Ron Quotes in Attack the Block (2011)

[of the first alien the boys killed]

Ron: It smells like a shit did a shit.

Ron: [about the alien the boys found] No idea. Not a bloody clue. Maybe there was a party at the zoo, and a monkey fucked a fish.

Ron: Even if it is an alien invasion, they're four foot high, blind and got kicked to death by a bunch of kids. We got nothing to worry about.

Ron: Well, 'ere, lads, you've discovered a species hitherto unknown to science, quite possibly non-terrestrial in origin, and you kicked its fuckin' head in!

Ron: You know the only reason I don't beat the crap out of you, is because I think you'd like it!

Ron: I see your problem, David. And I hate to mention this, but... I'm dyin' in a rush!

Ron: You ever been laid, Kim?

Kim: No, never; what's it like?

Hermione: Now if you two don't mind, I'm going to bed before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed - or worse, expelled.

Ron: She needs to sort out her priorities!

Ron: [Harry and Ron arrive late to Transfiguration, relieved that Professor McGonagall isn't there yet] Whew, made it. Can you imagine the look on old McGonagall's face if we were late?

[the cat sitting at the head of the class suddenly transforms into her]

Ron: That was bloody brilliant!

Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch? That way, one of you might be on time.

Harry: We got lost.

Professor McGonagall: Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need one to find your seats.

Hermione: Neville, I'm really, really sorry about this.

[raises her wand]

Hermione: Petrificus Totalus!

[Neville's arms snap to his sides, and he drops to the floor, frozen stiff as a board]

Ron: You're a little scary sometimes, you know that? Brilliant... but scary.

Ron: Immortal?

Hermione: It means you'll never die.

Ron: [angry] I know what it means!

Hermione: [after Hermione and Harry sink in the Devil's Snare, Ron is still panicking] He's not relaxing, is he?

Harry: Apparently not.

Hermione: I've gotta do something!

Harry: What?

Hermione: Oh, I remember reading something in herbology... um...

Ron: Hel-!

Hermione: Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare..."It's deadly fun, but will sulk in the sun!" That's it! Devil's Snare hates sunlight! Lumos Solem!

[she conjures a type of sunlight from her wand; Ron falls to the ground below]

Harry: Ron, you okay?

Ron: Yeah.

Harry: Okay.

Ron: [sigh] Lucky we didn't panic.

Harry: Lucky Hermione pays attention in herbology.

[in the Devil's Snare]

Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster!

Ron: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!

Ron: I think we've had a bad influence on her.

Ron: What do they think they're doing, keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?

Hermione: You don't use your eyes, do you? Didn't you see what it was standing on?

Ron: I wasn't looking at its feet! I was a bit preoccupied with its heads... or maybe you didn't notice? There were three!

Ron: It's spooky! She knows more about you than you do!

Harry: Who doesn't?

Harry: Good of you to get us out of trouble like that.

Ron: Mind you, we did save her life!

Harry: Mind you, she might not have needed saving if you hadn't insulted her.

Ron: I'm Ron by the way, Ron Weasley.

Harry: I'm Harry. Harry Potter.

Ron: So... so it's true! I mean, do you really have the... the...

Harry: The what?

Ron: [in a hushed tone] The scar?

Harry: Oh.

[shows him the scar on his forehead]

Harry: Yeah.

Ron: Wicked!

Hermione: [putting a large book on the table] I checked this out weeks ago for a bit of light reading.

Ron: This is light?

Ron: [mimicking Hermione] "It's Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR." She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!

[Hermione comes up from behind them and pushes past Ron, in tears]

Harry: I think she heard you.

[during the final chess game; Harry looks around at the board]

Harry: Wait a minute!

Ron: You see it, don't you, Harry? Once I make my move, the Queen will take me. Then you're free to check the King.

Harry: No. Ron, NO!

Hermione: What is it?

Harry: He's going to sacrifice himself.

Hermione: No, you can't, there must be another way!

Ron: Do you want to stop Snape from getting that stone or not?

[Hermione looks stunned]

Ron: Harry, it's you that has to go on, I *know* it. Not me, not Hermione, YOU.

[Harry takes a deep breath and nods]

Ron: [after a deep breath] Knight to H3.

[Ron and his horse advance to the next square. Ron breathes deep]

Ron: Check.

[The white Queen turns, advances slowly upon him, then draws her sword and plunges it into his horse, throwing him violently to the ground]

Harry: RON!

[Hermione makes as if to run to him]

Harry: [to Hermione] NO! DON'T MOVE! Don't forget - we're still playing.

[Harry moves three squares diagonally to his left and turns to face the King]

Harry: CHECKMATE.

Fred Weasley: Well done, Harry. Wood's just told us.

Ron: Fred and George are on the team, too. Beaters.

George Weasley: Our job is to make sure that you don't get bloodied up too bad. Can't make any promises, of course. Rough game, Quidditch.

Fred Weasley: Brutal, but no one's died in years. Someone will vanish occasionally, but they'll turn up in a month or two!

[after being in the Dark Forest]

Harry: I think if he'd had the chance, he might've tried to kill me tonight.

Ron: And to think, I've been worrying about my potions final.

[deleted scene]

Ron: [Neville comes hopping in, his legs apparently stuck together] Leg-Locker Curse?

Harry: Malfoy.

Ron: You have *got* to start standing up to people, Neville.

Neville Longbottom: [wobbling uncontrollably] How? I can barely stand at all!

Seamus Finnigan: [jumping up, wand at the ready] I'll do the counter-curse!

Neville Longbottom: No, that's all I need... you to set my bloody kneecaps on fire!

Seamus Finnigan: [slamming his wand down] I don't appreciate the insinuation, Longbottom. Besides, if anyone cares to notice, my eyebrows have completely grown back!

[stalks off angrily, showing a large chunk of hair missing from the back of his head]

Harry: I found him!

[hands Ron a Chocolate Frog card of Dumbledore]

Ron: 'Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the Dark Wizard Grindelwald in 1945-'

Harry: Go on.

Ron: '-for his discovery of the 12 uses of Dragon Blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner Nicolas Flamel!'

Harry: I knew the name sounded familiar, I read it on the train that day.

Hermione: [Beaming excitedly] Follow me!

[the Trio tears out of the Great Hall, leaving poor Neville still flailing around]

Neville Longbottom: Hey, wait, where are you going? What about the counter-curse?

[Before he can say another word he topples over backwards, sparking a fresh round of laughter from the other students]

Seamus Finnigan: Eye of rabbit, harp string hum, turn this water into rum.

[he checks the goblet, then tries again]

Seamus Finnigan: Eye of rabbit, harp string hum...

Harry: What's Seamus trying to do to that glass of water?

Ron: Turn it to rum. Actually managed a weak tea yesterday! Before...

[explosion]

Hermione: Look at you playing with your cards. Pathetic! We've got final exams coming up soon.

Ron: I'm ready! Ask me any question.

Hermione: All right, what are the three most crucial ingredients in a Forgetfulness Potion?

Ron: I forgot.

Hermione: And what, may I ask, do you plan to do if this comes up in the final exam?

Ron: Copy off you?

