Russ Quotes in D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996)

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Russ Quotes:

  • Ken Wu: Yo, Russ, you gotta teach me how to talk some trash.

    Russ: It can't be taught, Kenny-man. I mean, it's gotta be the first thing that comes to your mind. You just gotta go for it. Try it.

    Ken Wu: Hey Ref! You - ...

    Russ: [covers Ken's mouth] Ah! Shh. Pick another target.

    Ken Wu: [stuttering] Hey, number forty-four, you - you - you - you- you play - you don't play real good.

    Bears Player: Yeah, right.

    Russ: Shorter, man. Get to the point.

    Ken Wu: Hey, number nine! Bite me!

    [is knocked over by number nine player]

    Russ: [laughs] Now we're gettin' somewhere.

  • Rick: [to the ducks] You're nothin' but white trash!

    Russ: [leans forward] Uh, who are you callin' white trash?

  • Russ: Hey, Biff. One more thing. After we beat you, the Warriors die and the Ducks fly.

  • Dean Buckley: You can learn a lot from ants. These Brazilian fire ants can teach you a lot about successful societal structure. You see, there's one queen in there, the rest are dedicated worker ants. Everybody pulls their weight nobody complains same here at Eden Hall, only you are the workers; the backbone.

    Russ: And you're the queen?

    [everyone snickers]

  • Dwayne: What'd he say?

    Russ: Something about a shrinking sphincter.

  • [Posing as a doctor, Axel searches for Storm in the hospital]

    Russ: Excuse me, doctor?

    Jack Axel: Yes?

    Russ: I have to check every one of these upper floors.

    Jack Axel: Of course.

    Russ: Can I just get your ID please?

    Jack Axel: You know, you can't have too much security.

  • Aaron: Hey, I'm Aaron.

    Russ: [silence]

    Aaron: How long have you worked for Mr. Miller?

    Russ: [silence]

    Aaron: Do you speak English?

    Russ: Yes.

    Aaron: Why ain't you saying anything?

    Russ: 'Cause I don't like you.

    Aaron: Right.

    Russ: My boss says I have to keep you company.

    Aaron: Of course, gotta do what the boss says. So, you two ever double-date or anything?

    Russ: No.

    Aaron: Ever go to a ball game together?

    Russ: No.

    Aaron: Ever been hit repeatedly on the head with a crowbar?

    Russ: Yes.

    Aaron: No further questions.

  • Russ: Hi. I'm Russ, and I'm a Sagittarius. I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners, and Tolstoi. Listen: I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bullshit, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO?

  • Mark Kendall: What was that scene in the shower all about?

    Russ: That's the thanks I get for trying to help out a friend?

    Mark Kendall: Oh you're a big help, thanks a lot. Did it ever occur to you guys that maybe you could've asked me?

    Jamie: Oh my God!

    Russ: She told us to look!

    Jamie: I knew it! I knew it, we enjoyed it!

    Russ: Would you shut up? Just shut up!

    Jamie: No that's it! We're homos! We're rump-rangers!

  • Jamie: This is terrible. I can't believe this happened.

    Russ: Most humiliating experience of my life!

    Jamie: This is awful. This is the suckiest thing that could ever happen! The whole school thinks we're... gay!

    Russ: Don't be such a twerp! Our past histories speak for themselves. No one's going to think we're gay.

    Jamie: I don't have a past history, okay? And neither do you! This is it. We might as well move in together and get his-and-his towels.

    Russ: Hey who cares what those assholes think?

    [pause]

    Russ: What were they doing in the showers in the first place?

    Jamie: *They* were washing. *We* were enacting a prison rape scene.

  • Russ: Tell us what happened, man! Blow by beautiful blow! Did you undress her slowly? Like first, revealing big lucious magoombas?

    Jamie: Did she have any tattoos or scars or anything?

    Mark Kendall: I told you I don't remember! If you guys are so interested in my sexual failures, why don't you go have a few of your own?

  • Russ: Dave, step back right now.

    Dave Spritz: Fuck you right now.

    Russ: Fuck you, Spritz.

    Dave Spritz: Fuck you, fat asshole! Dildo!

    Robert Spritzel: David, what are you doing?

