Sam Quotes in Taken (2008)

Sam: The specialty of the groups coming out of this area is trafficking in women.

Bryan Mills: Keep going.

Sam: Okay. Their previous MO was to offer women from the emerging East-European countries like Yugoslavia, Romania, Bulgaria jobs in the west as maids and nannies. Once they smuggled them in, they'd addict them to drugs and turn them into prostitutes. Lately, however, they've decided that it's more economical just to kidnap traveling young women. Saves on transportation costs.

Lenore: [crying] Not my little baby.

Bryan Mills: What else?

Sam: Based on what they know about the way these groups operate, our analyst says you have a ninety-six hour window from the time she was grabbed.

Bryan Mills: To what?

Sam: To never finding her.

Sam: Am I on speaker or are you by yourself?

Bryan Mills: Lenore is here.

Sam: Hey, Lennie.

Lenore: Hello, Sam.

Bryan Mills: She needs to hear it, Sam.

Sam: The specialty of the groups coming out of this area is trafficking in women. Their previous m.o. was to offer women from emerging East European countries, like Yugoslavia, Romania, Bulgaria, jobs in the West as maids and nannies. Once smuggled in, they'd addict them to drugs and turn them into prostitutes. Lately, however, they've decided that it's more economical just to kidnap traveling young women, saves on transportation costs.

Lenore: Oh, my little baby.

Sam: Based on the way these groups operate, our analyst says you have a 96-hour window from the time she was grabbed.

Bryan Mills: To what?

Sam: To never finding her.

Lenore: No, no, no!

[while Sam is trapped in the car, an alien soldier approaches]

Sam: Mick...?

Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales: I got this.

Sam: You ready for this?

Alex Hopper: I'm going to walk up to him. Look at him right in the eyes.

Sam: What are you going to say?

Alex Hopper: Your daughter is the best thing that has happened to me in my entire life.It would be an honor to have your permission to marry her.

Alex Hopper: You give me five minutes, and I will get you your chicken burrito.

Sam: Five minutes... starting now.

Alex Hopper: [Swigs beer and burps] Chicken burrito time, I'm out!

Sam: Andy, What's happening?

Andrew Knightley: Gary thinks we should keep up with the crawl because they know what they're doing, but they don't know that we know what they're doing, and basically no one else has a better idea so, fuck it.

Gary King: We'll always have the disableds.

Sam: We'll always have the disableds.

Sam: If you think I'm going to have sex with you in the ladies, you're crazy!

Gary King: Why? The disabled's is out of order.

Sam: [as Gary follows her in the bathroom] What are you doing?

Gary King: What are you doing?

Sam: I'm going to the toilet...

Gary King: Well then, so am I!

Sam: Gary, you are out of your mind!

Sam: I'm just going to head to the loo.

Gary King: [Snickers and jumps off the couch to follow Sam in the bathroom] Nature called!

Sam: [repeated line]

Sam: Oh, crumbs!

[from the movie on Nancy's television]

Sam: You shot me in the gut.

Sam's Friend: It wasn't me, Sam. It was the babe.

Sam: This rotten town... it soils everybody it touches.

John: Six, Sam is coming with us.

Number 6: What? No way!

John: He's one of us now. We need to find his father.

[there is a slight pause]

Number 6: [to Sam] You slow us down, I'll shoot you myself.

Sam: And I believe you. Can we go now?

Sam: [after Sarah watches him kill a Mogadorian in cold blood] I play a lot of Xbox.

[John and Sam try to figure out what to do with the two pieces of the stone. Six rolls her eyes and walks over to them]

Number 6: All right, give me that, come on.

[she takes the stone piece Sam had in his hands]

Number 6: Thank you...

[as John and Six link the stone pieces together, it becomes one, and soon it begins to glow blue. After a long time of doing that, the stone turns to ashes, with nothing big seemingly happening]

Sam: Ah, well, that was disappointing...

Sam: Raided lost and found.

[tosses him a gaudy sweater]

Sam: Nobody loses anything cool.

John: You gotta be kidding me.

Sam: Dude, it was that or the Hannah Montana sweatshirt. You got off easy.

Sam: I'm Sam. What's your name?

Number 6: Jane Doe.

Sam: That's cool. It's cool. So, are you a number, too?

Number 6: [to John] Who is this tool?

[after Mark James has introduced himself to John, and hassled Sam. John hands Sam his skateboard, which has skidded across the floor]

Sam: Thanks. Gotta love the classics: Homecoming king versus the science nerd. Just get better with time, don't they?

John: Listen, Mark is...

Sam: Soon to be irrelevant. He's in the third year of the best four years of his life.

[opens John's locker for him, which John has been struggling to do, then walks away]

Sam: I came here to help you.

John: You have. Now go home.

Sam: [to John] Did you see what just flew out of that truck? And your dog just shape-shifted into one of them. I thought he was gonna eat me.

Sam: My entire childhood has been an episode of X-files. You know what it's like to feel something so strong, and everyday you keep telling yourself your Dad's gonna come back and take you away from this shithole? And that everything that we believed in was true, and that we're not crazy. Please.

[Jack is trying to get Sam's attention]

Jack: Hey!

[honks horn repeatingly]

Jack: I'm a cop! LAPD! There's a bomb on your bus! There is a bomb on your bus!

Sam: What?

Maurice the Tune Man: There's a -WHAT? FUCK!

[the bus is caught in a gridlock]

Annie: Hey, Sam?

Sam: [whispers under his breath] Shit!

Annie: SAM!

Sam: What?

Annie: Why don't you just drive around these people?

Sam: Don't spit on my bus, Annie.

Sam: Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt. That's the first thing they teach you.

Vincent: Who taught you?

Sam: I don't remember. That's the second thing they teach you.

Spence: You ever kill anybody?

Sam: I hurt somebody's feelings once.

Spence: You worried about saving your own skin?

Sam: Yeah, I am. It covers my body.

Spence: We got shooters here and here. I tell you an old trick.

Sam: Hey...

[rubs the board]

Spence: What's your problem?

Sam: Draw again. Draw it again. You're the ace field man. Draw it again. It's a simple diagram. Just draw it again. Draw what you saw. Draw it again! Draw it again!

Sam: [Spence remains silent. Sam takes the marker and draws on the board] Two shooters. Car comes through here. Shooters across each other. Kill each other dead. Oh my, where'd you learn that?

Spence: In the regiment.

Sam: What regiment was that?

Spence: The 22nd Special Air Service.

Sam: What's the color of the boathouse at Hereford?

[repeats]

Spence: I don't like your attitude!

Sam: What's the color of the boathouse -...

Spence: Fuck off!

Sam: What's - -you got the gun. I'm unarmed. Do something. Go ahead. Do something. DO SOMETHING.

[Spence spills the coffee cup and Sam subdues him]

Sam: Tell me about an ambush. I ambushed you with a cup of coffee!

Deirdre: You're scared!

Sam: Of course I'm scared! You think I'm reluctant because I'm happy?

[discussing interrogation techniques]

Larry: How did they finally get to you?

Sam: They gave me a grasshopper.

Larry: What's a grasshopper?

Sam: Lessee, two parts gin, one part brandy, one part Creme de Menthe...

Sam: All good things come to those who wait.

Sam: Either you're part of the problem or you're part of the solution or you're just part of the landscape.

Jean-Pierre: But you understand it.

Sam: What do you mean, I understand it?

Jean-Pierre: The warrior code. The delight in the battle, you understand that, yes? But also something more. You understand there is something outside yourself that has to be served. And when that need is gone, when belief has died, what are you? A man without a master.

Sam: Right now I'm a man without a paycheck.

Jean-Pierre: The ronin could have hired themselves to new masters. They could have fought for themselves. But they chose honor. They chose myth.

Sam: They chose wrong.

[Vincent has just removed a bullet from Sam's side]

Sam: If you don't mind, I'm gonna pass out.

[looking at Jean-Pierre's model]

Jean-Pierre: The Forty-Seven Ronin. Do you know it?

[Sam shakes his head]

Jean-Pierre: Forty-seven samurai, whose master was betrayed and killed by another lord. They became ronin - masterless samurai - disgraced by another man's treachery. For three years they plotted, pretending to be thieves, mercenaries, even madmen - that I didn't have time to do - and then one night they struck, slipping into the castle of their lord's betrayer and killing him.

Sam: Nice. I like that. My kind of job.

Jean-Pierre: There's something more. All forty-seven of them committed seppuku - ritual suicide - in the courtyard of the castle.

Sam: Well, that I don't like so much.

[Sam accepts a cigarette offered by Vincent]

Sam: So, are you labour or management?

Vincent: If I were management, I would not offer you a cigarette!

Deirdre: [Sam retrieves his gun from behind some crates] What exactly were you doin' back here?

Sam: Lady, I never walk into a place I don't know how to walk out of.

Deirdre: Then why are you gettin' into that van?

Sam: You know the reason.

Sam: So, how'd you get started in this business?

Dierdre: A wealthy scoundrel seduced and betrayed me.

Sam: Same with me. How about that?

Vincent: Under the bridge, by the river, how did you know it was an ambush?

Sam: When ever there is any doubt, there is no doubt. That is the first thing they teach you.

Sam: The only thing is that the map, the map is not the territory.

Sam: You aren't going in there?

Spence: Yeah I'm going in there, and so are you.

Sam: Why am I going in there?

Spence: Why? To protect me!

Sam: There is no protection there. If it's a come on we're fish in a barrel. What are you doing? Why do they want you in there? What are you, crazy?

Sam: Excuse me, could you tell me how to find the post office?

Man with the Newspaper: Do, uh, do I know you? No, I'm sorry, do I know you? Cause, uh, how did you know I speak English?

Sam: You got an English newspaper.

Gregor: So, what colour *is* the boathouse at Hereford?

Sam: How the fuck should I know?

Gregor: So what brought you here?

Sam: A fellow that doesn't work so well.

Gregor: The man in the wheelchair? How did he get there?

Sam: Seems to me that was in your neck of the woods back in the late unpleasantness.

[Sam deliberately tests Gregor by spilling the coffee and pushes Gregor's cup off the table. Gregor catches it very fast]

Sam: Good reflexes.

Gregor: Oh yeah, they die hard.

Vincent: A friend of yours?

Sam: Yeah, we went to high school together.

Vincent: Well, everyone's your brother 'till the rent comes due.

Vincent: Are you sure you can do this?

Sam: [Preparing to perform surgery on himself] Yeah. I once removed a guy's appendix with a grapefruit spoon.

Spence: You think too hard.

Sam: Nobody ever told me that before.

Spence: You ex military?

Sam: No, I got my job in the New York Times.

Sam: You're great in the locker room, pal, and your reflexes might die hard, but you're weak when you put your spikes on.

[Spence is walking into a possible ambush]

Vincent: Do you want to back him up?

[Sam shrugs]

Vincent: What would I profit from your death?

Sam: Well, you'd have the money.

Vincent: I have the money already.

[pause]

Vincent: [nods] I'll watch the back.

Vincent: [Gregor has just stolen the case for himself during a shoot-out] Where is Gregor?

Sam: Gregor fucked us!

Jean-Pierre: [in his modeling workshop] My hobby. One grows old.

Sam: I knew a lot of fellas, friends of mine, that just wanted to live to open a bar.

Jean-Pierre: Had they lived, would they have done it?

[Sam shrugs]

Jean-Pierre: Then they were spared their disillusion.

Vincent: It's a case for ice skates.

Sam: Why ice skates? And why would Gregor know an ice-skate case?

Vincent: He didn't have time to have it made. He didn't have time to have the fake case made. The Russians made it. The Russians made it.

Sam: We're following the wrong people.

[Sam peers at Jean-Pierre's samurai miniatures]

Jean-Pierre: My hobby. One grows old.

Sam: I knew a lot of fellas, friends of mine, that just wanted to live to open a bar.

Jean-Pierre: Had they lived, would they have done it?

[Sam shrugs]

Jean-Pierre: Then they were spared their disillusion.

Gregor: It would be nice to do something.

Sam: We are doing something. We're sitting here, waiting.

Gregor: [scoffs and walks away]

Vincent: What do you want for Christmas?

Sam: My two front teeth.

Sam: What's in the case?

Deirdre: That isn't necessary.

Sam: Is it heavy, is it explosive, is it chained to some unlucky bloke's wrist? Are we gonna have to chop it off?

Deirdre: All right. But I am not under any obligation to let you know...

Sam: If not, the price has gotta go up. I'll get you the case, but the price has gotta go up. If it's gonna be a amateur night, I want a hundred thousand dollars. I want it upfront. I want it in a bank account. I want another $100,000 when you get the case.

Deirdre: [after a phone conversation with someone] You'll get your money when we get the case.

Sam: The others too.

Deirdre: That is what I understood. We've gotten the word.

Vincent: [shaking Sam's hand] What was in the case?

Sam: [grins] I don't remember.

Vincent: [smiles] Lesson number two.

Sam: Keep in touch.

Sam: [Sam walking in hotel with Dierdre as they pass the Carousel; she rolls her eyes when he finishes saying:] You're my wife; maybe you want to look like it. It's just a game; just a game. Man and woman going for a walk and all that that entails. Piece of cake. Relax. Relax, darling.

[pause]

Sam: You look good cleaned up.

Bryce: Get out of the water. There are sharks everywhere, look.

Jared: Give me my mask and my fins real quick.

Bryce: You - No, you don't need a mask. There's a shark. I swear the God. He's big. He' looks like Jaws. Get out.

Jared: Yeah, I know, but I lost my watch.

Bryce: You lost - ? You need an arm to wear a watch. Would you get out of the water, stupid? Please?

Jared: Sam gave me this watch for my birthday.

Bryce: I don't care! Sam, get...

[Sam tosses to Jared his mask and fins]

Bryce: What are you doing?

Sam: He's fine. They're just curious.

Bryce: Oh, curious as to what? As to what? What his ass tastes like?

Jared: No way, it's Mr. OG Wannabe.

Bryce: What's up, you scruffy little beach rat?

[guys start wrestling]

Bryce: Okay. I'm gonna throw your ass right now. Watch.

[they end up on the floor]

Jared: Go to sleep, go to sleep.

Bryce: Okay, okay. Allright.

Jared: You've been spending way too much time in court.

Bryce: Wait, hold on, hold on. Don't move for a second. Oh, that feels really good.

Jared: You sick-ass.

[they stand up]

Bryce: What's up?

Jared: Good to see you.

Bryce: Good to see you too, bro.

Jared: How's New York treating you?

Bryce: It's paying me. A lot of bad guys need defending, I defend them. That's what I do.

Jared: That's still a scary thougt.

Bryce: [Looking at Sam] Oh, my God. Can I get a what-what and a side of french fries, please? Look at that body. It's ridiculous. Holy shit. How much have you missed me?

Sam: Oh, every minute.

Bryce: Oh, my God, it's so tight too. It's like that everywhere, even. It's good to see you, Sam. You know, if we had met first, you and I, things would be a lot different around these parts, you know that.

Sam: Easy cheesy.

Jared: Anyway. Okay, so you must be Lisa?

Amanda: Who's Lisa?

Bryce: Yeah, who the hell is Lisa?

[mute]

Bryce: Amanda. Amanda.

Jared: Amanda.

Sam: Hi, Amanda. I'm Sam. Welcome to the Bahamas.

Amanda: Hi. Nice to meet you you, Sam.

Jared: I'm Jared. Sorry about that.

Amanda: I love the Caribbean. Too hot to wear shirts, too hot to wear pants and we're two hot young ladies.

Sam: You dive?

Amanda: Yeah, I can keep up.

Jared: So how long you known this one for?

Bryce: I don't know, about 14 hours now. Picked her up last night at The Mercer...

Amanda: [interupts Bryce] I picked you up last night. Don't start lying already.

Sam: So you and Bryce.

Bryce: I think I'm in love. Serious.

Bryce: [Looks at Jared]

[laughing]

Bryce: I'm not serious.

Amanda: [about selling the cocaine] I told you she wouldn't be into it. She's so clean, she squeaks.

Sam: Shut up, you coke whore.

Sam: We found bodies. Don't you think we should tell someone?

Bryce: They're drug dealers, Sam. They're not missionaires flying care packages to starving kids in Africa, okay? Don't worry, their girlfriends will have new pimps before the milk in the refrigerator goes bad. It's fine.

Amanda: She's so clean, she squeaks.

Sam: Shut up, you coke whore.

Bryce: sam, amanda, stop alright. we are all in this together now right?

Sam: not me. not anymore.

Amanda: bye

[waving motion]

Jared: [sam starts leaving, jared goes after her] sam, sam, sam...

Sam: see ya on the ten o' clock news

Jared: what?

Sam: you heard me.

Jared: come on, sam, come on, what are you doing?

Sam: what is wrong with you?, a week ago you had too much integrity to work for scubabob and now you are working for feaking drug dealers?

Jared: baby...

Sam: i believe in you more than in the prospect of any treasure.

Jared: if we do this, just this one time... and it's over, that's it.

Sam: it's already over.

[sam leaves]

Jared: no come on, what are you talking about?, sam come on!, sam come on!

Sam: I believe in you more than the prospect of any treasure.

Sam: [to Jared] Last time you made chili and cornbread, your ex-girlfriend was on the island. And then, the time before that, you brought home a pregnant, flea-infested, three-legged dog.

Sam: [Sam arrives at Jared's boat that he's trying to repair] Hey.

Jared: Hey.

Sam: Smells good over there.

Jared: What?

Sam: Smells good in there.

Jared: Yeah, that's my famous chili and corn bread.

[pause]

Jared: What?

Sam: Last time you made your chili and corn bread your ex-girlfriend was on the island. Then, the time before that, you brought home a pregnant, flea-infested, three-legged dog.

Jared: Last time a storm came trough here, like that last one, Kam Jackson. You remember Kam Jackson? Found that golden cross, remember, on the north side of the island? That hurricane that just came trough here moved so much sand, who knows how many shipwrecks it uncovered?

Sam: So this is where your, uh, chili comes in?

Jared: No, I'm just saying I should be out there prospecting.

Sam: Quit your job?

Jared: No, I was fired, but it's all part of the plan. I'm just gonna get this thing going, get the boat shaped up, make a big find, and we'll live the rest of our lives on our own clock.

Sam: I thought we already were.

Jared: Yeah, but we'll be rich.

[he trips through a hole in the floor]

Sam: You okay? Here, let me see.

Jared: I'm all right.

Sam: Honey...

Jared: Stinking boat.

Sam: You know I'd live on this broken boat with you, right?

Jared: I love it when you say stuff like that.

[they end up kissing on the floor]

Bates: [Bates enters, on his boat, next to the boat on where Jared and Sam are making out] Hey. Hey. You guys okay?

Sam: Yeah.

Jared: Yeah, we're good, man. Just plugging a few holes, you know?

Sam: Hey?

[hits Jared on the chest]

Sam: Sea Robin looks great.

Bates: Yeah, we just finished it. We got her out to sea before the storm hits. We've been working every day since.

Jared: What the hell are you looking for, bro? They allready found the Titanic. You didn't hear about that?

Bates: Oh, you mean the one with the dishes? No, I only hunt for stuff that comes in gold and silver. You know that. He, Sam. Here.

[throws Sam a ring]

Bates: Found it this morning where we were blowing a site. Maybe this guy can find a stone to put in that thing.

[Jared gives him the finger]

Bates: Hey, I'm sorry about your boat. you want my guy to take a look at it?

Jared: No, I think it's looking pretty good. Got it under control.

Bates: All right. Well, the least I can do is offer. Word on the water is you're out of work. You can always come back and work for me.

Jared: No, that's cool, man. I got my own thing going now. You know, but if you wanna subcontract me, that's cool. We can work something out. Like a fifty- fifty kinda thing, you know?

Bates: You don't just take a rowboat out and find a treasure chest filled with gold. It took me almost 10 years of scraping till I found my first haul. Hey, I mean what I say. You need help getting back in the water, let me know. Okay?

[shouts]

Bates: Move it out.

Jared: Hey, Quinn. You wanna come work for a real captain, bro, you let me know, all right?

Bates: Are you a captain know? You know, the water goes outside of the boat.

[Sam laughs]

Bates: We'll see you, Sam.

[Sea Robin moves out]

Sam: Ask yourself, What do you want in life that money will get you?

[from trailer]

Sam: You've dreamt about finding buried treasure ever since you were a little kid.

Sam: [lighting his cigar] Jesus Christ, my heart's pounding.

Paul: That Montecristo's not helping, is it?

Sam: No. It's the adrenaline.

Paul: Yeah.

Sam: It's the only thing I miss.

Sam: What's Ron's weed room?

Brewis: It's a big room! Full of weed. And it's Ron's.

Pest: You're quite fit you know? Have you got a boyfriend?

Sam: Yeah.

Pest: You sure about him? Where is he? Cos he ain't exactly lookin' out for you tonight.

Sam: He's in Ghana.

Pest: You going out with an African then?

Sam: No... he... he's helping children. Volunteers for the Red Cross.

Pest: Oh... is it? Why can't he help children in Britain? Not exotic enough is it? Don't get a nice suntan. Tsst.

Sam: We should call the police.

Pest: You'd be better off calling the Ghostbusters love.

[last lines]

Sam: [to police officers] I know them. They're my neighbors. They protected me.

[Moses is being taken away by the police, because he had weapons he used against the aliens, and the neighbors become a crowd and start chanting, "Moses! Moses! Moses! Moses!" Both Moses and Pest are handcuffed inside the police wagon]

Pest: Moses, brother! Can you hear that? That's for you, man.

