Ron Burgundy Quotes in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.

Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.

Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?

Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.

Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?

Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.

[opens cologne cabinet]

Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.

Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.

Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.

Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.

Brian Fantana: Yep.

Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.

Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.

[cheesy grin]

Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.

Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

[snarls]

Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion.

Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?

Ed Harken: Dammit. Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.

Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?

Ron Burgundy: No. No.

Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.

Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.

Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?

Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

Ed Harken: Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.

Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.

Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?

Brian Fantana: I don't remember.

Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...

Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.

Brian Fantana: Damn it.

[Ron bribes the announcer]

Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.

Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.

Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.

[pause]

Brick Tamland: I love... desk.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: [to dog] You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.

Veronica Corningstone: Really.

Ron Burgundy: People know me.

Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.

Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Ron Burgundy: [Ron's dog barks at him] You know I don't speak Spanish.

Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom.

Champ Kind: It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*. And that is a scientific fact.

Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about.

Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?

Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible. She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon.

Brick Tamland: [shouts] Loud noises.

Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?

Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.

Champ Kind: Champ Kind.

Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.

Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.

Brick Tamland: Brian.

Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.

Brick Tamland: Veronica.

Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.

Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.

Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.

Brick Tamland: Fantastic.

Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?

Brick Tamland: Okay.

Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Garth Holliday: You were my hero Ron! Why'd you have to say that? You come out with stink like that.

[starts to cry]

Garth Holliday: Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth!

Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I would give you some money out of my wallet, would that ease the pain?

Ron Burgundy: [concluding broadcast] Good night, I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself San Diego.

Ed Harken: [various reaction from crew members] What in the name of? No!

Ron Burgundy: [oblivious] Sharp broadcast all of you. Great show, especially from you on the floor. A lot of hustle. I liked that.

Ed Harken: Ron, I've got to fire you.

Ron Burgundy: Ed, I've got to fire you.

Ed Harken: Do you even know what you just said?

Ron Burgundy: [shocked] Great Odin's raven! Veronica, she put that in the teleprompter.

Ed Harken: Maybe she did but I've got to fire you.

Ron Burgundy: [answers the phone in a very distressed manner] Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin'? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?

Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?

Brick Tamland: I don't know.

Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!

Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's leave the mothers out of this.

Ron Burgundy: [Ron is shirtless in his office and is doing arm curls with dumbbells] 1001... 1002... 1003...

Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.

Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?

Veronica Corningstone: Yes.

Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

Ron Burgundy: Knights of Columbus, that hurt.

Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?

Brian Fantana: Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.

[to the Panda]

Brian Fantana: Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, Panda Jerk!

Ron Burgundy: Great story. Compelling, and rich.

Ron Burgundy: Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!

[Brian shuts office door]

Ron Burgundy: Did I say that loud?

Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.

Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.

Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?

Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.

Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.

Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.

Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.

Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.

Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.

Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.

Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.

Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.

Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.

Brick Tamland: Man.

Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.

Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me.

Ron Burgundy: What are you doing?

Veronica Corningstone: I need this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.

Ron Burgundy: I'm using the tape. I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape. We are watching history.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.

Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.

Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.

Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.

Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry.

Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair.

Ron Burgundy: [insulted] What did you say?

Veronica Corningstone: I said... your hair... looks stupid.

[an A-bomb mushroom cloud is reflected in Ron's eyes; the knock-down drag-out fight begins]

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica after the news has just gone off the air] You've got a dirty whorish mouth.

Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

[Veronica turns and walks away]

Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.

Ron Burgundy: Don't you know I'd never say fuck. Fuck.

Ron Burgundy: Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!

Angry Biker: What do you love?

Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.

Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.

[grabs Baxter]

Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?

[biker punts Baxter over bridge]

Angry Biker: That's how I roll.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.

Ron Burgundy: Really?

[looks down]

Ron Burgundy: Yes, I do. Um... I'm sorry, it's... It's the pleats. It's actually an optical illusion, it's the pattern on the pant's that it's not flattering in the crotchal region. I'm actually taking them back right now, taking them back to the... The pants store. Well, this is awkward. I'm gonna walk this situation off and I will see you later.

[walking away]

Ron Burgundy: Nothing to look at! Get back to work everyone! Don't act like you're not impressed!

Ron Burgundy: Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?

Ron Burgundy: Sweet Lincoln's mullet.

Brian Fantana: So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.

Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

Ron Burgundy: [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good.

[yells off-camera]

Ron Burgundy: Hey everyone! Come see how good I look!

Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.

