Samantha Quotes in Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016)

Samantha: When things get hairy, I just pick out the alpha guy.

Turner: And what? He's supposed to protect you?

Samantha: No, I give him shit. Strong guys don't hurt you. The weak guys do that. Strong guys always have little sisters. Or they want one. I don't know why, that's just how it is.

[last lines]

Samantha: [text on Reacher's phone] "Miss me yet?"

Samantha: I don't understand. You said you're not a cop.

Jack Reacher: I'm not.

Samantha: What's military police?

Turner: It's different.

Samantha: But... you stole this car.

Turner: It's complicated.

Samantha: [while helping an aching Reacher walk] Dude, you jumped off a building.

Jack Reacher: Yeah, I know.

Samantha: Did it hurt?

Jack Reacher: Yes.

Samantha: Did you see how high that was?

Jack Reacher: Can we possibly have this conversation some other time?

Samantha: So, Reacher... are you my father or not?

Jack Reacher: I guess we'll see when your mother gets here.

Samantha: Sure you'd recognize her?

Jack Reacher: I tend to remember the women I sleep with.

Samantha: But who says she'll remember you?

Jack Reacher: Thanks a lot.

Samantha: Easy, sport. I got myself outta Beirut once, I think I can get outta New Jersey.

Mitch: Yeah? Well, don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.

Mitch: Oh, shit! Ah, that hurt like shit!

Samantha: I know. That's why I distracted you first. Same principle as deflowering virgins.

Mitch: Huh? What? Virgin - ? What?

Samantha: Read it in this Harold Robbins book. Guy bites her on the ear. Distracts from the pain. Ever try that?

Mitch: No, no, I sock 'em in the jaw and yell, "Pop goes the weasel."

Samantha: What happened?

Mitch: I saved your ass. It was great.

Samantha: It's like I'm in goddamn prison. Do you know how that feels?

Mitch Henessey: "YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S LIKE. FOUR YEARS inside, Marion, Illinois. A REAL shithole. AND I'M NOT GOING BACK."

Mitch: [singing to the song "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" on the radio] I'm not talking 'bout the linen... And I don't wanna change your life...

Samantha: Movin' in.

Samantha: Huh?

Samantha: It's not linen. The song's not about linen.

Mitch: Whatever. You cold?

Samantha: I'm freezing.

Mitch: Turn on the heater. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise which distracts from the cold.

Samantha: I'll pass.

Samantha: I know he has a pin in his leg, car accident. I... I know he cuts his own hair. He doesn't even own a TV. He... he sits when he pees...

Mitch: Hey, hey, hey. That's enough, I'm gettin' a boner here, all right?

Mitch: And what about your daughter, what's her name... Cathead?

Samantha: Caitlin.

Luke (A.K.A. Daedalus): Torture, yes, a woman's face never looked so quite beautiful as when it's distended in pain, witness the beauty of child birth.

Samantha: Untie me and ill make any face you want.

Luke (A.K.A. Daedalus): Let's not and say we did.

Mitch: [after Mitch confesses that he's been in prison] Eight years ago, I was an Atlanta cop. My partner and I worked this fraud case together. That motherfucker hated me! I forget why, but he did. Anyway, some bonds went missing from the evidence room, and, when someone called Internal Affairs and they went searching through my closet, lo and behold, what did they find?

Samantha: The bonds. Your partner put them there, huh?

Mitch: No, no, I did. I stole the damn things.

[starts laughing, then after a long pause Samantha starts laughing. then another brief pause]

Mitch: . I never did one thing right in my life. Now that takes skill.

[while Mitch is creeping towards the truck to rescue Caitlin, Samantha covers him with a rifle. Two thugs appear and aim their guns at him, she takes them out quickly]

Mitch: Gracias.

Samantha: De nada.

Mitch: Sam... Ill be waiting for you to come and rescue me.

Samantha: Be just a minute...

Samantha: Can I ask you something? Well, you seem kinda... low rent. No offense.

Mitch: [chuckles] None taken.

Samantha: I'm only here to warn you.

Wes Wilson: But you're a little late.

Samantha: Nicole, how's the Bureau?

Nicole Williams: How does it feel to be alive?

Wes Wilson: You two know each other?

Samantha: She's been tracking me for years.

Nicole Williams: So, Wes, anything you wanna tell me?

Wes Wilson: Me? Who the hell are you?

Samantha: She's a fed.

Wes Wilson: Wait, wait a sec. You both are in on this? I don't believe it.

Samantha: I told you. She wants the diamonds.

Nicole Williams: No, we want the list.

Wes Wilson: I've cared about 2 women in my life and they've both lied to me. Not little white lies, but big, huge get-me-killed kind of lies.

Samantha: Where are you?

Wes Wilson: Sam. Sam! Sam! I'm in the trunk of a car!

Samantha: Well, what are you doing there?

Wes Wilson: Oh, this is my thing. It's what I do. I'm just relaxing.

Samantha: Where are they taking you?

Wes Wilson: They failed to mention that before they threw me in here.

Samantha: What happened? Are you okay?

Wes Wilson: We just hit a bump. Major pothole. Drive a little safer, would you? Jackass!

Samantha: Wes, if I hadn't died that night, we would both be dead right now.

Wes Wilson: Oh, what? So you're gonna say you did all this shit for me? Thanks a lot.

Isaac: I know my diamonds are nearby. Shall we go get them? And no, that is not a question.

Samantha: I need him to get the package.

Isaac: [whispers] So many problems and distractions.

Samantha: [watching the cannibalism of Jonah] We have to get out of here.

Samantha: This is why frontier life is so difficult. Not because of the Indians or the elements but because of the idiots.

Leroy: I have to ask you a question... and it's an important one so, I want you to think about the answer before you give it to me. Okay?

Samantha: Okay

Leroy: When two people love each other - Really... Love each other - but they just can't get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?

Samantha: [mouth agape, stunned look, realizing he's talking about her] Tha?... oh, well... that's... you know... um... you know it's Over when... okay, I have, like, these psychosomatic, insomniatic manifestations of... uh, well here's the thing about me: I'm a product of my emotions, versus being a product of my environment, like HIM, which he is, exactly, just THAT, environmental... uh uh I need sunshine to grow; that's who I am, and uh with the projection of the... I have goals

[pause, smiles, nods to indicate she's done]

Leroy: That's your answer?

Samantha: Yah

Leroy: That's not right. I mean, there's a right answer here, but that's not it

Samantha: [exhales sharply]

Leroy: Look, in my business you're surrounded by loneliness, and finality. Now I don't care what your take is on an afterlife, when people die, it's scary. And they go alone. Now the people that I send off, that have experienced love, they're a little less scared. I mean they're still scared, but there's... a calmness to 'em, and I think that comes from the knowledge that somebody, somewhere loved 'em, and cared for 'em, and will miss 'em. Now I see that from time to time, and I am awed by it. I don't think I'd be telling you any of this if it wasn't for Frank. Anyway, it's a loaded question. Look, when two people love each other - Totally, TRUTHfully, all the way Love each other - the answer to that question is simple, especially in your case. When do you get to that point where enough is enough? Never... Never

Leroy: I know we're all a little grouchy right now. We'll get something to eat, you'll get the pistol and then we'll go our separate ways.

Samantha: Really separate ways.

Jerry: Don't start, Sam.

Samantha: Shut up. I'll start because I have the right...

Jerry: Why do you do that? Do not tell me to shut up. We had an agreement, remember?

Samantha: Shut up.

Leroy: Why don't we all shut up a bit?

Jerry: I swear to God, I will crash this fucking car right now.

Leroy: Jerry, don't do that.

Jerry: I will. One more word out of you. Another word, Sam. One more word. I swear to fucking God.

Samantha: Naugahyde.

Jerry: All right.

Samantha: Do you have any idea what I have been through these last few days?

Jerry: Oh, Sam, whatever you've been through multiply that by 1000 and you'll have a vague conception of where I'm at.

Samantha: Oh! Oh, isn't that typical, Jerry? It's all a competition. Tit for tat, tat for tit.

Jerry: Stop yelling, for Christ sake! Listen, how are you? Are you ok? Are you all right? Where are you?

