Roland Quotes in A Knight's Tale (2001)

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Roland Quotes:

  • [Keeping beat for a dance lesson]

    Chaucer: And one and two and three and four and your hands should be light like a birdie on a branch. And one and two and three and four and Wat doesn't lead he follows like a girl.

    [Wat punches him. Scene changes, and Chaucer now has a tissue stuck up one nostril]

    Chaucer: And one and two and twirlie twirlie twirlie! And one and two and you're still getting it wrong! And one and two and three and four you can hit me all day cause you punch like a... what?

    Roland: A girl!

  • Wat: You have been weighed.

    Roland: You have been measured.

    Kate: And you have absolutely...

    Chaucer: Been found wanting.

    William: Welcome to New World. God save you, if it is right that He should do so.

  • Chaucer: Yes, behold my lord Ulrich, the rock, the hard place, like a wind from Guilderland he sweeps by blown far from his homeland in search of glory and honor, we walk... in the garden of his turbulence!

    [crowd is silent, cricket noise]

    Roland: Yeah.

    Crowd: Yeahhhhh!

  • Kate: It is romantic though.

    Roland: Are you a woman or a blacksmith?

    Kate: Sometimes I'm both.

  • RolandChaucerKateWat: [singing] He's blond, he's pissed, he'll see you in the lists, Lichtenstein! Lichtenstein! He's blond, he's tanned, he comes from Gelderland, he comes from Gelderland! Gelderland, Gelderland, Gelderland... Gelderland, Gelderland, Gelderland...

  • William: Leave, Roland. Let them have me.

    Roland: God love you, William. So do I.

  • Roland: God love you, William.

    William: I know, I know. 'Cause no one else will.

  • [Watching William practice jousting]

    Wat: I think he's getting worse.

    Roland: He is getting worse.

  • Roland: Well, that was different.

    Chaucer: Well, it's time we celebrate our differences.

    Roland: Just maybe not in public.

  • Wat: Say something about her breasts.

    Roland: Yeah, you miss her breasts.

    William: Her breasts.

    Chaucer: Ye... yes, you... you could, umm... umm... but I... I would tend to look above her breasts, William.

    William: Well I... I miss her throat.

    Chaucer: Uh, still higher really, toward the heavens.

    Kate: The moon at least, her breasts were not that impressive.

  • Wat: What do you mean, dead?

    Roland: The spark of his life is smothered in shite. His spirit is gone but his stench remains. Does that answer your question?

  • William: I can't explain it. She makes me feel like a poet.

    Roland: Well you may feel like a poet, but you sound like an idiot. You don't even know her name.

  • Roland: What are you doing?

    William: Losing.

    Roland: I don't understand!

    William: Neither do I.

  • [trying to convince the squires to bet that William will win, when they believe the French knight will win]

    French Squire: An Englishman will not win this French tournament. English legs are unsteady on French soil.

    French Squire: And because French wine is too much for English bellies.

    French Squire: And most importantly, because the Pope himself is French.

    Roland: [finally gives in] Well, the Pope may be French, but Jesus is bloody English! You're on!

  • Roland: Well, Master Nude, having failed the test, have you any more to say?

  • Chaucer: Geoffrey Chaucer's the name, writing's the game.

    [Turns away, turns back]

    Chaucer: Chaucer? Geoffrey Chaucer, the writer?

    Chaucer: A what?

    Chaucer: A wha- a what? A writer. You know, I write, with ink and parchment. For a penny, I'll scribble you anything you want. From summons, decrees, edicts, warrants, patents of nobility. I've even been know to jot down a poem or two, if the muse descends. You've probably read my book? the Book of the Duchess?

    [They look at each other, shake their heads]

    Chaucer: Fine. Well, it was allegorical.

    Roland: Well, we won't hold that against you, that's for every man to decide for himself.

  • William: This is a disaster.

    Roland: [staring at the tent material] Nah, I think it'll tunic up quite nicely.

  • William: I'll ride in his place.

    Roland: What's your name, William? I'm asking you William Thatcher, to answer me with your name? It's not Sir William. It's not Count, or Duke or Earl William. It's certainly not King William.

    William: I'm aware of that.

    Roland: You have to be of noble birth to compete!

    William: A detail. The landscape is food. Do you want to eat or don't you?

    Roland: If the nobles find out who you are there'll be the devil to pay.

