Shane Quotes in Osmosis Jones (2001)

Shane: Don't you ever think about anyone other than yourself?

Frank: I think about you all the time.

Shane: Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?

Frank: Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!

[last lines]

Frank: [farts]

Shane: Dad!

Frank: Was that you?

Shane: Uh-uh.

Frank: Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?

Shane: [Shane and Ford are driving a stock-racing car] Ford, traffic!

Cary Ford: Aw! This is why I hate four wheels!

Cary Ford: I live my life a quarter-mile at a time.

Shane: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Shane: What is it with you, Ford? Everywhere you go, everything turns to hell.

Cary Ford: Yeah, it's a talent I have.

China: [before the bike duel] You want some of this, bitch?

Shane: Oh, I thought you'd never ask!

Cary Ford: [referring to Henry, after Henry rides off with his drugs] I gotta get that bike.

Shane: [referring to China] I gotta get that bitch.

Shane: Ford, what part of "I don't love you anymore. You're a bastard, and I never want to see you again" didn't you understand?

China: You messed with the wrong chick!

Shane: [Shane knocks China off her bike] Looks like you did, bitch!

Shane: Suspended?

Captain Flemming: This dog's a disaster, you sent him to obedience school what three times now? And he still won't listen.

Shane: Dont put him back into the system, he's been in and out of kennels his whole life, He's never had a home. I tell you what, I will adopt him.

Captain Flemming: Sorry Shane, he's state property, presides you have a baby now, you don't need this kind of trouble at home, let him go Shane, let him go.

Captain Flemming: Captain please don't make me do this.

Gruff K-9: Nice one Diggs.

[when Danny asks Shane to get Madonna the robot away from him]

Danny: Shane, would you get this horny can o' tuna away from me please.

Shane: What can I say Dan? Madonna wants you. I'm not doing, Dan, I swear. I don't know why she reacts to you that way.

Danny: Well, you must not be treating her right. Why don't you pick up a can of WD-40 and go to town.

Shane: I'm late, sorry. We're still pickin' up pieces of the Senator. Uh, none o' the guys have ever seen anything like this before. I mean we're talkin pieces this small. I mean we're talkin' about his you know what.

Max: Emma, you see this? You give that pig so much as a seductive wink, I'm gonna blow a hole in your head big enough to skull-fuck you in.

Shane: That's a small hole.

Shane: Look, I'm sorry about before. I... I wasn't feeling myself. You... You're really not my type.

Laura: Oh, I'm really not your type, huh? Yeah, you... well, you... could have fooled me.

Shane: No, no, no. That's not what I meant. You're fine. You're just...

Laura: I'm just what?

Shane: Too... momish.

Laura: Amish?

Shane: Momish.

Laura: Mom... Oh, momish! Too "momish." Nice. Nice.

[Shane mentions having vivid dreams of trolls and dragons back when he was in rehab]

Tim: Maybe you had ESP.

Shane: Kid, they didn't have cable.

Hauser: Why'd you kill Vinnie?

Shane: He was trying to kill me.

Hauser: That sounds like Vinnie.

Shane: How the hell do you die happy?

Shane: I don't like seein' Dad sad, Mam, but I'd sooner see him sad than not see him at all.

[in the local shop]

Vera: Sorry, Sand, you're a bit short, love.

Sandra: How much?

Vera: One fifty? What's it to be?

[Sandra wonders what items to put back on the shelf]

Shane: What about them aeroplane things, mam?

Sandra: What?

[Shane points at Sandra's pack of sanitary towels]

Shane: Them things with wings on.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: [referring to the letters 'D.D.' being shot into the wall with bullets] Do you have any idea what this could possibly mean?

Lavar: Doris Day. Just a guess.

Shane: [thinks long and hard] Dom Deluise.

Kenneth: Daniel Day-Lewis.

In the Way Back: Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Another Bad Guy: Daphne du Maurier.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: Oh, shut up.

In The Back: Doc Duvalier.

Lefty: David Duchovny?

In The Back: Delores Del Rio.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: Shut up, you idiots.

Kenneth: Dan Rather.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: These initials could only mean one thing: Dudley Do-Right.

Howard: Well, here's the money, but where's the gold?

Kenneth: Whiplash took it.

Barry: Where is Whiplash?

Howard: He's gotta be here somewhere.

Shane: [shouting] Snidely?

Howard: He took off with all the gold. All we have is this measly $26,000.