Hermione: No, you won't! Besides, according to Professor McGonagall, we're to be given special quills bewitched with an anti-cheating spell.

George Weasley: [while sitting at the Gryffindor table, eating Christmas dinner] How do you like yours, Ron?

[Ron, however, keep glancing over at Harry, who is sitting far away from everyone else, staring into the fire, remembering the image of his parents from the Mirror of Erised]

George Weasley: Ron?

Ron: I'll be right back.

[puts his utensils down and goes to Harry]

Ron: Wanna play chess?

Harry: No.

Ron: Wanna go and visit Hagrid?

Harry: No.

Ron: I know what you're thinking Harry, but don't. There's something not right about that mirror.

[Harry merely nods in acknowledgement as Ron rejoins the other Gryffindors]

Dimpled Woman on Train: Anything from the trolly, dears?

Ron: [Holding up his sandwiches] No thanks, i'm all set.

Harry: [Taking some coins out of his pocket] We'll take the lot!

Ron: Whoa!

Hermione: I'm Hermione Granger and you're Harry Potter!

[to Ron]

Hermione: And you are?

Ron: [with his mouth full] Ron Weasley.

Hermione: [frowning] Pleasure.

Hermione: Ron, you don't suppose this is going to be like... *real* wizard's chess, do you?

Ron: [looks around] You there, D5!

[one of the giant black pawns crosses the board, the white pawn smashes it with a violent blow]

Ron: [swallows] Yes, Hermione, I think this is gonna be *exactly* like wizard's chess.

[stepping over Neville lying on the floor, whom Hermione has petrified using the "Petrificus Totalus Curse"]

Harry: Sorry.

Hermione: Sorry.

Ron: It's for your own good, you know.

Ron: [looking for information about Nicholas Flamell] We've looked a hundred times.

Hermione: [leaning closer] Not in the restricted section. Happy Christmas.

Ron: Wingardium leviosar!

Hermione: Stop, stop, stop! You're going to take someone's eye out. Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's LeviOsa, not LeviosAR!

Ron: Mental that one, I'm telling you.

[after seeing Ron's queen destroy Harry's knight]

Hermione: That's totally barbaric!

Ron: That's wizard's chess.

Ron: Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid, fat rat yellow!

Hagrid: Who told you about Fluffy?

Ron: Fluffy?

Hermione: That thing has a name?

Ron: Happy Christmas, Harry.

Ron: I look good!

Hermione: [walks into the girls bathroom and sees a troll, which attacks her with a club as soon as Harry and Ron rush in]

Harry: HERMIONE, MOVE!

[he and Ron throw pieces of broken wood at the giant troll, which doesn't notice and grabs Hermione]

Ron: Hey, pea brain!

[throws a giant peace of wood at the troll, which drops Hermione, but attacks her with the club]

Hermione: Help!

[Harry jumps onto the troll's club and then onto its head, which makes the troll jerk around its head]

Harry: [puts his wand into the troll's nose, while the troll grabs Harry and holds him upside down] Do something!

[the troll tries to hit Harry with the club]

Ron: What?

Harry: Anything!

[Ron pulls out his wand]

Harry: Hurry up!

Hermione: [to Ron] Swish and flick!

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

[the troll's club comes out of its hand and drops on his head, which knocks it out and leaves a pile of dust]

Hermione: Is it... dead?

Harry: I don't think so, just knocked out.

Harry: [Harry, Ron, and Hermione sneak down the stairs, and Harry sees Trevor the toad] Trevor.

Ron: [Trevor croaks] Trevor! Go! You shouldn't be here!

Neville Longbottom: [appears] Neither should you. You're sneaking out again, aren't you!

Harry: Now, Neville, listen, we were...

Neville Longbottom: No! I won't let you! You'll get Gryffindor into trouble again! Uh, I-I'll fight you!

Hermione: Neville, I'm really, really sorry about this, but Petrificus Totalus!

[takes wand out and uses the Full Body-Bind Curse on Neville, who freezes and falls on the floor]

Ron: [gulps] You're a little scary sometimes, you know that. Brilliant, but scary.

Harry: Let's go.

Harry: [to Neville] Sorry.

Hermione: [to Neville] Sorry.

Ron: [to Neville] It's for your own good, you know.

Ron: Do you really have that... scar?

Ron: There's no one like Krum! He's like a bird the way he rides the wind! He's more than an athlete! He's an artist.

Ginny: I think you're in love, Ron.

Ron: Shut up!

George: [grabs one of Ron's hands and begins singing] Victor, I love you!

Fred: [grabs Ron's other hand] Victor, I do!

George, Fred, Harry: When we're apart my heart beats only for you!

Hermione: Victor's gone to get drinks. Would you care to join us?

Ron: No, we would not care to join you and *Victor*.

Hermione: What's got your wand in a knot?

Ron: He's from Durmstrang! You're fraternizing with the enemy!

Hermione: The enemy? Who was it wanting his autograph? Besides the whole point of the tournament is international magical cooperation. To make friends!

Ron: I think he's got a bit more than friendship on his mind. He's using you.

Hermione: How dare you! Besides, I can take care of myself!

Ron: Doubt it. He's way too old.

Hermione: What? That's what you think?

Ron: Yeah, that's what I think.

Hermione: You know the solution, then, don't you?

Ron: Go on.

Hermione: Next time there's a ball pluck up the courage to ask me before someone else does! And not as a last resort!

Ron: Well... that... that's completely off the point...

Ron: [to Arthur Weasly] How far up are we, dad?

Lucius Malfoy: [from below] Well, put it this way. If it rains, you'll be the first to know.

Harry: Why do they have to travel in packs? And how are you supposed to get one on their own to ask them?

[Stops in front of a group of girls, hesitates, then continues walking]

Ron: Blimey, Harry. You've slayed dragons. If you can't get a date, who can?

Harry: I think I'd take the dragon now.

Ron: [discussing inviting dates to the Yule Ball] This is mad! At this rate, we'll be the only ones in our year without dates! Well, us and Neville.

Harry: [laughing] Yeah, but then again he could take himself.

Hermione: It might interest you to know that Neville's already got someone.

Ron: What? Now I'm really depressed. Oi, Hermione... you're a girl.

Hermione: [haughtily] Very well spotted.

Ron: Come with one of us! It's one thing for a bloke to show up alone, but for a girl it's just sad.

Hermione: [angrily] I won't be going alone, because believe it or not, someone's asked me! And I said yes!

[exits]

Ron: Bloody hell. She's lying, right?

Harry: If you say so.

Ron: Do you think we'll ever just have a quiet year at Hogwarts?

Hermione, Harry: No.

Ron: Yeah, didn't think so. Oh well, what's life without a few dragons?

Hermione: Everything's going to change now, isn't it?

Harry: Yes.

Hermione: Promise you'll write this summer, both of you.

Ron: Oh, I won't. You know I won't.

Hermione: Harry will, won't you?

Harry: Yeah, every week.

Ginny: [helping a speechless and queasy looking Ron into the common room] It's ok, Ron. It's alright. It doesn't matter.

Harry: What happened to you?

Ginny: He just asked Fleur Delacour out.

Hermione: What?

Harry: What did she say?

Hermione: No, of course.