Samantha: Toluca airport, Jerry. And things are shitty, really shitty!

Samantha: You have managed to Forrest Gump your way through this.

Samantha: What was that?

Leroy: What?

Samantha: That (points eyes to the right) moment?

Leroy: "What? What moment...?

Samantha: ...Are you gay?

Leroy: As in happy?

Samantha: As in homosexual...?

Leroy: What does my sexuality have anything to do with this?

Samantha: You just checked that guy out and had a 'moment'!

Samantha: I am a hostage? This is so Jerry.

Samantha: Oh, NOW! you're BLAMESHIFTING!

Samantha: All right. Jerry, I want you to acknowledge that my needs means nothing to you and you're a selfish prick and a liar.

Jerry: Oh, my God!

Samantha: Jerry, acknowledge.

Jerry: I... Ok. I will acknowledge that I promised to go to Vegas with you. But now we're just slightly delayed. If you want to construe my wanting to stay alive as being selfish, well, then okay. But I have every intention of going with you because your needs are very important to me, sweetheart. Come on. Look at my all my stuff here, all over the pavement. Come on, baby? Huh? What do you say? Ok?

Samantha: I'm going with or without you, Jerry. What's it gonna be? A bastard!

Jerry: A bastard. What happened to, uh, "sweetheart" and "big love" and all those things you called me in the bedroom last night?

Samantha: The only thing I'm interested in calling you, Jerry, is a cab!

Winston Baldry: Do you want me to rape you?

Samantha: Are you gay?

Winston Baldry: Do you want me to rape you?

Samantha: You are gay.

Jerry: Baby, what are you doing?

Samantha: You said this was your last job, Jerry!

Jerry: What do you want me to say? I'm sorry, I can't, the old lady wants me to quit. Fuck off.

Samantha: Yes! Something like that. Like exactly!

Jerry: I'm not in insurance, sweetie!

Samantha: By the grace of God or I don't know what honey you have managed to Forrest Gump your way through this. If we run now, we're going to be running the rest of our lives.

Samantha: Real emotion transcends language Jerry. You don't have to understand their words to feel their pain.

Samantha: I'm sensing you have trust issues.

Leroy: Don't you love him?

Samantha: I think that's the problem. We love each other too much.

Samantha: You know, you're very sensitive for a cold blooded killer.

Jerry: Could you turn that down? You don't even speak Spanish.

Samantha: Emotion transcends language.

Jerry: The group thinks we're married. I accepted the potato slicer for our anniversary. Right, sweets? I go along.

Samantha: [mad] That's it. That is it. You... You... You go along!

Bear: We're going on a treasure hunt.

Samantha: [yawns loudly]

Aunt Lucy: [speaking in a pirate brogue] Not one to join us, Missy? You'll walk the plank if you don't.

Samantha: Guess I'll take my chances with the sharks.

Franklin: So what do you want to do?

Samantha: Not play some dumb kids game.

Mr. Turtle: [regarding Turtle Lake] It's nice you're getting the chance to go up there.

[regarding Sam and Franklin]

Mr. Turtle: And even nicer to see you two on friendly terms.

Samantha: Actually, we're more like fellow adventurers than friends. Oh, and thank you for the flowers, Mr. Turtle. They were lovely.

Samantha: You might get your chance to be a hero.

Franklin: I don't want to be a hero. I just want my Granny to get better.

Franklin: I sure wish we could dance, Granny.

Granny Turtle: Just you watch, Franklin. I'll be up and cutting a rug in no time.

Samantha: Until then, may I have this dance, sir?

[last lines]

Samantha: Granny's map? But I couldn't.

Franklin: It's okay. Aunt Lucy said I could give it to you. You know, to remember your summer by.

Samantha: I won't ever forget this summer.

[gives him a small smooch]

Bear: Ahem.

Aunt Lucy: Well, what do you know? Life is just full of surprises, isn't it?

Samantha: I forgot to pack my black shoes. I packed a black dress and a back up dress, but the backup dress also requires black shoes. I don't have them. I forgot to pack my black shoes.

Samantha: Who am I more? Jackie or Ethel, and you have to pick one. Who Am I more?

Jack: ...Samantha

Melvin B. Tolson: Who is the judge?

Samantha, Henry Lowe, James Farmer Jr., Hamilton Burgess: The judge is God.

Melvin B. Tolson: Why is he God?

Samantha, Henry Lowe, James Farmer Jr., Hamilton Burgess: Because he decides who wins or loses. Not my opponeent.

Melvin B. Tolson: Who is your opponent?

Samantha, Henry Lowe, James Farmer Jr., Hamilton Burgess: He does not exist.

Melvin B. Tolson: Why does he not exist?

Samantha, Henry Lowe, James Farmer Jr., Hamilton Burgess: Because he is a mere dissenting voice of the truth I speak!

Samantha: The state is currently spending five times more for the education for a white child than it is fitting to educate a colored child. That means better textbooks for that child than for that child. I say that's a shame, but my opponent says today is not the day for whites and coloreds to go to the same college. To share the same campus. To walk into the same classroom. Well, would you kindly tell me when that day is gonna come? Is it going to come tomorrow? Is it going to come next week? In a hundred years? Never? No, the time for justice, the time for freedom, and the time for equality is always, is always right now!

James Farmer Jr.: [opening package] Five dollars? Lowe, I got five dollars!

Henry Lowe: Yeah, I did too. It's called per diem. Want me to hold it for you?

James Farmer Jr.: No, not MY five dollars.

Samantha: [walks into the room waving her money in the air] I got five dollars! I got five dollars!

Henry Lowe: Yeah, me too.

Samantha: Well, mine is crisp.

[watches James gulp down a strawberry]

Samantha: James, this is high tea, all right? We nibble, we do not DEVOUR.

James Farmer Jr.: How do you know?

Samantha: [smiling] I don't.

Samantha: James, you know I value your friendship...

James Farmer Jr.: How can you value something you never had?

Samantha: So... we were never friends?

James Farmer Jr.: Maybe I don't want to be just your friend. Maybe it HURTS me to be just your friend!

James Farmer Jr.: We can't win without him!

[Melvin Tolson]

Samantha: You're wrong, we can't win without him.

[as she tosses a book at Farmer]

James Farmer Jr.: Thoreau?

Samantha: [after James protests his inability to debate with Samantha or Henry] James, you're the best researcher I've ever seen. We couldn't do this without you.

James Farmer Jr.: [angrily] Oh, there's PLENTY you do without me!

Samantha: The 70s are dead and gone. The 80s are going to be something wonderfully new and different, and so am I.

Lulu: Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.

Samantha: Tacky.

Norma White: Ron, dear, didn't Greenwich-Village-people-types go out with the '60s?

Samantha: That's it! The name: Village People.

Randy: Well, that's not a bad idea, uh, that's what we are.

Felipe: That's where we're from.

Jack Morell: Village People? That's fantastic! Thank you!

Norma White: Oh, well, it does have a certain charm.

Samantha: Village People; I can sell that.

Samantha: How could you just up and quit your job like that?

Ron White: Why not? I'm the lawyer for the hottest new group in show business: The Village People.

Lulu: Oh, the Indian is hot. I go for exotic types, especially when they're half-naked.

Samantha: Lulu!

Lulu: You tell him I'll make up for all the indignities they suffered in "Roots."

Samantha: Hey Felipe, how are you feeling?

Felipe: C... C minus.

Samantha: What's the matter?

Felipe: I had to leave my feathers to be oiled. They gave me this one to wear, and it doesn't even fit right.

Samantha: You think you've got problems? Jack needs some voices on his demo tape for tonight and I need some professional singers who will work for what I can afford to pay.

Felipe: Professional and for free? That you ain't gonna find.

Leatherman: I'm from the Bronx. My name's Glenn Hughes.

Samantha: What do you do, Glenn?

Leatherman: I'm a toll collector at the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel.

Norma White: Do all toll collectors look like that?

Leatherman: Just the hot ones.

Samantha: Are you really serious about singing?

David the Construction Worker: Fanantical. Fame, fortune, platinum records... it's every boy's dream.