Barry: We gotta find Whip. He's tricked us.

Howard: And when we do, we're gonna kill him... reeeeeeally slowly.

Kenneth: Yeah, but where is he, huh?

Barry: Now, that's a good question.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: [from behind a mask] I heard he was in the Sudan.

Barry: Where's that?

Howard: In Africa, stupid.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: He's supposed to be at the Hilton Hotel.

Howard: The Hilton, eh?

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: Mmm.

Howard: Come on, boys! Let's go get him!

[all the bad guys rush out]

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: Shane!

Shane: Yes, Mr. Whiplash?

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: Drinks on the house.

Shane: Yes, sir.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: No, wait a second. Drinks are 50% off.

Shane: Right.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: No, wait a second. Double the price of everything!

[chuckles]

Shane: Yes, sir.

Shane: General Whiplash, the village is ours.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: Torch it, Shane. Burn everything.

Shane: Yes, sir.

[salutes]

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: No. Wait a minute. That's bad publicity. Have the photographers take pictures of the boys straightening up the place.

Shane: You got it.

[runs off]

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: [to himself] Learn from history or repeat it.

Gwen Anderson: Oh, don't even think you're breaking up with me. I'm breaking up with you.

Shane: Huh?

Gwen Anderson: I've sat in millions of bedrooms and listened to millions of boys tell me they're leaving me for the poll. I'm not gonna sit here and have one leave me for pussy.

Shane: What!

Gwen Anderson: I'm leaving you, Shane! Go NOT suck all the dick ya want!

Shane: Thanks a lot, I enjoyed it.

Liza Chamberlain: Damn you, Shane, you son of a bitch!

Richard: Look at you. Look at the state of you. You can't keep burning the candle at both ends you know.

Shane: [turns to him] It's my wick and I'll go out in flames if I want to.

Shane: Are you gay?

Vincent Cusack: Why do you ask?

[pause]

Vincent Cusack: Yes, I am. It's the fashion thing, isn't it?

Shane: It's everything.

[sheepish grin]

Shane: I'm not, by the way.

Vincent Cusack: I figured.

Shane: It's the hair thing, isn't it?

Vincent Cusack: It's everything.

[smiles]

Shane: Now, for the first time in my life, I can see what is beautiful, and what's really important. And it's all around. So close, you just have to reach out and it's there. I've found my voice. Show me how to use it.

Shane: So how come I've never seen you out with Megan before?

Kristin: My boyfriend keeps me on a pretty short leash.

Shane: Short leash, huh? Maybe you should bite him and runaway. Some little boy will save you, take you home and ask his mom if he can keep you.

Kristin: Shane let's get out of here. Let's leave everything behind.

Shane: What are you talking about?

Kristin: Let's take the next flight to Machu Picchu! I heard the sunrise there is amazing.

Shane: Are you sure?

Kristin: We've made love. We've been shot at. And I still wanna be with you. What else do we have to go through?

Shane: Machu Picchu, huh? That's a hell of a commitment.

Kristin: I've already made the commitment. All we have to do is make the reservations.

Shane: Music is my sanity so I work really hard on it.

Shane: Did you know that a female firefly chooses a mate based on the pattern of light that the male firefly emits? So if she likes what she sees, she sends back a pattern of light, specifically designed just for that male.

Kristin: [Kristin switches her flashlight on and off] What do you think about that?

Shane: I think you're an expert already.

Kristin: So,now that we're here all alone, away from everybody else, what do you wanna do?

Cynthia: I know I haven't always been the best mom in the world, but I love you. Both of you.

Shane: What do you mean both of us?

Kristin: She means... You tell him.

Cynthia: Shane, she's your sister.

Shane: So are you ready?

Kristin: For what?

Shane: We're gonna set sail. Tonight, we're gonna see the world. Well, at least what we can in one night anyway.

Kristin: Shane, I'm beginning to think, I know less about you than I should.

Shane: I'm the guy you made a pact with to see the world remember?

Kristin: Didn't know I was making a deal with devil.

Shane: I promise, I'm not the devil, but I do like his style though.

[Kristin is not amused]

Shane: Alright, from now on, no lies, no pretending, no secrets.

Shane: Hey, let her go!

Connor: You better back the fuck off, or I am gonna hurt you. I am gonna dump your body in the Pasig River, you motherfucker!

