Security guard Quotes in The Matrix (1999)

[Neo walks through a metal detector in the lobby and is approached by a security guard after it goes off]

Security guard: Could you please remove any metallic items you may be carrying, keys, loose change...

[Neo opens his trench coat to reveal dozens of guns underneath]

Security guard: Holy shit!

[Neo knocks the guard down and shoots the other guards]

Security Guard: Are you an alien?

Bruce Banner: What?

Security Guard: From outer space, an alien.

Bruce Banner: No.

Security Guard: Well then son, you've got a condition.

Security Guard: Creepy Creedy.

Kimberly Hart: Um, you haven't by any chance seen a morphological being lurking around here?

Security guard: Morphological being?

Kimberly Hart: Yeah.

Security guard: What the heck is that? Wait a second. Did it look something like this?

[Morphs into Ivan Ooze]

Kimberly Hart: [the Rangers jump back] Ew, gross.

Ivan Ooze: You're too kind. Allow me to introduce myself, I am the galactically feared, globally reviled, universally despised - they call me Ivan Ooze.

Security Guard: You always take a leak with a gun in your hand? That's a good way to blow your balls off!

Security Guard: Make it quick, Admiral. They're moving him to the Federation funny farm.

Kirk: [about McCoy] Yes, poor friend. I hear he's fruity as a nutcake.

Security Guard: There's no bike-riding on campus.

Morgan Hiller: I was sort of hoping I could take a quick ride through history.

Security Guard: [at doorway of ladies' washroom] All right, buddy, come out of there!

Young Serviceman: [standing in toilet] Mind waiting until I put my feet out?

[Mason and Hank has just stolen some meat]

Security Guard: Well well, I finally caught your ass.

Hank: We're just hungry, partner. Give us a break, will ya?

Jack Mason: Yo man, we don't want no trouble, we'll give it back!

Security Guard: To hell with giving it back! It's already been contaminated with your filth! Somebody's going to PAY!

Market Customer: No shit, Man, he had to be at least seven feet tall. I saw him about two blocks down the street.

Market Clerk: Yeah, sure you did. Last week he saw Jimi Hendrix at the laundrymat, remember that?

Security Guard: Right, with a dryer full of tie-dyed shirts.

[as the Oozmas are watching the Scare Floor at Monsters Inc. in order for Mike to show them what it takes to be Scarers, they soon get caught by the Security Guards with their flashlights]

Security Guard: Hey, what are you doing up there?

Art: [Panicking] I can't go back to jail!

Gangster Johnny on TV: Get down on your knees and tell me you love me!

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: Um, everybody... on your knees...

[after a long pause]

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: I love you.

Gangster Johnny on TV: You gotta do better than that!

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge, Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk, Cedrick the Bellman, Officer Cliff, Security Guard: [all chorusing] I love you!

TSA Agent: What's in your pocket, sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Uh, nothing.

TSA Agent: Sir, I'll say again: What's in your pocket?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Nothing.

TSA Agent: I'm gonna ask you again: what's in your pocket, sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau proceeds to mumble the word 'hamburger' in an unintelligible manner throughout his interrogation] All right... I have, in my pocket, a couple of 'hambworstforts'.

TSA Agent: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I have... in my pocket... a couple of 'dolvargars'.

TSA Agent: Sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau continues to mumble the word 'Hamburger'] 'Handbirders'.

TSA Agent: Sir, in your pocket, you have...?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I have four... 'Hanholders'.

TSA Agent: I'm sorry, once more?

[Clouseau mumbles something unintelligible that sounds like'hamburger', but the TSA agent cannot understand Clouseau's thick French accent]

TSA Agent: Again!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: 'Damburrs'!

TSA Agent: Sir?

[a man in the crowd says "Hey, what's that"?]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: 'Damburger'!

TSA Agent: Sir, sir, I'm losing my patience.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Oh, you are? You are losing your patience?

TSA Agent: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm simply telling you I have a couple of 'tamburthers'.

TSA Agent: I've got an 'end darter' down on six, I've got an 'end darter'down on six!

National Guard: Locked and loaded, sir!

Security Agent: Show me your hands, sir!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I'll just show you!

