Sebastian Quotes in Hanna (2011)


Sebastian Quotes:

  • Sebastian: So Hanna, is your mum and Dad still together?

    Hanna: My mother is dead.

    Sophie: [to Sebastian] Nice one, Dad.

    Sebastian: I'm sorry to hear that. I lost my mum when I was very young, so...

    Hanna: It's all right. It happened a long time ago.

    Rachel: Hanna, what did your mum die of?

    Hanna: Three bullets.

    [Sebastian chokes on his wine]

  • Sophie: Mum is against plastic surgery.

    Rachel: I am.

    Sophie: Mum doesn't even wear makeup.

    Rachel: I don't. I think it's dishonest. This is my face, take it or leave it. If you study history of art or anthropology...

    Sebastian: [interjecting] Rachel got a first at Cambridge.

    Rachel: [continuing] ... you learn that red lipstick mimics arousal and suggests the geography of the labia minora.

    Sophie: [interrupting] Puke!

    Rachel: [continuing] Whereas I have a lot of natural red pigment in my lips, so I really don't need it.

    Sophie: Vomitorium!

  • Sebastian: I just want her to stop saying "Vomitorium", alright?

    [son Miles makes a puking noise]

    Sebastian: Oi, it's not funny.

  • Sebastian: Did you ever hear the one about Superman and Wonder Woman?

    Matt: Stop clowning around

    Sebastian: No come on this is a good one. Superman's flying around metropolis and he's horny as hell. He's checking out the rooftops and all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there buck naked and spread eagle. Looks like she wants to get fucked right? So Superman starts thinking to himself, "Man I gotta get myself some of that wonderpussy." and then he realizes that he can fly down, do a little fast pumping and be gone before she even sees him. Because he's Superman. he's faster than a speeding bullet, right? So Superman, he swoops down, he fucks her so quick, she doesn't even see him. Wonderwoman sits up and says, "What the fuck was that?" and The Invisible Man says "I don't know but my asshole is killing me." That's funny right?

    Matt: hmm

    Sebastian: C'mon, guys. That's funny.

  • Sebastian: You know what, Matt? It's amazing what you can do... when you don't have to look at yourself in the mirror any more.

  • Janice: So, what's it like being a ghost?

    Sebastian: Ghosts are dead. I'm very much alive.

  • [Dr. Kramer has stepped out by his pool. He lights his pipe and inadvertently blows smoke in Sebastian's face, briefly outlining it]

    Sebastian: Hi, Boss.

  • Linda: Sebastian, do you have any idea what time it is?

    Sebastian: Da Vinci never slept. Said it was a waste of time.

  • Linda: Did you see that?

    Matt: Sebastian, can you hear me?

    Sebastian: ...The lights! Turn off the... lights!

    [Linda and Matt turn the lights]

    Sebastian: I can't close my eyes.

    Linda: You can, but your eyelids are transparent.

    Sebastian: It's weird. I feel the same, but I'm not here.

    [Linda pushes on Sebastian's chest]

    Linda: You're here.

  • Matt: Any last words?

    Sebastian: Yeah! If I die, pretend the last words I said were real deep and clever.

  • Frank: [over intercom] This is God. You are disturbing the natural order of things, and will be severely punished for all eternity. God has spoken.

    Sebastian: How many times I have to tell you, Frank? You're not God. *I* am.

  • Sebastian: You don't make history by following the rules, you make it by seizing the moment.

  • Sebastian: If we're gonna move forward, this is the next logical step!

  • Linda: *You cracked the code*! 11 months, and you suddenly come up with it out of the blue. How?

    Sebastian: The usual: coffee and Twinkies.

  • Sebastian: Well, your objections have been duly noted and summarily overruled.

    Sarah: Yes, Sir!

    Sebastian: How come when you say "Yes, Sir" it kinda sounds like "Fuck you!"

    Sarah: Practice!

  • [Sebastian is about to inject himself with the serum. He takes off his robe and he's naked. Linda and Sarah smirk]

    Sebastian: Ladies, please, this is science.

  • Matt: Any last words?

    Sebastian: Yeah. If I die, pretend I said something deep and clever.

  • Matt: Sarah's on the warpath, so I suggest you play nice.

    Sarah: This is bullshit, Sebastian, bullshit.

    Sebastian: Good morning to you, too!

  • [Isabelle has been made visible and put in her cage]

    Matt: Man, look how peaceful she is.

    Sarah: Yeah, if I didn't know better, I'd say nothing happened to her.

    Sebastian: Yes, so let's schedule a vivisection for Monday. I want to check her neural pathways.

    Sarah: You just brought her back, and now you're gonna slice up her brain?

    Sebastian: I'm not runnin' a goddamn zoo! All right?

    Sarah: You're a fucking unethical bastard.

    Matt: Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's kidding.

    [to Sebastian]

    Matt: Tell her you're kidding, right?

    Sebastian: Right. I don't want to cut her up for another few weeks.

  • Sebastian: You think I'm trying to kill Isabelle?

    Sarah: Kill? More like liquefy

  • [first lines]

    Sebastian: [another failed molecule design] Damn it!

  • Sebastian: So this guy you're seeing, what's he like?

    Linda: He's everything you're not.

    Sebastian: Oh. He must be dull.

  • Sebastian: Hey would you like to know what it's like making love to an invisible man?

    Linda: It would just be like old times.

    Sebastian: What do you mean?

    Linda: You were never there.

  • Sebastian: You have no idea how much fun this is.

  • Sebastian: Sarah? Are you awake?

    [Then proceeds to unbutton her shirt and feel her breast]

    Sarah: [Wakes up realizing her shirt's unbuttoned] Sabastian? Are you in here? I know you're in here.

    [Looks at the monitor and sees Sabastian back in his bed]

  • Sebastian: Where are you going?

    Rayne: I'm going on my own.

  • Sebastian: Nice form.

    Rayne: Finally, we agree on something.

  • Sebastian: Your Christian community is commercially competitive.

