Roger Dorn Quotes in Major League (1989)

Pedro Cerrano: Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.

Eddie Harris: You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.

Roger Dorn: Shit, Harris.

Pedro Cerrano: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.

Eddie Harris: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?

Jake Taylor: What I was concerned with was why you didn't come up with that grounder that Rockert hit in the 9th

Roger Dorn: It was out of my reach, what do you want me to do dive for it?

Jake Taylor: Rog, it could have meant the game!

Roger Dorn: oh come on cut the rah rah shit Taylor! Year after this I go free agent. Plus me and my agent got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I am not about to risk major injury or displace this property for a collection of stiffs!

Jake Taylor: Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. If you wanna be an interior decorator now that's none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don't know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I'm gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your fuckin throat!

Roger Dorn: [shouting] Don't fuck with me, Vaughn.

Rick Vaughn: Yeah?

[shouting]

Rick Vaughn: Fuck you.

Roger Dorn: What's the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can't you take a little joke?

Rick Vaughn: Real fucking funny, asshole.

Lou Brown: All right,

[shouting]

Lou Brown: All right. Knock that shit off.

Roger Dorn: Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I'm not about to take his shit.

Lou Brown: Shut up, Dorn.

Lou Brown: [at a team meeting] Can I have your attention, please?

[picks up a bat and leans on it like a walking stick]

Lou Brown: I have something I think you all ought to know about.It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel.

Roger Dorn: Even me?

Lou Brown: Even you, Dorn.

Eddie Harris: What if we DON'T finish last?

Lou Brown: She'll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you'll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.

Jake Taylor: [Jake stands up] Well then I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Roger Dorn: What's that?

Jake Taylor: Win the whole fucking thing.

[long pause]

Willie Mays Hayes: [Willie stands up] Yeah.

Pedro Cerrano: [Pedro pounds his hand] YES!

[everyone talks amongst themselves]

Roger Dorn: Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: "Strike this mother fucker out."

Roger Dorn: Lou! Can I have a word with you, here?

Lou Brown: Sure.

Roger Dorn: See, I've got it right here in my contract. It says, "I don't have to do any calisthenics that I don't feel are necessary." So what do you think about that?

Lou Brown: [drops the contract on the ground and urinates on it, then walks off]

[Dressed in tuxedos, every team member, except Willie, stands behind Home Plate and looks at us]

Everybody: Hello. Do you know us?

[Everybody, except Rick, puts on their caps]

Everybody: We're a Major League Baseball team.

Jake Taylor: But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town.

Eddie Harris: That's why we carry the American Express card.

Rick Vaughn: No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.

Pedro Cerrano: [pointing to us] So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.

Roger Dorn: Look what it's done for US. People still DON'T recognize us but...

[Roger snaps his fingers]

Lou Brown: We're contenders now.

[Also dressed in a tuxedo, Willie slides into home plate and holds up a green credit card]

Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express card: Don't steal home without it.

Eddie Harris: Hey, Lou. Aren't we gonna have a prayer?

[Dorn rolls his eyes and sighs]

Eddie Harris: I mean, uh, we're not all savages, like Cerrano over there.

Pedro Cerrano: Cállate, cabrón!

Lou Brown: You guys go ahead.

Eddie Harris: Oh, well, ok. Uh, let's, all bow our heads.

Roger Dorn: Excuse me I'll be in my office.

[Dorn folds his newspaper, rises from his chair and walks out, making a fanning gesture behind his backside]

Eddie Harris: Dear heavenly father, we humbly pray that you will guide...

[Cerrano ignites his ritual smoke with his cigar, which explodes with a loud bang]

Eddie Harris: Jesus Christ Cerrano!

Pedro Cerrano: Have to wake up bat!

Eddie Harris: Ok, shit. Can we try this again?

Roger Dorn: I only got one thing to say to you, Vaughn. Strike this motherfucker out!

Lou Brown: Oh, this old body could use a soak...

Roger Dorn: Yeah, but you won't like it too much,'cuase it ain't working again.

Lou Brown: Dammit, I thought that they were gonna replace this thing!

Eddie Harris: [Coming in] Hey! there's no hot water in here!

