Robin Quotes in The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)

Robin: My name's Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.

Batman: Well, children can be cruel.

[from trailer]

Robin: What?

[Sees Batcave]

Robin: It's the Batcave! Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygooo-!

[Bumps into Batman]

Robin: Batman, woah!

Batman: You're darn right, woah!

Robin: Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?

Batman: No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic.

Robin: Hey, I was thinking. If I'm gonna be a superhero, and go on awesome superhero missions like this one, can we use code names? Mine can be Robin.

Batman: I'm sorry, say that again?

Robin: Robin.

Batman: As in the small, Midwestern frail bird?

Robin: Yeah, and I already have a catch phrase. Tweet, tweet, on the street.

Batman: Hard pass.

Robin: And a song.

[singing]

Robin: Fly, Robin, fly.

Batman: Harder pass.

Barbara Gordon: Is that your son?

Robin: Yes, I am!

Batman: [laughs nervously] Is that my son? No, that's just weird.

Barbara Gordon: It's weirder if it's not your son.

Batman: Batman's life lesson number two. Vigilantes don't have bedtimes.

Robin: Yes! So, what's the vigilante policy on cookies?

Batman: Unlimited!

Batman: So, are you ready to follow Batman and maybe learn a few life lessons along the way?

Robin: I sure am, Dad Two! But first, where's the seat-belt?

Batman: The first lesson is, life doesn't give you seat-belts! Let's go!

Robin: Wow! Look, it's the Bat-Sub!

Batman: Wait, don't touch that!

Robin: Over there! It's the Bat-Space Shuttle!

Batman: Please keep your hands off that.

Robin: Look, it's the Bat-Zeppelin!

Batman: Don't touch that, either!

Robin: It's the Bat-Train!

Batman: No!

Robin: It's the Bat-Kayak!

Batman: No!

Robin: It's the Bat-Dune Buggy!

Batman: No!

Robin: It's the Bat... Shark Repellent?

Batman: [pause] Uh, actually, you can touch that. It's completely useless.

Batman: All righ, kid. We need to avoid Commissioner Gordon. So, lesson number three. When going stealth, you gotta hide every part of you, physically and emotionally. Got it?

Robin: Yeah!

Batman: Batman: So, when going stealth you've got to hide every part of you physically and emotionally.

Robin: Robin:

[Robin runs behind trash can]

Robin: Yeah!

[Voice echoes through trash can]

Batman: Batman: Already failed.

Robin: Woo-hoo! A month ago, I had no dads. Then I had one dad. Now I have two dads, and one of them is Batman!

Batman: Yeah!

Robin: [singing] It's raining dads...

[first lines]

Robin: [checking out the Batmobile] I want a car. Chicks dig the car.

Batman: This is why Superman works alone.

Mr. Freeze: You're not sending ME to the COOLER!

Robin: I could have made that jump!

Batman: And you could have splattered your brains all over the side of the building.

Robin: You know, in the circus, the Flying Graysons were a team. We had to trust each person to do their jobs. That's what being partners is all about. Sometimes, counting on someone else is the only way you win.

Batman: Your head wasn't even on the job. All you could think about was Poison Ivy.

Robin: You just can't stand it! Maybe she wanted me instead of you. I mean, this is your idea of friendship, isn't it, Bruce? It's your house, it's your rules, it's your way to the highway! It's Batman and Robin, not Robin and Batman, and I'm sick of it!

Batman: Yes, it's my rules. *My* rules to keep us alive, and if you want to stay in this house, and on this team, you will abide by them!

Robin: This is no partnership. You're never gonna trust me!

Batman: And you are...?

Batgirl: Batgirl.

Batman: That's not very PC. What about Batwoman, or Batperson?

Batgirl: Bruce, it's me, Barbara. I found the Batcave.

Robin: We gotta get those locks changed.

Batman: She knows who we are.

Robin: I guess we'll just have to kill her.

Batman: Yep, we'll kill her later, we've got work to do.

[talking about Poison Ivy]

Robin: I can't believe we were fighting over a bad guy!

Batman: Bad- Yes. Guy? No.

Robin: Well I'm totally over her, alright? Positively!

Batman: Me too! Definitely!

[pause]

Batman: Great stems, though...

Robin: Buds, too.

Batman: Yeah, those were nice...

Batman: Who invited you?

Robin: I was just hanging around.

Batman: I thought you were gonna stay in the museum. Round up some thugs.

Robin: How 'bout, "Nice to see ya? Glad you're here to save my life."

Robin: Nice catch.

Batman: You break it, you buy it.

Robin: She knows who we are. Guess we'll have to kill her.

Batman: Yep, we'll kill her later. We've got work to do.

Robin: Where's the snowman?

Batgirl: Maybe he melted.

Batman: No, he's just hibernating.

[Batman and Robin are being attacked by Freeze's henchmen]

Robin: It's the hockey team from hell!

