Schoolteacher Quotes in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

Reese Bobby: [walks into the classroom] Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.

10-year-old Ricky: Dad!

Reese Bobby: Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?

10-year-old Ricky: Ten years.

Reese Bobby: Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.

[puts a cigarette in his mouth]

Schoolteacher: Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.

Reese Bobby: Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist.

Classmates: OOOOHHHH!

Reese Bobby: And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.

Schoolteacher: Okay, I think that's enough.

Reese Bobby: Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.

[classmates all cheer]

Schoolteacher: Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?

10-year-old Ricky: No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.

[classmates laugh at what Ricky said]

Schoolteacher: Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan.

10-Year-Old Cal: Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.

10-year-old Ricky: Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.

Waffle House Manager: [it's career day at Ricky's school and a girl is introducing her father] I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here to talk to y'all about my day-to-day. And, y'all, that's pretty much, in a shell what it's like to manage a Waffle House. Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them. And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at.

Schoolteacher: Okay, let's give him a round of applause. Thank you.

Schoolteacher: Mrs. Delle Rose. I don't understand how a woman that acts like you could have such a sweet and refines young girl for a daughter.

Schoolteacher: Miss Flagg, I represent 100,000 young matrons. We switched a whole study course from the menace of Communism to the inspiration of Hazel Flagg.

Schoolteacher: You spell "Needle"!

Oliver: [pause] N-E-I-D-L-E.

Schoolteacher: There is no "I" in needle!

Stanley: Then it's a rotten needle.

Schoolteacher: Now, what is a comet? You!

Prisoner: A comet. A comet is a star with a tale on it.

Schoolteacher: Right.

[points to Stan]

Schoolteacher: Name one.

Stanley: Rin Tin Tin.

Schoolteacher: D'oh!

Schoolteacher: We will now have the roll call. Those that are here will answer "present". Those that are not here will say "yes."

Schoolteacher: We shall now have an intelligence test. Who was Columbus?

Prisoner: The mayor of Ohio.

Schoolteacher: [pause] What did he do?

Insurgent Convict: He died.

Schoolteacher: Well, of course he died. Who killed him?

The Tiger: Cock Robin.

Schoolteacher: Who said *that*?

The Tiger: I did.

Schoolteacher: [pause] Correct.

Schoolteacher: What is a blizzard?

Stanley: A blizzard? A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard.

Schoolteacher: Fresh, huh?

Schoolteacher: How many times does three go into nine?

Stanley: ...Three times.

Schoolteacher: Correct.

Stanley: And two left over.

Schoolteacher: [nods; Ollie begins to giggle] What are you laughing at?

Oliver: There's only one left over.

Schoolteacher: D'oh!

Schoolteacher: [watching a Nazi bookburning] I'm writing a novel myself. I'd be very disappointed if you gentlemen don't burn it.