need to call the National Guard.

Deputy: But... this is Canada. We don't have a National Guard. What are we gonna do?

Bear: How would you like to have this pig right up your ass?

Sheriff: Pig up the ass... Two Hundred Fifty dollars!

Sheriff: I heard there was a meeting back here. Who are you scheming with now?

Herny Coville: Calvin Coolidge come up lookin' for some decent Canadian whiskey.

Sheriff: That's the problem with you fancy-assed Indians and over-the-hill outlaws - you don't know how to show proper respect for a white man.

Sheriff: It was pretty dumb to risk your life for a couple of horses, don't you think?

Stranger: The horses are mine. It was a question of principle.

Sheriff: Well, that principle seems to have cost you a bit of your hide.

Sheriff: You folks are from Hawaii and you came to L.A. on your honeymoon?

Herschel: Yeah. One day we just got sick of living in paradise.

[to a bounty hunter who signs his receipt with an "X"]

Sheriff: When are you gonna learn writin'? You might not look smarter, but you'll feel smarter.

Wes: Sheriff!

Sheriff: Yessir.

[indicates a wanted poster depicting hooded bandits]

Wes: Who are they?

Sheriff: Not much to know about them 'cept for their hoods. They've been robbing banks all across the state of Texas since the war.

Wes: Well, they hit Twin Forks a couple days back.

Jack: Yeah, Sam Sheppard's dead, Ben.

Wes: They killed him and his whole posse.

Sheriff: [grimacing] Damn! They're good.

Wes: I figure if they ain't here yet, they're comin'.

Sheriff: You boys got any good news for me?

Billy: Well, hell, Sheriff - we're here!

Chunk: Hello, Sheriff's Office? I'd like to report a murder!

Sheriff: Hold on, hold on a minute. Is that you again, Lawrence?

Chunk: Listen, Sheriff, I know I've jerked you around before, but this is for real now. I'm in the Fratellis' basement, with this guy...

Sloth: Rocky Road? Heh Heh!

Sheriff: Yeah, like that time you told me about the fifty Iranian terrorists who took over all the Sizzler steakhouses in the city?

Chunk: Sloth, get back here! Sloth!

Sheriff: Just like that last prank about all those little creatures that multiply when you throw water on them?

[as Chunk follows Sloth, the phone cord rips out of the wall. The Sheriff hears a dial tone]

Sheriff: Lawrence?

Mattie Ross: Who's the best marshal?

Sheriff: Hmm, I'd have to think on that. Bill Waters is the best tracker. He's part Comanche; it is a pure joy to watch him cut for sign. The meanest is Rooster Cogburn; a pitiless man, double tough.Fear don't enter into his thinking. I'd have to say the fairest is L.T. Quinn; he always brings in his prisoners alive. Now, he might let one slip by evry now and then, but...

Mattie Ross: Where would I find this Rooster?

Sheriff: Whatcha think we oughta do with them?

Cat Man: I don't never know. But I don't think they'll make the parish line.

Mattie Ross: Who's the best marshal they have?

Sheriff: Bill Waters is the best tracker. The meanest one is Rooster Cogburn, a pitiless man, double tough, fear don't enter into his thinking. I'd have to say L.T. Quinn is the straightest, he brings his prisoners in alive.

Mattie Ross: Where would I find this Rooster?

Sheriff: He'll be at the federal court this afternoon, he's bringing in a load of prisoners from the territories.

Sheriff: Hey, partner.

Sheriff: Hold on there, just a second.

Sheriff: Where are you headed, there?

Sheriff: Where are you headed up to?

Sheriff: How are you doing there, bud?

Sheriff: Huh? Are you okay?

Sheriff: Where are you headed?

Sheriff: You headed down the road, there, huh?

Sheriff: (grunts)

Sheriff: Huh?

Sheriff: Where are you coming from?

Woody Grant: Yeah?

Sheriff: All right, listen up, people!

Mr. Ryan: What's up, Sheriff?

Sheriff: I got a call from Porterville there is a big storm heading this way, you folks better go home. Smiley, you start putting up the store.

Sheriff: Okay, now explain to me one more time how the rental car caught fire and exploded.

Oscar Madison: He called me a shithead and punched the car, it went rolling down a cliff.

Sheriff: Why did you punch the car?

Felix Ungar: Because the shithead threw the directions out the window and left my suitcase at the rental car agency.

Sheriff: Why did you throw the directions out the window?

Oscar Madison: Because they caught fire from my cigar ashes and were burning on my crotch!

