Robin Hood Quotes in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Friar Tuck: By the power vested in me, of God's holy church, I say let any man who has reason why these two should not be joined, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

[silence]

Friar Tuck: Then, I now pronounce you...

King Richard: Hold, I speak!

[Everyone turns around to see knights coming]

Marian: Richard!

[Everyone, except Marian and a confused Azeem, bows]

King Richard: I will not allow this wedding to proceed...

Robin Hood: [gets up] My lord...

King Richard: ...unless I'm allowed to give the bride away! You look radiant, cousin.

Marian: Oh, Richard.

[they exchange kisses on the cheeks]

Robin Hood: I'm deeply honored, your majesty.

King Richard: It is I who is honored, Lord Locksley. Thanks to you, I still have a throne. Friar, proceed!

Friar Tuck: Husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Robin Hood: I know that.

[They kiss, and everyone cheers. The camera shifts to the Friar, who breaks the fourth wall and looks at the camera]

Friar Tuck: Now, get out of it! We're wasting good celebration time!

Sheriff of Nottingham: Locksley. I'll cut your heart out with a spoon.

Robin Hood: Then it begins.

Azeem: Was she worth it?

Robin Hood: Worth dying for.

Robin Hood: You're King Richard's cousin. You can give word to him of Nottingham's plans. He would believe you.

Marian: If the sheriff found out, I could lose all that I have.

Robin Hood: But will you do it for your king?

Marian: No. I'll do it for you.

[She kisses him and gets on the boat. They look at each other intensely as the boat leaves]

Duncan: He fancies you, my Lady. I may be blind, but there are some things I still see.

Marian: How is it, that a once-arrogant young nobleman has found contentment, living rough with the salt of the earth?

Robin Hood: I've seen knights in armor panic at the first hint of battle. And I've seen the lowliest, unarmed squire pull a spear from his own body, to defend a dying horse. Nobility is not a birthright. It's defined by one's actions.

[robbing a lady in a carriage]

Robin Hood: Milady, a woman of your beauty has no need for such... decorations.

[after escaping from the Turks' dungeon]

Azeem: Why did you cut me free, Christian?

Robin Hood: Whatever blood is in your veins, no man deserves to die in there.

Robin Hood: What do you know of women?

Azeem: Where I come from, Christian, there are women of such beauty, that they can possess a man's mind so that he would be willing to die for them.

Robin Hood: Wait a minute. Is that why you were to be executed? Because of a woman?

[laughs]

Robin Hood: That's it, isn't it? That's it!

Azeem: It is close to sunset.

Robin Hood: You painted old hound, who was she? The mullah's daughter? Another man's wife? What's her name?

Azeem: Is there no sun in this cursed country? Which way is East?

Robin Hood: Her name.

Azeem: East!

Robin Hood: Her name.

Azeem: Jasmina.

Robin Hood: [points] That way.

[talking about how many men that are about to be ambushed]

Robin Hood: How many?

Azeem: 20.

Robin Hood: 20?

Bull: [further away] How many?

Robin Hood: 5.

Robin Hood: [to Azeem] He can't count anyway.

Marian: You came for me... You're alive...

Robin Hood: I would die for you.

Will Scarlett: It was your anger that drove them apart! It's not a lie! You ruined my life! I have more reason to hate you than anyone. But I found myself daring to believe you. What I want to know brother, is will you stay with us and finish what you've started?

Robin Hood: I have a brother? I have a brother!

[hugs and holds Will]

Robin Hood: So I'll stand with you, side by side. Until the end.

Bull: Until the end!

Little John: We are all bloody in!

Friar Tuck: Damn buggers!

Robin Hood: We finish this.

Azeem: No man controls my destiny... especially not one who attacks downwind and stinks of garlic.

Robin Hood: I had to try.

Azeem: *I* would have succeeded.

[coming to a wide river]

Azeem: In my dreams alone have I imagined such a place.

Robin Hood: Then imagine a way to cross it.

Marian: There is a price on your head.

Robin Hood: How much?

Marian: One hundred gold pieces.

Robin Hood: Is that all? I shall have to annoy the good Sheriff more. Soon it will be a thousand.

Marian: For a thousand, I would turn you in myself.

[after causing Robin to fall in the river]

Will Scarlett: There was a rich man from Nottingham/ who tried to cross a river/ What a dope/ he tripped on a rope/ Now look at him shiver. Beg for mercy, rich man.

Robin Hood: I beg of no man, as you can see I have nothing, not even my sword.

Little John: Any man who travels with two servants and says he has no money, is either a fool or a liar.

Will Scarlett: Yeah, he's a liar.

Robin Hood: And you. You travel ten thousand miles to save my life and leave me to be butchered.

Azeem: I fulfill my vows when I choose to.

Robin Hood: Which does not include prayer time, meal time, or any time I'm outnumbered six to one.

Azeem: You whine like a mule. You are still alive.

[Robin is holding a struggling Little John by the neck in a river]

Robin Hood: Do you yield?

Little John: I can't bloody swim.

Robin Hood: Do you yield?

Little John: Yes.

Robin Hood: Good. Now put your feet down.

[Azeem has delivered Fanny's breech baby]

Robin Hood: You truly are a great one.

Robin Hood: This is English courage.

[Robin has been knocked down once by John Little]

Robin Hood: Any suggestions?

Azeem: Get up. Move faster.

Robin Hood: Move faster. Great idea.

Robin Hood: Do you yield?