[Ron shakes his head in pained embarrassment]

Hermione: She said yes?

Ron: Don't be silly. There she was, just walking by... you know how I like it when they walk... I couldn't help it... it just sort of slipped out!

Ginny: Actually, he sort of screamed at her. It was a bit frightening.

Harry: What did you do then?

Ron: What else? I ran for it!

Ron: Oh look, Mum's sent me something.

[pulls some frilly robes from the package]

Ron: Mum sent me a dress!

Harry: Well, it does match your eyes. Is there a bonnet?

[pulls out more lace]

Harry: Ah ha!

Ron: Nose down, Harry. Ginny, this must be for you.

Ginny: I'm not wearing that, it's ghastly.

Hermione: [laughing] They're not for Ginny, they're for you. Dress robes.

Ron: Dress robes? For what?

[after Harry almost dies in the First Task]

Ron: I reckon you'd have to be barking mad to put your own name in the Goblet of Fire.

Harry: [coldly] Caught on, have you? Took you long enough.

Ron: I wasn't the only one who thought you'd done it. Everyone was saying it behind your back.

Harry: [sarcastically] Brilliant. That makes me feel loads better.

Ron: At least I warned you about the dragons.

Harry: Hagrid warned me about the dragons.

Ron: No, I did! Don't you remember? I told Hermione to tell you that Seamus told me that Parvati told Dean that Hagrid was looking for you! Seamus never actually told me anything, so it was really me all along. I thought we'd be alright, you know, after you figured that out.

Harry: Who... who could possibly figure that out? It's completely mental.

Ron: Yeah... it is, isn't it. I suppose I was a bit distraught.

Harry: [smiles weakly]

Hermione: [in disbelief] Boys!

Ron: [about Hermione] Why do you think she won't tell us who she's going to the ball with?

Harry: 'Cause she knows we'd take the mickey out of her if she did.

[after getting his kiss from Fleur]

Ron: Merci...

[referring to Professor Moody]

Ron: Brilliant, isn't he? Completely demented, of course. Terrifying to be in the same room with him. But he's really been there, you know? He's looked evil in the eye!

Hermione: [darkly] There's a reason those curses are unforgivable.

[about Krum]

Ron: Ruddy pumpkin head, isn't he?

Professor McGonagall: Now, Mr. Weasley, place your right hand on my waist.

Ron: Where?

Padma Patil: Is that Hermione Granger with Viktor Krum?

Ron: No. Absolutely not.

Harry: Ron, where are we actually going?

Ron: Don't know...

[to Arthur]

Ron: Hey, Dad! Where are we going?

Arthur Weasley: Haven't the foggiest! Keep up!

Ron: What are those?

Harry: My dress robes...

Ron: Well, those're all right! No lace, no dodgy little collar...

Harry: Well, I expect yours are more traditional...

Ron: Traditional? They're ancient! I look like my great aunt Tessie!

[takes a sniff in the underarm area]

Ron: I smell like my great Aunt Tessie!

[repeated line]

Ron: Bloody hell!

Ron: What do you suppose is on Karkaroff's arm?

Harry: I dunno.

Hermione: Boomslang skin and Lacewing flies... you're sure those are the two ingredients Snape mentioned?

Harry: Positive, why?

Hermione: Well, he thinks we're brewing Polyjuice Potion doesn't he?

Harry: I don't care what Snape thinks, I've got bigger problems than detention. Something's coming closer.

[touches his stinging scar]

Harry: I can feel it.

Arthur Weasley: [after the trio is nearly hit by several Stunning Spells] Stop! That's my son!

[he runs up to the kids]

Arthur Weasley: Ron, Harry, Hermione are you alright?

Ron: We came back for Harry.

Barty Crouch: [Whipping out his wand and pointing it threateningly between the three kids] Which of you conjured it?

Arthur Weasley: Barty, you can't be serious...

Barty Crouch: DO NOT LIE! You have been discovered at the scene of the crime!

Harry: Crime?

Arthur Weasley: Barty, they're just kids.

Harry: What crime?

Hermione: It's the Dark Mark, Harry. It's HIS Mark.

Harry: [glances up at the huge skull and snake in the air] Voldemort? Those people, in the masks, they're his too aren't they? His followers.

Arthur Weasley: Death Eaters.

Barty Crouch: [to the rest of the Ministry Wizards] Follow me.

Harry: Uh, there was a man, earlier.

[he points in the direction where he saw Crouch, Jr]

Harry: There.

Barty Crouch: All of you, this way!

Arthur Weasley: A man, Harry? Who was he?

Harry: I don't know. I didn't see his face.

Professor McGonagall: Inside every girl is a swan, waiting to burst out in flight.

Ron: [whispering] Something is about to burst out of Eloise Midgen, but I don't think it's a swan.

[the Trio sits around the fireplace in the Gryffindor Common Room, digesting the murder of Barty Crouch, Sr. that has just taken place]

Ron: They'll cover this up, you watch. Fudge'll sell his soul before this gets out in the Daily Prophet.

Harry: But why?

Ron: Look, nobody liked Crouch. I know this from my father. Loads of people wanted him dead. But, he was a Ministry Official. It's not even like he turned up stiff in Knockturn Alley. He was murdered at Hogwarts. This is a big deal.

Hermione: It can't be coincidence... Harry's dreams, his scar hurting, the Dark Mark, his name coming out of the Goblet of Fire. Surviving the Tournament isn't the answer anymore Harry. It's bigger than this. And I really think you should go to Dumbledore.

Ron: Yeah.

Professor Moody: So, what curse shall we see first? Weasley!

Ron: [scared] Yes?

Professor Moody: Stand!

[Ron does]

Professor Moody: Give us a curse.

Ron: Well... my dad did tell me about one. The Imperius Curse?

Professor Moody: Oh, yeah, your dad would know all about that one. Gave the Ministry a lot of trouble at one time. Perhaps this will show you why.

[opens a jar full of spiders and picks one out]

Professor Moody: Hello, my little beauty! Engorgio.

[the spider grows to a huge size]

Professor Moody: Imperio!

[the spider begins hopping around the room, onto student's clothes, faces, etc. Everyone starts laughing]

Professor Moody: Don't worry, she's completely harmless! If she bites... she's lethal!

[laughs with everyone]

Professor Moody: Talented, isn't she? What shall I have her do next? Jump out the window?

[the spider jumps toward the window, which is closed, and slams into the glass. Everyone stops laughing at once]

Professor Moody: Drown herself?

[the spider jumps to a pail of water and poises on the rim, ready to dive. Then he brings her back to his arms]

Professor Moody: Scores of wizards and witches claimed that they only did You-Know-Who's bidding under the effects of the Imperius Curse. But here's the rub... how do we sort out the liars?

Hagrid: I remember when I first met you all. Biggest bunch of misfits I ever set eyes on! You reminded me of myself a little. And here we all are, four years later.

Ron: We're still a bunch of misfits.

Hagrid: Well maybe. But you've all got each other. And Harry of course, soon to be THE YOUNGEST TRI-WIZARD CHAMPION THERE'S EVER BEEN! HOORAY!

Harry: You're being stupid.

Ron: Yeah, that's me. Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's stupid friend!