Robin: You're pretty good at this, little girl.

Batgirl: Well watch and learn, little boy.

Robin: I need a sign that you've turned over a new leaf.

Ivy: How about "slippery when wet?"

Poison Ivy: [Poison Ivy sneaks up on Robin] Hey there, pretty birdie!

Robin: Give yourself up! If you surrender...

Poison Ivy: -to you?

[She blows lovedust in Robin's face]

Poison Ivy: [Offering her hand] Polly wanna kiss?

Robin: We'll have to do this upside-down.

Batgirl: Men, always doing things the hard way.

Robin: I hate to disappoint you but my rubber lips are immune to your charms.

Batman: [Batman bids for Poison Ivy] One million dollars!

Robin: [as does Robin] Two million!

Batman: You don't have it. Three million!

Robin: I'll borrow it from you! Four million!

Batman: Five million!

Robin: That's a utility belt not a money belt. Six million.

[Batman looks at Robin and then produces something from said-belt]

Batman: [firmly] Seven million.

[it's a credit card blazed with the Bat symbol. Expiration date: FOREVER]

Batman: Never leave the cave without it!

Poison Ivy: [amused by the squabble she's caused] You two boys aren't going to start fighting over little old me, now are you?

Batgirl: Damn.

Robin: Damn? Damn's not good.

Batgirl: Those targeting mirrors are frozen, the thawing beam won't work.

Poison Ivy: Kiss me and I'll tell you.

Robin: Tell me and I'll kiss you.

Robin: [to Batman] A poison kiss? You have some real issues with women, you know that? You just couldn't stand it that she was going to kiss me and not you, wasn't it? You couldn't stand it that she wanted me and not you!

Poison Ivy: Hi there.

Robin: [walks over to Ivy] Is your thumb the only part of you that's green?

Poison Ivy: You will just *have* to find out!

Robin: I want us to be together but, I also wanna make sure your serious about turning over a new leaf...

Robin: [sits down beside her] I need a sign.

Poison Ivy: How about 'Slippery when Wet'?

Robin: Of trust. Tell me your plan.

Poison Ivy: Kiss me and I'll tell you.

Robin: Tell me and I'll kiss you.

Poison Ivy: Freeze has taken the new telescope and turned it into a giant freezing-gun. He's about to turn Gotham into an icecube.

Robin: [he turns to go] I've gotta stop him!

Poison Ivy: [pulls him back to face her] One kiss, my love... for luck.

[upon reaching Claw Island]

Robin: Holey rusted metal, Batman!

Batman: Huh?

Robin: The ground, it's all metal. It's full of holes. You know, holey.

Batman: Oh.

Robin: I can't promise I won't kill Harvey.

Batman: A man's got to go his own way. A friend taught me that.

Robin: Not just a friend.

[extends his hand]

Batman: A partner.

[shakes it]

Robin: Ju want to take a ride in my love machine, bay-bay?

Robin: [Shows Harry a newspaper clipping] Howard Payne, Atlanta P.D. Bomb Squad! Retired to Sun Valley in 1989 when a small charge left him with fingers numbering nine!

Harry: That's our SCUMBAG!

Mullins: [Walking toward a man on the street] Oh, shit.

Ashburn: What's wrong?

Mullins: Just... just don't look. Don't look! Don't look! Just act like we're talking.

Robin: Hey, Shannon.

Mullins: Hi, Robin.

Robin: I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon. You just disappeared on me.

Mullins: Yeah, I know. I was there.

Robin: Well, can I take you to dinner? A movie or something?

Mullins: God, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean, there's a girl out there for you, but it's not... it's not me. Maybe it's her.

[indicating Ashburn]

Mullins: Her lady business is like an old dirty attic. Full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and shit. Why don't you clean THAT out for her?

Ashburn: Uh, that's a... that's a misrepresentation of my vagina.

Robin: Whoa. What happened?

Quinn: It crumpled the landing gear when we hit.

Robin: Well, aren't you gonna fix it? I mean can't we, can't we reattach it somehow?

Quinn: Sure, we'll, like, glue it back on.

Robin: Aren't you one of those guys?

Quinn: What guys?

Robin: Those guy guys, you know, those guys with skills.

Quinn: Skills?

Robin: Yeah. You send them into the wilderness with a pocket knife and a Q-tip and they build you a shopping mall. You can't do that?

Quinn: No, I can't do that, but I can do this:

[Pops finger out of the side of his mouth]

Quinn: Does that help?

Robin: I've flown with you twice and you've crashed half the time.

Robin: [after using their only flare and hitting a palm tree with it] Oh no! Oh uh oh! Oh nuts!

Quinn Harris: [waking up still partly drunk] What the...? What the hell did you do? You wasted our only god damned flare to shoot a god damned palm tree?

Robin: I wouldn't have shot the god damned tree if you hadn't rolled into me. I was trying to signal the god damned plane.