    William: Then pray that they don't.

  • [last lines]

    RolandChaucerKate: Your round!

  • Roland: [to David] You think it could go on like this forever? Living like this with no consequences?

    [David tries to Jump and Cox stops him]

    Roland: There are always consequences!

  • Roland: You always go bad.

    David Rice: Maybe I'm different.

    Roland: You're not different.

    Griffin: I'm different, boo!

  • Roland: [about David's mother, who he realizes is a Paladin] When's the last time you saw her?

    William Rice: She split when the kid turned five.

    Roland: Five. Oh.

    William Rice: [opens door] Haven't heard a word since. If I hear anything, I'll be sure to give you a holler.

    Roland: [closes door] No, you won't.

    William Rice: No, I won't.

  • Roland: Only God should have this power.

  • Roland: [to David] What I'd like to know is how you rob a bank without opening any doors.

  • [last lines]

    Roland: Once the machines were done with us, they started digging again. We made a quick pass to look for survivors.

    Link: You found one.

    Roland: Only one.

  • Roland: This is asinine. If you want to kill yourself, go ahead, but do it without wasting one of our ships.

    Neo: You have to believe me. I have to go.

    Roland: Bullshit. I'm captain of this ship, *I'll* say where it has to go. And believe me, this ship will go to hell long before I let you take it anywhere!

    Niobe: He can have mine.

    Roland: Niobe! You can't do that!

    Niobe: Don't you even begin to tell me what I can and can't do with my ship after that little speech.

  • Lock: Three captains, one ship. I assume the other two were lost under equally pointless circumstances?

    Niobe: It's good to see you, too, Jason.

    Lock: The council awaits your report. You'll forgive me for not attending, but I need to find a way to salvage this debacle.

    Roland: Did I miss something here, Commander? I thought we just saved the dock.

    Lock: That's the problem with you people. You can't think more than five minutes in front of your faces. That EMP knocked out every piece of hardware, and every APU. If I were the machines, I'd send every sentinel I had over here right now. "Saved the dock" Captain?, you just handed it to them on a silver platter!

  • Roland: Slow down! This ain't the Logos!

    Niobe: Hold on to your lunch, Roland. Here we go.

    [Niobe does a flip with the Hammer]

    Roland: Holy Christ, I didn't know this ship could do that.

  • [as the Hammer speeds through the mechanical line]

    Morpheus: There's the exit.

    Niobe: On my mark, give me full power, ninety degrees to lower left starboard.

    Morpheus: Full power, ninety degrees...

    [the ship approaches the exit... ]

    Niobe: Now!

    [... and she pulls it through a tight turn]

    Niobe: Hold, on baby!

    [the ship crashes through the exit, grinding to a halt]

    Roland: God *damn*, woman, you can drive!

  • Roland: 'Bout time we had some goddamned good news...

  • Franklin Hatchett: What you got?

    Roland: Dodgers tickets, Lakers tickets and Phantom of the Opera tickets.

    Franklin Hatchett: Phantom of the Opera?

    Roland: Yeah it's theater, man, you ever been to the theater?

    Franklin Hatchett: Man what the hell wrong with you, nobody gonna give a damn about no Phantom of the Opera!

    Roland: Franklin, there's money in culture.

    Franklin Hatchett: Let me tell you something, Roland, black people don't wanna see that shit. Now I told you to get me some good shit like Luther Vandross tickets or something.

    Roland: Luther Vandross ain't culture.

    Franklin Hatchett: Fuck culture, give me some good shit, man, people are complaining about these fucked up tickets. You're making me look bad, man.

  • [King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]

    Roland: One.

    Dark Helmet: One.

    Colonel Sandurz: One.

    Roland: Two.

    Dark Helmet: Two.

    Colonel Sandurz: Two.

    Roland: Three.

    Dark Helmet: Three.

    Colonel Sandurz: Three.

    Roland: Four.

    Dark Helmet: Four.

    Colonel Sandurz: Four.

    Roland: Five.

    Dark Helmet: Five.

    Colonel Sandurz: Five.

    Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

  • Roland: What a rotten film. All we meet are crazy people.

  • Woman in Car: Are you in a film or in reality?

    Roland: In a film.

    Man in Car: In a film? You lie too much.

  • Corinne: Didn't you heard what he said? Marx says we're all brothers!

