Scott Quotes in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

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Scott Quotes:

  • Scott: Hon? Did you just get in?

    [believing that he was talking to Kate, but finds the T-X instead]

  • Scott: I'll help you to find her.

  • Scott: [both on the Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!

    Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott!

    Scott: Why did you run out on me?

    Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.

    [audience boos]

    Dr. Evil: Well it's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.

  • Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.

    Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?

    Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.

  • Scott: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something?

    Dr. Evil: How about, no, Scott? Okay?

  • Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".

    [Scott snickers]

    Dr. Evil: What?

    Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.

    Dr. Evil: What did you call me?

    Scott: Nothing.

    Scott: [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff.

    Dr. Evil: Bless you.

  • Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.

    Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.

    Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.

    Dr Evil: Probably.

  • Frau Farbissina: [both on the Springer show] Scott, you are my love child with Dr.Evil.

    Scott: I thought I was a test tube baby.

    Frau Farbissina: Lies. All lies!

  • Dr. Evil: Any ways, the key to this plan is the giant laser. It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project.

    Scott: Oh, my God.

    Dr. Evil: What now?

    Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just name it 'Operation Wang-Chung'? Ass.

    Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, i don't...

    Scott: Oh nothing. I'm sure 'Operation Bananarama' will be huge.

  • Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?

    Scott: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a big dope?

  • Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it.

    Scott: You know, you can't even...

    Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip.

    Scott: Look, all I'm...

    Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.

    Scott: Number Two, would you please back me up?

    Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!

    Scott: Ugh. I can't...

    Dr. Evil: [to the tune of Devo's "Whip It"] When a problem comes along, you must zip it!

    Dr. Evil: [imitates whip] Zip it good!

    Scott: Frau, would you please - ?

    Dr. Evil: [speaks Japanese] Subtitle: "Zip it".

    Scott: I'm just trying to...

    Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?

  • Scott: Jesus Christ, you are a great driver!

    Mallory Kane: [slams into a deer]

  • Mallory Kane: Just keep your head down a few more minutes and you're out of this.

    Scott: Great, great. How are *you* gonna get out of this, may I ask?

  • Scott: What building's on the corner of Montgomery and... aw Jesus, it's the Glass Tower.

    Young Fireman: What?

    Scott: The Glass Tower! I sure hope that fire's on the first floor!

    Young Fireman: You ever fight one in a high rise?

    Scott: Yeah.

    Young Fireman: Is it as tough as I hear?

    Scott: Like being inside a chimney!

  • Zoe Plummer: [about the people at the party] Who are all these people?

    Scott: I don't know.

    Zoe Plummer: We need to talk.

    Scott: Don't hate the player, girl, hate the game.

  • Scott: Say good night, asshole.

    Luc: Good night, asshole.

  • Scott: God damn it the whole fucking platoon's dropping like flies! What the hell are you staring it? Do you have any idea what it's like out there? Do you? Well I'm fighting this thing man, it's like kick ass, or kiss ass, and I'm busting heads! It's the only way to win this fucking war. And these shitheads, these yellow traitoring motherfuckers. They're everywhere. And I, Sergeant Andrew Scott of the US Army, I'm gonna teach 'em all.

  • Scott: [while repeatedly ramming a badly beaten Luc's head into the side of a car] NOw I'm gonna teach you the chain of command private! When I say: "Jump!"; You say: "How high?" Got it? Got it? Take it and stick in your fucking head!

  • Scott: You can't run from this war soldier! Not under my command. You're growing weak. You should have taken your... medication.

  • Scott: [while draggin Luc towards Veronica] I gave you an order soldier, now let me see you waste that gook traitor... Now where are we gonna shoot her? In the stomach? Naa... In the chest? Noooo... I think we should shoot her... in the head!

    [Scott points his gun at Veronica's head and pulls the trigger]

    Scott: It's empty.

    [with a big grin]

    Scott: It's empty!

  • Scott: Are we having fun yet?

  • Luc: Sarge, you want me? I am here. Let the girl go!

    Scott: Don't tell me what to do, soldier! I give the orders around here, and you're gonna have to learn that! She's a fucking gook traitor! I gave you an order to kill her, and now you must fulfill that order, Private!

    Luc: Sarge, the war is over.

    Scott: Not for me! Not for her! And not for *you*!

    [they begin fighting]

  • Scott: [after he shot the prison bus driver that was driving Luc and Veronica] Excuse me! You should check out your driver! He don't look so hot! Hahaha!

  • Scott: [after he shot four police officers in the supermarket with ease] See! They're everywhere!

  • Scott: You're dead soldier...

    Luc: No... I'm alive.

  • Scott: They're all traitors!

  • Scott: It's that slimeball RJ!

  • Scott: Stick with me, guys; you'll never go hungry.

  • Scott: Beat it, Brucey! Go home and play with your wooden dolly!

  • Scott: Bruce Lee freak, just what Kingswood needs. Why me?

  • Scott: Hey, who peed in the pool?

  • Scott: In the city always a refelection, in the woods always a sound.

    Curtis: What about the desert?

    Scott: You don't wanna go in the desert.

  • Scott: You need to set your motherfucker to "receive".

  • Scott: What they gotcha teachin' here, young sergeant?

    Jackie Black: Edged weapons, sir. Knife fighting.

    Scott: Don't you teach 'em knife fighting. Teach 'em to kill. That way, they meet some sonofabitch who studied knife fighting, they send his soul to hell.

  • Curtis: I fucked up. I tried to help.

    Scott: That's usually when people fuck up.

  • Grace: Nice knife.

    Scott: Yeah. Got it off an East German fella.

    Grace: He give it to ya for a gift?

    Scott: No. As I recall, he was... rather reluctant to part with it.

  • Curtis: My name's Curtis.

    Scott: Do I need to know that? If I want camaraderie, I'll join the Masons.

  • Laura Newton: Did my father send you?

    Scott: That's right.

    Laura Newton: Why? Why? He wants me dead.

    Scott: He sent me.

    Laura Newton: One man.

    Scott: "One riot, one Ranger." You ever heard that?

    Laura Newton: Leonidas, King of Sparta... when a neighboring state would plead for military aid, would send one man.

    Scott: Well, there you go.

    Laura Newton: You ever hear that?

    Scott: No. I think we went to different schools.

  • Scott: Did you burn me?

    Jones: Can't say that I did.

    Scott: Wanna prove it?

    Jones: The Lord hates a coward.

    Scott: We're taking her now.

  • Curtis: They sending you in?

    Scott: We'll leave that to our betters.

    Curtis: Why don't you ask them?

    Scott: Why would I want to know? I ain't a planner, I ain't a thinker. I never wanted to be. You got to set your motherfucker to receive. Listen to me. They don't go through the door, we don't ask why. That's not a cost, it's benefit. Because we get to travel light. They tell me where to go. Tell me what to do when I get there.

  • Grace: Yeah, I always knew you Marines were a weepy buncha motherfuckers.

    Scott: I got something in my eye.

  • Zimmer: I think you broke my arm.

    Scott: [slams his arm against the side of a dumpster] Now it's broken.

  • Scott: Honey, you got all the slack in the world until I leave this room. Then I'm gonna zero you out.

