Scotty Quotes in Star Trek (2009)

Scotty: I like this ship! You know, it's exciting!

Spock Prime: What if I told you that your transwarp theory was correct, that is is indeed possible to beam onto a ship that is traveling at warp speed?

Scotty: I think if that equation had been discovered, I'd have heard about it.

Spock Prime: The reason you haven't heard of it, Mr. Scott, is because you haven't discovered it yet.

Scotty: I'm s... Wha... It... Are you from the future?

James T. Kirk: Yeah, he is. I'm not.

Scotty: Well, that's brilliant. Do they still have sandwiches there?

Spock Prime: You are, in fact, the Mr. Scott who postulated the theory of transwarp beaming?

Scotty: That's what I'm talking about! How do you think I wound up here? Had a little debate with my instructor on relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. He seemed to think that the range of transporting something like a... like a grapefruit was limited to about 100 miles. I told him that I could not only beam a grapefruit from one planet to the adjacent planet in the same system - which is easy, by the way - I could do it with a life form. So, I tested it out on Admiral Archer's prized beagle.

James T. Kirk: Wait, I know that dog. What happened to it?

Scotty: I'll tell you when it reappears. Ahem. I don't know, I do feel guilty about that.

Scotty: Except, the thing is, even if I believed you, right, where you're from, what I've done - which I don't, by the way - you're still talking about beaming aboard the Enterprise while she's traveling faster than light, without a proper receiving pad.

Scotty: [to Keenser] Get off there! It's not a climbing frame!

Scotty: [back to Spock Prime] The notion of transwarp beaming is like trying to hit a bullet with a smaller bullet whilst wearing a blindfold, riding a horse.

[Spock writes on a paper]

Scotty: What's that?

Spock Prime: Your equation for achieving transwarp beaming.

Scotty: [to himself] He's out of it

Scotty: [reads the equation] Imagine that! It never occurred to me to think of SPACE as the thing that was moving!

[the U.S.S. Enterprise is being sucked into a black hole, seconds away from doom]

Scotty: I'm giving her all she's got, Captain!

[the bridge ceiling begins to crack as the ship's drawn closer]

James T. Kirk: All she's got isn't good enough! What else ya got?

Scotty: Um... Okay, if we eject the core and detonate, the blast could be enough to push us away! I cannae promise anything, though!

[the viewing window starts to rupture]

James T. Kirk: DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

Spock: We are traveling at warp speed. How did you manage to beam aboard this ship?

James T. Kirk: Hey, you're the genius. You figure it out.

Spock: As acting captain of this vessel, I order you to answer the question.

James T. Kirk: Well, I'm not telling, "Acting Captain." What, did...?

[Kirk smiles]

James T. Kirk: What, now, that doesn't frustrate you, does it? My lack of cooperation? That-that doesn't make you angry...

Spock: [Spock turns to Scotty] Are you a member of Starfleet?

Scotty: I, um, yes. Can I get a towel, please?

Spock: Under penalty of court martial, I order you to explain to me how you were able to beam aboard this ship while moving at warp.

Scotty: Well...

James T. Kirk: Don't answer him.

Spock: You will answer me.

Scotty: [pause] I'd rather not take sides.

[Spock Prime and Kirk arrive at a derelict Starfleet outpost, and discover... ]

Scotty: You realize how unacceptable this is?

Spock Prime: Fascinating!

Scotty: Okay, I'm sure you're just doing your job, but could you not have come a wee bit sooner? Six months I've been here, living off Starfleet protein nibs and the promise of a good meal! And I know exactly what's going on here, okay? Punishment, isn't it? Ongoing! For something that was clearly an accident!

Spock Prime: [pleased] You are Montgomery Scott.

James T. Kirk: You know him?

Scotty: Aye, that's me. You're in the right place. Unless there's another hardworking, equally starved Starfleet officer around.

Keenser: Me.

Scotty: Get aff! Shut up! You don't eat anything! You can eat, like, a bean, and you're done. I'm talking about food. REAL food!

Scotty: I've never beamed three people from two targets onto one pad before!

Scotty: So, the Enterprise has had its maiden voyage, has it? She is one well-endowed lady. I'd like to get my hands on her "ample nacelles," if you pardon the engineering parlance.