Kristin: Think about your competitive advantage. There maybe a lot of good musicians, but you're way hotter than most of them. And you give women nervous poo.

Shane: Wait, so you're saying, I give women nervous poo, but I'm not good enough?

Kristin: Needs a little work here and there.

Shane: I'm gonna bite you.

Shane: I gotta be going on.

Joey: Why, Shane?

Shane: A man has to be what he is, Joey. Can't break the mould. I tried it and it didn't work for me.

Joey: We want you, Shane.

Shane: Joey, there's no living with... with a killing. There's no going back from one. Right or wrong, it's a brand. A brand sticks. There's no going back. Now you run on home to your mother, and tell her... tell her everything's all right. And there aren't any more guns in the valley.

Joey: Shane...

[Joey notices that Shane is wounded]

Joey: It's bloody! You're hurt!

Shane: [Shane starts to stroke Joey's hair ] I'm all right, Joey. You go home to your mother and father and grow up to be strong and straight. And, Joey... take care of them, both of them.

Joey: Yes, Shane.

[Shane rides off]

Marian Starrett: Guns aren't going to be my boy's life!

Joey: Why do you always have to spoil everything?

Shane: A gun is a tool, Marian; no better or no worse than any other tool: an axe, a shovel or anything. A gun is as good or as bad as the man using it. Remember that.

Marian Starrett: We'd all be much better off if there wasn't a single gun left in this valley - including yours.

Shane: So you're Jack Wilson.

Jack Wilson: What's that mean to you, Shane?

Shane: I've heard about you.

Jack Wilson: What have you heard, Shane?

Shane: I've heard that you're a low-down Yankee liar.

Jack Wilson: Prove it.

[after Shane enters the bar and orders asks for a soda pop, Chris tries to bully him]

Chris Calloway: Well, what'll it be? Lemon, strawberry or lilac, sodbuster?

Shane: You speakin' to me?

Chris Calloway: I don't see nobody else standin' there.

[throws his drink on Shane]

Chris Calloway: Here, have some of this. Smell like a man.

Morgan Ryker: Don't it smell better in here, Grafton? Chris just fumigated a sodbuster.

Sam Grafton: Just take it easy.

Chris Calloway: I was just askin' about sody pop... pigs and taters and one thing and another.

[to Shane]

Chris Calloway: Say, which one of them tater-pickers are you workin' for? Or are you just squattin' on the range?

Shane: Joe Starrett, if it's any of your business.

Chris Calloway: Supposin' I make it my business?

Joey: Was that him? Was that Wilson?

Shane: That was him. That was Wilson, all right, and he was fast, fast on the draw.

Shane: You were watchin' me down it for quite a spell, weren't you?

Joey: Yes I was.

Shane: You know, I... I like a man who watches things go on around. It means he'll make his mark someday.

[after the meal that the Starretts share with Shane]

Shane: That was an elegant dinner, Mrs. Starrett.

Shane: Do you mind putting down that gun? Then I'll leave.

Joe Starrett: What difference does it make, you're leaving anyway?

Shane: I'd like it to be my idea.

Joe Starrett: Looks like your friends are a little late. What are the Ryker boys up to this time?

[points a rifle at Shane]

Shane: Ryker?

Joe Starrett: That's what I said.

Shane: I wouldn't know a Ryker from your Jersey cow.

Joe Starrett: Don't forget to close the gate on your way out.

Joe Starrett: Now, wait a minute. Let's not be in a hurry. There's one more thing. Torrey was a pretty brave man, and I figure we'd be doin' wrong if we wasn't the same.

Fred Lewis: Joe, last time you argued us into stayin', Torrey was alive.

Ed Howells: What do you want us to stay for? More of this?

Joe Starrett: Because we can have a regular settlement here, we can have a town and churches and a school and...

Fred Lewis: Graveyard.

Joe Starrett: I-I don't know, we just got to, that's all.

Shane: Know what you want to stay for? Something that means more to you than anything else - your families - your wives and kids. Like you, Lewis, your girls. Shipstead with his boys. They've got a right to stay here and grow up and be happy. That's up to you people to have - nerve enough to not give it up.

Joe Starrett: That's right. That's - we can't give up this valley and we ain't gonna do it. This is farmin' country, a place where people can come and bring up their families. Who is Ruf Ryker or anyone else to run us away from our own homes? He only wants to grow his beef and what we want to grow up is families, to grow 'em good and grow 'em, grow 'em up strong, the way they was meant to be grown. God didn't make all this country just for one man like Ryker.

