Saul Quotes in Pineapple Express (2008)

Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here!

Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Okay... Uhh let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.

Saul: Wait...! What do you mean, it's dead?

Dale Denton: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead!

Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery's dead?

Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.

Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?

Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-...

Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio?

Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio.

Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide.

Saul: Fuck the po-lice!

Saul: BFFF?

Dale Denton: Best Fuckin' Friends Forever, man!

Saul: I wish I had a job like that. Where I could just sit around and smoke weed all day

Dale Denton: Hey you do have that job. You do sit around and smoke weed all day.

Saul: Hey you're right. Hey thanks man.

Saul: This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had - and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked - this would the shit that they birthed.

Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.

Saul: [talking about Pineapple Express] It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.

Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend... you didn't say anything back.

Dale Denton: Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn't sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn't be here right now. I would be fantastic!

Saul: Oh.

Dale Denton: I'm sorry, that sounded really mean... just to hear that, that sounded really mean.

Saul: No, I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now!

Dale Denton: What? That's not even... a figure of speech.

Saul: Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out.

Dale Denton: [talking about his girlfriend] I go visit her in high school and all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and handsome and really, like, funny and do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and shit like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb fuckin' stinky-ass turd when I'm there.

Saul: What?

Dale Denton: It sucks for my ego.

Saul: Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man!

Saul: What's down there, a fucking Rancor?

Saul: Enjoy your last meal.

[throws bills at Dale]

Saul: Here, supersize it, bitch.

[throws change]

Dale Denton: [while hiding in the woods, on the run from Ted's henchmen] Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?

Saul: Um... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas...

Dale Denton: I'm just - I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.

Saul: Thank you.

Dale Denton: Not a compliment.

Saul: Holy cock!

Saul: There's a fly in the ointment, shits hittin' the fan, the lion will speak!

Dale Denton: In case you haven't noticed - which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever - we are not very functional when we're high.

Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that?

Dale Denton: Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit!

Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home.

Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.

Saul: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?

Saul: [quoting 227] I thought hurricane season was over!

Saul: What's up with the suit?

Dale Denton: Oh, I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit.

Saul: Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur?

Dale Denton: No, no. What? No, I'm not like-...

Saul: Shine shoes?

Dale Denton: I'm a *process server*!

Red: Do you know what today is?

Saul: Tuesday.

Red: This is my cat's birthday today.

Dale Denton: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?

Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy?

Dale Denton: I'm sorry?

Red: Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert.

Saul: Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven.

Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.

Saul: [Saul talking to Red on the phone] Well be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.

Saul: I think we should stay!

Dale Denton: Why?

Saul: ...Cause I'm in the dumpster already!

Dale Denton: What the fuck is this thing?

Saul: Ah. Cross joint.

Dale Denton: Yeah.

Saul: You ever smoke one of those?

Dale Denton: You can SMOKE this?

Saul: Hell yeah, man!

Dale Denton: No.

Saul: This. Is. The future, this is like the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one - the guy who, uh, designed the Golden Gate Bridge. My second favorite civil engineer behind Hannskarl Bandel: Madison Square Garden... What you do is you light all three ends at the same time...

Dale Denton: Really?

Saul: and then the smoke converges, creating a TRIFECTA of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future. That - future...

Saul: Hey, look: it's like my thumb is my cock.

Dale Denton: That's not gonna get us a ride, man.

Red: You don't think I can handle danger?

Dale Denton: What are you talking about?

Saul: You can.

Red: I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this.

[He shows them his shaved armpits]

Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro.

Dale Denton: What's the significance of that?

Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.

Dale Denton: I'm gonna get us out of here!

Saul: No, you're not. But it's okay.

Saul: Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind.

[he lights a joint and inhales]

Dale Denton: It's really that rare?

Saul: [exhales] It's, like, the rarest.

[he examines the joint]

Saul: It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.

Saul: [as he is just about to punch Carol in the face] You're in the jungle now, Baby!

Saul: When my foot was in the hole - and my groin - man, I felt like a wishbone.

Dale Denton: Hey, man, what happened to your lip?

