Rubin Quotes in Road Trip (2000)

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Rubin Quotes:

  • Rubin: This is sort of an unusual question, but do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you? Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out of my own.

    Motel Clerk: Am I a drug dealer? No, I am not. Thank you for asking, though.

    Rubin: No? OK. That's OK. Thanks.

    Motel Clerk: Is there anything else I can help you with? Perhaps you'd like an 11-year old prostitute sent to your room. We can do that. Or maybe we can off someone for you. Huh? How's that sound? I've got it. Why don't we start small? Would you like a fresh towel? Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.

    Rubin: [sotto, walking away] Dick.

    Motel Clerk: By the way, Cheech, that credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out, so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.

  • E.L.: I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?

    Rubin: Yeah, I posted it this morning.

    E.L.: [Josh watches for a second, then the reality hits him] OH FUCK!

    [Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]

    E.L.: W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.

    [Josh nods]

    E.L.: Yes!

    Josh: Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!

    Barry: Hey, hey.

    Josh: What?

    Barry: Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.

  • Rubin: It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.

  • E.L.: Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: it's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state.

    Kyle: That makes no sense.

    E.L.: Hey, don't look at me Kyle, OK, I didn't make up the rules.

    Rubin: No no, this is legit, I- I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them, it's like- they're like loopholes. Right, for argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.

    E.L.: Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.

  • Kyle: It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off.

    [Josh, Rubin and E.L. are understandably repulsed]

    Kyle: Because it's your dog.

    Rubin: Jesus Christ!

    Kyle: You know, because it's YOUR dog, get it?

    Rubin: Yeah, we've got it.

  • Rubin: What class is that again?

    Rubin: Ancient philosophy.

    Rubin: Well I can teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours.

    Josh: Really?

    Rubin: Yeah, I can teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours. They key is just finding a way to relate to the material.

  • Rubin: I just said we'd make it across. I didn't say anything about the wheels staying on.

    Josh: What the hell are we gonna do now? I'm totally screwed! I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now!

  • Rubin: I am the king of the echo people!

  • Rubin: My cat can eat a whole watermelon.

  • Rubin: Why don't you keep your hands off other people's refrigerators!

  • Rubin's Mother: Why don't you go out and make yourself a friend?

    Rubin: No!

    RM: Yes!

    Rubin: No!

    RM: Well then take out the trash.

  • Ed: Ever wonder why people wear clothes?

    Rubin: Nope.

    Ed: But...well, look at it this way. Man's best friend is his apparel. Now, you start to dress for success, and you will score with the babes, and make the big bucks. You gotta admit that's true!

    Rubin: I don't have to admit that.

    Ed: You have to admit that!

    Rubin: No, I don't!

    Ed: Yes, you do!

    Rubin: I don't have to admit anything!

    Ed: You have to admit there's hair on your head!

    Rubin: No, I don't!

    Ed: Yes, you do! You have to admit that!

    Rubin: No, I don't!

    Ed: But you have to admit your cat's dead! He's deader than a doornail! That cat is colder than a well digger's ass! Pretty hard to deny that isn't it, Mr. Smartypants? Yep. Deceased. El morto. No more Mr. Kittycat.

  • Rubin: Those people are weird!

Browse more character quotes from Road Trip (2000)

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