Ron Burgundy: That's a given.

Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being *near* you. I miss your laugh!

[laughs playfully and pulls on Ron's sleeve]

Champ Kind: I miss your scent.

[composes himself, becomes serious]

Champ Kind: I miss your musk... When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!

Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.

Ron Burgundy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen.

[standing on a diving board in a Speedo]

Ron Burgundy: Cannonball!

Ron Burgundy: [driving in car, speaking to Baxter] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.

[throws burrito out the window]

Ron Burgundy: Great Odin's raven.

Ron Burgundy: Let's dance, dickweed.

Wes Mantooth: You wanna dance, Burgundy?

[whips out a knife]

Wes Mantooth: I wanna polka.

Ron Burgundy: [sporting an erection after talking to Veronica, addressing the office] Don't act like you're not impressed.

Ron Burgundy: The human torch was denied a bank loan.

Ron Burgundy: [picking up phone] Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something.

[falls off chair screaming]

Veronica Corningstone: [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...

Ron Burgundy: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose. It wasn't you, was it? It was Wes Mantooth! Oh, I should have known.

Veronica Corningstone: No, no. No, I did it.

Ron Burgundy: [screams] You *bitch*!

[bears wake up]

Ron Burgundy: [Incredulous] You woke up the bears! Why did you do that?

Ron Burgundy: A La Jolla man clings to life at a University Hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.

Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus!

Veronica Corningstone: Take me to Pleasure Town.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, we're going there.

[to Baxter]

Ron Burgundy: What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

Ron Burgundy: [after jumping into the Kodiak bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.

Ron Burgundy: Son of a bee-sting.

Ron Burgundy: [singing drunk] ... Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Ahh... I make fart-noises with my mouth, and I like it cause...

Bartender: Hey nutjob, quit the singing! You creeping out all the regulars.

Ron Burgundy: I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!

Ron Burgundy: [playing flute solo] Hey, Aqualung.

Ron Burgundy: [while both characters are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I freakin' love you.

Veronica Corningstone: I freakin' love you back.

Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone as the news has just gone off the air] You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.

Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.

Frank Vitchard: Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place.

Ron Burgundy: Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe.

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica] It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.

Ron Burgundy: Go easy on her, guys, she has feelings too, you know.

Brian Fantana: Listen to Burgundy, he sounds like some school-boy bitch.

Champ Kind: You sound like a gay.

Ron Burgundy: Hey, this is me - Papa Burgundy. As far as I'm concerned Corningstone's fair game. Let the games begin. Wey-ho. Wey-ho.

Brian Fantana: There he is, there he is... I'm very aroused

Ron Burgundy: [the news team is in the bear pit, fighting] Hit 'em in the uvula!

[TV edit]

Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. You're a dirty bitch, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy: Do you guys really want to know what love is?

Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron.

Ron Burgundy: I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.

Ron Burgundy: [playing jazz flute] Little Ham 'n Eggs comin' at ya, hold on people hope ya got your griddles...

Ron Burgundy: [riding unicorns through cartoon Pleasure Town] Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.

Veronica Corningstone: Oh. Do me on it.

Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.

Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.

Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

Waiter at Tino's: May I take your order?

Ron Burgundy: Yes, I am going to have three fingers of Glenlivet with a little bit of pepper, and, uh, some cheese.

Waiter at Tino's: Very good.

Veronica Corningstone: Uh, I'll take a Manhattan, and kick the vermouth in the side with a pair of steel-toed boots.

Waiter at Tino's: Certainly.

Ron Burgundy: Thank you, Scott.

[to Veronica]

Ron Burgundy: Wow. Quite a drink order.

Veronica Corningstone: Oh, well, when in Rome.

[chuckles]

Ron Burgundy: Yes? Please, go on.

Veronica Corningstone: Uh, do as the Romans do?

[after Ron's blank look]

Veronica Corningstone: It's an old expression.

Ron Burgundy: Oh! I've never heard of it. It's wonderful, though.

Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.

Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic.

Bartender: You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.

Ron Burgundy: What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

Ron Burgundy: [doing mouth exercises] How now brown cow.

Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus.

Ron Burgundy: This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diago or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.

Brick Tamland: [comes on camera] High Pressure systems... High pressure systems...

Ron Burgundy: [shoves Brick] No, no, no, no, Brick.

[from trailer]

Ron Burgundy: Hey Garth. How's the divorce?