  • Burch: She dyed her hair. They see that red hair, what do they do, her hair grows out, when they see that red hair? Somebody recognizes her? What do they do when they realize who they took?

    Scott: They kill her.

    Burch: You're fuckin'-A right, they kill her.

  • Laura Newton: I don't wanna go home.

    Scott: Look, you go home some wave their hats, some turn their backs. It's all the same. None of them know where you've been.

  • [first lines]

    Scott: You had your whole life to prepare for this moment. Why aren't you ready?

  • Curtis: I saw the sign.

    Scott: Then you are truly blessed.

  • Scott: You wanted to go through the looking glass. How was it? Was it more fun than miniature golf?

  • Curtis: I saw the sign.

    [draws the Picasso symbol on the hood of a car]

    Curtis: Sir.

    Scott: You saw the sign? You were up for a week. You coulda seen Jack Ruby. You don't know what you saw your first time out.

    Curtis: Sir, I know what I saw.

    Scott: You didn't see no sign baby, 'cause she wasn't there. The hardest thing, y'know what it is? It isn't going in the door, it's coming out. You ever come down offa drugs? The most powerful drug in the world is adrenaline. I told you everything I know. Stand down.

  • Burch: What about if we had to go off the meter? I need a man, a man who can unquestioningly follow orders.

    Scott: The door is closed sir.

    Burch: I need to ask you to do something.

    Scott: I am here to get the girl back, sir. And there is nothing I will not do to get the girl back.

  • Laura Newton: Fuck it. I don't want to go home. Nobody there cares about me. I'm just a whore. I'm just a little whore.

    Scott: Yeah, how'd you get like that?

    Laura Newton: I was raised by wolves.

  • Scott: Want some more dope? Want a Dr. Pepper?

  • Jackie Black: We got the girl back.

    Scott: Yeah. She just took the long way home.

  • Scott: There was a king, and he had a daughter, and she was abducted. The king, he swore to protect her, but while he was indulging himself shamefully, she was abducted. Now, the king's advisors, they knew that if she came home, she would reveal the king's shame to the country. So they told the king that she was dead.

  • Scott: This is wrong. This is north. The map is flipped.

    Jones: How do you know it's north?

    Scott: See that? That's Cassiopeia. That's my girlfriend.

  • Scott: It's all in the mind, sergeant. That's where the battle's won.

  • Avi: You heard of the private sector? That's where you found me.

    Scott: Well, then sell me something.

  • Scott: It's okay, I'm with Secret Service.

    Donny: Guess again. I'm Secret Service. And you'll follow my directions, or I'll shoot you dead.

    Scott: Yes.

    Donny: Step away from the door.

    Scott: Yes. I have a message for her. I have something to tell her.

    Donny: Take two steps to your left.

    Scott: Yes. I have a message for Mrs. Newton.

    Donny: I'm sure you do. Spread your arms, please, out to the sides. Open your hands.

    Donny: Open the box.

    Donny: I'm minutes from the bomb squad. If it's 'Happy Birthday,' let's do it now.

  • Scott: I'm looking for my niece...

    Bartender: Oh yeah? 'Cause a lot of guys come in here looking for someone else's niece...

  • Scott: How you fake the DNA?

    Donny: You don't fake the DNA. You issue a press release.

  • Scott: You're gonna leave your life or you're gonna leave the information in this room.

  • Avi: There are some people in this house...

    Scott: Avi...

    Avi: That if you were go, while you were there, if you said hello to them for me, it would cut your price.

    Scott: Avi, what do you think I am?

    Avi: I don't know what you are. You ain't a planner. You're a shooter. I don't know what you're doing here, and I think you've gone off the reservation.

  • Jackie Black: Ain't nobody here but two people in green.

    Scott: It goes beyond that.

    Jackie Black: Nothing goes beyond that.

  • Laura Newton: Thank you.

    Scott: For what?

    Laura Newton: For coming for me.

    Scott: Ah, what the hell.

  • Laura Newton: I could make you give me the cigarette.

    Laura Newton: [takes her top off]

    Scott: Keep it together. Keep your voice down.

  • [last lines]

    Business Man: Time to go home.

    Scott: Lucky man.

  • Scott: So what are you doing now?

    Jeffrey Jay: I rob banks.

    Scott: What you doin here then?

    Jeffrey Jay: Robbing a bank.

  • Betty Shin: Who goes? Jeffrey's fucked.

    Ben McGewen: One of us.

    Jake Nealson: I'll go. I know the explosives.

    Betty Shin: Guess again. You're too heavy. Jeffrey only had that cord set for 350 pounds.

    Jake Nealson: Well, you go, then.

    Betty Shin: Someone's got to track the alarms. I stay with my laptop, pal.

    Scott: I can do it.

    Ben McGewen: No offense, but when this makes the books as the most fucked-up bank job in history for all the mistakes that I did make, I don't want to be credited with sending the Chow-Wang food guy in to blow the safe.

  • Scott: That's an insult to both of us. It makes me stupid and you... a whore.

  • Scott: It can't be... all the Ninja are dead...

  • Scott: Doggo is not the answer... nswer... swer... wer... er... r...

  • Scott: If winning overshadows everything, why didn't you teach one of us to lose?

  • Scott: Oh my God! Ninja... ja... ja... ja...

  • Rogers: Hey Harry, we'll stir up the indigenous population when we get there, eh?

    Harry: Remember what the man said Rogers. You are the Special Air Service, you are visitors to South Vietnam.

    Scott: Better it's over there and not here.

    Medic: What do ya mean?

    Scott: That we're visitors.

    Dawson: Yeah, I can just see my mums face now if old missus Wilson from next door came over for a bit of a natter and sprayed up the place with a seven-point-six-two tracer.

    Harry: Scare the Christ out of your flying ducks, wouldn't it?

  • [first lines]

    Scott: You come about the flat?

    Emma: [yes]

    Scott: I warn ya, this place is free for a reason. It's a shit hole. Still want to have a look?

    Emma: Yes.

    Scott: Okay. Guided tour... Hallway, dark, damp, rat-infested.

    Emma: Nice.

    [heads up the stairs]

  • Erin Brockovich: Hey Scott, Tell me something. Does PG&E pay you to cover their ass, or do you just do it out of the kindness of your heart?

    Scott: I don't know what you're talking about...

    Erin Brockovich: The fuck you don't! Nobody calls me Pat-te, That heavy-breathing sicko that called the other night, Could have only found out about me from you... People are dying, Scott, you've got document after document here telling you why, and you haven't said one word. I wanna know... How the hell you sleep at night!

    [guilty stare]

  • Samson: There's a reason Romeo killed himself, okay? Suicide was the best option for this guy.

    Mallory: Why?

    Scott: What?

    Lyle: No, no. Romeo set the standard for love.

    Samson: No, Shakespeare didn't know anything about love. The guy was a sexual deviant, okay? He couldn't keep his hands off himself. That's why his name was Shakespeare

    Narrator: It's true. Hardy, Dickens, Longfellow, all sex starved pen names.

    Samson: E. Cummings

    Scott: Updike

    Mallory: Margaret *Atewood*

    Samson: Dean *Cunts*

    Lyle: [Correcting their pronunciation] Atwood and Koontz.