Quinn Harris: What god damned plane?

Robin: [points to a commercial airliner in the sky] That god damned plane.

Quinn Harris: That god damned plane? That's a commercial airliner! It's 5 miles high going six hundred miles an hour. They wouldn't see a nuclear explosion if they were looking for it, much less a flare!

Robin: How the hell was I supposed to know that? If you hadn't drunken yourself into a coma maybe you could have told me that.

Quinn Harris: You know what you've done? You know what you've done? You've taken our one good chance of being found and pissed it away!

Robin: Don't you dare blame this on me. If you were half a pilot, we WOULDN'T BE ON THIS ISLAND!

Quinn Harris: I am the best god damned pilot you'll ever meet!

Robin: Hah! I've flown with you twice, you've crashed half the time.

Robin: [Walks away, leaving Quinn confused at her logic, does a double take] And there is nothing wrong with my tits!

Quinn: They come here looking for the magic, hoping to find romance, when they can't find it anywhere else.

Robin: Maybe they will.

Quinn: It's an island, babe. If you didn't bring it here, you won't find it here.

Quinn Harris: How do you want it?

Robin: Excuse me?

Quinn Harris: Do you want it sugar-coated, or right between the eyes?

Robin: You Pick.

Quinn Harris: We got no landing gear, so we can't take off. Lightning fried the radio, so we can't call for help. AirSea with try a rescue mission but without a beacon to hone in on it's like trying to find a flea on an elephant's ass. The only thing we got is this flare gun with a single flare.

Robin: Is it too late to get it sugar coated?

Quinn Harris: That was sugar-coated.

Robin: [Grabs Radio] Attention K-Mart shoppers. Snow-shovels are on sale for $ 12.99!

Frank Martin: Well done Ocean. Well done sky.

Robin: Well done Mai Tais.

Frank Martin: [Beautiful busty woman walks by] Well done Silicone.

Robin: When you think about deaf people, people who are born deaf... who've never heard a spoken word. What do you think they call the sun or their mother... or their own reflection in the mirror? That's what I call it.

Catwoman: I'll turn myself in on one condition.

Batman: What's that?

Catwoman: We run away to Europe together, sip tea in a cafe, and live happily every after.

Robin: Holy unsatisfying ending!

Catwoman: And of course we kill Robin.

Robin: But no one can out smart Batman for very long!

Robin: Holy crumbling infrastructure!

Robin: Holy trench warfare!

Batman: Good job. Your grasp of the dead languages has improved.

Robin: No language can be dead if it lives in your heart.

Robin: Holy Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Robin: Holy spontaneous combustion!

Robin: Holy unsatisfying ending!

Robin: We were almost done, Batman!

Batman: To put it more accurately, well done, Robin!

Robin: Holy noxious gas!

Robin: Holy citric enzymes!

Robin: Holy Einstein!

Robin: Holy Salisbury steak!

Robin: Holy dragnet!

Robin: Holy entree, Batman!

Robin: Holy helium!

Robin: Holy hydrogen!

Robin: Holy shrapnel!

Robin: Holy hitchiker!

Robin: Holy Hindenburg!

Robin: What's botherin' you?

Batman: Harrison's safety. The Wizard must have heard that broadcast - perhaps he even inspired it.

Robin: Harrison's decision really must have knocked the props out from under his blackmail scheme.

Batman: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. What's to prevent the Wizard from attacking Harrison on his way here?

Robin: Batman and Robin might.

Batman: Run the usual test for invisible ink. I'll change and go entertain Vicki.

Robin: You better be careful. I think she's beginning to get wise that Batman and Bruce Wayne are the same.

Batman: Well, if she gets too close, we know how to throw her off the trail.

Batman: [reads the first riddle] What has yellow skin and writes?

Robin: A ball-point banana!

Batman: [reads the second riddle] What people are always in a hurry?

Robin: Rushing people... Russians!

Batman: So this means...

Robin: Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana and break their neck!

Batman: Precisely, Robin!

Commissioner Gordon: It could be any one of them... But which one? Which ones?

Batman: Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder...

Commissioner Gordon: You mean where there's a fish there could be a Penguin?

Robin: But wait! It happened at sea... Sea. C for Catwoman!

Batman: Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...

Commissioner Gordon: The Joker!

Chief O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle... Riddle-R. Riddler!

Commissioner Gordon: A thought strikes me... So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance...

Batman: The four of them... Their forces combined...

Robin: Holy nightmare!

Batman: Look at this pair of joking riddles.

Chief O'Hara: [reads] What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?

Robin: He gobbles up!

Chief O'Hara: Of course.

Batman: And, number two...

Commissioner Gordon: [reads] What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?

Robin: A sparrow with a machine gun!

Commissioner Gordon: Yes, of course.

Robin: Gosh, drinking's sure a filthy thing isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes.

Batman: Uh-uh.

[Batman and Robin are running to the United World Building]

Robin: Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch, Batman!