Ron: Piss off.

Harry: You're a right foul git, you know that?

Ron: You think so?

Harry: I know so!

Ron: Anything else?

Harry: Yeah, stay away from me!

Ron: Fine.

[referring to the mayhem at the World Cup and the Dark Mark]

Hermione: This is horrible! How can the ministry not know who conjured it? Wasn't there any security?

Ron: Loads, according to Dad. That's what worries them so much. It happened right under their noses.

Professor McGonagall: [from trailer] Mr. Weasley, place your right hand on my waist.

Ron: What?

Ron: [from trailer] That's Alastor Moody!

Ron: [sitting bolt upright in bed] Spiders... the spiders... they want me to tap-dance. And I don't want to tap-dance!

Harry: You tell those spiders, Ron.

Ron: Yeah, tell them... I'll tell them...

[falls straight back asleep]

Malfoy: Ah, come to see the show?

Hermione: [shouts] You! You foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach!

[Hermione raises her wand at Malfoy. He backs against the wall, whimpering]

Ron: Hermione, no! He's not worth it.

[Hermione lowers her wand and turns away. Malfoy starts laughing, she spins around and socks him in the nose]

Vincent Crabbe: Malfoy! Are you okay? Come on, let's go!

Malfoy: [running away] Quick! Not a word to anyone! Understood?

Hermione: That felt good.

Ron: Not good, brilliant!

Ron: [when Harry and Hermione reappear] How did you get there? I... I was talking to you there! And now you're there!

Hermione: What's he talking about Harry?

Harry: I dunno. Honestly Ron, how can people be in two places at once?

Sirius Black: Sorry about the bite, I reckon that twinges a bit.

Ron: A bit? A bit? You almost tore my leg off!

Sirius Black: I *was* going for the rat. Normally, I have a very sweet disposition as a dog. In fact, more than once, James suggested that I make the change permanent. The tail I could live with. But the fleas? They're murder.

Ron: [looking at Lupin who has just turned into a werewolf] Nice doggie... nice doggie...

Hermione: It's meant to be the most haunted building in Britain. Did I mention that?

Ron: Twice.

Hermione: Oh. Do you want to move a bit closer?

Ron: Huh?

Hermione: To the Shrieking Shack.

Ron: Oh, no. I'm fine here.

Ron: She's gone mental, Hermione has. I mean, not that she wasn't always mental, but now it's out in the open for everyone to see!

Ron: I didn't mean to open it.

[pause]

Ron: It was badly wrapped.

[pause]

Ron: [points at Fred and George] They made me do it!

George Weasley, Fred Weasley: Did not!

Ron: Who do you think that is?

Hermione: Professor R. J. Lupin.

Ron: Do you know everything?

[to Harry]

Ron: How is it she knows everything?

Hermione: [annoyed] It's on his suitcase, Ronald.

Ron: Oh.

Hermione: Headmaster, you've got to stop them! They've got the wrong man!

Harry: It's true, sir! Sirius is innocent!

Ron: It's Scabbers who did it.

Dumbledore: Scabbers?

Ron: He's my rat, sir. Well he's not really a rat. Well, he was a rat, he was my brother Percy's rat, but then they gave him an owl, and I got...

Hermione: The *point* is, we know the truth. Please believe us.

[repeated line]

Ron: Bloody hell!

Hermione: [after Hagrid gives Ron Scabbers back] I think you owe someone an apology.

Ron: Right. Next time I see Crookshanks, I'll let him know.

Hermione: [annoyed] I meant me!

Professor Trelawney: Your aura is pulsing! Are you in the beyond? I think you are!

Ron: Sure...

Professor Trelawney: Look at the cup, tell me what you see!

Ron: Oh yeah... well, Harry's got a sort of wonky cross... that's trials and suffering. And, uh, that there could be the sun, and that's happiness, so... you're gonna suffer... but you're gonna be happy about it...

Harry: Egypt, huh? What's it like?

Ron: Brilliant! Loads of cool stuff. Mummies, tombs. Even Scabbers enjoyed himself.

Hermione: You know, the Egyptians used to worship cats.

Ron: Yeah, along with the dung beetle.

Professor Snape: That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger. Tell me, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?

Ron: He's got a point, you know.

Ron: [Hermione is walking towards the werewolf Lupin] Hermione... bad idea... bad idea...

Hermione: Ow! That looks really painful.

Ron: So painful. They... they might chop it.

Hermione: I'm sure Madame Pomfrey can fix it in a heartbeat.

Ron: It's too late. It's ruined. It'll have to chopped off.

Ron: I'm warning you Hermione! Keep that bloody beast of yours away from Scabbers or I'll turn it into a tea cozy!

Hermione: It's a cat, Ronald! What do you expect? It's in his nature.

Ron: A cat? Is that what they told you? It looks more like a pig with hair if you ask me.

Hermione: That's rich, coming from the owner of that smelly old shoe brush. It's alright, Crookshanks. Just ignore the mean little boy.

Harry: What's the holdup?

Ron: Probably Neville's forgotten the password again.

Neville Longbottom: [behind them] Hey!

Ron: Oh... You're there...

Dumbledore: Mysterious thing, time. Powerful, and when meddled with, dangerous. Sirius Black is in the topmost cell of the dark tower. You know the laws, Miss Granger. You must not be seen, and you would do well, I feel, to return before this last chime. If not, the consequences are too ghastly to discuss. If you succeed tonight, more than one innocent life may be spared. Three turns, should do it, I think.

[He starts to exit, turns back]

Dumbledore: Oh, by the way. When in doubt, I find retracing my steps to be a wise place to begin. Good luck.

[He exits]

Ron: What the bloody hell was that all about?

[repeated line]

Ron: Hermione, when did you get here?

[Hermione looks at Ron's broken leg, and they flirt by mimicking Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson]

Hermione: Ow! That looks really painful.

Ron: It's sorta painful. They uh, they might... chop it.

Hermione: I'm sure Madame Pomfrey will fix it in a heartbeat.

Ron: It's too late, it's ruined. It'll have to be chopped off.

Harry: I didn't mean to blow her up, I just... lost control.

Ron: Brilliant!

Hermione: Honestly Ron, it's not funny! Harry was lucky not to be expelled.

Harry: I think I was lucky not to have been arrested actually.

Ron: I still think it's brilliant.

Hermione: [to Harry] Look who it is... Madame Rosmerta. Ron fancies her!

Ron: That's not true!

Hermione: Harry, Harry!

Shrunken head 1: I say! No underage wizards allowed in today.

[shouts]

Shrunken head 1: Shut the damn door!

Hermione: So rude!

Ron: Thick-heads.

Shrunken head 2: Thick-heads... how dare they. Who are they calling Thick-heads? Young whippersnappers!

[about the newspaper clipping Ron was showing Harry and Hermione]

George Weasley: Not flashing that clipping again, are you, Ron?

Ron: I haven't shown anyone!

Fred Weasley: No, not a soul! Unless you count Tom.

George Weasley: The day maid.

Fred Weasley: The night maid.

George Weasley: The cook.

Fred Weasley: That bloke who came to fix the toilet.

George Weasley: And that wizard from Belgium!