[Moses, his face still wounded by an alien, hears the chanting of his name; he looks up and smiles]

[the boys, running from an alien, have followed Sam into her apartment. She runs into her bedroom, shuts the door, looks for the phone - it isn't there in its cradle - so she lifts a guitar and charges back out]

Sam: Get out of my fucking flat!

[a couple of them glance at her, make derogatory noises because they're too busy worrying about the situation, and turn away]

Sam: I said, get out!

Moses: Yo, snitch. Calm yourself. This ain't about you no more.

Sam: Come anywhere near me, and I swear I will scream this fucking block down!

Jerome: There's worse things out there to be scared of than us, tonight! Trust it!

Dennis: Hey, bruv. I saw her ID card thing. She's a nurse, innit?

Pest: Help me, then! I need this leg. I need it to be able to run away from them things!

Sam: You think I'm going to help you? After you attacked me and robbed me, and then set those dogs on the police?

Dennis: Yes to the first two, no to the last one.

Pest: Dogs? What kind of dogs those? Dogs with no eyes? Dogs the size of gorillas? You think them things are dogs? Go out there and try feeding them some Pedigree Chum! They're ALIENS, luv!

Sam: Whatever the fuck they are, they're not fucking aliens!

Dennis: You swear too much, man.

Pest: Yeah, you got a potty mouth, man.

Jerome: Look, whatever they are, they're inside the Block now. They're after everyone.

Dennis: Yeah. We're on the same side, man. Get it?

[first lines]

Sam: [on phone] Hi mum!

[finding Pest in danger of being torn apart by an alien]

Sam: Follow me!

Sam: Is there anyone else? Is anyone else alive?

Leland: Define alive.

Sam: There's no one here. We only knew that you were here because of the knocking.

Leland: Yeah, but I didn't knock.

Sam: The world froze over a long time ago. So long ago that I can't remember the warmth of the sun. I heard stories growing up... How the planet grew hotter as our fuel was burned. How we made towers to work the weather. But the truth is... one day... it started to snow. And it never stopped.

Mason: Briggs is gone. I'm running things now.

Sam: When everyone's dead, huh? And you're king of the fucking castle, then what?

Mason: I'll still be running things.

Sam: What do you want?

Feral Leader: More...

Sam: This isn't right!

Mason: This is survival!

[shoots Hal]

Sam: Viktor! Fall back!

Viktor: No! No more running!

Sam: [to Mason] You're gonna need every bullet.

Sam: Doom Machine! You're still alive!

Peek: Yep, all five limbs. Sam, you owe me five pig ears, Hickory Smoked!

Butch: Okay, what do we got?

Peek: It's a kitten, A Russian blue!

Sam: And a number 2 and sector three.

Lou: Was she crazy? That steamer was bigger than me.

Butch: Nice work kid, You're sitting this one out. Sam, let me know when she leaves.

Sam: I don't see her.

Lou: But I was framed that cat. wait up, I want to help.

Sam: [Mrs Brody opens the front door and sees Peek and Sam] Look out human, sector four.

Peek: Human!, quick Sam, sniff my but.

Mrs. Mom Brody: Alright Break, it up! Break it up! Break it up!.

Peek: Cold nose!

Sam: Cold nose! Let's go.

Butch: Alright agent, let's meet the team.

Lou: Agent whoa.

Butch: Kid, look over there, that's Peek.

Lou: Peek? I don't get it.

Butch: Peek, show yourself.

[Peek appears from a man hole in a circle see through like tube under a bin]

Lou: Huh? oh my god!

Butch: Peek's early warning, He's got it all, Radar, sonar, thermo-imaging, odor-matrix. He can detect a non-residential cat from three blocks away.

Peek: Hi guys.

Butch: Peek, fall in.

Peek: Roger that.

Butch: Sam what's your twenty?

Sam: 1/18 of a kick east, I'm going to backtrack using a delta approach in three... two... one.

[Sam moves from bush to bush]

Peek: Hi guys. Oh no not again.

Sam: Where am I?

[Sam then rolls over to half way of the road]

Butch: Over here Sam.

[Sam then meets up with the others]

Sam: Request, permission to pant, heavily, sir

Butch: Granted. Boys I want you to meet, Lou.

Peek: Hey louie

Sam: Hey Lou

Peek: Human!

[as the the jogger jogs past she sees Butch near a fire hydrant, Peek digging in the ground and Sam holding a newspaper in his mouth]

Butch: Anyway, Lou here taking Buddy's spot in the hot seat, but Being fresh from the academy, he's current on the newest techniques, ain't you Lou?

Lou: Err, Hey guys, do you know this one? Here I go, here I go, I got ya, oh I just missed ya.

[Lou chases his tail]

Butch: Holy Chihuahua.

Victoria: [announcing to the audience] My selection tonight is dedicated to someone wonderful.

Danny: [looking at Sam] That's you!

Sam: [to Danny] No, no, no, it's not me she's talking about.

Victoria: [announcing to the audience] Someone who's life was quite literally saved by music.

Sam: [leaning over to Danny] That's you, my boy.

[last lines]

Victoria: My selection tonight is dedicated to someone wonderful.

Danny: [whispering to Sam] That's you.

Sam: Oh no, no, no, it's not me she's talking about.

Victoria: Someone whose life was, quite literally, saved by music.

Sam: That's you, my boy.

Sam: You okay?

Danny: She kissed me!

Sam: Yeah, she does that. How was it?

Danny: [pauses] Wet.

Sam: What else?

Danny: [smiles] Nice.

Sam: Wet. Nice. Sounds like what a kiss ought to feel like.

Sam: [teaching Danny about melons] It's also saying "I am ripe." You know what ripe means, don't you?

Danny: No.

Sam: Ripe means sweet, and sweet means good.

Danny: [smiles] The kiss was ripe!

Sam: In the market today, those men were fighting. You know that, right?

Danny: Yes.

Sam: And that didn't bother you?

Danny: No.

Sam: You weren't afraid?

Danny: No.

Sam: In those kinds of circumstances, people are usually afraid.

Danny: They weren't fighting me.

Sam: Shut the hell up!

Sam: That man can talk some serious shit.

Sam: Do you remember me telling you about where I grew up? In New York City?

Danny: Where Carnegie Hall is!

Sam: Yeah, well, that's where Victoria and I are from. That's our home.

Danny: This is your home.

Sam: No, no this is just a temporary home. We only came here so that Victoria could attend school. What I'm trying to say Danny, is after Victoria graduates, we're going to go back home. We're going to go back to New York. And, well I don't know how this would work out, but we would really like for you to come with us, because we've come to think of you as family, and well that's what families do - they stick together, at least this one does. So what do you say?

Victoria: Should I go get him?

Sam: No, let's let him get himself.

Victoria: Maybe he doesn't know how.

Sam: Well, then let's just give him the opportunity to learn.

Sam: There's nothing like self-discovery for turning a boy into a man.

Victoria: Why'd he leave?

Sam: Maybe he had some things to do.

Victoria: But I thought he was happy here.

Sam: Well, sweetie, sometimes being happy just isn't enough.

Sam: Sometimes people have to go back and fix the things that made them unhappy before they were happy

Victoria: But I could help him.

Sam: Sometimes people have to do things themselves.

Sam: When you first came to us, you were hurt pretty bad.

Sam: How did that happen?

Danny: I asked for a piano.

Sam: You asked who for a piano?

Danny: My uncle.

Sam: Oh, you do have family?

Danny: No.

Sam: But you just said you had an uncle.

Danny: He's dead.

Sam: Oh...

Sam: Victoria and I are not big on asking questions.

Sam: Figure when the person is ready, they'll give their answers. OK?

[first lines]

[Fred and Sam are hacking their way through the Avocado Jungle with machetes, then pause to take stock of their situation]

Fred: We're lost.

Sam: No, we're not - look! Over there!

[the camera zooms in on an avocado hanging from a twig. The two guys approach it, and Sam pulls the avocado into his hand. Fred takes it and stashes away]

Fred: Sam.

Sam: Yeah?

Fred: I think we should head back. We're getting in too deep.

Sam: Oh, don't - Wait a second. What's that I hear? It sounds like... women! Laughing!

Fred: Let's get outta here.

Sam: No, no, come on, man, don't be such a coward. Let's check this out!

[He gleefully pushes the foliage aside and strides forward; Fred follows. A small waterfall roars down into an idyllic scene: a pond filled with gorgeous women who have bare breasts and perfect tans. They are giggling, diving, and splashing around]

Sam: Look at them! They're beautiful! Aren't they the most lovely, sensuous, inviting women you've ever seen?

Fred: Let's get outta here.

Sam: What are you, nuts? Look at them!

Fred: They're dangerous!

Sam: They don't look dangerous.

[a brunette tosses a ball to a blonde. It's all very innocent-seeming]

Sam: They look... lonely.

[Fred looks at him incredulously]

Fred: [whispering] We have to get out of here.

Sam: Yeah? Well, I'm gonna go introduce myself. Yoohoo! Ladies! Ladies!

[a moment later, the Amazons are armed with bows and arrows. Sam falls dead with an astonished look on his face. Fred turns to run, and in a parody of all the clichés, trips and falls - as the Amazons pursue him]

Bill: That's enough of that for you. The convention's over. I want you to taper off.

Bill: No more!

Sam: You should've stuck to the Blue Nun.

Arnie: We've got a plane to catch, Sammy boy!

Bill: [Drunk] We've got a plane!

Arnie: Bartender, another one all around.

Bill: No more!

Sam: [sings] California here I come right back where!

[Glass shatters - Mrs Devaney has her drinking glass knocked out of her hand at the airport by Sam]

Sam: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Oh excuse me...

Bill: Oh Sammy! I'm sorry he's a little sloshed. You know what I mean?... Listen, we'd like to buy you a drink.

Mrs. Devaney: Well, maybe a little bourbon on the rocks.

Bill: You got it. Nurse, bourbon on the rocks for the lady, please.

Mrs. Devaney: With a small beer chaser.

Arnie: Jesus Christ, a boilermaker.

[Mai is teleported into a fighting stage, which is in the form of a freezer warehouse]

Sam: Hello, Mai.

Mai Shiranui: [smiles] Why did you pick this freezing hole?

Sam: Payback. Remember that sauna you chose last time?

Mai Shiranui: Hey, does your mother know you're wearing her coat?

Sam: It was a gift!

[as Sam is thrown against a stack of crates, a ball of snakes suddenly appears above him]

Sam: What the hell is that?

Mai Shiranui: That'll be my victory.

Richard "Ditch" Brodie: What are these markings?

Sam: They're Cyrillic.

Richard "Ditch" Brodie: From Syria?

[repeated line]

Sam: Nice fucking car, Rob.

Toy Robot: [Sam is practicing fitting underneath a grid, and everytime she touches the line, the robot goes off] Access Denied!

Sam: I'm warning you.

Toy Robot: Access Denied!

Sam: *Ugh!*

Toy Robot: Access Denied! Access Denied!

Sam: Oh, that's it, you're dead!

Kevin: Hey hey hey hey, leave our son alone! He's just doing his job, aren't you Robo-Boy?

Eli Cross: [after Sam asks why Cross is keeping Cameron on the shoot] He helps me to understand the young man in the film.

Sam: Bullshit.

Eli Cross: True.

Eli Cross: [Sam has suggested including a risque artifact in a poignant scene] You'll get a belly laugh, Sam!

Sam: What do you mean? What are you talking about? They'll break their hearts over it!

Eli Cross: No no no, there won't be a dry seat in the house!

Sam: Was she supposed to be a virgin?

Cameron: [softly, after a reflective pause] Yeah.

Sam: I had a virgin once. I had to fly to Guatemala for her. She was blind in one eye and had a stuffed alligator that said "Welcome to Miami Beach."

Eli Cross: Sam, this picture is my child. What would you say if the studio said your daughter Jennifer would look better with her fingers chopped off?

Sam: Well, being an insecure writer, I'd call my agent and get a second opinion.

Sam: [his madhouse scene having been replaced with a brothel scene] Eli, do you know that when I read the insane asylum scene to my family, do you know that my oldest son shook my hand for the first time in his whole life? So why is it, Eli, why is it that your vulgar little scene turns out to be so much more moving? So much more impassioned?

Eli Cross: Ah, I don't know, Sam. Possibly because we realize that our friend, the enemy, may just be a poor horny slob, like yourself, falling into the nearest whorehouse.

Sam: What's wrong, Eli?

Eli Cross: Wrong? The scene's wrong. That's what's wrong.

Sam: The scene plays like a dream. Plays like "Marat/Sade."

Eli Cross: It was shit.

Sam: Shit? Shit, huh? Who was that that called me on the phone when he first read it, woke me up in the middle of the goddamn night, raving about the magical madhouse scene? Who was that? My upstairs maid, Eli?

Eli Cross: Still shit.

Eli Cross: [after an effects shot involving a dummy has gone wrong] It's so awful, it's beautiful. I do wish I could use it.

Sam: That's all we need.

Eli Cross: Well, we need something, Sam, and damn well you know it. Something better.

Sam: Better? How better?

Eli Cross: Something less boring. Something crazier.

Sam: A dead man's boots are dropped over his own airfield out of chivalry. That's not crazy enough for you, huh?

Eli Cross: They did it in a film called "Wings." Even the dummy was bored.

[Frank is using Sam as a shield as Noelle aims a gun at him]

Frank: Did you do it for Noelle, or for the money?

Sam: She is cute, isn't she?

[Noelle shoots Sam]

Sam: Ahh! You hit me, you bitch!

Noelle: Sorry honey, but I did it for the money.

Frank: Looks like she fucked us both.

Sam: Yeah. Hey, you want her back?

Sam: She's not bad looking.

Noelle: [jumping in his lap] Is she cuter than me?

Sam: Much, much cuter than you. But your teeth are sharper.

Noelle: That fucking bitch was out of line.

Sam: Hey, are you OK?

Noelle: No, I want a hug.

[from trailer]

Dan: Suppose it'd be inappropriate to ask for leave on the grounds of compassion at this late juncture?

Sam: What grounds would they be then?

Dan: On the grounds that I don't wanna get me head blown off.

Albert: I don't know about this, Sam. Those fires look awfuly close and they're getting closer.

Sam: Just think of your pension.

Albert: I am thinking about it. I'm thinking about how I'm gonna live to collect it!

Sam: I got trouble, Mr T.

Mr. T: What kind, Sam?

Sam: My brother. They got him in jail again.

Mr. T: For what?

Sam: Burglary.

Mr. T: With a gun?

Sam: Yes. Fool wouldn't use his head!

Mr. T: You don't need me man, you need a bail bondsmen.

Sam: I can't get nobody to go bond for him. You know he ran out one time, Mr T.

Mr. T: He ran out more than once Sam and you know it, don't jive me.

Sam: Tha-that's why I come to you, Mr T. He wouldn't run out on you.

Mr. T: He skip on me, I feed him to the dogs.

Sam: He know that, Mr T.

Sam: My brother, he's in the slammer! He skipped one time, Mr. T.

Mr. T: That son of a bitch skipped twice. Don't jive me, Sam.

Sam: That's why I came to you. He wouldn't run out on you.

Mr. T: He run out on me, I'd feed him his ass in pieces.

Chung: [Jeff gets into a fight with Hoodlum, the Thailand crime boss and after escaping Hoodlum's thugs, the group tries to consider what their options are] We've had it! That bastard runs the whole damn city! There's no other choice, we've gotta kill him.

Jeff: And what good's that? Can't kill his whole gang.

Mona: [to Sam] Do you think you could offer him more interest on the $40,000?

Sam: That won't work. It's our lives he wants not money.

Chung: Are you crazy? Think he'd refuse money?

Jeff: Money? He's got loads. I made him lose face!

Sam: [Sam has a plan to pay off the loan to Hoodlum] Hey I've got an idea, listen up.

Mona: What is it?

Jeff: Rob a bank?

[everyone is silent when Jeff says this]

Jeff: Is that it?

Sam: I think it's a great plan. If we pull it off, we're rich. And we can go anywhere.

Mona: What? Us rob a bank? Sam wake up.

Chung: Why not? It's worth a shot.

Jeff: Yeah, well you guys just keep dreaming. Forget about it. We're in enough shit.

Sam: Waht the hell can we do?

Jeff: Why'd you take the cash? Huh?

[Jeff is so frustrated at the situation, he gets up from the table and leaves]

Jeff: .

Sam: Hey, Susie! What do you think of this one? She's somethin', isn't she?

Susie: If you like the sound of gravel.

Jiro: Sam!

Sam: Yes, Master!

Jiro: Stop calling me "Master".

Sam: Yes, Master!

[Sam's answering machine]

Sam: Hi, it's Sam. Leave me a message... or else.

[Discussing Jeremiah's sermon]

Sam: It definitely shows that you know the Bible. It's just... very long.

Jeremiah: It's as long as it should be.

Sam: I know, I know. It's just a lot of... detail to take in all at once.

Jeremiah: Sam, that's the whole point. The detail is what makes the passage so relevant.

Sam: It's not the passage. It's just... if you could deliver with a little more . . .

Tex: [interrupting] Sermon sucked, brother.

Sam: I made a promise, Mr Frodo. A promise. "Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to. I don't mean to.

Frodo: Go back, Sam. I'm going to Mordor alone.

Sam: Of course you are. And I'm coming with you.

[last lines]

Frodo: Mordor... I hope the others find a safer road.

Sam: Strider'll look after them.

Frodo: I don't suppose we'll ever see them again.

Sam: We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may.

Frodo: Sam... I'm glad you're with me.

Sam: This is it.

Frodo: This is what?

Sam: If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.

Frodo: Come on, Sam. Remember what Bilbo used to say: "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

[Sam bashes Goblins with his frying pan]

Sam: Think I'm gettin' the hang of this!

[Gandalf snatches Sam, who was sneaking around]

Gandalf: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee. Have you been eavesdropping?

Sam: I ain't been droppin' no eaves sir, honest. I was just cutting the grass under the window there, if you'll follow me.

Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge, don't you think?

Sam: I heard raised voices.

Gandalf: What did you hear? Speak.

Sam: N-nothing important. That is, I heard a good deal about a ring, and a Dark Lord, and something about the end of the world, but... Please, Mr. Gandalf, sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anything... unnatural.

[Sam jumps from his hiding place]

Sam: Hey. Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me.

Elrond: No, indeed. It is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.

[about the passing Wood-elves]

Frodo: They're going to the harbor beyond the White Towers. To the Grey Havens.

Sam: They're leaving Middle-earth.

Frodo: Never to return.

Sam: I don't know why - it makes me sad.

Sam: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took.

Merry: What? That was just a detour, a shortcut.

Sam: Shortcut to what?

Pippin: Mushrooms!

[after Frodo is stabbed by the Witch King]

Aragorn: Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?

Sam: Athelas?

Aragorn: Kingsfoil.

Sam: Kingsfoil, aye, it's a weed.

Aragorn: It may help to slow the poison. Hurry!

Galadriel: For you, Samwise Gamgee, Elven rope, made of hithline.

Sam: Thank You M'Lady... Have you ran out of those nice shiny daggers?

Rose 'Rosie' Cotton: Good night, lads.

Sam, Frodo: Good night.

Ted Sandyman: [kneels before Rosie] Good night, sweet maiden of the golden ale.

Sam: Oi, mind who you're sweet talking!

Frodo: Don't worry Sam, Rosie knows an idiot when she sees one.

Sam: ...does she?

Sam: [sees the walls of Moria] There's an eye-opener, and no mistake.

Sam: [of Gandalf] They should do a bit about his fireworks. The finest rockets ever seen burst in colors of blue and green, then after that were silver showers that came falling like a rain of flowers. Oh no, that doesn't to them any justice.

Sam: [Both are overcome by exhaustion] Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon. And the orchards will be in blossom. And the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they'll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields... and eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?

Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass. I'm... naked in the dark, with nothing, no veil... between me... and the wheel of fire! I can see him... with my waking eyes!

Sam: Then let us be rid of it... once and for all! Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you!

Galadriel: The power of the Three Rings is ended. The time has come... for the dominion of Men.

Elrond: [in Elvish] The Sea calls us home.

Bilbo: [smiling] I think I'm... quite ready for another adventure!

[Bilbo climbs on board with Elrond. Galadriel follows with Celeborn]

Gandalf: Farewell, my brave Hobbits. My work is now finished. Here at last, on the shores of the sea... comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.

[Heads to the ship, then turns around, waiting]

Gandalf: It is time, Frodo.

Sam: What does he mean?

Frodo: We set out to save the Shire, Sam. And it has been saved... But not for me.

Sam: [weeping] You don't mean that. You can't leave.

Frodo: [hands Sam the Red Book] The last pages are for you, Sam.

Sam: I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you.

[as he kills the three Orcs guarding Frodo]

Sam: That's for Frodo! And for the Shire! *And that's for my old Gaffer!*

Frodo: [after destroying the Ring] I can see the Shire. The Brandywine River. Bag End. The Lights in the Party Tree.

Sam: Rosie Cotton dancing. She had ribbons in her hair. If ever I were to marry someone, it would have been her. It would have been her.

[sits down and begins to cry]

Frodo: [leans over and hugs him] I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all things.

Sam: FRODO!

Frodo: I'm here, Sam.

Sam: Destroy it!

[Frodo holds the ring on its chain over the edge of the pit]

Sam: Go on! Now! Throw it in the fire!