    Scott: Balzac.

  • Scott: I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!

  • Scott: Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!

    Truck Driver: Hello!

    Scott: [in German] My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.

    Truck Driver: [in German] German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in three days and I am wired on schnapps, benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.

    Cooper: What did he say?

    Scott: He said he's driving, something...

    Scott: [in German] Do you know where is Berlin?

    Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.

    Scott: Berlin!

    Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin! I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.

    Scott: He's going to Berlin.

    Jamie: Awesome.

    Truck Driver: [in German] Nowhere near Berlin.

    Scott: All right, come on, let's go.

    [the group get in the back of the truck]

    Truck Driver: [to self, in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.

  • Scott: Uh-oh.

    Jamie: What?

    Scott: Big tunnel.

    Creepy Italian Guy: [grins maniacally as the train drives into darkness]

    Jamie: [in the commotion] Scotty, is that you? WHO'S TOUCHING ME?

  • [after taking a drink of Absinthe]

    Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

    Cooper: Me neither.

    Scott: Sober as a judge.

    [to a hallucinatory green fairy]

    Scott: How about you?

    Green Fairy: I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!

  • Scott: [after being told they can get a flight to London] Anything else?

    Cooper: Europe is like the size of the Eastwood Mall. We can walk to Berlin from there.

    Scott: Cooper, England's an island.

    Cooper: OK, swim, whatever. We'll take it.

  • Cooper: [in London, answers his cell phone] Cooper here. Hello Mr. Walters. Uh, yes sir, I'm down in file storage. Oh, just hang on one second.

    [lowers phone, picks teeth, puts phone back to ear]

    Cooper: No, sir, I can't find the Goodwin file anywhere. Yes sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.

    [hangs up]

    Scott: You didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?

    Cooper: They would have stopped paying me. Seemed easier.

  • Scott: I told her to keep her hands off my genitals.

    Cooper: Well given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want

  • Scott: A dollar and 83 cents American. What are we gonna get with that?

    [cut to a lavish Slovak hotel]

    Scott: Gotta love that exchange rate!

  • Mad Maynard: If you're Manchester United supporters, sing the Manchester United song.

    Scott: Excuse me? I'm sorry. I'm not much of a singer...

    Mad Maynard: [slams a beer bottle on the floor] Sing!

    Scott: [sings] My baby takes the mornin' train. / He works from nine to five and then / he takes another home again to find me... watching the Manchester United Football Team! Ah? The best freakin' team in all the land! Woo hoo!

  • Cooper: You know America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright... which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.

    Scott: You've really thaught a lot about this, haven't you?

    Cooper: It's my passion!

  • Cooper: Hello Mr. Walters... I see... fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand... goodbye, sir.

    Scott: They had to catch you eventually.

    Cooper: No, they fired Humphrey.

    Scott: Shut up!

    Cooper: I got his office and a raise!

  • [last lines]

    Scott: [on the phone with Cooper and Jenny] Hold on, this must be my new roommate.

    [Scotty opens the door and finds Mieke standing there]

    Cooper: [yelling over the phone] What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? He better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?

    Scott: I just got your last email. What are you doing here?

    Mieke: Going to college.

    Scott: You're going to college here? What dorm?

    Mieke: This one. Room 2-1-4.

    Scott: How is this possible?

    Mieke: I guess they thought I was a guy.

    Scott: Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?

    [Scotty and Mieke kiss]

    Cooper: [over the phone] Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?

    [Scotty and Mieke fall on Scotty's bed laughing and continue to make out]

    Cooper: Scotty? Scotty? *Scotty*!

    Green Fairy: [Green Fairy appears] This happy ending is bullshit! When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here!

    [makes the words The End appear with his wand, flies away]

  • Jenny: Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.

    Scott: Well, that's very sweet of you. Thanks.

  • Mieke: Let us make love for one whole month. Touch me, Scotty.

    Scott: Ok!

  • Cooper: What the hell is that?

    Jamie: It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says as long as you have one of these, no-one can rob you of anything.

    Scott: Except your dignity.

    Jamie: No, you just put that in your... wait, what?

  • Scott: What happened to you last night?

    Jamie: I got robbed! It was awesome.

  • Scott: Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!

    Cooper: [singing] Oh we don't need no water, let the mother-...

    Scott: I'm not kidding! Look!

  • Scott: I'm in love with my pen pal! I'm in love with Mike!

    Cooper: Okay, okay. You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause, eh, I think they already know.

    Scott: No, you idiot, Mike is a girl!

    Cooper: No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right, right? That's hot. But, you know, whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.

  • Jamie: [pulls out Frommer's guide book] And I've even planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!

    Scott: You brought a guide book to a party?

    Jamie: You wanna see my itinerary?

    Cooper: You wanna see my balls?

  • Cooper: There's got to be a hundred drunk girls here, and we should be trying to have sex with every one of them!

    Jenny: Hello. Mixed company?

    Cooper: What?

    Jenny: I'm a girl.

    Scott: No, you're not.

    Cooper: Yeah, you're just a cool guy with long hair.

  • Cooper: Can we please just get out of here, this guy's really creeping me out.

    Scott: Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.

    Cooper: Hey, I really don't like him.

    Scott: Why, just because he's doing this?

    [starts acting like a robot making robot noises]

    Cooper: Seriously, don't do that.

    Scott: [in a robot voice] Cooper, do not hate me. I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...

    [Robot noises]

    Scott: Freaky.

  • Cooper: You still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German class.

    Scott: Yeah, it was at first, but you know, we're actually becoming pretty good friends. He's a really cool guy.

    [starts to type]

    Scott: Dear Mike, greetings from your American pen pal.

    Cooper: Scotty, girl scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a "cool guy" on the Internet? This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know he's gonna want to arrange a meeting, where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van and make a wind chime out of your genitals.

  • Scott: Which way did they go?

    Cooper: [pointing] That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.

    Scott: Good enough for me.

    [goes the other way]

  • Scott: What do you mean you're dumping me?

    Fiona: Scott, I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.

    Scott: What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you!

    Fiona: I know. That's what makes this so hard.

  • ScottCooper: [seeing Jamie and Jenny making out] Oh, my God!

    Green Fairy: That is some pretty fucked-up shit right there. Can you say what the fuck did I do last night?

  • [Cooper, in serious pain and humiliated from last night's BDSM "living nightmare", arrives to see both Scott and Jenny sitting on the bench and also humiliated from the incident at a bakery]

    Scott: What did you do last night?

    Cooper: I don't wanna talk about it. What did you guys do?

    ScottJenny: Don't wanna talk about it.

    Scott: [notices the Vandersexxx t-shirt] What is that?

    Cooper: Free t-shirt.

  • Scott: Excuse me.

    Mad Maynard: Hello boyo!

    Scott: So what the hell happened last night?

    Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son!

  • Scott: Mieke, I'm here!

    Mieke: [walks forward with a smile] Who are you?

  • Scott: What the fuck is a zussamen?

  • Scott: Why are you wearing my bathrobe?

    Bert: Oh, I'm sorry, but somebody *pissed* all over mine last night!

  • Cooper: Check this out! I'm the Pope!

