Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer Quotes in Carry on England (1976)

[welcoming Capt S. Melly]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Welcome to 1313 anti-aircraft battery Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: You up there! What's your name?

Bombardier Ready: Ready, sir.

Capt. S. Melly: Ready? Ready... Willing... Able... This is ridiculous.

[Ready twitches]

Capt. S. Melly: What are you doing?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Twitching, Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: I can see that Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching?

Bombardier Ready: It's me nerves, Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the army for the duration. Twitch your way out of that!

[Bombardier Ready keeps twitching]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Twitch off!

[Leans closer]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Wasted on me, boy!

Capt. S. Melly: Good man, and what's your name?

Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse.

[Melly reacts]

Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse, Sir, that's my name!

[Melly moves along the line]

Capt. S. Melly: And what is your name, my man? Er... woman.

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, Sir, the Sharpe with an E and two F's in the Ffoukes. How do you do?

[Pvt Ffoukes crushes Capt S. Melly's hand while shaking it]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [Leaning in] She too is also a ball squeezer, Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe.

[She does so. before grabbing Sgt Maj Bloomer's leg and biting it]

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: [Standing up] Oh, Tiger! I think you wonderful. When are you going to savage me?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: If only you was a man I would sort you out!

Capt. S. Melly: [Pointing to Pvt. Owen's foot] Well, you seem to have put your foot in it!

Gunner Owen: Not so much my foot, Sir, more my big toe.

Capt. S. Melly: What's wrong with your big toe?

Gunner Owen: Sprained it, Sir, didn't I, when I fell out of bed.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Pushed out of bed, more like!

Capt. S. Melly: [Turns to Bloomer] Pushed out of bed, Sgt Maj?

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: But I couldn't bear it, darling, if you strained something before we'd even... you know.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: I do not know!

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Let me teach you.

[picks up an artillery shell]

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: I find these things awfully exciting, I don't know why.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Shall we commence in the Mess, Sir?

Brigadier: We seem to be in it already.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: I beg your pardon, Sir, but I has found you gets more out of the shower if they're's allowed to wake up sort of gradual like.

Capt. S. Melly: Well from now on, they're going to wake up sort of sudden like.

[Capt. Melly gets a rubbish bin stuck on his backside]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Permission to un-numb bum, Sir?

Capt. S. Melly: [shouts] Get on with it!

[Bloomer slaps Melly's bum and Melly yells with pain]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Cruel to be kind, Sir. Cruel to be kind.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: This is one of these new mixed batteries.

Capt. S. Melly: So, that's what the Brigadier meant when he said this battery was an experiment.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Experiment, Sir. One does not need to experiment. They get that right of way, and all the time.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Ah yes, Sir. They gives me a headache too.

Capt. S. Melly: It's not a headache. It's the stomach. There's a button in it.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: What you may now call a belly button, Sir.

[laughs]

Capt. S. Melly: Oh, shut up!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With respect, sir. 20 years I've been a Sergeant Major. Nobody told me to shut up before. I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir. It's one of the most important parts of my...

Capt. S. Melly: Shut up!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Up!

Capt. S. Melly: What the blue blank blazes is that?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's a gun, Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: But it's made of wood.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's not a real gun yet, Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: A gun emplacement without a real gun?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With all respect, Sir. Remember there's a war on. Real guns is hard to come by.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Now, grit your teeth and we will have it off in a minute.

Capt. S. Melly: Surely you don't mean a bit of the other?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: There's that or the other, Sir. No matter what you call it, they has had it all, all the time. Been in and out of each others quarters like fiddler's elbows.

Capt. S. Melly: I'm going to make a couple of points here. Sergeant Major, when I said "that's all", I didn't mean "that's all", I meant "that's all", that's all.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: That sounds like a lot of all's, Sir.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [about their dogs] Yours may be bigger than mine, Sir. But I've been told mines got more bite.

[Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe has rammed a round into the gun]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Get that thing out of there!

Capt. S. Melly: [Whispering] She rammed it up, it can stay up!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: In that case, gun loaded, Sir!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [the anti-aircraft battery experiences its first real air raid] Move yourselves! Move yourselves! Come on, come on! Sixpence for every one you shoot down, two bob if it is a German!

[scene that was censored by British Board of Film Classification for the use of the word Focke]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Aircraft recognition. These is your new pin-ups. I bet none of you can tell the difference between a couple of Heinkels and a pair of Bristols.

Sgt. Len Able: No, but I can recognise a Focke when I see one.