Sam Stone Quotes in Ruthless People (1986)


Sam Stone Quotes:

  • [Introducing his wife's toy poodle to his new Doberman pinscher]

    Sam Stone: Muffy, meet Adolph. Adolph, EAT MUFFY!

  • [first lines]

    Sam Stone: Carol, did I ever tell you why I married her?

    Carol: Yes, Sam, you told me many, many...

    Sam Stone: Her father was very, very rich, and very, very sick. The doctors assured me he'd be dead any minute. There wasn't a second to lose! I rushed right out and married the boss's daughter. He was so sick, it was like the Angel of Death was sitting in the room with him, watching the clock. They pulled the plug on him... he wheezed and shook for about an hour... and then... he stabilized. The son-of-a-bitch just got older and sicker. And older, and sicker, and older and sicker...!

    Waiter: More coffee, sir?

    Sam Stone: No!

    [the waiter leaves]

    Sam Stone: I couldn't wait any longer, so I went out and made my own fortune. The old fart hung in there for 15 years. Finally died of natural causes. I want the rest of that money! His money, her money, it's my money!

  • [about his wife and his plan to murder her]

    Sam Stone: I had to live with that squealing, corpulent little toad all these years. God, I hate that woman. I - I - I hate the way she licks stamps! I hate her furniture! And I hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps.

    [Sam imitates a whining nasal sound]

    Sam Stone: Ugh! And that filthy little shitbag dog of hers... "Muffy"!

    Carol: Aren't you scared?

    Sam Stone: Scared? Hell, no. I'm looking FORWARD to it. My only regret, Carol, is that the plan isn't more violent.

  • Sam Stone: [sees Muffy and Adolph with his tuxedo] My tux. My silk tux. Et tu, Adolf? Et tu?

  • Sam Stone: [answering the phone] Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here, who's this? Well, Ralph, uh, Debbie can't talk right now, my dick's in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I'm done?

    [hangs up and laughs]

    Sam Stone: I love wrong numbers.

  • Ken Kessler: She's in bad shape, Sam. We've been torturing her.

    [He holds the phone to the stove, Sandy presses a tofu-burger, making a sizzling sound]

    Barbara: AAAAAH!

    [presses again]

    Sam Stone: Don't kill her! Don't kill her! I'll pay the ransom!

    Ken Kessler: Good, because not only we heard about your legal troubles, we also just found out your wife is worth quite a bit more than ten thousand.

    Sam Stone: What do you mean?

    Ken Kessler: We just changed our minds since you really now want your wife back, so we've upped the ransom.

    Sam Stone: To what?

    Ken Kessler: We're up to two million dollars.

    Sam Stone: TWO MILLION DOLLARS? Are you out of your fucking mind? Where'd you get an incredible figure like that?

    Ken Kessler: Oh, you'd be surprised at the quality and quantity of information a lit cigarette can provide.

    [Sandy presses again]

    Barbara: AAAAAH!

    Ken Kessler: WHAT ELSE?

    Sam Stone: [into phone] Shh! Shh! Shh!

    Barbara: Gems! He's got rare gems in a safe...


    Barbara: Oh Sam, forgive me!


    Barbara: I don't know!

    [Sam raises a fist as the sizzling comes again]


    Barbara: [stops Sandy] Four flawless one-carat diamonds!

    Sam Stone: [puts phone to shoulder] The bitch blabbed!

  • Sam Stone: What's this phone call about?

    Ken Kessler: We call to make you an offer. An offer you can't refuse.

    Sam Stone: Low?

    Ken Kessler: Yeah, $10,000.

    Sam Stone: Fat chance!

    Ken Kessler: Mr. Stone, this is no joke! We're desperate people! We...

    Sam Stone: Time out! I believe this is a joke pal and you're it! The last time we spoke you said my wife would be in the morgue if I didn't pay. Well, I didn't pay and just today I was at the morgue and she wasn't there. You lied to me! You know what I think?

    Ken Kessler: [beat] No.