Ron: Harry, what did you just do?

Hermione: You attacked a teacher!

Ginny Weasley: The Fat lady... she's gone!

Ron: Serves her right. She was a terrible singer...

Hermione: That's not funny, Ron!

Ron: Let me get this strait. Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban to come after you?

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: But they'll catch Black, won't they? I mean, everyone's looking for him.

Ron: Sure. Except no one's ever broken out of Azkaban before, and he's a murderous raving lunatic.

Harry: Thanks, Ron.

Hermione: Beautiful day.

Ron: Gorgeous. Unless of course you've been ripped to pieces.

Harry: Ripped to pieces? What are you talking about?

Hermione: Ronald has lost his rat.

Ron: I haven't lost anything! Your cat killed him!

Hermione: Rubbish!

Ron: Harry, you've seen the way that blood thirsty beast of hers is always lurking about. And now Scabbers is gone!

Hermione: Well maybe you should learn to take better care of your pets!

Ron: Your cat killed him!

Hermione: Did not!

Ron: Did.

Hermione: Didn't.

Harry: What happened to me?

Ron: Well, you sort of went rigid. We thought maybe you were having a fit or something.

Harry: And did either of you two, you know, pass out?

Ron: No... I felt weird though, like I'd never be cheerful again.

Harry: But someone was screaming... a woman...

Hermione: No one was screaming, Harry.

[about Malfoy]

Ron: Listen to the idiot! He's really laying it on thick, isn't he?

Harry: At least Hagrid didn't get fired.

Hermione: Yeah, but I hear Draco's father's furious. We haven't heard the end of this.

[the train has stopped]

Ron: There's something moving out there.

Ron: Neville, you're supposed to stroke it!

Ron: [as Harry lays unconcious] Looks a bit peaky, doesn't he?

Fred Weasley: Peaky? What'd you expect him to look like? He fell fifty feet.

George Weasley: Yeah, c'mon, Ron. We'll walk you off the Astronomy Tower and see how you come out looking.

Harry: Probably a right sight better than he normally does.

[he opens his eyes to see everyone is with him]

Hermione: Harry! How are you feeling?

Harry: [he slips on his glasses] Brilliant.

Fred Weasley: Gave us a right good scare, mate.

Harry: What happened?

Ron: You fell off your broom.

Harry: Really? I meant the match. Who won?

[silence, no one is answering]

Hermione: No one blames you, Harry. The Dementors aren't meant to come on the grounds. Dumbledore was furious. After he saved you, he sent them straight off.

Ron: There's something else you should know, Harry. Your Nimbus - when it blew away? - it sort of landed in the Whomping Willow. And well...

[he hands Harry his broken broom stick]

Malfoy: Potter! Is it true you fainted? I mean, you actually fainted?

Ron: Shove off, Malfoy.

Harry: How did he find out?

Hermione: Just forget it.

Professor Lupin: [as Snape points his wand at Sirius's throat] Severus, don't be a fool...

Sirius Black: He can't help it, it's habit by now.

Professor Lupin: Sirius, be quiet.

Sirius Black: Be quiet yourself, Remus!

Professor Snape: Listen to you two, quarreling like an old married couple...

Sirius Black: [in a mocking voice] Why don't yo run along and play with your chemistry set?

[Snape pushes wand harder on Sirius's throat]

Professor Snape: I could do it, you know. But why deny the Dementors? They're so longing to see you... do I detect a flicker of fear? Ah, yes, the Dementor's Kiss. One can only imagine what that must be like to endure. It's said to be nearly unbearable to witness, but I'll do my best.

[Harry unnoticeably pulls Hermione's wand out of her pocket]

Sirius Black: Severus, please!

Professor Snape: After you.

[gestures Sirius toward door]

Harry: [to Snape] Expelliarmus!

[Snape flies backwards onto a bed, unconscious]

Ron: Harry! What did you just do?

Hermione: You attacked a teacher!

Harry: [to Lupin] Tell me about Peter Pettigrew!

Professor Lupin: He was at school with us! We thought he was our friend!

Harry: No, Pettigrew's dead!

[whirls around at Sirius]

Harry: You killed him!

Professor Lupin: [jumps in front of Sirius] No he didn't! I thought so, too until you mentioned seeing Pettigrew on the map!

Harry: The map was lying, then!

Sirius Black: That map never lies! Pettigrew's alive! And he's right there!

[points at Ron]

Ron: Me? He's mental!

Sirius Black: Not you! Your rat!

Ron: Scabbers has been in my family for...

Sirius Black: Twelve years! Curiously a long life for a rat! He's missing a toe, isn't he?

Ron: So what?

Harry: [about Ron's rat missing a toe and being Peter Pettigrew] All they could find left of Pettigrew was his...

Sirius Black: Finger! But then the coward cut it off so they would think he was dead! And then he transformed into a rat!

Harry: Show me.

[Sirius tries to take the rat from Ron, but Ron holds onto it]

Harry: Give into it, Ron.

Ron: What are you trying to do to him?

[Sirius finally gets a hold of the rat]

Ron: Scabbers! Leave him alone!

[tries to run toward Sirius, but Hermione holds him back]

Ron: Get off him! What are you doing?

[Sirius drops the rat, which runs while Sirius finally transforms it into Peter Petitgrew]

Peter Pettigrew: [realizes he's not a rat anymore] Remus, S-Sirius? My old friends!

[runs toward the door, but Lupin and Sirius block him]

Peter Pettigrew: Harry, l-look at you!

[walks toward Harry]

Peter Pettigrew: You look so much like your father! Like James, we were best friends!

Sirius Black: How dare you speak of him!

[Pettigrew scowls and runs away from Sirius]

Professor Lupin: You sold Lily and James to Voldemort, didn't you?

Peter Pettigrew: [to Sirius] What would you have done? What would you have done?

Sirius Black: I would have died!

[Pettigrew crawls under piano]

Sirius Black: I would have died rather than betray my friends!

Peter Pettigrew: [runs over to Harry, whispering to him] Harry, James wouldn't have wanted me killed! Your dad... your dad would have spared me! He would shown me mercy...!

[Lupin and Sirius yank him off Harry]

Sirius Black: You should have realized, Peter, that if Voldemort wouldn't kill you we would!

[he and Lupin pull out their wands and point them and Pettigrew]

Sirius Black: Together!

Harry: No!

Professor Lupin: Harry, could this man...

Harry: I know what he is, but we'll take him to the castle.

Peter Pettigrew: Bless you boy, bless you!

[kneels to Harry]

Harry: Get off me! I said we'll take you to the castle. After that, the dementors can have you.

Ron: [from trailer] There's something moving out there!

Professor Lupin: It was a dementor. One of the guards from Azkaban is searching the trade for Sirius Black.

Vincent Crabbe: [as Harry, Ron, and Hermione arrive] Look who's here.

Malfoy: Ah, come to see the show?

Hermione: You! You foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach!

Ron: [Hermione points wand at Malfoy, who staggers backwards into tree, wincing] Hermione, no! He's not worth it!

[Malfoy whimpers]

Vincent Crabbe: [Hermione lowers wand, while Malfoy laughs, making Hermione punch him in the face] Malfoy! Are you okay? Let's go!