    Scott: Cooper, take off the Pope hat!

    Cooper: Oh no, it's okay, I'm Catholic.

  • Scott: So, have you guys decided where you're gonna go first?

    Jenny: Paris! I can't wait. I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister Debbie met this really wealthy French guy, and they spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

    Cooper: Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a little gay.

    Jenny: It's not gay. I'm a girl.

    Scott: Kinda gay.

    Cooper: A little gay.

  • Scott: They really are the worst twins ever.

  • Scott: Hey, thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.

    Cooper: Oh, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me, I should be thanking you. This trip is a once in a life-time opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.

    Scott: What are you talking about?

    Cooper: I'm talking about crazy European sex.

    Scott: Ah.

  • Scott: There are so many... penises.

    Jamie: Frommer's tried to tell you. But you just didn't listen.

    Cooper: This is the biggest sausage fest on earth!

    Scott: It's the International House of Sausage!

  • Scott: Dear sweet mother of God... we're in Eastern Europe!

  • Scott: You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! You're a bad, bad Rastafarian.

    Rasta Waiter: These are not hash brownies.

    Scott: ...what was that?

    Rasta Waiter: We do not sell hash brownies here, we are simple Dutch bakery! Now put your clothes back on, white boy!

  • [repeated line]

    Scott: I am never drinking again.

  • Scott: Yeah... um, listen. We're trying to get to Berlin, Germany. Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?

    Tibor: Oh yes! Very soon! They are building it now!

  • Mad Maynard: Look given the current geopolitical climate, all European countries should have a seat at the table. Except those fucking Ities, I hate them Italian bastards, know what I mean.

    Scott: Excuse me.

    Mad Maynard: Hello boyo.

    Scott: So what the hell happened last night?

    Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce son. Don't worry I come and got ya so you wouldn't miss the trip.

  • Mad Maynard: Oi! This is a private members bar, exclusively for supporters of the greatest football team in the world, Manchester United, now please. Enlighten me.

    [shouting]

    Mad Maynard: Who the fuck are you?

    Scott: Um... we're the Manchester United Fan Club... from Ohio.

  • Scott: We're going to be couriers?

    Cooper: Best way to get a cheap flight. We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there. My cousin did it going to India.

    Scott: Yeah?

    Cooper: Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi, and they had to cut off his leg. Heh. But he got there cheap.

  • Kate: Oh, well before I say yes, how exactly did he get burned?

    Scott: Uh, well, that is open to interpretation... because he will say that it is my fault, but I clearly said..."Dear God, man, you're on fire. Run for your life."

    Kate: [sarcastically] A clear warning.

    Scott: Yeah.

  • John Tucker: So you're lab partners with Kate, right? We talk. What's her deal?

    Scott: Yeah, I don't know. I don't think she's your type.

    John Tucker: Girl is my type.

    Scott: Alright, well then maybe you're not her type. She's into stuff like old school Elvis Costello, she listens to obscure podcasts, she reads Dave Eggers. You know, she's deep, man.

    John Tucker: Dude, I'm deep. I'm dating the poetry club.

  • Kate: Where is everyone?

    Scott: [confused] You came early to detention?

    Kate: Oh. Well, I'd hate to miss a minute of being... detained.

  • Kate: Oh. You're the other Tucker?

    Scott: What is that? Is that like "the loser Tucker"?

    Kate: Oh, no, no. That's not what I meant. I just... you just don't look...

    Scott: Hot, buff, or capable of inciting an all-girl smackdown? No, you're right. Naw, it's-it's cool. I'll let you in on a secret, though. My mom, says I'm special on the inside.

    Kate: Good for you.

    Scott: Yeah.

  • Scott: You're perfect Kate... and so far not flammable.

  • Kate: Hydrogen and Oxygen walk into a bar and see Gold... they say Au, get outta the bar!

    Scott: Um...

    Kate: Because Au is the atomic symbol for Gold...

    Scott: [slightly irritably] Yeah I got it.

  • Kate: [referring to his lab partner Alex] How exactly did he get burned?

    Scott: There's indisputable evidence, that I might have caused the explosion... and actually, he will tell you that it's my fault... but clearly I said to him "Dear God, MAN, you are on fire... RUN for your life."

  • Scott: I don't think she's your type...

    John Tucker: Girl is my type!

  • Scott: I'll let you in on a little secret. My mom says I'm special on the inside.

  • Scott: Well, my mom says I'm special on the inside.

  • Roberta: Scott?

    Scott: Yeah?

    Roberta: If you tell anyone about this, especially your brothers, I'll beat the shit out of you.

  • Scott: Uh, Roberta, canIkissyou?

    Roberta: What are you mumbling?

    Scott: Uh, would it be all right... can I kiss you?

  • Scott: Roberta?

    Roberta: What?

    Scott: Why do you think we fight all the time?

    Roberta: Just something to do, I guess. Why?

    Scott: 'Cause... 'cause I think you are a real nice girl.

    Roberta: I always thought you hated me.

    Scott: So did I...

  • Rosa: So I am looking and I see a young woman, and it's de Sabrina. And she's talking. Who's she talking to? A man, but not her daddy because he's not as tall.

    Joanna: It was Linus. Sabrina went out with Linus.

    Rosa: It was Mr. Linus.

    Linda: Sabrina went out with Linus? That's too weird.

    Scott: I always thought that guy was gay.

    Rosa: Mr. Linus is not a gay.

    Joanna: It's not "a" gay, Rosa. It's just gay.

    Linda: Linus is gay? That makes me like him more.

    Fairchild: Linus Larabee is a heterosexual.

  • Scott: Oh, it's great! We just bought a house in Bucks county. I'm still doing stuff for Doctors Without Borders. Recently we took in some hurricane Katrina dogs. Oh, and I was in a bicycle accident that made my penis bigger.

  • Scott: We're telling a story. The rumba is the dance of love. Look at me like you're in love.

    [Fran follows this instruction perhaps a little too enthusiastically]

    Scott: That's it. Good.

  • [repeated line]

    Doug Hastings: Son, can I bend your ear for a tick?

    Scott: Not now, Dad.

  • Scott: I have to help Wayne with his bogo pogo.

  • Barry Fife: Where do you think we'd be if everyone went around making up their own steps?

    Scott: Out of a job.

  • Scott: Look, a beginner has no right to approach an Open Amateur.

    Fran: Yeah, well an Open Amateur has no right to dance non-Federation steps, but you did, didn't you?

    Scott: But that's different.

    Fran: *How* is it different? You're just like the rest of them! You think you're different, but you're not, because you're just, you're just really scared! You're really scared to give someone new a go, because you think, you know, they might just be better than you are! Well, you're just pathetic, and you're gutless. You're a gutless wonder! Vivir con miedo, es como vivir a medias!

  • Fran: What happened to a life lived in fear and all that stuff?

    Scott: Fran...

    Fran: You really are a gutless wonder!

    Scott: There's a reason for this.

    Fran: I don't want to hear!

    Scott: Listen to me!

    Fran: No!

    Scott: It's hard for me too, Fran.

    Fran: *Hard*? Hard? How hard do you think it's been for *me*? To get you to dance with me in the first place? Frangipannidellasqueegymop. Wash the coffee cups, Fran, how's your skin, Fran? Hard?