    Roland: Marx didn't said that. Some other communist said that. Jesus said that.

  • Corinne: It's rotten of us, isn't it? We've no right to burn even a philosopher.

    Roland: Can't you see they're only imaginary characters?

    Corinne: Why is she crying, then?

    Roland: No idea. Let's go.

    Corinne: We're little more than that ourselves.

  • Roland: Sure I love you. You're my splendid bitch, you know that.

  • Corinne: It wasn't like a women's magazine romance. I don't know... his eyes were so hard... his mouth, his words. He started in the Mercedes. I told him I went for him. I wanted more than a quick screw. We ought to meet again somewhere. Cuddling in cars is dreary. I said to take me home and I'd call him in the afternoon. I wanted to screw, but I'd rather wait.

    Roland: What did he say?

    Corinne: He talked about my body, and how I turned him on and how it was vulgar and unkind.

    Roland: Did you think of me, too?

    Corinne: Of course I did.

  • Corinne: I was tired and very cold. I realize now I wasn't drunk at all. I wanted him to screw me then - anywhere, even in the lift. But I didn't say anything. His shoulder touched one of my breasts when he shut the lift door.

    Roland: Why?

    Corinne: It just did.

  • Corinne: I went with Monique to her room. Not bad. There was a fire. I took off my raincoat. Monique looked at me. She asked why I seemed to be shivering, if I was cold I could undress. No need to feel embarrassed. Then she helped me.

    Roland: To do what?

    Corinne: Take off my skirt and pullover.

    Roland: I see.

    Corinne: I was in my bra and panties. I went to the fire. My back was to her, but I knew she was watching me. I asked why and she said nothing. She didn't reply, so I turned around. She was by the window, her back to me. She sensed my gaze. She took off her dressing gown. She was naked. She asked if I thought her bottom was too big. I said no. She turned around, parted her legs and asked me to describe them. I said she had white thighs and her bush was a black smudge above them. She called Paul. She came up behind me.

    Roland: Why?

    Corinne: To unhook my bra. Then Paul came in. Wearing pajamas, the coat open. He had a bottle of whiskey. He made me drink. Then he told Monique to go on.

    Roland: What was she doing?

    Corinne: Fondling my breasts.

  • Corinne: Paul stripped off too, and flaunted his penis for me. He told Monique to take off my panties. He made me kneel and put my head between Monique's legs. Now my back was turned to Paul. I remember she was describing my buttocks and he gazed at them all the time then came closer and fingered them. The rest of the bottle was poured over my back. I felt the liquid run between my buttock. Paul knelt down and began to lick my ass. It wasn't unpleasant. It was quite wonderful. I felt Monique's bush against my neck, her hair mingling with my hair. While her husband caressed my buttocks, she put my hands on her buttocks and she fondled my breasts again. I felt her buttocks open to receive my fingers, then close upon them.

    Roland: And you?

    Corinne: They wanted me to talk about it, so that my sensations excited them.

  • Corinne: Only Gitanes? No American cigarettes?

    Roland: In my jacket.

    Corinne: None left.

    Roland: Take a Gitane.

    Corinne: I can't bear them.

  • Corinne: After a while, Paul asked Monique to change places with me. She kissed my bush while I helped Paul screw her from behind.

    Roland: And that was all?

    Corinne: Then we watched each other masturbate. Then Paul cried: "To the kitchen, pussies!"

    Roland: What for?

    Corinne: I'm telling you. On the fridge there was a dish of milk for the cat. Monique said: "What will you bet me to sit in the dish?" "I bet you wouldn't dare, " said Paul. She climbed on the sink, level with the fridge, and sat in the dish. Never taking her eyes off us, she ordered us to masturbate.

    Roland: Is that all?

    Corinne: Paul told me to stop just as I was coming and to climb up on the sink, too, and kneel in front of Monique. Then he took an egg from the fridge. I licked Monique's pussy, in the milk and he put an egg between my buttocks. When I came the egg broke and ran down my legs.

    Roland: Is this true or a nightmare?

    Corinne: I don't know.

    Roland: I adore you, Corinne.

  • Roland: Toffee-nosed little bitch!

  • Roland: We're married. We screw legally.

  • Joesph Balsam: Anything you wish, if you'll take me to London.

    Roland: A big Mercedes sports car?