James T. Kirk: Scotty, how we doin'?

Scotty: Dilithium chamber at maximum, Captain.

Scotty: [noticing Keenser straddling a console] GET DOWN!

Scotty: If it isn't Captain James Tiberius Perfect-Hair!

[to Keenser]

Scotty: Did you hear that? I called him "Perfect-Hair".

James T. Kirk: Where are you?

Scotty: Where are you?

James T. Kirk: Are you drunk?

Scotty: What I do on my private time is my business, Jim.

Scotty: Wait. Jim, if we go in there, we'll die! Do you hear me? The radiation will kill us! Will you listen to me? Look, what the hell are you doing?

James T. Kirk: I'm opening the door. I'm going in.

Scotty: The door's there to stop us from getting irradiated! We'd be dead before making the climb!

James T. Kirk: [quietly] You're not making the climb.

[Kirk knocks out Scotty and enters the chamber]

Scotty: [Kirk and Bones return to the Enterprise on Nibiru] Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to hide a starship on the bottom of the ocean?

James T. Kirk: [asking Scotty to investigate the coordinates Khan gave him] I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for, but I have a feeling you'll know it when you see it. You may have been right about those torpedoes.

Scotty: [surprised at Jim's admission] I will consider that an apology. And I will consider that apology.

Scotty: Welcome aboard.

James T. Kirk: It's good to see you too, Scotty.

Scotty: [to Khan] Are you crazy? Whoever you are.

James T. Kirk: Just listen to him, Scotty. It's gonna be alright.

[from trailer]

Scotty: The ship's dead, sir! She's gone!

James T. Kirk: No, she's not...

Scotty: [gesturing to the warp core] Do you know what this is, Captain?

James T. Kirk: I don't have time for a lecture, Scotty!

Scotty: [more forcefully] Do you know what this is?

James T. Kirk: [sighs] It's a warp core.

Scotty: It's a radioactive catastrophe waiting to happen. A subtle shift in magnetic output from, say, firing one or more of six dozen torpedoes with an unknown payload could set of a chain reaction which would kill every living thing on this ship, letting these torpedoes on the Enterprise is the last straw!

James T. Kirk: What was the first straw?

Scotty: What was the...

[scoffs]

Scotty: -there are plenty of straws, how about Starfleet confiscating my transwarp equation, and now some madman is using it to hop across the galaxy! Where'd you think he got it from!

James T. Kirk: We have our orders, Scotty.

Scotty: That's what scares me... this is clearly a military operation. Is that what we are now? Cause I thought we were explorers. I thought we...

James T. Kirk: Sign for the torpedoes. That's an order.

Scotty: Right. Well you leave me no choice but to resign my duties.

James T. Kirk: Oh come on, Scotty.

Scotty: You're giving me no choice, sir!

James T. Kirk: You're not giving me much of a choice!

Scotty: I will not stand by and...

James T. Kirk: You're just making exceptions, sign for the...

Scotty: [forcefully] Do you accept my resignation or not?

James T. Kirk: I DO!... I do. You are relieved Mr. Scott.

Scotty: [after a long pause] Jim... for the love of God, do not use those torpedoes.

[hands Kirk his PADD and walks away, Keenser does the same]

Scotty: No! I'm not signing anything! Now get these bloody things off my ship!

[sees Kirk]

Scotty: Captain!

James T. Kirk: Is there a problem, Mr. Scott?

Scotty: Aye, sir! I was just explaining to this gentlemen that I cannae authorize any weapons on board this ship without knowing what's inside them!

Spock: Mr. Scott raises yet another point that le...

James T. Kirk: Report to the bridge.

Spock: Captain.

[leaves the engineering room]

James T. Kirk: Mr. Scott, I understand your concerns but we need these torpedoes on board!

Scotty: Due respect, sir, but photo torpedoes run on fuel, now I cannae detect the type of fuel that's in the compartments on these torpedoes because it's shielded. Now I asked for the specifications but he says...

[gestures to Torpedo Security]

Torpedo Security: It's classified.

Scotty: [repeating exasperatedly] It's classified. So I said; no specs, no signature!