    Scott: You don't understand.

    Fran: I understand. You've got your Pan Pacifics to win, and I'm back in Beginners, where I belong.

  • Wayne: What's wrong with you?

    Scott: That's what I've been trying to find out for the last three weeks, Wayne! What is wrong with me? What is so wrong with the way I dance?

  • Shirley Hastings: And what about Les? He's taught you everything you know, and you're just throwing it back in his face!

    Scott: I'm bored with it!

    Shirley Hastings: I don't believe I'm hearing this! I've been with your father for twenty-five years! Do you think I get bored? Of course I do!

  • Shirley Hastings: [after berating Scott for leaving Tina hanging in order to find Fran] And what about Les? He's taught you everything you know and you're just throwing it back in his face!

    Scott: I'm bored with it!

    Shirley Hastings: I don't believe I'm hearing this! I have been with your father for twenty-five years - do you think I get bored? Of course I do!

  • Wayne: What the hell was that all about?

    Shirley Hastings: What?

    Wayne: You know, with Fran?

    Shirley Hastings: [uneasy laugh] Fran... Fran...

    Tina Sparkle: Fran? Wasn't she the girl that um...?

    Shirley Hastings: [laughs] Well, here we all are!

    [Scott approaches the group]

    Scott: Where is she?

    Shirley Hastings: Who?

    Scott: Fran.

    Shirley Hastings: Fran... Fran... Fran... who?

    Tina Sparkle: You know, the girl that fell.

    Shirley Hastings: Oh, she went home, darling. Don't worry about her!

  • Les: Come on now, Scott, Tina's waiting.

    Scott: You're all so scared, you wouldn't know what you thought!

    Terry: [to Les] Look, is he dancing with Tina or not?

    Scott: [to Tina] I'm sorry, Tina, I'm not available.

  • Scott: I'm just asking you what you think of the steps.

    Liz: I don't think! I don't give a shit about them, we lost!

  • Scott: Liz...

    Liz: Piss off!

    Scott: Liz!

    Liz: I'm not dancing with you, all right? I'm not dancing with you 'til you dance like you're supposed to!

  • Charlie: Neil doesn't believe in Santa.

    Scott: Well, Neil's head comes to a point.

  • Bernard: What's all this boo-hooin' going on here?

    [to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him]

    Bernard: Hey, how are you doing?

    Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.

    Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?

    Charlie: Yeah.

    Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad. He can come back to visit you anytime, day or night.

    Charlie: [his face lights up] Really?

    Bernard: Hey, have I ever steered you wrong?

  • Scott: [to a dog growling and baring its teeth at him] Nice teeth.

  • Laura: All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling. More of a state of mind than an actual person.

    Scott: Kind of like Neil.

  • Charlie: It's Santa! You killed him!

    Scott: Did not! And he's not Santa!

    Charlie: Well, he was...

  • Scott: Hey, kid, kid... who's in charge here?

    Larry the Elf: You are, and I'm not a kid, I have pointy SHOES that are older than you... I'm an elf.

  • Celeste: The tweens don't want her anymore, Scott. But the gays do! You're gay, start thinking gay! Ten percent of Americans are gay. Gay Izod! It's great, she can be Lady Gaga by this time next year. It's a huge market!

    Scott: Wow. You might have just turned the cock in the butt around.

  • Scott: "To catch a husband is an art. To hold him is a job." - Simone de Beauvoir.

  • Scott: I like a woman built for comfort, not for speed.

  • Scott: It is very clear that this guy is beyond lost and has no clue how to navigate his own actions.

    Sam: Uh...

    Scott: And what I like is he doesn't understand how the real world works...

    Alan: Right.

    Scott: ...and he's too afraid to show himself to the real world, and these are the seeds of his own undoing.

    Sam: Oh, I don't...

    Scott: He's a child. He's wandering alone in the woods... right?... Lost in the ether of his own neuroses. And this is powerful stuff.

    Alan: Yeah. He's saying you wrote the perfect pussy.

    Sam: The perfect pussy?

    Alan: Yeah, the perfect pussy.

    Scott: Now, around chapter 12... and I'm sorry to interrupt... but it's at this point in the story that it's pretty obvious that I completely side with the girl.

    Alan: See, for me, it's more around chapters 10 and 11.

    Sam: How can you say that? There's no real connection between them. It's not his fault.

    Alan: They were in love. He just wasn't cognizant enough to see it.

    Scott: Exactly, and now all she can do is accept the fact that he's completely inept.

    Alan: That's right. He had it. He lost it because he suffocated her with his own fear. In the end, I mean, it's obvious that it can only be one thing, and that's that he's destined to be alone. It's really honest, and it's really simple.

    Scott: Uh-huh.

    Alan: He's cut everyone out. He's gonna continue to do that. He's gonna get over his issues with his mom and all that stuff.

    Scott: He's gonna spend the rest of his life crippled by the fact that he wasn't able to show her love.

    Alan: And if he did wake up, it would be a lot of substances and a lot of years later.

    Scott: Mm-hmm.

    Alan: And at that point, she would have banged half of Manhattan, so he wouldn't want her anyway, so romance or no romance, it's... it's over with.

    Scott: Yeah.

  • Scott: Bear with me.

    Poppy: Is there? Where is he?

  • [repeated line]

    Scott: En-ra-ha!

  • Scott: The American dream never happened. The American nightmare is already here. I mean, look at the Washington Monument. It is 555 feet above the ground and 111 feet below the ground. 555 plus 111 is 666. 6-6-6, Poppy. 6-6-6

  • Scott: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

  • Scott: The education system in this country produces left-brain prisoners!

  • Poppy: Are you a Satanist, Scott?

    Scott: No... in fact, I'm exactly the opposite.

    Poppy: Are you the Pope, then?

    [laughs]

    Scott: It's the same thing.

    Poppy: Is it? Does he know that?

  • Scott: Every week I ask you, "Please wear appropriate footwear." And every week you insist on wearing those stupid boots.

    Poppy: Yeah, sorry about that.

    Scott: You know what this is? This is vanity before safety.

    Poppy: Oh, right.

    Scott: "I'm sorry, Mrs Jones, I'm sorry. Poppy killed your child, but don't worry, she looked really cool in her sexy, seductive boots."

    Poppy: Hmm, am I keeping you awake at night?

    Scott: No.

    Poppy: You sure about that?

  • Scott: What am I supposed to call you?

    Poppy: Oh how 'bout, Poppy?

    Scott: Poppy?

    Poppy: Yeah. No, whatever turns you on Scott, I don't mind.

  • Scott: Cheapness is relative.

  • [repeated line]

    Scott: Keep to the left of the center of the road.

  • [repeated line]

    Scott: Mirrors, signal, maneuver, En-ra-ha.

  • Scott: Now I'm going to take you to a spot we take all the learner drivers.

    Poppy: Are you now?

    Scott: And we are going to go through what we call the Cockpit Drill.

    Poppy: [glances down at Scott's lap] Oh, naughty.

    Scott: So, you're going to listen and take responsibility.

    Poppy: See what I can do.