Friar Tuck: I'd rather roast in hell.

Robin Hood: You were to use this information to get close to me and then kill me, isn't that right, Will? What are your intentions?

Will Scarlett: Well, that depends on you Locksley. I've never trusted you, that's no secret. What I wanna know is, is are you gonna finish what you started? I want to know if he's gonna turn and run like the spoiled little rich boy I always took him for.

Robin Hood: Did I wrong you in another life, Will Scarlett? Where does this intolerable hatred for me come from?

Will Scarlett: From knowing that... that our father loved you more than me.

Robin Hood: Our father?

Will Scarlett: We are brothers, Robin of Locksley. I am the son of the woman who replaced your dead mother for a time.

Robin Hood: It's a lie!

Will Scarlett: It was your anger that drove them apart! It's not a lie! You ruined my life! I have more reason to hate you than anyone. Yet I found myself daring to believe in you. And what I want to know brother, is will you stay with us and finish what you started?

Sarah: Step into the light. Turn around.

Robin Hood: Am I to dance next?

Will Scarlett: No. I'll do that. You cover us with your bow.

Robin Hood: No Will. It's too dangerous.

Will Scarlett: So is your aim.

Marian: It's interesting to hear you say that.

Robin Hood: I didn't. My father did.

Marian: Did the holy quest erase your hatred of him?

Robin Hood: I don't know. All I know is that our last words in this world were spoken in anger. I was lost after my mother died. My father too, and for a short time he found comfort in the arms of another woman, a peasant woman. I thought he was betraying my mother's memory.

Marian: So he gave her up?

Robin Hood: For the love of a twelve-year-old boy who would never forgive him.

Robin Hood: Marian, I've returned to my home to find it destroyed, and my father murdered! And the only clues to why are in the ramblings of an old blind man.

Marian: But all I remember of you is a spoiled bully who used to burn my hair as a child.

Robin Hood: Please allow that years of war and imprisonment may change a man.

Marian: Robin, whatever happened between you and your father, you mustn't believe... what they accused him of.

Robin Hood: I don't.

[Azeem is preparing to help Fanny deliver a breech baby]

Robin Hood: What are you going to do?

Azeem: I have seen it many times... with horses.

Robin Hood: With *horses*?

[after Sarah and Marian get the better of Bull and his companion, they bring them to meet Robin]

Robin Hood: What happened to your eye, Bull?

Bull: We were set upon by, like, ten...

Much the Miller's Son: Uh, 12!

Bull: 15 large, big lads.

Sarah: Oh, yeah?

Bull: Yeah!

[the outlaws are passing a jug of mead around a circle; one of them finishes, then starts to pass the bottle past Azeem]

Robin Hood: Has English hospitality changed so much that a friend of mine's not welcome?

Hal: But he's a savage, sire.

Robin Hood: That he is... but no more than you or I. And don't call me sire.

[the woodsman offers the jug to Azeem]

Azeem: Regretfully, I must decline. Allah forbids it.

Little John: Your bloody loss, mate.

[speaking of his father]

Robin Hood: He called the Crusades a foolish quest. He said it was vanity to force our religion upon other men.

Robin Hood: My father was no devil worshiper. And I'll have words with any man who says otherwise. But he's right. I was a rich man's son. When I killed the sheriff's men, I became an outlaw like you.

Will Scarlett: You are nothing like us.

[leaves]

Little John: That is Will Scarlet. Take no notice of him, he's full of piss and wind. Come on lads, drink up. Don't talk about so much bloody rubbish. This here is the best that we simple men can expect. Here we're safe. We are kings!

[after Robin defeats Little John, and asks for his father's medallion back]

Little John: Give me your name first.

Robin Hood: Robin of Locksley.

[the camera shifts to Will Scarlet, whose face suddenly clouds over]

Little John: Well, Robin of Locksley, you've got balls of solid rock.

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: Why, you speak treason!

Robin Hood: Fluently.

Sir Guy of Gisbourne: [during duel with Robin] Do you know any prayers, my friend?

Robin Hood: I'll say one for you!

Will Scarlett: I'm tired.

Robin Hood: What? After a nice refreshing sleep in the green wood?

Will Scarlett: I pulled seven acorns out of my ribs.

Robin Hood: Lovely, fresh air...

Will Scarlett: My teeth ache with chattering.

Robin Hood: Nightingales singing...

Will Scarlett: An owl hooting in my ear.

Robin Hood: Hooting? He was singing you to sleep!

Sir Guy of Gisbourne: What the devil?

Robin Hood: Come now, Sir Guy. You would not kill a man for telling the truth, would you?

Sir Guy of Gisbourne: If it amused me, yes!

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: Tell me: when you are in love, is it hard to think of anybody but one person?

Bess: Yes, indeed, m'lady, and sometimes it's a bit of trouble sleeping.

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: I know! But it's a nice kind of not sleeping!

Bess: Yes. And it affects your appetite, too. Not that I've noticed it's done that to you, 'cept when he was in the dungeon waiting to be hanged.

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: And does it make you want to be with him all the time?

Bess: Yes. And when he's with you, your legs are as weak as water. Now, tell me, m'lady: when he looks at you, do you feel a kind of pricky feeling, like goosey pimples running all up and down your spine?

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: [blushes]

Bess: Then there's not a doubt of it!

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: A doubt of what?

Robin Hood: [eavesdropping from the window] That you're in love!

Sir Guy of Gisbourne: You've come to Nottingham once too often!

