Ron Albertson Quotes in Waiting for Guffman (1996)

Ron Albertson: We consider ourselves bi-costal if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts.

Ron Albertson: If there's an empty space, just fill it with a line, that's what I like to do. Even if it's from another show.

Ron Albertson: Some people find it ironical that although we run a travel agency, we've never been outside of Blaine.

Ron Albertson: I had to have penis reduction surgery.

Dr. Allan Pearl: Penis *reduction*?

Sheila: I said to him, "Ron, you've gotta do something!" And he says to me, "Well, why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?"

[the Pearls and the Albertsons are dining at the Chop Suey Chinese kitchen]

Ron Albertson: Let me ask you something. You're a medical man.

Dr. Allan Pearl: Yes.

Ron Albertson: Uh... I wanna ask you something... if you... you...

[stands up, prepares to drop trousers]

Dr. Allan Pearl: [Horrified] Oh!

Ron Albertson: No, I, I...

Dr. Allan Pearl: Oh, for heaven's sake, no, noooooo...

Ron Albertson: Look, no please, I just want...

Dr. Allan Pearl: No!

Mrs. Allan Pearl: You don't have to do that...

Ron Albertson: Doctor, please...

Dr. Allan Pearl: Mmmmmedicine Man not go near Dances With Stumpy! Noooo!

[Ron and Sheila are extras in some kind of Hollywood western]

Ron Albertson: I'd wish they'd at least give us a line. I made some suggestions...

Sheila: We should be line-DANCING.

Ron Albertson: You know, in China they'll kill a monkey at the table and split its head open and eat the brains right out of it.