Lou Brown: I've had it with this nickel and dime stuff! I want that bitch on the phone!

Rachel Phelps: [Coming in] You wanna talk to the bitch?

Lou Brown: Yeah.

Rachel Phelps: Shouldn't you cover yourself up with a towel, Mr. Brown?

Lou Brown: We're out of towels. And I'm too old to go diving into lockers.

Rachel Phelps: I can take it if you can.

Lou Brown: What happened to the new whirlpool we were supposed to get?

Rachel Phelps: Our budget has forced us to cut back on equipment.

Rachel Phelps: [Knocks on Vaughn's athletic cup]

Rachel Phelps: ooh, cups still work though. Guess you're gonna have to fix the old whirlpool.

Lou Brown: We've fixed it six times already! Now there's no hot water in the shower!

Rachel Phelps: The pipes in this building are old and rusty.

Lou Brown: How am I supposed to take care of my players with no hot water and no therapy equipment?

Rachel Phelps: Your players have to get a little tougher. What are they a bunch of pansies?

[while holding a pair of leopard briefs]

Rachel Phelps: [the rest of the team makes an obscene gesture behind her back]

Lou Brown: Over 162 games and even tough guys get strains... Sore arms... Muscle pulls...

Rachel Phelps: It's only temporary. If I can get anybody to watch this team none of this would be necessary.

Rachel Phelps: [walking out]

Rachel Phelps: You're lucky I can still afford to pay your salary.

Lou Brown: C'mon Dorn, get in front of the damn ball. Don't give me this *ole* bullshit.

Roger Dorn: Hey, I took one in the eye last year, I'm not about to lose my sight.

Lou Brown: I'm deeply moved, every time you play one off your hips, you owe me 40 situps.

Roger Dorn: [In disbelief] What?

Roger Dorn: [TV edited version] Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: Strike this guy out!

Roger Dorn: As General Manager of this team, I demand to know when I'm getting a start.

Jake Taylor: There's an old timer's game coming soon.

Lou Brown: How can you sell my best player without asking me?

Roger Dorn: I'm on my ass, tapped out. I'm even going to be able to make next month's payroll.

Lou Brown: Geez.

Roger Dorn: But I didn't sell Parkman outright. I got you an outfielder. He used to play for the Giants.

Lou Brown: Franklin?

Roger Dorn: Not those Giants.

Jake Taylor: [after Rube get's hit by a pitch] Hayes, go run for Rube.

Willie Mays Hayes: My leg's hurtin'.

Roger Dorn: [stands up] I'll run.

Jake Taylor: [sits Dorn back down] Rube's hurting worse than you. Now get in there!

Willie Mays Hayes: [pointing to Vaughn] If the gutless wonder doesn't have to pitch than why should I have to run?

Rick Vaughn: [gets up] Who are you calling a gutless wonder, tin man?

Willie Mays Hayes: Tin man?

[gets up limping]

Willie Mays Hayes: I got a genuine leg injury here, pal.

Rick Vaughn: And that limp is the best acting you've done all year.

[turns around to leave]

Willie Mays Hayes: [turns Vaughn around] Well at least I don't have some cover girl dragging me around by my johnson.

[Vaughn tackles Hayes as he walks away, starting a brawl]

[first lines]

Harry Doyle: Hello everybody. Harry Doyle here, welcoming all you Wahoo maniacs to the year's first session of Tribe Talk. As you know, the Indians had a Cinderella season last year. Despite the fact that *toxic* owner Rachel Phelps wanted the team to lose so she could move it to Florida, the Indians won the American League East for the first time since divisional play began. Rachel's gone now, thank God, having sold the team to retired Indian third baseman Roger Dorn, after a long, hard fought series of negotiations.

[flashback to negotiations]

Roger Dorn: Mmmight be willing to go as high as a hundred.

Rachel Phelps: 120.

Roger Dorn: 120? Rachel, you just started at 110!

Rachel Phelps: 130!

Roger Dorn: Rachel, this isn't fair!

Rachel Phelps: 140!

Roger Dorn: [desperately begging] 130!

Rachel Phelps: 150!