    Dave Spritz: I'm talking to my wife! I'm talking to Noreen, and this clown whose business this isn't.

    Russ: You call me a dildo, it is my business, Spritz.

    Dave Spritz: You *are* a dildo, pork fuck. You porker!

  • Russ: Dave.

    Dave Spritz: Hi Russ.

    Russ: He's upstairs, he's still pretty upset about it.

    Dave Spritz: Did he talk about it?

    Russ: Yeah. .

    Dave Spritz: To you?

    Russ: He's told us what happened, uh, he was with his counselor Don Boden, I guess...

    Dave Spritz: I don't really know why what happened next, happened. He was talking about my son, and I was taking my gloves off.

    [slaps Russ with his glove]

    Russ: What the fuck?

    Dave Spritz: Why are you here?

    Russ: What are you doing?

    Dave Spritz: Why, are you here?

    Russ: I'm helping Noreen!

    Dave Spritz: Why are you helping?

  • Russ: What about the puffer?

    Crystal: Yeah, well at first I couldn't find it, and when we found it... it was all out of you know... shit... the... um

    Russ: Mist?

    Crystal: Yeah that's it. Do you know what his last words were?

    Russ: Come on, don't do this.

    Crystal: Krystal, my sweet angel. Go into my wallet and get the ticket because you and Russ deserve to have that money.

    Russ: Oh, come on... don't do this to me...

    Crystal: Fuck me, no fried clams?

    Crystal: All right... key lime pie!

  • Russ: You know, you better start taking notes, because when me and Gig start hashing it out there's going to be a lot of gold flying around and I don't want to miss any of it.

    Crystal: [after Russ's lame bomb scare idea] Right, then the firemen will come and the policemen will come, so kind of a lame idea, you know.

    Russ: Alright, jeez, it's just an idea, it's a work in progress for God's sake. Even a painter's got to take the brushes and clean them.

    Crystal: Whatever that means.

    Russ: Okay! Do you have any better ideas, Ms. Smarty-Pants?

    Crystal: Why can't I just distract Bobby somehow, the security guy? And you switch the balls.

    Russ: No, no, lame. That's lame.

    Gig: No, that's brilliant. No really, it's so simple, it's brilliant. In its simplicity Russ.

    Russ: [after discussing finding a beard] Oh, og God, okay, I got it. I buy the ticket in disguise! Okay? And this eliminates all the outsiders. That's it, okay. Yeah, yeah, now we're cooking with gas!

    Crystal: I mean, how would you disguise yourself?

    Gig: What, as Charlie Chaplin? As The Tramp or something?

    Crystal: Yeah, or no, like, from the Wizard of Oz. That guy. The Straw Guy.

    Gig: The Straw Man.

    Crystal: Yeah, the Straw Man, he could put some hay in his clothes and wear a hat.

    [Sarcastically]

    Crystal: No one would know it's him! Ooh, it's clever.

    Gig: Nobody would ever know! No! Russ.

    Russ: It's the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. If you're going to make fun of me, get your facts straight.

    Crystal: Well, my apologies sir. I am not the cartoon aficionada _sic_ that you are.

    Russ: It's not a cartoon Crystal, it's a movie.

    Crystal: Who gives a shit!

  • Russ: [after finding out there are cops in Gig's club] I've always wanted to give an inmate fame. You know, they kill the celebrities first, then they fuck 'em in the butt!

  • Russ: Well, now that Walter's dead we need to find ourself a new beard.

    Crystal: Oh... I know one! We could have Scatter... he's this really sweet guy from high school that installed my carpet.

    [after going through several choices]

    Russ: Want to have sex?

    Crystal: Oh, yeah sure!

  • Russ: What about this little missy? There's enough mist in this little puppy to save 10 masturbators!

  • Larry: Remember I told you about my brother's car, the one that got in a wreck?

    Russ: For the sake of expediency, I am going to say yes.

  • Crystal: [after having sex with Russ] Boy, that is always such a treat. Oh, with Dick it's like having sex with a sloth.

    Russ: Ugh, don't put that image in my head!

  • Gig: It's merely the concept of gravity.

    Russ: No, no, the concept of gravity is when you fall down and break your head open.

    Gig: Well, obviously your glass is half empty.