Batman: Let's hope that it's a stitch in time, Robin, that saves nine - The nine members of the United World Security Council. Come on.

The Penguin: Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.

[Batman and Robin look at each other]

Robin: Holy costume party. That's the Penguin.

Batman: Obviously.

Robin: What's his game, I wonder.

[Batman turns back to the Penguin]

Batman: What's your game, Penguin?

The Penguin: Penguin?

[laughs]

The Penguin: No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy. Schmidlapp.

Robin: [sees a shark attached to Batman's leg] Holy sardine!

Vice Admiral Fangschliester: ...to some chap named P.N. Guin.

Batman: P.N. Guin...

Robin: Penguin!

Robin: When you think, Batman, with those four supercrooks hangin' around, it's amazing somebody hasn't already reported this place to the police!

Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

Robin: [pointing toward the sky] That crazy missile! It wrote two more riddles before it blew up!

Batman: [reading a skywritten message] "What goes up white and comes down yellow and white?"

Robin: An egg!

Batman: [reading another skywritten message] "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?"

Robin: Make applesauce!

Batman: [thinking out loud] Apples into applesauce - A unification into one smooth mixture. An egg - nature's perfect container. The container of all our hopes for the future.

Robin: A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!

Batman: Precisely, Robin! And there's a special meeting of the Security Council today. If what I fear is true...

Robin: Wow! Let's commandeer a taxi!

Batman: No, Robin. Not at this time of day. Luckily, we're in tip-top condition. It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!

Robin: [seeing the villains fly off on the Penguin's jet pack umbrellas] Holy Halloween!

Robin: Are you sure you didn't hurt your head in that fight, Batman?

Batman: I'm sure. Here, swallow this pill.

Robin: Thanks.

Robin: Holy heart failure.

Robin: Holy Long John Silver!

Robin: It looks bad, Batman. This brassy bird has us buffaloed.

Robin: Holy polaris!

The Catwoman: [to Batman, posing as Kitka] If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?

Commissioner Gordon: Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?

Chief O'Hara: The woman must be mad!

Batman: Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.

The Catwoman: Impossible?

Batman: Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.

Commissioner Gordon: Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.

Chief O'Hara: Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.

Robin: In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.

The Catwoman: But your so curious costumes...

Robin: Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.

The Catwoman: You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?

Commissioner Gordon: Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.

Robin: Support your police! That's our message!

Batman: Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.

Robin: Holy bikini!

Robin: Holy demolition!

Alfred: Bless my dustpan!

Commissioner Gordon: A fine job, Batman. You allayed their fears magnificently.

Batman: What else could I have done, Commissioner? If I told the truth, panic will grip the city.

Chief O'Hara: The truth. Sure, and what is the truth?

Batman: A decoy. A strange anonymous warning that Commodore Schmidlapp is in danger, to lure me into a trap.

Commissioner Gordon: A fiendish attempt on Batman's life.

Chief O'Hara: You mean, when they were luring you to a watery grave, the commodore's yacht has been hijacked in some places?

Batman: Precisely.

Commissioner Gordon: And who behind it? Not a clue.

Batman: Tell me, Commissioner: What known supercriminals are at large just now?

Commissioner Gordon: I'll check at once, Batman. Bonnie, let's have the latest status report on supercriminals still at large.

Bonnie: Yes, Commissioner.

Commissioner Gordon: Thank you, Bonnie. Coming up, Batman, on the closed-circuit TV screen. Come over here.

[the quartet move to the closed-circuit TV screen on the wall]

Closed Circuit TV Screen: Status report. Known supercriminals not currently imprisoned.

Batman: The Penguin.

Commissioner Gordon: That pompous, waddling master of foul play, maestro a million criminal umbrellas.

Robin: The Joker.

Chief O'Hara: Devilish clown prince of crime! Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time he's baffled us!

Commissioner Gordon: What, the Riddler loose too?

Batman: So it seems. Loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.

Robin: Gosh! And the Catwoman!

Closed Circuit TV Screen: End of status report.

Robin: Holy horseshoe!

Robin: Holy jumble! Where's the hope of the world now?

Robin: If you use an emoji, I will tit punch you.

Robin: It's like Gandalf is staring right at me. "No penis shall pass!"

Alice: Do you want to go see the Rockefeller tree?

Robin: No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples are visiting from Italy, and they want to know all about American Christmas traditions like us sitting on their faces.

Robin: There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at Princeton. Oh, and the short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell.

Alvy Singer: Yeah? Two more chairs they got a dining room set.

Alvy Singer: I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for "Dysentery."

Robin: "Commentary."

Alvy Singer: Oh really? I had heard that "Commentary" and "Dissent" had merged and formed "Dysentery."

Robin: Oh, my God. You're just a boy. I'm sorry I... I don't date boys.

Robin: Mark, what is it?