Felix Ungar: The first time he's been hot down there for years.

Oscar Madison: I just wanted you to know what it felt like down there...

Sheriff: OK, boys, settle down. You two don't get along too well, do you?

Oscar Madison: Oh, that's not true. There was a period of 17 years that was wonderful. Then unfortunately we saw each other again.

Sheriff: And who did you say was getting married?

Felix Ungar: My daughter and his son.

[the Sheriff and all the deputies have to swallow a laugh]

Sheriff: Why did you take his toupee?

Felix Ungar: We didn't! A truck whizzed by and blew it off, huh?

Oscar Madison: Yeah. I tried to get it back. A bird sat on it, I shooed him, and he flew away with the hairpiece.

Sheriff: You shot him? You had a gun?

Oscar Madison: No, no, not shot him, I shooed him. "Shoo, shoo!" Then a hunter shot him, the bird fell on top of the car, and the hairpiece fell on the windshield. I hope there's not gonna be a trial, because I'd hate to repeat that story in court.

Sheriff: I hope you won't be offended by my saying I hope to God I never see either of you two again.

Sheriff: So the man is dead, and you have his wallet, riding in an antique car that's worth over $150,000. How do you think this looks?

Oscar Madison: To you it looks terrible. My mother, she wouldn't be all that upset.

[the Sheriff has sent Oscar and Felix away for the third and final time]

Sheriff: Andy, if those guys commit a triple-murder or rob a bank, just let them go.

[Felix and Oscar are arrested and having to sit before the sheriff a second time around]

Sheriff: So the man is dead, and you have his wallet, riding in an antique car that's worth over $150,000. How do you think this looks?

Oscar Madison: To you it looks terrible. My mother, she wouldn't be all that upset.

Felix Ungar: Look, we didn't murder him and we didn't rob him. Now, you believed us before, so why don't you believe us now?

Sheriff: Because I didn't expect the two of you to keep bouncing back in here like a beachball.

Sheriff: [to Felix and Oscar about to leave from having been released on their second arrest] If I see you two back in here under arrest again, then I seriously will charge you with disturbing the law!

Felix Ungar: Don't you mean "disturbing the peace"?

Sheriff: No, it's only the law you're disturbing.

[Felix and Oscar have just been arrested and are having to face the sheriff for a third time, who is horrified about the circumstance]

Felix Ungar: So, do you even want to talk about it?

Sheriff: No.

Felix Ungar: Ever?

Sheriff: What's the point? It seems like no matter what I say, you two still end up in here.

Oscar Madison: [looking over at the sheriff's deputy] Would it be possible to get the results of a race at Santa Anita? I got a trifecta going.

Sheriff's Deputy: A what?

Oscar Madison: A trifecta. It is where you pick the three winning horses in order from start to finish.

Felix Ungar: You are unbelievable. We have a wedding we cannot get to, and all he's got in his mind is a trifecta.

Sheriff: I'll tell you who won.

Oscar Madison: You know?

Sheriff: Yes! I won. Don't you see? You're my trifecta. The same two men have been arrested three different times and all three times by my men. Do you know what the odds are of that happening?

Oscar Madison: I would say roughly 12 million to one.

Sheriff: And what would it be if it were to happen in a little town called Santa Menandez, California?

Oscar Madison: It would be in the trillions. No bookie could handle it.

Aimo: My wife's hairdryer was stolen from the bathroom.

Sheriff: Who'd want an old piece of rubbish like that?

Aimo: It's cutting-edge technology in Russia.

Sheriff: Mater! What did I tell you about talking to the accused?

Mater: To not to.

[tractors have stampeded the town]

Sheriff: MATER!

Mater: I wasn't tractor-tippin'!

Sheriff: Then where'd all these gol-darn tractors come from?

Doc Hudson: Sheriff, why don't you get yourself a quart of oil at Flo's? I'll keep an eye on him.

Sheriff: Well, thanks, Doc! I've been feeling a quart low.

Sheriff: All rise! The honorable Doc Hudson presiding!

[Ramone lifts himself up ten feet in the air]

Luigi: Show-off.

Lightning McQueen: Officer, talk to me, babe. How long is this gonna take? I gotta get to California, pronto.

Sheriff: Where's your lawyer?

Lightning McQueen: I don't know. Tahiti, maybe? He's got a time share there.

Sheriff: When the defendant has no lawyer, the court will assign one to him. Hey, anyone wants to be his lawyer?