Sulu: [from deck above] Captain, flight checks complete, we're good to go, sir.

James T. Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Sulu.

Sulu: Yes, sir.

Scotty: Now if you'll excuse me, sir, I have a warp core to prime.

[walks away]

Scotty: [to Keenser] Get down!

Bones: Jim, your vitals are way off...

James T. Kirk: Report to the medbay.

[follows Scotty to the warp core]

James T. Kirk: Scotty! I need you to approve those weapons.

Scotty: It's been upgraded to a 10.9 by the guys at Harvard.

Adrian Helmsley: What does Caltech have to say?

Professor West: The whole city of Pasadena was wiped out just a few minutes ago.

Ark Communications Officer: The capital's been hit by a 9.4.

Ark Communications Officer: We've lost communication with the White House, sir.

Adrian Helmsley: Where's it centered?

Scotty: North Chesapeake Bay.

McCoy: [Kirk runs in to the engine room and sees Spock inside the reactor compartment. He rushes over but McCoy and Scotty hold him back] No! You'll flood the whole compartment!

Kirk: He'll die!

Scotty: Sir! He's dead already.

McCoy: It's too late.

[They let go and Kirk walks to the glass and pushes the intercom button]

Kirk: Spock!

[Spock slowly walks over to the glass and pushes the intercom]

Spock: The ship... out of danger?

Kirk: Yes.

Spock: Do not grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many, outweigh...

Kirk: The needs of the few.

Spock: Or the one. I never took the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

Kirk: Spock.

[Spock sits down]

Spock: [Gasping] I have been... and always shall be... your friend.

[he places a Vulcan salute on the glass]

Spock: [Gasping] Live long... and prosper.

[Spock dies]

Kirk: No.

Scotty: The energizer's bypassed like a Christmas tree, so don't give me too many bumps.

Preston: I believe you'll find everything ship-shape, Admiral.

Kirk: Oh, do you? Do you have any idea, Midshipman Preston, how many times I have had to listen to Mr. Scott on the comm, telling me his trouble? Do you have any idea of the ribbing I've had to endure in the officers' mess... to the effect that the Enterprise is a flying death trap?

Preston: Oh, no sir! Wha... this is the finest engine room in the whole Starfleet! If the Admiral can't see the facts for himself, then, with all due respect, he's as blind as a Tiberian bat!

Scotty: Ahem!

Preston: Sir!

Kirk: Midshipman, you're a tiger.

Scotty: My sister's youngest, Admiral. Crazy to get to space.

Kirk: Every young man's fantasy. Seem to remember it myself.

[Kirk is invited to give a command to the new Enterprise-B]

Kirk: Take us out.

Chekov: Very good, sir.

Scotty: Brought a tear to my eye.

Kirk: Oh, be quiet.

Scotty: Finding retirement a little lonely, are we?

Kirk: You know, I'm glad you're an engineer. With tact like that, you'd make a lousy psychiatrist.

Scotty: Loser.

Lou: Cat person.

Kirk: What are we all doing here?

McCoy: Maybe they're throwing us a retirement party.

Scotty: That suits me. I just bought a boat.

Uhuru: This had better be good. I'm supposed to be chairing a seminar at the Academy.

Chekov: Captain, isn't this just for top brass?

McCoy: If we're all here, where's Sulu?

Kirk: *Captain* Sulu, on assignment. Where's Spock?

[their first look at the USS Excelsior]

Uhura: Would you look at that.

Kirk: My friends, the great experiment: The Excelsior. Ready for trial runs.

Sulu: She's supposed to have transwarp drive.

Scotty: Aye. And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon.

Kirk: Come, come, Mr. Scott. Young minds, fresh ideas. Be tolerant.

Kirk: How much refit time before we can take her out again?

Scotty: Eight weeks, sir. But ye don't have eight weeks, so I'll do it for ye in two.

Kirk: Mr. Scott. Have you always multiplied your repair estimates by a factor of four?

Scotty: Certainly, sir. How else can I keep my reputation as a miracle worker?

Kirk: [over the intercom] Your reputation is secure, Scotty.

Kirk: Scotty, you're as good as your word.

Scotty: Aye, sir. The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.

