Shawn Colfax Quotes in Fired Up! (2009)

Shawn Colfax: You gotta risk it to get the biscuit.

Nick Brady: I think our bus crashed and we're in heaven.

Shawn Colfax: No, we would've heard "We are crashing, we we are crashing"

Shawn Colfax: 'Panthers out'? What are they, a knife gang?

Coach Keith: How do you spell 'fired up'?

Cheerleaders: F! U!

Shawn Colfax: Not really...

Nick Brady: Uh-uh.

Jennifer: Hey, Nick!

Nick Brady: [aside to Shawn] Name, name, I need a name.

Shawn Colfax: Jennifer.

Nick Brady: Jennifer! Hi, how are ya?

Jennifer: I'm great, really great. Are you going to the bonfire tonight?

Nick Brady: You know it! I was just saying to my boy Shawn here, I can not wait to go to the bonfire tonight so I can hang out with...

Shawn Colfax: [whispers] Jennifer.

Nick Brady: [sings] Jennifer.

Jennifer: I'll see you tonight.

[leaves]

Nick Brady: Okay Jennifer.

Shawn Colfax: It's not that hard a name to remember.

Nick Brady: C'mon, I went out with her last semester. After thirty days the name gets erased from my brain to make room for new ones. There's like three thousand kids at this school!

Shawn Colfax: So why can't you just remember more names?

Nick Brady: I don't know how it works, bro, talk to tech-support.

Nick Brady: Remember when I pretended to be really into Nickelback for that senior chick?

Shawn Colfax: God they suck.

Nick Brady: So did she.

[holds up hand for high five]

Nick Brady: Up top!

Shawn Colfax: Dude. I am not gonna high five you for a BJer you got a year ago.

Nick Brady: [high fives self]

Shawn Colfax: Doesn't count.

Nick Brady: [grabs Shawn's hand and high fives his own hand]

Shawn Colfax: NO!

Carly: You know what John Lennon always said.

Shawn Colfax: No, I don't. I'm not in my fifties. I could ask my dad though.

[smiling]

Carly: Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

Shawn Colfax: You gotta risk it for the biscuit!

Shawn Colfax: I know you want to be here, because you finish last every single year, but you still keep coming back! Even if it means taking endless shit from total dong-knockers like the Panthers!

Sylvia: I wanna cut the blonde one!

Nick Brady: What?

Sylvia: What?

Nick Brady: What?

Sylvia: ...I'm just saying.

Carly: [introducing her boyfriend] He's Pre-med at Illinois.

Shawn Colfax: Then why do you call yourself doctor?

Dr. Rick: Why put off the inevitable?

Nick Brady: How'd you two crazy kids meet, Rick?

Dr. Rick: It's a funny story actually. Our parents knew each other from way back... and they introduced us.

Shawn Colfax: Whoo. Not that funny a story. Not even a story really, just like a fact.

Nick Brady: What makes this girl so great, bro?

Shawn Colfax: I don't know, there's just something about her. You know, when she bumped into me on the bus. Or, uh, when I saw her reading that book. She orders pudding for dessert.

Nick Brady: OK, now you're just listing things that people do.

Shawn Colfax: No I'm not!... Sometimes she writes with a pencil.

Dr. Rick: I'll be watching you.

Shawn Colfax: Yeah. That's exactly what an audience member does at a performance-based event.

Carly: [to Rick] Just go sit down.

Dr. Rick: [makes 'my eyes are on you' gesture] Robert DeNiro, Meet the Parents reference. LOVE IT.

Nick Brady: [as Rick walks away] God he seems great.

Shawn Colfax: Really nice!

Nick Brady: Mm, I like him.

Nick Brady: [about cheer camp] Tell you what, man, that'd be the place to be.

Shawn Colfax: Instead of sweating our balls off in the desert with Coach Shit-Shit.

Nick Brady: ...So let's go?

Shawn Colfax: What?

Nick Brady: Let's go to cheer camp, lets be cheerleaders!

Shawn Colfax: Cheerleaders? Oh my god, are you coming out to me? I am so proud of you, man! And you know what, on some level I kinda always knew.

Nick Brady: Would you shut up? I'm too strait to be gay. I could suck knob and still be strait. I could have one in my mouth and two in each hand and still win a strait award.

Shawn Colfax: [grossed out] Alright...

Nick Brady: [Nick and Shawn cooking and watching TV in the kitchen] Oh look at that hottie, I wonder what she wants to do with her life.

Shawn Colfax: What?

Nick Brady: You know how Bianca wants to go to cooking school and Silvi wants to be a pilot... and... Oh my god, I actually know these girls, as like friends, and I care? I'm becoming a fully formed person with like sensitivity and empathy! HAHA! alright i'm a person!

[looks at the woman in a bathing suit on TV]

Nick Brady: oww look at the pooper on that one! I could rest my beer on that shit.

Shawn Colfax: And you're back. What kind of dressing goes on Greek salad?

Nick Brady: Olive oil, top shelf.