[Clouseau attempts to take the hamburgers out of his pocket, and Ponton tries to keep Clouseau from making a fool of himself]

Security Guard: No, no, no! Stay here, sir!

TSA Agent: I'm gonna ask you again: What's in your pocket, sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I have... in my pocket... a couple of "hamburstfers".

[Clouseau mispronounces "hamburgers" and continues to do so throughout the scene]

TSA Agent: What?

[Jimbo, the German shepherd, barks cautiously]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I have... in my pocket... a couple of "durvergers".

TSA Agent: Sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Amwerters.

TSA Agent: Sir, in your pocket, you have...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I have... four anholders.

TSA Agent: I'm - I'm sorry, once more?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Amwerers.

TSA Agent: [growing frustrated] Again!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Dervers!

TSA Agent: Sir?

[a man in the crowd asks "What's going on"?]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Handbirders!

TSA Agent: Sir, sir, I'm losing my patience.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [tesstily] Oh, you are? You are losing your patience?

TSA Agent: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm simply telling you I have a couple of amburtars.

TSA Agent: I've got an end-darter down on six. I've got an end-darter down on six!

National Guard: Locked and loaded, sir! Show me your hands, sir!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I'll just show you!

[Clouseau takes his hands out of his pockets]

TSA Agent: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Ponton goes beyond the barrier ribbon]

Security Guard: No no no, stay here, sir!

K9 Guard: Sic him, W.!

[a German shepherd named W. leaps at Clouseau]

Security Guard: But I hate pepperoni!

[the security guard is levitating at the ceiling where Tony left him]

Security Guard: Could you get me down please?

[Tia lowers him to the floor]

Security Guard: Thank you. Now, where are you going?

Tia: We're going in there.

Security Guard: Oh, no. No one goes in there without ID.

[Tia levitates him back up to the ceiling]

Ian: Dave Seville. Learn the name, look for the face. If he shows up tomorrow night, he doesn't get anywhere near my chipmunks. Got it?

Security Guard: Got it.

Jim White, Security Guard: That will be $9.50 for parking.

Jim White: Listen, I've got 5 bucks and 7 boys who have never seen the ocean before.

Tony Clifton: Can I use the bathroom? I may have shit my pants.

Security Guard: Not on the lot.

Tony Clifton: Drink of water?

Security Guard: [shakes head]

Tony Clifton: Aspirin?

Security Guard: [shakes head]

Tony Clifton: Moist Towelette?

Security Guard: [shakes head]

Tony Clifton: Well, in that case, a good day.

Gil Hicks: Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?

Roddy: [enters] Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of depheria.

[looks down at the two guys on the floor]

Roddy: What happened to these two?

Jay: The homeboys got a case of the mad munchies!

Gil Hicks: [points to T.S] Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?

Roddy: Why yes it is. All right Quint, I don't know how you got back in here, but we're postponing the start of the show until I call Mr. Svenning. You've brought down the fire, well now you've got it! Security!

Brodie: Hey, Roddy!

[Brody puches Roddy out]

Security Guard: [enters] Somebody call security? What happened here?

Brodie: Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention.

Gil Hicks: That's not what happ...

[Brody stomps on Gil's foot, silencing him]

T.S. Quint: Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start.

Security Guard: Whatever.

Brodie: [to Gil] Look asshole, just go out there with us and behave, and you'll be just fine.

[to Jay]

Brodie: Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob.

Jay: Check. Say, where is that tubby bitch?

Security Guard: Stop in the name of Security!

Security Guard: What're ya gonna do with those *pies*, boys?

Security Guard: [seeing the mess in the room] What the hell gets into you people?

Robert Boyd: [cheerfully] Drugs and alcohol.

Security Guard: [grins] Well, I got no problem with that.

Security Guard: You don't plant no tree in a parking lot!

Security Guard: Hey, sign your bike out! Sign your bike out!

Security Guard: [to Rupert] If your name is not on the list, we cannot let you in. These are the rules and regulations of this place.

[after Thornton Melon's run-in with a showering sorority girl]

Security Guard: Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a a bad day...

Thornton Melon: but a great view! You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids.

[hands officer cash]

Security Guard: I don't have any kids.