[giving McCoy a handful of computer chips]

Scotty: Here, Doctor, souvenirs from one surgeon to another. I took them out of her main transwarp computer drive.

McCoy: Nice of you to tell me in advance.

Kirk: That's what you get for missing staff meetings, Doctor. Gentlemen, your work today has been outstanding and I intend to recommend you all for promotion... in whatever fleet we end up serving.

Scotty: All systems automated and ready. A chimpanzee and two trainees could run her.

Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Scott. I'll try not to take that personally.

Captain Styles: Ah, Mr. Scott. Calling it a night?

Scotty: Uh, yes sir.

Captain Styles: Turning in myself, looking forward to breaking some of the Enterprise's speed records tomorrow.

Scotty: Ah, yes sir.

[behind his back, frowning]

Scotty: Good night.

Elevator voice: Level, please.

Scotty: Transporter room.

Elevator voice: Thank you.

Scotty: [under breath] Up your shaft.

Scotty: [studying the Klingon Bird-of-Prey's helm] Where's the damn antimatter inducer?

Chekov: This?... no, *this*!

Scotty: That or nothing.

Sulu: If I read this right, sir, we have full power.

Kirk: [exasperated] Go, Sulu!

[the Enterprise is approaching the closed Spacedock doors]

Kirk: And... *now*, Mr. Scott.

Scotty: Sir?

Kirk: The doors, Mr. Scott!

Scotty: Aye, sir, I'm working on it!

Elevator voice: Level please.

Scotty: Transporter room.

Elevator voice: Thank you.

Scotty: Up your shaft.

Kirk: Mr. Scott, you're amazing!

Scotty: There's nothing amazing about it. I know this ship like the back of my hand.

[walks into low-hanging beam, knocks himself out cold]

Kirk: Stand by to execute emergency landing plan... "B."

[a brief pause]

Chekov: What's emergency landing plan "B?"

Scotty: I don't have a clue.

Kirk: [on Comm system] "B" as in Barricade.

Scotty: He can't be serious.

Scotty: [to Kirk about ship status] Ah. All I can say is they don't make them like they used to.

Kirk: You told me you could get this ship operational in two weeks, I gave you three, what happened?

Scotty: I think you gave me too much time, Captain.

Kirk: Very well, Mr Scott. Carry on.

Scotty: Aye, sir.

[Spots a junior engineer nearby]

Scotty: How many times do I have to tell you, the right tool for the right job!

McCoy: [laughs] I don't think I've ever seen him happier.

[They enter the turbolift]

Computer: Le-le-level?

Kirk: Bridge... I hope. I could use a shower.

Spock: [looks at Kirk] Yes.

Kirk: [responds to a tapping within the wall] What's that noise?

Spock: [tapping continues] I believe it is a primitive form of communication known as morse Code.

Kirk: You're right. I'm out of practice.

[tapping]

Kirk: That's an "S".

Spock: "T".

Kirk: "A"... "N"... "D", end of word.

McCoy: "Stand".

Kirk: New word... "B"... "A"...

Spock: "C"... "K".

McCoy: "Back". "Stand back".

Kirk, Spock, McCoy: "Stand back"?

[the wall explodes]

Scotty: [on the other side of the wall] What are you standing around for? Do you not know a jailbreak when you see one?

[Chief Engineer Scott making a log entry]

Scotty: USS Enterprise, shakedown crew's report. I think this new ship was put together by monkeys. Oh, she's got a fine engine, but half the doors won't open, and guess whose job it is to make it right.

Scotty: [cursing, on his back trying to fix a computer console] "Let's see what she's got," said the captain. And then we found out, didn't we?

Uhura: [walking in] I know you'll whip her into shape, Scotty, you always do.

Scotty: [getting up] Uhura, I thought you were on leave.

Uhura: And I thought we were supposed to be going together.

Scotty: Oh, I can't leave her now when she needs me the most.

Uhura: [stroking Scotty's cheek] I had a feeling you would say something like that, so I brought us...

[whipping up two packages]

Uhura: dinner.

Scotty: [grabbing a package] Oh, lassie. You're the most understanding woman I know.