Robin Hood: When this is over, my friend, there'll be no need for me to come again.

Robin Hood: It's injustice I hate, not the Normans.

[last lines]

King Richard: What about you Robin?

Robin Hood: My sword is yours, sire, now and always.

King Richard: Is there nothing England's king can grant the outlaw who showed him his duty to his country?

Robin Hood: Yes, your majesty: a pardon for the men of Sherwood.

King Richard: Granted with all my heart!

[the men cheer]

King Richard: But, uh, is there nothing for yourself?

Robin Hood: [looking at Marian] There's but one thing else, sire.

King Richard: [to Marian] And, uh, do you too wish...?

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: More than anything in the world, sire.

King Richard: Kneel, Robin Hood.

[Robin does so, and King Richard taps his shoulders with his sword]

King Richard: Arise Robin, Baron of Locksley, Earl of Sherwood and Nottingham, and lord of all the lands and manors appertaining thereto. My first command to you, my lord Earl, is to take in marriage the hand of the Lady Marian... What say you to that, Baron of Locksley?

Robin Hood: May I obey all your commands with equal pleasure, sire!

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: Robin!

Robin Hood: Yes?

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: Please.

Robin Hood: Then you do love me, don't you? Don't you?

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: You know I do.

Robin Hood: Well, that's different. (Robin re-enters the window and they share an embrace and kiss.)

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: You know you're very impudent.

Robin Hood: Me?

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: You are. And when my real guardian King Richard finds out about your being in love with me...

Robin Hood: I know, he'll make me court jester.

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: He won't. He'll stick your funny head on London's Gate.

Robin Hood: A very fine decoration it will be, my bold Norman beauty.

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: I'm not bold.

Robin Hood: But you're a Norman... And you are a beauty. You are the most beautiful...

Lady Marian Fitzswalter: And you're leaving here at once. Please darling! Every minute you're here, you're in danger.

Robin Hood: I know...

Robin Hood: Give way, little man.

Little John: Only to a better man than meself.

Robin Hood: He stands before you.

Will Scarlett: Robin, I've just got word of-

[sees Friar Tuck and breaks off]

Robin Hood: It's all right, he's one of us.

Will Scarlett: One of us? He looks like three of us!

Robin Hood: I'll organize revolt, exact a death for a death, and I'll never rest until every Saxon in this shire can stand up free men and strike a blow for Richard and England.

Prince John: Are you finished?

Robin Hood: I'm only just beginning. From this night forward I'll use every means in my power to fight you!

Robin Hood: Welcome to Sherwood, my lady!

Robin Hood: What a pity her manners don't match her looks.

Sir Guy of Gisbourne: Now that you've robbed us and had your fill of insulting us, we wish to leave. Come, Lady Marian.

Robin Hood: My own men will escort my Lady. But before you take leave of her, it might be as well if you thanked her for saving your life.

Sir Guy of Gisbourne: My life?

Robin Hood: Do you think you would've left this forest alive if it hadn't been for her presence here? Peter! Errol! Take six men guide our loyal host and his nervous friend to the Nottingham road.

High Sheriff of Nottingham: But our... our horses? Our... our clothes?

Robin Hood: You'll return to Nottingham as you are, on foot. This, Sir Guy, will at least be a lesson to you in humility if not in mercy. The rest of your people will be returned tomorrow.

Sir Guy of Gisbourne: But the Lady Marian?

Robin Hood: You'd best be started, before I've a change of mind.

[Robin's men draw their swords]

High Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Sir Guy] I think we'd better go!

King Richard: Well, sir rascal, tell me, who are you?

Robin Hood: I'm called Robin Hood.

King Richard: It seems I've heard of you.

Robin Hood: Nothing good, I hope.

King Richard: Oh, now I remember. How does your loyalty to Richard set on a killer of knights, a poacher of the king's deer and an outlaw?

Robin Hood: Those I've killed died from misusing the trust that Richard left them. And the worst rogue of these is the king's own brother.

King Richard: Oh, then you blame Prince John.

Robin Hood: No, I blame Richard. His task was defending his people instead of deserting them to fight in foreign lands.

King Richard: What? You'd condemn the Holy Crusades?

Robin Hood: I'll condemn anything that leaves the task of holding England to outlaws like me.

Robin Hood: Men, if you're willing to fight for our people, I want you!

Robin Hood: [to Gisbourne during duel] Did I upset your plans?

Robin Hood: Now some of you might think that our loyal host intended this treasure for the coffers of Prince John, instead of to ransom the king- and you'd be right. But a strange thing happened. A change of heart overtook him in the forest and there it is safe and sound!

Robin Hood: [after being cast out of the castle, Robin and Will are sitting by a fireplace in the woods. Heavy rain and thunder] Let me guess... the horses have gone home?

Will Scarlett: Yes, the horses have gone home.

Robin Hood: Congratulations.

Will Scarlett: Thank you.

Robin Hood: I'm starved.

Will Scarlett: Me too.

Robin Hood: It's raining.

Will Scarlett: [agreeing] It's raining.

Will Scarlett: If only I hadn't encouraged you to stand up for the miller.

Robin Hood: If only I hadn't listened.

Robin Hood, Will Scarlett: [looking at each other, then in unison] Bloody Normans!

Maid Marian: So what are you going to do to me? Tie me up?

Robin Hood: Could be a lashing.

Maid Marian: How many strokes?

Robin Hood: As many as are necessary.

Maid Marian: And then it's finished?

Robin Hood: That depends. Have you ever been lashed before?