    Altamirano: Yes. It's very prosperous. Isn't that precisely why you want to take it over?

    Sebastian: No. You should've achieved a noble failure if you wanted the state's approval. There's nothing we like better than a noble failure. It's deeply reassuring to a trading nation such as my own.

  • Ariel: [after Rescuing the Prince] Is he dead?

    Scuttle: It's hard to say.

    [Place's his ear to Eric's foot]

    Scuttle: Oh I can't make out a heartbeat.

    Ariel: No look, he's breathing. He's so beautiful.

    Ariel: [singing] What would i give to live where you are/ What would I pay to stay here beside you/ what would I do to see you smiling at me/ Where would we walk/ where would we run/ If we could stay all day in the sun/ Just you and me/ and I could be/ part of your world

    Grimsby: [Calling Out] Eric. Eric

    [the approaching Grimsby and Max's barking send a startled Ariel Back into the Ocean]

    Grimsby: [Helping Eric to his Feet] Oh, you really delight in these sadistic strain on my blood pressure don't you.

    Prince Eric: A girl, rescued me. She was singing. She had the most beautiful voice.

    Grimsby: Ah Eric, I think you swallowed a bit to much sea-water. Off we go. Come along Max.

    Sebastian: [after watching the unfolding events] We just gonna forget the whole thing ever happened. The Sea-King will never know. You won't tell him.

    Flounder: [Knods in agreement]

    Sebastian: I won't tell him. I will stay in one peace

    [Ariel has possitioned herself on top of a rock watching Eric longinly]

    Ariel: [sung] I don't know when/ I don't know how/ But I know something's starting right now/ Watch and you'll see/ Someday I'll be/ Part of Your World

  • Sebastian: Hm. Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you.

  • Sebastian: The newt play the flute / The carp play the harp / The plaice play the bass / And they soundin' sharp / The bass play the brass / The chub play the tub / The fluke is the duke of soul.

    Fluke: Yeah!

    Sebastian: The ray he can play / The ling's on the strings / The trout's rocking out / The blackfish she sings / The smelt and the sprat / They know where it's at / And oh, that blowfish blow! Ha ha!

  • [Ariel's turned herself into a human]

    Sebastian: Just look at her! On legs! On human legs!


    Sebastian: My nerves are shot. This is a catastrophe! What would her father say? I'll tell you what her father'd say. He'd say he's gonna kill himself a crab, that's what her father'd say! I'm gonna march meself home and tell him right this minute

    [Ariel scoops him up and starts shaking her head frantically]

    Sebastian: And don't you shake your head at me, young lady! Maybe there's still time. If we could get that witch to give you back your voice, you could go home with all the normal fish and just be.

    [Ariel's face falls]

    Sebastian: Just be. Just be miserable for the rest of your life.

    [sighs, defeated]

    Sebastian: Alright, alright, I'll try to help you find that prince.

    [Ariel, overjoyed, kisses him]

    Sebastian: Boy. What a softshell I'm turning out to be.

  • Triton: I just don't know what we're going to do with you, young lady.

    Ariel: Daddy, I'm sorry, I just forgot, I.

    Triton: As a result of your careless behavior.

    Sebastian: Careless and reckless behavior!

    Triton: The entire celebration was, er.

    Sebastian: Well, it was ruined! That's all, completely destroyed! This concert was to be the pinnacle of my distinguished career. Now thanks to you, I am the laughingstock of the entire kingdom!

    Flounder: But it wasn't her fault! Ah well first, ahh, this shark chased us yeah yeah! And we tried to but we couldn't and then grr and and we whoa! Ah, and then we were safe. But then this seagull came, and it was this is this, and that is that, and.

    Triton: Seagull?

    [Flounder gasps and hides in Ariel's hair as she gives him a dirty look]

    Triton: What? Oh you went up to the surface again, didn't you? Didn't you?

    Ariel: Nothing happened.

    Triton: Ariel, How many times must we go through this? You could've been seen by one of those barbarians by by one of those humans!

    Ariel: Daddy, they're not barbarians!

    Triton: They're dangerous; do you think I would want to see my youngest daughter snared by some fish eater's hook?

    Ariel: I'm sixteen years old. I'm not a child anymore.

    Triton: Don't you take that tone of voice with me, young lady. As long as you live under my ocean, you'll obey my rules!

    Ariel: But if you would just listen.

    Triton: Not another word! And I am never, never to hear of you going to the surface again. Is that clear?

    [Ariel leaves, crying]

  • Sebastian: Ariel, listen to me. The human world is a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there.


    Sebastian: The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things around you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darlin', it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floating / Under the sea!

  • Sebastian: Jeez, mon, I'm surrounded by amateurs. You want something done, you've got to do it yourself.

    [speaking in a low, seductive voice]

    Sebastian: First, we've to create the mood.

    [transitioning from speech to song]

    Sebastian: Percussion. Strings. Winds. Words.

    [singing "Kiss the Girl"]

    Sebastian: There you see her / Sitting there across the way / She don't got a lot to say / But there's something about her / And you don't know why / But you're dying to try / You wanna kiss the girl.

  • Sebastian: Are you sure about this?

    Scuttle: Have I ever been wrong? I mean when it's important!

  • Sebastian: Down here all the fish is happy / As off to the waves they roll / The fish on the land ain't happy / They sad 'cause they in the bowl / But fish in the bowl is lucky / They in for a worser fate / One day when the boss get hungry.

    Fish: Guess who gonna be on the plate?

  • Scuttle: Well, look at what the catfish dragged in!


    Scuttle: Look at ya! Look at ya! There's something different. Don't tell me. I got it. It's your hairdo, right? You've been using the dinglehopper, right?

    [Ariel shakes her head]

    Scuttle: No? No, huh? Well, let me see. New seashells? No new seashells. I gotta admit, I can't put my foot on it right now, but if I just stand here long enough, I should...

    Sebastian: She's got legs, you idiot! She traded her voice to the sea witch and got legs! Geez, mon!

    Scuttle: I knew that.

