Selsdon Quotes in Noises Off... (1992)

Selsdon: Am I on?

Belinda: No, no, no, no.

Dotty: No.

Selsdon: Oh, I thought I heard my voice.

Selsdon: So, what's next on the bill?

Lloyd: Well, Selsdon, I thought we might try a spot of rehearsal.

Selsdon: Oh, I won't, thank you.

Lloyd: You won't?

Selsdon: No, you all go ahead. I'll just sit and watch. This is the beer in the wardrobe, is it?

Belinda: No, my dear, he wants us to rehearse.

Selsdon: Yes, but I think we gotta rehearse, haven't we?

Lloyd: Rehearse! Yes, Selsdon. Well done. I knew you'd think of something.

Lloyd: Right, from Belinda and Freddy's entrance.

[Poppy comes running onstage]

Lloyd: Oh my God, what's happened now?

Poppy: The police.

Lloyd: The police?

Poppy: They found an old man lying unconscious in the doorway just across the street...

Lloyd: Oh, yes, thank you.

Poppy: ...and they say he's *very* dirty and pretty smelly...

Lloyd: Yes, thank you, Po...

Poppy: ...and I thought, "oh my God," because-because when you get close to Selsdon...

Belinda: Poppy!

Poppy: ...no, no, I mean, if you stand anywhere *near* Selsdon, you can't help noticing this very distinctive...

[She sniffs and stops dead]

Selsdon: I'll tell you something, Poppy. Once you get it in your nostrils, you never forget it. Sixty years now, and the smell of the theatre still haunts me.

[He walks away]

Belinda: Bless him!

Lloyd, Tim, Selsdon: When I think, I used to do banks. When I remember, I used to do boullion vaults.

[everyone except Poppy and Tim are on-stage and have no idea where they are or what to do now]

Lloyd: I've got to get the 8:40 to New York!

Poppy: [Lloyd opens the door to find Poppy wrapped in sheets, playing Freddy's part] Ah! House of heavenly peace! I rent it.

Dotty: Oh! It's the other one! And in her wedding dress.

Belinda: Yes, yes, it's their wedding day!

All: Oh!

Belinda: What a happy ending... to the... to the first act!... Of their new life together! And they just want to be alone in their new home... if only someone would pull the shades!

[Indicates that the curtain should come down]

Tim: [Tim enters in the black sheets, prepared to play Brooke's part] Come in?

Dotty: Oh, and it's the mother of the bride.

Tim: Go out?

All: Pull the shades!

[Tim runs out to lower the curtain]

Selsdon: Last line?

All: Last line!

Selsdon: I'll tell you one thing, Vicky.

All: [Dotty slaps Vicky, who loses a contact lens and goes looking for it] What's that, Dad?

Selsdon: When all around is strife and uncertainty, there's nothing like an old fashioned plate of, uh... curtain!

Selsdon: [forgetting his lines] A line? A prompt?

All: [shouting] Get the van loaded!