Maid Marian: I've never had someone make me beg them to stop.

Robin Hood: Then you've never had a proper lashing.

Robin Hood: Let's settle this on a coin toss. Heads I win, tails he loses.

Robin Hood: You've got a twinkle in your eye.

Much the Miller: Better than the sharp end of a dagger.

Robin Hood: Sam, can you make boxes?

Sam Timmons the Carpenter: Can I make boxes? Is Friar Tuck hungry?

Robin Hood: [Swings into the chapel and interrupts Marian's wedding to Miles Folcanet] Good morning, Sir Miles!

Robin Hood: I'm going to show him what an outlaw is and what an outlaw does!

Robin Hood: I order you to leave this man be, and to get off my land.

Sir Miles Folcanet: Well well, leave him be? Yes, of course we could do as you suggest. But the poacher will still have his eyes so he could poach again.

Robin Hood: You should have killed him!

Will Scarlett: You should have kept your mouth shut!

Robin Hood: You're free to go. Or stay if you think you've something to offer?

Maid Marian: What could I offer to the man who has everything?

Robin Hood: [Frowns] Don't play games with me.

Maid Marian: You're so handsome when you're angry.

Robin Hood: [Has a knife on the corrupt Abbott] I apologize, the steel is cold, it couldn't be helped.

Robin Hood: What's your name?

Maid Marian: [In disguise] Martin. Martin Pride.

Robin Hood: Pride. I like it.

Robin Hood: Who are you?

Maid Marian: [Disguised as Martin Pride] What a time to ask philosophical questions.

Robin Hood: [about the new longbows] You know what I could do with a hundred of these?

Maid Marian: Just what do you think you are doing?

Robin Hood: Getting up.

Maid Marian: You are not. Come now, a sup of barley broth.

Robin Hood: I'm sick to death of barley broth. And once more I've been bullied long enough by you and that turniped faced friar.

Friar Tuck: Hmph!

Maid Marian: Now you drink this!

Robin Hood: You drink it!

Friar Tuck: [sits on Robin Hood so he can't move] Pour it down his throat.

Maid Marian: And you, good rogue, have my gracious leave to pine and fret till my return.

Robin Hood: Oh, why should I?

Maid Marian: To please a lady.

Robin Hood: I could please myself to take up the cross and follow my king to the Holy Land.

Maid Marian: 'Twould come to the same thing in the end. Chop a few heads enough you'd come back a knight. As a knight you'd go jousting a tournament, to please a lady, and have your own head chopped off.

Robin Hood: It would be worth it.

Maid Marian: Is she so passing fair?

Robin Hood: Aye

Maid Marian: Describe her to me, Robin.

Robin Hood: Well... she's....

Tyb: Marian! Come now!

Robin Hood: You're father's waiting.

Maid Marian: I know, I know. Tell me quickly.

Robin Hood: Well, she's tall and stately with bonnie blue eyes and golden hair. And above all she's sweetly tempered.

[Marian kicks Robin in the shin]

Robin Hood: Ooooh. Owe.

Maid Marian: Farewell, old clodhopper!

Maid Marian: [dressed as a page boy being held back by Little John] Let me go, you monster! Let me go!

Robin Hood: Hey, John. Give me that lad.

Maid Marian: [Marian is tossed to Robin] Let me down, you... you white faced...

Robin Hood: Well, you're a pretty lad and sweetly tempered. Like a lady I used to know.

Maid Marian: And I used to know a gentleman called Robin Fitzooth who would scorn to be a common thief.

Maid Marian: So it's goodbye again.

Robin Hood: It will always be goodbye till King Richard returns.

Maid Marian: I fear so. Do you remember the day we said goodbye at Huntington?

Robin Hood: I do.

Maid Marian: And you were wishing to join the crusade and go to the Holy Land.

Robin Hood: Yes.

Maid Marian: It's well for England that you didn't.

Robin Hood: I wonder.

Maid Marian: You're serving your king better here, Robin Fitzooth.

Robin Hood: Thank you, my lady.

Prince John: And why should the people listen to you?

Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.

[referring to the then recent blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, in which Kevin Costner played the role with an American accent]

Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!

Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.

Robin Hood: He's dead?

Blinkin: Yes...

Robin Hood: And my mother?

Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while...

[Remembers]

Blinkin: Oh, you were away!

Robin Hood: My brothers?

Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.

Robin Hood: My dog, Pongo?

Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.

Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?

Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.

Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?

Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.

[pause]

Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?

Robin Hood: As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... my friend Ahchoo.

Crowd: A black sheriff?

Blinkin: He's black?

Ahchoo: And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.

Robin Hood: I lost. I lost? Wait a second, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.

Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.

Blinkin: A Jew? Here?

Robin Hood: No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.

Blinkin: Oh Master Robin!

[hugging a replica statue of the Venus de Milo]

Blinkin: You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs.

Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'm over here.

Robin Hood: You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles?

[clears their throats, trying to act macho]

Robin Hood: No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.

Rabbi Tuckman: As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?

Robin Hood: I am Robin of Loxley.

Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!

Sheriff of Rottingham: [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it] I challenge you to a duel.

Robin Hood: [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down] I accept!

Robin Hood: Too-ta-loo. Au revior. Auf weidesen. Ciao. Ding dow dai.

[Blinkin, the blind man, is up in a perch looking out for strangers]

Robin Hood: Blinkin! What are you doing?

Blinkin: Guessing. I guess no one's coming.

Maid Marian: I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.