    Flounder: Ariel's been turned into a human. She'll have to make the prince fall in love with her, and he's gotta he's gotta kiss her.

    Sebastian: And she's only got three days!

  • Sebastian: Somebody's got to nail that girl's fins to the floor.

  • Sebastian: This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life!

    [Ariel pats him on the head]

    Sebastian: I hope that you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady! Now, we got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you. Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best! You gotta bat your eyes, like this.

    [does so]

    Sebastian: You gotta pucker up your lips, like this...

    [does so, notices that Ariel has fallen asleep. He sighs, and blows out the candle]

    Sebastian: You are hopeless, child. You know that. Completely hopeless.

  • Triton: Do you think I was too hard on her?

    Sebastian: Definitely not! Why, if Ariel was my daughter, I'd show her who was boss. None of this flitting to the surface and other such nonsense. No, sir! I'd keep her under tight control.

    Triton: You're absolutely right, Sebastian.

    Sebastian: Of course.

    Triton: Ariel needs constant supervision.

    Sebastian: Constant.

    Triton: Someone to watch over her, to keep her out of trouble.

    Sebastian: All the time.

    Triton: And you are just the crab to do it.

  • Sebastian: Like I always say, Your Majesty, "children have got to be free to lead their own lives."

    Triton: You always say that, Sebastian?

    Sebastian: [nervous] Tee-hee.

    Triton: Well I guess there's one problem left.

    Sebastian: And what's that, Your Majesty?

    Triton: How much I'm going to miss her.

  • Sebastian: Ariel, you're under a lot of pressure down here. Come with me, I'll take you home and get you something warm to drink.

  • Triton: I'm really looking forward to this performance, Sebastian.

    Sebastian: Your Majesty. This will be the finest concert I have ever conducted. Your daughters, they will be spectacular!

    Triton: Yes, and especially my little Ariel.

    Sebastian: Yes, yes. She has the most beautiful voice. Hmm?

    [to himself]

    Sebastian: If only she'd show up for rehearsals once in a while.

  • Triton: Sebastian, I'm concerned about Ariel. Have you noticed she's been acting peculiar lately?

    Sebastian: Oh! Uh, peculiar?

    Triton: You know, mooning about, daydreaming, singing to herself. You haven't noticed, hmm?

    Sebastian: Oh, well I.

    Triton: Sebastian.

    Sebastian: Hmm?

    Triton: I know you've been keeping something from me.

    Sebastian: Keeping something?

    Triton: About Ariel?

    Sebastian: [Stops his knees from shaking] Ariel?

    Triton: In love? Hmm?

    Sebastian: I tried to stop her, sir! She wouldn't listen! I told her to stay away from humans! They are bad! They are trouble! They are.

    Triton: Humans? What about humans?

    Sebastian: Humans?

    [Chuckles nerviously]

    Sebastian: Who said anything about humans?

  • Sebastian: Ariel, please! Will you get your head out of the clouds and back in the water where it belongs?

  • Sebastian: Ariel, where are you going?

    [He swims up to her and observes that she is swimming with Flotsam and Jetsam]

    Sebastian: Ariel, what are you doing here with this riffraff?

    Ariel: I'm going to see Ursula.

    Sebastian: [gets a shocked look on his face and gasps] Ariel, no! No!

    [He begins tugging on her tail fin, trying to pull her back]

    Sebastian: She's a demon! She's a monster!

    Ariel: Why don't you go tell my father? You're good at that!

    [She shakes him off]

  • Prince Eric: You know, I feel really bad not knowing your name. Maybe I can guess. Is it, uh Mildred?

    [Ariel looks disgusted]

    Prince Eric: Okay, no. How about Diana? Rachel?

    Sebastian: [Whispering] Ariel. Her name's Ariel.

    Prince Eric: Ariel?

    [Ariel nods]

    Prince Eric: Ariel? Oh. That's kind of pretty. Okay, Ariel.

  • Sebastian: Alright, I remember you. And I'll admit I was a little curt that night.

    Mia: "Curt?"

    Sebastian: Okay, I was an asshole. I can admit that. But requesting "I Ran" from a serious musician, it's just, it's too far.

    Mia: My Lord, did you just say "a serious musician?"

    Sebastian: I don't think so.

    Mia: Can I borrow what you're wearing?

    Sebastian: Why?

    Mia: Because I have an audition next week. I'm playing a serious firefighter.

    Sebastian: So you're an actress? I thought you looked familiar. Have I seen you in anything?

    Mia: Uhh, the coffee shop on the Warner Brothers lot, that's a classic.

    Sebastian: Oh I see.

    Mia: Yeah.

    Sebastian: So you're a barista? And I can see how you could then look down on me from all the way up there.

  • Sebastian: They worship everything and they value nothing.

  • Sebastian: I guess I'll see you in the movies.

  • Sebastian: I'm letting life hit me until it gets tired. Then I'll hit back. It's a classic rope-a-dope.

  • Mia: It's pretty strange that we keep running into each other.

    Sebastian: Maybe it means something.

    Mia: I doubt it.

    Sebastian: Yeah, I didn't think so.

  • Mia: I'm always gonna love you.

    Sebastian: I'm always gonna love you, too.

  • Bill: You're fired.

    Sebastian: It's Christmas.

    Bill: Yeah, I see the decorations. Good luck in the New Year.

  • Sebastian: Fuck them!

    Mia: [mildly amused] That's what you always say.

  • Sebastian: You're a barista? I can see how you can look down on me from all the way up there.

  • Sebastian: What do you mean you don't like jazz?

    Mia: It just means that when I listen to it, I don't like it.

  • Sebastian: I thought you wanted me to do this, it just sounds like now you don't want me to do it.

    Mia: What do you mean, I wanted you to do this?

    Sebastian: This is what you wanted for me.

    Mia: To be in this band?

    Sebastian: To be in a band, to have a steady job, you know to be... you know.

    Mia: Of course, I wanted you to have a steady job so that you could take care of yourself and your life and you could start your club.