Thornton Melon: No kids? Well, get yourself some kids. Take it all.

[hands officer more cash]

Thornton Melon: And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!

Security Guard: Nobody gets in unless they talk to the list.

Doug: We're on the list.

Security Guard: Name?

Steve: Steve and Doug Butabi.

Security Guard: You're brothers?

Doug: No...

Doug, Steve: YES.

Doug: Man. Works every time.

Security Guard: That's very funny.

Steve: Yeah, Doug's hilarious.

Security Guard: Your pants are awful baggy, you got something in there?

Willie: Yea, my dick, you wanna see it?

Security Guard: Keep pushing it, I got my eyes on you.

[from the unrated cut]

Security Guard: You wouldn't be tryin' to hide something in those baggy pants of yours, would ya?

Willie: Just something to cripple your sister with...

Security Guard: No, ma'am. Unless you have a pass, you cannot go up there.

Elle: Lucky I always keep it on me. Hold on. It's right here. There you go.

Security Guard: What is it?

Elle: It's my double platinium VVIP VERSACE Preferred Customer identification card, of course. Available only to those that have shopped on at least five continents. If that fails to satisfy you, you can also contact Billy Dailey, head of customer relations.

Security Guard: You got the wrong VERSACE, lady.

Elle: Really? So Donatella's not here?

Security Guard: Um, Excuse me sir, but this is a Private Club, Manwhores only.

Lil' Kim: Hey, I'm a real GOOD Manwhore, just go ask yo Mamma.

Security Guard: STILL, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Lil' Kim: And that's what yo Momma said after I bang her!

Lil' Kim: [starts laughing hysterically]

Security Guard: O.k., that's it.

Security Guard: [Tosses Lil' Kim in the dumpster]

Lil' Kim: Hey, yo MAMMA's in here!

Security Guard: Do you know Marquis Fontaineau?

Little Dee: Light skin with good hair, yeah I know thim.

Little Dee's Baby: You know my daddy!

Security Guard: Aw hell no!

Little Dee: Let's roll.

[drives off]

Security Guard: [calls Marquis Fontaineau on her cell phone] Marquis, I thought you said you didn't know Little Dee. I met her. I seen her. I seen your damm baby.

Security Guard: There are bodies all over the shop! This is one sick bastard!

Johnny Flodder: [sees Geoffrey touching Kees's butt]

Johnny Flodder: [to the ladies]

Johnny Flodder: Excuse me, ladies...

Johnny Flodder: [gives the glass with beer to a random lady] What does that guy want from you, Kees?

Geoffrey: Oh, hello!

Johnny Flodder: Did he touch you?

Kees Flodder: He wanted to kiss me.

Johnny Flodder: [pointing to Geoffrey, in Dutch] Hey, I warn you, hands off from my sister!

Johnny Flodder: [got grabbed by two security guards]

Security guard: [throws Johnnie against a wall]

Geoffrey: Hey, hey, hey, leave him, alright?

Security guard: Are you sure?

Geoffrey: Yes!

Security guard: [releases him]

Johnny Flodder: What kind of tricks are these?

Kees Flodder: [to Geoffrey, talking about Johnnie] He is my brother.

Geoffrey: Your brother! O, look. Hey, I am pleased to meet you. I am Geoffrey. Sorry about the rough stuff, but you can't blame me for looking after your sister. You don't have to worry about me. I know how to treat a lady like a lady. And I know your sister is every bit of a lady.

Kees Flodder: He is a bit of a weirdo, but he didn't do a thing yet.

Johnny Flodder: Well, er... if he goes too far, just call me.

Security Guard: [seeing Princess on security camera with another dog] She's never done that before, especially on a first date.

Title Card: [first lines]

Don Enrique: [subtitled version] And now we present our look-alike contest: 'The One O'clock Festival'

Security Guard: Wait here, please.

Security Guard: [Seeing him lying on the grass at dark] Hey! What are you doing there? Go on home to sleep.

Hwang Dae-woo: How can you sleep when the full moon is so bright?

Security Guard: Are you the werewolf? Why can't you sleep on a full moon?

Hwang Dae-woo: Sir, am I cute?