Robin Hood: Well, that's easy. I won't.

Maid Marian: Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.

Robin Hood: An archery contest?

Maid Marian: Their archer is unbeatable.

Robin Hood: Really?

Maid Marian: Robin, promise you won't go.

Robin Hood: All right, I promise you won't go.

Maid Marian: Thank you.

[stops for a second, confused]

Ahchoo: But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...

Robin Hood: Cool it...

Ahchoo: Chilled.

Ahchoo: [after Blinkin catches an arrow] Blinkin! How did you do that?

Blinkin: I heard that coming a mile away.

Robin Hood: Right-o, Blinkin, very good.

Blinkin: Pardon? Who's talking?

Robin Hood: [trying to unlock the chastity belt] Um, darling?

Maid Marian: [in sultry voice] What?

Robin Hood: You're not going to believe this...

Maid Marian: What?

Robin Hood: It won't open!

Maid Marian: WHAT?

Robin Hood: Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!

Sheriff of Rottingham: King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!

Robin Hood, Maid Marian: What?

Sheriff of Rottingham: I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?

Robin Hood: Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?

[crowd gasps]

Prince John: Careful Robin, you go too far.

Robin Hood: [first meeting Blinkin the blind servant] BLINKIN!

Blinkin: Master Robin, Is that you?

Robin Hood: Yes.

Blinkin: What back from the Crusades?

Robin Hood: Yes.

Blinkin: And alive?

Robin Hood: [pause] yes.

[Robin crashes Prince John's party, and slams a wild pig on the table]

Sheriff of Rottingham: That's a wild boar!

Robin Hood: No, no. That's a wild pig.

[Robin points at Prince John]

Robin Hood: *That's* a wild bore.

Robin Hood: And who might you be?

Little John: Oh, they call me Little John. But don't let my name fool you. In real life, I'm very big.

Robin Hood: I'll take your word for it.

[Ahchoo has released Robin from a noose]

Robin Hood: Nice shooting, Ahchoo.

Ahchoo: To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.

Rabbi Tuckman: I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.

Merry Men: 'ello Rabbi!

Rabbi Tuckman: Hello boys!

Robin Hood: A moyel... I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.

Rabbi Tuckman: A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.

Scarlet: What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?

Rabbi Tuckman: It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!

Little John: I'll take one!

Ahchoo: Hey, put me down for two!

Robin Hood: I'm game. How's it done?

Rabbi Tuckman: It's a snap.

[demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]

Rabbi Tuckman: I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...

[releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]

Rabbi Tuckman: I nip the tip! Whose first?

Merry Men: [groan]

Little John: I changed me mind!

Ahchoo: I forgot, I already got one.

Blinkin: [puts his hand in the air] Question...

[Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]

Rabbi Tuckman: I gotta start working with a younger crowd.

Robin Hood: Prepare for the fight scene!

Maid Marian: Oh, darling, don't despair! For it is written on a scroll: "One day, he, who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my... virginity."

Robin Hood: Oh, Marian, if only 'twere me.

Maid Marian: Oh, if 'twere you, 'twould be... twerrific.

Robin Hood: [Robin and Ahchoo are fight the sherif of Rottinghams men] Watch my back!

Ahchoo: [Ahchoo litarlly leans over and looks at his back as a guard punches him twice in the back] Your back just got punched twice.

Robin Hood: Thank You!

Rabbi Tuckman: [performing the marriage] Robin, do you?

Robin Hood: I do.

Rabbi Tuckman: Marian, do you?

Maid Marian: I do.

Rabbi Tuckman: I now pronounce you man and...

King Richard: I object!

Rabbi Tuckman: Who asked?

Robin Hood: Kindly let me pass.

Little John: Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.

[Proudly]

Little John: I made that up.

Robin Hood: It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.

Robin Hood: [carrying Marian to the bed] Oh my darling, at last.

Maid Marian: [sliding his hand to the key to unlock her chastity belt] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Broomhilde: [rushes into the room] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Robin Hood: [groans]

Broomhilde: You are not married yet! Before you do it, you must go through it! Or else I blew it.

Robin Hood: Good people, who have travelled from villages near and far! Lend me your ears!

Robin Hood: [Crowd proceeds to pull off ears and throw them at Robin]

Robin Hood: That's disgusting!

Guard: Robin of Loxley, where is your king?

Robin Hood: King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?

Robin Hood: Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?

[Merry Men snicker]

Rabbi Tuckman: Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.

Merry Men: Awwwww...

Rabbi Tuckman: [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered

[drunk]

Rabbi Tuckman: Join me!

Robin Hood: Let's hear it for the Rabbi!

Merry Men: [Cheer]

Robin Hood: Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.

Maid Marian: But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.

Robin Hood: But...

Maid Marian: Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.

Robin Hood: Yes...

Maid Marian: Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!

Robin Hood: This is Ahchoo.

Little John: Bless you!

Ahchoo: [laughs] No, that's my name, man. Ahchoo.

[Rottingham slices off Robin's necklace, sending his key flying. The key falls into the lock of Marian's chastity belt]

Robin Hood: It is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!

Maid Marian: This means you've always been my one true love because it's just the right size!

Sheriff of Rottingham: It's not the size that counts... It's how you use it!

Asneeze: I am Asneeze, father of Ahchoo.

Robin Hood: Bless you.

Asneeze: No no no, Ahchoo is my son.

Robin Hood: By the by, do you know praying mantis?

Ahchoo: You're looking at him.