    Joesph Balsam: Yes.

    Corinne: An Yves St Laurent evening dress?

    Joesph Balsam: Yes.

    Roland: A Miami Beach hotel.

    Corinne: Make me a blonde, a natural blonde.

    Roland: A squadron of Mirage IVs, like the yids used to trash the wogs.

    Corinne: A weekend with James Bond.

    Joesph Balsam: Is that all you want? You creeps, I'll give you nothing.

  • Roland: We know nothing.

    Corinne: Yes. We're totally ignorant of ourselves.

    Roland: We're totally ignorant of what this worm is.

    Corinne: We're both enigmas.

    Roland: Anyone who denies it is the most ignorant of all. Anyone who denies it is the most ignorant of all.

  • Roland: A little torture will change her mind. I remember a few tricks from when I was a lieutenant in Algeria.

  • Corinne: Isn't that a truck coming?

    Roland: Quick, off with those trousers and lie down in the road! Raise your knees! Open them wide, you fool!

  • Roland: We'll find the way in the end.

  • Roland: Are you going Oinville way?

    Woman in Car: Would you rather be screwed by Mao or Johnson?

    Roland: Johnson, of course.

    Woman in Car: Drive on, Jean. He's a Fascist.

  • Roland: There's something I want to tell you. I know I haven't always been the best of fathers.

    Paul: Dad, you don't have to say...

    Roland: Shut up and me do the singing for once. The only real measure of a father's success is by how far his children end up surpassing him in life. And you, you can be very, very proud of yourself.

  • Cassandra: I'm not really a stripper...

    Roland: I'm not really a Christian.

  • Roland: [to Cassandra] I don't want to be the guy who's with the girl because he needs her, I want to be the guy who's with the girl because he wants her.

  • Cassandra: There's only one reason Christian girls comes down to the Planned Parenthood.

    Roland: She's planting a pipe bomb?

    Cassandra: Okay, two reasons.

  • Veronica: Roland is so blessed to have such a thoughtful sister. You know, in countries like China, Hilary Faye would probably have been killed at birth.

    Hilary Faye: And then where would you be, Roland?

    Roland: China.

  • Cassandra: [Roland rolls up to Cassandra, wearing a black shirt with white laces down the middle] What are you supposed to be?

    Roland: A roller skate.

  • Cassandra: So I figured they would have sent you to a special school by now.

    Roland: [smirks] This IS a special school.

  • [Mary is about to confess that Dean is gay]

    Mary: I need to tell you guys something.

    [Van suddenly haults]

    Hilary Faye: Eew.

    Veronica: Eew.

    Roland: WHAT? Wasn't like it was some kind of secret. The guy was like a one-man gay pride parade.

  • Cassandra: Are you playing footsies with me?

    Roland: Wheelies.

  • Roland: Are you okay?

    Hilary Faye: No, Roland... I crashed my van into Jesus! Okay? I have a pimple the size of Jupiter! I am NOT okay! This is not how I wanted to remember my Prom. This is not how I wanted to remember my life.

    Roland: Well maybe we can fix it... with some glue, or something

  • [during the school assembly, Cassandra stands up and begins yelling in Spanish]

    Tia: [thinking] Oh my god, the Jew girl's speaking in tongues!

    [Cassandra rips open her shirt]

    Roland: She's going to show her boobs! Thank you Jesus!

    Patrick: [thinking] She is, she's going to show her boobs!

    [looking horrified, Hilary Faye stands up at the podium]

    Hilary Faye: She's saying she has a hot pussy!

    [the word "pussy" is bleeped out by microphone feedback]

  • Mary: How was your summer, Roland?

    Roland: What?

    Mary: Your summer. How was it?

    Roland: Oh, it was great. I went roller-skating, water-skiing, learnt to kickbox. The usual.

    Hilary Faye: Roland, why do you always have to make everyone feel so awkward about your differently-abled-ness?

  • Roland: You have everything, Hillary Faye. What are you afraid of?

  • Hilary Faye: Roland, does Jesus still love me?

    Roland: Probably not.

    [pause]

    Roland: Yeah, why not.

  • Cassandra: We should get back inside.

    [walks away]

    Roland: [to himself] Nice!

    Cassandra: [turns around] Do you want a push?

    Roland: Thanks!

    Cassandra: [in his ear] If you stare at my ass again, I will push you off a cliff.