Saul: Yeah... it looks like you've been crying or something...

Red: Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried.

Saul: Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like... herpes?

Red: Yes, that's what it means. I have herpes.

Saul: Herpes... Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we've shared?

Red: Yes, I know, I'm a disgusting person.

[Dale walks in unexpectedly]

Dale Denton: Hello? Hey, man.

Saul: What the fuck? I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did you get in here?

Dale Denton: Oh, shit, some guy with a faux 'hawk let me in. He was leaving when I was-...

Saul: Fuckin' Kyle, man?

Dale Denton: It might've been Kyle.

Saul: That asshole.

Dale Denton: I'm sorry.

Saul: What the fuck's the buzzer for, anyway?

Dale Denton: I don't know. I'm sorry about that. I don't know your protocol yet.

Dale Denton: He fucking killed him!

Saul: Who killed who?

Dale Denton: A cop, a lady, and a guy!

Saul: A cop, a lady, and a guy, man? That's like a massacre. You saw it?

Dale Denton: No, it was just a guy!

Saul: What happened to the lady?

Saul: You lied to me.

Red: I did. I lied big time to you.

Saul: Dale said that that you didn't even have herpes, and I said that you did.

Red: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do.

Saul: I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you.

Red: I wanna be inside you, homes.

Saul: No more lies, Red.

Red: This is my moment.

Saul: This is your moment.

[Carol shoots Red]

Dale Denton: You killed my ear!

Matheson: You shot me!

Dale Denton: I didn't do that!

Matheson: HE shot me!

Dale Denton: You shot him?

Saul: nods his head

Matheson: Get your hands off me!

Saul: Shut up! we've had enough of you!

Matheson: I'm not your friend!

Saul: I'm cold...

Dale Denton: You're cold? Oh, I'm not cold at all. Here...

[he starts to take off his coat]

Dale Denton: ... I run hot.

Saul: Really?

Dale Denton: Yeah.

Saul: You got more...

Dale Denton: Thick blood.

Saul: ...body.

Matheson: You know you gonna die right?

Saul: [sadly] Yeah...

Matheson: I'm gonna kill the fuck out you... I hope you enjoy these last... 17 minutes of your life... cause when Ted gets here, he's gonna be like, 'Kill that motha fucker, kill that motha fuckin ass'... watch your head!

Saul: A dude, a lady, and a cop? That like a massacre, man!

Saul: Man, why'd we have to go to the woods?

Dale Denton: Well you didn't come up with any ideas!

Saul: Yeah, I came up with two! Nowhere and Quizno's.

Dale Denton: Oh, wow, you got a cute picture.

Saul: Oh, yeah, me and my bubbeh. Hey, let me ask you something. Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to? Like euthanasia?

Dale Denton: Like on her?

Saul: If I needed to.

Dale Denton: Um... I'm kind of in a hurry, man. I don't know if we should start going down that road. I could talk all day about euthanasia. Don't get me started.

Saul: Well, save it!

Dale Denton: We'll save it for next time. We'll keep it going.

Saul: I wish we could just go nowhere.

Red: [Red wakes up and is taped to a chair] Hey, what's up, dudes?

Dale Denton: What's up? Tell us everything now!

Saul: Talk, Red.

Red: I'm gonna flex and bust out of here.

[Red tries to bust out]

Saul: Trapped.

Dale Denton: It's not happening, Red.

Red: Okay, I'll talk. Um, Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach. He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson. Two real big son of a bitches. They're basically out to kill you guys, and they're gonna kill me, too, unless I turn y'all over. So you guys are basically fucked.

Saul: You still got that bong I got you when I was in Tel Aviv?

Red: Hell yeah, Bong Mitzvah! Hit it up, dude!

Saul: Relax, man, just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to man.

Dale Denton: It's really that rare?

Saul: It's like the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like... killin' a unicorn... with, like, a bomb...

Dale Denton: Are you the only guy in town who has this? You're actually the only guy?

Saul: Yeah. My guy Red said he was givin' me an exclusive sneak preview.

Dale Denton: And am I the only guy who you sold it to; the other guys got snicklefritz?