    Sebastian: Yeah, so I'm doing that, so I don't understand like why aren't we celebrating?

    Mia: Why aren't you starting your club?

    Sebastian: You said yourself no one wants to go that club. No one wants to go to a club called 'Chicken on a Stick.'

    Mia: So change the name!

    Sebastian: Well, no one likes jazz, not even you!

    Mia: I do like jazz now because of you!

  • Karen (Waitress): [passing by the piano] Welcome back, Seb.

    Sebastian: [to himself] There's a nice way to say that, Karen.

  • Sebastian: You should come.

    Mia: To Boise?

    Sebastian: You can knock it off your bucket list.

  • Sebastian: I want to let you know you're looking at a new man. A man who's happy to be here.

    Boss: Right, and you'll play the set list.

    Sebastian: Gladly... Although, you know, I thought in this town it worked on a sort of "one for you, one for me" basis type system. How about two for you, one for me?

    Sebastian: How about all for you and none for me?

    Boss: That's perfect, yes.

    Sebastian: Great.

    Boss: Okay.

    Sebastian: Okay, a mutual decision then.

    Boss: Made by me.

    Sebastian: Right, and I sign off on it, so...

    Boss: Whatever. Tell yourself what you want to know.

  • Sebastian: I'm always gonna love you.

    Mia: I'm always gonna love you, too.

  • Mia: Maybe I'm not good enough!

    Sebastian: Yes, you are.

    Mia: Maybe I'm not! It's like a pipe dream.

    Sebastian: This is the dream! It's conflict and it's compromise, and it's very, very exciting!

  • Sebastian: You could just write your own rules. You know, write something that's as interesting as you are.

    Mia: What are you gonna do?

    Sebastian: Have my own club.

  • Mia: I should probably tell you something now, just to get it out of the way.

    Sebastian: Mm-hmm?

    Mia: I hate jazz.

  • Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.

    Malcolm: Prove it.

    Sebastian: Okay.

    [pulls down his soccer shorts, everyone sees his privates]

    Roger: [His Dad in the audience] That's my boy.

    Eunice: Soccer is the world's favorite sport.

  • Principal Gold: [referring to Sebastian] He's probably halfway to China by now, I mean, he showed his "willis and doodleberries"...

    Sebastian: Present!

  • Sebastian: [indicating Viola's false sideburns] Are those real?

    Viola: Oh yeah, I'm growing sideburns now- NO!

  • Sebastian: [talking about musicians] Last time I heard, they don't need to know TRIGONOMETRY.

  • Sebastian: Besides, if you want to chase your dreams, sometimes you gotta break the rules, right?

  • Viola: You know the percentage of bands that actually make it to the big time?

    Sebastian: Probably the same as female soccer players...

  • Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.

    Malcolm: Prove it.

    Sebastian: Okay.

    [pulls down his soccer shorts]

  • Sebastian: [after falling over on the football pitch again] What am I doing? This isn't FUN.

  • Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Ask me if I like Cheese

    Duke: Duke: Um, ok. Do you like cheese?

    Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Why yes I do, my favorite's Gouda.

  • Simon Brown: You must feel at such a disadvantage, Nanny McPhee.

    Nanny McPhee: In what way?

    Simon Brown: We know your name... but you don't know ours.

    [holds out hand]

    Simon Brown: Pleased to make your acquantence, I'm Oglinton Fartworthy.

    [Children giggle whilst making farty noises]

    Nanny McPhee: [Shakes Simon's hand] How d'you do.

    Simon Brown: That's F-A-R-T, Fartworthy.

    Tora: Booger McHorsefanny.

    Lily: Knickers O'Muffin.

    Eric Brown: Sandra.

    Christianna: Bum.

    Sebastian: I'm Bum!

    Christianna: Oh, Bosoms.

    [Children giggle out loud]

    Baby Agatha: Bum.

    Christianna: You can't be Bum, Aggie! Sebastian's Bum. You're Poop.

    Baby Agatha: Poop Bum.

    Sebastian: You can't be Poop and Bum!

  • Tora: [deciding who will go with their great-aunt] Well, I'm the eldest girl. I'll go.

    Lily: No. I've always known I was destined for tragedy. I'll go.

    Baby Agatha: Aggy go.

    Eric Brown: Don't be silly, Aggy. You're not even a whole girl yet.

    Christianna: No. She wanted me. I'll go.

    Sebastian: You can't all go.

  • Tora: [descussing the mishaps at the tea with their father] And the worms in the sandwiches.

    Sebastian: That was my idea!... I mean, my fault.

  • Jorge: Why are you laughing?

    Sebastian: I'm just very immature.

  • Sebastian: I'm having a birthday party.

    Wally Mars: Oh yeah? You enjoy that, there's gonna come a time in your life when you're not gonna want people to know it's your birthday.

    Sebastian: Why wouldn't anyone want people to know about their birthday?

    Wally Mars: Because getting old sucks. Most people don't accomplish what they'd hope to and they realize that they are most likely not going to. They end up living these quite lives of denial, and uh... brushing birthdays under the rug just becomes a part of that.

    Sebastian: Do you ever get scared that you could have Parkinson's disease?

    Wally Mars: Not specifically Parkinson's, But I'm not gonna lie, I've had my bouts with hypochondria.

    Sebastian: What's that?

    Wally Mars: That's thinking you have diseases that you don't really have.

    Sebastian: Oh my God. I have that.

  • Wally Mars: Do you want to tell me about your new school?

    Sebastian: Why?

    Wally Mars: Because you're a kid and there's nothing else to talk about.

  • Sebastian: Nature is in crises. And only one mammal is to blame.

  • Countess: How many days left till Halloween, Sebastian?

    Sebastian: Oh, a little more than a week, Countess. I told you not to worry.

    Countess: Not to worry? How amusing. But then you're not the one who needs to have the virgin blood of a young man not once, but three times before All Hallows Eve. Not to worry? Being a vampire in the 20th century is a nightmare!

    Sebastian: Did we get up on the wrong side of the coffin this evening?