Garth Holliday: Oh, not so good... I'll probably never see my kids again...

Ron Burgundy: [Interrupts, not listening] Fantastic!

[addressing someone off-camera, who we can't see]

Ron Burgundy: How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time... No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Ron Burgundy: Brick, My sweet Brick. Brick, come hug me! I know you want to.

Ron Burgundy: Come get a taste.

Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.

Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here. Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?

Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you *did* this to me! You read my news!

Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.

Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary, "Veronica had a very funny joke today!" I laughed at it later that night!

Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you.

Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you *scorpion* woman!

Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

Tino: We have a saying in my country: the coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and only the ribs will be broken...

Ron Burgundy: [interrupts Tino]

Ron Burgundy: For just one night let's not be Co-workers. Let's be Co-people.

[following morning after Veronica compliments Ron's prowess]

Veronica Corningstone: Well done sir.

Ron Burgundy: And a tip of the cap to you, Miss Corningstone.

[last lines]

Ron Burgundy: We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...

Brian Fantana: Don't say anything Ron and just let it happen.

Ron Burgundy: ...laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we'll look back on this with much fondness.

Brian Fantana: Yeah, yeah.

Ron Burgundy: The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...

[kisses his biceps]

Ron Burgundy: and see if she likes the goods.

Angry Biker: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass.

Ron Burgundy: If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.

Ron Burgundy: I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.

Ron Burgundy: [to an offscreen cameraman] I'm on right now?... I don't believe you.

[goes on smoking]

Ron Burgundy: I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.

Ron Burgundy: [after Brian introduces Ron to a girl, who then later points toward her breasts] Uh-oh. She pointed to her boobies.

Ron Burgundy: [signing off] You stay classy, Planet Earth.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harkin, I just wondering if you knew when my office would be ready.

Ed Harken: Well, that might take some time. For now why don't you just grab a desk in the bullpen?

Ron Burgundy: [shouting in a monotonous voice] YOU CAN USE MY OFFICE AND AFTERWARDS, MAYBE WE CAN GO TO LUNCH.

Ed Harken: Lower your voice, Ron.

Ron Burgundy: [doing voice exercises] The arsonist has oddly-shaped feet.

Ron Burgundy: Antony and Cleopatra!

Ed Harken: Ron, are you paying attention?

Ron Burgundy: Nope!

Ron Burgundy: [doing voice exercises] Unique New York.

Tino: You eat that for the way you talk about my city!

Ron Burgundy: I will NOT eat that!

Tino: You are going to eat that cat poop!

Ron Burgundy: I will not eat cat poop.

Tino: You will eat cat poop!

Ron Burgundy: Ron Burgundy says "NO!"

Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?

Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man.

Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.

Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?

Ron Burgundy: [to waiter] I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.

Announcer: [theme music begins] Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00.

Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.

Ron Burgundy: [picking his teeth] Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.

Ron Burgundy: If you've got an ass like the North Star, wise men are gonna want to follow it.

Wes Mantooth: With the things I've done in my life, oh I know I'm going to burn in hell. So I sure as shit ain't afraid to burn here on earth.

Ron Burgundy: Oh my goodness! That's the most badass thing I've ever heard!

Freddie Shapp: You're on the 2 AM to 5 AM slot.

Ron Burgundy: What? That's the graveyard shift!

Brick Tamland: I ain't afraid of no ghost!

Ron Burgundy: Who the hell is Julius Caesar? You know I don't follow the NBA!

Mack Tannen: What are you, Finnish?

Ron Burgundy: Oddly enough I'm full blown 100% Mexican. Straight out of the state of Oaxaca.

Veronica Corningstone: No, you're not, Ron!

Ron Burgundy: [shrugs]

Ron Burgundy: I'm not trying to be funny, but are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability?

Ron Burgundy: Suicide makes you hungry. I don't care what anyone says.

Gary: Do you know what a psychiatrist is, Ron?

Ron Burgundy: [pause... looks like he's going to cry] Fuck you...

Ron Burgundy: Andre the Giant gave a surprisingly nimble foot rub.

Ron Burgundy: The Tooth Fairy's exposed breast made the child uncomfortable.

Ron Burgundy: No offense, but you are a stupid asshole.

Ron Burgundy: By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!

Ron Burgundy: Which one of you pipe hittin bitches can pass the salt?