Saul: Yeah. So *we're* like the only guys...

Dale Denton: And Red got this from Ted?

Saul: Ted's the man.

Dale Denton: ...Let's get the fuck outta here, man! Go! Go! Let's go!

Saul: What?

Dale Denton: Let's go! Go!

Saul: Why?

Dale Denton: Because! I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house!

Saul: So what, man? I throw roaches all over the fuckin' town...

Dale Denton: No! No, no! He could find the roach and say it's Pineapple Express in here! SAUL! He's the only guy who HAS Pineapple Express! He must've seen the murder or know - let's fuckin' kill him!

Saul: Oh, fuck!

Dale Denton: Let's get outta here! Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop! Get weed! Get the weed!

Saul: Okay.

Dale Denton: Anything we might need: snacks, food, fruit roll-ups! Let's get the fuck outta here!

Saul: You know, don't get down on yourself: You got a great girl, you got a great job whete you don't go anything, you get to smoke weed all day... I wish I had that...

Dale Denton: Are you kidd - you do, you have the easiest job on Earth. You DO smoke weed all day.

Saul: ...Hahaha, that's true!

Dale Denton: You didn't think of that, huh?

Saul: I do have a good job...

Dale Denton: Yeah, you do nothing!

Saul: Thanks, man!

Dale Denton: No problem.

Saul: Thank you.

Saul: Herpes is for life, bro!

Red: Yeah, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. I've been takin Vicodin; that really doesn't take down the swelling, though.

Saul: It's from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch! You wanted to do it!

Saul: Out of her vagina, I know! Remember what you did? What'd you do?

Red: Nothing.

Red: You ate a box of Nerds outta her butt-hoooole.

[Saul throws his cell phone into the woods after suggesting that they can be traced]

Dale Denton: Whoa! What the fuck was that?

Saul: I was trying to hit that tree. I missed.

Dale Denton: What tree?

Saul: That one.

Dale Denton: Why didn't you smash it on a rock like a normal person like I did?

Saul: I don't know! How often does somebody smash things? I'm rusty, fuck.

Dale Denton: Oh, man, did you at least see where it landed?

Saul: I don't know. Just call it.

Dale Denton: Call it? With what? My phone has been smashed!

Saul: [pauses] Y'know, I bet they can't even triangulate those things.

Dale Denton: Well, you shouldn't have said anything, because now you convinced me they can! You were very convincing back there!

Saul: Okay, okay. Fine, I'll go find it. Fuck.

Dale Denton: Do you see it?

Saul: See what?

Dale Denton: The phone, you idiot!

Dale Denton: I'm here to save my best friend... I've got an idea! Rub your wrists against my belt buckle!

[Saul does. It looks like humping]

Dale Denton: I'm gonna save you, man!

Saul: [Grinds against Dale] Yeah! Yeah!

Dale Denton: Let me save you!

Saul: Smell it. SMELL it! Enjoy. It's like... God's vagina!

Dale Denton: Uhhh!

Saul: What, do you wanna bathe in it?

Dale Denton: I just want to live in here!

Saul: Yes, you wanna be it?

Dale Denton: Oh, my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day. That's amazing! It's beautiful!

Saul: Shove it anywhere you like!

Dale Denton: What's it called?

Saul: Pineapple Express.

Saul: Yeah I know where he lives, what are you insinuating, that I'm forgetful?

Dale Denton: [surprised and slightly impressed] Insinuating...

Saul: Yeah you know what that means? It means like...

Dale Denton: I do what that means actually.

Saul: ...to seem like.

Saul: [getting ready to smoke cross joint] Okay here's what you do. You equip yourself...

Dale Denton: I'm equipping! Equip me, sir!

Saul: What you do... is you light all three ends at the same, and the smoke converges, creating a *trifecta* of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future, that future.

Red: [underneath a door] TIME OUT! Time out!

Saul: [stops jumping on the phone] Okay, truce.

Red: Time in! Fuck you!

Saul: CHEATER!

Red: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Saul: [after Red tosses an ashtray, frisbee style, at Dale's head] Holy cock!