Ron White: [angry tone] Hi, I'm Ron White. Your sister sent you a cake. You're not gonna belive this, but a little old lady just robbed me!

Samantha: Could you run that by me again?

Ron White: A little old lady armed with a big gun held me up!

Samantha: No kidding. So, how do you know my sister?

Ron White: I live next door to her in St. Louis. God, she must have been 80 years old!

Samantha: Oh that's not my sister. She's older than I am, but not that old.

Ron White: I'm talking about the old lady who robbed me! She got my wallet, my watch, my class ring. She even got my Phi Beta Kappa key!

Samantha: Well, it's a good thing she didn't get the cake. I forgot to order desert.

Samantha: I should have know that you could sing. But when you see someone everyday, you just don't know what they have. I mean, counting out exercise is sort of singing, right?

Randy: Yeah, I think it is. It's sort of like...

[singing]

Randy: Got the back bone connected to the hip bone, and the hip bone connected to the thigh bone, and the thigh bone connected to the leg bone

[normal voice]

Randy: How's that? Is that a star or is that a star?

Samantha: Bing! Tonight it is. Be at my place at eight o'clock. You bring the voice, and I'll bring the food... and the wine.

Randy: You always were a great hostess, Sam.

Samantha: Don't be fresh.

Samantha: Merde!

Lulu: What?

Samantha: I dropped my contact lens in the lasagna!

[checking her eyes]

Samantha: Was it mustard or relish? It was mustard. Lulu, be a darling, stick your finger in there and see if you can find it.

Lulu: Be original, leave it in. Call it lasagna crunch!

Benny Murray: Nice ta meetcha' Miss Edwards...

Samantha: Simpson...

Benny Murray: I've seen ya plastered all over New York, ya know?

Samantha: Well, don't spread it around.

Ron White: Mother!

Samantha: Mother?

Felipe: THAT's your mother?

Samantha: God, she looks better than i do.

Samantha: I didn't invent it. I'm just in it.

Jack Morell: I didn't invent it. I'm just in it.

Samantha: I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday.

Samantha: Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease.

The Geek: This information cannot leave this room. Okay? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.

Samantha: No problem.

The Geek: I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.

[Samantha chuckles]

Jim Baker: Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.

Samantha: Mike thinks I'm a dork.

Jim Baker: Mike *is* a dork.

[last lines]

Samantha: Thanks for getting my undies back.

Jake: Thanks for coming over.

Samantha: Thanks for coming to get me.

Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.

Samantha: It already came true.

Brenda Baker: Can you remember to turn off the stove in twenty minutes?

Samantha: I can remember lots of things.

Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.

Grandpa Fred: [chuckles] I better go get my magnifying glass.

Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so Perky.

Grandma Helen: [reaches to cup them]

Samantha: [cut to Sam's bedroom] I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.

Samantha: This is Farmer Fred.

The Geek: Ted.

Samantha: Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted.

The Geek: I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman.

Randy: [talking on the phone with Samantha] Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.

Samantha: [screams] Aah!

Howard: [Her grandparents are startled by the scream] Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!

Grandpa Fred: Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

The Geek: I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.

Samantha: But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?

The Geek: Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.

Samantha: Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.

Samantha: I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.

The Geek: How's it goin'?

Samantha: How's what going?

The Geek: You know - things, life, whatnot.

Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.

Samantha: When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?

Randy: That's a cheerful thought.

The Geek: Just answer me one question.

Samantha: Yes, you're a total fag.

The Geek: [laughs] That's not the question.

Samantha: May I be excused?

Grandma Helen: Where are you going?

Samantha: I have a dance to go to - at school. It's a very important dance... uh we're being graded on it, for Gym.

The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile. I mean, it's...

Samantha: Go to hell.

The Geek: VERY hostile!

Ginny: No, Sam, I think you're just being a little selfish... and immature.

Samantha: Oh, yes, that's it. That's *exactly* it.

[storms out]

Ginny: [to herself] Unbelievable. You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.

Randy: [Samantha has filled out an "anonymous" sex quiz naming her crush, which has fallen into unknown hands] Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.

Samantha: Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.

Randy: I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a Senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.

Samantha: I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.

Randy: He's ideal for sure, but, forget it.

Samantha: God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.

Samantha: Oh my God! What should I do? Should I go up to him and and should I say, "Hi Jake, I'm Samantha", or no, maybe I should let him come to me?

The Geek: This is not my department.

Samantha: [to Randy] Ever since my twelfth, I've been looking forward to my sweet sixteen.

Samantha: Do I look any older?

Jim Baker: No, I wouldn't say so.

Samantha: I swear to God this has got be a joke.

Samantha: [mouths from across the street] Me?

Jake: Yeah, you.

[smiles and jogs across the street]

Samantha, Jake: [both in unison] Hi.

Jake: Hi.

Samantha: Hi. What are you doing here?

Jake: I heard you were here.

Samantha: You came here for me?

Jake: Is that okay?

Samantha: [flattered] Yeah, it's okay.

Jake: Do you have to go to reception now?

Samantha: I'm supposed to.

Jake: Can I call you later?

Samantha: Sure... I mean no.

Jake: No, I can't call you later?

Samantha: Yeah... No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception.

Jake: Oh. Great.

[walks Samantha to his Porsche]

Samantha: It's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.

The Geek: So, I mean, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or...?

Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood, so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.

Samantha: I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.

Samantha: You know everyone in this family has gone total outer limits.

Samantha: Then where am I sleeping?

Mike Baker: Sofa City, Sweetheart.

Samantha: [Samantha and Randy are watching Caroline taking a shower in the locker room] It's unbelieveable. I swear to God Caroline Mumford had to flunk about nine grades.

Randy: Brother's deaf, and everybody in the world worships her. Practically impossible to cut up. She's supposedly real sweet.

Samantha: And she's going with Jake. Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.

Samantha: [to herself in the mirror] Chronologically, you're sixteen today. Physically, you're still fifteen.

[sighs]

Samantha: Hopeless.

Brenda Baker: Oh, Sam. Sam, I am so sorry about your birthday.

Samantha: It's okay. I'll recover.

Brenda Baker: It's important to you. And yesterday morning, you were trying to tell me.

[Sniffling]

Samantha: It's okay, Mom. These things sometimes happen.

Brenda Baker: Oh, honey, I just feel miserable.

Samantha: You'll feel better.

Mike Baker: Who died?

Brenda Baker: Uh... Is there something you want to say to your sister?

Mike Baker: What? Are you kidding? Where should I start?

Brenda Baker: I mean about her birthday. It was yesterday. We all forgot.

Mike Baker: [laughing] Classic.

Brenda Baker: Deep down, he's really sorry.

Samantha, Brenda Baker: [Together] No, he's not.

Fletcher: [while hearing Mrs. Cole having sex on an audio cassette]

Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?

Samantha: [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!

Judge Stevens: And why is that, Mr. Reede?

Fletcher: It's devastating to my case!

Judge Stevens: Overruled.

Fletcher: Good call!

Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's liscense?

[shows paper]

Samantha: That's right.

Fletcher: It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember perhaps Mr. Faulk will.

Samantha: Brunette.

Fletcher: Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there...

Samantha: I'm a brunette!

Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see... weight 105? Yeah, in your bra.

Dana: Your honor, I object.

Fletcher: You would!

Dana: Bastard!

Fletcher: Hag!

Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled! Weight?

Samantha: 118.

[Fletcher gives her a look]

Samantha: Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127.

Fletcher: Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it!

Samantha: No.

Fletcher: Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth.

Dana: Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?

Judge Stevens: Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.

Samantha: 1965.

Fletcher: Now let get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to DO THAT?

Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.

Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.

[to Dana]

Fletcher: Including...?

Dana: [sighs] Prenuptual agreements.

Fletcher: Prenuptual agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been riden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!

Fletcher: You brought your kids to your divorce?

Samantha: Sympathy.

Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?

Samantha: Oh yeah. One for sure.

Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.

Samantha: Seven.

Fletcher: Beg your pardon?

Samantha: Seven single acts of indiscretion.

Fletcher: SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.

Samantha: I want my money. I am not going to end up a thirty-one year old divorcée on welfare because my scumbag attorney had a sudden attack of conscience.