[Frodo stares at the ring, the ring whispers to him]

Sam: What are you waiting for? Just let it go!

[Frodo turns and looks at Sam]

Frodo: The ring is mine.

[He snaps the chain and approaches the ring to his finger]

Sam: No... no...

[Frodo slips the ring on and vanishes]

Sam: NO!

[last lines]

Sam: Well, I'm back.

Sam: [reading the book's title] There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale by Bilbo Baggins, and The Lord of the Rings by Frodo Baggins. You finished it.

Frodo: Not quite. There's room for a little more.

Sam: Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon. And the orchards will be in blossom. And the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they'll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields... and eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?

Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food... Nor the sound of water or touch of grass... I'm naked in the dark, with nothing. No veil between me and the ring of fire. I can see him with my waking eyes!

Sam: Then let us be rid of it! Once and for all! Come on Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you! But I can carry you! Come on!

[He picks Frodo up and starts carrying him up the slopes of Mount Doom]

Sam: Give me your hand. Take my hand. Don't you let go. Don't let go... *Reach!*

Sam: What are you up to? Sneaking off, are we?

Gollum: Sneaking? Sneaking? Fat Hobbit is always so polite. Smeagol shows them secret ways that nobody else could find, and they say "sneak!" Sneak? Very nice friend. Oh, yes, my precious. Very nice, very nice.

Sam: All right, all right! You just startled me is all. What were you doing?

Gollum: Sneaking.

Sam: I don't think there will be a return journey, Mr. Frodo.

Galadriel: The power of the Three Rings is ended. The time has come... for the dominion of Men.

Elrond: I Aear c?n ven na mar.

[Elvish: The Sea calls us home]

Bilbo: I think I'm... quite ready for another adventure.

[Climbs on board with Elrond. Galadriel gets on boat with Celeborn]

Gandalf: Farewell... my brave Hobbits. My work is now finished. Here at last, on the shores of the sea... comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say, Do not weep... not all tears are an evil.

[Heads to the ship, then turns around, waiting]

Gandalf: It is time, Frodo.

Sam: What does he mean?

Frodo: We set out to save the Shire, Sam. And it has been saved. But not for me.

Sam: You don't mean that. You can't leave.

[Gorbag advances towards Frodo with a knife]

Gorbag: I'm gonna bleed you like a stuck pig.

[Gorbag is stabbed from behind by Sam]

Sam: Not if I stick you first.

Sam: You can't go walking through Mordor in naught but your skin.

Gollum: Wake up. Wake up. Wake up, sleepies. We must go, yeeees, we must go at once.

Sam: Haven't you had any sleep, Mr. Frodo?

[Frodo shakes his head]

Sam: I've gone and had too much... it must be getting late.

Frodo: No, it isn't. It isn't midday, yet. The days are growing darker.

Gollum: Come on! We must go, no time!

Sam: Not before Mr. Frodo's had something to eat.

Gollum: [impatiently] No time to lose, silly!

Sam: [Gives Frodo lembas] Here.

Frodo: What about you?

Sam: Oh, no, I'm not hungry. Leastways, not for lembas bread.

Frodo: Sam...

Sam: All right... we don't have that much left. We have to be careful, we don't want to run out. You go ahead and eat that, Mr. Frodo. I've rationed it... there should be enough.

Frodo: Enough for what?

Sam: The journey home.

Sam: [Frodo is being drawn toward Cirith Ungol] No, Mr. Frodo!

Gollum: [in a panic] Not that way! Oh! What's he doing?

Sam: It must be getting near tea-time, leastways in decent places where there *is* still tea-time.

Gollum: We're not *in* decent places.

Sam: [Frodo stops walking] Mr. Frodo? What is it?

Frodo: Just a thought... I don't think I'm going to be returning.

Sam: Of course you are. That's just morbid thinking, that is.

Sam: You miserable little maggot. I'll stove your head in!

Sam: I'm sorry to wake you, Mr. Frodo. We have to be moving on.

[Slowly Frodo gets up, his voice sounding wearied]

Frodo: It's dark still...

Sam: It's always dark here.

Gorbag: [as he and Shagrat come upon Frodo's body] What's this? Looks like old Shelob has been having a bit of fun.

Shagrat: Killed another one, has she?

Gorbag: [he examines Frodo's body] No... this fellow ain't dead.

Sam: [to himself, in tears] Not dead!

Gorbag: She jabs them with her stinger and they go as limp as a boned fish. Then she has her way with them. That's how she likes to feed-fresh blood. Take him to the tower!

[the Orcs begin to drag Frodo away]

Sam: Samwise, you fool!

Sam: [tearing the spider silk away from Frodo's face] Oh no! Frodo... Mr. Frodo, wake up... Don't leave me here alone. Don't go where I can't follow... Wake up.

Sam: I heard it from his own mouth! He means to murder us!

Gollum: Never! Smeagol wouldn't hurt a fly!

Sam: [to Shelob] Let him go, you filth. Let him go! You will not touch him again!

Gollum: Wake up. Wake up. Wake up, sleepies. We must go, yeeees, we must go at once.

Sam: Haven't you had any sleep, Mr. Frodo?

[Frodo shakes his head]

Sam: I've gone and had too much... it must be getting late.

Frodo: No, it's not. It's not midday, yet. The days are growing darker.

Gollum: We must go.

Sam: Not until Mr. Frodo has had something to eat.

Gollum: No time to lose, silly.

Sam: [Gives Frodo lembas bread] Here, eat this.

Frodo: What about you?

Sam: I'm not hungry. Leastways, not for lembas bread.

Frodo: Sam...

Sam: All right... we don't have that much left. You go ahead and eat that, Mr. Frodo. I've rationed it... there should be enough left.

Frodo: For what?

Sam: The journey home.

Frodo: I need you on my side.

Sam: I'm on your side, Mr Frodo.

Frodo: I know you are, Sam.

[Frodo drinks the last drops of water from Sam's waterskin]

Frodo: There'll be none left for the return journey.

Sam: I don't think there will be a return journey, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: You can't help me anymore.

Sam: You don't mean that.

Frodo: Go home.

Sam: It's that Gollum, it's this place, it's that thing around your neck. I could help a bit, I could carry it, share the load...

Frodo: GET AWAY!

Sam: I don't want to keep it. I just want to help.

Sam: What are you up to? Sneaking off are we?

Gollum: Sneaking? Sneaking? Fat Hobbit is always so polite. Smeagol shows them secret way that nobody else could find. And they say sneak! Sneak? Very nice, friend... Oh, yes. My precious. Very nice...

Sam: All right. All right! You just startled me is all. What were you doing?

Gollum: Sneaking.

Sam: Fine. Have it your own way. I'm sorry to wake you, Mr. Frodo. We have to be moving on.

Frodo: It's dark still.

Sam: It's always dark here. It's gone! The Elven bread!

Frodo: What? That's all we have left.

Sam: He took it! He must have!

Gollum: Smeagol? No, no, Not poor Smeagol. Smeagol hates nasty elf bread.

Sam: You're a lying rat! What did you do with it?

Frodo: He doesn't eat it. He can't have taken it.

Gollum: Look. What's this? Crumbs on his jacketses. He took it! He took it! I seen him!

Sam: That's a filthy lie!

[hits Gollum to the ground and starts to wail on him]

Sam: You stinking two face!

Frodo: Sam! Stop it! Sam, no!

[Falls against the rock wall]

Sam: Oh, my! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to go so far I was just so, so angry. Here, let's just rest a bit.

Frodo: I'm all right.

Sam: No. No, You're not all right... You're exhausted. It's that Gollum. It's this place. It's that thing around your neck... I could help a bit. I could carry it for a while...

[echos]

Sam: Share the load.

[echos]

Frodo: Get away!

[pushes Sam and stands up]

Sam: I don't wanna keep it. I just wanna help.

Gollum: See? See? He wants it for himself!

Sam: [stands up] Shut up, you! Go away! Get out of here!

Frodo: No, Sam, it's you... I'm sorry, Sam...

Sam: But, he's a liar. He's poisoned you against me.

Frodo: You can't help me anymore.

Sam: [about Gollum] You don't see it, do you? He's a villain.

Sam: [about Gollum; angrily] He means to murder us!

Smeagol: Never! Smeagol wouldn't hurt a fly!

[Smeagol puts his hand on a wound on his head that Sam made when he was attacking him. He take his hand away; sees a spot of blood and screams in fright]

Smeagol: The precious will be ours... once the Hobbitses are dead!

[throws a pebble in the water as he says it and Sam's reflection appears out of the ripples]

Sam: [yelling] You treacherous little toad!

[punches him waking Frodo who scrambles out of his blanket. Sam chases Gollum, jumps on him and grabs his throat. Gollum screams]

Gollum: No! No! Master!

Frodo: No, Sam! Leave him alone!

[pulls him off]

Sam: I heard it from his own mouth! He means to murder us!

Gollum: Never! Sméagol wouldn't hurt a fly!

[rubs his head and sees blood on his fingers, screams]

Gollum: He's a horrid, fat Hobbit, who hates Sméagol, and who makes up nasty lies!

Sam: You miserable little maggot! I'll stove your head in!

[He advances on Gollum grabbing at him. Gollum runs off, Frodo pulls Sam back]

Frodo: Sam!

Sam: Call me a liar? You're a liar!

[Gollum tries to hide behind a tree, screams]

Frodo: If you scare him off, then we are lost!

Sam: I don't care! I can't do it, Mr. Frodo! I won't wait around for him to kill us!

Frodo: I'm not sending him away.

[Gollum cowers behind the tree]

Sam: You don't see it do you? He's a villain.

Frodo: We can't do this by ourselves, Sam. Not without a guide. I need you on my side.

Sam: I'm on your side, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: I know, Sam, I know. Trust me... Come, Smeagol.

[Gollum runs to Frodo looking scared. Frodo takes him by the hand but as he leads him away, Gollum turns and smirks at Sam. Sam glares after him, nodding his head slightly]

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

Sam: What we need is a few good taters.

Gollum: What's taters, precious? What's taters, eh?

Sam: *Po-tay-toes!* Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew... Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish.

[Gollum makes a noise of disgust while sticking his tongue out]

Sam: Even you couldn't say no to that.

Gollum: Oh yes we could. Spoilin' nice fish. Give it to us raw and w-r-r-riggling; you keep nasty chips.

Sam: You're hopeless.

[following Gollum down the path]

Sam: I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales.

Frodo: [turns around] What?

Sam: I wonder if people will ever say, 'Let's hear about Frodo and the Ring.' And they'll say 'Yes, that's one of my favorite stories. Frodo was really courageous, wasn't he, Dad?' 'Yes, my boy, the most famousest of hobbits. And that's saying a lot.'

Frodo: [continue walking] You've left out one of the chief characters - Samwise the Brave. I want to hear more about Sam.

[stops and turns to Sam]

Frodo: Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam.

Sam: Now Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun; I was being serious.

Frodo: So was I.

[they continue to walk]

Sam: Samwise the Brave...

[Frodo and Sam are lowering themselvs down a cliff]

Sam: Can you see the bottom?

Frodo: No. Don't look down, Sam, just keep going!

Sam: [drops a small box] Ouagh! Catch It! Grab it, Mr. Frodo!

[Frodo catches it, loses his grip and then lands on the ground]

Frodo: I think I found the bottom.

Sam: It's not natural. None of it.

Frodo: What's in this?

Sam: Nothin'. Just a bit of seasoning. I thought maybe if we was havin' a roast chicken one night or something...

Frodo: Roast chicken?

Sam: You never know.

[last lines]

Frodo: Smeagol?

Sam: We're not going to wait for you. Come on.

Smeagol: Master. Master looks after us. Master wouldn't hurt us.

Gollum: Master broke his promise.

Smeagol: Don't ask Smeagol. Poor, poor Smeagol.

Gollum: Master betrayed us. Wicked. Tricksy, False. We ought to wring his filthy little neck. Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both! And then we take the precious... and we be the master!

Smeagol: But the fat Hobbit, he knows. Eyes always watching.

Gollum: Then we stabs them out. Put out his eyeses, make him crawl.

Smeagol: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Gollum: Kill them both.

Smeagol: Yes. No! No! It's too risky. It's too risky.

Sam: Where is he? Where has he gone? Hey, Gollum! Where are you?

Frodo: Smeagol?

Gollum: We could let *her* do it.

Smeagol: Yes. She could do it.

Gollum: Yes, precious, she could. And then we takes it once they're dead.

Smeagol: Once they're dead. Shh.

[Comes out of hiding]

Smeagol: Come on Hobbits. Long ways to go yet. Smeagol will show the way.

Gollum: Follow me.

Faramir: [to Frodo and Sam] My men tell me that you are Orc spies.

Sam: Spies! Now wait just a minute!

Faramir: Well, if you're not spies, then who are you?

[they remain silent, Faramir sighs and sits]

Faramir: Speak!

Frodo: We are Hobbits of the Shire. Frodo Baggins is my name and this is Samwise Gamgee.

Faramir: Your bodyguard?

Sam: His gardener.

Faramir: And where is your skulking friend? That gangrel creature. He had an ill-favoured look.

Frodo: [reluctant] There was no other. We set out from Rivendell with seven companions. One we lost in Moria. Two were my kin. A dwarf there was also. And an elf. And two men. Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and Boromir of Gondor.

Faramir: [solemn] You are a friend of Boromir?

Frodo: Yes, for my part.

Faramir: It would grieve you then to learn that he is dead.

Frodo: [shocked] Dead? How? When?

Faramir: As one of his companions, I had hope you would tell me. He was my brother.

Sam: Hey, Stinker! Don't go getting too far ahead.

Frodo: Why do you do that?

Sam: What?

Frodo: Call him names, run him down all the time.

Sam: Because... because that's what he is, Mr. Frodo. There's naught left in him but lies and deceit. It's the ring he wants; it's all he cares about.

Frodo: You have no idea what it did to him... what it's still doing to him. I want to help him, Sam.

Sam: Why?

Frodo: Because I have to believe he can come back.

Sam: You can't save him, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: [snaps] What do you know about it? Nothing!... I'm sorry, Sam. I don't know why I said that.

Sam: I do. It's the ring. You can't take your eyes off it; I've seen you. You're not eating. You barely sleep. It's taken ahold of you, Mr. Frodo. You have to fight it.

Frodo: I know what I have to do, Sam. The ring was entrusted to *me*. It's my task, mine, my own!

[storms off]

Sam: Can't you hear yourself? Don't you know who you sound like?

Sam: [to Faramir] You want to know what happened to Boromir? Do you want to know why your brother died? He tried to take the Ring from Frodo, after swearing an oath to protect him! He tried to kill him! The Ring drove your brother mad.

Sam: You know I don't usually hold with foreign food, but this Elvish stuff - it's not bad.

Frodo: Nothing dampens your spirits, Sam.

Sam: [looks at the nearing rain clouds] Those rain clouds might.

[from extended version]

[looking at the Elvish rope]

Frodo: We can't leave this here for someone to follow us down.

Sam: Who's going to follow us down here, Mr. Frodo? It's a shame, really. Lady Galadriel gave me that. Real Elvish rope. Well, there's nothing for it - it's one of my knots. It won't come free in a hurry.

[Sam tugs wistfully on the rope, and by the magical grace of Galadriel, it falls into his hands]

Frodo: [cheerfully] Real Elvish rope.

Sam: [sees corpses in the marsh] There are dead things! Dead faces in the water.

Gollum: All dead... all rotten. Elves and men and orcses. A great battle, long ago. The Dead Marshes... yes, that is their name.

Sam: [looking at the Haradrim army] Who are they?

Gollum: Wicked men. Servants of Sauron. They are called to Mordor. The Dark One is gathering all armies to him. It won't be long now. He will soon be ready.

Sam: Ready to do what?

Gollum: To make his war. The last war that will cover all the world in shadow.

Sam: Mr. Frodo, put the ring on; just this once, disappear.

Frodo: I can't... You were right, Sam. The ring is taking me. If I put it on he will find me.

Sam: This looks strangely familiar.

Frodo: Because we've been here before. We're going in circles!

Frodo: [waking up from a nightmare] Gandalf!

Sam: What is it, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Nothing... just a dream.

Sam: Mordor... the one place in Middle-Earth we don't want to see any closer... the one place we're trying to get to... is just where we can't get. Let's face it, Mr. Frodo. We're lost!

[about the Ring Wraiths]

Sam: I thought they were dead!

Gollum: Dead? No, you cannot kill them. No.

[Frodo and Sam have captured Gollum. Sam is violently dragging Gollum with a long piece of rope around his neck]

Gollum: [wailing piteously] Aghh! It burns! It burns us... It freezes...

[Sam jerks the rope, causing Gollum to topple. Sam drags Gollum, who grabs a rock and grabs the rope, pulling it back]

Gollum: [to Sam] Nasty elves twisted it! Take it off us!

Sam: Quiet, you!

[Gollum lets out a high-pitched wail as he throws a temper tanturm, complete with convulsion]

Sam: [to Frodo; exasperated] It's hopeless! Every orc in Mordor is going to hear this racket! Let's just just tie him up and leave him.

Gollum: [horrified] NO! That would kill us! KILL US!

Sam: That's more than you deserve!

Gollum: Agggghhhhhhahhhh...

[Gollum flops on his back as he continues to throw a mini-tantram]

Frodo: Maybe he does deserve to die. But now I see him, I do pity him.

[Gollum stops convulsing and looks up at Frodo]

Gollum: We'll be nice to them, if they be nice to us. Take this off of us... We swear to do whatever you wants... we swear.

Frodo: There is no promise you can make that I can trust.

[Gollum has Sam in a headlock. Frodo jumps to Sam's rescue and points his sword at Gollum, who looks at it in terror]

Frodo: [about his sword] This is Sting. You've seen it before, haven't you... Gollum?

Sam: [choking] ugh!

Frodo: [sternly] Release him, or I'll cut your throat!

[Gollum does so. Frodo continues to pin him down Gollum's pupils widen as he squeaks faintly]

Gollum: [crying in defeat] EEEEYAHHHHHHH!

Gollum: [wailing dramatically] We shall *STARRRRRVVVVVEEE!*

Sam: [sardonically] Then why you starve... and good riddance!

Sam: [grumbling about the lack of life in the Dead Marshes] I hate this place; it's too quiet. There hasn't been the sight or sound of a bird in two days!

Gollum: No... No birdses to eat.

[longingly]

Gollum: No crunchable birdses!

Sam: It's the Ring, isn't it?

Frodo: It's getting heavier.

Sam: Captain Faramir, you have shown your quality, sir - the very highest.

Faramir: The Shire must truly be a great realm, Master Gamgee, where gardeners are held in high honor.

Sam: We're innocent travelers.

Faramir: There are no travelers in this land... only servants of the Dark Lord.

Frodo: We are bound to an errand of secrecy. Those who claim to oppose the enemy would do well not to hinder us.

[Sam and Frodo have captured Gollum and are dragging him with a long piece of string thick rope around his neck. Gollum is screaming his head off in pain]

Gollum: [wailing] It BURNS! It Burns us!

[groans]

Gollum: It freezes...

[Sam jerks the rope, causing Gollum to topple on his back and be dragged by Sam]

Gollum: [grabbing hold of a nearby rock with one hand and pulls the rope back with his other hand] Nasty elves twisted it! TAKE IT OFF US!

Sam: Quiet you!

[Gollum throws his head back as he throws a convulsive temper tantrum and lets out a prolonged wail]

Sam: [exasperated; to Frodo] It's hopeless! Every orc in Mordor is going to hear this racket! Let's just tie him up and leave him.

Gollum: [horrified shout] NO!

Gollum: [despairingly] That would kill us! KILL US!

Sam: That's more than you deserve!

Gollum: [flopping on his back and withers on the ground as he groans] Oooooohhhhaaahhhh...

Frodo: [as he watches Gollum] Maybe he does deserve to die... But now that I see him, I do pity him.

[Gollum stops withering and sits up]

Gollum: We'll be nice to them, if they be nice to us.

[holds out the rope; dramatically yet politely]

Gollum: Take this off us.

Sam: [to Gollum, who is trying to persuade Frodo to release him in exchange of Gollum becoming Frodo's servant] I don't believe you!

Gollum: [gasps fearfully and scrambles away; climbing on top of a boulder]

Sam: [jerking the rope vioently] GET DOWN!

Gollum: [Gollum lets out a high-pitched noise as Sam's jerking on the rope chokes him and throws him on to the ground]

Sam: [as Gollum collapses] I said, DOWN!

Frodo: [shouts; stopping Sam] Sam!

Sam: He's trying to trick us! We let him go, he'll throttle us in our sleep.

Gollum: [Gollum sits up and gasps in air greedily, clutching his throat]

[Frodo looks at the gasping Gollum and then at Sam. After a moment's pause, Frodo approaches Gollum, who backs away in fear]

Frodo: [calmly and kindly] You know the way to Mordor?

Gollum: [timidly] Yes...

[He backs away as Frodo crotches down to Gollum's eye level. Gollum looks at Frodo, uneasily]

Frodo: You've been there before?

Gollum: [nods; still timid] Yes.

[Frodo slowly takes off the rope around Gollum's neck. Sam looks suspicious, while Gollum looks surprised and relieved]

Frodo: You will lead us to the Black Gate.

Sam: I feel I'm in a real family now. Not like yours, but similar to one.

Suzy: I always wished I was an orphan. Most of my favorite characters are. I think your lives are more special.

Sam: I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about.

Suzy: I love you, too.