Nick Brady: Let's bet how many times he says 'shit.' I say seven.

Shawn Colfax: No way. Ten.

Nick Brady, Shawn Colfax: Hey coach!

Coach Byrnes: You shitheads think you're the shit? That you don't need to pay attention out there? I'll kick the shit outta ya! You pumped for football camp?

Shawn Colfax: Eh, I guess so.

Nick Brady: Yeah, two weeks without girls. Who wouldn't be pumped?

Coach Byrnes: Don't mess with me shitdick! I'm gonna push ya like you've never been pushed before. Your muscles will ache, your head will throb. You're gonna shit blood out of holes you never knew you had.

Nick Brady: Well at least we're gonna be in Daytona Beach.

Coach Byrnes: No no. They changed it up this year. Camp's gonna be in El Paso, Texas. Hotter than your shithole. We're gonna get you shits conditioned! Bus leaves Monday at o' shithundred hours.

Nick Brady: Which is...?

Coach Byrnes: 4:45 am.

Nick Brady: Of course.

Shawn Colfax: Unusual.

Nick Brady: Mmhm.

Coach Byrnes: Skip your morning shit and get down there.

Nick Brady: Ten 'shits'. You win. How do you always KNOW?

Shawn Colfax: It's a gift. I'm not proud of it.

Shawn Colfax: Hiya sis!

Poppy: Why am I looking at you? Speak!

Nick Brady: [patronizing] Poppy, you're getting so big now! How old are you?

Poppy: I'm 60. Can we get past the small talk? The only time you and my brother come to see me is when you need something. What? Tug mags? Mike's Hard Lemonade?

[looking at Nick]

Poppy: Another ride to the clinic?

Nick Brady: [appalled whisper] Poppy!

Poppy: Tell ya what. I'll teach you some basic cheerleader moves. Hi v's. Low v's. Touchdown. Baskets.

Nick Brady: Whoa whoa whoa. Don't the guys just throw the girls up and catch 'em?

Poppy: Pretty much, eh. But I'll let you practice on me and tell you what they're called. In exchange... I get Shawn's room.

Shawn Colfax: [simultaneously] No.

Nick Brady: Done!

Poppy: Those are my terms. Take them or get out.

Shawn Colfax: [simultaneously] We'll get out!

Nick Brady: We'll take 'em!

Shawn Colfax: Dude! I've got my own bathroom.

Nick Brady: Dude, after cheer camp you won't even need your own bathroom.

Shawn Colfax: What? What does that even mean?

Ms. Klingerhoff: Don't judge a book by its cover, Carly. You never really know what a book is about 'til you get to... page 50!

Nick Brady: 50? I wouldn't have guessed a page over 40.

Shawn Colfax: More like 35.

Brewster: I'm Brewster.

[whispers]

Brewster: Not my real name. My parents named me Jack. "Jack" - so strong, so masculine. We get it! You wanted a boy!

[throws up fists]

Brewster: Ma name's Jack! I punch bad guys and I kiss girls.

[reverts back to normal tone]

Brewster: Save it.

Shawn Colfax: OK.

Brewster: I tell ya what. Your jobs aren't just going over there, sailor. Some of us are coming over here. The world is flat like a son of a bitch.

Shawn Colfax: You're giving us a lot to process here.

Carly: I know at the beginning I might've been a little against you two joining the squad.

Shawn Colfax: I believe you called us 'godless douche-monsters.'

Carly: Actually, it was 'soulless beav-wranglers.'

Nick Brady: [checking out Dr. Rick's ride] What is with that car?

Shawn Colfax: Maybe he just won an LPGA tournament.

Nick Brady: Mopey, I'm talking to you. You've been sitting out here staring into space for like two hours.

Shawn Colfax: [checks watch] It's been five minutes.

Nick Brady: Really? That was five minutes? Wow, I guess I really do suck in bed.

Shawn Colfax: I think you're being a little dramatic.

Nick Brady: Well, I have never...!

Shawn Colfax: [coming to] Did we win? Are we going to State?

Carly: No, we came in nineteenth.

Dr. Rick: You're dumping me for him?

Carly: No, I'm dumping you, period. And then I'm gonna be with him. Period. If... that's okay with him, question mark.

Shawn Colfax: Totally. Exclamation point.

Dr. Rick: Oh puke. Parenthesis, bold, underline.

[pleadingly]

Dr. Rick: Carly Horse. Carly Junior's, baby. Larry, Mo, and Carly. Carly and the Chocolate Factor, sugar. Carlsbad, Carlyfornia.

Dr. Rick: You should get that mole checked out. I'd do it myself, but I don't have my bag on me.

Shawn Colfax: Your book bag?

Diora: Welcome to day one, everybody. Let's start with a warm-up run.

Nick Brady: God, she's such a fox. I guarantee I'm gonna tap that before we leave.

Shawn Colfax: Dude, she's married, and like 30 years old.

Nick Brady: That's just how I like them, ancient and regretful.

[from the trailer]

Shawn Colfax: Screw football, let's go cheer!