[Malfoy, Goyle, and Crabbe run away]

Vincent Crabbe: Quick!

Malfoy: Run!

[he, Goyle, and Crabbe mutter various things while running away]

Hermione: That felt good.

Ron: Not good, brilliant!

[looks at Harry]

Harry: [in the Shrieking Shack with Hermione trying to find Ron] Ron!

[runs into room]

Hermione: Ron, you're okay!

Ron: Harry, it's a trap! And he's a dog, he's an Animagus!

[Harry and Hermione look at paw prints, which leads them to looking at Sirius Black]

Hermione: If you're going to kill Harry you'll have to kill us, too!

Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies"?

Gilderoy Lockhart: Hello. Who are you?

Ron: Um... Ron Weasley.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Really! And,uh, wh-who am I?

Ron: Lockhart's memory charm backfired! He hasn't got a clue who he is!

Gilderoy Lockhart: It's an odd sort of place, this, isn't it? Do you live here?

Ron: No.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Really?

[knocks Lockhart unconscious with a rock]

Dumbledore: You both realize, of course, that in the past few hours you have broken perhaps a dozen school rules.

Harry, Ron: Yes, sir.

Dumbledore: And that there is sufficient evidence to have you both expelled.

Harry, Ron: Yes, sir.

Dumbledore: Therefore, it is only fitting that you both receive...

[beams]

Dumbledore: Special Awards for Services to the School.

Ron: It's not much, but it's home.

Harry: I think it's brilliant.

Hermione: Look, Hagrid's our friend, why don't we just go and ask him about it?

Ron: That would be a cheerful visit. "Hello Hagrid! Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?"

[Hagrid has walked up behind them]

Hagrid: Mad and hairy? You wouldn't be talkin' about me, now would ya?

Hermione, Ron, Harry: No.

Ron: [in high voice] My wand. Look at my wand.

Harry: Be thankful it's not your neck.

Ron: If it kills by looking people in the eye, why is it no one's dead?

Harry: Because no one did look it in the eye. Not directly, at least. Colin saw it through his camera. Justin... Justin must've seen the basilisk through Nearly Headless Nick. Nick got the full blast of it, but he's a ghost; he couldn't die again. And Hermione... had the mirror! I bet you anything she was using it to look around corners in case it came along.

Ron: And Mrs. Norris? I'm pretty sure she didn't have a camera or a mirror, Harry.

Harry: The water. There was water on the floor that night. She only saw the basilisk's reflection.

Ron: Follow the spiders? Follow the spiders? If Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him! I mean, what was the point of sending us in there? What have we found out?

Harry: We know one thing. Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent.

[Snape blasts Lockhart off his feet in a practice duel]

Hermione: Do you think he's all right?

Ron: Who cares?

[deleted scene]

Fred Weasley: Look everyone, it's the heir of Slytherin!

George Weasley: Be careful! He's a seriously evil wizard.

Ron: Come on, Harry. Fred and George were just having a laugh.

Harry: They're the only ones.

Ron: Okay, so half the school thinks you're nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets every night. Who cares?

Harry: Maybe they're right.

Hermione: Harry! Harry? Oh, come on!

Harry: Look, I didn't know I could speak Parseltongue! What else don't I know about myself? Look. Maybe you can do something, even something horrible and not know you did it.

Hermione: You don't believe that, Harry. I know you don't. And if it makes you feel any better, Malfoy's staying for the holidays, too.

Ron: Why would that make anyone feel any better?

Hermione: Because, in a few days the Polyjuice Potion will be ready! In a few days, we may truly know who is the heir of Slytherin.

Ron: They were starving him, Mum! There were bars on his window!

Molly Weasley: Well, you'd best hope I don't put bars on your window, Ronald Weasley!

Hermione: Professor, I was wondering if you could tell us about the Chamber of Secrets.

Professor Minerva McGonagall: [seeing everyone's faces] Very well. Well, you all know, of course, that Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago, by the four greatest witches and wizards of the age. Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Now three of the founders co-existed quite harmoniously. One did not.

Ron: Three guesses who.

Professor Minerva McGonagall: Salazar Slytherin wished to be more selective about the students admitted to Hogwarts. He believed magical learning should be kept within all magic families. In other words, pure bloods. Unable to sway the others, he decided to leave the school. Now according to legend, Slytherin had built a hidden chamber in this castle, known as the Chamber of Secrets. Though shortly before departing, he sealed it until that time when his own true heir returned to the school. The heir alone would be able to open the chamber and unleash the horror within, and by so doing, purge the school of all those who, in Slytherin's view, were unworthy to study magic.

Hermione: Muggle-borns.

Professor Minerva McGonagall: Well naturally the school has been searched many times. No such chamber has been found.

Ron: Where's Hermione when you need her?

Harry: It's a snake skin.

Ron: Bloody hell. Whatever shed this must be 60 feet long, or more.

[Gilderoy Lockhart passes out]

Ron: [to Harry] Heart of a lion, this one.

Ron: Have you spoken to Hermione?

Harry: She should be out of hospital in a few days... when she stops coughing up fur balls.

Harry: You're Aragog, aren't you?

Aragog: Yes. Hagrid has never sent men into our hollow before.

Harry: He's in trouble. Up at the school there've been attacks. They think it's Hagrid. They think he opened the Chamber of Secrets, like before.

Aragog: That's a lie! Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets!

Harry: Then you're not the monster?

Aragog: No! The monster was born in the castle. I came to Hagrid from a distant land, in the pocket of a traveler.

Ron: [terrified] Harry.

Harry: Shush.

[to Aragog]

Harry: But, if you're not the monster, then-then what did kill that girl 50 years ago?

Aragog: We do not speak of it! It is an ancient creature we spiders fear above all others.

Harry: But have you seen it?

Aragog: I never saw any part of the castle but the box in which Hagrid kept me. The girl was discovered in a bathroom. When I was accused, Hagrid brought me here.

Ron: Harry!

Harry: What?

[Ron points at the spiders surrounding them]

Harry: Well... thank you. We'll just go.

Aragog: Go? I think not. My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid on my command, but I cannot deny them fresh meat when it wanders so willingly into our midst. Goodbye, friend of Hagrid.

Ron: Can we panic now?

Ron: [spellotaping his broken wand] Say it, I'm doomed.

Harry: You're doomed.

Hermione: Look at my face.

Ron: Look at your tail.

Harry: Remember what Aragog said about that girl 50 years ago? She died in a bathroom. What if she never left?

Ron: Moaning Myrtle!

[Harry and Ron are staring at each other after changing into Crabbe and Goyle]

Ron: [in own voice] Bloody Hell!

Harry: We still sound like ourselves. You need to sound more like Crabbe.

Ron: [in lower voice] Um... Bloody hell

Harry: Excellent.

Moaning Myrtle: Here I am, minding my own business, and someone thinks it's funny to throw a book at me.

Ron: But, it can't hurt if someone throws something at you. I mean, it would just go right through you.

Moaning Myrtle: [swooping down towards Ron] Sure! Let's all throw books at Myrtle, because she can't feel it! Ten points if you get it through her stomach!

