Roland T. Flakfizer Quotes in Brain Donors (1992)

Roland T. Flakfizer: And that spells cash with a capital...

Jacques: K!

Roland T. Flakfizer: You should go back to school.

Jacques: I hated teaching.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Some day you'll have my children. In fact, they're in the car if you want them.

Rocco Melonchek: You're lying.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Of course I am, but hear me out!

Roland T. Flakfizer: Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you on a Carribbean cruise, where we can hold hands on a soft summer's evening and watch that old Jamaican moon. Why that old Jamaican will be mooning us, I have no idea.

Roland T. Flakfizer: So, do you enjoy being a cab driver?

Rocco Melonchek: Nah. As soon as I get my driver's license, I'm quitting.

[Wondering where Flakfizer has hidden his lover]

Lazlo: Ah! Your suite!

Roland T. Flakfizer: You're pretty terrific yourself.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Money's no object! It isn't mine!

Roland T. Flakfizer: I didn't know the meaning of the word "no," but he had it down pretty good.

Roland T. Flakfizer: If there's anything I can ever do for you... forget it, because I don't do those kinds of things.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Please, call me what everyone else calls me: "Your Royal Sex Machine."

Roland T. Flakfizer: Sorry, two's company, and three's an adult movie.

Tina: Was that the doorbell?

Roland T. Flakfizer: That wasn't you?

Lillian Oglethorpe: Then it's settled. I am so excited.

Roland T. Flakfizer: You're excited? Feel these nipples.

Roland T. Flakfizer: And she looks like she's about fifteen.

Lazlo: No, no, no.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Okay, fourteen then. In fact I know she's fourteen, because I was dating her a year ago.

Roland T. Flakfizer: I'm all out of American currency. Here, take a fistful of Romanian fifties.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Flakfizer doesn't know the MEANING of the word "No!" We're also a little fuzzy on "panaglutin" and "viscosity."

Roland T. Flakfizer: Behind every great man there is a woman, and thank heaven I have Lillian Oglethorpe because, quite frankly, I enjoy the shade.

[the amount on a taxi meter is rising quickly]

Roland T. Flakfizer: Aren't those numbers going by a little fast?

Rocco Melonchek: You're probably just a speed reader.

Rocco Melonchek: We'll have to perform a full rectum-ology.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Fondue, an epidemic! drop those pants... Not you, the patient.

Doctor: I thought you were cardiologists...

Rocco Melonchek: Uh, well, they're all connected, we enter the rectum and head north.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Why do you think we have such long instruments?

Roland T. Flakfizer: You're not going to try and cheat me or anything.

Rocco Melonchek: I give you my word a gentleman.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Well you had me until then.

Volare: Do you realize what I was doing at the age of seven?

Roland T. Flakfizer: I can imagine and you must be thankful you didn't go blind.

Volare: I was dancing professionally.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Whatever you call it. Flogging the carrot, polishing the cuestick, choking the chicken, clearing the snorkel...

Jacques: What about me?

Roland T. Flakfizer: To show you no fairness, Rocco and I will also split your salary 50/50.

Jacques: Thanks!

Roland T. Flakfizer: That should you keep you out of a high income bracket. Come to think of it, that you should keep you out of any income bracket.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Miss, these seats are dreadful. They're facing the stage.

Usherette: Five and six.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Eleven. Now it's your turn: twenty-five and sixty-seven.

Jacques: Society's to blame.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Too much violence in the movies.

Rocco Melonchek: It's my environment.

Jacques: We were carrying out orders!

Roland T. Flakfizer: It's the Japanese. They're buying up everything.

Rocco Melonchek: Did we leave anything out?

Lazlo: I will do whatever is best for the ballet!

Roland T. Flakfizer: Well, there's no reason to commit suicide.

Roland T. Flakfizer: You can be my chauffeur.

Rocco Melonchek: How much?

Roland T. Flakfizer: 200 bucks a week.

Rocco Melonchek: 600.

Roland T. Flakfizer: 300.

Jacques: 400.

Rocco Melonchek: 800.

Jacques: 900.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Shouldn't I be in this negotiation somewhere? 350 and not a penny more.

Rocco Melonchek: I'll take it.

Jacques: What happened to one thousand?

Rocco Melonchek: I allow for taxes. I want four weeks in advance.

Jacques: Five weeks.

Rocco Melonchek: Six weeks.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Hold it, hold it, I'm giving you one minute to stop all this!

Rocco Melonchek: Two minutes.

Jacques: Five minutes.

Rocco Melonchek: Seven minutes.

Jacques: Nine minutes.

Roland T. Flakfizer: I've stepped into my own private living hell...