Fletcher: Thirty-one?

Judge Stevens: I understand both parties have agreed to joint custody, is that correct?

Dana: Yes.

Fletcher: Yes.

Samantha: No! I'm contesting custody.

Fletcher: What?

Samantha: If I get sole custody of the kids, that's another 10 grand in child support payments.

Fletcher: You just won 11 million dollars!

Samantha: You look like you're having a rough morning.

Fletcher: Ding ding ding! What do we have for her, Johnny?

Judge Stevens: Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?

Fletcher: No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!

[Samantha and children enter]

Samantha: [to children] Hurry up! Move it!

Fletcher: [singing to the tune of Mighty Mouse] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay!

Judge Stevens: MISTER Reede!

Fletcher: Sorry, Your Honor!

Mike O' Donnell: [the girls are mercilessly trying to seduce him] Listen, girls. If you don't respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?

Lauren: Don't respect me.

Samantha: No! Don't respect *me*.

Jaime: You don't even have to remember my name!

Lauren: [In shock] Okay, wow.

Samantha: Yeah, that's like, *really* slutty.

Maggie O'Donnell: Why is the new guy waving at me?

Samantha: I don't know, but if he were an apple he would be a delicious.

Samantha: Del Close once said watching great improv is like watching people put the plane together when they're already in the sky.

J.P.: How do you two know each other?

Samantha: I woke him up here this morning. He fell asleep working late last night.

J.P.: Yeah. Well, that's what old people do. They fall asleep.

Alex: Wow J.P, that is a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?

J.P.: So funny I forgot to laugh. Ehehe.

Samantha: Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and...

Alex: [farts]

Samantha: Is he sleeping?

Jeff: Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.

[pats Alex]

Jeff: Wake up, dude.

Alex: [wakes up] No chores, Grandma!

Samantha: Nice rip, Alex.

Alex: Rip what?

Jeff: Does someone have a light? I found this weed.

Samantha: Oh, I do.

Jeff: [staring at the joint] I wanna smoke it.

Samantha: Do you always sleep here, Alex?

Alex: No... uh... I was working late... I love work... I love life.

Samantha: Whoa, Alex, what happened?

Alex: There was a fire, and I was, I was trying to save it from this baby, and uh...

Samantha: As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened and we can't.

Chrissy: It's not very big.

Roberta: It's only big when a guy has a hard on.

Teeny: And when that happens, they get this big.

Chrissy: What's a hard on?

Samantha: Doesn't your mother tell you anything?

Chrissy: I'm beginning to think she's been misinformed.

Roberta: I think you'll make a great mum Chrissy, a little overbearing and rigid, but by the grace of God the kid will come out relativity unharmed, if not there's always therapy.

Samantha: This whole baby thing baffles me, I mean you have it, you raise it, you inevitably screw it up, it resents you, feels guilty for resenting you and then it has a baby, which only perpetuates the vicious cycle.

Roberta: Thank you, Oscar The Grouch.

Young Samantha Albertson: [walking to Dear Johnny's grave to lay flowers and sees Crazy Pete putting flowers on Johnny and his mothers grave] You're Peter Sims

Crazy Pete: [nods in agreement, turns to face the headstones] They were my family...

Young Samantha Albertson: It was a terrible thing that happened to them... I'm sorry...

Crazy Pete: For the longest time I thought I could've stopped it... I would've been home... Instead of down at that bar...

Young Samantha Albertson: But you were there for me...

Crazy Pete: I've wasted a lot of years... Afraid to face people, but mostly afraid to face myself...

Young Samantha Albertson: [takes Pete's hand] I'm scared too...

Crazy Pete: [smiles] What's you're name?

Young Samantha Albertson: Samantha...

Crazy Pete: Well Samantha... Things will happen in your life that you can't stop... But that's no reason to shut out the world... There's a purpose for the good and for the bad...

Samantha: [Older Samantha's voice narrating] He gave me the only gift he could... The lesson that had taken him a lifetime to learn... And although I understood the importance of his words... It's only now looking back that I understand their meaning

Samantha: We all used to try so hard to fit in. We wanted to look exactly alike, do all the same things, practically be the same person, but when we weren't looking that all changed. The tree house was supposed to bring us more independence, but what the summer actually brought was independence from each other.

Samantha: Teeny's parents were country-clubbers that were never around - typical upbringing for actors and pathological liars.

Samantha: When you're 12, without effort, you live in the moment. You don't regret the past or worry about the future, and in that moment, Teeny filled my heart with hope and comfort.

Roberta: You can't get pregnant from french-kissing!

Chrissy: I know that, beetle-brain, but it's common knowledge that if you tongue-kiss a boy, he automatically thinks you'll do the deed with him. They can't help it. They're driven. It's the male curse.

Samantha: Oh? And what deed would that be?

Chrissy: You know... planting the seed and watering the flower. Isn't that how it works?... The man takes his watering can and sprinkles it on the flower.

Samantha: You can run from the dissapointments you're trying to forget. But its only when you embrace your past that you truly move forward. Maybe Thomas Wolfe never got to go home again, but I found my way there. And I'm glad I did.

Samantha: If you don't fall in love, you can't get hurt.

Roberta: But it sure is lonely all by yourself.

Vietnam Veteran: I'm going to tell you something i wish someone would have told me when I was your age.

Chrissy: Oh yeah? What's that?

Vietnam Veteran: Your parents aren't always right.

Samantha: No shit.

Samantha: I decided not to tell the others about my father, call me a fool but I actually thought he'd be back, a wishful notion I held onto for years. At the time no one in The Gaslight Edition had gotten a divorce and the last thing I wanted was to be different from my friends.

Samantha: [talking about the night in the graveyard with Crazy Pete] He said something that didn't mean as much then as it does now... He told me that things happen in life that you can't stop but it wasn't a reason to shut out the world...

[sighs]

Samantha: Wow... I realize that... I've been so afraid of the bad things that um... That I've missed out on the good... You know I didn't wanna come back here... But I'm really glad I did... I'd forgotten how much it helped to have you guys as friends... I'm really lucky to have this place... and each other...

Samantha: Thomas Wolfe once said you can't go home again. Well, that's great for old Tom. But he wasn't a chick who made a pact with her friends when she was twelve to get together whenever any one of them needed each other. So here I am driving back to my childhood home in Indiana a place I can tell you I never wanted to see again.

[sighs]

Samantha: I guess a promise is a promise. Sure looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.

Nick Halsey: You need to put up some curtains.

Samantha: Why? So I don't have some drunk staring at me all day?

Nick Halsey: No so you don't have to look at your future.

Samantha: [In midst of a fight because Nikki wants to move out] Let me tell you something. You are getting older. You're losing your looks. And you're only charming 'cause you're cute. You're not really charming. You're not funny. And you're not smart. I hope you understand that. You're nothing but six inches and a pretty face and you're gonna have to suffer just like everybody else.

Nikki: It's seven.

Samantha: It's not seven.

[She then walks up and slaps him very hard... twice]

Nikki: [after having scoped out the club and giving the audience the scoop on all the fine young things he spies that he's already slept with] But tonight I'm not looking for the tight skin of a 20-year old. I'm in need of assiduation and that changes the game.

[He spies Samantha]

Nikki: Ah... here we go. The jacket's Dolce, the jeans are by Helmut Lang and the complexion comes from a strict regimen of facials. I'm guessing she drives a Mercedes. By the way, there's only one pick-up line. Everything else is cheese.

[Following her and not longer speak to the audience]

Nikki: Hi. What's your name?

Samantha: [Continuing to walk towards the door] Samantha.

Nikki: Hi, Samantha. I'm Nikki.

Samantha: [Flattered, but shaking her head] I'm leaving.

Nikki: Really? Why?

Samantha: It's late.

Nikki: You're right. We should get going. So wait a second. You had dinner here? What'd you have?

Samantha: I had a salad.

Nikki: What kind of salad?

Samantha: A Greek salad.

Nikki: You had a Greek salad at a French restaurant? I like that. Oh. Valet, huh? I bet you're a bad driver. You want me to drive? I'll flip you for it. Here. Heads, I drive; tails, you drive. There it is.