  • Scott: Right, you see three mirrors: your two side-view mirrors and your rear-view mirror. They make a Golden Triangle.

    Poppy: Is that like the pubic triangle?

    Scott: It's a pyramid, and at the top of the pyramid, you see the all-seeing eye, Enraha. Can you repeat that, please? En-ra-ha.

    Poppy: Are you talking about the eye of Lucifer?

    Scott: No!

    Poppy: [laughing] 'Cause I don't know if I want to look in there, thank you very much.

    Scott: It's not Lucifer. There are two fallen angels before Lucifer. There is Enraha, Raziel and Lucifer.

    Poppy: Sorry, I don't have them in my phone book.

  • Scott: The teacher's job is to bring out good habits in the pupil and to get rid of bad habits. He does that through frequent repetitive thinking. And he does that by creating clear and distinct images that are easy for the pupil to retain.

    Poppy: Oh, does he, now?

    Scott: Yes.

    Poppy: [pointing to forehead] Don't worry, it's burnt in there, it's burnt in there.

    Scott: You see, you'll remember. You will remember Enraha till the day you die, and I will have done my job.

    Poppy: Why don't you have something nice up there, like a giant strawberry or something?

  • Scott: You know what it means when they express themselves?

    Poppy: Go on.

    Scott: How little do they know. How little do their mothers know.

    Poppy: Ooooh...

    Scott: And they smell.

    Poppy: It's not easy being you, is it, eh?

  • Scott: Okay Poppy, this is your third driving lesson.

    Poppy: I'm getting quite good, aren't I?

    Scott: No, you're not good. You're smug. You're too easily distracted. You're distracted by squirrels, by dogs, by children in the park, by old ladies in surgical stockings, by half-naked men in their gardens.

    Poppy: Oh well, he was quite fit, wasn't he?

    Scott: No, he wasn't fit, he had a paunch.

    Poppy: I didn't know you were checking it out so carefully, Scott, eh?

  • Scott: Do you remember the shape of the pyramid?

    Poppy: Enraha.

    Scott: No, Enraha is the eye at the top of the pyramid. I'm talking about the bottom of the pyramid.

    Poppy: Oh yah?

    Scott: Where those at the bottom of the pyramid in this world are kept in total ignorance of what those at the top of the pyramid are achieving.

    [reminding Poppy to check rear-view mirror]

    Scott: Enraha. Enraha.

    Scott: Where are you on the pyramid?

    Poppy: Me, I'm outside the pyramid and I'm looking in.

    Scott: Oh, of course you are.

    Poppy: But where are you... but where are you? That is more to the point. Where are you, and where are your children?

    Scott: That is the question, where are we all, eh?

  • Scott: The left brain is information, data. It's dead. The right brain is individuality. It's where the soul lies. And the education system, it works like this... "I will give you a world view. And if you repeat my world view, if you reconfirm my world view, you will pass your exams and you will go higher and higher and higher, and you will become a policeman, a magistrate, a lawyer, a general, a politician. And you will be happy and you will succeed. But if you think for yourself, if you think outside of the box, then you will be unhappy and you will fail. That's how the education system works. Left turn. Enraha. Signal. Enraha.

    Poppy: [silence, then contemplatively] Were you bullied at school, Scott?

  • Scott: You know, you can make jokes while you're driving, Poppy, but you will crash and you will die laughing.

    Poppy: Well, if you're going to go, it's the best way to go, I suppose. Are you scared of death, Scott?

    Scott: No, I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of dying. That's why I woke up.

    Poppy: Oh, when did you wake up?

    Scott: A long time ago.

    Poppy: Who set the alarm?

    Scott: I set the alarm. I opened my eyes, and I saw.

  • Scott: [agitatedly] Look, another camera, speed camera. Why do you need speed cameras? There's two guys at the back of the road there selling drugs, and you have a speed camera. Why do you need a speed camera?

  • Scott: If you don't pay attention, you're going to kill someone.

  • Scott: Witherspoon. Rushing as a senior, I see.

    Darryl: Hey, just trying to join the frat.

    Scott: Right on, have a seat. By the way, it's fraternity, not frat. You wouldn't call your country a...

    Darryl: Whoa! Not since the Bush years.

  • Darryl: Yo sir! Yo! Difference of opinion here.

    Economics Professor: Uh, Darryl. And we can do without the yo-ing.

    Darryl: What he's saying is let's help people by firing them. Now this seems to me, ebonically speaking, wack.

    Scott: Perhaps Darryl does have a special insight into the blue-collar or, should I say, hairnet mentality.

  • Scott: Looky, looky. Darryl sees a cookie.

  • Scott: I stole that money.

    Jack Lawrence: Okay.

    Scott: From drug dealers.

    Dale Putley: ARE YOU NUTS?

    Jack Lawrence: Hey calm down! Take it easy! Scott just give it back to them.

    Scott: I spent it.

    Jack Lawrence: YOU SPENT IT? HE SPENT MONEY FROM DRUG DEALERS!

    Dale Putley: Calm down, take it easy. Scott, you can't run from these guys. They'll find you. They'll come to your house, take all your money and then beat the shit out of you. Happened to me a few times.

  • Scott: Why are you doing this?

    Jack Lawrence: We're your fathers.

  • Scott: I feel like such a loser.

    Dale Putley: Come on, Scott, you're still young! Being a true loser takes years of ineptitude.

  • Scott: The money is safe. It's in a safe! It's at the hotel where I'm staying. I'll go get it.

    Lee: Um, do I have 'asshole' tattooed on my forehead for something? I think we all better go get it, eh? Now Scott, you're not bullshitting us are you? Because if you're bullshitting us, I'm gonna kill you.

  • Scott: [about pet frog] So what happened here?

    Charles: Sampson passed away.

    Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. That really sucks. How'd it happened?

    Charles: I'm in the middle of an investigation. Could be foul play.

  • Scott: Charles, I've spent the better half of the past 8 years in and out of hospitals.

    Charles: Are you a doctor?

  • Maria: You know you shouldn't smoke.

    Scott: Hell, cigarettes are the least of my problems.

    Maria: Yeah, what's your worst?

    Scott: My mouth.

  • Scott: There's more to life than getting straight A's.

  • Katherine: You know cooked tonight? I hadn't cooked in years.

    Scott: That means I'm a good influence.

    Katherine: No, you're *under* the influence.

  • Katherine: Why *do* you have a horse?

    Scott: This guy in Memphis owed me some money, I took the horse instead. It worked out well, 'cuz I got a couple of DUIs, and I can't operate anything with a key.

    Katherine: Hmm, maybe we'll lock our doors.

  • Scott: See, that was always her problem, always wanting to be in control. I have no control.

  • Katie O'Dare Scott: You mean you'd take another body, and with this body you'd make love to me?

    Scott: You bet I would! I mean... if it's possible.

    Katie O'Dare Scott: I don't know, Scott. That's kinky stuff. We've never been kinky.

  • Scott: I mean... he was my best friend.

    Kristin: But he wasn't your best friend. He was your oldest friend. There's a difference.

    Scott: I don't care what you call him. I knew Lumpy better than anyone.

  • Scott: [taking out cellphone] Hey, will you hold this? It's Lumpy's. Then we can make some calls, just let people know what happened.