[Everyone backs up except Mater]

Mater: Shoot, I'll do it, Sheriff!

Lightning McQueen: [Bursts into Doc's clinic] Hey, have you seen the Sheriff?

[Sees Sheriff on the hydraulic lift, his undercarriage exposed]

Lightning McQueen: Oh! Oh, my gosh!

Doc Hudson: What are you doin'?

Sheriff: Get a good peek, city boy?

Lightning McQueen: I-I just needed my daily gas ration from the Sheriff.

Doc Hudson: Well, wait for him at Flo's. Now, get out of here.

Lightning McQueen: I've been trying to get out of here for three days!

Sheriff: Hope you enjoyed the show!

Sheriff: May Doc have mercy on your soul.

Ramone: Oh, dude... are you crying?

Sheriff: No! I'm happy! I don't have to watch him every second of the day anymore! I'm glad he's gone!

Lightning McQueen: [Sheriff is following him] Oh, no. Oh, maybe he can help me!

[Loud bangs are heard]

Lightning McQueen: He's shooting at me! Why is he shooting at me?

[the bangs are actually Sheriff's tailpipe backfiring]

Sheriff: I haven't gone this fast in years. I'm gonna blow a gasket or somethin'.

Sheriff: Why do you go hanging out with guys, you being a girl yourself? Why do you go around kissing every girl?

Brandon: I... don't see what this has to do with what had happened.

Sheriff: I'm asking you all these so that when I speak to the jury, they're going to want some answers, so I have to know exactly what is going on. Now, are you going to answer my question or not?

Brandon: I... have a sexual identity crisis.

Sheriff: You have a what?

Brandon: I have a sexual identity crisis.

[while visiting America, Parnell gives some money to a poor family]

Poor man: It's little wonder why they call him the King of Ireland.

Sheriff: The *uncrowned* King.

Poor woman: He'll get his crown in heaven.

Gail Hailstorm: Isn't Cindy Campbell's father a suspect?

Sheriff: That is classified information, where did you get this?

Gail Hailstorm: Sorry, but my information is strictly confidential shit.

[Doofy steps out]

Deputy Doofy: Hi Gail... Gail swallows.

Deputy Doofy: I go poopie.

Sheriff: Did you just say you went "poopie"?

Deputy Doofy: Yeah, it was good.

Sheriff: How are you today Cindy?

Cindy Campbell: Good, officer, how are you?

Sheriff: Bloated, constipated, got a boil on my ass the size of a walnut - you know, the usual.

Sheriff: [Talking to Tucker and Dale, after he's pulled them over] Where are you two headed?

Tucker: We're headed to our vacation home up by Morris Lake. I sank every penny I had into it... me and Dale here, we're gonna' go fix her up, then do a little fishin'. He's been strikin' out by the ladies, I figure a little *man* time might do him some good.

Sheriff: [Gives them a hard look] There ain't nothin' up there but pain and suffering on a scale you can't even imagine.

[Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob]

Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son. That's the ape.

Whillenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go.

Whillenholly: [Jay and Silent Bob are hiding in the diner] They've got a monkey in there?

Sheriff: An ape.

Whillenholly: What?

Sheriff: An orangutan's a member of the great ape family, it's not a monkey.

Whillenholly: Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here, me or you? That's what I thought.

Whillenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.

Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.

Sheriff: The hell with this. Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk.

Sheriff: [about Whillenholly] Fuck this asshole. Let's go back to the station house and cornhole us a drunk

Sheriff: Best I can figure, they were trying to fly through that barn, upside down.

[first lines]

Adult Walter: [answering the phone] Hello?

Sheriff: Walter?

Adult Walter: Yes.

Sheriff: This is Sheriff Brady. I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. It's about your uncles.

Sheriff: Do you smoke?

[offering a cigarette]

Elvira: Guess we'll find out soon enough.

Sheriff: Get your asses out here on the double!

Sheriff: [Repeated line] Shut up, Otis!

Sheriff: Not this time, boy. I'm in charge of my charges.

Brewster Baker: I want those kids, Sheriff.

Sheriff: I just bet you do.

T.V. Commentator: [running to pit road, with microphone in hand and camera crew in tow] On my way to Baker's car. Be there in a minute.

Sheriff: Well, I got an arrest warrant from the state of Texas, and extradition papers from the state of Georgia.

T.V. Commentator: Pardon me, officer. Brewster, what made you take that wrong turn?

Brewster Baker: Chris, I don't think I took a wrong turn. I'll tell ya, this sheriff here is from the same hometown as my six pack, and he's driven all the way from Texas to arrest these six hardened criminals.

