Samuel Curtis Quotes in The American Astronaut (2001)

Old Man: Hey. Is it just me, or do my balls itch?

Samuel Curtis: I think it's you.

Old Man: Good. For a minute, I thought my balls itched.

[Samuel is sleeping]

Voice: What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you?

[Samuel wakes up, hits a switch, and speaks into a receiver]

Samuel Curtis: My father taught me to kill the sunflower.

Voice: Congratulations, Mr. Curtis. You are now awake. Two hours to Jupiter.

[Samuel answers the phone]

Professor Hess: Guess who this is?

Samuel Curtis: Professor Hess.

Professor Hess: That's right! You got it on the first try! For that, you get a kiss!

Samuel Curtis: I'll pass.

Professor Hess: W-what? You think I'd kiss you? You'd love it if I'd kiss you. And I would never kiss you.

Samuel Curtis: You said you were going to kiss me.

Professor Hess: I never said I'd kiss you. I never said that. You just want me to kiss you!

Samuel Curtis: Um... not really.

Professor Hess: Oh. I'm not good enough to kiss you. Is that what you're saying?

Professor Hess: I have a picture of you. Guess what you're doing?

Samuel Curtis: I'm taking a shit.

Professor Hess: [laughing] I put it next to my trophy, and then I say, "Ooh, there's a stinky boy!"

Samuel Curtis: Mind if I use your bathroom?

Eddie: Sure... It's a real toilet, so be careful.

Samuel Curtis: So... I take the girl to Jupiter, trade her for the boy, bring the boy to Venus, trade him for Johnny R., bring Johnny R. back to Earth and I get rich.

Blueberry Pirate: That's it.

Samuel Curtis: [pauses to ponder] Where'd the girl come from?

Blueberry Pirate: Eddie cloned her from one of his own cells.

Blueberry Pirate: [Both turn and look skeptically at Eddie] That's one detail best left unsaid.

Samuel Curtis: [Referring to The Boy] What's the matter with him?

Lee Vilensky: Ah, you know how kids are. You sell 'em to a shitty planet, and they think you're the bad guy.

Samuel Curtis: [Commenting on The Boy's odd attire] How long they been makin' you dress like that?

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: The word is not "make," it's "let." They let me wear whatever I want.

Samuel Curtis: I see.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: [Referring to Professor Hess, who has just made a disturbing phone call to Sam] Friend?

Samuel Curtis: [pauses to ponder] A question to which 'yes' or 'no' would not quite suffice.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: Does he call a lot?

Samuel Curtis: No... He disappears for long stretches of time... and then he finds me, and kills everyone I come in contact with, and tries to forgive me. When he does that, he's gonna' kill me.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: Do you like him?

Samuel Curtis: [pauses to ponder] Yeah. He's like family.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: And when he forgives you, he's gonna' kill you?

Samuel Curtis: [Nodding his head] That's the kinda' guy he is.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: What kind of guy is he?

Samuel Curtis: He's a birthday boy. He kills without reason. If he has no reason to kill you, then he can kill you. But if he *has* a reason to kill you, then he's got a problem. Because if he kills you without resolving that problem, then you'd be dead, and the problem would live on forever, unresolved.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: That doesn't make any sense.

Samuel Curtis: Yeah, it does.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: What did you do that was so hard to forgive?

Samuel Curtis: Well, I'll tell ya'.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: When I get to Venus can I get a dog?

Samuel Curtis: [Thoughtful pause] Dogs can't live on Venus. When they roll on their backs, the pressure twists their guts up, and it kills them.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: If I don't like Venus, will you come get me?

Samuel Curtis: [pauses, grins] Believe me, you'll like it.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: What are you gonna' do?

Samuel Curtis: South America is where I'm gonna' go.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: Don't you fear the Yetis in Rio?

Samuel Curtis: No...

Samuel Curtis: [after they have landed on Venus] You're not going out there.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: [Surprised] What?

Samuel Curtis: Shut up! Professor Hess is here. If he sees you, he's gonna' kill you.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: Why's he wanna' kill me?

Samuel Curtis: No reason.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: Let's fly outta' here.

Samuel Curtis: They're not gonna' dig out our ship until they get a boy.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: [Ponders the situation, then looks at Bodysuit] Him!

Samuel Curtis: Yeah... That's what I'm thinking... Put on some of my clothes and give him yours.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast: Why does he have to wear my clothes?

Samuel Curtis: He doesn't 'have' to... he 'gets' to.

Cloris: [Just got a whiff of Bodysuit] Oh! He seems to be in need of a bath!

Samuel Curtis: I haven't noticed.

Professor Hess: Samuel Curtis... It's my birthday!

Samuel Curtis: [pauses, not looking back] Some other time, Professor.

Samuel Curtis: Please don't think that my complete focus isn't on you and the ladies, but in my peripheral, I couldn't help but notice the handsome remains of a gentleman.

Lady Venus: Johnny R. We still love him so, honest we do.

Samuel Curtis: My dear Cloris, any beautiful words spoken on your behalf would be the mm!

Cloris: Well, if you were only 20 years younger, we'd all have our way with you.