    Kristin: [browsing through cellphone] There are only six numbers stored. Two of them are for pizza delivery.

  • Kristin: I assumed that the funeral would be after the honeymoon.

    Scott: You... you wanna postpone the funeral? Who postpones a funeral?

  • Scott: I know you never got Lumpy. Okay? Let's just be honest. You didn't want him to be my best man.

    Kristin: I didn't say that. What I said was, you two didn't spend much time together anymore.

    Scott: What does that mean? We're men. Men don't spend a lot of time together.

  • Roger: Could somebody please pass the Mrs. Dash? She might be hiding with Mr. Dash.

    Kristin: Oh, we don't know if there is a Mr. Dash, Dad. Maybe things didn't go too well after their wedding or something.

    Scott: Well, maybe Mr. Dash had some things on his mind, and things that he has to take care of.

    Kristin: I just wonder if Mr. and Mrs. Dash didn't go on a honeymoon and then after that, stop communicating.

    Scott: Maybe Mrs. Dash should stop feeling sorry for herself.

    Kristin: I think that Mrs. Dash is trying really hard and maybe feels under-appreciated.

    Scott: [raising voice slightly] Maybe Mrs. Dash should remember she's not the only spice in the spice rack.

  • Roger: [reminiscing about Lumpy] Boy looked like he was a lot of fun.

    Scott: He was a lot of fun, Roger. He wasn't a boy though. He was a man.

    Kristin: Of course he was a man.

    Scott: No, no, no. He was a real man. Just because he drank a little too much, and quit law school and he got fired from his job, it doesn't make him less of a man. 'Cause he was a man, Kris.

    Kristin: Okay. We understand and we know you're upset...

    Scott: [shouting] You asked me to pee sitting down!

    Kristin: I thought it would be a nice compromise.

    Scott: You wanted me to carry a purse, for Christ's sake.

    Kristin: Why would he carry a purse?

    Kristin: [raising voice] It was a man bag! And I was only pointing out that some men have found it efficient. They are in Europe mostly but...

    Scott: We don't live in Europe. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I mean. Lumpy kept it real. He was a man.

  • Kristin: You have to get your job back.

    Scott: I can't get my job back! I don't want to get my job back! Keep shafting me on commissions, and I'm done. That's what Lumpy would have done.

    Kristin: Oh, well, by all means let's follow Lumpy's example. What has he done? He dropped out of law school. He got fired for embezzlement. Now I think he's committed statutory rape!

    Scott: Stop it! Please don't. Just don't.

    [pause]

    Scott: You know how we could afford Mexico? Lumpy gave me the money. He got us a honeymoon, and I can't even get his funeral right.

  • Scott: [agitatedly] Of course it matters! What are you talking about?

    Kristin: He's gone, Scott.

    Scott: I know that. I just... Kris, he told a 15-year-old girl he was dying. He didn't tell me. I just wish he'd told me.

    [starts crying]

    Scott: I wish he'd told me.

  • Scott: We can drive you to Minneapolis but then, how you're gonna get back home?

    Ramsey: I don't know. I'd take the bus or something.

    Kristin: I think we should figure that out before...

    Scott: [reciprocating] Yeah

    Ramsey: [interrupting] I'm pregnant.

    [silence]

    Ramsey: It's Lumpy's.

    Kristin: [faces away] I knew it.

  • Scott: You guys are shit-faced.

    Ryan: [drunk] How dare... you.

    Mary: That is silly. I am sober as a fucking judge.

  • Mary: God damn it, Scott! No one wants to see it work out between you and Leslie more than Ryan and I. You are screwing it up!

    Scott: What am I screwing up?

    Ryan: You asked her to move in after two dates.

    Mary: Two!

    Ryan: Come on, man! Couldn't scare her away any faster if you told her if you were a Nazi sympathizer who's into fondling puppy balls!

    Mary: Or a chronic masturbater!

  • [Mary grabs Ryan's groin]

    Scott: Mary, come on!

    Mary: Come on, what? Want me to act like it's no big deal that my man's at half-mast? It is a big deal!

    Scott: We're just having some guy time, all right? He'll just keep it in his pants.

    Ryan: [high-pitch voice] Uh-huh.

    Scott: I promise.

    Ryan: And, um, if it's any consolation as you can see, I am completely flaccid now.

    Scott: We all are, Ryan. We all are.

  • Mary: [referring to Bar Patron] You have to get rid of him. He is trying to get into my pants!

    Scott: So? He's not going to. It's not like you're tempted to sleep with him or anything.

    Mary: I'm tempted to fuck his brains out. I'd fuck him, I fuck that guy, I'd fuck the guy doing air-guitaring back there. I can fuck everybody I can see right now 'cause I just want the chance to be with somebody else. This is the reason I cannot be trusted without Ryan around me at all times. Just once I want to be with another guy without Ryan in the room. Can you understand that? I'm sick of fucking the same person over and over and over and over again!

  • Scott: We have naked people giving us free food!

  • Scott: OK, Ralph, you know, I don't have to help you, but let me tell you something. If you flunk out and die in Vietnam, that's the end of our friendship, fuck you, you know.

  • Scott: I've already decided if nothing happens by the time I am 20, I'm gonna cut it off.

    Ralph: How ya going to pee there Scott?

    Scott: Sittin' down.

  • Scott: Hop in! We're not homosexuals or anything.

  • Coach Heart: You boys aren't working at the pool this summer?

    Scott: No, we're going on the road. That's what hippies do ya' know.

  • Buddy Amaral: Where's your mom?

    Scott: She's in the bathroom. She's been in there since Rosie.

    Buddy Amaral: Why? Who was on Rosie?

  • Scott: Hey, um, listen, I-I really appreciate the motel room. It's really not my style to let the female pay and I... I don't want you to think that I just use you or... or anything.

  • Scott: You know, when they let me out of the hospital, they said Lieutenant your wounds are all healed - you're sound in body and mind. But, my head is - ! Well, let's face it, I'm not well!

  • Scott: [Admiring the paintings] These must be worth a fortune now that you're...

    [Scott hesitates to say 'blind.']

    Tod: Since you're convinced I'm blind, go ahead... say it, but you're right. Now that I can't paint anymore, this stuff of mine gets more valuable every day. There's an old saying in my trade: a man never gets rich until he's dead. I assure you a blind painter's just the same as a dead man.

  • Scott: What do you mean about - ghosts?

    Peggy: I was merely suggesting you might be afraid of them.

  • Peggy: You even looked at me as if I were a ghost.

    Scott: Well, what are you, anyway?

  • Scott: The hard thing, I guess, is to - know yourself.

    Peggy: Yes, that is difficult. Anyway, what's the use?

  • Scott: Give in? What happens to you?

    Peggy: You find a kind of peace. You don't care anymore.

  • Peggy: Have you ever had everything and suddenly had nothing? Nothing but ghosts? Oh, why should I bore you with this.

    Scott: You're not! I think I understand. We're pretty much alike, aren't we?

    Peggy: Yes. Yes, perhaps we are.

    Scott: You're the first one who seems to know what I feel.

  • Scott: Do you love him?

    Peggy: Love him? I hate him.