T.V. Commentator: How 'bout a comment, Sheriff?

Sheriff: I'm a Texas law officer. I don't have to talk in front of no damn camera.

Brewster Baker: [to Chris] Ask one of the kids. They'll tell you what's going on.

T.V. Commentator: That sounds like a great story. How 'bout some comments, Sheriff?

Sheriff: [talking softly to Brewster] Look, can't we talk about this in private somewhere?

Brewster Baker: Well, there's no need to do that Sheriff. We are on network TV, but there's a good chance that the Governor of Texas, and the good people who elected you to office, are watching. Now's your chance to explain to them why you came here to arrest these six little kids.

Sheriff: Well, we didn't come here to arrest them, exactly.

Otis: Can I say 'howdy' to the folks back home?

Sheriff: Shut up Otis!

Brewster Baker: What did you come for?

Sheriff: We came to... check on 'em. Yeah.

Brewster Baker: To check on 'em?

Sheriff: Yeah.

[to Chris]

Sheriff: See, these children are orphans, and we have to make sure they have proper supervision. Well, I can see they're getting that.

[looking into camera, tipping his cowboy hat]

Sheriff: So I am very proud to report to the good people of the great State of Texas that these children are in the capable hands of...

[mumbling]

Sheriff: Mr. Brewster Baker.

Little Harry: [with Brewster holding him in his arms, flips down the Sheriff's hat] No shit Dick Tracy.

Sheriff: Bobby, take these forms back to the office, these release forms and get these nice people their car keys. This is all over here. This is a Federal agent here, and he just told me the whole story about the Shlytings.

Mr. Coplin: Schlitinooks.

Sheriff: Shitkings.

Mrs. Coplin: No, Schlichtings

Sheriff: Well, anyway, it's clear that we have the wrong people here.

Mel: That's what I've been trying to tell this guy for the last half hour.

Mrs. Coplin: Thank God for this Federal agent. And by the way, w-w-why are you not wearing pants?

Agent Paul: I had an experience, that's why.

Mrs. Coplin: What do you mean?

Agent Paul: I resisted at first, and then it evolved and it continues to evolve for me.

Mrs. Coplin: I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but I got some jewelery somewhere, if you please.

Sheriff: You'll regret this! You mark my words!

Jean: Save your bad temper, Sheriff. See if you can find a better use for it.

Sheriff: Good Lord, what the hell is going on here?

Opal: Oh Daddy, thank God you're here!

Sheriff: What have I told you about messing with my prisoners!

Opal: He attacked me!

Sheriff: Put that blouse back on young lady, and get rid of that bull whip!

Duane Bradley: I can explain.

Sheriff: And just who the hell are you?

Duane Bradley: Duane Bradley, sir. I'm being held against my will.

Sheriff: Didn't I see you on that bus today?

Opal: He's a freak, Daddy, his brother's a monster!

Sheriff: That'll be enough outta you, now you put some clothes on and you go home. Cause you are grounded little miss! You are grounded for the next ten years! And no more car, and no more allowance, and you can forget about that pony I promised you!

Opal: But Daddy, you don't understand!

Sheriff: Oh I sure as to hell do. And any more lip out of you, I'm gonna take you across my knee and personally spank the living daylights outta you!

Baxter: We've gotta go out there with more than shotguns for Christs sakes. We're gonna need fucking bazookas!

Sheriff: Alright, alright, look. You boys have been through alot tonight. Bailey you book the Bradley boy. Baxter take the bassinet of baby Belial's in back and get Brody to come by! Where's Brannon and Banner?

Baxter: Bowling.

Bailey: It's thursday Sheriff.

Sheriff: Aha. Call the lane and tell 'em to get their butts back here! In the meantime, I'm going out there myself!

Sheriff: [having just gotten a tearful earful from his distraught wife about The Boys' having romantically harassed her on the coach] Fiddlin', huh?

Oliver: [absent-mindedly nods in agreement, then hastily shakes his head rapidly and forcefully, realizing that he should not be admitting to any wrongdoing]

Sheriff: Well... we don't like your kind around these parts! And there's one thing in this here town - - we DON'T allow! And that's messing with our women! Now, if you want to stay healthy, you'll catch the next coach out of town.

Oliver: Yes, sir. We'll be right on our way just as soon as we finish up with our business.

Sheriff: And if you MISS the next coach...

Sheriff: [draws revolver]

Sheriff: You'll be riding out of here in a HEARSE!