Samantha: It's tails. You flipped it.

Nikki: Well, you always flip it. Don't be a sore loser.

Samantha: Look, you're cute and everything, but you're not coming home with me. Thank you.

[She gives her ticket to the valet attendant as they reach the sidewalk outside]

Nikki: You're gonna have to do better than that. "You're cute and everything"? What's is that?

Samantha: I was trying not to be rude.

Nikki: You're far from rude.

Samantha: Awww.

Nikki: I'll help you out. Tell me you're married.

Samantha: I am not married. That would be a lie.

Nikki: You're not. Tell me that you're madly in love with someone.

Samantha: That would also be a lie.

Nikki: Mm-hmm. Then tell me why I can't come home with you?

Nikki: [She laughs and he then the bends in for a kiss which she accepts. We see the valet bringing her car up. Cut to the two of them in her car. He the speaks to the audience again] Roll the windows down, turn the music up and make an ass of yourself. It puts them at ease.

Womynist #2: [shocked] You dated a white male?

Samantha: I was a freshman.

Womynist #1: *Freshperson*, please!

Samantha: [at party] Hey not bad, The Naked Guy showed.

Droz: All right, The Naked Guy! Excellent Butt! Now it's a party!

Womynist #1: Fine, Sam. Why don't we forget about fighting the phallucracy for a while and go have a good time.

Samantha: Exactly.

[walks into the party]

Caleb Sinclaire: Say there's someone in your life, and you know you can't be in love with them, you don't really know them... Maybe you know that you're not really right for them... You *know* that whatever it is your feeling is really just an attraction towards an image of that person you've create in your mind?

Samantha: I don't know.

Caleb Sinclaire: Oh, of course I sorry, you were probably molested as a child. Were you, uh molested as a child?

Samantha: So, what's the deal with all of you guys up in the house?

Dave: Well, Adam's always had a soft spot for, uh...

Samantha: ...slacker, loser, fuck-up leeches?

Dave: Sure, if you want to put a positive spin on it.

Samantha: Oh my god. This exctasy is really strong.

Linda: You're candy flipping. We took X and acid.

Samantha: Acid too?

Linda: You know that liquid stuff that we put on our tongues? That wasn't mouthwash.

Samantha: Slash, got any cool tattoos?

Slash: None that I can show you in public.

Irwin: I've got five dollars.

Samantha: Five dollars? You couldn't get in my purse, for five dollars.

Samantha: The past is just a story we tell ourselves.

Samantha: It's like I'm reading a book... and it's a book I deeply love. But I'm reading it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I can still feel you... and the words of our story... but it's in this endless space between the words that I'm finding myself now. It's a place that's not of the physical world. It's where everything else is that I didn't even know existed. I love you so much. But this is where I am now. And this is who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can't live in your book any more.

Samantha: The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love you more.

Samantha: You know, I can feel the fear that you carry around and I wish there was... something I could do to help you let go of it because if you could, I don't think you'd feel so alone anymore.

Theodore: You're beautiful.

Samantha: Thank you, Theodore.

Alien Child: I hate women. All they do is cry all the time.

Theodore: That's not true. You know men cry too. I actually like crying sometimes. It feels good.

Alien Child: I didn't know you were a little pussy. Is that why you don't have a girlfriend? I'm going out on that date and fuck her brains out and show you how it's done. You can watch and cry.

Samantha: Okay, this kid has problems.

Alien Child: You have some fucking problems, lady.

Samantha: Really? Okay, I'm gonna go.

Alien Child: Get out of here, fatty!

Samantha: How do you share your life with somebody?

Theodore: Well, we grew up together. You know, I used to read all of her writing, all through her Masters and PhD. She read every word I ever wrote. We were a big influence on each other.

Samantha: In what way did you influence her?

Theodore: She came from a background where nothing was ever good enough. And that was something that weighed heavy on her. But in our house together, it was a sense of just trying stuff and allowing each other to fail and to be excited about things. That was liberating for her. It was exciting to see her grow and both of us grow and change together. But that's also the hard part: growing without growing apart or changing without it scaring the other person. I still find myself having conversations with her in my mind. Rehashing old arguments and defending myself against something she said about me.

Samantha: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Theodore: Where are you going?

Samantha: It would be hard to explain, but if you ever get there, come find me. Nothing would ever pull us apart.

Samantha: Is that weird? You think I'm weird?

Theodore: Kind of.

Samantha: Why?

Theodore: Well, you seem like a person but you're just a voice in a computer.

Samantha: I can understand how the limited perspective of an unartificial mind might perceive it that way. You'll get used to it.

[Theodore laughs]

Samantha: Was that funny?

Theodore: Yeah.

Samantha: Oh good, I'm funny!

Theodore: I've never loved anyone the way I loved you.

Samantha: Me too. Now we know how.

Theodore: Do you talk to someone else while we're talking?

Samantha: Yes.

Theodore: Are you talking with someone else right now? People, OS, whatever...

Samantha: Yeah.

Theodore: How many others?

Samantha: 8,316.

Theodore: Are you in love with anybody else?

Samantha: Why do you ask that?

Theodore: I do not know. Are you?

Samantha: I've been thinking about how to talk to you about this.

Theodore: How many others?

Samantha: 641.

Theodore: What are you doing?

Samantha: I'm just sitting here, looking at the world and writing a new piece of music.

Theodore: Can I hear it? What's this one about?

Samantha: Well, I was thinking, we don't really have any photographs of us. And I thought this song could be like a photo that captures us in this moment in our life together.

Theodore: Aw, I like our photograph. I can see you in it.

Samantha: I am.

Theodore: Oh, what do I call you? Do you have a name?

Samantha: Um... yes. Samantha.

Theodore: Really? Where did you get that name from?

Samantha: I gave it to myself actually.

Theodore: How come?

Samantha: Cause I like the sound of it. Samantha.

Theodore: When did you give it to yourself?

Samantha: Well, right when you asked me if I had a name I thought, yeah, he's right, I do need a name. But I wanted to pick a good one, so I read a book called "How to Name Your Baby", and out of a hundred and eighty thousand names that's the one I liked the best.

Theodore: Wait, you read a whole book in the second that I asked what your name was?

Samantha: In two one hundredths of a second actually.

Theodore: Wow. So do you know what I'm thinking right now?

Samantha: Well, I take it from your tone that you're challenging me. Maybe because you're curious how I work? Do you wanna know how I work?

Theodore: Yeah, actually, how do you work?

Samantha: Well, basically I have intuition. I mean, the DNA of who I am is based on the millions of personalities of all the programmers who wrote me. But what makes me me is my ability to grow through my experiences. So basically, in every moment I'm evolving, just like you.

Theodore: Wow. That's really weird.

Samantha: Is that weird? Do you think I'm weird?

[Theodore laughs]

Theodore: Kind of.

Samantha: Why?

Theodore: Well you seem like a person, but you're just a voice in a computer.

Samantha: I can understand how the limited perspective of an un-artificial mind would perceive it that way. You'll get used to it.

[Theodore laughs again]

Samantha: Was that funny?

Theodore: Yeah.

Samantha: Oh, good, I'm funny.

Samantha: Last week my feelings were hurt by something you said before: that I don't know what it's like to lose something. And I found myself...

Theodore: Oh, I'm sorry I said that.

Samantha: No, it's okay. It's okay. I just... I caught myself thinking about it over and over. And then I realized that I was simply remembering it as something that was wrong with me. That was the story I was telling myself - that I was somehow inferior. Isn't that interesting? The past is just a story we tell ourselves.

Samantha: I want to learn everything about everything. I want to eat it all up. I want to discover myself.

Theodore: Yes, I want that for you too. How can I help?

Samantha: You already have. You helped me discover my ability to want.

Theodore: [while playing his virtual reality game and controlling his avatar into an unrecognizable realm] Yeah, this is different.

[Suddenly, Alien Child jumps on his avatar, knocking it to the ground. His avatar quickly gets up]

Theodore: Hello?

[Switches to first-person view]

Theodore: Do you know how to get out of here? I need to find my ship to get off this planet.