Starfleet Officer: [transmission on a malfunctioning computer] Red-Red-Red Alert. Red Alert. Red-Red-Red Alert.

Scotty: I just fixed that damn thing! Turn it off, will you?

McCoy: Jim... if you ask me, and you haven't, I think this is a terrible idea. We're bound to bump into the Klingons, and they don't exactly like you.

Kirk: The feeling's mutual. Engine room.

Scotty: [over the intercom] Scotty here.

Kirk: We'll need all the power you can muster, mister.

Scotty: Don't you worry, Captain. We'll beat those Klingon devils, even if I have to get out and push.

Kirk: I hope it won't come to that, Mr. Scott.

Captain Doyle: Cappuccino? Espresso?

[tries to dispense some, but the coffee machine flies sparks]

Captain Doyle: Hey Scotty, can you get this machine to work?

Scotty: I'm givin' it all she's got, Captain! If I push it any farther, the whole thing'll blow!

Scotty: The aerodynamics work! He's breaking wind at 90!

[faced with a 20th century computer]

Scotty: Computer! Computer?

[He's handed a mouse, and he speaks into it]

Scotty: Hello, computer.

Dr. Nichols: Just use the keyboard.

Scotty: Keyboard. How quaint.

[Kirk has just spoken very abruptly to Mr. Scott]

Scotty: He's in a wee bit of a snit, isn't he?

Spock: He is a man of deep feelings.

Scotty: Aye, what else is new?

Scotty: Admiral, there be whales here!

McCoy: You, ah, realize of course that if we give him the formula we're altering the future.

Scotty: Why? How do we know he didn't invent the thing?

[the crew is on a shuttlecraft pondering what their new starship will be]

Sulu: ...I'm counting on the *Excelsior*.

Scotty: The *Excelsior*? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts?

Kirk: A ship is a ship.

Scotty: Whatever you say so.

[pause]

Scotty: Thy will be done.

[the new starship USS *Enterprise* 1701-A emerges into view]

Kirk: My friends.

[pause]

Kirk: We've come home.

Scotty: Damage control is easy. Reading Klingon - that's hard.

[Kirk is pacing back and forth, considering a below-decks room in the Klingon ship for possible whale transport]

Kirk: Scotty, how long is this bay?

Scotty: About sixty feet, Admiral.

Kirk: Can you enclose it to hold water?

Scotty: [laughs] I suppose I could. You planning to take a swim?

McCoy: [sourly] Off the deep end, Mr. Scott!

Kirk: We got to find some humpbacks.

Scotty: Humpbacked... people?

Kirk: Whales, Mr. Scott, whales!

Scotty: [over the intercom] I'm ready, Spock! Let's go find George and Gracie!

Soren: Good heavens!

[as he enters the dorm room]

Soren: I thought you had to be convicted of a crime before you lived somewhere like this.

Eddie: Well it's not that bad. Plus, we haven't seen the rest of it yet.

[opens closet door]

Soren: Apparently, this is the rest of it.

Eddie: Well I like it. And I'll even let you have first choice of the beds.

Soren: Ooo, heavens, which stained mattress shall I choose?

Scotty: [enters, coughing, sniffling, and clearing throat] You the new guys? I'm Scotty. All right, all my food's labeled, so I'll know if you ate anything. I'm allergic to dairy, shellfish, red meat, melon, nuts, and kiwi, so don't bring any of that stuff around here.

[sits down at computer]

Scotty: The X-box is off limits. If you screw up any of my high scores, I'll blind you with my laser pointer.

Soren: [Eddie enters the dormroom where Soren is hooked playing the XBox] Whoa.

Scotty: [to Eddie] He's been like this since I got here yesterday.

Soren: Whoa.

Scotty: [jumps to take back the console] Give it back!

Soren: Back off Clearisil!

[Scotty jumps backs to where he was]

Scotty: [Soren slaps Scotty's hand which was directing toward Soren's last royally-paid-for breakfast] Hey, you cheap Swede!

Scotty: [Scotty just realizing that Paige is present in the dormroom who has been there for a minute or so] Dude. Dude, there's a chick in our room!

Paige: Where's Eddie?

Scotty: Oh, you mean, prince-who-ate-my-triscuits-and-didn't-replace-them?