Sheriff: [slides the gun back into his holster with an angry shove] G'day, strangers!

[walks away huffily]

Stan: [with an innocently cheerful friendly wave after the departing sheriff, showing that he fails to grasp the gravity of the situation] Goodbye...!

Oliver: [hastiy shushing him] Let well enough alone!

Mickey Finn: [holding a pistol] Now, get out of here!

[knock on the door]

Mickey Finn: Who's there?

Sheriff: The sheriff.

Ollie: Just in the nick of time! Now we'll get justice! Come in, Sheriff, you're just the man I'm looking for!

Sheriff: And you're just the man I'm looking for.

Ollie: Oh thank you, this man -

[Ollie recognizes the Sheriff whose wife was pestered by Stan and Ollie in the stagecoach]

Ollie: Ohhh!

[Stan laughs hysterically]

Sheriff: [Ollie taps Stan on the shoulder, he stops laughing] I thought I told you two dudes to catch the next coach out of town.

Ollie: [meekly] Yes, sir.

Sheriff: Well, it left ten minutes ago.

Ollie: It did? Well, maybe we'd better try and catch it.

Sheriff: Well, I'd say you'd better!

[the Sheriff fires his guns, chasing Stan and Ollie out of town]

Sheriff: Look at 'em go!

Mickey Finn: Ha, you can't see 'em for dust!

[Sheriff laughs]

[first lines]

[Boots, Woody and Jeepers blunder into a shootout between lawmen and enemy agents]

Deputy Sheriff: [to one of the spies] Drop it!

Sheriff: [to the entertainers] It's okay. Sorry you got caught in the middle.

Woody Wetherby: What's goin' on?

Sheriff: Spies.

Jeepers: Spies?

Sheriff: That's right - over in Acme City and in these hills. They're all over the place.

Sheriff: Am I speaking to the widow of John S. Lamont?

Mrs. Lamont: You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.

Sheriff: The hell you're not!

Sheriff: [to rapists] If I get any trouble outta you guys, I'm gonna integrate this jail.

Sheriff: Freddie Lee Cobb! We got something to talk about. Hastings, you belong over there with them.

[shoves Hastings over to Freddie]

Sheriff: Get over!

Sheriff: [trying to sound professional] We have the law on our side, Ada.

Ada: Yeah, but I have the chickens AND the truck!

Deputy: Listen.

Sheriff: What?

Deputy: I hear something.

Sheriff: All I hear is you, you damn fool.

Deputy: Shhh!

[Deputy puts his head down on the road]

Sheriff: Who the hell do you think you are, Tonto?

Sheriff: How'd you like me to put my boot up your ass... sideways?

Deputy: [Looking at Kit, in custody in the police car] You know who that son of a bitch looks like? You know, don't you?

Sheriff: No.

Deputy: I'll kiss your ass if he don't look like James Dean.

Kit Carruthers: [the Sheriff has just grabbed the hat right off Kit's head and thrown it out the window of the police car] You tossed my hat out the window.

Sheriff: Want to sue me?

Kit Carruthers: No.

Sheriff: Harvey, who is that fella son of a bitch?

Harvey Hall: How's that Sheriff? I mean, which son of a bitch?

Sheriff: You know the one I mean. The one over there shaking hands with that nigger.

Harvey Hall: That's Big Bill Shelly, notorious Bolshevik. We drug him in last evening.

Sheriff: Well, I don't know about no Bolshevik, But I know, sure enough, he's a nigger lover. Harvey, go over there and make a nigger outta that white one.

Hannie Caulder: Thank you Sheriff.

[turns to leave]

Sheriff: Any time.

Sheriff: [slaps her on the butt] Any time at all.

Hannie Caulder: [turns back to him] If you weren't the Sheriff, I'd call one.

Sheriff: Your bottom's wet.

Hannie Caulder: So's your chin.

Sheriff: Damn it woman, you didn't have to cut him in half. Did ya?

Hannie Caulder: Both halves match don't they?

Sheriff: Why do women exist?

Sheriff: Kate, this man we're dealing with is quite possibly a dangerous criminal.

Kate: How do you know?

Sheriff: What do you mean how do I know?

Kate: What is it that makes a man dangerous anyway?

Sheriff: [frustrated] Look, I'm asking the questions here, okay.

[Last lines]

Sheriff: Don't leave.

Sheriff: Here ya go.

[the sheriff gives Ears a hot dog]

Jessie 'Ears': [Quietly] Thanks.