Sam: Why do you always use binoculars?

Suzy: It helps me see things closer. Even if they're not very far away. I pretend it's my magic power.

Sam: That sounds like poetry. Poems don't always have to rhyme, you know. They're just supposed to be creative.

Sam: Why do you consider me your enemy?

Redford: Because your girlfriend stabbed me in the back with lefty scissors.

Sam: She's my wife now.

Redford: Congratulations!

Sam: Thank you. But I'm saying before that, six weeks ago, from day one, why didn't you like me?

Redford: Why should I? Nobody else does.

Sam: [In the women's dressing room] What kind of bird are you?

Sparrow: [Starting to point to the other actresses] I'm a sparrow, she's a dove...

Sam: [Cutting her off] No. I said...

[Points to Suzy]

Sam: What kind of bird are YOU?

Suzy: I'm a raven.

Sam: What happened to your hand?

Suzy: I got hit in the mirror.

Sam: Really? How did that happen?

Suzy: I lost my temper at myself.

Sam: I admit we knew we'd get in trouble. That part's true. We knew people would be worried, and we still ran away, anyway. But something also happened, which we didn't do on purpose. When we first met each other, something happened to us.

Captain Sharp: That's very eloquent. I can't argue against anything you're saying. But then again, I don't have to, 'cause you're 12 years old. Look, let's face it, you're probably a much more intelligent person than I am. In fact, I guarantee it. But even smart kids stick they're finger in electrical sockets sometimes. It takes time to figure things out. It's been proven by history. All mankind makes mistakes. It's our job to try to protect you from making the dangerous ones, if we can. We want a slug?

[offering him beer]

Sam: [pours out his milk and holds his glass up to be filled]

Captain Sharp: What's your rush? You've got your whole life in front of yourself. Ahead of you, I mean.

Sam: Maybe so. Anyway, you're a bachelor.

Captain Sharp: So are you.

Sam: That's true. Did you love someone ever?

Captain Sharp: Yes, I did.

Sam: What happened?

Captain Sharp: She didn't love me back.

Sam: Ah.

Captain Sharp: I'm sorry for your loss. Anyway, that's what you're supposed to say.

[pours him some more beer]

Sam: Those sons of bitches, they got him right through the neck.

Suzy: Was he a good dog?

Sam: Who's to say? But he didn't deserve to die.

Suzy: It feels hard.

Sam: Do you mind?

Suzy: I like it.

Cousin Ben: [walking briskly] Is this him?

Sam: Field Mate Sam Shakusky, Troop 55, resigned.

Cousin Ben: [dramatically] He's hot. Almost too hot. What's in the can?

Redford: $76, but it's mostly in nickels.

Cousin Ben: Give it to me.

[to Sam]

Cousin Ben: Your badge in seamanship?

Sam: Yes, sir.

Cousin Ben: Good. There's a cold water crabber moored off Broken Rock. The skipper owes me an IOU. We'll see if he can take you on as a claw cracker. It won't be an easy life, but it's better than shock therapy.

Sam: Thank you, sir. By the way, where's the chapel tent?

Cousin Ben: Back there, but the padre's home with the mumps. Why do you ask?

Sam: I want to bring my wife.

Cousin Ben: [stopping abruptly]

Suzy: But we're not married yet.

Cousin Ben: You his girl?

Suzy: Yeah.

Cousin Ben: Technically, I'm a civil law scrivener. I'm authorized to declare births, deaths, and marriages. You're kind of young. You got a license?

Sam, Suzy: No.

Cousin Ben: I can't offer you a legally binding union. It won't hold up in the state, the county, or frankly, any courtroom in the world, due to your age, lack of a license, and failure to get parental consent. But the ritual does carry a very important moral weight within yourselves. You can't enter into the contract lightly. Look into my eyes. Do you love each other?

Suzy: Yes, we do.

Cousin Ben: Think about what I'm saying. Are you sure you're ready for this?

Suzy: Yes, we are.

Cousin Ben: [to nobody in particular] They're not listening to me. Let me rephrase it.

Suzy: We're in a hurry.

Cousin Ben: Are you chewing gum? Spit out the gum, sister. In fact, everybody.

[collecting up spit out gum]

Cousin Ben: I don't like the snappy attitude. This is the most important decision you've made in your lives. Now go over by the trampoline and talk it through before you give me another quick answer...

Sam: It's possible I may wet the bed by the way. Later, I mean.

Suzy: Okay.

Sam: I wish I didn't have to mention it but just in case. I don't want to make you be offended.

Suzy: Of course, I won't.

Sam: Sometimes I stick leaves on my hair. It helps cool your head down.

Suzy: Hmm. That's a good idea. It might also help if you didn't wear a fur hat.

Sam: [in letter] Dear Suzy, I accidentally built a fire while I was sleepwalking. I have no memory of this, but my foster parents think I am lying.

Mrs. Billingsley: [fighting doghouse conflagration with fire extinguisher]

Sam: On this spot I'll fight no more forever.

Sam: [to on coming horde] Come and get me, you bastards!

[lighting strikes him]

Sam: [with everyone look on, sits up and blows off his glasses] I'm okay.

Sam: Follow me.

[runs off]

Sam: Listen to some reason. I don't like you. You don't like me. So, why don't you just let us disappear?

Redford: Well, it's tempting, but we can't allow it.

[last lines]

Sam: [in a whisper after jumping out of Suzy's window] See you tomorrow.

Sam: It's not an accomplishment badge; I inherited it from my mother. It's not meant for a male to wear, but I don't give a damn.

Sam: Wait. Just in case this is a suicide or they capture us and we never see each other again anymore, I just want to say: Thank you for marrying me. I'm glad I got to know you, Suzy.

Sam: Watch out for turtles. They'll bite you if you put your fingers in their mouths.

Sam: I made you some jewelry. Are your ears pierced?

Sam: I got sand in my mouth.

Suzy: Oh!

Suzy: It doesn't make me feel very good. I found this on top of our refrigerator.

[Pulls out a book "Coping with the very troubled child"]

Sam: Does that mean you?

Suzy: I think so, yeah.

Sam: [Sniffs twice] You smell like perfume.

Suzy: Oh, it's my mother's!

Sam: Hm! Hm!

Sam: [whispering loudly] Get out of my chimney.

Skotak: Listen to me. We're here for friendship. We're going to get you off this island.

Sam: [whispering] No, thanks.

Skotak: Yes, thanks. This is an emergency rescue.

Sam: [in normal voice] It's worthless to me. There's no point, not without Suzy.

Suzy: We might have to swim for it.

Sam: How deep is it? I didn't bring my life jacket.

Suzy: I don't know but if it's too shallow, we'll break our necks anyway.

Sam: [to Suzy] Are you de-pressed?

Sam: I'm sorry.

Suzy: Oh, it's okay!

Sam: I'm on your side.

Suzy: I know.

Sam: Trying to set this watch is impossible, the buttons are too fucking small.

Holly: Why do you wear that thing anyway ?

Sam: My boyfriend gave it to me, it's sentimental.

Holly: It's fucking mental, any guy who'd give that to me I'd dump him on the spot.

Rebecca: The noise she's making, she'll bring every one of those things down on her head.

Sam: As long as it's not on mine.

Beth: [trapped after a cave-in] You put in a flight-plan, right? If we don't report in they'll come looking for us.

Rebecca: That's how it's supposed to work, except I put in a flight-plan for Boreham Caverns and this isn't Boreham Caverns, is it Juno?

Beth: We're in the wrong fucking cave!

Juno: Holly was right! Boreham Caverns was a tourist trap!

Holly: Don't try and pin this fucking shit on me!

Rebecca: This is not caving, this is an ego-trip.

Sam: Where are we?

Juno: It hasn't got a name. It's a new system. I wanted us all to discover it! No one's ever been down here before.

Sam: Are you fucking kidding me?

Sarah: [Sarah uses Holly's camera in night vision mode and sees all of the dead animal bones] Dead animals! Hundreds of them!

Beth: This is not good, guys.

Sam: Can we get out of here?

Rebecca: Which way?

Juno: [Uses lighter to try and find the breeze] Come on.

[the lighter's flame does not move]

Juno: I don't know.

Beth: What do you mean you don't know?

Juno: There's no breeze! It could be any one of these tunnels! Take your pick!

Rebecca: Oh, fuck it!

[yelling]

Rebecca: Helloooooo!

Juno: [trying to calm down Rebecca] Please!

Rebecca: [continuing to yell] Is there anybody there?

Beth: [also yelling] Hello!

[a crawler suddenly appears behind Beth]

[repeated line]

Sam: I can fix that.

Sam: Is something wrong?

Kissin' Kate Barlow: Oh, Sam, my heart is breaking.

Sam: I can fix that.

Sam: Woah, Sam Gamgee, your legs are too short, so use your head!

[thinking]

Sam: Nim, nim, nim, nim, nim... the boats!

Sam: Straight stairs, winding stairs what comes after that?

Gollum: We shall see, oh yes... We shall see.

[Gandalf has caught Sam spying]

Sam: Oh, Mr. Frodo, sir! Don't let him hurt me, sir! Don't let him turn me into something unnatural!

Sam: [about Aragorn] I still don't know if we can trust him mister Frodo.

Aragorn: I said you have no choice Sam!

[Sam flinches]

Aragorn: Because if i wanted the Ring for myself, i could have it, now...

[Aragorn then Unsheathes his sword And raises it to the air]

Aragorn: My name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. If by life or death i can save you, i will.

Sam: [after bumping his truck into Putnam's car] Sorry about that!

Putnam: WOODS! You maniac! I'm gonna sue! Ya hear me? I'm gonna SUE your ass when this is over!

Sam: You make money off of little kids, you miserable jerk! YA OUGHTA BE SHOT!

Sam: I don't believe this. I got the scroll weapon, and I almost beat Mecha-Turtle at the end of level three!

Nick: That cannot possibly be one of the four major food groups

Sam: It's a casserole genius.

[Sam is playing Zelda II The Adventures Of Link]

Nick: Pop I think we got it.

Sam: Wait a second. I'm on the sixth palace of Hyrule. Yeah! I got past the river devil.

Nick: Terrific.

[Turns off the Nintendo]

Sam: What the hell are you doing? I had the magic key. I got the cross. I was closing in on the barbarian!

Nick: You're losing it pop.

[Sam is driving]

Sam: Hey where the hell are we?

[eats a donut]

Nick: What is that? Donuts?

Sam: Yeah. So?

Nick: That's disgusting.

Sam: Ha ha. From the guy who steals my pickup, who stays up drinking. From the guy with a foul mouth, that's a compliment.

Putnam: All right! All right! This is no need to get crazy. It's very hot. This is a professional matter.

Sam: Yeah!

Sam: [shouting out to Putnam, who is escaping after bumping into his truck] CHICKEN SHIT!

Sam: [after being shot with a ray gun] I smell cooking, man. Some thing's cooking.

Lou: What are you talking about?

Sam: Smells like somebody making hamburgers.

Lou: Damn Sam. It's you.

Sam: It is?

[looks at his wound and dies]

Bando: You know, you've done some amazing things here, Sam. Hollowed out a whole little world for yourself. I bet there's not another boy in the whole civilized world who's done anything like it.

Sam: Yeah, but that's not why I came.

Miss Turner: Why did you come, Sam?

Sam: Well, I came because I thought the only way to know nature was to live with it. Like Thoreau. You know? And I came because of my experiments. I learned all about algae under the conditions of nature. And I learned about survival. And... I learned about myself.

Sam: Hey you guys, how 'bout some algae soup?

[a raccoon eats the soup]

Sam: Well, at least *somebody* likes it.

Sam: The deer have pressed in all around me. They're hungry. They come into the hemlock grove to hide and sleep for the day. They manage the snow so well on their slender hooves. If I was to know that a million years from today, my children's children were to live as I am living in these mountains, I would marry me a wife with slender feet and begin immediately to breed a race with hooves. So that the mountain children of the future might run through the snows and meadows and mountains and marshes as easily as the deer. I must be pretty lonely to be having such daydreams. I guess I am.

Joe Mosely: [the Sheriff is roughly restraining Sam by forcing his face on the ground with his boot] Officer, let him up. He's not hurting anyone.

Sheriff Quentin Durango: [lets Sam go] But he could be. He bears a sinister resemblance to a vicious criminal that's been marauding the area.

Joe Mosely: And since when is it a crime to look like somebody?

Sam: Hey, what'd the guy do anyway?

Sheriff Quentin Durango: Unlawful reposed and remove.

Sam: What?

Sheriff Quentin Durango: Dine and dash. I'm gonna let you go with a warning this time.

Joe Mosely: He didn't do anything.

Sheriff Quentin Durango: [aims a gun at Joe] You don't realize what's happening, do you? 'Cause if you did, you'd be shittin' in your shoes, wouldn't you? Quaking with fear? I want ya to look around, just look around, and tell me what you see. A society that's obsessed with feeling good and happy. But underneath that moronic veneer lurks a thirst for blood. Yes, my friend, an invidious potential for lawlessness and despair; existential and otherwise. The sooner you weasels open your eyes to the hideous truth, the sooner you wish you were dead.

Sam: [pause] That guy is insane.

Othello: Would any of you guys happen to have a roman candle on you?

Joe Mosely: [bewildered] Uhhh...

Sam: ...yeah, I have one.

Othello: Thanks.

Joe Mosely: [stunned] Wh - ?

Salvadore: Lovely day. Bit warm to be sitting in the middle of the desert, though.

Sam: I know. My friend broke down.

Salvadore: Maybe I can help.

Sam: Yeah, uh... what do you need?

Joe Mosely: Eighth inch rivet.

Salvadore: Well, I got a lot of fix-it paraphernalia back at my place.

Sam: Got any beer?

Salvadore: I've got some crystal.

Sam: Wow! Speed?

Salvadore: Champagne... and speed kills. Or worse... it makes you psychotic. People love it because it makes them feel like they're in control of their destiny. What you wanna be on the look-out for is transcendent reality; seeing in and seeing out.

Sam: Oh.

Casper: So what do you guys do?

Sam: We ride.

Casper: Outlaws, huh?

Sam: Yep. What about you?

Casper: Me?... I'm symbionese.

Sam: [confused] Cool... cool.

Ranger Bob: [holding a plastic beer holder] Hey, why is this instrument of potential torture still in tact?

Sam: What?

Ranger Bob: It's your responsibility as campers, and honourable men on this planet, to cut through the connections of these nooses waiting to happen before discarding them in a proper refuse container.

Sam: What the fuck are you talkin' about?

Celeste: Oh, don't mind him. It's called gallows humour.

Sam: Yeah, but is it funny?

Oscar: Only if you're in love and waiting to die. My name's Oscar, this is my wife Celeste. I've got cancer, she's got AIDs.

Gloria: You're just a couple of self-indulgent pussies burrowing into your own stupid little cocoons. You probably love that "don't worry, be happy" song.

Sam: Hey, I hated that song.

Gloria: There's a whole world changing out there. If you wanna die in the vine of the implying decline, it's up to you.

Joe Mosely: Hey, you want to come with me to El Dorado?

Labia Mirage: [laughs] The legendary city of gold, conquistador?

Joe Mosely: Yeah, I guess so.

Labia Mirage: Maybe some other time. I got to stick to my schedule.

Joe Mosely: Oh, yeah... Hey! Hey, Sam.

Sam: Time to go!

Joe Mosely: This is Miss Labia Mirage, and she's dancing her way to the Yukon.

Sam: Time to get going.

Labia Mirage: You know what they say, conquistador... stick with the one who can see the truth of your soul. Don't take any wooden nickels.

[talking about Giselle]

Sam: She has no driver's license, no passport, I can't even find this place she comes from.

Robert: What place?

Sam: Andalusia.

Robert: Andalasia.

Sam: Whatever. I've called every travel agent, every airline. I'm not sure if it's a country or a city.

Robert: It can't be a state.

[Both watch Giselle acting strangely]

Sam: More like a state of mind.

[mimicking Giselle]

Sam: And she told me it's just beyond the meadows of joy and the valley of contentment. What is that all about?

Sam: Special Detective Sam Bradbury, Sam to my friends, threat to my enemies!

[Angelica and Sam pull Will into a lifeboat after the Titanic has sunk]

2nd Officer: We're turning over! Throw him back in the water! Let him go I said! Let him go!

Sam: Ah, shut up! Try to keep the boat on course for a change.

Father: [after Sam saves Ella and Billie from a wolf, with Louie's warning] Thank goodness you are safe, my precious daughters. When I think of what could have happened with poor Louie here unable to cry out a warning! But I'm sure you tried your best, son.

Louie: I did try! Can't he see how hard I tried?

Mother: Darling, that human boy, he saved the lives of our children.

Father: He has my eternal gratitude.

Sam: Hey, it was no problem.

Sam: We all voted for you three times.

Matthew Harrison Brady: I trust it was in three separate elections! I just wish one thing, that you'd not given us quite so WARM a welcome.

[deleted scene; Daniel and Sam are discussing Sam's true love]

Daniel: Option One: ask her out.

Sam: Impossible.

Daniel: Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend.

Sam: She's the most popular girl in school and she hates boys.

Daniel: Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you.

Sam: It's a route I've considered.

Daniel: And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of...

Sam: Hygiene.

Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?

Sam: You really want to know?

Daniel: I really want to know.

Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?

Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.

Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love.

Daniel: Sorry?

Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love?

Sam: No.

Daniel: Oh, well, okay... right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.

Sam: Why?

Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.

Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?

Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.

Daniel: Tell her that you love her.

Sam: No way! Anyway, they fly tonight.

Daniel: Even better! Sam, you've got nothin' to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't! I never told your mom enough. I should have told her everyday because she was perfect everyday. You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til its over.

Sam: Okay, Dad. Let's do it. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

Sam: There's this big concert at the end of term, and Joanna's in it. And I thought, maybe if I was in the band, and played absolutely superbly, there's a chance that she might actually fall in love with me. What do you think?

Daniel: I think it's brilliant! I think it's stellar! Uh, apart from the one, obvious, tiny, little baby little hiccup...

Sam: That I don't play a musical instrument.

Daniel: Yessir.

Sam: A tiny, insignificant detail.

Daniel: So, let's go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So come on, it's someone at school, right?

Sam: Yeah.

Daniel: Aha, good, good. And what does she - he - feel about ya?

Sam: *She* doesn't even know my name. And even if she did, she'd despise me. She's the coolest girl in school and everyone worships her because she's heaven.

Daniel: Good. Good.

[sits on the couch next to Sam]

Daniel: Well...

[grins]

Daniel: Basically, you're fucked, aren't you?

Sam: By the way, I feel bad. I never asked you how your love life is going.

Daniel: [mock chuckles] No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago. Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel.

Sam: Oh?

Daniel: No, no, we'll want to have sex in every room. Including yours.

Daniel: You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but... the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.

Sam: There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me.

[holds up one finger]

Sam: She's "the one".

Daniel: Fair enough.

Daniel: And her name's Joanna?

Sam: Yeah, I know, just like Mum. Spooky.

Daniel: Well, in one way then, we're in luck. At least we still have the god-like genius of Scott Walker.

[he puts Scott Walker's "Joanna" on the stereo, and they lip-sync to it]

Sam: Daniel, I have a plan!

Daniel: Thank the Lord! Tell me.

Sam: Well, girls love musicians, don't they?

Daniel: Uh-huh.

Sam: Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.

Daniel: That's right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl!

Sam: [looks at him strangely] Whatever.

Sam: Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

[In the airport, Daniel, Carol, Sam, and Carol's son are waiting. Joanna appears at the gate]

Sam: There she is!

[he runs to her]

Joanna Anderson: Hi!

[Sam wants to kiss her, but holds back]

Sam: Hello.

Daniel: [watching] Agh! He should have kissed her...

Carol: No, that's cool.

Sam: But you know, the thing about romance is... people only get together right at the very end.

Daniel: [knocks on Sam's door] Sam, time for dinner.

Sam: I'm not hungry.

Daniel: Sam... I've done chicken kebabs!

Sam: Look at the sign on the door.

[he starts practising his drums; Daniel leans back and looks at the sign, which says, "I SAID - I'M NOT HUNGRY"]

Daniel: Right.

Riggan: Listen to me. I'm trying to do something important.

Sam: This is not important.

Riggan: It's important to me! Alright? Maybe not to you, or your cynical friends whose only ambition is to go viral. But to me... To me... this is - God. This is my career, this is my chance to do some work that actually means something.

Sam: Means something to who? You had a career before the third comic book movie, before people began to forget who was inside the bird costume. You're doing a play based on a book that was written 60 years ago, for a thousand rich old white people whose only real concern is gonna be where they go to have their cake and coffee when it's over. And let's face it, Dad, it's not for the sake of art. It's because you want to feel relevant again. Well, there's a whole world out there where people fight to be relevant every day. And you act like it doesn't even exist! Things are happening in a place that you willfully ignore, a place that has already forgotten you. I mean, who the fuck are you? You hate bloggers. You make fun of Twitter. You don't even have a Facebook page. You're the one who doesn't exist. You're doing this because you're scared to death, like the rest of us, that you don't matter. And you know what? You're right. You don't. It's not important. You're not important. Get used to it.

Sam: Dad...

Voice from the street: [Sam is sitting on the parapet of the theatre roof. Someone shouts from below] JUUUMP!

Sam: EAT ME!

Voice from the street: OKAY. JUMP ON MY FACE!

Sam: I love this city.

Mike Shiner: Does she speak?