  • Roland: Man, why do you always do that? If you want the last piece, why did you ask me if I want the last piece?

    Slim: I didn't ask you. But the reason I asked Mike is the same reason you asked Lisa to marry you- it sounds nice, man.

  • Roland: Sara just got off a plane from London.

    Trudi: Oh, you must be exhausted.

    Sara: Yes, I'm shattered, but it's nothing that some sleep and a good fuck wouldn't cure, as my sister used to say. Ha ha ha.

    [Everyone stares]

    Roland: You'll have to forgive Sara.

    Sara: Oh, it was just... it was just a figure of speech. I've been on a plane for twelve hours next to a crying baby.

  • [as they walk to the restaurant, a loud clanging sound is heard]

    Harris: What's that clanging sound?

    Roland: It's a nuisance. It's my damn testicles.

  • Frank Swan: What do you do for a living, Rollie?

    Roland: I deal in English paintings.

    Frank Swan: Abstract or realistic?

    Roland: Depends on which way you look at them, I suppose.

  • Sara: Roland thinks L.A. is a place for the brain-dead. He says, if you turned off the sprinklers, it would turn into a desert. But I think - I don't know, it's not what I expected. It's a place where they've taken a desert and turned it into their dreams. I've seen a lot of L.A. and I think it's also a place of secrets: secret houses, secret lives, secret pleasures. And no one is looking to the outside for verification that what they're doing is all right. So what do you say, Roland?

    Roland: I still say it's a place for the brain-dead.

  • Roland: That's the difference between England and America. The English maintain civil relationships with their exes. Americans sue them.

  • Tommy: I mean honestly, who in this day and age leaves their house and doesn't lock their door?

    Mark: Maybe she's got Brinks or something.

    Juan: What's that? A mental disease?

    Roland: No man, it's a security system...

    Juan: Oh... my bad.

  • Mark: I'm serious though, it's like an Altoid for your...

    Roland: No,no man, i hear ya. I just don't believe it.

    Juan: Yeah, isn't that stuff meant for your feet?

    Mark: Yeah, for like... advertising purposes. Just pick up a small dark blue bottle and your good to go. But do yourself a favor and... avoid the tip.

  • Roland: What is that?

    Silvia Broome: Come on, Roland, it's my flutes and stuff. I have a lesson tonight. Don't make me drag it down just to drag it back up.

    Roland: I let you do this, I'm gonna get coats and hats and yogi mats...

  • Roland: I figured out your fisherman. He goes with the tide. You let it pull you out to sea or guide you back in. Sometimes you have to move with it. Sometimes, honey, that's all we can do.

  • Roland: You resist happiness.

    Vanessa: Don't quote some book and try to analyze my life.

    Roland: You don't resist happiness?

    Vanessa: Are you trying to illustrate your point by making me unhappy?

  • Roland: Honey, why are you doing this? Why are you trying to put that in my head? So you can be the victim? Being the wife of a failed writer is not good enough for pill-popping and self-pity? Now you need a better reason to destroy yourself?

  • Roland: I just want to get drunk for breakfast.

  • Roland: Is that what you want? To be unknown by someone?

  • Roland: There would not even the possibility of nuclear war, or any war, if millions of men had been prepared to stand up against authority, as I did, and refuse to join the army - refuse to take orders. It's mindless obedience that's the killer. I've broken the rules. All the rules. Because someone has to say no.

  • [first lines]

    Natalie: I think Rosa's a bad influence.

    Roland: Meaning what, exactly?

    Natalie: Anoushka worries about her. She says she's disturbed.

    Ginger: [interrupting] So would you be if you'd been told you were a failure when you were 11 years old!

  • Roland: What on earth is that crucifix doing round your neck?

    Ginger: Rosa and I went to church.

    Roland: Church?

    Ginger: Once, she wants me to.

    Roland: You do realized that God is an invention.

    Ginger: Sort of.

  • Roland: So, you're Indian?

    Safia: Do I look Indian?

    Roland: Well, the shop...

    Safia: Oh, yeah. Well, my father is Indian and my mother is from here. So I'm mixed up.

  • Roland: [Max and Roland are flying in the helicopter. Max still has his gun out.] You don't need that gun no more.

    Max: Shut the fuck up and fly the fucking plane, you stupid fuck!

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