Sheriff: You know every time you order a hot dog with Sauerkraut on it theirs something going on.

Sheriff: What is it this time?

Jessie 'Ears': Why are people so stupid? I mean no one ever does what you think their gonna do, then they end up dumping on you. Does that ever happen to you?

Sheriff: Every day. Gettin' dumped on what they pay me for.

[Chuckles]

Jessie 'Ears': Wish I was old enough to get out of this place. I'm sick of hanging around with a bunch of immature brats.

Sheriff: Oh, honey. Don't grow up so darn fast. I know you think your ready to hit the road once you have to understand that when you start makin' those kind of choices you can't ever stop.

Jessie 'Ears': But it's different now Dad. It's not like when your were a kid.

Sheriff: No, every kid thinks that, every kid thinks, that when something happens to them its the first time that it's ever happened to anybody. But I guarantee ya there was some kid in Roman Empire that felt exactly they way your felling right now.

Jessie 'Ears': So me getting dumped on isn't anything new either. Alright I'm gonna go.

Sheriff: OK.

Jessie 'Ears': Thanks.

Sheriff: Hm-hm.

[Ears kisser her dad on the cheek]

Sheriff: Listen, don't be late for supper.

Jessie 'Ears': OK, I won't.

Seymour: Hear, hear! I hear there's a call for able-bodied men.

Sheriff: Yeah! Do you know one?

Seymour: I know me! I'm able! I'm a man, and despite what you think, this is a body!

[the crowd in the station laughs]

Sheriff: Sorry, son, I can't take you without your mother's permission.

Sheriff: Gosh all fish hooks! Stop the car, Elmer! Stop the car!

Nick: So was she ever a suspect?

Sheriff: Nope! There was some talk, but it never panned out.

Nick: What kind of talk?

Sheriff: Girlfriend!

Nick: What he had a girlfriend?

Sheriff: No! She did! But like I said, it never panned out.

[last lines]

Sheriff: In a hurry? Know how fast you were doing?

India Stoker: [speaks in Italian]

Sheriff: Pardon?

India Stoker: [translating for him] Effectively fast, Mister Sheriff.

Sheriff: Effective for what?

India Stoker: To get your attention.

Sheriff: I'm here, Lewis, I'm right here. You're not alone, Lewis. Look at me, Lewis. You're not alone, Lewis. Look at me. You're not alone. I'm here. Look at me. See me, Lewis. You're not alone. I'm right here. I'm right here, Lewis, I'm right here. I see you, Lewis. I'm right here. Lewis, you are not alone right now. I'm right here. You are not alone, Lewis. I see you. I see you, Lewis. I'm right here. You're not alone. You are not alone, Lewis!

Sheriff: Should I beware of lawyers bearing gifts?

Sheriff: You'd take 3 years from me but you wouldn't take my word?

Sheriff: Whether you can believe it or not, the facts are here and we've got to face them. A creature that's been alive for over 3,000 years is in this town.

Sheriff: You're that Tatum guy that was popping off over the phone last night!

Charles Tatum: I wasn't popping off, Sheriff; I was threatening. "Play along with me and you'll get re-elected. Don't, and I'll crucify you," that's what I said, remember?

Sheriff: I think I'll have my boys take you down to the county line and throw you out!

Charles Tatum: Throw out your campaign manager? You need plenty of help.

Sheriff: And maybe before I throw you out, I'll toss you into the 'Klink' for awhile!

Sheriff: God better have mercy on you. You won't get any from me.

Sheriff: Stay out of trouble.

Charlie Rogers: You're asking the impossible.

Sheriff: I'm not asking, I'm telling.

Sharon McLonergan: Do you mean to say you're taking this land from these people merely because their skins are black?

Henry: Don't let them chase us, Sharon!

Senator Billboard Rawkins: Will somebody shut this kid up? He's making me look like a bully. Get them out of here, Sheriff.

Sheriff: You heard the Senator, you folks better start packing!

Boy: Is Henry the wrong color?

Sharon McLonergan: No, he's the right color.

[she runs after Senator Rawkins]

Sharon McLonergan: But there's something wrong with the world! I wish...

Finian McLonergan: Sharon, don't...

Sharon McLonergan: There's something wrong with the world that him and his kind have made for people like Henry! I wish you could know what that world is like! I wish to God you were black!

[wind, thunder]

Senator Billboard Rawkins: Well, I'm a son of a biscuit...

Sheriff: You're really looking for a knuckle sandwich aren't you?