    Russ: No, my glass is totally empty!

  • Walter: Do you masturbate, Russ?

    Russ: Jeez, I've been so busy lately I barely polish my shoes.

  • Russ: As our Jewish friends say: "Enjoy."

  • Larry: Look Russ, remember I told you about my cousin's stepdad? The one with the roadside fun park in Colorado.

    Russ: Well, if you did, my brain immediately purged it.

  • Dale: Unfortunately Russell we have a new wrinkle in the situation.

    Russ: Oh really? What's the wrinkle?

    Dale: Basically I had to play pinata with Jerry the bookie's skull. See, that sort of ups the invoice a little.

    Russ: Is he okay?

    Dale: No, he's dead.

    Russ: Oh! Oh, God!

  • Dale: Give me the money Russ.

    Russ: Great, Gig. We gotta talk about this.

    Dale: I'll fuckin' ball-bat you, you creep cocksucker!

    Russ: Okay, okay. Okay.

    Dale: [leaving, picks up bottle in curiosity] Mint Listerine?

    Russ: Yeah.

    Dale: When did they come out with this?

    Russ: I don't know.

    Dale: Is it good?

    Russ: Yeah, it's good.

  • Dick Simmons: Don't say anything. Not a word. Because if I hear one bullshit comment like, "What's that?" or "What are you talking about?" I'm gonna pick that phone up and call the cops.

    Russ: What? Wh-what do you mean?

    [Dick goes for the phone]

    Russ: It slipped out! Dick, we're listening. Go ahead.

  • Larry: No man becomes wise without stepping on the soil of fools.

    Russ: Right. Right! But I never claimed to be a... that's good. Where did you get that? Is that from the bible?

    Larry: No, actually it's from this play I wrote in eight grade about Evel Knievel.

  • Russ: Oh Crystal, we are under surveillance. Last night I stopped by a convenience store. A cop pulled in behind me, he got out, he followed me in... and then he pretended to get a cup of coffee!

    Crystal: Did he pretend to get a doughnut?

  • Larry: [sirens wailing] Don't say a word without a lawyer, even if they beat the crap out of you. Stay strong.

    Russ: Not tonight, nobody's beating the crap outta me.

  • Russ: [asking who put his boss in the hospital] Was it Dale the Thug?

    Det. Pat Lakewood: I don't know, some jerk in a plaid shirt. But don't worry

    [imitates gunfire with his fingers]

    Det. Pat Lakewood: I killed him.

  • Russ: I'm not talking about a life of crime, just a momentary shift in lifestyle.

  • Russ: Why don't I take you to California. You can have fresh squeezed orange juice every day. If you've got a back yard there, you've got fresh fruit.

  • Russ: The thief gets the benefit of the doubt. Most crooks in this country use cap guns.

  • Russ: Which do you suppose came first, the hotel or all this atmosphere?

  • Russ: Who needs music?

  • Russ: Spilato is something we used to step on in Chicago when it came crawling out of the woodwork.

  • Clare: He'll manage to get another gun in San Cristobal.

    Russ: Who's going to wheel him to the store to buy it?

  • [first lines]

    Russ: [in the rain] Uh, Excuse me sir. Can we help you? Can we help you with something?

    Old Jacob: Did I miss the Spec?

    Charlie: Uh, yeah, I'm afraid so. The show was this afternoon.

    Old Jacob: Oh.

    Charlie: Did you come with the folks from Green Haven? Why don't we get out of the rain, and we'll call them for you.

    Old Jacob: No, no! I came on my own.

    Russ: It's okay. We're gonna call the home. We're gonna have them come pick you up.

    Old Jacob: I'm telling you, I didn't come with the home! Why don't you take those rings out of your head, and maybe you won't be deaf *and* dumb.

    Russ: [to Charlie] We'll it's alive.

    Old Jacob: I'm sorry kid, I didn't mean that. Your rings look very... pretty.

  • Russ: [Admiring Norma] That's a lot of woman!

    Mace: Ever here any of us disagreeing... about that?

  • Henchman: [Realizing that their horses have been run off] You know, it's ten miles back to town!

    Russ: [after a pause, he punches him, knocks him to the ground, and replies dryly] Closer to eleven.

Browse more character quotes from D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996)

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