  • Eve: Do I have to pay this invoice to get the ten day discount or do I wait for the statement at the end of the month?

    Scott: Well, you wouldn't expect a - beach cowboy like me to know much about invoices, would you?

  • Scott: You know, you people are all trying to take care of me, but nobody tries to understand what - Well, you think I'm sick? That's it, isn't it?

  • Scott: You're pretty well acquainted with this house, aren't you?

    Peggy: Oh, I've been here before. Such a lovely place - a canary and everything. So domestic and - so dull.

  • Scott: Answer me Peggy, was there anything between you and Bill?

    Peggy: Oh, for heaven's sake, Scott, what of it? You're not my husband.

    Scott: Peggy, you're nothing but a...

    Peggy: Go on. Say it - I'm a tramp. You're just finding that out?

  • Scott: You know, I don't understand much about paintings.

    Tod: There's nothing to understand! It hasn't anything to do with the brain - its the eye. A painting's like a woman - she either thrills you or she doesn't.

    Scott: Well, in that case, its easy.

  • Tod: You know, I never really started to paint well until just before the lights went out. But, I think this is one of my best. There's something about the effects of the hair and the skin texture. Of course, nudes were never my strong suit; but, here I had a particularly beautiful subject. As you can see, this is a portrait of Peggy.

    Scott: Why, excuse me Tod, I-I think you have the wrong painting. This is a picture of some roses and a newspaper.

  • Terri: [to Scott who stepped into a trap] Don't go anywhere.

    Scott: Very funny.

  • [Scott steps into snare and ends up hanging]

    Scott: AAAH! Help!

    [Teri watches, shocked, as Scott swings back]

    Scott: Goddamn that Paul, him and his wilderness bullshit!

  • Scott: Okay, who lives here?

    Carly: I don't know, but can you help me find the bathroom?

    Scott: Baby, I think this is the bathroom.

  • [Scott pretends to fall]

    Carly: That is not funny.

    Scott: Look's who scared now... Sorry.

    Carly: Whatever. Just get me to a motel room, run me a very hot bath and be prepared to provide me with a lot of orgasms.

    [Jessie and Chris start laughing]

    Chris: I think they need to be alone.

  • Chris: Let's make this quick.

    Scott: Actually, maybe we should keep walking.

    Carly: What, the next house is gonna have a white picket fence?

    Scott: If there is a next house.

  • Carly: [looking at the room where the inbreds' victims' belongings are] God, look at this place.

    Scott: Yeah, it's like the garage sale from hell.

  • Evan: Okay, you guys go, and we'll just stay here, Francine and...

    Scott: And get high.

    Evan: Yeah... so?

  • Jessie: [Chris opens the screen door of a house] Hey, hey, hey. What're you doing?

    Chris: I was gonna see if they had a phone. I mean, you guys can wait out here if you want.

    Jessie: You can't just go barging into someone's house like that.

    Scott: Yeah, 'cause, you know, I'm just thinking West Virginia, trespassing, not a great combination.

    Carly: Look, I need to pee.

    Scott: Well, I need to remind you of a little movie called Deliverance.

  • Scott: Carly, Carly, Carly, sweet pea, look at me. We are gonna get out of this, I swear to you, we are. Okay? We're gonna find a road, we're gonna get to a town, and we're goin' home. And we're gonna get married. All right? And we are never going into the woods again.

  • Scott: We are never going into the woods again!

  • Scott: WAZZUP, MOTHERFUCKERS! ASSHOLES!

  • Carly: I think if you ever want to get in my pants again...

    Scott: Affirmative.

    Carly: ...this is the last time you use the "e" word. Okay?

  • Donna Gardner: [inside the security office] Wanna see panic?

    [over the intercom while watching her friends swim in the pool]

    Donna Gardner: This is the police! We have you surrounded! Please come out with your hands up and your pants down!

    Scott: [on the intercom] Hello, this is your camp director. Jeff, quit pissing in the pool.

  • Scott: The Puddle! *The puddle*!

  • Scott: [after busting out of a frozen pool and running face first into plate glass window] Donna?

    Bruce Gardner: Scott?

    Scott: Donna!

    Bruce Gardner: Scott!

    Scott: They... They've got Donna!

    Bruce Gardner: Who's got Donna?

    Scott: They've got Donna and...

    Bruce Gardner: What are you saying?

    Scott: ...and Carol Anne!

    Bruce Gardner: Who's got Carol Anne?

    Scott: ...They've got 'em.

    Bruce Gardner: WHO DAMMIT WHO!

  • Scott: [searching through a pit full of decomposing bodies] I think I'm gonna barf.

    Kim: Not in front of them news assholes. Far side of those trees.

  • Kim: [finding a pit full of decomposed bodies] It's like them body pits we found up near Dong Tre... Just counting skulls, I'd say we're looking at 40 to 50 bodies here.

    Scott: Jesus. This is fucked.

  • Scott: Don't do that you remind me of my brother

  • Corey: It won't let me leave

    Scott: He says it won't let him leave

  • Scott: Well they're not the best housekeepers

    Chris: You saw what they did too his arm... well multiply it times your body

  • May West: Jesus. You know if you guys spent half the time studying instead of setting up these stunts, we'd all be graduating with honors.

    [walks away]

    Scott: What a little twat. We should have left her behind.

    Peter Bennett: Why? Her behind is the best part. We should have kept her behind and left the rest of her.

  • Scott: Now the fun begins.

  • [last lines]

    Scott: Cut the bullshit, Peter.

  • Scott: [to James] You need to get a hair cut. You look like Ringo Starr's testicle.

  • Tim: God, I'd like to fuck up that kid's day.

    Scott: I'd like to drive a chainsaw right through his face.

  • Scott: That's Rod's seat.

    Heather: I don't seen him setting in it, do you?

    Scott: Just don't be sitting in it when he gets back, that's all.

    Heather: You really are scared of him, aren't you?

    Scott: I'm not scared of him!

  • Scott: I've got powers. Rod's given me powers of a vampire and stuff, and... I am not scared of anything!

    Heather: I can feel your powers weakening.

    Scott: My powers aren't weakening.

    Heather: I am draining you of your powers.

    Scott: Whatever, your don't know what you're talking about... And another thing - - What the fuck are you doing?

    Heather: What the fuck does it look like? I'm going home!

  • Scott: Pay attention kiddies 'cause your about to get a lesson from the master.

    Matt: Masterbater maybe!

    Scott: Hell yeah... three times a day!

  • Scott: Dude, no woman on earth likes Rush.

    Charlie Russell: Fuck you man! My mom loves Rush!

  • Ben Caruso: I need you to do a little poking around.

    Scott: That's my speciality.

  • Scott: This place is decently packed in the summer, but now, it's all ours.

  • Scott: Sober up and drink a beer like a god-damn American!

  • Scott: [in limerick verse] Dinner was served for three, at Dracula's House by the sea. The hors d'oeuvres were fine, but I choked on my wine, when I found out the main course was me!

  • Scott: I intend on having my 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' doing everything I so choose.

  • Scott: I, my friends, have found the secret of true happiness.

    Patrick: Oh, really? And what might that be?

    Scott: Death.

Browse more character quotes from Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

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