[At Madison Square Park, Ron runs into Jack Lime and his team]

Ron Burgundy: [shocked] What the hell?

Jack Lime: Well, hello, Ron. You out for a jog?

Ron Burgundy: Jack Lime!

[Parents and children scatter away]

Ron Burgundy: Where's everyone going? Please, I don't have time to talk, okay? I have to be somewhere.

Jack Lime: Well, that's funny. 'Cause I got nowhere to be because you pretty much destroyed my career. Do you realize what it did to me, by making myself call me "Jack Lame"?

[yells]

Jack Lime: It was a living hell!

[panting]

Ron Burgundy: I'm telling you, you have to let me go!

Jack Lime: Oh, don't worry. Four against one. This'll be over fast.

Brian Fantana: Maybe not so fast!

[Champ, Brick, and Brian appear to the rescue]

Ron Burgundy: My news team! Thank God!

Champ Kind: Ain't a day that will be or has been that we don't Ron Burgundy's back.

Jack Lime: Not a problem. When I done with these mutts, I gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.

Brick Tamland: Oh, yeah, Jack Lime? When I'm done with you, my mom's gonna pick me up and take me home.

Ron Burgundy: It doesn't matter whose fault the break-up was, I was stubborn, you were like a mentally ill whore from the 1800's.

Ron Burgundy: It's actually pronounced Sahn Dee-aaahh-go.

Ron Burgundy: Let's not down play the fact that that is Stonewall Jackson ghost right there.

Brick Tamland: I have a black man that follows me everywhere when it's sunny.

Ron Burgundy: Actually, I think that's your shadow Brick.

Brick Tamland: I call him Leon, he's about half as tall as I am, depending on what time of day it is. He likes to play the timpani, and he is a water color.

Ron Burgundy: What happens to him when it gets cloudy outside?

Brick Tamland: He goes home.

Ron Burgundy: Now I'm not trying to sound funny here, but are you sure he's just not some midget with a mental disability?

Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?

Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen! What are you doing here? You're too old for this!

Canadian Anchor: I had a crush on him when I was a schoolgirl.

CBC News Anchor: You like it wrinkled, huh?

BBC News Anchor: Wait!

[the BBC News team arrives]

BBC News Anchor: Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wankerman Gets a Bloody Good Hiding from News Reader from a Superior Country". For we are the BBC News Service.

[the BBC news team yells]

Ron Burgundy: Oh, not now!

Ron Burgundy: I would eat dolphins if it was legal.

Ron Burgundy: All right, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return. People will die.

Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: I'm so horny right now.

Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured. In some cases, lasting friendships will be made. And as usual, no touching of the hair and face.

CBC News Anchor: Come on. What do we look like, rookies?

CBC News Anchor, Canadian Anchor: Sorry.

Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!

El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: [on top of the Flatiron Building; yells] I am El Trousias! Hear my siren song!

[plays the battle song]

ESPN Reporter: El Trousias... The Juicies'. Hmm.

El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: That means you can start.

Ron Burgundy: If I win, you must change your name legally to Jack LAME!

Ron Burgundy: Don't just have a great night, have an *American* night.

Ron Burgundy: [repeated line, when he first meets Linda] Black!

Ron Burgundy: [when coming up with name suggestions for Jack Lime] How about this one? You can call yourself Dick Fuck.

Freddie Shapp: Oh, hey Linda. I wanna introduce you to Ron Burgundy.

Linda Jackson: Hello Mr. Burgundy.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, black. You're black.

[Linda laughs awkwardly]

Ron Burgundy: I'm terribly sorry, I don't know why I can't stop saying: black.

Linda Jackson: Is this for real?

Freddie Shapp: I'm sorry.

Linda Jackson: [angry] No it's okay. Okay. So you have a black boss. And it's freaking you out. Is it freaking you out?

Ron Burgundy: A little bit.

Linda Jackson: Are you freaked out?

Ron Burgundy: To be honest

Linda Jackson: [yells] Is it freaking you out?

Champ Kind: Oh! She's got a knife!

[Brick hides behind a couch]

Ron Burgundy: I think you scared him. You can't shout at Brick.

Linda Jackson: We're not all here to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. So as long as you guys get numbers, we are gonna get along just fine. Now if you don't, I am gonna be icy and unpleasant. You dig?

Ron Burgundy: I dig. We all dig.

Ron Burgundy: I'm blind!