Mark Kendall: [after witnessing about being invisible in a mirror] Look! I'm not there! Look! I swear I wasn't there a minute ago. It was that woman.

Robin: The one who bit your buttons?

Mark Kendall: I think she is a vampire and I think she has turned me into one.

Robin: Turning you into a vampire?

Mark Kendall: That's why I couldn't see myself. Vampires don't have a reflection.

Robin: Could one of these lady vampires actually bite a guy? You know, like a teenage guy?

Bookseller: Well how old would he be?

Robin: Like, 18.

Bookseller: Well I seriously doubt it. You see the female vampire needs the blood of a virgin, and an 18-year-old boy would hardly be a virgin, now would he?

Robin: Well just hypothetically, what if he was a virgin?

Bookseller: Well then I think he has a lot bigger problems to worry about than female vampires.

[chuckles]

Therman: Now tell us, Barry, why did your wife leave? Spit it out of your mouth. Say it. Say it, boy.

Barry: I lost her clitoris!

Robin: You lost her clitoris?

Barry: She got mad because I couldn't find it, and I said 'It's probably in your purse,' because nine times out of 10 when she loses something, that's where they end up.

Robin: Barry, do you even know what that is?

Barry: I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is.

Therman: Don't worry Barry. I found it. It was in her purse. It was in her naughty purse.

Robin: Wow. Well thank God somebody found it, right?

Barry: I thought I found it under the couch. Turns out it was just an old piece of chewing gum.

[Larry answers the door]

Larry Gigli: Yeah?

Robin: Who the fuck are you?

Larry Gigli: Who the fuck are *you*?

[Robin enters the apartment]

Larry Gigli: Excuse me.

Robin: What a shithole.

Larry Gigli: Lady, I think you're in the wrong place.

Robin: No, you're in the wrong place! You have no idea.

[She sees Brian]

Robin: Oh, and who the fuck are you?

Brian: You're the fuck are you.

Robin: What?

Brian: Huh?

[Robin has just announced that her husband is buying Ben's Red Sox tickets. Lindsey asks whether she means for just that day]

Robin: No, I mean like forever. For $125,000, it better be forever.

Sarah: Are you guys that rich?

Robin: Yeah.

Sarah: Why don't you dress better?

[at the gym, Lindsey and Robin are wearing boxing gloves and are hitting punching-bags]

Robin: You know what's happening here? You're being colonized.

Lindsey Meeks: What?

Robin: Colonized. It's like in the old days, when the French and the English would go into Asia and Africa, and they'd raise their flags, and they'd impose their culture, and they'd colonize. It's like, Sarah, when you cut your hair 'cause that guy liked short hair.

[Sarah rolls her eyes]

Lindsey Meeks: Well, wait a minute. You guys are married. Isn't that a part of it? Accommodating each other? You know: How many kids are we gonna have? Where are we gonna live? What pizza place are we gonna order from? Doesn't it require some pliability? Because maybe that's something that I've been lacking in my life.

Robin: [implacably] Isn't it affecting your work?

Lindsey Meeks: No. Not so much.

Molly: You know what I just realized? You're rooting for her relationship to fail.

Sarah: No.

Robin: What? That's right, why would I do that?

Molly: Never mind.

Robin: No. No, come on, tell me.

Molly: All right. You and Lindsey are both very competitive. Especially with each other.

Robin: She's more competitive than I am!

Lindsey Meeks: I am not!

Molly: And when you were both starting out, you were the more successful one. But now Lindsey's career has skyrocketed, and she's more successful. But you've had the personal success, the marriage. And if Lindsey gets that too, then she's definitely the winner, so you're rooting against her.

[Robin socks Molly in the face]

Robin: Did you sleep with her?

Harper Stewart: No.

Robin: But you were going to. You wanted to.

[sighs]

Robin: I am so disappointed in you. I know you feel like shit now, but I'm not going to lie to you. You compromised yourself, our relationship, and Lance and Mia's.

Harper Stewart: I know. I know.

Robin: [sighs] I'm glad you told me. At least now I know where I stand with you.

Robin: No. Baby, you know that is not true.

Robin: [Sharply] Don't! I may not be perfect, but I'm strong. I hope you can make this right. The wedding starts soon.

Harper Stewart: How? I've been looking all over for Lance and I can't find him. And even if I was to find him, how am I supposed to convince him to get married?

Robin: I don't know. That's your bag. I have a plane to catch.

Harper Stewart: You know what your problem is? You don't live enough for today.

Robin: What?

Harper Stewart: For once just live in the moment.

[he gets down on one knee and takes her hand]

Robin: Uhh, Harper, what are you doing?

Harper Stewart: At least for a little while. Robin, will you marry me? I love you.

[Robin stares at him]

Harper Stewart: Please?

Robin: [she nods] Yeah. Whatever, man.

Carrie: Danger!

Dan: What?

Robin: What?

Carrie: Whit has a twin brother called Sly, he's the one that's been here the last two days.