Dale Denton: [to Red] Fuck you!

Matheson: You know you gonna die, right?

Saul: Yeah.

Matheson: I'm gonna kill the fuck out of you! I hope you enjoy these last seventeen minutes of your life.

Saul: Oh, sick! You threw up on my printer!

Dale Denton: I did.

Saul: You break it?

Dale Denton: I hope not.

Saul: [Reaches for Dale's hand, trying to pull him into the air vent] Give it to me!

Dale Denton: Come on!

Saul: Be taller!

Dale Denton: [Gives up] Be stronger!

Budlofsky: [Matheson punches Saul] Stand back! Ted wants him alive!

Matheson: Why're you holding me back?

Budlofsky: Ted wants him alive, okay?

Matheson: I should be kicking his fucking teeth in!

Budlofsky: If anybody's gonna beat him up, it's gonna be Ted.

Matheson: I look like Hamburglar! And the Elephant Man!

Saul: You look like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot, man!

Budlofsky: Professional. Professional.

Saul: Professional on this, bitch!

Matheson: [to Saul] Whatever, man.

[to Budlofsky]

Matheson: And where were you?

Budlofsky: I was there!

Matheson: You're supposed to be my partner!

Budlofsky: I was there!

Matheson: No, you wasn't there! How did this happen, then?

Saul: He's got good reflexes, man.

Saul: [Red throws ashtray at Dale's face] Holy cock!

Dale Denton: Fuck you!

[runs away]

[Matheson kills Budlofsky for refusing to refusing to shoot Saul when he had the chance]

Matheson: I knew you were going soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole!

Saul: Fucked up, man.

Matheson: [Points his gun at Saul] Well looky here, Mr. Forges. Wussup, Saul?

Saul: Look, I didn't want to hit you, man...

Matheson: SHUT THE FUCK UP! You think you was gonna get me, motherfucker? Huh? You need to set your little sexy ass down and watch yourself get killed now!

Saul: Alright! You know what, if this is how it's gonna be, alright. Silence!

[Red drives his car into the barn, killing Matheson]

Saul: [both are running away, Saul jumps into nearby dumpster] Hey, in here!

Dale Denton: [comes to a surprised stop] What? WHOA! I gotta get to a phone, man, COME ON!

Saul: [tired] Why?

Dale Denton: Why? Why, look! OK, if Red tells Ted's guys about

[pants]

Dale Denton: my name, They'll go to my apartment,

[pants]

Dale Denton: And there, I have Angie's name!

[flailing arms]

Dale Denton: And they could put that all together, and they'll find us, Let's go!

Saul: [still tired, realizing that he's dirty] No, no. I think we should stay.

Dale Denton: [mad] WHY?

Saul: 'Cause I'm in the dumpster already!

Dale Denton: [mad still] Well, then get out!

[smells Saul and the dumpster]

Dale Denton: Ughh!

Saul: [giving 3 schoolboys some pineapple express] But don't call it that. Call it... Banana Boat.

Saul: [giving 3 schoolboys pineapple express] If anyone asks, you got it from Sau - -I mean... Santiago and... Dunbar.

Robert: Get the FUCK out of my car, I can't believe you'd even think that would be an option.

Saul: We gotta get away from the bad guys!

Dale Denton: No, no, he's right. Come on, let's go.

[Dale and Saul start to get out of the car]

Saul: The hell?

Saul: [Red spits in Saul's eye] HERPES!

Red: [smacks Saul with dustbuster and beats him on the ground] You brought the devil into my house!

Saul: [confused as to why Red is hitting him] We're friends!

Red: I know we are, that's what SUCKS!

Saul: Are you on that meth shit again?

[screams to Dale]

Saul: Dale, he's hurting me!

[last lines]

Saul: He was so strong. Why did he have to die?

Miriam: His strength will never die, Saul. Men will tell his story for a thousand years.

[first lines]

Saul's guard: The king cannot speak with you now. He is engaged in the affairs of state.

Samuel: Since when have the affairs of state taken precedence over the affairs of God?