Sam: She does. Yeah, she can sit, stay, and roll over if you have any treats.

Sam: Why do you act like a dick all the time? Do you just do it to antagonize people?

Mike Shiner: Maybe.

Sam: You really don't give a shit if people like you or not?

Mike Shiner: Not really.

Sam: That's cool.

Mike Shiner: Is it? I don't know.

Sam: I want to ask another question.

Mike Shiner: You already did.

Sam: One more.

Mike Shiner: Go ahead.

Sam: If you weren't afraid, what would you want to do to me?

Mike Shiner: I'd pull your eyes out of your head...

Sam: That's sweet.

Mike Shiner: ...and put them in my own skull, and look around, so I could see the street the way I used to when I was your age.

Sam: Truth or dare?

Mike Shiner: Truth.

Sam: That's boring.

Mike Shiner: Truth is always more interesting.

Sam: Do you really think you'll be ready for opening tomorrow?

Riggan: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, previews were pretty much a train-wreck. We can't seem to get through without a raging fire or a raging hard-on. I'm broke. I'm not sleeping like, you know, at all. And um, this play is kinda starting to feel like a major deformed version of myself that just keeps following me around, hitting me in the balls with a tiny little hammer. I'm sorry, what was the question?

Sam: Never mind.

Sam: [inspects Mike's black eye] Who did that to you? Could have been anybody, I suppose.

Sam: What's so funny?

Riggan: [Sam brought him some flowers] I can't smell it.

Sam: What kind of flowers did you say you wanted?

Riggan: Alchemillas, or something that smells nice.

[last lines]

Sam: Dad? Dad?

[runs to window, looks out, looks down, looks up, laughs]

Sam: What's so funny?

Riggan: I can't smell them.

Riggan: What is this?

Sam: Oh yeah

[pause]

Sam: thats pot.

Sam: It all smells like fucking kimchi!

Sam: Six Rules: 1. If you like something because you think other people are gonna like it, it's a sure bet no one will. 2. Most doors in the world are closed, so if you find one you want to get into: you damn well better have an interesting knock. 3. Everything you think is important, isn't. And everything you think is unimportant, is. 4. Don't shit where you eat. 5. Lean into it: the outcome doesn't matter. What matters is that you're there for it. 6. Never sleep with someone who has more problems than you do.

[from trailer]

Sam: It means that the outcome doesn't matter. What matters is that you were there for it, whatever IT is, good or bad, kind of like right now.

Sam: I'm the guy she marries, Adam. You're the guy she fucked a couple of times in the handicapped bathroom.

Sam: You can't get better. Lainey, you're not an addict. Okay.

[starts sobbing]

Sam: You're just a whore. You're a whore.

Sam: Something bit me.

Paula: Oh, yeah, right. I thought you always liked that kind of stuff.

Pat Finley: [driving to camp] Hey Sam don't lean your head out the window. We lost a couple kids like that last summer. I'm not going to go back and pick it up again.

Sam: Who wants my head? I don't need it anyway.

Austin: Sam! Okay, I know you think that I'm just some...

Sam: Coward? Phony?

Austin: Okay, just listen.

Sam: No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look, I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I came to tell you that I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was, but I'm not anymore. And the thing is, I really don't care what people think about me... because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family, and no job, and no money for college... it's you that I feel sorry for.

David: Heads up! Yo, five minutes.

Austin: I'm coming!

Sam: I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can't wait for him... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.

[walks away]

Austin: SAM!

[punches locker]

Sam: Austin? What are you doing?

Austin: Something I should have done a long time ago.

[he kisses her, it starts to rain, they both look up]

Austin: Sorry I waited for the rain.

Sam: It's okay.

Fiona: All right. Well, I'm going off to get some more lipo. Come on, girls. Sam, we need you to clean the pool tonight.

Sam: [stand up to Fiona] No!

[Rhonda, the staff, and the customers all become impressed with Sam finally standing up for herself]

Fiona: [shocked] Excuse me?

Sam: You heard me. I quit. I quit this job, I quit your family, and I'm moving out!

[Fiona, Brianna, and Gabriella laughs at Sam]

Fiona: Oh, and, um, where are you gonna live?

Rhonda: With me.

Fiona: You can't just walk out on me.

Sam: You know what, Fiona? You can mess with your hair and your nose and your face, and can even mess with my Dad's diner, but you're through messing with me!

Austin: You need a wax.

Sam: Excuse me?

Austin: [laughs] I meant the car.

Rhonda: Wait up, Sam.

Fiona: You take one more step and you're fired!

Rhonda: Oh, no. That won't be necessary because I quit too. And you know what? The only reason why I stayed around and put up with you for all those years is because of that girl. And now that she's free of you, there is nothing stopping me from kicking your butt.

Fiona: [freaks out] Oh, come on, no. Not my face. It's much newer than the girls. Go for the girls!

Sam: [talks Rhonda out of it] Rhonda? Rhonda! She's not even worth it.

Rhonda: [jumps her face at Fiona] Mmph!

Fiona: [screams] Aaaah!

Rhonda: You're right.

Eleanor: You know what? I quit too.

Bobby: Me too! Hey, Rhonda and Eleanor, hold up. I need a ride. See ya!

[the staff all finally walk out permanently with the customers following suit]

Man with plate of food: [to a disgraced Fiona] Send me a bill.

Shelby: What can I get here that has no sugar, no carbs, and is fat free?

Sam: Water.

Austin: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sam: I'll let you know.

Sam: I'm late.

Austin: For what?

Sam: Reality.

Sam: Don't you know who I am?

Austin: Of course I do. You're Princeton Girl. You're the girl I've been waiting to meet. I know exactly who you are! What's your name?

[last lines]

Sam: And lived happily ever after. At least for now. Hey, I'm only a freshman!

Sam: [Carter and Sam are driving back towards the diner and Carter drives slow with his Dad's Mercedes] Carter, you could have totally made that light.

Carter: Uh, FYI Sam, yellow means slow down, not speed up.

Sam: I need the Fast and the Furious, not Driving Miss Daisy.

Sam: Maybe this whole relationship is just better off in cyberspace.

Fiona: No honey, leave those on! The lawn's looking a little brown.

Sam: You know we're supposed to be conserving water! We're in the middle of a drought!

Fiona: Droughts are for poor people, you think J-Lo has a brown lawn? People who use extra water have extra class.

Sam: Sometimes, fantasies are better than reality.

[the LAPD is repossessing Fiona, Brianna, and Gabriella's cars]

Fiona: [runs outside with the girls] Hey! Hey! I can pay for those parking tickets.

Sam: Actually, I'm selling your cars, Fiona, for college tuition money.

Gabriella: What?

Fiona: Now what gives you the idea you can sell our cars?

Rhonda: She owns them.

Sam: Exactly. I own them.

Sam: Terry? Are you Nomad?

Terry: Nomad? Indeed. I have traveled through time and space to find you. Now join me in the mating dance of Zion!

[first lines]

Sam: Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom, lived a beautiful little girl and her widowed father.

Sam: [narrates] Well, that hidden will stated that the house, the diner, and everything belonged to me.

[the two stepsisters are looking for Sam's "real" acceptance letter to Princeton]

Sam: It turned out my stepsisters knew where Fiona had filed my real acceptance letter at Princeton.

Gabriella: I've got it!

Sam: My Dad's diner has been restored to its former glory. And my stepmom made a deal with the DA. She's working off her debt to society, at Hal's, under the watchful eye of my new partner. And my stepsisters? They finally put their teamwork to good use.

Sam: Carter, what are you wearing?

Carter: What? This is my Snoop-dizzle look!

Austin: You're not a guy, right? 'Cause if you are I'll kick your butt.

Sam: [chuckles] I am not a guy.

Sam: Hello?

Fiona: Sam? Some little rat got into my salmon, and ate it all! I need more salmon! And pick up my dry cleaning. And wash the Jag!

Fiona: Is this the Norwegian salmon I asked for? Because I need my omega-3s.

Sam: Only the best.

Fiona: Mmm. I can tell. You know it costs a fortune to fly that stuff in from Norwegia.

Sam: I thought that I could handle this, but I really can't.

Carter: How do you feel?

Sam: I'll let you know when I can catch my breath.

[Sam is scrubbing the floor with her skates on. She tries to get up, but Sam slips and falls; Rhonda appears]

Rhonda: Sam, what are you doing?

Sam: I'm trying to get these floors clean.

Rhonda: Come on, sweetie, get up. What I meant is "What are you doing with your life?"

Sam: I'm Diner Girl. I'm doing what diner girls do, Rhonda.

Rhonda: Baby, what's gotten into you? You don't even realize how blessed you are. Look, you've got a whole family behind you. We have faith in you, and you gotta have faith in yourself.

[Sam, hurt and humiliated in front of the entire school after the evil skit conducted by Shelby, Brianna, and Gabriella, storms into her room in tears]

Fiona: [knocking on her door] Sam?

Sam: Go away!

Fiona: [enters the room] But Sam, you've got a letter from Princeton.

[Fiona gives Sam the "fake" letter which, as Sam reads, states that she has been rejected by Princeton University]

Fiona: What does it say?

Sam: I didn't get in.

Fiona: [gasps] Oh, no! Oh, and you studied so hard.

Sam: I can't believe that I actually had a chance.

Fiona: Oh, Sam, I'm heartbroken. Life can be so unfair. Well, just look at the bright side: You have a job at the diner for the rest of your life. You want a cookie?

[Sam sobs]

Fiona: [bites into a cookie; mumbles] Mmm, they're so moist.

Sam: So... Who'd you guys pay to make your cars so dirty?

Brianna: Excuse me? Like, what are you, the Dirt Police?

Gabriella: [laughs] Yeah! The Dirt Police! Like, excuse me miss, do you know how fast your dirt was going?

Brianna: You should've stopped at the Dirt Police.

Sam: [narrating] It was the kind of place where diet was a four letter word, and grease came at no additional charge.

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

Sam: [cuddles up to Andrew] Maybe.

Sam: If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.

Andrew Largeman: Fuck, this hurts so much.

Sam: I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.

Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!

Sam: I'm not innocent.

Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!

Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.

Sam: He's protecting me.

Andrew Largeman: So?

Sam: He *likes* me!

Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.

Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.

Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.

Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!

Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?

Sam: You don't realize, this is good, this doesn't happen often in your life. We can work this stuff out. I want to help you, you know? We need each other...

Andrew Largeman: This isn't a conversation about this being over, it's, it's... I'm not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I'm putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I'm- I'm- I'm worried that if I don't figure myself out, if I don't go like land on my own two feet, then I'm just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go... you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go.

Sam: I haven't even lied in like two days.

Andrew Largeman: Is that true?

Sam: No.

Sam: Hey, I recognize you.

Andrew Largeman: Oh, did you go to Columbia High?

Sam: No, not from high school, from TV. Didn't you play the retarded quarterback?

Andrew Largeman: Yeah.

Sam: Are you really retarded?

Andrew Largeman: No.

Sam: Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you're better than that Corky kid and he's actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!

[Last lines]

Sam: What are you doing?

Andrew Largeman: Remember that idea I had, about working stuff out on my own, and then finding you once I worked stuff out?

Sam: The ellipsis?

Andrew Largeman: Yeah, the ellipsis, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?

Sam: Yeah. Yes!

Andrew Largeman: So what do we do? What do we do?

Sam: Wow! I cannot believe you're not retarded!

Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?

Andrew Largeman: What?

Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it.

Sam: If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like.

Andrew Largeman: All right, so what are we laughing at you about?

Sam: I lied again... I have epilepsy.

Andrew Largeman: Which part are we laughing about?

Sam: had a seizure at the law office where I work, and they told me their insurance wouldn't cover me unless I wore preventative covering.

Andrew Largeman: What's preventative covering?

Sam: The helmet I was wearing... Oh come on, that's funny. That's really funny, I mean I'm the only person who wears a helmet to work who isn't putting out fires or racing for NASCAR. But what do you do, I can't quit... their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.

Sam: What's the word that's burning in your heart?

Andrew Largeman: I was the reason she was in a wheelchair. I pushed her. So there that is.

Sam: Shut up.

Mark: Fuck off.

Andrew Largeman: No, that's the truth.

Sam: Why?

Andrew Largeman: It was a complete freak accident, you know? It's one of those things you replay a million times in your head and you see how clearly it was just a complete freak thing. My whole life she was depressed for no reason and, you know, one day... I was a little kid. I was nine years old and I just hated her for that. And I pushed her. And it was innocent! I was just completely frustrated because.

Sam: [interrupts] Because you couldn't make her happy?

Andrew Largeman: Yeah! Fuck yeah. And any other time, you know, any other day she would have just yelled at me and sent me to my room but this day. On this particular day the door of the dishwasher had fallen open. The latch was broken and it would just randomly fall open. That fucking latch. It's really amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic.

[pauses]

Andrew Largeman: So anyway, she fell back over the door and hit her neck on the kitchen counter paralyzing her from the waist down.

Sam: Wow.

Andrew Largeman: Still want to compare fucked up families?

Andrew Largeman: Are you doing anything right now?

Sam: Can you elaborate on doing anything?

Andrew Largeman: I just know this guy Jesse who bought this mansion that's right up here and we wants me to come visit him, but I don't want to stay very long. So I was thinking if you came too I could just say I have to take you home when I'm ready to go.

Sam: Wow. That's pretty damn random of you, Andrew. Nice to meet you. Can I use you?

Andrew Largeman: No.

Sam: Must be the Hollywood in you, I guess.

Andrew Largeman: No, come on, it's not like that. It will be fun. I'll tell you what, we could have a signal. Like when you pull on your ear that's the code and then I'll be like, oh I gotta take her home. And then we'll go.

Sam: Can we have code names, too?

Andrew Largeman: If you want.

Sam: [thinks] Okay. But don't try and kidnap me or anything because my step-uncle is a bounty hunter and he could have you tracked and killed.

Andrew Largeman: [laughing] You're such a liar.

Sam: OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true.

Mark: Hey, vagina!

Andrew Largeman: Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, it's Mark, Dave, and you remember Jesse.

Jesse: Hey.

Sam: Hey.

Dave: What's up?

Mark: Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said vagina just now. I didn't know you were here.

Sam: Oh, that's okay.

Mark: Nice. Let's get fucked up.

Sam: You gotta hear this one song, it'll change your life I swear.

Sam: That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.

Andrew Largeman: Let's just talk about good stuff.

Sam: Good stuff?

Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?

Sam: I got a little buzz. I got that.

[laughs]

Sam: What you got?

Andrew Largeman: I got a little buzz going

[pauses]

Andrew Largeman: and I like you.

[Sam, embarassed, giggles]

Andrew Largeman: So there's that. I guess I have that.

Sam: I can tap-dance. You wanna see me tap-dance?

Andrew Largeman: I would love to see you tap-dance.

Sam: We're not gonna make out or anything, okay?

Andrew Largeman: What?

Sam: Oh, I'm sorry. I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?

Sam: This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing.

Sam: How are you feelin'?

Andrew Largeman: Safe. When I'm with you I feel so safe. Like I'm home.

Sam: So what are you here for?

Andrew Largeman: What are you here for?

Sam: Waiting for a friend, you?

Andrew Largeman: I uh...

Sam: Oh fuck, that was so nosy. I'm sorry, ack. I am. I am so nosy. I didn't I didn't mean to be. I am sorry.

Andrew Largeman: No, I just get these headaches. I wanna have em checked out.

Sam: Cool

Mark: How about some fucking furniture, man?

Jesse: I bought a chair, but I didn't like it.

Sam: Where is it?

Jesse: [indicating the fireplace] It's keeping us warm.

Sam: This is the point in the conversation where you offer me a ride home.

Andrew Largeman: It is?

Sam: Yeah.

Andrew Largeman: Would you like a ride home?

Sam: ...Fine. But I'm not riding in that sidecar.

Andrew Largeman: Why not?

Sam: Sidecars are for bitches. Anyone who rides in one is automatically your bitch. Thus I will ride on the back.

Andrew Largeman: I'll be fine. Am I the first boy you've ever brought home?

Sam: No, but I lied to you before when I told you that my boyfriend drives a Ninja.

Andrew Largeman: He doesn't drive a bike?

Sam: No, I don't have a boyfriend. But, you know, he might drive a Ninja wherever he is.

Andrew Largeman: Wow. We're off to a great start.

Andrew Largeman: So how do people know what's real?

Sam: Well, I always feel bad afterwards and admit them when they're lies. Can you trust that?

Mark: Silent velcro. You lucky mother fucker.

Andrew Largeman: I feel like if I would shown up at school and presented the idea of silent velcro they would have sent me away a whole lot sooner.

Sam: Why did they send you away?

Jesse: Ooh, listen to this girl.

Andrew Largeman: They didn't send me away.

Mark: You just said they sent you away.

Sam: What?

Andrew Largeman: Uh, it's Titembay, right?

Sam: Yeah, it weird huh? You're like so freaked out right now. You're like running for the door. It's okay, you can go. Don't feel bad. It's really...

Andrew Largeman: [interrupts irritatingly] Stop doing that.

Sam: What?

Andrew Largeman: The whole thing you just did. I wanna be here. If I didn't I wouldn't be. Okay? Trust me, my family is way more fucked up than yours. Okay?

Sam: Okay.

Andrew Largeman: So... Titembay.

Sam: Yeah, he's my brother.

Andrew Largeman: Is he adopted?

Sam: Kind of. My mom adopted him from Sally Struthers, like, years ago. You know, one of those "for the cost of a cup of coffee a day" sort of things. Where she's like, "how can you just sit there and not help the children?" And we couldn't. We couldn't just sit there and not help the children. So we started sending him pictures and letters and stuff for years, but then I got really into ice skating so we sort of forgot about him. Then one day we get this phone call and it's Titembay and he's at the dry cleaners around the corner. And he's like, "I'm at Rutgers, I live in the dorms, but I'm used to living with my tribe so I'd rather live with a family." He's been living with us ever since.

Andrew Largeman: Wow.

Sam: Yeah, I know. He's the most amazing guy. You gotta hear some of his stories. He struggled through so much because he wanted to learn. When I think of what he's accomplished I just feel lazy, you know? He's studying Criminal Justice at Rutgers and when he was a baby he was one of those kids with flies all over his face.

Andrew Largeman: Wow.

[chuckles]

Andrew Largeman: I mean, it's... it's a crazy story.

Sam: Yeah, I know. I mean that's a true story! I'm not that good.

[laughs]

Sam: Sidecars are for bitches.

Sam: This is Tickle.

Andrew Largeman: What is Tickle?

Sam: Tickle's my favorite thing in the whole world. It's all that's left of Nanny, my blanket.

Andrew Largeman: Tickle is all that remains. Was there a hurricane or something?

Sam: Shut up! No, I mean, I've had this since I was a baby. It's what they brought me home in from the hospital.

Sam: I have three Dobermans, and if I didn't kick them in the balls on a regular basis, I'd never get anything done.

Sam: He's defending me. He's my knight in shining armor.

Andrew Largeman: Don't mention knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.

Mark: I'm going to kill that motherfucker.

Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?

Sam: My hair is blowing in the wind.

Olivia: Andrew, would you like to see Sam's ice skating tape?

Sam: Mom, no.

Andrew Largeman: Absolutely.

Olivia: She was so ahead of her time. She could have gone to the Olympics.

Sam: No! No, no, no. I couldn't have.

Olivia: Yes you could have! Don't blame it on the Epilepsy. You had a gift.

Andrew Largeman: Come on, let me see it.

Olivia: [excited] Let's just show him the Florida Stars of the Ice opening. The gator costume!

Sam: Mom. I'm asking you seriously.

Andrew Largeman: Come on, don't be shy. Let me see it.

Olivia: Oh she wants you to see it. How could you not want him to see how talented you are?

Sam: Were.

Sam: How's your head?

Andrew Largeman: I shall live through the day.

Sam: Cool.

Andrew Largeman: Who are you?

Sam: I'm your new friend Sam. Tissue?

Olivia: Honey, I asked you to get the metal wheel out of the hamster cage.

Sam: [gasps] I forgot!

Olivia: [holding up a dead hamster] Well, you forgot and now Jelly's dead. Luckily I got Peanut Butter out in time.

[to Andrew]

Olivia: We have to get the only hamsters on planet Earth who can't figure out a stupid hamster wheel.

[to Sam]

Olivia: There is a tin box on the kitchen counter. You can do the honors.

Andrew Largeman: There's a handful of normal kid things I kinda missed.

Sam: There's a handful of normal kid things I kinda wish I'd missed.

Sam: It's not that we're bad pet owners or anything, it's just, you know, we've had so many of them over the years. Besides, a lot of these are fish.

Andrew Largeman: I just feel like I've been going to too many of these lately.

Sam: What? Dates?

Andrew Largeman: You call this a date? This isn't a date. No, funerals.

Andrew Largeman: Do you lie a lot?

Sam: What do you consider a lot?

Andrew Largeman: Enough for people to call you a liar.

Sam: People call me lots of things...

Andrew Largeman: Is one of them liar?

Sam: I could say no, but how would you know I'm not lying?

Andrew Largeman: I guess I could choose to trust you.

Sam: You can do that?

Andrew Largeman: I can try.

Andrew Largeman: They sent me to boarding school because they thought I might be dangerous.

[mocking Sam]

Andrew Largeman: Oh, are you freaked out? You're like so freaked out. You're like running for the door. You can go, it's okay, don't feel bad.

Sam: [unamused] That's really funny.

[Andrew laughing]

Sam: It's really funny. Why would they think you'd be dangerous?