Dan: What?

Robin: What "what"?

Carrie: Sly and Whit got switched at the mall, and Dr. Kinder kept Whit in her secret lab to experiment on.

Dan: Oh my God!

Robin: What?

Dan: She says Elana's got a secret lab, I don't believe this, Whit and Sly got switched at the mall!

Robin: What? Who's Sly?

Carrie: She's getting rid of the lab, and moving the babies to Liechtenstein.

Dan: Liechtenstein? Oh my God!

Robin: [seeing Dickie's new look] You look like Mt. Pepto Bismol erupted.

Robin: We're late!

Lenny: Uhoh! They're late! They're late for a very important date! Your mom and dad are off to save the farm, hip hip hooray!

Robin: 911? You know that Babyco. building? There's a bomb in there! And we're going to blow those little suckers to Venus!

[hangs up]

Robin: You wanted cops, you got cops.

Lenny: Diaper Rodeo! Diaper Rodeo! Diaper Rodeo!

Margo: Okay! On your mark! Get Ready! Get Set! Go!

Robin: [Robin and Dan are competing to see who can change a diaper faster. Robin is talking to Carrie] Hold still sweetie, just hold still!

Sly: [laughing] Oh no! There goes old faithful!

Dan: Ahhh, sprang a leak!

Robin: [finishes] TIME!

Dan: Oh no! i had a leak here, i also had an injury, a rotator cup injury-rotator cup!

Robin: A young girl with a body like that.When she's through with him they'll be nothing left but a smile and an old hat.

Robin: Danny, I love you and I believe in you. But isn't everything you're telling me a big crock of bubbling shit?

[Daniel, angry, throws a bowling ball out a window]

Robin: You hit a car! You could've killed somebody!

Daniel McTeague: The way I bowl...

Daniel McTeague: Oh, great. Now I'm impotent.

Robin: We just kissed for two seconds?

Daniel McTeague: No, it never takes me this long. Usually we're showering by now!

Robin: He seem nervous to you?

Wayne: Couldn't pull a pin out of his ass with a tractor.

Massarelli, Prosecuting Attorney: Are you a lesbian too, Ms. Nickerson?

Robin: No sir but at times I understand the inclination.

Jane: ...Do you miss it?

Robin: What?

Jane: Sex.

Robin: Yeah, I do... You know what's weird? You never know the last time you sleep with somebody it's the last time. You're thinking: "Oh, we got problems, we got work to do," you know, but you never think... and then you break up and a month later you look back and you go: "Oh, that was it." That Tuesday or Friday or whenever, and you wished you paid attention because it was the last time... Well.

Robin: But this person who dumped her, she was gay, right?

Holly: Yeah, but even with gay girls there are no guarantees. They're very emotional. That's about all I know. They love uniforms and don't break their hearts.

Robin: Uniforms?

Holly: Oh, yeah, all kinds. Especially UPS.

Holly: [while Abe munches on his cob of corn] See this is her old problem. She creates a situation where she gets this rejection that everyone else sees coming.

Robin: She just wasn't being honest.

Holly: Well, I think it's a black thing too.

Elaine: [more shocked] Jane is black?

Abe: [mouth full of corn from his cob] Yes, Ma'am. She sure is.

Robin: And you can't live a lie. You just can't.

Holly: [glancing at Abe] Well, there's lying and then there's... just not telling.

[Munching on his cob of corn, Abe glances up at her]

Robin: Big diff.

Elaine: She's a black Lesbian?

Abe: [mouth full of corn from his cob] Yes, Ma'am. That is right.

Elaine: [looking at Robin] And she was living here? With you?

Holly: No, no, no no, no no. She was just living here. They weren't like fucking or anything.

[Elaine gasps; Robin rolls her eyes. Abe laughs, nearly choking on his corn]

Holly: [seeing Robin's expression and reconsidering] Were you?

Elaine: [shocked] Were you?

Abe: [eager] Were you?

Robin: [indignantly disregarding them] Ah - I'll get the coffee.

Robin: Don't you knock?

Jane: Not in a public toilet, no.

Holly: Anyway, uhm... Jane called me at work, wanted to know how you are.

Robin: I'm fine.

Elaine: Who's Jane?

Abe: [mouth full of corn from his cob] Jane used to live here up until a few days ago.

Robin: You stay out of this, Holly. It's between me and Jane.

Holly: Well, she asked for my advice, so I told her she's anti-Lesbian.

Robin: I am not.

Elaine: [shocked] Who's a Lesbian?

Robin: Jane is.

Elaine: [shocked] And she was living here?

Abe: Yes, Ma'am.

Robin: [indignant] I am not 'anti-Lesbian'!

Holly: Not you, her.

Elaine: Who?

Robin: Jane.

Robin: I don't know what it is but there's something that goes on between women. You men know that because it's the same for you. I'm not saying one sex is better then the other. I'm just saying, like speaks to like. Love or whatever doesn't always keep. So you found out what does, if you're lucky.