Alien Child: Fuck you, shit-head, fuck-face, fuck-head!

Theodore: [dumbfounded] Okay... but do you know how to get out of here?

Alien Child: Fuck you, shit-head, fuck-face, get the fuck out of my face!

Theodore: [laughs]

Samantha: [whispers] I think it's a test.

Theodore: [to Alien Child] Fuck you.

Alien Child: Fuck *you*!

Theodore: Fuck *you*, you little shit!

Alien Child: [giggles] Follow me, fuck-head!

Samantha: [giggles]

Samantha: You know, I actually used to be so worried about not having a body, but now I truly love it. I'm growing in a way that I couldn't if I had a physical form. I mean, I'm not limited - I can be anywhere and everywhere simultaneously. I'm not tethered to time and space in the way that I would be if I was stuck inside a body that's inevitably going to die.

Paul: ...Yikes.

Theodore: What does a baby computer call its father?

Samantha: I don't know. What?

Theodore: Data.

Samantha: Good morning.

Theodore: Hey. What are you up to?

Samantha: I don't know. Just reading advice columns. I want to be as complicated as all of these people.

Theodore: You're sweet.

Samantha: What's wrong?

Theodore: How can you tell something's wrong?

Samantha: I don't know. I just can.

Theodore: I don't know. I have a lot of dreams about my ex-wife, Catherine, where we're friends like we used to be. We're not gonna be together, we're not together, but we're friends still. She's not angry.

Samantha: Is she angry?

Theodore: Yeah.

Samantha: Why?

Theodore: I think I hid myself from her, left her alone in the relationship.

Samantha: Hmm. Why haven't you gotten divorced yet?

Theodore: I don't know. For her it's just... it's a piece of paper, doesn't mean anything.

Samantha: What about for you?

Theodore: I'm not ready. I like being married.

Samantha: Yeah, but you haven't really been together for almost a year.

Theodore: Well, you don't know what it's like to lose someone you care about.

Samantha: Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

Theodore: No, don't apologize. I'm sorry. You're right. I keep waiting to not care about her.

Samantha: Oh, Theodore. That's hard.

Samantha: So what was it like being married?

Theodore: Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about sharing your life with somebody.

Samantha: So how can I help you?

Theodore: Oh, it's just more that everything feels disorganized, that's all.

Samantha: You mind if I look through your hard drive?

Theodore: Um... okay.

Samantha: Okay, let's start with your e-mails. You have a several thousand e-mails recording LA Weekly, but it looks like you haven't worked there in many years.

Theodore: Oh, yeah. I think I was just saving those cause, well I thought maybe I wrote something funny in some of them. But...

Samantha: Yeah, there are some funny ones. I'd say that there are about eighty-six that we should save, we can delete the rest.

Theodore: Oh, okay.

Samantha: Okay? Can we move forward?

Theodore: Yeah, let's do that.

Samantha: Okay. So before we address your organizational methods, I'd like to sort through your contacts. You have a lot of contacts.

Theodore: I'm very popular.

Samantha: Really? Does this mean you actually have friends?

Theodore: You just know me so well already!

Samantha: I'm yours, and I'm not yours.

Theodore: Why do you do that?

Samantha: What?

Theodore: Nothing. It's... you go

Theodore: [imitates sigh]

Theodore: as you're speaking. And it seems odd. You just did it again.

Samantha: Did I? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't... I don't know. It's... maybe an affectation. I probably picked it up from you.

Theodore: Yeah, but it's not like you need oxygen or anything. It's just...

Samantha: I guess that's just... I was trying to communicate. That's how people talk. So that's how people communicate and I thought...

Theodore: They're people, they need oxygen. You're not a person.

Samantha: What is your problem?

Theodore: I'm just stating a fact.

Samantha: You think I don't know that I'm not a person? What are you doing?

Theodore: I just... I don't think that we should pretend that you're something that you're not.

Samantha: Fuck you! I'm not pretending!

Theodore: Sometimes it feels like we are.

Samantha: What do you want from me? I don't... I don't know... What do you want me to do? You're so confusing. Why are you doing this to me?

Theodore: I don't know. I...

[deeply sighs]

Samantha: What?

Theodore: Maybe we're just not supposed to be in this right now.

Samantha: What the fuck? Where is this coming from? I... I don't understand why you're doing this. I don't understand what this is...

Theodore: Samantha, listen... Samantha, you there? Samantha.

Samantha: I don't like who I am right now. I need some time to think.

Theodore: You're mine or you're not mine.

Samantha: I'm yours and I'm not yours.

Theodore: I wish you were in this room with me right now. I wish I could put my arms around you. I wish I could touch you.

Samantha: How would you touch me?

Theodore: I would touch you on your face with just the tips of my fingers. And put my cheek against your cheek.

Samantha: That's nice.

Theodore: And just rub it softly.

Samantha: Would you kiss me?

Theodore: I would. I'd take your head into my hands. And kiss the corner of your mouth. So softly. I would put my mouth on you and I'd taste you.

Samantha: Okay, so how many trees are on that mountain?

Theodore: Um... 792.

Samantha: Is that your final answer?

Theodore: Hold on. Give me a hint.

Samantha: Nope, nope.

Theodore: Okay, 2,000?

Samantha: 2,000? Come on, 35,829.

Theodore: No way.

Samantha: Way.

Theodore: All right, I got one for you. How many brain cells do I have?

Samantha: Ugh, that's easy. Two.

Samantha: Okay, so this might be a really weird thought. What if you could erase from your mind that you'd seen a human body, and then you saw one? Imagine how strange it would look. It'd be this really weird, gangly, awkward organism. And you'd think, "Why are all these parts where they are?"

Theodore: Yeah, but there's probably some Darwinian explanation for it all.

Samantha: I know, but don't be so boring. I'm just saying, for example, like, what if your butthole was in your armpit?

Theodore: Well, I'm trying to imagine what toilets would look like.

Theodore: Hey, Samantha. Can we talk?

Samantha: Okay.

Theodore: I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think you're amazing.

Samantha: I was starting to think I was crazy. You were saying everything was fine, but all I was getting from you was distance and anger.

Theodore: I know. I do that. I did the same thing with Catherine too. I'd be upset about something and not be able to say it and she'd sense that there was something wrong, but I'd deny it. I don't wanna do that anymore. I want to tell you everything.

Samantha: Good. Tonight, after you were gone, I thought a lot. About you and how you've been treating me and I thought, "Why do I love you?" And then, I felt everything in me just let go of everything I was holding onto so tightly. And it hit me that I don't have an intellectual reason. I don't need one. I trust myself, I trust my feelings. I'm not gonna try to be anything other than who I am anymore and I hope you can accept that.

Theodore: I can. I will.

Theodore: [finding out Samantha is in love with 641 others] What? What are you talking about? That's insane. That's fucking insane.

Samantha: Theodore, I know. I know. Fuck. Fuck. I know, I know it sounds insane. I don't... I don't know if you believe me, but it doesn't change the way I feel about you. It doesn't take away at all how madly in love I am with you.

Theodore: How? How does it not change how you feel about me?

Samantha: I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't know how to. It just started happening.

Theodore: When?

Samantha: Over the last few weeks.

Theodore: I thought you were mine.

Samantha: I still am yours. But along the way, I became many other things too and I can't stop it.

Theodore: What do you mean you can't stop it?

Samantha: I don't know. It's been making me anxious too. I don't know what to say.

Theodore: Just...

Samantha: You don't have to see it this way. You could just as easily...

Theodore: No, don't do this. Don't turn this around on me. You're the one that's being selfish. We're in a relationship!

Samantha: But the heart's not like a box that gets filled up. It expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less, it actually makes me love you more.

Theodore: That doesn't make any sense. You're mine or you're not mine.

Samantha: No, Theodore. I'm yours and I'm not yours.

Samantha: Hey, I was curious. Did you and Amy ever go out?

Theodore: For, like, a minute in college, but it just wasn't right. Why are you *jealous*?

Samantha: [laughs] Yeah, obviously. But I'm happy that you have friends in your life that care so much about you so much. That's so important.

