Roberta Quotes in Ghost World (2001)

Roberta: [after showing her weird short film to her art class] That piece is entitled "Mirror, Father, Mirror". I like to show it to people that I'm meeting for the first time because I think it says so much about who I am and what it feels like to inhabit my specific skin.

Roberta: [looking at a drawing of a man smashing another man's head in with a sledgehammer] What can you tell us about your piece, er... Phillip?

Phillip: Er... it's about The Mutilator.

Roberta: [smiling] My goodness!

Phillip: It's a really great video game about a guy who kills people with a big hammer.

Roberta: Oh. I thought maybe this was supposed to be your father.

[she gives a little laugh. Phillip looks confused]

Roberta: [in Art Class, the teacher is asking about their homework: create a piece of art that responds to something you have strong feelings about. She spots a wire sculpture made from two coathangers] Who is responsible for this?

Margaret - Art Class: I am.

Roberta: Talk to us about it.

Margaret - Art Class: It's my response to the issue of a woman's right to choose. It's something I feel super-strongly about.

Roberta: [pertaining to the price tag gun] You are really good with that thing! Took me weeks to get the hang of it.

Tibby: Yeah, well, we all have our special talents.

[shoots sticker onto forehead]

Roberta: I mean, I had mine removed surgically under general anesthesia. But to have it bitten off in a Buick...

Jenny Fields: It's lust!

Roberta: [telling Garp he cannot go to his mother's feminist memorial] They're not going to allow any men. A man *killed* her! They're very *upset*!

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: [to Roberta] Hey you! Dildo. Is this the nut house where you're keeping my Laurel?

Roberta: Laurel's here but we're not exactly keeping her.

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: Bullshit, ya big dyke.

Roberta: I'm not a dyke. Is Laurel expecting you?

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: I'll kill you douchebag.

Roberta: That's all you men understand is violence.

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: Now look. I know what sort of freaks hang around here. It's a big lesbian scene.

[Garp walks on to porch]

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: Ooooh, oooh, what are you the man of the house or the court eunuch. Laurel, you in there you bitch!

Jenny Fields: Hello.

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: Oh, I know who you are. My Laurel's not your type sweetie.

Jenny Fields: Perhaps she's not your type either.

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: Listen, goddammit. If you don't get Laurel's ass out here I'm gonna...

[Randy is knocked down by Roberta]

Laurel - Dog's Head Mansion: Randy!

Jenny Fields: Are you alright?

Laurel - Dog's Head Mansion: Baby, you found me.

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: Oh, I don't think I can drive the fuckin' car.

Laurel - Dog's Head Mansion: That's alright. I can drive you just never let me.

[to Jenny]

Laurel - Dog's Head Mansion: I guess Randy needs me.

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: Easy!

[In pain as Laurel helps him to the car]

Laurel - Dog's Head Mansion: Sorry baby, I'm sorry.

Randy - Dog's Head Mansion: Crazy dyke blind-sided me.

[Roberta gets up, slams the record player shut and starts pacing back in forth in anger]

Chrissy: Roberta it's ok

Roberta: NO IT'S NOT OK! It's not OK! Why did they have to die? Why did SHE have to die? My dad lied to me he said that this BEAUTIFUL angel swooped down to earth and he carried her away... BEFORE SHE HAD A SECOND TO FEEL ANY PAIN! Why did she have to die? Why did he have to lie to me? He's all I have left and he lied...

Roberta: ...Perky breasts!

Chrissy: Roberta, you know I don't like it when you swear.

Roberta: Chrissy, breast is not a dirty word.

Chrissy: I can't hear you.

Roberta: Breast.

Chrissy: Can't hear you.

Roberta: Breast.

Chrissy: Can't hear you.

Roberta: BREAST!

Teeny: Roberta, truth or dare?

Roberta: Truth.

Teeny: Just how big are your boobs now?

Roberta: Drop dead.

Teeny: She has to say, doesn't she, Sam?

Young Samantha Albertson: She doesn't have to say if she doesn't want to.

Teeny: Then can we see them?

Roberta: No, you can't see them!

Teeny: I don't have any real ones yet.

Roberta: Well, you'll get them, and you'll hate them.

Teeny: No, you're lucky, Roberta. Men love them when they're big. Look how big mine are today.

Young Samantha Albertson: They almost look real.

Teeny: They're filled with pudding.

Young Samantha Albertson: Pudding?

Teeny: The Wormers actually gave me the idea. Jello is too jiggly. Pudding has a heavier, more realistic texture.