[shoves his way past and enters Saul's throne room]

Saul: ...Samuel. We welcome you. With God's blessing, our victory is complete.

Samuel: Is THIS how you show Him your gratitude... by robbing the Amalekites of their women and cattle? By holding their king in chains?

Saul: We were discussing a possible treaty. The king is to be ransomed...

Samuel: A *treaty?* *Ransom?* Saul, for this you have betrayed your own soul in the sight of God. His instructions were plain enough: "... Spare nothing from the sword."

[beheads the Amalekite king]

Samuel: ... When our tribes clamored for a king, to make us like other nations, I answered them: "We are not like other nations. The Lord of Hosts is both our God and our King." The people said, "We want a king we can see. We want a king of our own flesh and blood."

[holds up the severed head]

Samuel: Here are your kings of flesh and blood. Here is a king you can see.

[throws the head at Saul's feet]

Saul: [over the defeated Goliath] An entire army at my command. Yet it takes a shepherd boy to wipe out our disgrace.

Saul: [to David, when they first meet] Have you seen Him? Face to face? I saw Him... once. He smiled on me, too. But at daybreak He was gone.

Jonathan: ...Is Israel governed by a king, Father, or by the whims of a senile old prophet?

Saul: You cannot have the one without the other.

Jonathan: And who's to say that Samuel is not a false prophet?

Saul: If Samuel is a false prophet, I'm a false king. It was Samuel who annointed me, even as he has rejected me.

Jonathan: The people still look to you as their king, Father. They have not rejected you.

Saul: ...What was his name? The man who wrestled with me until daybreak.

Abner: What man, My Lord?

Jonathan: It was only a dream, Father.

Saul: Well, if it was a dream, send in my musician; let me dream on.

Saul: ...Hear how Jonathan warbles in praise of the cuckoo bird, David, who has fed from my table and now lies with my daughter... David has robbed me of my God, my people, even my children. What else can he take but my crown...? So long as David lives, neither I nor Jonathan nor the throne shall be safe... Samuel anointed him in my place! David! The boy I trusted and loved as my own son.

Jonathan: Then be glad of it! Give thanks that the future of Israel belongs to a man worthy of your love.

[Saul throws a javelin, just missing him]

Saul: [at Nob, shortly after David has escaped] Abner, I want these priests killed, one by one, until their high priest "remembers" where David is, or is going. Then the killing will stop.

Abner: No soldier would carry out such an order. These priests...

Saul: THESE PRIESTS are maggots! In carrion! Fattening themselves on the offerings people give to the Lord! They are traitors, every one of them! And so is any soldier who refuses to obey the king's command.

[He runs his javelin through one soldier who couldn't bring himself to slay the priests]

Saul: Will no one obey the king?

[Another soldier volunteers]

Saul: It takes a gentile to obey.

[the second soldier kills several priests, but still no one "remembers" David's whereabouts, so Saul kills the high priest with his javelin]

Jonathan: [shortly before Saul's last stand at Mount Gilboa] David is not among the enemy, Father. It's not your honor that's at stake. It's the lives of our men.

Saul: I will ride out against the Philistines. If I ride alone, so be it.

Nathan: [rallying the Israelite troops while preparing to offer a sacrifice] Rouse yourselves in anger! Lay nations at our feet! Whet your flashing swords! Make your arrows drunk with blood!

Saul: [cutting in] My Lord, *I* am your sacrifice.

Nathan: This day, you will surely die.

Saul: Then my prayer will be answered at last.

Nathan: The Lord scorns your prayers. He has utterly rejected you.

Saul: And Samuel, too. And Abraham and Isaac and Jacob! Even David will be forsaken at the end, for in death, we are all cut off from God's care. What purpose, then, in serving Him? He wrestles with man for the nighttime of his life, but at daybreak, He is gone.

[calling out]

Saul: Who marches with the king and his sons?

Saul: A man has the right to change his name to vatever he vants to change it to. And if a man vants to be called Muhammad Ali, godammit this is a free country, you should respect his vishes, and call the man Muhammad Ali!