Mayor: No, but a piece of pie & a cup of coffee wouldn't break my heart, Colleen?

Colleen: I heard that Mr. Mayor.

Mayor: Oh good. Then you know what I want.

Colleen: I've got Blueberry.

Mayor: That's perfect. Are you registered?

Colleen: Of course.

Mayor: To vote that is!

[last lines]

Dave: [on radio] Sheriff?

Sheriff: Yeah, Dave?

Dave: Ran the Sinclair family through CDIC. Trudy and the doctor didn't have two sons. They had three.

Sheriff: Something like this... You can never explain something like this. And if you were able to. the odds are you wouldn't much care for the answer.

Ellison Oswalt: Well, what can I do for you?

Sheriff: Well, not much I expect, unless I can convince you to load those boxes back on that truck and leave as soon as you're able.

Ellison Oswalt: No, I don't think so.

Sheriff: An autograph?

Deputy: I just thought that...

Sheriff: Are you kidding me?

Sheriff: Driving pretty fast for this time of night, don't you think? Anything I ought to know about?

Ellison Oswalt: Just trying to take your advice, that's all.

Sheriff: Ha! Which advice would that be?

Ellison Oswalt: Leave town and never look back.

Sheriff: You weren't bullied away or anything, were you?

Ellison Oswalt: I'm sorry?

Sheriff: What I mean is, I don't want to be reading in your book that angry town folks chased you out of here. If you've been mistreated, I want to know about it.

Ellison Oswalt: There isn't going to be any book.

Sheriff: No book?

Ellison Oswalt: No, sir.

Sheriff: Well, then... I don't see any reason for me to have your autograph. Just one more favor. Hold it under 60 till you cross the county line. Until you're somebody else's problem.

Ellison Oswalt: Yes, sir.

Sheriff: Go back to your loony bin. I've got enough problems around here without you stirring up ghost stories.

Doctor Sam Loomis: I suppose it was a ghost who did all of this, and a ghost on the radio last night, and a ghost being carried out of here now."

Sheriff: You have no business in my town.

Doctor Sam Loomis: Michael Myers is my business.

Sheriff: I'll be damned if these guys don't eat brimstones for breakfast.

Cece: [Grabs the Baka from around her grandma's neck] Sheriff! Was there a suitcase?

Sheriff: I'm sorry, child?

Cece: In the car, was there a suitcase in the car?

Sheriff: Yeah, there was. We pulled it out, it was empty though.

Cece: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Eden Sinclair: Cece, are you ok?

Cece: What happened?

Eden Sinclair: It was an accident.

Cece: No, what happened to Ray? They said that Ray was in the car.

Eric: The car went in the water. He drowned.

Cece: Is that true?

Sheriff: Either that or the swamp snakes got him. We don't know for sure.

[last lines]

Sheriff: Angela... Drop the knife

Sheriff: [making love to his girl in an empty jail cell] How do you like the accomodations?

The Sheriff's Girl: Just fine, honey!

Sheriff: If your daddy was alive he'd tan your fanny!

Sheriff: Give me your attention, men. I want you to understand we have a dangerous situation here. I've already lost one man. Most of you knew Harv Morgan. I want to get those things that killed him. Now, we are going to split up into groups. No less than two people to a group. We're going to head west until we meet up with the group coming from the east with Deputy Gary.

Posse Member: What are we looking for?

Posse Member: Yeah, Sheriff. What are these things?

Sheriff: They're dead things. They're dead, and they're attacking people.

Sheriff: I'll crack this case wide open if it takes me all night!

Sheriff: It's payback time!

Sheriff: [shows Tuco the wanted poster] So you're an honest farmer. You recognize this man?

Tuco: Me?

Sheriff: Yeah, it's you!

Tuco: Hey, who said so, huh? You can't even read!

[the Sheriff rolls up the poster]

Tuco: Roll it up, roll it up! I'll give you a good idea where you can put it!

Ryan: Somebody tries to shoot me in the back, I defend myself.

Sheriff: You defend yourself almost too well, mister. They're both dead as doornails.

Ryan: They came in the window. It wasn't to wish me pleasant dreams.

Sheriff: Why didn't you kill me?

John Gant: I wasn't paid to.

Sheriff: This is a quiet town, and we'd like to keep it that way.

Sheriff: Goodbye, Rogers. I hope I won't see you again under these circumstances.

Roy Rogers: You won't... under any circumstances.