    Sam Stone: You got no nuts! What do I have to do? Put a gun in your hand, aim and pull your finger down you spineless wimp! I dare you to kill her!

    [Sam hangs up]

    Sam Stone: Now that oughta do it!

  • [as bystanders jump off the Santa Monica Pier to grab the ransom money floating up]

    Sam Stone: You can't do that! That's not your money! That's my money!

    [grabs a nearby police officer]

    Sam Stone: STOP 'EM!

    [throws him off the pier and into the bay]

  • Barbara: [on the phone with Sam] Do you have it all? 2.2 million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills?


    Barbara: You miserable, scum-sucking pig!

    [normal voice]

    Barbara: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! They made me say that.

    Sam Stone: Yeah, it's all here.

    Barbara: And you have it all in a briefcase?


    Barbara: You scumbag, you low-life motherfucker!

    [normal voice]

    Barbara: Oh, dear. They made me say that too!

  • [Sam, seeing the police will let Ken go, grabs the briefcase with the ransom money in it]

    Sam Stone: [struggling with Ken] Gimme back my money!

    Ken Kessler: What are you doing? Let go!

    [to the police]

    Ken Kessler: Tell him to let go! If he doesn't let go I give the order to kill Mrs. Stone!

    Sam Stone: Go ahead! Give the order!

    Ken Kessler: She's a dead woman if he doesn't!

    Sam Stone: [pulls out a gun and points it at Ken's chin] All right... drop it! Punk!

    [Ken lets go of the briefcase when a nearby payphone rings. Sam takes the briefcase and goes to answer the phone]

    Sam Stone: [into the phone] Hello?

    Lt. Bender: [into the phone] This is Lieutenant Bender. What are you doing?

    Sam Stone: What does it look like? I'm taking back my money! You've got your man. The rest is your problem!

    Lt. Bender: Mr. Stone, you may be guilty of obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting a known felon, accomplished a kidnapping and possibly murder. If you really want to clear yourself, my advice to you is to drop your gun and give him back the bag. We have 140 police officers, 75 police cars and two helicopters. I promise you, he WON'T get away!

  • [Barbara has been kidnaped]

    Barbara: My husband worships the ground I walk on! When he hears about this, he will *explode*!

    [Meanwhile, Sam Stone pops a champagne cork with glee]

    Sam Stone: Bye-bye, Barbara!

  • Policeman: Sam Stone, you're under arrest.

    Sam Stone: For mixing cotton with silk?

  • Sam Stone: A bad salesman will automatically drop his price. Bad salesmen make me sick.

    [Later, Ken calls Sam, who says he doesn't have enough money for the ransom]

    Ken Kessler: Well, what about... less?

    Sam Stone: [covers the phone] You make me sick.

  • [Sam is on the phone to an attack-dog company]

    Sam Stone: Yes, your attack dogs. Do they just attack people or can you get them to attack little dogs?


    Sam Stone: Well, what if you starve them for a while?

  • [Detective Walters notices a puddle on the floor of the mansion and takes a taste. Sam quickly explains]

    Sam Stone: It's the dog. She's not properly house-trained.

    [the other policemen look disgusted]

    Lt. Walters: No. It's sweet.

    Sam Stone: The dog's a little diabetic.

  • Sam Stone: I'm not asking you to screw the dog, Carol. It's for me!

  • Sam Stone: [answers phone] Hello?

    Ken Kessler: [voice] Mr. Stone, listen very carefully. We have kidnapped your wife. We have no qualms about killing her and we'll do so at the slightest provocation. Do you understand?

    Sam Stone: Who the hell is this? Is this some kind of a joke?

    Ken Kessler: [voice] I have no patience for stupid questions, Mr. Stone, and I don't like repeating myself! Do you understand?

    Sam Stone: [face lights up] All right. I'm sorry, please continue.

    Ken Kessler: [voice] You are to obtain a new, black, American Tourister briefcase, Model Number 8-1-0-4. Do you understand?