  • Countess: Wait! I have to replace every door you people smash. Can't you at least try the knob first?

    Sebastian: [Vampire in front tries the knob and it opens easily] Jocks.

  • Jamie: How'd you like to have your crotch set on fire?

    Sebastian: [stepping back] Ooooh! Rough trade!

  • Sebastian: Heidi! You've been overeating again haven't you!

    Heidi: Uh, no I haven't.

    Sebastian: Then explain to me why there is black forest cherry cake i n your cleavage!

  • Sebastian: [singing] Sodomy, you make think it really odd of me/ But I enjoy the act of sodomy/You may call the wrath of God on me/ But if you tried it then you might agree/ That you enjoy the act of sodomy.

  • Sebastian: Don't worry if you feel ashamed / It's been around for years / And thousands more that can't be named / Are interested in rears / Don't worry about hell / No harm will come to your soul / We're not a Pentecostal / And everybody's got an asshole / SODOMY!

    Bletch: Trevor...

    Trevor: Yeah boss?

    Bletch: I want that fudge packer eliminated!

  • [as Marc leaves]

    Sebastian: You know, kissing is so 1990s.

  • Sebastian: I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else: Thou know'st not me.

    Feste: Vent my folly! Tell me what I shall vent to my lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?

  • [Moriarty's henchmen catch a dockworker spying on them]

    Sebastian: Sorry, Professor. We thought the dock was deserted.

    Professor James Moriarty: [stepping out of the shadows] Sorry, indeed. I went to all this trouble for the sake of discretion, and then you allow this to happen. Well?

    Dockworker: No, no! Nooo!

    [Moriarty calmly lights a cigarette as Sebastian cuts the man's throat]

    Professor James Moriarty: [pushes dead dockworker into the water] Come on. Let's not be all day about it.

  • Sebastian: [returning from investigating a strange noise] Nothing, Professor. Probably rats.

    Professor James Moriarty: Ah, yes. Rats.

  • [Professor Moriarty and Sebastian watch from afar as Inspector Lestrade and Lord Smithwick leave 221B Baker Street]

    Sebastian: Do you suppose he took the case, Professor?

    Professor James Moriarty: What? My dear boy, how could he resist? This is turning out so very well.

  • [following Sebastian's bender]

    Henrietta: So tell me about your adventure.

    Sebastian: I can't remember anything.

    Henrietta: That's going to make a hell of a novel. 300 blank pages.

    Sebastian: Shut up.

  • Sebastian: Shit! She is going to kill me!

    Vega: Serves you right.

  • Sebastian: You amaze me.

    Kathryn: Eat me, Sebastian! It's okay for guys like you and Court to fuck everyone. But when I do it, I get dumped for innocent little twits like Cecile. God forbid, I exude confidence and enjoy sex. Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud. Now tell me, are you in... or are you out?

  • Sebastian: What shall we toast to?

    Kathryn: To my triumph.

    Sebastian: It's not my choice of toast, but it's your call. To your triumph over Annette.

    [Kathryn laughs]

    Sebastian: What's so funny?

    Kathryn: Silly rabbit. My triumph isn't over her. It's over you.

    Sebastian: Come again?

    Kathryn: You were very much in love with her. And you're still in love with her. But it amused me to make you ashamed of it. You gave up on the first person you ever loved because I threatened your reputation. Don't you get it? You're just a toy, Sebastian. A little toy I like to play with. And now you've completely blown it with her. I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

    [drinks champagne]

    Kathryn: Tastes good. So, I assume you've come here to make arrangements. But unfortunately, I don't fuck losers.

  • Annette: I'm impressed.

    Sebastian: Well, I'm in love.

  • Sebastian: You spend all your time preaching about waiting for love. Well here it is. Right in front of you, and you're going to turn your back on it. So I guess we're just fucked. I'll move on. But you are going to have to live the rest of your life knowing that you've turned your back on love. And that makes you a hypocrite. Have a nice life.

  • Sebastian: I read your manifesto.

    Annette: You did?

    Sebastian: Yes. I must say, I found it rather... appalling.

    Annette: That's a first. Most people praise me for it.

    Sebastian: Most people are sheep. Who are you to criticize something you've never experienced?

    Annette: I wasn't criticizing. I just think people shouldn't experience the act of love until they are in love and I just don't think people our age are mature enough to experience those kinds of emotions.

    Sebastian: Are you a lesbian?

    Annette: No...

    Sebastian: I didn't mean to offend you. I just picked up on a little bit of that lesbian vibe.

  • Cecile Caldwell: This sure doesn't taste like an iced tea.

    Sebastian: It's from Long Island.

  • Kathryn: Oh, Sebastian? That little wager of yours? Count me in.

    Sebastian: What are the terms?

    Kathryn: If I win, then that hot little car of yours is mine.

    Sebastian: And if I win?

    Kathryn: [Takes off her jacket to reveal a skimpy-looking tank top] I'll give you something you've been obsessing about ever since our parents got married.

    Sebastian: Be more specific.

    Kathryn: In English? I'll fuck your brains out.

    Sebastian: [a little shocked for a moment, recovers] What makes you think I'll go for that bet? That is a 1956 Jaguar Roadster.

    Kathryn: Because I'm the only person you can't have, and it kills you.

    Sebastian: No way.

    [Starts to exit the room]

    Kathryn: You can put it anywhere...

    Sebastian: [Stops in his tracks, bites his lip] You've got yourself a bet, baby.

    [they shake hands and Sebastian exits]

    Kathryn: Happy hunting, Sebastian.

  • Kathryn: The parental units called while you were out.

    Sebastian: How IS your gold-digging, whore of a mother enjoying Bali?

    Kathryn: She suspects your impotent, alcoholic father is diddling the maid.

    Sebastian: Good.

  • Sebastian: We've done some pretty fucked up shit in our time but this... I mean, we're destroying an innocent girl. You do realize that?

  • Kathryn: [into a phone] Fuck her yet?

    Sebastian: [into a phone] I'm working on it.

    Kathryn: Loser!