Robin Hood: Ah! Right rope!

Robin Hood: Rabbi!

Rabbi Tuckman: [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?

Robin Hood: It is I, Robin of Loxley! We wish to get married in a hurry!

Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry? That's great! Hold on, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.

[goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]

Rabbi Tuckman: Put a little ice on it. You'll be fine.

[to Robin]

Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the briss.

[Ahchoo is getting beaten up by a group of soldiers and as Robin who is riding his horse searches for Ahchoo, he suddenly saw Ahchoo getting beaten up by a group of soldiers]

Robin Hood: Ahchoo?

[the soldiers briefly stop beating Ahchoo and face Robin Hood]

Soldiers: Bless you!

[the soldiers continues to beat up Ahchoo]

Ahchoo: Man, I hope someone is getting a video of this!

[Robin has just been chained in Le Dungeon]

Asneeze: You are very brave for not a homeboy.

Robin Hood: Oh, thank you.

Asneeze: I've been in here for a while. Perhaps I could be of service. Do you have any questions?

Robin Hood: What are you in for?

Asneeze: Jaywalking.

The Hangman: [In a Jocular mood] Let's see, are you about a 16, 16 1/2?

[mimics hanging himself, then hums as he selects a noose and places it around Robin's neck]

The Hangman: There.

Robin Hood: It's a little tight.

The Hangman: That's the idea. Would you care for a blind fold?

[Robin shakes his head; the hangman raises his eyepatch]

The Hangman: How about half a one? Get it, sir?

Robin Hood: Are you with me? Yea or Nay?

Villager: Well which one means yes?

Robin Hood: Yea.

Robin Hood: And you're a robber too. How long have you been a robber?

Strutter: Four foot one.

Robin Hood: Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?

Robin Hood: The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?

Randall: Who?

Robin Hood: The poor.

Randall: The poor?

Robin Hood: Oh you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor.

Robin Hood: [loudly and cheerfully, saying goodbye to the Time Bandits] Thank you very much! Thank you very much. Thank you very very very VERY much!

Robin Hood: [quietly, to his men] What awful people.

Robin Hood: Oh yes and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor, aren't they Redgrave?

Redgrave: [Gibberish]

Robin Hood: You see- what did he say?

Marion: He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all.

Kevin: I'd like to stay.

Robin Hood: Jolly good! What's your name?

Kevin: Ke...

[Is pulled away by Randall]

Robin Hood: Ke? What a jolly nice name. Well never mind, cheerio! Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very much.

[Under his breath]

Robin Hood: Awful people.

Robin Hood: Hello, I'm Hood.

Hood's Assistant: Say good morning, you scum!

Time Bandits: Good morning, Scum.

Robin Hood: You enjoy robbing then?

Wally: Well it helps pay the rent, Sir.

Robin Hood: Ha ha ha ha. Jolly good. Ha ha ha.

Robin Hood: Here we are, madam. Congratulations. Well done. Congratulations.

[Redgrave belts the lady]

Robin Hood: Is that absolutely necessary?

Redgrave: [Gibberish]

Robin Hood: What did he say?

Marion: He said yes, he's afraid it is.

Robin Hood: Ah, fine.

Robin Hood: [Seeing the Bandits' haul] Crikey! I've been in robbing for years but I've never seen anything like this. Well, what can I say? Thank you. Thank you all very much indeed.

Randall: Oh don't men - What?

Little John: You know somethin', Robin. I was just wonderin', are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh? Our robbin' the rich to feed the poor.

Robin Hood: Rob? Tsk tsk tsk. That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it.

Little John: Borrow? Boy, are we in debt.

Robin Hood: [after just swinging her to safety, he takes her hand] Marian, my love, will you marry me?

Marian: Oh, darling, I thought you'd never ask me!

[moves behind Robin Hood so he can continue to fight the Sheriff's men]

Marian: [giggles] But you could have chosen a more romantic setting!

Robin Hood: For our honeymoon: London! Normandy!

Marian: Yes!

Robin Hood: Sunny Spain?

Marian: [laughs] Why not?

Robin Hood: [He and Little John are dressed as Gypsy women] Ooh-de-la-lay! Ooh-de-la-lay! Fortune tellers!

Little John: Fortunes forecast! Lucky charms!

Robin Hood: Catch the dope with your horoscope!

Robin Hood: [in disguise] I'm gonna win that Golden Arrow, and then I'm goin' to present meself to Maid Marian.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Listen, Scissorbill. If you shoot half as well as you blabbermouth, you're better than Robin Hood.

Robin Hood: Robin Hood, he says? Wowee! I'm tip-top, alright, but I'm not as good as he is.

[Shoots a perfect bullseye]

Little John: You're burning the chow!

Robin Hood: Sorry, Johnny. Guess I was thinking about Maid Marian again. I can't help it. I love her, Johnny.

Little John: Look, why don't you stop moonin' and mopin' around? - Just - Just marry the girl.

Robin Hood: Marry her? You don't just walk up to a girl, hand her a bouquet and say, "Hey, remember me? We were kids together. Will you marry me?" No. It just isn't done that way.

Little John: Aw, come on, Robbie. Climb the castle walls. Sweep her off her feet. Carry her off in style.

Robin Hood: It's no use, Johnny. I've thought it all out, and... it just wouldn't work. Besides, what have I got to offer her?

Little John: Well, for one thing, you can't cook.

Robin Hood: I'm serious, Johnny. She's a highborn lady of quality.

Little John: So she's got class? So what?