Robin: I mean, I know it's a lot of money to you, but, I mean... but you don't have my degrees.

Robin: [Asking about Ned's home situation] Two kids?

Robin: Three. My father-in-law's the youngest.

[on the beach, Nicholas gets chatting to Lily, Robin reacts with jealousy]

Robin: Come along, Nicholas, you promised to help me do my hair.

Nicholas: Oh, push off!

Andy: To the last hurrah. I can't tell you how jazzed I am. I don't care about the pay cut. Do you know how long we can live off top Ramen?

Robin: Ten cockroaches can live a year off a single postage stamp

Andy: Exactly. We'll be like the cockroaches. Totally unencumbered. I don't need that big apartment.

Robin: Andy, I think you missed the point of my little cockroach factoid. I don't want any part of your poverty experiment.

Andy: So you don't want anything to do with me without my huge salary?

Robin: Would you want anything to do with me without the saline twins?

[Gets up from table and starts to leave]

Robin: Just drop my diaphragm in the mail.

Busboy: The twins are awesome!

The Player: I can't believe the cellulite they let in here these days. My man Blumberg's gotta come down on ass like they did on cigarettes.

Robin: I agree. I hate fat chicks!

Mica: Hey, me too.

The Player: To bulimia!

Robin: If you ride like lightning, you're going to crash like thunder.

Robin: you are standing right where your Dad used to stand and we used to talk. He was a good guy, your Dad.

[Jason picks up some sunglasses]

Robin: Oh wow. Yeah, those glasses. I haven't seen them in a long time, they're his, those goofy glasses.

Jason: These were his?

Robin: Yeah. You keep those. He would have wanted you to have them.

Jason: Was he good at anything?

Robin: Yeah. He was the best motorcycle rider I've ever seen in my life. Best.

Jason: Yeah?

Robin: Best. Never seen another one like him. Best.

Jason: You guys good friends?

Robin: Yeah I think we were.

Jason: You still got his bike?

Robin: [shakes his head] No, his bike's gone. Police took it. I think they cut it up. They're angry with him, I know that. They're real mad with him.

Robin: [Robin sees Jason holding Luke's old glasses] Why don't you put the glasses on?

Jason: [shyly] Nah...

Robin: For sure! He would have said they were left there for you. No doubt. Put them on if you want. Go on. Put em' on.

Jason: Yeah?

Robin: C'mon, I'll tell you.

[Jason puts them on and Robin smiles]

Robin: Yeah. Yeah!

Jason: [smiling] Yeah?

Robin: Yeah! You're callin' him back!

Robin: [Passes Jason a newspaper clipping and points to a photo] That guy's your Dad. That's him there.

[Robin points to another photo]

Robin: And that's the pig there, the one that pegged him.

Jason: What happened to him?

Robin: Who, the cop? Forget about him man. Don't start there, I'll show you good things. I'll show you good things...

Robin: You're callin' him back!

Robin: Got a kid? You wanna provide for that kid? You want to edge out your competition? You gotta do that using your skill set. And your skill set? Very unique.

Robin: I'm not gonna let you bring us both down.

Robin: What kind of mother can't stand her own son?

George: You're the most beautiful woman I have ever known.

Robin: What?

George: Not just physically. Even your anger's perfect.

George: When does school let out?

Robin: Friday. Tomorrow. Oh, God. I hate the thought of him home all day.

George: I'll be by Saturday to pick him up.

Robin: He doesn't want to spend the weekends with you anymore.

George: Not for the weekend. For the summer.

Robin: One of you would end up dead.

George: Yeah, but at least we have a house to show for it.

Robin: Forget it, really. I'll survive.

Robin: Oh, I dreamed about your house last night.

George: Finished or unfinished?

Robin: It was perfect George. Amazing

George: Didn't you once dream that you could lick people well?

George: Tell them how you made me fall in love with you.

Robin: I smiled at him.

George: Watch out for the smile boys.

Robin: I wish you'd talk to him. He needs a man.

Peter Kimball: His father's a man.

Robin: A man he respects.

Peter Kimball: He respects nothing.

Sam: [Sam just then comes into the room] Thanks for talking about me behind my back. It's useful in court.

Robin: You are inconsiderate and absolutely devoid of emotion.

George: You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever known.

Robin: [Taken aback] What?

George: I don't mean just physically. Even your anger is perfect.

Morris Day: Jerome... Please tell this woman her account's overdrawn at my bank.

Jerome: Robin, stop asking for so much money!

Robin: Stop asking for money? Boy, I own a part of this joint! If it weren't for my daddy's money, y'all niggas would still be shootin' dice down at the Glam Slam! Shit, you've got some nerve talkin'...

Morris Day: Robin... Honey... Sweetheart... Baby, please! You see this?