    Sebastian: Blow me!

    Kathryn: Call me later?

    Sebastian: Sure.

    [hangs up]

  • Sebastian: [voice-over] Dear Annette, I don't know what I could possibly say that would rectify the harm I've caused you. The truth of the matter is that being with you was the only time I have ever been happy. My whole life has been a joke. I prided myself on taking joy in others' misery. Well, it finally backfired. I succeed in hurting the first person I ever loved. Enclosed is my most prized possession. My journal. For a long time I considered it my trophy. A sordid collection of my conquests. If you really want to know the truth than please read it. No more lies. Please give me another chance. I'm a wreck without you.

  • Mrs. Sugarman: Oh, did I ever tell you the time, when my late husband sent me...

    Sebastian: Yes, you already did, Mrs. Sugarman.

    Mrs. Sugarman: Oh, I did?

    Sebastian: Right after we played backgammon, Mrs. Sugarman.

    Mrs. Sugarman: Oh! We played backgammon?

    Sebastian: Uh huh. You beat me three times.

    Mrs. Sugarman: I did?

    Sebastian: Yup. Then I fucked your daughter.

    Mrs. Sugarman: Excuse me?

    Sebastian: I said, would you care for some water?

    Mrs. Sugarman: No, thank you.

  • Sebastian: I have a reputation to uphold.

    Kathryn: Oh, but diddling the therapist's daughter is a challenge.

    Sebastian: [grinning] She was overcharging.

  • [Cecile is wearing a shirt with a big koala bear on it]

    Sebastian: My, what an adorable shirt you're wearing!

    Cecile Caldwell: Thanks, my dad took me on a trip to Australia.

    Sebastian: And how are things down under?

    [looks up her skirt]

    Sebastian: Blossoming, I hope.

  • Annette: I don't believe you.

    Sebastian: There's something I have to tell you.

    Annette: Tell me.

    Sebastian: This isn't working out for me anymore.

    Annette: [not taking Sebastian seriously] Yeah, me neither.

    [kisses Sebastian and he doesn't respond]

    Annette: What's wrong?

    Sebastian: It's not you. It's me... I'm completely fucked up.

    Annette: What are you saying?

    Sebastian: I thought I was in love with you but it was just a lie.I wanted it to work but unfortunately, I feel nothing.

    Annette: Why are you doing this?

    Sebastian: I just... I just wanted to see what you were like in bed.

    Annette: You don't mean that.

    Sebastian: You know nothing. You don't even know me!The fact of the matter is, there is someone I love. You don't even compare to her.

    Sebastian: I don't know how to make this any clearer to you. You mean nothing to me!You were just... You were just a conquest.

    Annette: You're such a coward.Look at yourself! You're shaking! Is that what you came to tell me?

    Sebastian: I'm sorry. I'm completely...

    Annette: Yeah, you're completely fucked up!Get out!


    Annette: Get out!

    Annette: [Sebastian tries to touch Annette] Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

    [Tries to touch her again]

    Annette: Don't fucking touch me Sebastian!

    [Slaps Sebastian around the face]

    Annette: Just leave

    [after Sebastian leaves Annette starts crying]

  • Sebastian: E-mail is for geeks and pedophiles.

  • Sebastian: Why can't we be together?

    Annette: You wanna know why? Because I don't trust myself with you.

  • Kathryn: [referring to Annette] She's really getting to you, isn't she?

    Sebastian: If you must know, yes. I can't stand that holier-than-thou bullshit, and yet, I'm completely infatuated with her.


    Sebastian: She made me laugh.

  • Kathryn: Can I take my new car for a ride?

    Sebastian: Kathryn, the only thing you'll be riding is me.

  • Sebastian: Sounds great... I love you too.

    Kathryn: [mocking Sebastian] "I love you"? My God. You are completely pussy-whipped.

    Sebastian: Stop it.

    Kathryn: What happened to us?

    Sebastian: Nothing's changed.

    Kathryn: Yes it has. You're in love with her, you don't love me anymore.

    Sebastian: Come on, Kathryn, it's just a bet.

    Sebastian: [after being kissed by Kathryn and pushing her away] This is ridiculous.

    Kathryn: What's ridiculous, dear brother, is you! Look at yourself, look at what you've been reduced to! Have you given any thought to what's going to happen when school starts? Not only are you dating Miss Seventeen Magazine, but she's also the new headmaster's daughter. Before you know it, you'll be giving campus tours with her. Oh, wait, her father doesn't know about your past, does he? I doubt he'd let his little princess be seen with the likes of you. Hmm... It's so disappointing to see Annette's manifesto was a total sham. Though, as student body president, I feel it's my sworn duty to tell him.

    [picks up the phone and starts dialing]

    Sebastian: Put the phone down.

    Kathryn: Shh, this will only take a second.

    Kathryn: [after Sebastian grabs the phone and slams it down] Hmm, quite the predicament you're in.

    Sebastian: I don't care what you say. The fact of the matter is that I was planning on telling her everything this afternoon.

    Kathryn: Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're so in love. Do you honestly believe you've done a complete 180 in the few days you've known her? Well let me tell you something, people don't change overnight. You and I are two of a kind. At least I have the guts to admit it. You were going to leave school a legend, now you're going to leave a joke.

    Sebastian: Well, I'm willing to take my chances.

    Kathryn: Don't do it, Sebastian. Not only will you ruin your reputation, you'll destroy hers.

  • Sebastian: You could be a model. It's too bad you're not sexy.

  • Kathryn: I wanna FUCK!

    Sebastian: And I don't.

  • Sebastian: She has a boyfriend named Trevor. Been going out for a year... Trevor understands.

    Kathryn: Trevor's a fag.

  • Sebastian: Well... it's too bad that Greg's in Kansas this summer.

    Blaine Tuttle: Not any more. Football practice just started last week. He's back in the dorms.

    Sebastian: Do you think you can arrange a little pillow-kissing session with him?

    Blaine Tuttle: I do belive that Sparticus is playing on TV tonight.