Michael O'Toole: I have, in my time, visited three political conventions, four sessions of congress, and two homes for the criminally insane. I have known army generals, steam doctors, vegetarians, prohibitionists, and a female suffragette. But never, even in an Orangeman's Day parade, have I seen such pure and stainless brainlessness as I now behold in you. The Almighty, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, has given the worm enough sense to turn with, and the barnacle can grasp whatever happens to be standing by. But you are equipped with a mental capacity smaller than you were born with. Here we are, benighted in the middle of a nowhere named Molly-Be-Damn - a dreary little rookery, Timothy, a squalid sty, a festering pustule on the face of the western slope. Bless the town and bless the people! Look at them - the rabble of this cantankerous community! Knaves and fools, louts and lardheads, the least of all God's creatures, without enough push to pick the fleas off each other, abiding in putrefaction and inertia, curled up comfy in it like hogs in a mud hole! And while I, of all people, fret and sweat for a way to pull these Simple Simons out of the bog, you stand around making flatulent noises for the titillation of the vulgar mob. And while he's bubbling himself, what are you doing, you pusillanimous pack of popcorn pickers? You clattered clutch of clucks? The town dilapidating around you, coasting downhill in a handcart to Hell while you stand about gaping for flies and going patty-cake with your hands!

Mayor: There now! Now just one minute you!

Michael O'Toole: All right, all right, all right! Fine! Keep it, and treasure it the way it is! For when all this trash has collapsed into one pile, and the howling wilderness has claimed its own again, I want you hicks to be happy, belching and spitting, laughing and singing, swinging from tree to tree, with your friend Soapy Sam here, the Uriah Heep of the hookworm belt, standing around below waiting to steal anything that falls to the ground. If a nut should drop and fall - leave it lying there. It's probably my little brother Timothy.

Sheriff: Is that all?

[O'Toole throws up his hands]

Sheriff: [Crowd applauds]

Sheriff: By acclamation - the winner of the cussin' contest - Michael O'Toole!

Sheriff: [to Steve McGowan] You'll end up by dancing on the end of a rope.

Nugget: Cemetery Ridge was a good town. A nice little town until The Fox and his minions took over. Do you know what a minion is, Sheriff?

Sheriff: Un-unh.

Nugget: It means nasty crooks the likes of you being made Sheriff by The Fox rather than being duly elected by the people.

[last lines]

Sheriff: Maybe now Paradise Valley's gonna have a chance to live up to its name.

Sheriff: Let me see your license.

Larry O'Day: License? For what?

Sheriff: What are you peddlin' - snake oil or horse liniment?

Larry O'Day: Neither one. I'm peddlin' sunshine and joy... or trouble. Whatever the customer wants.

Sheriff: You better put a half-hitch on that lip of your'n before you get unpopular.

Sheriff: What's your business?

Larry O'Day: I haven't any. I'm just a rovin' cowboy.

[indicating Larry's dude ranch clothes]

Sheriff: In that rig you look more like a ramblin' rainbow.

[last lines]

[when the sheriff's deputy leads the beautiful Chinese women out of their hidden room, Lucky tries to follow]

Sheriff: Where do you think you're going?

Lucky Smith: Sheriff, can't I be deported, too? I think I'd like it in China.

[gazing at Barbara]

Larry O'Day: I know I like right here where I am.

Henchman Smokey: Something ought to be done with Gray Eagle. If he ever finds out the whiskey is made here...

Sheriff: What are you going to do about setting up this Indian?

Longknife: How much pay?

[The sheriff gives Longknife a pint of whiskey]

Longknife: Small bottle - big job. No.

Sheriff: That's just a starter. You do this job right - get the marshal, his deputy and throw in Gray Eagle - and you'll have all the whiskey you can drink.

Marshal Bob Foster: Sheriff Conger, you're under arrest!

Sheriff: You've got nothing on me.

Marshal Bob Foster: Oh no? Just moonshining, murder, giving whiskey to Indians... and a few other little things.

Sheriff: You can't prove any of those things and you wouldn't talk that way if you didn't have that gun.

[Whip holsters his gun]

Marshal Bob Foster: You'll a murderer, Conger, and you're gonna hang for it, but first I have a score to settle for Gray Eagle...

[The Sheriff slugs Bob and the fight is on...]

Bob Millbourne, aka Robert Mills: I want to serve a summons on Olin Blake.

Sheriff: Quit kiddin'. I'm tired

Bob Millbourne, aka Robert Mills: You're not tired and I'm not kiddin'!

Sheriff: The King is coming. I know it now...