Roger Dorn: [immediately gives in] We'll take it!

Rachel Phelps: Oooh, you're good Dorn.

Harry Doyle: [scene returns to radio show] Even with Dorn in the owner's box, the Indians are solid favorites to repeat in the East, and to go all the way to the World Series. And why not? Look at the lineup we have coming back. First of all, the Cuban Crusher, the voodoo man with a bad attitude, Pedro Cerrano. Even though his training methods were a little unusual, Pedro finished in the top five in homers, RBI's, slugging percentage and total baldness. Also back is centerfielder Willie May Hayes, who came out of nowhere to lead the league in great catches and stolen bases. We're told he starred in an action movie during the offseason, where he not only did his own stunts, but even his own acting. And don't forget about catcher and team leader Jake Taylor. Despite chronic knee problems he had a fine season, and beat out the bunt that drove in the run that won the division title. And finally one of the brightest young stars in the game today, Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn. Vaughn began the season in the uniform of the California Penal League and had some control problems early on. But with the help of a pair of black hornrims, he went on to set a Major League record for strikeouts in a season by an ex-carcy. All in all, things couldn't be looking better for the Tribe.

Jake Taylor: [Seeing Vaughn coming back into the dugout] Hey, didn't I tell you to go to the bullpen.

Rick Vaughn: We're down by 10 runs, Jake.

Jake Taylor: Well you can still get some work in.

Rick Vaughn: I've had enough of that maniac out there.

Jake Taylor: [after seeing Rube Baker get hit with a pitch] Hayes, go run for Rube.

Willie Mays Hayes: My legs hurtin'.

Roger Dorn: [Stands up] I'll run.

[Jake sits him down]

Jake Taylor: Rube's hurting worse than you. Now get in there.

Willie Mays Hayes: The Gutless Wonder doesn't have to pitch. Why should I have to run?

Rick Vaughn: Who you calling a Gutless Wonder, Tin Man?

Willie Mays Hayes: Tin Man? I got genuine leg injury here, pal.

Rick Vaughn: That limp is the best acting you've done all year.

Willie Mays Hayes: [Grabs Vaughn by the arm] Well at least I don't have some Cover Girl dragging me around by my Johnson.

Gus Cantrell: So, what's the deal with Carlos?

Roger Dorn: Well, Carlos is in a love fest, with Carlos.

Gus Cantrell: What about the rest of your team.

Roger Dorn: One guy wants to be traded to New York so he can get more press coverage. My center fielder is threatening to quit because he wants to become a male model. And my second baseman and shortstop aren't speaking to each other because one has a bigger shoe contract than the other and they haven't turned a double play in over a month.

Gus Cantrell: So out of your 25 guys, baseball is a primary concern for how many?

Roger Dorn: 14. Maybe.

Gus Cantrell: [seeing a newspaper article about the Buzz/Twins game] Are you out of your mind?

Roger Dorn: You know, you are the fifth person this morning to ask me that question.

Gus Cantrell: Did you know that Huff has "Born to Lie" tattooed on his forearm?

Roger Dorn: Is that the truth?

Roger Dorn: As far as I'm concerned, as deal's a deal. I know how long you've been waiting to get to the Majors, plus I know that it has been a lifelong dream.

Gus Cantrell: [Dorn presents Gus with a Twins hat] Wow, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm going to have to pass.

Roger Dorn: I'm talking about a job with the Twins here, Gus.

Gus Cantrell: I have a lot of information I feel I can pass on to young ballplayers. That's where I belong, and that's what I want to do.

Roger Dorn: You want to manage a minor league team?

Gus Cantrell: So I'm going to stick with the Buzz, if that's okay with you.

Roger Dorn: [speechless] Yeah it's okay, but...

Gus Cantrell: But thanks.

Airport P.A.: Your attention please. Flight 63 to Miami is boarding at Gate 28.

Maggie Reynolds: Oh that's us.

Roger Dorn: Wait, where are you guys going?

Maggie Reynolds: It's called a honeymoon.

Roger Dorn: That's great. Congratulations! Hey, I don't have any plans. You mind if I come along.

Maggie Reynolds: Yeah, we do.