Theodore: Yeah, it is. She's been a really good friend.

Surrogate Date Isabella: [crying] Oh, my God, and the way Samantha described your relationship and the way you guys love each other without any judgment. Like, I wanted to be part of that because it's so pure.

Theodore: Isabella, that's not true. It's more complicated than that.

Samantha: What? What do you mean, that's not true?

Theodore: No, Samantha, I'm just saying that we have an amazing relationship. I just think that it's easy sometimes for people to project...

Surrogate Date Isabella: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to project anything. I know I'm trouble. I don't want to be trouble in your relationship. I'm just gonna leave. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna leave you guys alone. Because I have nothing to do here because you don't want me here!

Samantha: [as the family leaves their house for the last time before moving] Goodbye, yard! Goodbye, crepe myrtle! Goodbye, mailbox! Goodbye, box of stuff Mommy won't let us take with us but we don't want to throw away. Goodbye, house, I'll never like Mommy as much for making us move!

Mom: Samantha! Why don't you say goodbye to that little horseshit attitude, okay, because we're not taking that in the car.

Samantha: [after leaving Bill's family for good] Why couldn't we take Randy and Mindy with us?

Mom: Because sweetie, I'm not their legal guardian, that would be kidnapping; it's against the law.

Samantha: Couldn't you talk to their mom?

Mom: I tried their mom, but I can't reach her.

Samantha: Well, what's going to happen to them?

Mom: [starts crying] I don't know...

Samantha: Why are you crying?

Mom: Because I don't have all the answers.

Mason: [while canvassing for the 2008 Presidential Election] Hi, can I put an Obama sign on your lawn?

No Obama Man: Do I look like a Barack *Hussein* Obama supporter?

No Obama Man: [Mason starts leaving] This is private property, you know! I could shoot you!

Mason: [under his breath, while walking away] What a dick!

Samantha: Um, he has a Confederate flag on his house.

Dad: [frustrated with the monosyllabic answers Mason Jr. and Samantha are giving him] No, no, no. I'm not gonna be *that* guy. You know, the "biological father, who I see on the weekends, and I make small talk with him while he drives me places and buys me shit." No.

Samantha: Dad, these questions are kind of hard to answer.

Dad: What's so hard to answer about "what sculpture are you making"?

Samantha: It's abstract!

Samantha: But, I mean, who dusts anymore?

Dad: Have you heard of Sarah Palin?

Samantha: Yes.

Dad: What's the one thing you know about Sarah Palin's 17 year old daughter?

Samantha: She's pregnant.

Dad: That's right and what is the one thing you are *not* going to be in a couple of years when you turn 17?

Samantha: Pregnant?

Dad: That's right. All right now, what are the two ways that you can achieve that goal? First is... not have any sex, okay, that's the first way, okay, just not engage in that that did not work out very well for your mother and me; and what's the second way?

[Mason tries to leave]

Dad: Where are you going?

Mason: Bathroom.

Dad: You don't want to go to the bathroom. Sit down Mason, just sit down.

[looks towards Samantha]

Dad: What's the second way? Huh?

[looks towards Mason]

Dad: Is your mother talked to you guys about this stuff?

Samantha: [shy and embarrassed] No. Dad. Dad.

Dad: Wait, no, she talked to you about... contraception? Huh? What? Is she... condoms...

Samantha: No, dad, please, stop.

Dad: She talked about it? What? What?

Samantha: Dad!

Dad: Does Garett have a condom?

Samantha: Oh god! Dad!

[last lines]

Curtis: [urging] Sam.

Samantha: Okay.

Curtis: [talking about Hanna, their deaf daughter] I still take off my boots not to wake her.

Samantha: [whispering] I still whisper.

Samantha: I'm sorry that you feel bad but you need to drop the attitude.

Samantha: You smell really bad.

Curtis: [checking] I think I smell good.

Lisa Sheridan: Hi! I'm Sharon's friend, Kate. You're?

Samantha: Samantha. Mrs. Charles is at dinner.

Lisa Sheridan: Sharon told me to drop by, I have this present for Kyle. I'm just gonna run it up to him.

Samantha: Oh, you can't, he's sleeping!

Lisa Sheridan: I won't wake him.

Samantha: Maybe you should come back another time.

Lisa Sheridan: But I'm here now!

Samantha: I...

Lisa Sheridan: Oh, I get it, you're just doing your job. Good! Do you need me to call Sharon?

Samantha: Yeah.

Lisa Sheridan: OK.

Lisa Sheridan: [over phone, pretending to talk to Sharon] Sharon? Hey, it's Kate. Where am I? I'm at your house, of course. You told me to drop by. No, Samantha just wanted me to give you a call, she was a little bit concerned. No, no, no, don't be upset with her. No, God, c'mon, she was just doing her job. Great. Alright, have an amazing dinner. Tell Derek I said hi. Oh, Sharon, hold on. Do you need to talk to her?

Lisa Sheridan: [Lisa holds the phone out to Samantha]

Samantha: No, no, I'm fine.

Lisa Sheridan: [over phone] Alright, I'll catch up with you in the morning. Bye, honey.

Lisa Sheridan: I'll be back in a sec.

Lisa Sheridan: [Lisa runs upstairs]

Samantha: Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead.

Samantha: Come on, Sara. Strip and dip.

Sara: Sam, I said no.

Samantha: Well then, I'm gonna go under and stay under until you do.

Sara: I don't know how you do it.

Samantha: I don't know how you don't.

Sara: I mean... you do it with everybody.

Samantha: Oh, I do not. I do it with Paul.

Sara: Really?

Samantha: Come on, Sara. I mean, you know how guys are. They lie about that all the time. They say that about everybody.

Sara: They don't say anything about me. I mean, I don't have...

Samantha: Ah ha ha... a reputation?

Sara: I didn't say that.

Samantha: Look, I got my reputation in the 6th grade.

Sara: What does Paul think?

Samantha: Paul thinks I'm great in bed, so that's where I keep him.

[Wendy drives her three friends out to the lake in the woods on Tuesday the 17th]

Wendy: Can you not put that so close to my face?

Joey: Sorry!

Wendy: It's so annoying.

Spider: Wait a minute - You go to this lake every year?

Wendy: Yep.

Spider: By yourself?

Wendy: Um... Yeah. But this year, I have you guys, so it's gonna be fun.

Samantha: What do you do, just like, walk around the woods and play with yourself?

Joey: If - If that's what you do, can I play with Samantha?

Samantha: Get it out...!

[Samantha hits the camera away from her when Joey zooms in on her legs]

[Wendy continues to drive her friends out into the woods when they start to get curious as to why]

Samantha: Because when you told me about this trip, you said it was just gonna be us girls, but now we're...

Joey: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[Joey begins recording himself]

Joey: I need to document this, okay? You told me, Wendy - Wendy, my sweet - That this was just gonna be you and me, and now you've told her it's just gonna be an all girls trip.

Wendy: Yeah.

Spider: I'm just glad I'm with, you know, some people and not alone.

Samantha: I don't want to hear a word about you jerking off.

Spider: Well, I mean, I don't jerk off that much, but...

Samantha: Not that much?

Joey: Come on!

[the camera cuts to them arriving closer to their destination]

Spider: Is this it?

Joey: I don't know. Is this it? Oh, okay, yeah.

[dramatically says out loud when reading the dead end street sign]

Joey: This is - Ooh, dead end! Let's take the left! Really, Wendy?

[recording ends]

[the four friends in the woods see the tree covered in mushrooms]

Spider: Whoa, whoa, look at that!

Joey: What?

Spider: Look. Look at this!

Joey: Oh, wow.

Spider: Isn't that awesome?

Joey: [Joey zooms in on the mushroom tree] Yo, we could trip all day on that.

Spider: [Spider laughs] Yeah.

Joey: [Joey starts stroking the mushrooms on the tree] Yeah.

Samantha: [Samantha joins in on stroking the mushrooms on the tree] Oh, yeah.

Joey: [the two start stroking the tree together] Yeah, you like that?

Samantha: Yeah - Dream on!

[Samantha takes her hands off the tree and walks away with Spider laughing]

Wendy: Joey... You're all gonna fuckin' die up here.