[punches Ron in stomach]

Moaning Myrtle: Fifty points if it goes through her head!

[punches Ron in head]

Oliver Wood: I don't believe it! Where you think you're going, Flint?

Marcus Flint: Qudditch practice!

Oliver Wood: I booked the pitch for Gryffindor today.

Marcus Flint: Easy, Wood. I've got a note.

Ron: Uh-oh. I smell trouble.

Oliver Wood: "I, Professor Severus Snape do hereby give the Slytherin team permission to practice today, owing to the need to train their new Seeker." You've got a new seeker? Who?

[Malfoy steps out from behind the crowd]

Harry Potter: Malfoy?

Draco Malfoy: That's right. And that's not all that's new this year.

[shows everyone the new brooms]

Ron: Those are Nimbus Two-Thousand and Ones! How'd you get those?

Marcus Flint: A gift from Draco's father.

Draco Malfoy: You see, Weasley, unlike some, my father can afford the best.

Hermione Granger: At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in. They got in on pure talent.

Draco Malfoy: No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood!

Ron: You'll pay for that one Malfoy! Eat slugs!

[Ron 's jinx backfires, hitting him in his chest and knocking him several feet backwards. The Gryffindor team and Hermione run to his side]

Hermione Granger: You okay, Ron? Say something!

[Ron opens his mouth and coughs up a huge slug and Colin Creevey begins snapping away with his camera]

Colin Creevey: Wow! Can you turn him around Harry?

Harry Potter: No Colin! Get out of the way!

Hermione: He called me a mudblood.

Hagrid: He did not!

Harry: What's a mudblood?

Hermione: It means dirty blood. Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who's muggle born. Someone with non-magic parents. Someone like me. It's not a term one usually hears in civilized conversation.

Hagrid: See the thing is, Harry, there's some wizards, like the Malfoy family, who think they're better than everyone else because they're what people call "pure blood."

Harry: That's horrible!

Ron: [burps up another slug] It's disgusting.

Hagrid: And it's codswallop to boot. "Dirty blood." Why, there isn't a wizard alive today that's not half-blood or less. More to the point, they've yet to think of a spell that our Hermione can't do. Come 'ere. Don't you think on it, Hermione. Don't you think on it for one minute.

Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "Follow the butterflies"?

Ron: You're a parselmouth! Why didn't you tell us?

Harry: I'm a what?

Hermione: You can talk to snakes!

Harry: I know. I mean, I accidentally set a python on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once. Once. But so what? I bet loads of people here can do it.

Hermione: No, they can't! It's not a very common gift, Harry. This is bad.

Harry: What's bad? If I hadn't told that snake not to attack Justin...

Ron: Oh, that's what you said to it?

Harry: You were there! You heard me!

Ron: I head you speaking parseltongue. Snake language.

Harry: I spoke a different language? But I didn't realize... how can speak a language without knowing I can?

Hermione: I don't know, Harry, but it sounded like you were egging the snake on or something. Harry, listen to me. There's a reason the symbol of Slytherin house is a serpent. Salazar Slytherin was a parselmouth, he could talk to snakes too.

Ron: Exactly! Now the whole school is gonna think you're his great-great-great-grandson or something.

Harry: But I'm not! I can't be.

Hermione: He lived a thousand years ago. For all we know, you could be.

Ron: Do you think it's true? Do you think there really is a Chamber of Secrets?

Hermione: Yes. Couldn't you tell? McGonagall's worried. All the teachers are.

Harry: But if there really is a Chamber of Secrets, and it really has been opened, then that means...

Hermione: The heir of Slytherin has returned to Hogwarts. The question is; who is it?

Ron: [sarcastically] Let's think. Who do we know who thinks all muggle borns are scum?

Hermione: If you're talking about Malfoy...

Ron: Of course! You heard him. 'You'll be next mudbloods'.

Hermione: I heard him. But Malfoy, the heir of Slytherin?

Ron: Dad loves muggles. Thinks they're fascinating.

Hermione: It's a bit strange, isn't it?

Harry: Strange?

Hermione: You hear this voice, a voice only you can hear, and then Mrs. Norris turns up petrified? It's just... strange.

Harry: Do you think I should have told them? Dumbledore and the others, I mean.

Ron: Are you mad?

Hermione: No, Harry. Even in the wizarding world, hearing voices isn't a good sign.

Professor Snape: You were seen. By no less than seven Muggles! Do you have any idea how serious this is? You have risked the exposure of our world! Not to mention the damage you inflicted on a Whomping Willow that's been on these grounds since before you were born!

Ron: Honestly, Professor Snape, I think it did more damage to us.

Professor Snape: Silence! I assure you that were you in Slytherin and your fate rested with me, the both of you would be on the train home tonight!

Ron: Enlighten me. Why are we brewing this potion in broad daylight, in the middle of a girls lavatory? Don't you think we'll get caught?

Hermione: No. No one ever comes in here.

Ron: Why?

Hermione: Moaning Myrtle.

Harry: [a rogue Bludger starts chasing Harry during the Quidditch match]

Ron: [Getting his wand out] I'll stop it!

Hermione: No! Even with a proper wand, it's too dangerous - you might hit Harry!

[Ron gets his wand out to levitate the sleeping draught cupcakes when Harry holds his hand out]

Harry: Eh, Ron, perhaps I'd better do it?

[Ron looks at his wand]

Ron: [Resignedly] Yeah

[puts the wand away, as Harry gets his own wand out]

Ron: Eugh... essence of Crabbe...

[about Crabbe and Goyle]

Ron: Maybe we could trick them into telling.

Hermione: Even *they* aren't that thick.

[Crabbe and Goyle eat the floating Sleeping Draught cupcakes]

Ron: How thick could you get?

[Hermione explains to Ron and Harry how they can use Polyjuice potion to impersonate Slytherin students]

Ron: Brilliant! Malfoy will tell us anything!

[after Lockhart reveals his ineptness at fighting the Dark Arts]

Ron: Is there anything you CAN do?

Gilderoy Lockhart: Yes, now you mention it. I'm rather gifted with Memory Charms. Otherwise, you see, all those wizards would have gone blabbing. And I'd never have sold another book.

Ron: [from trailer] So it really is a chamber of secrets.

Hermione: Yes. McGonagall's worried, all the teachers are.

Ron: [from trailer] Harry?

[disguised as Vincent Crabbe]

Harry: [disguised as Gregory Goyle] Ron? Excellent.

Gilderoy Lockhart: [to class] I must ask you not to scream, it might REMOTE THEM!

[pulls cloth off of cage, which reveals pixies]

Seamus Finnigan: Cornish pixies?

Gilderoy Lockhart: [Draco Malfoy and Crabbe snigger] Freshly caught Cornish pixies.

[more people chuckle]

Gilderoy Lockhart: Laugh after you, Mr. Finnigan. The pixies can be devilishly tricky little things. See what you make of them.

[releases pixies, which attack students]

Gilderoy Lockhart: Round them up! Round them up! Round up the pixies

[pixies ruin Lockhart's books and two of them lift Neville by the ear and drop him on the light on the ceiling]

Neville Longbottom: Hey, get me down!

Hermione: Get off me!

Harry: No, stop, hold still!