Jesse: You're like a little detective.

Andrew Largeman: Want to know?

Sam: Yeah.

Mark: You're gay.

Sam: Here comes the lipstick.

Sam: So uh, I gotta go bury this hamster before the dogs eat him... You wanna help?

Andrew Largeman: It's like the Wailing Wall.

Sam: What?

Andrew Largeman: The Wailing Wall. It's like the most holy place for Jews to go an pray in Israel. It's all that's left of this enormous temple that was destroyed by the Romans.

Sam: So you're like really Jewish?

Andrew Largeman: What?

Sam: You are, aren't you?

[laughing]

Sam: You are!

Andrew Largeman: No, I'm not. I mean I'm Jewish but I'm not really Jewish. I don't do anything Jewish. I don't go to temple or anything. But I don't know any Jews who go to temple. The Jews I know only go on one day which is Yom Kippur. The day of repentance.

Sam: Okay.

Andrew Largeman: Did you know that most temples are built with moveable walls so that one the one day of the year when everyone comes to repent they can actually make the room big enough to hold everyone?

Sam: I don't really believe in God.

Andrew Largeman: Just Tickle.

Sam: Oh, I believe in Tickle.

Sam: Large. I think I see one.

Andrew Largeman: [crying] Shut up.

Sam: Yeah, I do. Wait, wait, wait. We should save it or something.

[runs to get a paper cup]

Sam: Okay, don't move!

Andrew Largeman: We could put it in my scrapbook if I had a scrapbook.

Sam: Is that it?

Andrew Largeman: I think so. I don't really feel any more coming.

Sam: Well, if you do, let me know. I'll get the cup.

[laughs]

Sam: This was such a good idea.

Andrew Largeman: Who are you?

Sam: I'm your new friend Sam. Tissue?

[wipes Andrew's face with her arm]

Andrew Largeman: [to Sam while a dog humps his leg] Got any suggestions?

Sam: [laughing] What?

Andrew Largeman: [louder] You got any suggestions?

Sam: Yeah, kick his balls. Kick his balls!

Andrew Largeman: I don't wanna destroy future generations of charitable dogs.

Andrew Largeman: So why were you really there?

Sam: Charging. I'm a robot.

Jesse: But your mom was in the wheelchair long before you left.

Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Well, I was nine. So they sent me to therapy and put me on these drugs that were supposed to curb my anger and I've been on some form of them ever since. And when I was 16 my psychiatrist dad came around to the conclusion that it probably wasn't the best environment for me to be growing up in, so he sent me to boarding school. And I haven't been home since.

Sam: Until now.

Mark: For her funeral.

Andrew Largeman: Until now for her funeral.

Jesse: I can't believe the retarded quarterback is a pill-popper.

Andrew Largeman: It was nice meeting you.

Sam: You didn't. I'm Sam.

Andrew Largeman: [shakes hand] Andrew.

Sam: Nice to meet you. Good luck with your head.

Andrew Largeman: Why are you crying?

Sam: I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm not usually like this. It's just like, it's so sad. You know? It's so tragic, isn't it? It feels like real life tragedy or something.

Andrew Largeman: Anyway, let's just change the subject.

Andrew Largeman: What could be ruder than talking about someone else who died when you're in the act of burying a close friend?

Sam: Well, what should we do?

Andrew Largeman: I don't know. I've only been to one of these things. You appear to be the expert.

Sam: We usually say something.

Andrew Largeman: Okay, I'll go first. Didn't really know you, Jelly. From what I hear you were a really good pet. A little trouble with the wheel.

Sam: [interrupts] That's not funny.

[pauses]

Sam: Jelly, you were a great pet. I'm sorry I forgot to take the wheel out of your cage. I'm so, so sorry about that. Goodbye. I hope that you liked me.

Andrew Largeman: [a dog humps his leg] "He's got to be close to finishing now"

Sam: [Dog speeds up his humping] "Not yet, here comes the lipstick"

Sam: There falls no shadow where there shines no sun.

Sam: Look at you, rockin' the Foreman at 3 in the morning.

Sam: So, were you the bitch or were you the butch?

Sam: If my wife and I fought like that... we'd still be married.

Sam: Get a wardrobe over here right away; take the Amigos' clothes.

Sam: You don't like raisins?

Joon: Not really.

Sam: Why?

Joon: They used to be fat and juicy and now they're twisted. They had their lives stolen. Well, they taste sweet, but really they're just humiliated grapes. I can't say I am a big supporter of the raisin council.

Sam: Did you see those, those raisins on TV? The ones that sing and dance and stuff?

Joon: They scare me.

Sam: Yeah me too

Joon: It's sick. The commercial people they make them sing and dance so people will eat them.

Sam: It's a shame about raisins.

Joon: Cannibals.

Sam: Yeah. Do you like avocados?

Joon: They're a fruit you know.

Sam: Ruthie, do you got any avocados?

Sam: How sick is she?

Benny: She's plenty sick. Now listen to me, I've been doin' some thinkin'...

Sam: Because, you know, it seems to me that, I mean, except for being a little mentally ill, she's pretty normal.

Joon: Did you have to go to school for that?

Sam: No, no, I got thrown out of school for that.

Sam: Oh my God! "I've just been looking for my boyfriend. Have you seen him? He's a cute guy with a little mole on his right cheek."

Local: Hey, Ruthie. One of your ghosts come back to haunt ya?

Sam: "AH! Oh, Brad! Oh, Brad. Brad, please don't be dead. Brad, I never had a chance to tell you what you meant to me. Oh, Brad, please!" It's you! You're you! Ruthie Melony, co-star of the Prom Queen Mutilator with Dick Bebe!

Ruthie: You saw that?

Sam: "He was mine! He was mine!" "No, Cindy. You're sick. Cindy, you need help. No, Cindy! No, no!"

Sam: I'm Sam.

Benny: So I hear. I'm Benny.

Sam: With an 'n'?

Benny: Yea two of 'em. This is Joon.

Sam: With an 'n'?

Joon: One. You're out of your tree.

Sam: It's not my tree.

Sam: Mommy?

Sam: [takes "Help Wanted" sign from window of video store and walks to manager] I wanna help...

[looking at Joon's ear]

Sam: Kirk Douglas... Van Gogh... ear.

Sam: Joon.

Joon: What?

Sam: I-I love you.

Joon: Me too.

Joon: [door opens; gets up] Don't tell Benny.

Sam: Okay.

Benny: I hope you're happy... I hope you're happy with what you have done to her.

[throws Sam against wall]

Benny: You just stay the hell away from my sister.

Sam: [shakes his head] No... no.

Benny: You wanna know why everyone laughs at you, Sam? Because you're an idiot. You're a first-class *moron*.

[lets go of Sam. Pauses]

Sam: [nodding head while stumbling slowly away] You're scared, Benny.

Benny: I'm *what*?

Sam: You're scared. I can see it... And I know why. I used to look up to you. But... uh... now I can't look at you at all.

[walks out of hospital]

Sam: Thanks for the couch. Um... Mike made me sleep under the sink.

Sam: Tapioca?

Thomas: [Sam falls from outside Joon's window and lands in the bushes] Sam! Sam are you alright?

Sam: Ow, ow.

Dewey Cox: [irritated] I don't need people around me, stifling me. So if you don't like it, there's the door.

Theo: Dewey, are you sayin' you don't need us no more?

Dewey Cox: Not unless you can open your minds... and learn to play the fucking theremin.

[brief pause]

Theo: FUCK YOU, DEWEY!

Dave: Yeah, fuck you Dewey! In twenty years, not once have you thrown a woman my way. You don't think we like cheating on our wives too?

Sam: And you never once paid for drugs. Not once!

Dave: You pay that chimp more than you pay us! I had to borrow from the chimp to get a mortgage on my house!

Theo: And those stupid siamese glass cats you get us every year for Christmas! I don't want anymore siamese glass cats!

Dewey Cox: The siamese cat is a symbol of nobility in Ancient Egypt.

Sam: Fuck nobility!

Dave: Fuck Ancient Egypt!

Theo: ...Fuck cats!

Sam: And you never paid for drugs. Not once.

Dave: [angrily] You slept with my wife!

Theo: You slept with me, too! And I've had confused feelings about that for ten years now!

Sam: And you never *once* paid for drugs!... Not once.

[Dewey walks into a room with Sam and three women]

Sam: Sam? What you all doing in here?

Sam: [holding a pill] Dewey, get out of here. You don't want no part of this shit.

Dewey Cox: What is it?

Sam: It's medication for erectile dysfunction, it gives you a boner! Not to be used if you have a pre-existing heart condition. If boners last more than four hours, call more ladies.

[laughs]

Dewey Cox: Well, that does sound tempting, but you know what, Sam? I really don't want no part of that shit.

Sam: Did you hear what I said? It gives you a boner!

[after Dewey accidentally barges in a room filled with smoke and groupies]

Sam: [coughs] Get outta here, Dewey!

Dewey Cox: What are y'all doin' in here?

Sam: We're smoking reefer and you don't want no part of this shit.

Dewey Cox: You're smoking *reefers*?

Sam: Yeah, 'course we are; can't you smell it?

Dewey Cox: [Dewey doesn't have a sense of smell] No, Sam. I can't.

Reefer Girl: Come on, Dewey! Join the party!

[takes a hit off a joint]

Sam: No, Dewey, you don't want this. Get outta here!

Dewey Cox: You know what, I don't want no hangover. I can't get no hangover.

Sam: It doesn't give you a hangover!

Dewey Cox: Wha-I get addicted to it or something?

Sam: It's not habit-forming!

Dewey Cox: Oh, okay... well, I don't know... I don't want to overdose on it.

Sam: You can't OD on it!

Dewey Cox: It's not gonna make me wanna have sex, is it?

Sam: It makes sex even better!

Dewey Cox: Sounds kind of expensive.

Sam: It's the cheapest drug there is.

Dewey Cox: [at a loss and out of excuses] Hmm.

Sam: You don't want it!

Dewey Cox: I think I kinda want it.

Sam: Okay, but just this once. Come on in.

Sam: You're gonna have to give him a moment, son. Dewey Cox has to think about his entire life before he plays.

[Dewey walks in on Sam and groupies]

Sam: Get out of here, Dewey. You don't want no part of this shit.

Dewey Cox: Whatch y'all doin' in here?

Sam: We doin' pills. Uppers and downers. It's the logical next step for you.

Dewey Cox: I want some of that shit!

[on Charlie Manson]

Sam: His music his horrible... but he's a really nice guy.

Theo: Oh, couldn't be nicer.

[Dewey goes into a bathroom where Sam is with groupies]

Sam: Get out of here, Dewey!

Dewey Cox: What are y'all doing in here?

Sam: It's called cocaine, and you don't want no part of this shit!

Dewey Cox: Cocaine?

[Sam nods and smiles]

Dewey Cox: What's it do?

Sam: It turns all your bad feelings into good feelings. It's a nightmare!

[repeated line]

Sam: And you never once paid for drugs. Not once!

Ethan Cooper: [to Sam] The laundry basket is less than 10 feet away.

[to the dog by pointing at the socks]

Ethan Cooper: Beast!

Sam: Wait, you... you taught him how to do laundry?

Ethan Cooper: Apparently not.

Sam: So, she's a little messy. You're a perfect match. You don't pay the electric bills, you'll never see the mess.

[First lines]

Sam: Why'd you breakup with her?

Ethan Cooper: Seven reasons actually. Number one, she doesn't vote.

Sam: Eh!

Ethan Cooper: Shh! Number two, she cheered for Bulgaria in the last Olympics. Bulgarians don't even cheer for Bulgaria. Okay, so it was one Bulgarian and he was missing an arm.

Sam: The rest of the time she cheered for America?

Ethan Cooper: Yes.

Sam: Okay, that one's a stretch too. Look, why don't you just forget your seven reasons and admit that you only need one to talk yourself out of any girl.

Ethan Cooper: What's that?

Sam: That she's not Emily.

Sam: As someone who hasn't been in a relationship for a while, I think you have to move past the weird thing. Was she breathing?

Sam: [throwing water on Ethan's face] Those were my boxers.

Sam: A married French woman, 33 years of age, with two children. You could stop that sentence anywhere along the way, and have reason enough not to be in the relationship.

Brian: Dad...

Sam: These are the same French who didn't let us fly over their country on the way to Khadafi.

Brian: Okay, but it's not her Frenchness that's really bothering you.

Sam: No, but I can't discuss her marital or parental status, because if I do my pancreas will explode. So instead, I'm dwelling on the relatively benign, but still objectionable issue of her Frenchness.

Brian: Okay, but...

Sam: In the war, the French couldn't wait to give up their Jews.

Brian: Nobody could wait to give up their Jews...

Sam: Also, they surrendered three times in the same war. Have you any idea how hard that is to do?

Brian: What does that have to do with anything?

Sam: Because this is who you're dealing with.

Sam: [arriving at restaurant] Your mother's standing.

Brian: I know.

Arlene: They have no folding chairs here.

Sam: It's The Carlyle, Arlene.

[to Arielle]

Sam: You know when we first met, she only sent back entrées. Now it's chairs.

Sam: All I'm saying is that civilization is organized by couples, for better or worse. Frequently worse, I grant you. But there's a reason for it, which is that it's not confusing.

Arlene: [with Brian sitting in the back seat of the car] Do you remember what you said to me after the very first time we had intercourse?

Sam: Are you hungry?

Arlene: Before that.

Sam: Yes, I remember.

[they kiss]

Arlene: Tell us about yourself.

Arielle: Well, I am 33, married and the mother of two.

[Arlene sits]

Sam: Waiter, Canadian Club.

Brian: Dad, the meaning of the verb "baiser" which used to mean to kiss has changed a bit over the years.

Sam: It has?

Brian: Yes.

Sam: What does it mean now?

Brian: [whispers] It means to fuck.

Sam: Oh god!

[to Arielle]

Sam: Pardon my french.

Sam: Can I finish this conversation?

Arlene: You have finished it eight times.

Sam: In 30 years, I don't remember once ever being able to finish a sentence.

Arlene: Well, with your subjects, you don't deserve predicates.

Sam: Oh! What is that? A grammar insult? A syntax barb?

Arlene: We're now officially spending that law school money.

Sam: Half of it.

Arlene: We're seeing The Book of Mormon.

Sam: It's about Mormons.

Arlene: Not the original cast, but still.

Sam: Yeah. It's the replacement Mormons.

Sam: I cannot tell you how little I wanna see a Broadway show right now.

Sam: The thing is... It's crazy, but whenever something spectacular happens to me, the first thing I want to do is tell my wife about it. And, after 40 years of marriage, if I can't tell her about something wonderful that happened to me, it sort of stops being wonderful.

Hot Waitress: Do you guys have drugs?

Sam: Does Lipitor count?

Billy: I'm getting married.

Archie: What?

Sam: Wow!

Archie: To that young lady who's half your age?

Billy: She's almost 32.

Archie: Billy, I have a hemorrhoid that's almost 32!

Billy: Look, Archie, by the time she's my age, okay, I'll be...

Archie: Dead. You'll be dead, Billy.

Diana: That's a generous offer. Are you good in bed, Sam?

Sam: I don't remember.

Billy: Why every time the phone rings you think somebody is dying.

Sam: I live in Florida now, usually when the phone rings somebody IS dying.

Dean: Please, sir. How can I make it up to you?

Paddy: Get us some ice waters. Maybe later we'll find you other stuff to do.

Sam: Yeah, maybe later Knuckles here will let you wash his balls!

Sam: [beat] Oooh. Sorry. That sounded weird, didn't it?

Dean: Four Ice Waters?

Paddy: [Paddy glares] GO!

Dean: Right away, sir.

Sam: [upon seeing Billy] Where did you get the extra hair?

Archie: His ass.

[Dean has been led to believe the Flatbush Four are mafioso]

Dean: I'm very sorry, sir.

Paddy: Shut up, Dickhead! You think we give a shit about your sorries! Don't you know you're messing with Billy Bones, Archie Aces, Sammy the... the...

Sam: the Accountant!

Paddy: Yeah.

Sam: Sammy the Stove! They call me that because I *cook the books*!

Sam: [to Dean] You breathe a WORD about us to the Feds, we will *hunt you down*!

[Archie nods, Paddy shakes a fist]

Sam: Nap time.

Paddy: Prick!

Sam: Asshole.

Sam: [after turning down a prostitute because he couldn't share the memory with his wife] You know, a blow job wouldn't be out of the question.

Sam: Paddy, you have got to come with us to Las Vegas!

Paddy: If you think I'm leavin' the apaartment, you're dumber than that hat.

Sam: [to an elderly woman next to him in the senior pool] Lookin' good,, Gloria. Oh, sorry - did I just step on your foot, or was that your breast?

Sam: When you're from Brooklyn, getting involved isn't an option.

Sam: I live in Florida now. Usually when the phone rings, somebody is dying.

Sam: We have a problem. The rooms aren't gonna be ready for another year and a half. They're still remodeling. Archibald, did this topic come up when you made the reservation?

Archie: No, because you insisted on making the reservations.

Sam: I insisted, but then you insisted. And it is the second insister...

Archie: Sam.

Sam: That supersedes the...

Archie: Sam. I offered, you insisted.

Chazz: You know this is how I rolled when you met me.

Sam: No, when I met you, you were a great figure skater. Now you're just getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.

Sam: All I can tell you is that when you're my age, guys will be lined up around the corner for you.

Josie Geller: You have to say that because you're my teacher.

Sam: Actually, I shouldn't say that because I'm your teacher.

Sam: Sorry I'm late. It took me forever to get here.

Josie Geller: I know what you mean.

Thomas 'Tommy' Salomme: [Swinging the buchet on the ferris wheel] If the buckets a rockin' dont come a kn-kn-kn-knockin'... Yeah!

Sam: I like to say that men change, but we never do.

Thomas 'Tommy' Salomme: [sarcastically, making fun of Josie] Mr. Coulson Rocks my world!

[during a "sex-ed" class in which the students are trying to put condoms on bananas, Tracy has just revealed to Josie that she wants to have sex for the first time. Josie is somewhat stunned, but tries to offer advice]

Josie Geller: You know, Adelie penguins, they spend their whole lives looking for that one other penguin and when they meet them, they know. And they spend the rest of their lives together.

Tracy: But I'm not a penguin.

Sam: [has walked up next to them as Josie talked] It's an analogy.

[Josie turns to look at him and loses her grip on the condom which flies up and smacks him in the face]

Josie Geller: [to Tracy] Excuse me. I have to go die now.

[puts her head in her hands]

Sam: [Sees Anita outside the class room] Hi... are you here for the Sex Talk?

Anita Olesky: Ooo... I like a man who gets right to the point!

Sam: Are you Pam?

Anita Olesky: ...If you say so!

Sam: [Sam leads Anita into the room] Ok Class, this is Pam, she is going to lead us today in our Sex Talk.

Anita Olesky: I what! No, I what! H-Hi I'm P-Pam. Sex. Yes well Sex. What do you say about sex really. You like a guy... you do it with him... sometimes he calls, sometimes he doesn't

[she laughs]

Anita Olesky: Oooo.

Sam: We cannot turn against each other right now. That's exactly what the beavers would want.

Sam: Come out to the lake, have a few laughs...

Sam: [holding up the torso of a dead zombeaver] Is this what you want, you fucks?

Sam: Sometimes it feels like there are so many things in this world we can't control. Earthquakes, floods, reality shows... But it's important to remember the things that we can. Like forgiveness, second chances, fresh starts... Because the one thing that turns the world from the longing place to a beautiful place... is love. Love and any of its forms. Love gives us hope... Hope for the New Year. That's what New Year's Eve is to me. Hope and a great party!

Sam: I've got a big speech at the company party tonight, ok? This is very important.

Harley - Ahern Party: I've got something important too.

Sam: What?

Harley - Ahern Party: Me and my girl are gonna crush a twelve pack and watch porn.

Sam: What would you do today if you knew you would not fail?

Sam: Hey, put that away. Books get you in trouble around here.

Erica: I can't work right now.

Sam: So go home.

Erica: I need the money.

Sam: So work.

Sam: [Scene opens after Erica has told Sam about her date the night before, during which she experienced an orgasm though she wasn't touched] From a Flower? Like a vibrating flower?

Sam: Wait a minute, I've got something for you.

Alice: [rolls her eyes] Unless it fits on my fingers, I gotta hit the hay.

Sam: It better fit, or I'm gonna have to take it back.

Alice: [gets excited, closes her eyes and sticks out her hand] Sam, I thought this day would never come!

Sam: [Gives Alice a bowling ball] When I saw it, I thought it was right up your alley.

Alice: I'm bowled over.

Sam: When are you gonna marry me Milly?

Milly: Oh, next week Sam.

Tom: She's gonna marry me, ain't you Milly?

Milly: What would your wife say Tom?

Sam: [thinking Lars escaped through a tiny window] He couldn't have.

Putman: He's far too large.

Sam: Did you know I can hold my breath for 3 minutes and 33 seconds?

Sam: It's not a party until someone breaks the Jacuzzi.

Sam: The boat may be hidden under some sticks... or branches.

Sam: [referring to lyrics form a Coconut Pete song] You know, octopus spelled backwards is supotco. Juan, isn't that Spanish for something?

Juan: Supotco? No. But, the word for shoe is zapato.

Sam: hmm, shoe.

Putman: [returning from being on stage] What'd I miss?

Jenny: Apparently somebody's going to get killed with a shoe.