Security Guard: What? Looks normal to me.

Hwang Dae-woo: Sir, have you ever kissed? I kissed today!

Security Guard: You did? Then you'll do it until the end of time.

Julia: Get this man a doctor!

Security Guard: What about him?

Julia: [fires gun] He's dead.

Chuck Lane: We need to take a drive to Bethesda

Stephen Glass: What for?

Chuck Lane: I want to meet Joe Hiert

Stephen Glass: I already told you nobody knows where he is

Chuck Lane: Maybe if we go to the hotel where he met with the Restils' and Sims someone will remember them and have some clue on how to find them

Stephen Glass: Hundreds of people go through there everyday

Chuck Lane: These Forbes guys are going to come down on you they are highly suspicious of some of the material in that article, you know that

Stephen Glass: Yeah

Chuck Lane: But they're going to go online with their piece tomorrow, if we can find Hiert I can back them off for a day or two

Stephen Glass: Ok, I'll get my notes

Chuck Lane: [Looking around the conference hall] It was two hundred people here?

Stephen Glass: Yeah they moved in and out most of them were kids

Chuck Lane: That doesn't seem credible to me

Stephen Glass: All I know I was here all of us were right here

Security Guard: Excuse me sir can I help you?

Chuck Lane: Yes you can, we're looking into a conference that was held here couple Sundays ago, computer hackers, do you remember anything like that?

Security Guard: You sure you're in the right building sir?

Stephen Glass: Yes, we're sure

Chuck Lane: Why's that?

Security Guard: [Chuck sternly looks at Stephen] Building's closed on Sundays

Stephen Glass: [Nervously] All I know is I was here, the conference was right here, that's why the Restils' stayed only a few minutes because it was such a dumb place to squeeze into

Special Agent Dana Scully: I need this building evacuated and cleared out in ten minutes! I want you to call the fire department and have them block off the city center in a one mile radius around the building.

Security Guard: Ten minutes?

Special Agent Dana Scully: DON'T THINK! JUST PICK UP THAT PHONE AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Security Guard: You can't get a address without an address. You can't get a job without a job.

Security Guard: Mr Rivera, Mr Rockefeller has told us to give you your comission check. Your services are no longer required.

[Courtney, Dylan, and Zach are running from a suspicious man in the grocery store]

Security Guard: What's wrong?

Courtney Collins: [lying] That man back there just touched one of my boys.

[the security guard stops the man while Courtney and the boys flee the store]

Security Guard: Hey, son. You need to step back.

The Creeper: What'd she tell you?

Phil: Look, you know what, can I ask you a quick question?

Security Guard: Yeah, sure.

Phil: Um, when was the hospital actually closed?

Security Guard: '85.

Phil: '85. Yeah, because, you know, I'm curious, because, you know, they got you, and you got the fire-arm on, and it's not like people are trying to get out, right?

Security Guard: No. No, not out - in.

Phil: In?

Security Guard: It helps to think of Danvers as a giant bat - you know, the middle of the building is the bat's body, and then there's the left jagged wing for the male patients, the other for females - a bat, you know!

[makes disgusting sucking vampire bat noises and flaps his arms comically]

[at Ridgemont; a loud, distant shriek]

Man Attendant: Jesus!

Security Guard: Jesus ain't got nothin' to do with this place.

Security Guard: You never get used to the faces. Never!

Security Guard: Yeah, the one you're picking up, just thinkin' about him gives me the willies. A decade ago, Halloween night, he murdered sixteen people, maybe more, trying to get to his sister. Nearly got her, too. But his doctor, of all people, shot him six times, then he set him on fire. Both of them nearly burned to death. Yeah, I'll be glad to see this one gone. Oh, yes indeed-dee!

Security Guard: Why don't you back off or I'll introduce you to Mr. Wack Wack stick.

Security Guard: Anthony? Anthony! Hey. Long time, no see. I couldn't tell it was you with that beard. Is that for a movie?

Anthony: Yeah.

Security Guard: Hey, you haven't been around here for ages.

Anthony: Yeah, I don't know how long it's been.

Security Guard: Six months, I'd say.

Anthony: Six months... or more.