Robin Hood: I'm an outlaw, that's what. That's no life for a lovely lady. Always on the run. What kind of a future is that?

Friar Tuck: Oh, for heaven's sake, son. You're no outlaw. Why, someday you'll be called a great hero.

Robin Hood: A hero? Do you hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned.

Little John: That's a gas. We ain't even been arrested yet.

Friar Tuck: Alright, laugh, you two rouges, but there's gonna be a big to-do in Nottingham.

[tastes the stew and coughs]

Friar Tuck: Well done, ain't it? Old Prince John's having a championship archery tournament tomorrow.

Little John: Archery tournament? Huh! Old Rob could win that standing on his head. Huh, Rob?

Robin Hood: Thank you, Little John, but I'm sure we're not invited.

Friar Tuck: No, but there's somebody who will be very dissapointed if you don't come.

Little John: Yeah, ol' Bushel Britches, the Honorable Sheriff of Nottingham.

Friar Tuck: No, Maid Marian.

Robin Hood: Maid Marian?

Friar Tuck: Yeah. She's gonna give a kiss to the winner.

[laughs]

Robin Hood: A kiss to the winner? Oodelaly! Come on, Johnny! What are we waiting for?

Friar Tuck: Wait a minute, Rob. Hold it. That place will be crawling with soldiers.

Robin Hood: Ah, but remember faint hearts never won fair lady. Fear not, my friends.

[he shoots an arrow, it ricochets off a washing tub; Robin then throws his hat in the air, where it is ran through by the arrow and lands back on his head]

Robin Hood: This will be my greatest performance.

Robin Hood: [sees Maid Marian] There she is, Little John. Isn't she beautiful?

Little John: Cool it, loverboy! You're heart's running away with your head!

Robin Hood: Ah, stop worrying. This disguise will fool my own mother.

Little John: Yeah, but your mom ain't here. You gotta fool ol' Bushel Britches.

Prince John: I sentence you to sudden, instant, and even immediate death!

Marian: Oh, no. Please. Please, sire. I beg of you to spare his life. Please have mercy.

Prince John: My dear, emotional lady, why should I?

Marian: Because I love him, Your Highness.

Prince John: Love him? And does this prisoner return your love?

Robin Hood: Marian, my darling, I love you more than life itself.

Prince John: [Sincerely] Young love, your pleads have not fallen upon a heart of stone.

[Tone changes to fierce and determined]

Prince John: But traitors to the crown must die!

Robin Hood: [cutting him off] Traitor to the crown? That crown belongs to King Richard. Long live King Richard!

Crowd: Long live King Richard!

Prince John: [gives the crowd a dirty look]

[Throwing a childish tantrum]

Prince John: Enough! I am King! King! King! Off with his head!

Robin Hood: [posing as a fortune teller] A face appears. A crown is on his noble brow.

Prince John: Oo-dee-lally! A crown! How exciting!

Robin Hood: His face is handsome, regal, majestic, lovable. A cuddly face.

Prince John: Handsome, regal, majestic, ha ha. Lovable, yes, yes. Cuddly.

[laughs]

Prince John: Oh, that's me to a T. It truly is.

Robin Hood: [is slapped by Hiss] Ooh!

Prince John: Now what?

Robin Hood: I uh I see your elustrious name.

Prince John: [shouts] I know my name! Get on with it!

Robin Hood: Your name will go down, down, down in history, of course.

Prince John: Yes! I knew it! I knew it! You hear that, Hiss? Oh you can't. He's in the basket. Don't forget it!

Robin Hood: Tell me, young man, how old are you?

Skippy: Gosh, I'm seven years old! Going on eight!

Robin Hood: Seven? That does make you the man of the house.

Little John: You know something, Robin? You're taking too many chances.

Robin Hood: Chances? You must be joking! That was just a bit of a lark, Little John.

Little John: Oh, yeah? Take a look at your hat. That's not a candle on a cake.

Robin Hood: [regarding the arrow in his hat] Hello! This one almost had my name on it, didn't it? They're getting better, you know. You've got to admit it! They are getting better.

Little John: Yeah, the next thing you know, that sheriff will probably have a rope around our necks!

[gags as he chokes himself]

Little John: Pretty hard to laugh hanging there, Rob!

Robin Hood: The sheriff and his whole posse couldn't lift you off the ground.

Robin Hood: That's all of them. Get going!

Little John: This ain't no hayride. Let's move it outta here. Ho!

Friar Tuck: On to Sherwood Forest!

Robin Hood: We'll have six children!

Marian: [charmed] Six? Oh, a dozen at least!

Marian: [Nutsy shoots an arrow at Robin, who dodges, and the ricochet just misses Nutsy. Marian, not content to let that go, smacks Nutsy in the face with a blackberry pie] Take that!

[Marian and Robin laugh]

Robin Hood: [as Nutsy] Jehosaphat, Trigger. Put that peashooter down!

Robin Hood: [seeing Marian in a nun's habit] Marian, what are you doing in that costume?

Maid Marian: Living in it.

Maid Marian: Robin, were there many women on your Great Crusade?

Robin Hood: Lots.

Maid Marian: Don't tell me.

Robin Hood: As you wish.

Maid Marian: How many?

Robin Hood: Well...

[after a long pause]

Robin Hood: ... But they all looked like you.

[Robin Hood comes back from the Crusades]

Maid Marian: You never wrote.

Robin Hood: I don't know how.

Robin Hood: Give me my bow... Where this falls, John, Put us close, and leave us there.