[Nick and Shawn go to register. They approach Diora, a beautiful woman whose tight red shirt is open enough to show her breasts]

Diora: Hi. What squad are you on?

[Nick and Shawn get closer to Diora. Nick looks at her nametag]

Nick Brady: Diora? I believe that's Italiano for 'beautiful princess'.

Diora: [unimpressed] No.

Nick Brady: Well it should be, I'm calling the dictionary people.

Diora: What squad are you on?

Shawn Colfax: The Tigers, Gerald R. Ford High.

Nick Brady: Below-average president, above-average student body.

[Diora writes down their names]

Nick Brady: So... what are you doing later?

Diora: [puckers her lips] Not you.

Nick Brady: [giggles foolishly] What about accents? You like Aussies? You wanna wear my leather hat?

Diora: [turns to the mascots] Mascots, I'll be checking you in ten minutes at the mascot table.

[Diora turns back to Nick and Shawn]

Diora: Why are you still here?

Nick Brady: You like canopy beds?

Nick Brady: We're gonna go catch an old Bears game.

Nick Brady, Shawn Colfax: Gooooo Bears!

Shawn Colfax: So what exactly are we going to say to Coach Shit-for-Words to get out of football camp?

Nick Brady: What every kid says to get out of everything he doesn't want to do.

[speaking to Coach Byrne]

Nick Brady: So not only do I find out yesterday I'm adopted, the people I've been calling 'mom' and 'dad' are actually infertile impostors who bought me outside of a meth clinic in Cincinatti for two boxes of Sudafed, but I also get this news dropped on me: my birth father, Bruce, he needs a kidney and I'm the only match! And apparently Bruce needs it stat. Mhm, you need it stat, Bruce? HUH? Well maybe I needed a father stat, instead of this stay-at-home-dad who showers me with love every day of my life this goddamn spermless liar! So now I gotta be at Kaiser Permanente tomorrow at 6:00 am. I know. Bruce couldn't even afford a real hospital. Managed care. It's ironic, huh? He never managed to care for me.

Coach Byrnes: Are you shittin' me? Are you saying you can't go to football coach?

Nick Brady: Yeah, but don't make me say it, coach. It's eating me up inside.

[sniffle]

Nick Brady: It's eating me up.

Dr. Rick: We're learning about the effects of lavender therapy on type-2 carcinoma patients.

Shawn Colfax: How's that working out? Anyone go into remission after smelling a flower?

Dr. Rick: ...Alright, you caught me man. I picked you some flowers, Carly.

Carly: That is so sweet. Where are they?

Dr. Rick: ...I made a special wish on them and threw them into the sky.

Poppy: You look great. You in love?

Shawn Colfax: [Looks over at Carly]

Poppy: Stay Safe.

[Coach Keith introduces his wife to the cheerleaders]

Coach Keith: It is now my absolute pleasure to introduce to you your head counselor and my super-sexy handsome wife, Diora. Let's bring her out here.

[Coach Keith make gestures of fisherman using a pole. Diora arrives, waving her hands. The crowd cheers. Coach Keith kisses Diora on her cheek. Nick and Shawn are shocked to find out the beautiful woman they saw earlier is married to the coach]

Shawn Colfax: What? Did he say "wife"?

Shawn Colfax: No, he couldn't have.

Diora: Welcome, everyone. For the next three weeks, you'll train with me and the other coaches and then compete in a tournament with the top teams going on to the State Finals.

[the crowd cheers]

[Dr. Rick reveals that Nick and Shawn are in the camp just to get girls. Carly is furious. Rick reads Nick's diary aloud to humiliate him]

Dr. Rick: "Cheer camp, day one. The sun rises in the summer sky like Rembrandt's brush on a dogwood branch." Ha-ha-ha. Queeratron. Ha-ha-ha.

[Nick approaches Rick angrily]

Nick Brady: Let's go. Give it to me.

[Rick's burly friends stop Nick]

Dr. Rick: [continues reading from Nick's diary] "And thereby Diora"...

[Rick sees that Diora stands nearby and points at her. She is surprised to hear what he reads from Nick's diary]

Dr. Rick: ..."I lie awake thinking, will I ever say "Diora", as a whisper in an ear? Will she ever say "I love you", in a moment with a tear?"

[Nick charges at Rick, but again Rick's burly friends stop him until Rick reads more. Finally Nick gets the diary back]

Nick Brady: Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Shawn Colfax: Carly, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Carly: Just leave, okay? Just leave like you always planned on doing.

Shawn Colfax: Carly, please, let me explain. Give me just one second.

[Rick and Carly walk away, Rick hugging her shoulder]

Dr. Rick: See you later, high school.

[Diora approaches Nick]

Nick Brady: I didn't write that. I bought the book. It was in there.

Diora: It was beautiful. Thanks.

[Diora kisses Nick o the cheek and walks away. Nick is stunned, for anything he tried so far did not impress Diora]

Nick Brady: Wow, I never really thought of that one. Using one's true feelings to wrangle snooch. So simple.