Sam: Nobody ever suspects the fun police.

Sam: To Gustavo Brambila, renegade, who worships the sanctity of the vine.

Gustavo Brambila: And can't afford a full tank of gas.

[they toast]

Kathy: You guys are brothers?

Mitch: Well, it's a long story...

Sam: My dad boned his mom.

Mitch: Okay, it's a short story.

[Sam and Mitch have learned that they are half-brothers]

Mitch: Hey, hey! Hey, you remember in 5th grade when I was under the monkey bars and I sneaked a peek at your sister's underwear? Remember that? Hey, no no! I was sneaking a peek at my *own* sister's underwear!

Sam: That's right! Yeah, and then remember in the 12th grade, you had sex with her?

Mitch: [short awkward silence] Okay, enough reminisicing.

Sam: Well, Mitch, looks like we got ourselves a fight, huh?

Mitch: Great, it's fightin' time! Can I be on their side?

Sam: Hey, doc, what happened to your foot?

Dr. Farthing: What I don't understand is... when you owe a bookie a lot of money, and he, say, blows off one of your toes, you still owe him the money. Doesn't seem fair to me. Especially when he's gonna kill me in four days anyway.

[Mitch and Sam screen a movie called "Men in Black Who Like to Have Sex With Each Other" to get revenge against Mr. Hamilton]

Screen Voice #1: Look! An alien!

Screen Voice #2: Yeah. We'd better have sex with each other.

[Sam discreetly looks at the screen]

Mitch: Note to self: Sam just looked at the screen.

Sam: No, I didn't! I was just making sure that the reel had...!

Screen Voice #1: Hey! This alien looks just like a hot guy!

Screen Voice #2: You're right. We'd better have sex with him.

Sam: So, you mean to tell me that that sweet girl's grandmother runs a whorehouse out of the building we're about to destroy?

Mitch: Yeah, I feel awful doing this to Kathy.

Sam: Hey, uh, Mitch, you're really starting to like this Kathy, aren't ya?

Mitch: [with a huge, smirking grin] Nooooooo.

Sam: Mitch, I know you, man. When you say "no" like that, you really mean yes.

Mitch: What are ya talking about?

Sam: Watch, I'll show you. Mitch, uh, did you ever rob a bank?

Mitch: [definitely] No.

Sam: Did you ever climb Mount Everest?

Mitch: [more definitely] No.

Sam: Did you ever say that you can see why women find Sean Connery sexy?

Mitch: [with a huge, smirking grin] Nooooooo. - Okay, so I like Kathy a little bit. Man, I hate the fact that we have to destroy her grandmother's building.

[pause]

Mitch: But we have to.

Sam: Yep.

[They jump into the car]

Mitch: Sam, are you pissing off the side of the building?

Sam: Sorta.

Dr. Farthing: For six hundred dollars, I can sell you a perfectly good hospital bed.

Sam: Are you crazy? I don't need a bed!

Dr. Farthing: [Nods, and gives the famous Chevy Chase "ingratiating stare."] Playing hardball, are you? Okay, five fifty.

Travis Cole: Mitch, Sam. What a pleasant surprise.

Sam: Yeah. Where's our money?

Travis Cole: [feigning confusion] What money?

Mitch: You owe us $50,000 for getting the building at 99 Franklin Street condemned. We want it now!

Travis Cole: But, Mitch, I don't even own the building at 99 Franklin. Well, I told you I did, but I lied. Good luck trying to prove it.

Sam: Son of a bitch!

Travis Cole: You see, once you stopped my bulldozer from leveling that old lady's house, I couldn't just let you get away with it. So I figured out a way for you to help me and hurt you at the same time. I guess I showed you guys a thing or two about dirty work.

Sam: Yeah, whatever, but we're not leaving here 'til we get our fifty grand.

Mitch: Hey, Sam, movie line!

Sam: [Sam wriggles down his pants and pushes his arse against the open window to moon a line of movie-goers from the car] Whoo-hoooo! How ya like THAT!

[Mitch stops the car next to the curb and walks across the street, away from the car, leaving Sam mooning the crowd. Sam, humiliated, pulls his trousers back up and exits the car]

Sam: He was supposed to keep driving.

[Sam chases after Mitch]

Mitch: Sam, tonight we make a wad of cash for doing something that comes natural to us, you know? Revenge! I'm telling you, we should open a revenge-for-hire business.

Sam: I never heard of a revenge-for-hire business.

Mitch: Exactly - we'd be the first! With every genius business idea, there's gotta be a first. Like, like the guy who first thought of delivering pizza to people's houses. Or, uh, the guy who invented crack.

Sam: Who's gonna hire us?

Mitch: Oh, Sam, I have a feeling that people are gonna pay us a lot of money to do their dirty work.

Sam: [after Mitch has been thrown out of his apartment] I'm guessing by the looks of that popcorn machine she threw you out for good.

Sam: [to Travis Cole's goons] How about we kick every one of your asses, and then we go up and kick Cole's ass too?

[Scene changes to Sam stumbling out of the building and Mitch being thrown out]

Mitch: [referring to Hamilton] That guy's gonna be our boss? Man! After a speech like that, how does he expect us not to screw him over?

Theater Worker: I said the same thing during my first day working for Hamilton, only that nobody does anything about it.

Mitch: Well trust me and this isn't just talk, but nobody screws me over like that.

Sam: Yeah, me neither.

Theater Worker: Sorry, guys. I can't help you out. I need this job. But if you really screw over Hamilton, I'll give you ten bucks.

Theater Worker: Mark me down for twenty!

[at a bar]

Jane Spencer: Sam, would you play our song, just one more time?

Sam: Of course... DING DONG! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!

Alaird: I had to file another complaint about you relieving yourself in the lake. The rules are quite clear.

Sam: Alard, do you realize how many of our conversations are about my penis?

Sam: I've heard the donuts in here are better than sex.

Quentin: You're doing it wrong, then.

Josh: What ever happened to free choice?

Sam: That's a myth.

Quentin: You know, I don't get the appeal of fishing.

Sam: Really. Well, I would imagine that most activities performed in silence don't make much sense to you.

Sam: You know, lemme ask you a question first. You're a heartless bottom feeding motherfucker. Well, I guess it's not really a question. Is it?

Sam: I don't know if I should be impressed by the effort or insulted that you think you can pull that off.

Sam: I don't drink.

Quick: You best check your cologne because you smell like you drink.

Scott: It is very clear that this guy is beyond lost and has no clue how to navigate his own actions.

Sam: Uh...

Scott: And what I like is he doesn't understand how the real world works...

Alan: Right.

Scott: ...and he's too afraid to show himself to the real world, and these are the seeds of his own undoing.

Sam: Oh, I don't...

Scott: He's a child. He's wandering alone in the woods... right?... Lost in the ether of his own neuroses. And this is powerful stuff.

Alan: Yeah. He's saying you wrote the perfect pussy.

Sam: The perfect pussy?

Alan: Yeah, the perfect pussy.

Scott: Now, around chapter 12... and I'm sorry to interrupt... but it's at this point in the story that it's pretty obvious that I completely side with the girl.

Alan: See, for me, it's more around chapters 10 and 11.

Sam: How can you say that? There's no real connection between them. It's not his fault.

Alan: They were in love. He just wasn't cognizant enough to see it.

Scott: Exactly, and now all she can do is accept the fact that he's completely inept.

Alan: That's right. He had it. He lost it because he suffocated her with his own fear. In the end, I mean, it's obvious that it can only be one thing, and that's that he's destined to be alone. It's really honest, and it's really simple.

Scott: Uh-huh.

Alan: He's cut everyone out. He's gonna continue to do that. He's gonna get over his issues with his mom and all that stuff.

Scott: He's gonna spend the rest of his life crippled by the fact that he wasn't able to show her love.

Alan: And if he did wake up, it would be a lot of substances and a lot of years later.

Scott: Mm-hmm.

Alan: And at that point, she would have banged half of Manhattan, so he wouldn't want her anyway, so romance or no romance, it's... it's over with.

Scott: Yeah.

Eliot: Dude, you are never gonna believe this. A shrimp's heart is in its head. This is fucking tripping me out.

Sam: Really, Cheech?

Eliot: Yeah. Oh, sorry. You getting a contact high? You gonna be all seizuring out on me?

Sam: I don't get seizures.

Eliot: Mm-hmm. What do you call them again?

Sam: They're marijuana-induced fits. It's a medical condition.

Sam: I don't even know... what do you see in me? Huh? And what's to say you won't just take off and leave whenever you want? That is kind of your philosophy, right? When life gives you something better, you just... you take off. Right?

Birdie: That's what you think? You think I'm just waiting around till something better comes along?

Sam: Well, I don't know. You tell me.

Birdie: That was the first time... I've ever told a guy that I love him. Do you know how shitty it was for me to get that response from you?

Sam: So, why are you here?

Birdie: Because... Idiot... I like you... Whether you choose to believe it or not. So, if you don't think that I know you because I don't know what your fucking favorite dessert is, then please tell me so I can stop imagining that this might actually go somewhere.

Birdie: My name is Birdie.

Sam: Oh, okay. Sorry. Um... I'm Sam. Um... my name.

[clears throat]

Sam: Take Pam with an S.

Birdie: Oh... so... so, Spam.

Sam: You know, the P is silent. It's confusing.

[Both laugh but Jemily sighs]

Birdie: I would *love* to continue this conversation, but... I

Sam: [interrupts] Yeah, ofcourse. Sorry. Yeah.

[to Jemily]

Sam: Sorry, I didn't see you.

Jemily: [to Birdie] Large coffee, almond milk, three Sweet'N Lows, two napkins, the name's Emily.

Birdie: Nice to meet you.

Jemily: [to Sam] Emily like Jemily, but the J is silent.

Sam: [chuckles] Actually, Gemily is spelled with a G, usually.

Jemily: Is it? Do you know any Gemilys?

Gary: Does she have a pussy?

Sam: Can you just tell me where the G is, please.

Gary: It's right above the clit, inside the pussy.

Sam: There were as many women in this band as there were instruments. That's the...

Sam, Birdie: This was an all male a capella group.

Birdie: Oh my god.

Sam: Yes maam.

[pause]

Sam: It's a... it was a man band, so get it... get it straight.

Birdie: Oh, there's nothing straight about it.

Sam: God bless my daughter. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her.

Blanch: In Brooklyn, Sam. You'd be in Brooklyn.

Sam: Bulletproof!

[last lines]

Sam: Hall Baltimore, master of witchcraft no more.

Hall Baltimore: Nevermore.

[they shake hands]

Sam: Say what you want, Linda and I are in love.

Maggie: Yeah, except for her boning my boyfriend, you two are the perfect couple.

Sam: Listen, Catwoman. At the end of the day, she is coming back to me, and we're gonna be happy! And where are you gonna be? All alone somewhere, plotting some little revenge scheme, that's where!

Maggie: Let me tell you something, Sam. Listen to me very carefully. Are you listening?

Sam: Yes.

Maggie: The only way that girl is coming back to you is if a blast of semen catapults her across the street and through the window.

Sam: Anton, can I ask you something?

Anton: Sure you can.

Sam: Do you ever get homesick? I mean, do you ever want to go back to France?

Anton: You know, I was never so much French until I came here. You know Superman?

Sam: Uh-huh.

Anton: Well, that's me. I'm Superman.

[all the cooks laugh loudly and syncophantically]

Anton: And France was like Krypton. You know, on Krypton everybody was Superman. You make a nice sauce, everybody makes a nice sauce. You say hello to a woman with your French accent, everybody say hello!

[all the cooks yodel "hello" with gusto]

Anton: But here, here on Earth, this is the place where I knew I had special powers. I tell the bankers about my little village in France, and they all say, how brave and amazing you are, Anton. I could read the phone book to a woman and they become hypnotized, wet as morning daisies.

Sam: So what is your plan? What do you want to do?

Maggie: I just want his dignity, that's all. I want him hopeless, loveless, finished off! I just wish him ill, very very ill.

Sam: How ill are we talking here?

Maggie: I'm not saying I want him dead. But, should that occur... people die every day, why should he be any different? I'm just thinking on my feet, though. I don't have to decide the death part right now, I can just wait and see how I feel once his dignity's a thing of the past.

Maggie: You know Sam, French men are very small.

Sam: Yeah?

Maggie: But not this guy. It's like Godzilla's tail! He could take down Tokyo with that thing!

Maggie: What's your name?

Sam: Mike.

Maggie: What's your name, Mike?

Sam: Sam.

[watching Anton and Linda on the camera obscura, without sound, Sam and Maggie ad-lib their conversation with French accents]

Sam: Look, my darling, I wanted to show you how well my hands fit on top of my knees, and also to give you a little...

Maggie: Get away from me. Get away from me, please. You are rude.

Sam: Oh, but I love you, my little lamb. I must have you. My love is throbbing at quite a fevered cadence.

Maggie: But you cannot have me. My love is reserved for another.

Sam: You cannot mean...?

Maggie: Yes! The Milky Way Man!

[on the screen, Anton turns away from Linda]

Sam: No, no, no! Anyone but him! No, this is a man who can predict Alpha Cluster emissions. Next to him, I am nothing. I'm a worm, I'm a little...

Maggie: Yes, I love his emissions. Not every man...

[they crack up laughing]

Maggie: ...can be the Milky Way Man.

Sam: No.

[on the screen, Anton sulks]

Maggie: What will you do now?

Sam: Forlorn, I will wander the earth by myself - thinking of you and pausing occasionally to have the sex with the skullses. Heh-heh.

Maggie: That's good. Now be quiet about that, or I will make you...

[Linda stuffs a pecan into Anton's mouth, and then licks her fingers]

Maggie: Eat another one of these pecans!

Sam: I like! Oh, this is very good.

Maggie: Look how I'm licking my fingers. You like that?

Sam: I like everything, I am French.

[last lines]

Sam: So I saw this episode of "Lassie" today. And Lassie was accused of a crime she didn't commit, and the Ranger was coming to put her to sleep.

Maggie: Uh-oh. How's Lassie going to get out of this one?

Sam: Well, the little boy told Lassie that she had to go away, far away.

Maggie: For her own good.

Sam: Yes, but you see, Lassie couldn't leave. Lassie just couldn't leave the boy.

Maggie: What did he do?

Sam: He told her he never liked her. He said, "I hate you, Lassie. I hate you. You're a bad dog."

Maggie: That must have made Lassie sad.

Sam: Yes, it did. Lassie trotted off, very sadly. But you know what happened? Lassie came home, Maggie.

Maggie: Did the little boy make it with Lassie?

Sam: Yes. Yes he did.

Sam: Just admit it!

Anton: [shouts] What are you talking about?

Sam: [re: Linda] That you were using her to stay in this country! Just the way you used Maggie!

Anton: ...Maggie? I never told you anything about Maggie. Who the hell are you?

Sam: I'm the Milky Way Man, and I know everything!

Sam: Oh my God! Oh my God he's killing her!

Maggie: Yeah, he's killin' her all right, and she's loving every minute of it!

Sam: He said something about having sex with my skull.

Maggie: Ah, he says that to everyone, don't worry about it.

Sam: [Maggie is watching Sam and Anton in Anton's apartment from across the street]

[about Anton's cooking]

Sam: This is really good!

[Maggie throws a tantrum across the street]

Sam: I'm sorry, it is!

[Maggie turns down the sound of Anton and Linda having sex]

Maggie: Help me get him, Sam. Take the road less traveled. It'll make all the difference!

Sam: No, forget it! I will not be sucked into your nightmare, forget it!

Maggie: Okay, fine, whatever. You know, I bet I could get this in stereo.

[turns up the sound even louder]

Maggie: Well, that is, without a doubt, the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

Sam: You don't understand...

Maggie: And I don't mean that in a trivial way. I'm a photographer, I've seen a lot of things. I once took pictures of a man who ate his own legs, and you would be the black sheep of that family.

[after Maggie mocks Sam's hopes]

Sam: Well, what is your evil plan, huh? You're gonna squirt him with squirt guns? Throw rotten strawberries at him?

Maggie: You looked in my satchel?

Sam: Yeah, call a cop!

Maggie: [shrugs] You are a strange, tragic little man.

[listening to Anton and Linda's boisterous lovemaking]

Sam: Oh, this is horrible! This is horr- this is worse than I'd imagined!

Maggie: Want me to turn it off?

Sam: No, no, I... I need to hear it.

Maggie: How very brave.

[finding out that Sam has been working with Maggie, Anton goes berserk and starts beating him up, then realizes what he's doing and sinks into a corner of the room]

Anton: Maggie... was my angel. She brought me here. I was nothing before I met her, just a waiter in a little cafe in Paris. And yeah... I used her. I used her terribly. But I told myself it didn't matter, because I was sure that I would grow to love her. I thought, if I could just love her, it would be all right. The shame would go away. You can't choose who you love, Mike... or whoever the hell you are. And I love Linda. I love Linda.

[sobs]

Anton: More than anything! Who the hell do you think you are to judge? Who the hell do you think you are?

Sam: I'm nobody, Anton. I'm nobody. Nobody to nobody.

[hearing Anton and Linda screaming with ecstasy]

Sam: No, she's not like that! She likes to make love quiet and slow and gentle...

Maggie: Are you kidding? That girl of yours is a carnival ride!

Georgia: That's my granddaughter.

Ethan: Do we have to like her?

Sam: How old is she?

Georgia: No. And don't even think about it.

Sam: Bringing up the girl's bags.

Ethan: I think they've got rocks in them.

Sam: He ain't heavy, he's my shit-head brother.

Sam: So, was it love or just...with Freddie?

Jjaks Clayton: Fuck off.

Sam: A good blowjob feels like love every time, right?

Sam: You know what, boys? Why don't you just let me take care of it. You treat a hot girl like dirt, and she'll stick to you like mud.

Sam: Why don't you watch where you're going, you skanky-ass bi-atch.

Girl at Trendy Club: [slaps Sam] Cocksucker.

Sam: Slut.

Girl at Trendy Club: Buttwipe.

Sam: Hoe.

Girl at Trendy Club: Monkey boy.

[Sam flexes his pecs]

Girl at Trendy Club: OH!

Sam: I have something to say to you... and I think that it's important that I say it out of the cage.

Sam: Professor Markoe! Thank God you're here! I was hit by a truck today.

Professor Markoe: Well, you alright?

Head T.A. Philip, Bruna, the Office Manager: He was hit by a truck!

Singing Waiter: When I say happy, you say birthday! Happy!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Birthday!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Happy!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Birthday!

Singing Waiter: When I say birthday, you say party! Birthday!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Party!

Sam: You're Christy Miller, the country singer? No shit!

Christy Miller: Well' there's some dispute about that, honey, but thanks.

Sam: I used to eat red meat every day and then I gave it up and then I had some again recently and I was totally bloated! I mean, like, really bad!

Man: If astrology were true -...

Sam: It is true! It is totally, totally, totally provable, you know?

Female Party Guest: Provable how? From gypsies?

Sam: Well, it's totally logical, right? You know, why wouldn't the position of the planets have an influence on our personalities?

Sam: I had two heart attacks before I got the bicycle.

Sandy Bates: And since then?

Sam: I also had two.

Sam: Y'know, my wife died a long time ago. We never had any children. I've always missed not having a son. I don't seem to miss it so much anymore.

[Tosses Scott the keys]

Sam: Just be sure you lock up before you leave. I'm going to bed.

Sam: You know when I saw 'Bonanza' the other day, something occurred to me.

Ernest Tilley: Eh?

Sam: Ya got these four guys living on the Ponderosa and ya never hear them say anything about wanting to get laid.

Ernest Tilley: Huh.

Sam: I mean ya never hear Hoss say to Little Joe, "I had such a hard-on when I woke up this morning."

Ernest Tilley: No, no, no...

Sam: They don't talk about broads - nothing. Ya never hear Little Joe say, "Hey, Hoss, I went to Virginia City and I saw a girl with the greatest ass I've ever seen in my life." They just walk around the Ponderosa: "Yes, Pa, where's Little Joe?" Nothin' about broads. I don't think I'm being too picky. But, if at least once, they talked about getting horny. I don't care if you live on the Ponderosa or right here in Baltimore, guys talk about getting laid. I'm beginning to think that show doesn't have too much realism.

Sam: You notice Little Joe never says "Hey Pa, I'm gonna go into town to get a piece of ass"?

Sam: [Sam and Tilley go out to bar to celebrate a sale that Tilley has made to break a long dry spell] You know, Tilley, I'm beginning to believe in God.

Ernest Tilley: Yeah me too!

Sam: No, you don't know what I mean. I'm beginning to think about God more.

Ernest Tilley: What, you were never one of those atheists, were you?

Sam: No, I'm not sayin' that. It's just that I'm beginning to give God more thought.

Ernest Tilley: What, did you have some kind of religious experience or something.

Sam: Well, yeah, the other day I took the wife to lunch, we went and has some smorgasboard, and it just kinda happened.

Ernest Tilley: [Gags for a second at this] At the smorg... you found God at the smorgasboard?

Sam: Well, yeah, I'm looking at all this food, I see all these vegetables, and I think, all these things came outta the ground. I see tomatoes, outta the ground, carrots, outta the ground, radishes outta the ground. And I think, all of these things come outta the ground. And I'm just talkin' about the vegetables, I haven't gotten to the fruits yet. And I think, how can that be? How can all these things come outta the ground? With all these things comin' outta the ground, there must be a God.

Sam: 'Bonanza' is not an accurate depiction of the west.