  • Sebastian: I can't believe that there was a time in my life when all I could think about was... sex

    Dr. Greenbaum: That's no way to go through life.

  • Sebastian: I can't win with you.

    Annette: It's not all about winning, Sebastian.

  • Annette: [on the phone] What are you reading?

    Sebastian: A Tale of Two Cities.

    Annette: Oh, I love Dickins.

    Sebastian: Me too. Hang on its the other line.

    [turns to the two hookers on his bed. One is in a thong the other has her hand on the first one's butt]

    Sebastian: Keep stroking.

    [talk to Annette]

    Sebastian: Sorry, that was my mom.

  • Annette: You know what your problem is? You take yourself way too seriously.

    Sebastian: I do not.

    Annette: You should lighten up.

    Sebastian: I am lightened, can we drop this?

    Annette: Okay.

    [Makes a face at Sebastian]

    Sebastian: Will you stop that?

    Annette: [Continues to make a face]

    Sebastian: Stop, it's distracting

    [starts to laugh]

    Annette: Are you laughing?

    Sebastian: [seriously] No.

    Annette: No?

    [Makes another face, Sebastian begins to laugh and then regains control]

    Annette: Its okay you can laugh, I promise I won't tell anyone.

  • Kathryn: [on the phone] Cecile?... OK, stop crying... stop crying... You know... hold on for Sebastian.

    Sebastian: Cecile?... Stop crying.

  • Helen Rosemont: Sebaaaastian!

    Sebastian: [Under his breath] Aw fuck me.

    [Hugging Helen]

    Sebastian: Aunt Helen! God I've missed you!

  • Sebastian: Ohh well, duty calls. Dr. Greenbaum and her daughter should make for interesting entry.

    Kathryn: Ohh, your journal. Could you be more queer?

    Sebastian: Could you be more desperate to read it?

  • Sebastian: Read this.

    [puts down a copy of "seventeen" magazine on the table]

    Kathryn: I know how to alleviate menstrual cramps, thank you very much.

  • [reading a virgin's manifesto]

    Kathryn: "Why I Plan to Wait" by Annette Hargrove, Kansas City, Kansas. Jesus Christ, is she for real?

    Sebastian: Oh, she's daddy's little angel, a paradigm of chastity and virtue.

  • [Sebastian has just caught Greg in bed with Blaine]

    Greg McConnell: This could ruin my career, man...

    Sebastian: Your career? Greg, think about your family. Can you imagine the pain and humiliation your father is going to feel when he finds out that his pride and joy is a fudge-packer?

    Greg McConnell: Valmont, please! Let's just forget about this...

    Sebastian: [Pretends to ponder for a beat] No. Sorry... can't help you there. After all, it is you who's been bad-mouthing me to Annette Hargrove.

    Greg McConnell: [Panicking] Annette Hargrove? I don't know what you're talking about!

    Sebastian: I'm talking about a letter you wrote some time ago to your old girlfriend, Annette Hargrove, telling her all about me and my sordid secrets. You're the only one who knows her. The truth will save you.

    Greg McConnell: I never said a word to her about you! I promise!

    Sebastian: Yeah, right.

    Blaine: Come to think of it, Valmont, he is probably telling you the truth. The man can barely write out a shopping list, let alone a letter. What was I thinking!

  • Sebastian: It's not like you have a husband - unless you're married to Jesus.

  • Gretchen (a hooker): Books are for fags.

    Sebastian: Books are for fags? Then weep for the future.

  • Blaine Tuttle: Now, just think for a minute. This girl... Annette Hargrove, she said someone wrote her a letter explaining all about you. Where did you say she was from?

    Sebastian: Kansas. Who the hell do I know in Kansas?

    Blaine Tuttle: Greg McConnell.

    Sebastian: The football stud?

    Blaine Tuttle: Mm hm. He's from Kansas City. I wouldn't be surprised if he was your rat.

    Sebastian: It would make sense... McConnell hates me. I fingered his girlfriend at Homecoming last year.

    Blaine Tuttle: I... don't think that bothered him so much.

    Sebastian: What do you mean?

    Blaine Tuttle: Well, let's just say that Greg likes to tackle the tight ends both on AND off the field.

    Sebastian: Oh, are you shitting me?

    Blaine Tuttle: I shit you not. He used to sneak into my dorm room, drunk, every month. We'd go at it for a little while, and then as soon as he'd come, he'd start freaking out: "Oh, what are you doing, man? I'm not a fag! If you tell anybody I'm gonna kick your ass!" Gah. The only reason I let him keep up this charade is cause the man's got a mouth like a Hoover. Ooof!

  • Sebastian: I didn't know it was asshole day at the Valmont house.

  • Sebastian: Unbelievable! Some fag, no offense...

    Blaine: None taken.

    Sebastian: Wrote a letter to this chick describing my lascivious tactics.

    Blaine: Any ideas who it could be?

    Sebastian: Blaine, if I knew who it was, that person would be in a momentous amount of pain!

  • Sebastian: She made me laugh.

  • Kathryn: You're telling me you had the chance to fuck her and you didn't? God, are you a chump.

    Sebastian: A momentary lapse of judgment, soon to be rectified.

  • Kathryn: Who are you spying on? That her?

    Sebastian: Yeah

    Kathryn: Aww, she's crying. Little baby upset about the big bad book.

    Sebastian: Shut up!

    Kathryn: What's up your ass?

  • Helen Rosemont: Sebastian, I want you to meet Annette.

    Sebastian: Well, well.

    Annette: Hello.

    Helen Rosemont: She'll be staying with me for a while.

    Sebastian: I guess that makes two of us. Aunt Helen, why don't you go inside and whip us up some of that iced tea of yours. I'll... tend to Annette.

    Helen Rosemont: All right. You two don't get into any trouble.

    AnnetteSebastian: We won't.

  • Annette: I wouldn't expect a man of your experience to understand my beliefs.

    Sebastian: [taken off-guard] Uh... what's THAT supposed to mean?

    Annette: I've been very well-informed of your reputation.