    Sam Stone: Yes.

    Ken Kessler: [voice] In it, you will place $500,000 in unmarked, non-sequentially numbered $100 bills. Do you understand?

    Sam Stone: Sure.

    [as the conversation goes on, a smile appears on Sam's face, and gets wider and wider... ]

    Ken Kessler: [voice] Monday morning at 11:00 a.m., you will proceed with case in hand to Hope Street Plaza, and wait for a phone to ring. You will receive further instructions then. Do you understand?

    Sam Stone: Yes, I do.

    Ken Kessler: [voice] You will be watched at all phases of execution. If you fail to appear at the designated time, or if any phase is not carried out to our complete satisfaction, it will be considered an infraction of the rules, and your wife will be killed. Do you understand?

    Sam Stone: I believe so.

    Ken Kessler: [voice] If you notify the police, your wife will be killed. If you notify the media, she will be killed. If you deviate from our instructions in any way whatsoever, she will be killed. Do you understand?

    [Sam's grin is about to split his face open]

    Sam Stone: Perfectly.

    [Cut to later, outside the Stone mansion, as fleets of police cars and news vans pull up!]

  • Sam Stone: Hello?

    Ken Kessler: All right, Mr. Stone. We came very close to killing your wife. But she begged us, repeatedly, for just one more chance. So in the spirit of compassion and mercy, we decided not to kill her just yet.

    Sam Stone: "Compassion and mercy?" What the hell's going on over there? I thought you people were ruthless!

    Ken Kessler: We are, Mr. Stone!

  • Martha: You-ness. Me-ness. Us-ness. We-ness.

    Sam Stone: [snorts]

    Martha: Your-ness. My-ness. Our-ness. Happiness.

    Harvey Holroyd: [whispering] Sickness.

    Kate Linville Holroyd: [whispering] Harvey!

    Martha: And now, Bill, I'd like to hear where your head is at.

    Bill: Thank you, Martha, for pushing my button.

    Stokely: [shakes head in disbelief]

    Bill: Thank you for inviting me to participate in your life, for I am an asshole. And being an asshole is neither good nor bad. It just is.

    Reverend Spike: I think that says it all.

    Harvey Holroyd: [whispering] These are exciting times, aren't they? Gas is over a dollar a gallon and it's okay to be an asshole.

    Kate Linville Holroyd: [whispering] Shh!

  • Harvey Holroyd: You know Kate, and the way she feels about polluting the atmosphere.

    Sam Stone: What has the atmosphere ever done for you?

    Harvey Holroyd: Not much lately.

    Sam Stone: You know, Angela's on that ecology committee, too. Big deal. Last month they saved the condor. You ever see a condor?

    Harvey Holroyd: Not up close.

    Sam Stone: Scare the shit out of you!

  • Sam Stone: Harvey, will you be good to yourself and use your car? Will you take a look at this? 6,000 pounds of solid comfort. It takes up space, it pollutes the atmosphere, it scares the birds, fuck 'em. I love it!

  • Sam Stone: Did you see Carson last night?

    Harvey Holroyd: No, I missed it.

    Sam Stone: Johnny had this chick on with incredible jugs, and he turned to the audience and says "We'll be right back after a few tits from our sponsor."

    Harvey Holroyd: Come on.

    Sam Stone: I swear to god. I swear to god! I almost fell out of bed!

  • Angela Stone: I think it's wonderful that Martha and Bill have a marriage contract that spells out everything. I wish we had a contract.

    Sam Stone: You mean like who takes out the garbage? That kind of everything?

    Bill: Every kind of everything. How often, who starts it, everything.

    Sam Stone: You mean nookie?

    Angela Stone: Sam.

    Bill: Sexual responsibilities are covered, yes.

    Sam Stone: He means Nookie!

    Angela Stone: Oh, Sam, for god's sake.

    Sam Stone: Where do I sign? It's gotta be better than my present deal.

Browse more character quotes from Ruthless People (1986)