[turns and aims his rear end to Robin, patting it twice]

Morris Day: Take a week off and kiss it all!

[last lines]

Robin: Morris... turn out the lights.

Robin: So what's up with you and this half-and-half bitch? Am I number one, or number two? Tell me now, 'cause I really don't have time for this shit!

Morris Day: You better put some treble on that tone, or you're gonna be pullin' some Stacy Adams out yo' ass!

Tommy: She said she didn't want me to wear clothes like this in her class. So I took 'em off.

Robin: You didn't.

Tommy: Yah, right down to my underwear. Miss Bukowski turned this really neat shade of purple. It was kind of artistic.

Robin: For me, when I'm out there tumbling across those mats, I change. It's like a whole other kind of world. Someplace... better. When that happens, it's like nothing can touch me. I guess that's how birds feel when they're flying.

Robin, Seema: Dil me aai hai jo baat kahon to bolu re... Words that are in my heart, may I say them?

Robin: So he says, "Let me see your I.D." and I'm like, "I left it at home." And he goes, "You have to go and get it." So I said, "Okay," and I left.

[after having sex]

David: I'm hungry.

Robin: How romantic.

David: You know what I like about you?

Robin: What?

David: You hardly sweat at all.

Nia: You brought the flashlight of your deceased friend to the haunted forest where he mysteriously died? That's not a rational decision

Robin: Yeah, well hey, neither is fingering yourself to The Grinch, but here we are.

Sully: Hey guys, do you think we can do the interview now?

Rick: Yeah, uh... so what are we doing again?

Sully: You know, I just graduated from film school and wanted to make a documentary, and I thought this would be an interesting story.

Bun: This won't be a bad story, will it?

Sully: Oh no, it's not bad at all.

Bun: Good. The last person that did a bad story on us was found with a sword in her like Joan of Arc.

Robin: I thought Joan of Arc was burned at the stake?

Tom: No, I'm pretty sure she was accused of being a witch and drowned.

Bun: No, I think that was Alice Cooper.

Robin: Why do we have to sing two of your songs and only the one of mine? It's not particulalry fair is it?

Andy: For God's sake Rob mate it's not a competition, we're here to impress.

Robin: Sounds like a competition to me!

Lynne: Master...

[Lynne climbs down from a stage and rushes to Jesus. Gilmer, Robin, Joanne, Jeffrey, Merrell, Jerry and Katie follow]

Lynne: Master! Blessed are the poor in Spirit...

Jesus: For theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Gilmer: Blessed are they who mourn...

Jesus: For they shall be comforted.

Robin: Blessed are the meek...

Jesus: For they shall inherit the Earth.

Joanne: Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice...

Jesus: For the shall be filled.

Jeffrey: Blessed are the merciful...

Jesus: For they shall have mercy.

Merrell: Blessed are the pure in heart...

Jesus: For they shall see God.

Jerry: Blessed are the peace-makers...

Jesus: For they shall be called the children of God.

Katie: Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake...

Jesus: For theirs is the Kingdom of *heaven*!

[the others applaud]

Judas: [shouting from the distant stage] Blessed are ye... When men shall persecute you and revile you... and say all manner of evil against you...

[pauses then calms down]

Judas: falsely.

Gilmer: [in a southern accent] Well, the other servants were deeply distressed when they saw what had happened. Are you sitting down? They ran and told their master the whole story, mm-hmm.

Robin: DAAAAH!

Gilmer: Accordingly he sent for the man.

Robin: You scoundrel!

Gilmer: He said to him!

Robin: I remitted the whole of your debt when you appealed unto me. Were you not bound to show your fellow servant the same pity I showed to you?

Jerry: And so angry was the master that he condemned the man to torture, until he could pay the debt in full.

Jesus: And that is how my Heavenly Father will deal with you, unless you forgive your brothers from you hearts.

Robin: [singing] Day by day, day by day, oh Dear Lord, three things I pray, to see Thee more clearly, love Thee more dearly, follow Thee more nearly, day by day.

Judas: One day the poor man died and was carried away by the angels to be with Abraham. The rich man also died and was buried and sent to Hades.

Robin: [nervously] Hello.

Demons: Hello.

Judas: Where he was in torment.

Sally: Robin, come on. You encourage him. I would think that you'd be appalled.

Robin: Why? Why?

Sally: I don't know. I mean, he's got to be breaking some kind of feminist ethic or something.

Robin: Nope.

Sally: A spiritual ethic?

Robin: Mm-mn.

Sally: A social ethic.

Robin: No.

Sally: Definitely a gay ethic.

Robin: Sally, he sex-talk-fucked a supermodel into coming without touching her, in his kitchen. If anything he's up for an award.

Robin: Nick and I have our problems but we've been together for ten years, and you know why? Cause in spite of it all we love each other for exactly who we are, no ones pretending to be something they're not. That's how successful relationships work in the real world,Samantha; you should try it some time.

Robin: Art, fart!