    Sebastian: What have you heard?

    Annette: That you promise girls the world in order to get them in bed with you.

    Sebastian: [after a pause; more stunned] Who told you this?

    Annette: A friend wrote me.

    Sebastian: That's a little tacky.

    Annette: Why do you sound so surprised? It's the truth isn't it?

    Sebastian: [walks away; shrugs] If you say so.

  • Sebastian: I'm sick of sleeping with these insipid Manhattan debutantes. Nothing shocks them anymore.

  • Sebastian: Night Sweetpea.

  • Sebastian: Get your ass on the bed and prepare for the fuck of your life. After what you put me through I deserve it.

  • Sebastian: Cecile, you know what would be super-duper sexy? If you lost all the clothes.

    Cecile Caldwell: I don't think so.

  • [to Holly, as his blood is being transfused into Brad]

    Sebastian: If he should make love well after this, pay no attention - it will be me.

  • Angel: [Sebastian almost drives his car into the elephant Angel is riding] Hey! Don't crowd, mister! Can't you see an elephant or do I have to paint her red?

    Sebastian: I was blinded by the memory of a beautiful night in Paris.

    Angel: [to the other circus performers] Blow up your water wings, girls, here comes the big wave!

    [to Sebastian]

    Angel: How come no husband ever shot you?

    Sebastian: I never offer a sitting target.

    Angel: I thought I'd seen the last of you when you got mixed up with that wire walker in Lisbon.

    Sebastian: You will never see the last of me, Angel.

    Klaus: Angel!

    [shouting loud]

    Angel: That will be arranged when you meet Klaus.

  • [while Sebastian was speaking, romantically to Holly, Ruth, an elephant, was directed by Angel to pick up and take Holly away, from Sebastian, to Brad]

    Sebastian: [Sebastian, speaking French] Qu'est-ce qu'al y a?

    Holly: Let me go. Sebastian.

    Angel: Never try to take anything from an elephant.

    Holly: Sebastian, do something!

    Sebastian: A lion I fight for you, a tiger! But the red-headed wildcat with an elephant, no.

    [then he chuckled, with a big grin]

    Holly: You make this two-tailed jackass put me down.

    [Ruth, being guided by Angel, took Holly to Brad Braden, then let go of her, in front of Brad]

  • Sebastian: "In your eyes I see the heavens. In the heavens I see your eyes."

  • Sebastian: "After you, let dust cover this world."

  • Marisol Collado: Have you realised, Sebastian?

    Sebastián: What?

    Marisol Collado: That you exist. That you're here. Living is wonderful. You must be aware at any minute that you live. That now the sun's setting. That there are waves on the sea. That a dog barks. That a horse gallops far away. That we're together. That it doesn't matter what happens tomorrow, cause we will still be together. That our senses exist. That they are awake. That we see, hear, taste.

    [a train sounds far away]

    Marisol Collado: Do you hear it?

    Sebastián: Yes.

    Marisol Collado: The train.

    [Horses galloping]

    Marisol Collado: . Can you hear that? They sound like drums.

    [bells far away]

    Marisol Collado: The church bells. Flocks... Yokes... There's life everywhere, Sebastian. And love too, the same in an old olive tree than in a small flower. And everywhere, there we are.

  • Marisol Collado: You're superstitious?

    Sebastián: No, cause it brings bad luck!

  • Severus: So you're still a Christian?

    Sebastian: Yes.

    Severus: Then remove my armor.

  • Sebastian: His eyes are so beautiful. He has sky-blue eyes.

    Justin: What is this? What are you talking about?

    Sebastian: His hair is like the sun's rays.

    Justin: Sebastian...

    Sebastian: His body is golden like molten gold. This hand of his... will smooth away these wounds. Justin, he is as beautiful as the sun. This sun which caresses me... is his burning desire. He is Phoebus Apollo. The sun... is his... burning kiss.

  • Justin: You are marvelous and dance like a god.

    Sebastian: Not like a god, Justin, but for God.

    Justin: Severus understands your dance?

    Sebastian: Yes, he understands.

  • Sebastian: His beauty is enhanced by his anger. It is his anger which is devine. His punishments are like Christ's promise. He takes me in his arm and caresses my bleeding body. I want to be with him. I love him.

  • Miss Elliott: [answering the phone] Abbey nine seven double three...

    Rebecca Howard: Is there someone there called, Sebastian... oh... Sebastian someone?

    Miss Elliott: Mister Sebastian...

    Rebecca Howard: I met him in Oxford in the spring and he offered me a job

    Miss Elliott: Hold on

    Sebastian: [to Sebastian] A girl who says you offered her a job... in the spring

    Sebastian: In the spring?

    Miss Elliott: At Oxford

    Sebastian: Ah! Licence number 66-0-F-Y-H

    [he picks up the handset]

    Sebastian: Let me smother you in jewels and furs; let me whisk you to Monte in my Mercedes...

    Rebecca Howard: What?

    Sebastian: ...Let me teach you the meaning of desire

    Rebecca Howard: Sounds a bit old-fashioned to me

    Sebastian: Yeah, well it is rather an old-fashioned business

    Rebecca Howard: What do you do?

    Sebastian: [to Miss Elliott] what do we do?

    Miss Elliott: [picks up handset] This is Mister Sebastian's personal assistant. We are a more-or-less sane and respectable department of the Civil Service, appearances notwithstanding. Would you like me to arrange an interview?

    Rebecca Howard: Civil Service? Good God! No thank you very much

    Miss Elliott: [to Sebastian] Well, you've lost her. Is she any good?

    Sebastian: Don't know. Can't tell.

    Miss Elliott: You've been doing rather a lot of this stuff recently

    Sebastian: A lot of what stuff?

    Miss Elliott: Gaily irresponsible stuff. This fart-arsing about. It's time you took a proper holiday

  • Roy: We've got a lot in common.

    Sebastian: What do you mean?

    Roy: Similar problems.

    Pris: Accelerated decrepitude.

Browse more character quotes from Hanna (2011)