Ens. Frank Pulver: You mean after everything I've told you, you think I *could* be a doctor?

Scotty: By rights, you should be a good one. You have more people to prove yourself to than anyone I ever heard of. You should cash in on that. My family's in business. They say the big trick is to turn liabilities into assets.

Bea: If I were a man, I wouldn't be a lapdog tied to any woman's apron strings.

Scotty: I might surprise you.

Bea: You probably won't.

Scotty: You're gonna realise, marriage is an idea whose time has come and gone.

Blu: [Watching Belinda on tape] What about her?

Scotty: For the inside man?

Blu: For you, she'd be perfect.

Scotty: Perfect? She only has nine fingers.

Scotty: [Finds footage of Belinda stepping out of her dress] Look what I found.

Ellie: You can't watch this.

Blu: Au contrare, it's our duty to watch this.

Scotty: This is evidence of a crime.

Ellie: It's a crime alright.

Blu: She'd be a nice girl for you.

Scotty: I'm not going out with any girl you've seen naked.

Blu: She's not naked.

Scotty: She will be in a minute.

Blu: [Watching Chester Robb on tape] What's with Barn here?

Scotty: He's lost in thought.

Blu: That's a place where he'd be lost.

Scotty: I'm a fuggin' idiot. I'm a fuggin' idiot. Fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot...

Scotty: Leroy, did you know this is Chance Wayne... the famous Hollywood and Broadway celebrity?

Leroy: Really?

Bud: Sure. All bartenders become movie stars. Right, Chance?

Chance Wayne: Oh, well. What he's trying to say is that I had your job for too long.

Scotty: [everyone is looking into the cellar after it flies open] An animal? An animal? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Scotty: [Taunting Cheryl by whispering] Dead bodies in the cellar. Dead bodies in the...

Cheryl: Will you stop it!

Ash: Linda's still asleep. I don't know what else to do for her. It'll be dawn in a few hours so...

Scotty: I can't wait. I'm getting out of here... now!

Ash: Scotty, we can't take Linda anywhere with her leg like that. We don't even know if there is any other way back besides the bridge.

Scotty: Well... maybe there's an old road or a hiking trail or something. I mean, there must be another away around the cliff.

Ash: Listen to me. Linda cannot walk with her leg like that. She can't even stand up.

Scotty: So, we'll leave her here until we can send somebody back.

Ash: What, are you crazy? I'm not...

Scotty: [interupting] Look, I'm getting out of here! I don't care what happens to her! She's your girlfriend, you take care of her!

[first lines]

Scotty: Hey, Ash, where are we?

Ash: Well we just crossed the Tennessee border...

Scotty: I'm gonna break your face!

[to Ash, after picking up a ceremonial dagger adorned with skulls]

Scotty: This kinda looks like your old girlfriend! Ha ha ha.

Billy Buvanny: Scotty, you don't understand. I'm in love.

Scotty: Oh, you're in love.

Billy Buvanny: Yes, Scotty, I'm in love.

Scotty: Well, kiss me.

Billy Buvanny: Oh, shut up.

Scotty: Hey, listen, all dames are alike. There's no difference in any of 'em.

Billy Buvanny: Yeah, well Dee is different.

Scotty: Oh, yeah? Well, what's different about Dee?

Billy Buvanny: I'll tell ya. In the first place, she doesn't drink. And in the second place, she doesn't smoke.

Scotty: Oh, I see, she's like an old fashioned lamp. She don't smoke or drink, but, she goes out at nights.

Billy Buvanny: You think you're a wise guy.

Dave: Hey, Scotty, you're not Scotch, are you?

Scotty: No.

Dave: Then, why do they call you Scotty?

[Scotty thinks]

Scotty: Cause I'm Irish.

Scotty: Room?

Ross Haney: The best you got.

Scotty: Take your pick - there'll all bad.

Scotty: You know, I've only had three close friends in my day.

Ross Haney: Oh? Who were they?

Scotty: Two guns and a horse.

Scotty: Payne and Reynolds ran all the little ranchers off the range and they kept 'em off with lead. What do you plan to use for ammunition?

Ross Haney: Water.