Morris: His mamma call him Clay, imma call him Clay.

Saul: Then you're a putz. All of you are putzes. They should change the sign outside from My-T-Sharp to 'ze Three Putzes.

Saul: [interrupts the end credits] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait, stop right there. Listen. Stop right there a minute. A man goes into a restaurant. You listenin'? A man goes into a restaurant. He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter; "Waiter, come taste the soup." Waiter says; "Is there something wrong with the soup?" He says; "Taste the soup." He says; "Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?" He says; "Will you taste the soup?", "What's wrong is the soup to cold?", "Will you just taste the soup?", "All right, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?", "Ah-ha!"

[chuckles]

Saul: "Ah-ha!"

[he laughs, but no one else does]

Saul: What do you know from funny, ya bastard?

Clarence: Hey, what's up, brother? You a little late for the Christmas pageant.

King Jaffe Joffer: I am King Jaffe Joffer, ruler of Zamunda.

Clarence: Have a seat. Chair number two will be ready in a second.

Saul: [touching the King's clothing, made from a stuffed lion] This is beautiful. What is that? Velvet?

Clarence: You must be outta your God-damned mind! Joe Louis the greatest boxer who ever lived. I'll be with you boys in a minute. He was badder than Cassius Clay, he was better than Sugar Ray, he was badder than - who's that new boy? Mike Tyson! Look like a bull dog! He was badder than him too! He'd whip Mike Tyson's ass, he'd whip all their asses!

Saul: What about Rocky Marciano?

Clarence: Oh, there they go! There they go! Every time I start talking about boxing, a white man gotta pull Rocky Marciano outta their ass! That's they one! That's they one! Rocky Marciano! Rocky Marciano! Lemme tell you something once and for all! Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain't shit!

Saul: He beat Joe Louis's ass!

Morris: That's right, he did whip Joe Louis's ass!

Clarence: Joe Louis was seventy-five years old when he fought!

Morris: I don't know how old he was, but he got his ass whooped.

Clarence: Joe Louis had come out of retirement to fight Rocky Marciano! The man was seventy-six years old! Joe Louis always lied about his age! He lied about his age all the time! One time, Frank Sinatra came in here, and sat in this chair. I say, "Frank, you hang out with Joe Louis. Just between me and you, how old is Joe Louis?" Know what Frank told me? He said "Hey, Joe Louis is a hundred thirty-seven years old." A hundred and thirty-seven years old!

Sweets: Oh, man, you ain't never meet no Frank Sinatra.

Clarence: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! AND FUCK YOU! Who's next?

Morris: Pound for pound, Sugar Ray Robinson's the greatest fighter that ever lived!

Clarence: Aw, come on, man! What about Joe Louis?

Saul: The Brown Bomber! Now that was a great boxer!

Morris: You damn right!

Sweets: I suppose nobody in here ever heard of Cassius Clay?

Morris: He got a point. Cassius Clay was a bad motherfucker!

Clarence: I ain't saying Clay ain't bad. I'm just saying I stopped liking Cassius Clay once he changed his name to Moh-hammad Ali! What kinda shit is that?

Saul: Wait a second, wait a second! A man has got the right to change his name to whatever he wants to change it to. And if a man wants to be called Muhammad Ali, Goddamit, this is a free country, you should respect his wishes, and call the man Muhammad Ali!

Morris: His Momma named him Clay, I'm gonna call him Clay.

Clarence: Mmm-hmm! That's right!

Sweets: I say Clay.

Saul: Get outta here.

Clarence: Ha-ha-ha! That's right! That's right! He gonna always be Clay to me. I don't give a fuck what he change his name to. He is Clay! He Clay to me. I say Clay.

Saul: Well, then, you're a putz. The three of you. Three putzes. You should change the name outside from My-T-Sharp to The Three Putzes.

Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to...

Lucy: I object.

Saul: Oh, geez.

Priest: I didn't get to that part yet.

Jack: I would have to object too.

Priest: What about you?

Peter: I'm thinking!