[hits pixie with book]

Gilderoy Lockhart: Peskipiksi Pesternomi!

[pixie grabs Lockhart's wand and cuts off chain of dinosaur skeleton, which falls]

Gilderoy Lockhart: [to Harry, Ron, and Hermione] I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into your case.

[runs away]

Ron: What do we do now?

Hermione: [takes out wand] Immobulus!

[freezes pixies]

Ron: [about his family owl, Errol, who landed into a bowl of rice pudding, sending bits of pudding and chips all over the table] Bloody bird's a menace!

Ron: Can we panic now?

Hec: You can take him, but I'm staying here.

Hugh: Like hell. People want answers.

Ron: Yeah, answers.

Hec: Look, we got lost, I got injured, he's fine, it was basically a holiday.

Ricky Baker: Not a real holiday because he made me do stuff.

Hugh: Like what?

Ricky Baker: Just stuff. He had a sore leg so he made me do things for him. It was hard at first because my hands are so soft, but I got used to it. I didn't really wanna do it, but it was the only way to survive. It wasn't always hard, sometimes I got to do my own thing. He pretty much never joined in with me though. I asked if he wanted to play with me, but he would just make me play with myself.

Ron: I feel sick.

[Truman has disappeared and everyone is searching for him]

Ron: [into his radio] I don't give a damn, just find the son of a bitch!

Stu: People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40. I don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself.

Ron: She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?

Stu: Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. She's a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now.

Ron: What about their real father?

Stu: What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser.

Kirk: This is when you say Hi Molly.

Dylan: Who are you?

Kirk: She is Molly.

Ron: Why is she here?

Kirk: She came with me.

Dylan: Did you hit her car or something?

Kirk: Jesus... No but thank you for asking.

Dylan: Are you a social worker?

Molly: Nope

Dylan: Aw shit are we being evicted?

Dylan: Are you a hooker?

Debbie: Dylan!

Dylan: Or a prostitute I mean?

Ron: Come on in for a dip girl.

Molly: Oh no, I don't even have a bathing suit.

Dylan: You can wear your underwear. It's just like a bikini it covers all the good shit.

Ron: Yeah underwear is fine.

Marnie: RON!

Ron: It's like what they did in the old days.

Molly: Underwear would be fine if I were wearing any.

Ron: [about Hannah's stepdads] You know the old saying: it takes a village, and it's true, especially when it comes to your mom being a gutter slut and the village is a gangbang.

Ron: [sending Adam to meet a producer] Just so you know, I told him you love to swallow dick and can suck the chrome off a tail-pipe, so be prepared to do just that.

Ron: You're not gonna tell Nicki, are you?

Les: No, but you should.

Ron: I'm not going to.

Les: Damn I surprised! You always seem like a coward to me.

Ron: How you feel, that's what matters. Look at me. I don't look like a porn star, except for my cock. But I play the fool, and I get the joke. I'm in on it, and that makes it kind of hip. And I try to bring a different character into every role that I play. And that gives me confidence. But I can't suck my own dick any more.

Veronica: Awww, sweetie, I'm sorry.

Ron: With the added weight and the back pains, all I can do is kiss the tip.

[Both laugh]

Jim: Okay, Ron, take off your sweater.

Ron: [off camera] I'm not wearing a sweater.

Jim: Okay, and... action.

Ron: What about our weekend in the Catskills? I've already paid for the room!

Ruby: Well, then you can go there and you can jerk off. Cause that's what you are - a real f*ckin' jerk off!

Ron: F*ck you, you dago wop skank!

[last lines]

Ron: What did you see in that park?

Thomas: Nothing... Ron.

Ron: You know, Terry, a lot of people come to see me with all kinds of problems. Drugs, alcohol, marital problems, sexual problems, health problems

Terry: Great job you got.

Ron: Well... I like it. Because even in this little town, I feel like what I do is very connected with the real center of people's lives. I'm not saying I'm always Mr. Effective, but I don't feel like my life is off to the side of what's important. You know? I don't feel my happiness and comfort are based on closing my eyes to trouble within myself or trouble in other people. I don't feel like a negligible little scrap, floating around in some kind of empty void, with no sense of connectedness to anything around me except by virtue of whatever little philosophies I can scrape together on my own...

Terry: Well

Ron: Can I ask you, Terry: Do you think your life is important?

Terry: You mean - Like, me personally, my individual life?

Ron: Yeah.

Terry: Well... I'm not sure - What do you mean? It's important to me. I guess. And like, to my, you know, the people who care about me...

Ron: But do you think it's important?

Terry: I -

Ron: Do you think it's important in the scheme of things? Not just because it's yours, or because you're somebody's brother. Because I don't really get the impression that you do.

Terry: Well, I don't think... I don't particularly think anybody's life has any particular importance besides whatever - you know - whatever we arbitrarily give it. Which is fine. I mean we might as well... I think I'm as important as anybody else...

Terry: I don't know: A lot of what you're saying has a real appeal to me, Ron. A lot of the stuff they told us when we were kids... But I don't want to believe something or not believe it because I might feel bad. I want to believe it because I think it's true or not... I'd like to think that my life is important... Or that it's connected to something important...

Ron: Well, isn't there any way for you to believe that without calling it God, or religion, or whatever term it is you object to?

Terry: Yes. I believe that.

Sammy: I don't know what the church's official position is on fornication and adultery these days, and I felt really hypocritical not saying anything to you about it before, but... what *is* the official position these days?

Ron: Well... it's a sin.

Sammy: Good, I think it should be!

Ron: But we try not to focus on that aspect right off the bat.

Sammy: Why not? I think you should.

Ron: Well...

Sammy: Maybe it was better when they screamed at you from the box for having sex with your married boss, they told you what a terrible thing it was, they were really mean to you. Maybe it would be better if you just told me that I'm endangering my immortal soul and that if I don't stop, I'm gonna burn in hell. Don't you ever think that?

Ron: No, not really.

Ryan: That's great. You actually believe that?

Ron: I don't believe it I know it.

Ryan: You can't know something if it's a choice.

Ron: Where did you learn that college bullshit, from your philosophy professor?

Ryan: I'm just saying people don't need certain things even though they might think they do.

Ron: How the fuck would you know what people need? Who pays your tuition? Huh? Who pays your fucking rent?

Ryan: Mom and Dad.

Ron: You're a little fucking infant, in diapers, you fucking bitch! Why don't you come and talk to me when the naïveté wears off!

Ron: If you ask me it's a miracle you're alive.

Ron: [Finding the girls] Burnsie! Can we call them now!

Ron: The internet may be a threat to those in charge but it's also their greatest weapon. Every single thing you do on the internet is monitored: every e-mail you send, every website you visit, every picture you look at on your wife's Facebook - all of it. And George Orwell predicted that Big Brother would be watching us one day, but what he didn't predict is that we'd create Big Brother ourselves and then willingly give ourselves over to it.

Ron: Normally, friendships grow organically. And if they don't serve both parties, they just kind of dissipate.

Simon: Yeah, that'd be great.

Ron: What you're talking about is, you know, an asymmetric thing. A one-sided friendship? I mean, essentially you're being forced into a breakup.