Marian Starrett: You were through with gun-fighting?

Shane: I changed my mind.

Marian Starrett: [softly] Are you doing this just for me?

Shane: For you, Marion... for Joe, and little Joe.

Marian Starrett: Then we'll never see you again?

Shane: Never's a long time, Marian.

[looks at Joe, who he knocked out]

Marian Starrett: Tell him... tell him I was sorry.

Shane: No need to tell him that.

Shane: I came to get your offer, Ryker.

Rufus Ryker: I'm not dealing with you. Where's Starrett?

Shane: You're dealing with me, Ryker.

Rufus Ryker: I got no quarrel with you, Shane. You walk out now and no hard feelings.

Shane: What's your offer, Ryker?

Rufus Ryker: To you, not a thing!

Shane: That's too bad.

Rufus Ryker: Too bad?

Shane: Yeah, you've lived too long. Your kind of days are over.

Rufus Ryker: My days! What about yours, gunfighter?

Shane: The difference is I know it.

Rufus Ryker: All right. So we'll all turn in our six-guns to the bartender. We'll all start hoeing spuds. Is that it?

Shane: Not quite yet.

Joe Starrett: I wouldn't ask you were you're bound?

Shane: One place unknown. Some place I never been.

Shane: I like working for Starrett.

Rufus Ryker: Whatever he's payin', I'll double.

Shane: Its no use.

Rufus Ryker: What are you lookin' for?

Shane: Nothin'.

Rufus Ryker: Pretty wife, Starrett's got.

Shane: Why, you dirty...

Joe Starrett: If this don't beat all. My name is Starrett, Joe Starrett, and, um, this here is Joey. You heard what my little woman said. Come on in, please. I-I feel like eatin'.

Shane: Call me Shane.

Chris Calloway: I guess you don't hear very well, sodbuster. I thought I told you if you wanted to keep healthy, to stay outta here. Now, get goin'. Look, pig farmer, you better get back inside with the women and kids where its safe.

Shane: Don't push it, Calloway.

Joe Starrett: What do you make of him?

Shane: He's no cowpuncher.

[Clint puts on the video glasses for the first time with his friends Shane and Patrick]

Shane: Oh, perfect fit!

Patrick: Gimme! Gimme one of these!

Shane: It's perfect! N-I-I-I-C-E!

Clint: What?

Shane: That shit is so quad. You can't even fuckin' tell!

Shane: [Shane and Patrick walk Clint to look at himself in the mirror] Oh, my god! Look at him, huh? Hey, dude, check it out, check it out. You like these glasses, right?

Clint: Yeah.

Shane: These are not just any glasses, my friend.

Clint: They're dork glasses.

Shane: These are video glasses, bitch! There's a camera in that shit!

Patrick: There's a fuckin' mic in that shit!

Shane: Yeah! Yeah! Dude, Look at 'em! You can't see it! It's awesome!

Clint: Where can you get em'?

Patrick: Internet, like...

[Patrick continues to laugh all over]

Shane: Oh, it's so good! I can't even...

Clint: Am I just, like, a spy now?

Shane: Yeah, superspy, man... super ass-and-titty spy. Yeah, tonight, I'm telling you.

Clint: I get it. I know what you want to do.

Patrick: [Patrick laughs and yells out] Yeah, you do! Oh, come on, turn it on! Man! Let's do this! Come on.

Kyle: Maybe we should take lessons.

Shane: I don't want to take lessons, I want to have a fucking band. 2, 3, 4.

Shane: Fucking survivalist. He thinks the less people see his face, the easier it'll be to disappear into the woods. Your lucky. He coulda killed you.

Shane: Sleeping bags. Me and Ronnie, we used to sleep out in the backyard in a tent, and every time it wasn't raining we'd be like all over the place. Ronnie would sneak back in the house and steal eggs and we'd nail houses with them. And Ronnie would be like do whatever you want, I'm just gonna lie here and listen to the crickets. I'd be like okay, just for one minute. And boom, I'd be out. I'd wake up. It'd be the next morning.

Shane: We're gonna have fun with you.

Boyd: I really am a fun guy to have around.

Shane: When I say fun, I mean torture.

Shane: What was your initiation like?

Morris: Unspeakable.

Shane: What, like torture? Bondage? Sodomy?