Jack: [Lucy's sitting in the booth at the station taking tokens for the train. Suddenly someone drops a ring, making her look up] Lucy? I have to ask you a question.

Elsie: Get down on one knee, it's more romantic.

Saul: Elsie, if he's proposing let him do it!

Elsie: I *am* letting him do it.

Jack: Can I come in there please?

Lucy: I can't. Not without a token.

Jack: [he hands one in and goes into the booth] Marry me.

Lucy: Yeah. I love you.

Jack: I love you back.

Dr. Rubin: [about Elsie] Is she all right?

Saul: [quietly] She has a little heart problem, she's had three attacks already.

Elsie: They weren't attacks, they were episodes.

Saul: Nothing wrong with her hearing.

Elsie: I could never make a good pot roast.

Saul: You need good beef. Argentina has great beef: beef, and Nazis.

Saul: So, do you have any family?

Lucy: My mom died when I was really little and a couple of years ago my dad got sick so we moved from Indiana so he could go to research hospital.

Saul: Research. Another word for very expensive.

Lucy: Yeah, I had to quit school and I started working for the CTA and about a year ago he decided he had had enough research and he passed away.

Saul: Did you know I'm Peter's godfather?

Lucy: Really? I thought you had to be catholic for that.

Saul: Ox fudged it over. He donated 50 folding chairs to Father O'Shea's bingo night.

Midge Callaghan: [Lucy has come to the Callahan's for Christmas and is sitting on the front steps talking to Saul] Lucy? You came? Oh this is great! Hi, Saul! Hey, come on in, you two, it's freezing out here. Elsie made her egg nog.

Saul: [whispers to Lucy] A word to the wise - drink soda.

Jack: Which of the Three Stooges was Peter's favorite?

Lucy: Curly.

Jack: Curly. HA!

[pause]

Jack: He's everybody's favorite.

Saul: I like Shemp.

Saul: I couldn't love you any more if you were my own son. But the fact of the matter is, you're... well you're a putz.

Peter: Is there a point to this?

[last lines]

[a very large painting is being lowered to the ground from Saul's loft]

Saul: [shouting up to the loft] OK Mario, I've got it.

Saul: [to Erica] Can you hold this a minute? You got it?

Erica: I got it.

Saul: [Saul opens his car door, looks at Erica, and smiles] Bye.

Erica: What about this?

Saul: Oh, that's for you.

Erica: How the hell am I gonna get it home?

Saul: Take a taxi.

[Saul gets in his car and drives off. Erica picks up the painting, struggling with it a bit, and begins walking home]

Saul: The time is nigh for you to take your first step into darkness, so why don't you take the Dagger of Dispair, you know and plunge into thine virginal heart?

[none of Saul's followers move]

Saul: ...Today.

Mo: The Prince of Evil? You work at fuckin' Dairy Queen.

Saul: Liar!

Mo: Liar, my ass! You served my cousin and me a snackerwizard last week.

Danny: Saul, are you sure you're ready to do this?

Saul: [feeling offended by Danny's show of concern] If you ever ask me that question again Daniel, you will not wake up the following morning.

Danny: He's ready.

Saul: [to Danny and Rusty] Tess is with Benedict now? She's too tall for him!

Saul: I have a question, say we get into the cage, and through the security doors there and down the elevator we can't move, and past the guards with the guns, and into the vault we can't open...

Rusty: Without being seen by the cameras.

Danny: Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot to mention that.

Saul: Yeah well, say we do all that... uh... we're just supposed to walk out of there with $150,000,000 in cash on us, without getting stopped?

[pause as everyone turns to look at Danny]

Danny: [unconfidently and unenthusiastically] Yeah.

Saul: [nervously] Oh. Okay.

[watching Yen prepares to somersault onto the vault]

Turk Malloy: Ten says he shorts it.

Frank, Livingston, Saul: Twenty!

Rusty: [at the race track] Saul, you're the best there is. You're in Cooperstown. What do you want?

Saul: Nothing. I've got a duplex now, wall-to-wall, goldfish. I'm seeing a nice lady who works the "Unmentionables" counter at Macy's. I've changed.