Sir Ranulf: I hold my office from the King himself!

Robin Hood: I never liked your King much.

Sir Ranulf: You're his subject... and his servant.

Robin Hood: He's not King here. Not in Sherwood.

Sir Ranulf: [mocking] *You're* the ruler? Should I bow?

Robin Hood: I wouldn't have you in my service, nobleman. I've known your kind all my life. You're everything I'm meant to fight. *You're* the enemy. You gobble good red meat, and we get bread and cheese. The laws can't touch you and there's no crime you can be punished for, and we can shoot a deer and have our eyes put out. This is *my* forest. I'll live here as I like. You come in again, I'll kill you.

Robin Hood: I've followed you for twenty years. I fought for you in the Crusades. I fought for you here in France. Show me a soldier and I'll fight him now. But I won't slaughter children for a piece of gold that never was!

Richard the Lionheart: I ordered it. I command you.

Robin Hood: *You* do it! You're a bloody bastard, you'll enjoy it!

Richard the Lionheart: Damn right I'll do it!

Robin Hood: Jesus, Marian! Why?

Maid Marian: I love you. More than all you know. I love you more than children. More than fields I've planted with my hands. I love you more than morning prayers or peace or food to eat. I love you more than sunlight, more than flesh or joy or one more day. I love you more than God.

Maid Marian: Let's take a look at you.

Robin Hood: [opens his shirt] Just a few bumps and bruises.

Maid Marian: [Reacting to his scars] Oh!

[She touches them gently]

Maid Marian: So many... You had the sweetest body when you left. Hard, and not a mark. And you were mine. When you left I thought I'd die. I even tried. I walked into the woods and laid down by a stream and cut myself. Some damn fool forrester came by, took me to the abbey. So they say. No more scars, Robin. It's too much to lose you twice.

Robin Hood: I've never kissed a member of the clergy before. Would it be a sin?

Maid Marian: I don't know how I look to you, but I'm not your Marian. I can't imagine living in the world again, or even for a minute wanting to. Come morning, I'm going to the Sheriff.

Robin Hood: What's the sense? Who would it serve?

Maid Marian: There's always God. You went crusading, didn't you?

Robin Hood: There are some things worth dying for.

Maid Marian: They had souls, too, the heathen that you killed. If I should die in prison-and I'd rather not, but if it comes-it's for a reason. I'll have stood for something, and I won't have taken another life to do it. What will you do now? Fight the Sheriff? More corpses? Aren't you sick of it?

Robin Hood: On the twelfth of July, 1191, the mighty fortress that was Acre fell to Richard, his one great victory in the Holy Land. He was sick in bed and never struck a blow. On the eighth of August, John and I stood outside watching while every Muslim left alive was marched out in chains. King Richard spared the rich for ransoms, took the strong for slaves, then he took the children-*all* the children-and had them chopped apart. Then he had their mothers killed. When they were all dead, three thousand bodies on the plain, he had them all opened up so their guts could be explored for gold and precious stones. Our churchmen on the scene-and there were many-took it for a triumph! One bishop put on his mitre and led us all in prayer. And you ask me if I'm sick of it.

Maid Marian: Why didn't you come home then?

Robin Hood: Bec... he was my King.

Little John: Where do we go? Which way?

Robin Hood: North.

Little John: Why north?

Robin Hood: England's there. Let's go home, John.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Robin! Still not dead?

Robin Hood: Not for want of trying. You look well, all things considered.

Sheriff of Nottingham: How was the Crusade?

Robin Hood: A disappointment. After all these years, look at us. I'm nothing but a former captain, and you're still the Sheriff.

Sheriff of Nottingham: No advancement. You see, I can read and write. Makes you suspect. Not a duke in twenty reads a word.

[to Sir Ranulf]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Correct, milord?

Sir Ranulf: Books are for clerks.

Robin Hood: [to John] They reckon it's a good life to have reached 40. We're both past it, and look at us!

Robin Hood: Richard, it's me.

Richard the Lionheart: [dying] I know it's you. You couldn't leave me, could you? You're free of me now. I'll let you go. What will you do without me now, Jolly Robin... now I'm dead?

Robin Hood: [to Marian] It's so beautiful, this place... the woods just now... full of noises... everything so alive. I kept thinking of all the death I've seen. I've hardly lost a battle, and I don't know what I've won. 'The day is ours, Robin,' you used to say, and then it was tomorrow. But where did the day go?

Robin Hood: [Robin and Will are about to be executed] How can you eat?

Little John: [shrugs] I'm hungry.

Robin Hood: They've turned us into heroes, Johnny. Will, you didn't make it up.

Will Scarlett: These songs, I don't know where they come from, but you hear them everywhere. We go from town to town and ...

Robin Hood: What do you do for a living?

Friar Tuck: While I take confessions, he takes the horses.

Will Scarlett: And everywhere we go, they want to hear about the things you did.

Robin Hood: We didn't do them.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Robin, you're still a free man. Let me have her and you can go.

Robin Hood: You know I can't do that.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, then, I shall have to hunt you down.

Robin Hood: Good hunting, Sheriff.

Sheriff of Nottingham: God help you, Robin.

Robin Hood: If He will.

[rides away]

Sir Ranulf: [recovering from a kick in the groin] So that's Robin Hood. He's a dead man.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes... but not just anyone's. He's mine. Can you get on your horse, Sir Ranulf?

Robin Hood: A good hunter never hurts puppies.