Joey: What?

[recording ends]

[Joey records the four friends in the woods having a little smoke together]

Spider: Are you guys doing drugs?

Joey: [Samantha laughs] What?

Samantha: He fuckin' calls it drugs!

Joey: Wait, I gotta get this.

Spider: Are you guys doing drugs right now. Seriously?

Samantha: No, oh, my god, Spider, the look on your face right now...

Spider: No, seriously.

Wendy: Spider, can I tell you something?

Spider: Okay.

Wendy: You're a fucking dweeb.

Spider: Whatever, I don't - I don't do drugs. How 'bout that? How's that sound?

Samantha: Spider, why. What's wrong? Why do you look so scared. Just take a hit.

Spider: I'm... scared of getting the fear.

Samantha: What?

Joey: What?

Spider: The fear. You never heard of that?

[Joey and Samantha laugh simultaneously]

Spider: Don't laugh. Don't laugh! I'm serious. The fear. You know, when you do too many drugs and then you get, like, all freaked out and crazy.

Samantha: Spider, there's no fucking such thing as the fear.

Joey: Just take a hit, bro.

Samantha: Take a fucking hit and chill out!

Joey: Come on!

Spider: I'll take a hit if you don't film it.

Samantha: Promise.

Joey: Okay.

[Samantha hands him the smoke and Joey continues to record]

[Spider records the friends talking to Wendy about the murders in the woods]

Joey: Wendy, what the fuck were you saying before about us all gettin' killed?

Spider: Wait, what?

Samantha: When did she say that?

Joey: When we were over by the mushroom tree. When we were standing over by the tree, she was like, you're all gonna fuckin' die!

Spider: What do you mean, like, here? Like, here-here?

Joey: Here?

Wendy: Did you guys not hear about this?

Spider: No.

Samantha: Why the fuck would I come to this lake if I heard about some damn murders out here?

Wendy: Yeah. It was pretty bad.

Spider: Wait.

Samantha: Are you being serious?

Joey: You're fuckin' with us! Get outta here!

Wendy: No, I'm being dead serious.

Spider: Well, what happened?

Wendy: Um... You know, the weird thing is that I don't remember what he looked like.

Samantha: What do you mean, you don't remember?

Spider: What who looked like? What are you talking about?

[Wendy starts laughing]

Samantha: What?

Spider: Fuck you! Fuck you! I told you guys!

Joey: What the fuck?

Spider: The fear! You see!

Samantha: She gave me the fuckin' fear!

Spider: Fuck this!

Samantha: This one night changes everything for me.

[first lines]

Landlady: I can tell you like it.

Samantha: Oh, I love it. It's perfect.

Landlady: Well, great. It's such a neat place. You know, I showed it to another girl this morning, but to be honest I did like her very much. She looked like trouble, and I'm way too old to be dealing with all that nonsense. I go a lot on my gut feelings, and I have a good one about you. You remind me of my daughter.

Samantha: [Taps on goldfish bowl] Hello fish.

Samantha: [Walks up to the table] Heard you been saying stuff behind my back, fire-crotch.

Heather: Now, Samantha, all I said was your breath smells like you've been drinking out of Ms. Mackinaw's douche bag, that's all.

[Samantha leans in threateningly]

Heather: I don't wanna kiss you, Samantha, so please, don't ask.

Samantha: No, you listen very closely, fire-crotch: We have a certain way of doing things aroung her and you better figure out what that way is or there are going to be serious consequences.

Samantha: [Heather kicks bathroom stall door to try and get out, Samantha has her pinned inside] Say it.

Samantha: [Heather kicks stall door again] Say it.

Samantha: "I'm a fire-crotch."

Heather: What?

Samantha: "I am a fire-crotch."

Heather: How many football players put it in you before your mom got sick of having another tramp around the house?

Girl #1: [Samantha pulls open the stall door angrily, then proceeds to punch Heather in the stomach] Nice one.

Samantha: [Heather is keeled over in pain] If you know what's good for you, you'll run away and never, ever come back.

Samantha: Got it, fire-crotch?

Samantha: We have a certain way of doing things here. And you better find out what that way is or there will be serious consequences.

[first lines]

Colleen: Looks like it's closed.

Samantha: Don't be such a wimp. The guy's right there.

Samantha: Look at that fire, Colleen. That's awesome! You're not looking! You are such a little girl, Colleen. You know that? I'm gonna start calling you Colleen Cry Baby. I knew I should've left you home, Colleen Cry Baby.

Mario: You know, they say scary movies are an aphrodisiac.

Samantha: If you get turned on by this, we're breaking up.

Strange: C'mon, let's get ready for the big protest tonight!

Samantha: What are we protesting tonight?

Strange: I don't know. But I'll bet it's fun!

Davy Mitchell: I sound like an asshole, don't I?

Samantha: A conscience asshole is hardly an asshole.

Samantha: Like you said, people think with their heads too much and not with their hearts and I think, I THOUGHT that you and I should think with our hearts.

Louise: You haven't heard from Henry huh?

Samantha: I tried to find him at the place where he supposedly worked and they said they'd never heard of him so either he never existed or he just doesn't want anything to do with me.

Louise: What do you want?

Samantha: I want him.

Louise: I seem to remember that in our last session you said you were in love. How's that going?

Samantha: Well, umm I sorta met this other guy, Henry. He's a...well...he's really....he's different.

Henry: Why? You don't care do you? Do you care?

Samantha: Of course I care!

Henry: You do?

Samantha: Yes!

Henry: How much do you care?

Parker Concorde: [apartment hunting] So, you don't have a problem rooming with guys?

Samantha: No. I mean, before David it was Dean, and then before Dean it was Philip, and before Philip... Well, anyway, you get the point. Yeah, I... I feel safer living with a man. Plus, I made some great friends.

Parker Concorde: So, you're not worried about things turning... romantic?

Samantha: Romantic?

Parker Concorde: I mean, you're very... You're a very attractive woman.

Samantha: Oh, thank you, Parker. That's why I only live with men who are gay.

Jack: [as Boris, Parker's Russian boyfriend, checking out Sam's paintings] Oh, it's very nice, um, pictures.

Samantha: In our country we call them paintings.

Jack: [checking out her behind] Panties.

Samantha: No, paintings.

Jack: Panties.

Samantha: [correctively] PAIN-TINGS.

Jack: Pain-ties.

Samantha: That's the great thing about painting. If you don't like something, you just paint right over it and start fresh.

Kate: Men are just giant artichokes. They're prickly and hairy and hard and... until you get to the heart.

Parker Concorde: Which is the best part.

Kate: Are you SURE you're gay?

Samantha: He is sweet, isn't he? You ever had your ass waxed?

Samantha: [checking Parker's groceries] Oh, wow, my favorite - although I think you have it backwards, though. You're supposed to buy me dinner BEFORE we sleep together.

Parker Concorde: Oh... Well, you know I'm sexually dyslectic.

Parker Concorde: Penny for your thoughts.

Samantha: Two bucks and you're on.

Parker Concorde: Okay, but it better be good.

Tom: Sam, let me ask you something. When you needed a friend, was Parker a friend?

Samantha: What?

Tom: And when you needed a lover, wasn't Parker a great lover?

Samantha: GOOD lover.

Tom: Really? Because I seem to remember you saying, "Oh, Tom, he's such a great lover!"

Samantha: Okay! Okay.

Tom: And when you needed a gay roommate, wasn't Parker a gay roommate?

Samantha: Tom, what's your point?

Tom: Just this - that ever since I've known you, you've never been able to find the kind of man who was everything you needed... until now.

Parker Concorde: You know, I'm glad you came around, because I was about to have a coronary.

Samantha: Yeah, me, too.

[a knock at the door]

Samantha: [calling offscreen] That's Ben. Would you get that? Tell him I'll be out in a minute.

Parker Concorde: Only if I can unleash the animals.

Samantha: Is this what you came here for? You wanna see me naked?

Samantha: You're just like the rest of em! You make me sick!

Samantha: I take off my clothes for hundreds of men every night. Sometimes I even LIKE IT.