Rusty: Guys like us don't change, Saul. We either stay sharp or we get sloppy, we don't change.

Saul: [at the race track] I saw you at the paddock... before the second race, outside the men's room when I placed my bet.

Saul: I saw you before you even got up this morning.

Rusty: How you been, Saul?

Saul: Never Better.

Rusty: What's with the orange?

Saul: My doctor says I need vitamins.

Rusty: So why don't you take vitamins?

Saul: [sarcastically] You come here to give me a physical?

Saul: [watching Danny, Linus, and Yen load the money from the vault] That is the sexiest thing I have ever seen!

Turk Malloy: [at Ruben's house] Saul, do you get out to Utah much?

Saul: Not as often as I'd like.

Turk Malloy: Check it out. I think you'd dig Provo. You could do well there.

Saul: I'll look into it.

Rusty: Saul, turn that off, will you?

Saul: [in fake accent] I'll turn it off when I'm ready to...

Rusty: Saul!

Saul: [normal voice] It's off, it's off!

Reuben: Where are they?

Saul: [in his fake accent] They will be here.

Reuben: [mimicking Saul's voice] They will be here. Schmuck.

Saul: He's sorry that he hit you.

Slevin: Do you always speak for him?

Saul: Yes.

Slevin: So, he's a mute...?

Saul: Not quite.

Slevin: Well, what then?

Saul: It's personal. You'd have to ask him.

Slevin: Hm. How would he tell me?

Saul: He wouldn't.

[after Lazarus has been resurrected]

Saul: How do you feel?

Lazarus: I like the light.

Saul: What was it like? Which is better: Death, or life?

Lazarus: I was a little surprised... wasn't that much difference.

[pause]

Saul: Give me your hand.

[stabs him]

Saul: You see, you don't know how much people need God. You don't know how happy He can make them. He can make them happy to do anything. Make them happy to die, and they'll die, all for the sake of Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus of Nazareth. The Son of God. The Messiah. Not you. Not for your sake. You know, I'm glad I met you. Because now I can forget all about you. My Jesus is much more important and much more powerful.

Saul: So Lazarus, how do you feel?

Saul: You had orders to kill him and you haven't done it. Now he acts like a prophet, and you follow him!

Judas: Did you hear what he said back there?

Saul: Yes I heard him. We took an oath against Rome. I don't see a thing against Rome around here, all I see are Jews against Jews.

Judas: Then you're not listening.

Saul: Judas! What are you doing with this magician?

Saul: [to Jesus in the World without the Crucifixion] You know, I'm glad I've met you. Because now I can forget all about you.

Saul: Your planet is forbidden for an open visit.

Colonel Lebedev: Why?

Saul: Extremely aggressive social environment.

Saul: Despite being close to perfect climatic conditions.

Saul: Four billion violent deaths for the last 5000 years.

Saul: Over the same period, about 15 000 major military conflicts.

Saul: There are people who believe that letters are an expression of a very special primal energy and when they combine to make words they hold all the secrets of the universe...

Saul: Remember the Vikings?

Saul: [Takes a green apple] Ok, Vikings called this "aepli".

Saul: Now when they took it across the sea in their ships it became "apfel".

Saul: Crossed another border, it became "appel".

Saul: By the time it got to us it was "apple".

Saul: Its spelling contains all of that.

Saul: It holds its history inside it.

Saul: [teaching] God is everything - a perfect, luminous essence. But even God wants more - to experience more, to give. So God creates a vessel, a container, that can receive this gift of God's pure light. His divine light pours into the vessel. The vessel, of course, can't contain the magnitude of this light, and it shatters. Destroying the vessel and scattering its broken shards in a big bang of creation. Now, man's job is to locate and gather these shards to make the vessel - our world - whole again.

[repeated lines]

Saul: Make yourself right. Cleanse your heart and soul. Permute the letters back and forth. You will feel then as if an additional spirit is within you. In this manner you will reach beyond yourself. Go slowly, as the path is dangerous, and must be traveled with caution.

Saul: You're lucky I'm not into necrophilia.