Sam: I'm slightly tone deaf, but Matt's always said if I wasn't tone deaf, I'd have a very good voice.

Sam: Now, uh, would we be playing it like little kids like, uh like, like "La-la-la. I'm a little kid."

Beverly Franco: Well, you wouldn't be playing it like a little retarded kid, but yes, you would be acting youthful.

Sam: I wonder what her twat looks like. You ever wonder that? 'Cause like sometimes she'll be talkin' to me and all I can think is "What's your twat look like? Why don't you show it to me you fuckin' bitch?"... Yeah I'm twisted. I got problems. I know I do.

[Charly is driving fast in downtown Salt Lake City]

Sam: Slow down. I want to be able to borrow this car again.

Charly: Life is for fun, Sam. Sounds like you need a life. Woo-hoo! Cannot drive this this in Manhattan.

Sam: You're not supposed to drive like this in Utah, Charlene.

Charly: Charly, call me Charly.

Sam: I don't think this is such a good idea, Charly.

[Sam takes Charly on the Ferris wheel for the last time]

Charly: It's been a marvelous ride, hasn't it?

Sam: The best.

Charly: I love you.

Sam: You'd better.

Sam: All I want is one lousy miracle! Is that too much to ask?

Charly: [crying] It is not the end.

Sam: What if I was wrong? What if there's nothing after this and it's all just a lie?

Charly: It doesn't feel like a lie.

Charly: Sam, wait up. Don't go, let's talk.

Sam: How could you do this to me?

Charly: To you?

Sam: You're not who I thought you were.

Charly: Sam, I had a life before I met you, I did. But it was different then, and I was different then. Sam... Sam, look at me. You introduced me to a new way of looking at life, but it's not going to mean much to me unless you're a part of it. Sam... Sam, I think I just told you I love you. Sam, please say something. What do you want?

Sam: I don't know. Not used merchandise.

[Charly walks off distraught]

Sam: I was jealous...

Mark Reynolds: mmhmm

Sam: ...and thoughtless...

Mark Reynolds: Don't let me stop you

Sam: Do you do that often, lie to complete strangers?

Charly: No, I lie to people I know too.

Charly: Describe her to me.

Sam: Who?

Charly: The future Mrs. Utah. What's she like? No, let me guess. A little on the stout side, but pleasant, always pleasant. Perpetually aproned, but never ruffled. June Cleaver with a day-planner.

Sam: You have no idea what you're talking about.

Charly: Come on, Utah. You cannot tell me, sitting there in your highly starched shirt, that you do not dream of tying the knot with some ultra-organized gorgeous woman who just happens to love to cook and sew and cater to your every whim.

Charly: Well, I decided to be fair. We Easterners are noted for our fairness.

Sam: Oh, yeah, I've heard about the Salem witch trials.

Charly: Not bad, Sam. Stick with me, and I will make you a wit. You're halfway there now.

Charly: I've been hoisted up on my own petard.

Sam: Oh, that can be painful. I got hit in my petard once playing baseball.

Charly: [chuckles] Oh, Sam, what have we done to each other?

Sam: Get away from her. You... you New Yorker!

Charly: I've been discussing the whole thing with God. We're very close now, He and I.

Sam: Oh, really?

Charly: I said, "Father, Sam's being a jerk."

Sam: And?

Charly: He agreed with me, of course.

Sam: Of course.

Charly: I told Him how you'd broken my heart. He understood about that. "But," I said, "I still love him."

Sam: What did He say?

Charly: He said I was probably a glutton for punishment, but I suppose I've always known that.

Sam: I love you.

Charly: You'd better.

Charly: That was it.

Sam: What?

Charly: In a world full of people afraid to believe in anything, it was your wide-eyed, obstinate, happily-ever-after faith - in life, in God, and in me.

Sam: [to Gray] Just because you're gay and totally in love with my wife doesn't mean we can't work things out.

Sam: What are you doing?

Gray: I want to die right now. I never want to see another human being as long as I live.

Sam: You're just coming out.

Gray: I am never coming out of this elevator.

Sam: This is probably the biggest revelation of your entire life. It's normal to be going nuts. It's normal.

Gray: I don't feel normal. I'm sick and tired of everyone saying it's normal, it's typical, it's ordinary. I don't feel any of those things.

Sam: Well how do you feel?

Gray: Lonely.

Sam: Why?

Gray: Because I'm never going to be able to walk down the street, holding hands with my partner without the rest of the world giving us a look. And me never have the wedding that I once dreamed of and I may never have children. And one day when I die people will never give as much respect to my grieving lover as if she were my husband.

Sam: Gray, it's not as if you made a choice.

Gray: That's what terrifies me. It's so much easier to be someone else.

Gray: I have to tell you something and it's not easy. It's really major. I don't know how to say it.

Sam: Why don't you take three short breaths and...

Gray: ...and one long.

[Gray takes three short and one long]

Gray: I'm gay!

Sam: What?

Gray: As in Marvin.

Sam: What?

Gray: As in, take the R out of Gray and BINGO!

Sam: She's the sun, she's the stars, she's the moon.

Gray: You don't even know her. She could be an axe murderer for all you know.

Gray: Oh, no, because I asked her to marry me.

Sam: What?

Phil Blackwood: [Regarding Nina] I love her... I'm terrified of her.

Sam: Sounds like the normal relationship.

Sam: [Slightly incredulous after having just witnessed Nina daringly rescue a small boy from atop a barn roof] What did you say she did back in Romania?

Phil Blackwood: [Puzzled pause] ... Receptionist?

Sam: You think she's really trying to kill you?

Phil Blackwood: No!... Yes... Maybe... Of course not!... I don't know. Why do you ask?

Sam: Because if she kills you, I'm next. That's why!

Sam: Daddy, are you a 'faggot'?

Robert: Where did you hear that word?

Sam: Kyle told it to me

Robert: And did Kyle tell you what it means?

Sam: Yes.

Robert: Well, what does it mean?

Sam: It's when two boys kiss and they go to the opera.

Robert's Mother: Do you remember that gloomy old grandpa that I told you about. The one who only comes out at night?

[Sam shakes his head yes]

Robert's Mother: Well, he's here.

Sam: Smelling salts. Smelling salts.

[Pretends to faint]

Sam: Grandma, why aren't you fainting with me?

Joey: We have a six hour drive tomorrow, Jennifer.

Jennifer: Yeah, and I don't want to sleep in the hearse. The hearse smells like drummer.

Sam: I heard that!

Jennifer: It's not what it looks like.

Sam: You ate beef!

Jennifer: Everyone be cool.

Tyler: Okay, we've definitely smoked PCP.

Jennifer: I can explain.

Joey: You can explain? You can explain why you're chewing on a severed arm?

Jennifer: Oh, don't be such a drama queen.

Jennifer: Nobody likes a judge.

Joey: Yeah, nobody likes a vampire either.

Jennifer: Screw you, Joey!

Joey: Screw me? Screw me? You're out of the band, Jennifer!

Tyler: She's kind of the best thing about this band right now.

Joey: Tyler!

Tyler: I'm just saying maybe you should sleep on it.

Sam: Oh my God, you really ate beef.

Hugo: She'll be here. I know women.

Joey: We're gonna miss sound check.

Sam: I hope she's okay.

Joey: She's okay. She's always okay. She just doesn't care. This is why I broke up with her.

Tyler: She dumped you.

Hugo: Yeah, for being an insensitive prick.

[Joey glares at him]

Hugo: Her words, not mine.

Sam: Didn't I ever tell you about my hemorrhoids? They get really bad when it's humid, you know

Sam: I'm going to share something I learned a long time ago... women can't stay mad. They are amazingly resilient creatures. You can forget anniversaries, get drunk and show your ass in front of you in-laws. They'll forgive all those things. But don't, do not get caught cheating Bro. They don't like it.

Sam: You know what we're good at.

Matt: Lately, not a whole lot.

Sam: What's your handicap?

Cinda: A six.

Sam: Mine too. Well, a six-pack. I'm a really good drinker.

Sam: Did you see the choppers on that guy? I don't trust somebody that can swallow their own fist.

Sam: Dealer's sitting on a sixteen, hits a five. Unbelievable.

Sam: No, listen; JJ has been making a fortune going out to the desert and swiping saguaros.

Matt: So we're getting our seed money from committing a felony.

Sam: I know about things like this. They try to make you feel like a plucked chicken.

Sam: We should hit a bucket of balls sometime. I'll drive the cart and watch your stroke.

Sam: Yeah, the ol' silent treatment. I used to get those with Rhonda, actually instigate them. You think I talk a lot. Jesus.

Harvey: You're not really cut out for this business.

Sam: That's funny. Most people wait to fire me before they tell me that.

Sam: This friend of yours, Alfred Miller...

Howard Prince: We went to school together.

Sam: And you had no idea that he was a Communist?

Howard Prince: He was only 12.

Sam: [talking about The Brother] What am I supposed to do?

Fly: You the city, Sam. Figure out where to put him.

Sam: Men's shelter.

Smokey: Too smelly.

Sam: Okay. The Hilton. You got the tab?

Smokey: What they pay you for?

Sam: I just make phone calls. You want him out, you could call the cops.

Fly: Cops? Oh, man.

Smokey: He knew the death seat when he sat down on it.

Sam: It's not like I got to drum up more business for the city, you know?

[first lines]

Sam: Hello, ladies. This is all kind of funny. Really. Actually this whole thing started because of laughter, you know. Laughter, when the smile has an orgasm. And out of one hundred of you women, I can bring ninety nine of you to this climax chuckle. I can. But I can't make the one girl I love smile, like she made me smile on the worst day of my already terrible laughable life. Which is an incredible feat, seeing I've been having horrible days since I was a kid.

Gretchen: You have to listen to me. We are over. Completely and totally over.

Sam: The next time you break up with me, you want to do it before I give you a ride home.

Gretchen: We are over!

Sam: Oh, no. You can't do this to me now.

Hope: You've lost your smile.

[pause]

Hope: You've lost your smile.

Sam: [voice over] Her name was Hope. She had this winning smile that could take home Olympic Gold.

Hope: You know what I think we should do?

Sam: No.

Hope: Which window did you say was your ex girlfriends?

Sam: I think it was that one.

[Hope sling shots a rock through Gretchen's window using her bra]

Hope: My number is five, five, five...

Sam: Okay.

Hope: Six, three, four, four

Sam: Okay. Six, three, four, four. Okay great.

Hope: Don't forget this. Smile.

Sam: Yeah. And thank you for giving it back to me.

Hope: Thanks for the ride.

Sam: Okay.

Hope: Call me.

Sam: I will.

Hope: Bye.

Sam: [voice over] I had to find Hope. So I took a job as a delivery guy.

Sam: Here's your order.

Sam: [voice over] It's lame, I know. But at least this job allowed me to search for Hope on every corner, in every building and every run I made throughout the city.

[running into the wrong woman]

Sam: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Sam: Wait... I can explain.

Sam: Oh, wow, Hope! Hey!

Hope: Hello, Sam.

Sam: Oh, my God. I've been looking for you everywhere. You have no idea. I am so, so sorry I never called. You wrote your number down in my palm and it was pouring raining that night, and it just washed off.

Hope: It's okay.

Sam: How are you? You look like someone dropped an ACME safe on your head.

Sam: Do you know Hope from Six E?

The Actress: My acting coach told me not to talk to anyone while I'm doing my exercises.

Sam: [about Hope] I'm not giving up on her.

Sam: Hey, Hope. Come to the window. Look at this.

Sam: Give me some straight answers or the espresso gets it.

Annie: I baked you this. It'll make you feel better.

Sam: That's good.

[last lines]

Sam: Annie, I love you. This is the only way I can get you to see how I feel.

Tanya: Women are just superior to men.

Sam: Like how?

Tanya: Like you can't have babies.

Sam: Like you can't open jars of peanut butter.

Tanya: Women mature faster than men.

Sam: Men are faster getting out of the bathroom in the morning.

Tanya: All serial killers are men.

Sam: Almost all cereal box mascots are men.

Tanya: Women can have multiple orgasms.

Sam: *We* don't have to fake them.

Tanya: Women live longer than men.

Sam: It's the only way we can get away from you.

Tanya: You can't take anything seriously.

Sam: You can't take a joke.

Tanya: I don't need a man for a thing.

Sam: You just set your beeper on vibrate.

Sam: Eat it, Willens!

Sam: We're more in than the 70's were during the 90's.

Sam: There's all these words for a woman who doesn't want to have sex: frigid, uptight, cold, icy. But can you like even think of one word for a man that doesn't want to have sex?

Danny: Dead?

Danny: Want to get married?

Sam: Can't, got to go out later.

Sam: Don't you find me attractive?

Danny: Of course I find you attractive.

Sam: Well then?

Danny: Well we're mates. You can't sleep with your mates, it's one of the unwritten rules of the moral code of mateship.

Sam: I didn't know there were any unwritten rules of the moral code of mateship.

Danny: Oh yeah, they're the biggies. No sleeping with a mate, no sleeping with a mate's girlfriend, no urinating on a mate's car. It's column of salt sort of stuff, Sodom and Ghomorra and all that.

Sam: What's happening to me? I can't even kill myself properly. I can't do anything properly.

Danny: I'm sure if you concentrated you would be able to kill yourself better than anyone else I know.

Sam: Really?

Danny: [nodding slowly] You do everything better than anyone else I know.

Sam: Sweet 'stache.

Frank: Thanks, bro.

Sam: He's in the Jewish Mafia. It's probably more like a club than an organization.

Eddie: Sam this man is in the mafia, he's not going to let us off the hook if we give him a fucking basket of sundry goods

SAm: Oh, but he's in the Jewish mafia, I'm sure that's more of like a club than a criminal organization

Sam: [to Hannah] Remember me? I tried robbing your house... and you caught me.

[Rehearsing what he's going to say to Hannah when she answers the door]

Sam: Would you like a Halls?

Sam: And who am I speaking with?

Bernie Jr: This is Big Fat Bernie Gale Jr.

Sam: Oh hello, Little Big Fat.

Felix Bassenak: Sam?

Sam: Yes, sir?

Felix Bassenak: Catastrophe, what is it?

Sam: It's from the Greek. It means "a misfortune, a cataclysm or a serious calamity."

Felix Bassenak: It is good?

Sam: No, sir. That's bad.

Sam: I never did get to know exactly what she'd done that was so wrong.

Judge Burke: Old Ben was a friend of mine Sam, and she killed him.

Doc: It was his own fault. He was ninety-two. I warned him not to marry her!

Jeff: How about keeping just one eye on the road.

Sam: Oh, come on.

Jeff: Not for me. For your daughter.

Beatrice: Yeah mom, for me.

Jeff: I think Beatrice should live long enough to see a white president.

Beatrice: What's wrong mommy?

Sam: Nothing, my baby. Just everything.

Jeff: So, public school it is!

Sam: No!

Jeff: So, back home it is!

Sam: No!

Jeff: So, homeschooling it is. And what a majestic home to do it in, don't you think, B? Which wing should we house the English Department in?

[last lines]

George Tanaka-Blumstein: You now, it's called Flushing for a reason.

Sam: You know, New York has some of the best public schools in the world. I just want you to know...

Cindy Tanaka-Blumstein: Why isn't your kid going there then, I'd like to know.

George Tanaka-Blumstein: Have you explored Mexico? Maybe we should go to Mexico.

Cindy Tanaka-Blumstein: Listen, if we wanted public schools we'd move to Delaware.

Sonny: So what'd you do after the army failed?

Sam: I was a postman, but... apparently it's OK for a dog to bite me, but I can't bite the dog.

Sam: [after Ben has just gotten away from some perverts playing Twister] Where've you been?

Ben: Left foot red

Ronnie: [about Bon Scott] He went out in style!

Sam: That's how I want to go out!

Lloyd: What, choke on your own vomit?

Sam: What'll your old man do when he finds out the van is gone?

Sonny: He'll be fine, once he wakes from his stress-induced coma

Sam: Did that prick just give me the finger?

Ben: Yeah. I think you got the whole hand

Sam: [Sam has just taunted another driver to get out of the van... and realised the guy's in a wheelchair] Shit, sorry mate. Look, how about I just run along, yeah?

Van Man: Oh, very funny. Run along. Well maybe we'll just, ah, stand up for ourselves! Get him, boys! He can't run without legs!

Sam: [Several other wheelchair people start ramming Sam] OW! The fuck are you doing? I said I was sorry!

Van Man: I bet if we could walk he'd want to fight us. You discriminatory bastard!

Sam: OW! You guys are mental!

Van Man: No, we're 'disabled'. But I suppose a bigot like you would toss in mental disability!

Lloyd: Sam, why can't I be in the band?

Sam: Because you're no good. You're our manager

Lloyd: So why are you lead singer?

Sam: Because I can sing.

Lloyd: No you can't, you suck!

Sam: OH yeah, you wanna have a go?

Lloyd: [Sam advances on Lloyd] Bring it on, I can take you! Me and my broom!

Lloyd: [Discussing their band getting back together] I'd be pretty good on bass...

Sam: Watch the road.

Lloyd: Yeah. I'm just saying...

Sam: Watch the road!

Sam: [Last lines] Hey Lloyd! You can be in the band!

Lloyd: YEEEEEAAAAAH!

Sam: [about Amy telling Sonny she's missed him] Was it like a "I'v missed you" like I walk into a room and your not there, or like "I've missed you" and I wanna rip all your clothes off?

Sonny: It was like a

[pause]

Sonny: "I've missed you, you know"

Sam: Ohh man thats a greenlight!

Lloyd: [after being handed a black AC/DC shirt] Do you have anything in white?

Sam: How many AC/DC shirts do you see made in white?

Lloyd: Well, it's going to be a bit hot wearing black in the desert, Sam.

Ari: Would you like...

Sam: To fuck?

Ari: No, a drink.

Ari: Think pure thoughts.

Sam: I'm not wearing any undies.

Suzie: Before Medea sailed away on the Helios she killed king Creon and the princess, with what? A: A rock. B: Spear-gun or C: a bit of Poison.

Sam: P-oison...

Suzie: Good guess.

[Lets lose the sail rigging hitting Sam in the head and flinging him overboard]

Sam: Kelly Van Ryan is accusing me of rape.

Kenneth Bowden: Kelly Van Ryan? As in Sandra Van Ryan?

Sam: As in, I'm fucked.

Sam: Hello, Kelly.

Kelly Van Ryan: Drop dead. You know how my mom's paying you off? She's breaking my trust. I can't touch it until she's dead, and now she's breaking it to pay you.

Sam: I'm sorry, Kelly.

Kelly Van Ryan: Why don't you start fucking her again! You can spend it together! I hate you!

[Kelly swings her binder at Sam, hitting his trophy, it falls to the floor and breaks]

Kelly Van Ryan: I fucking hate you, you son of a bitch! I fucking hate you!

Kelly Van Ryan: Whooo, it worked! we screwed the bitch!

[Kelly kisses Sam]

Kelly Van Ryan: It worked just like you said. What's wrong?

Sam: You scared the shit out of me. What's wrong, is you're coming here. That's what's wrong. Are you fuckin' crazy?

Kelly Van Ryan: Yeah, I'm crazy. Ask my mom.

Sam: No little girl can ever make me come.

Kelly Van Ryan: Jesus! Where did she get the shoes? "Whores for less"?

[Suzie gives her the finger]

Sam: Good to see you girls getting along...

Sam: We've gotta stop. I'm gonna cum.

Kelly Van Ryan: That never seemed to worry you out at the Glades.

Sam: [Ken is wearing a neck brace] What do you do to your neck?

Kenneth Bowden: Oh, this? I don't have to wear it all the time.

[looks out the window and takes it off]

Kenneth Bowden: There was an insurance guy around here earlier.

Sam: [looking at a photo] Hey Art, this is one hell of a fish.

Art Maddox: It's a Barracuda. If you weren't so busy chasing booty at the yacht club, you could have caught one for yourself.

Sam: You aren't going to eat that thing are you? It's Barracuda, it's poisonous, it'll kill you.

Art Maddox: Shit, man. I could say that about most of the girls you date.

Kelly Van Ryan: [in a voice laden with sexual innuendo, as she and Nicole prepares to wash Sam's Jeep] So where's your hose, Mr. Lombardo?

Sam: The hose, Kelly, is right in front of my Jeep.

Sam: I'm innocent. Goddamit!

Sam: After tonight, the three of us are not to be seen together ever again.

Kelly Van Ryan: After tonight.

Sam: Maybe we should split up.

Tiger: Totally.

Sam: I'd forgive you if you were crazy, but you're not. You're weak.

Dwight: [after initial pleasantries] I'm not used to talking this much.

Sam: It's what people do.

SP Wong: Let me tell you a story. Two men need an organ transplant, but there's only one organ. So they play a game. They each put a card in their pocket. Whoever can guess the other's card wins the organ.

Sam: You know I can see your card.

SP Wong: I see yours as well.

Sam: What thousands must die, so that Caesar may become the great.

Sam: He doesn't fit the profile.

Cassie: The profile doesn't fit the profile.

Sam: What are you doing?

Cassie: It's called sex. It's fun, you should try it.

Cassie: Can you do me a favor? Lean over and whisper something in my ear.

Sam: [whispering] You know what I said about getting different partners.

Cassie: Are you serious?

Sam: [still whispering] I take that back.

Cassie: Did you find the videotape?

[Sam nods]

Sam: [to Cassie] You're so good breaking other people down, but you never stop to take a look at yourself.