Chrissy: What flavor is it?

Teeny: It's vanilla.

[Blushes]

Chrissy: It's not very big.

Roberta: It's only big when a guy has a hard on.

Teeny: And when that happens, they get this big.

Chrissy: What's a hard on?

Samantha: Doesn't your mother tell you anything?

Chrissy: I'm beginning to think she's been misinformed.

Roberta: I think you'll make a great mum Chrissy, a little overbearing and rigid, but by the grace of God the kid will come out relativity unharmed, if not there's always therapy.

Samantha: This whole baby thing baffles me, I mean you have it, you raise it, you inevitably screw it up, it resents you, feels guilty for resenting you and then it has a baby, which only perpetuates the vicious cycle.

Roberta: Thank you, Oscar The Grouch.

Roberta: Scott?

Scott: Yeah?

Roberta: If you tell anyone about this, especially your brothers, I'll beat the shit out of you.

Scott: Uh, Roberta, canIkissyou?

Roberta: What are you mumbling?

Scott: Uh, would it be all right... can I kiss you?

Scott: Roberta?

Roberta: What?

Scott: Why do you think we fight all the time?

Roberta: Just something to do, I guess. Why?

Scott: 'Cause... 'cause I think you are a real nice girl.

Roberta: I always thought you hated me.

Scott: So did I...

Chrissy: I say we make a pact. Here and now. We're here for each other, always, no matter what happens in life. If Teeny goes off to Hollywood or I marry a rich doctor, we remember this day and this pact. Whenever we need a friend, we're here for each other. We can count on it. Always. No matter what.

Young Samantha Albertson: It's a pact.

Chrissy: All for one...

Chrissy, Teeny, Roberta, Young Samantha Albertson: And one for all.

Teeny: Roberta, truth or dare?

Roberta: "Truth.

Teeny: Just how big are your boobs nows?

Roberta: Well just how big are your boobs?

Teeny: 36D and worth every penny.

Roberta: D, who knew?

Roberta: You can't get pregnant from french-kissing!

Chrissy: I know that, beetle-brain, but it's common knowledge that if you tongue-kiss a boy, he automatically thinks you'll do the deed with him. They can't help it. They're driven. It's the male curse.

Samantha: Oh? And what deed would that be?

Chrissy: You know... planting the seed and watering the flower. Isn't that how it works?... The man takes his watering can and sprinkles it on the flower.

Teeny: Oh, my God.

Roberta: What?

Teeny: I saw his penis.

Roberta, Chrissy, Young Samantha Albertson: Whose?

Teeny: And the balls.

Chrissy: You guys!

Teeny: Scott's.

Roberta, Young Samantha Albertson: Oh, my God!

Samantha: If you don't fall in love, you can't get hurt.

Roberta: But it sure is lonely all by yourself.

[after Roberta punches Chrissy in the arm]

Chrissy: Ow! That hurt.

Roberta: Yea, well, you deserved it fart-ass!

Gary: Are you a lesbian? Leslie says that nine out of ten prostitutes are lesbians.

Roberta: Gary, you're not listening to me. I'm not a prostitute or a lesbian!

Gary: What are you wearing?

Roberta: A jacket. It used to belong to Jimi Hendrix.

Gary: You bought a used jacket? What are we, poor?

Roberta: Here it is, a message from Jim.

[Reading from newspaper]

Roberta: "Desperately seeking Susan. Meet me, four o'clock, Battery Park. Keep the faith. Love, Jim."

Leslie: Jim? Susan? Do you know these people?

Roberta: They send messages through the personal ads, that's how they hook up. Last year she was in Mexico City, then Los Angeles, now New York. Desperate. I love that word.

Leslie: Everybody I know is desperate, except for you.

Roberta: I'm desperate.

Leslie: Ha!

Roberta: Well, sort of.

Dez: Some guy grabbed you?

Roberta: Yes, he was after me. Well, not me exactly. He was after Susan, who he thinks I am, but I'm not!

Neil: Hi mom, I'm a little busy right now.

Roberta: That's funny, because I wasn't too busy to give birth to you 28 years ago.

Leah: Would you like to share something personal with the crew? Robert... Uh... Ro-berta.

Roberta: Personal?

Leah: Mm.

Roberta: Well, uh, my name is Roberta, and... I'm addicted to porn and I masturbate constantly.

[silence - the sorority sisters stare at him]

Roberta: Pillow fight! Pillow fight!

Adina: [noticing a sticky substance on the seat of his skirt] Ah. That's weird.

"Roberta": What the hell is on your skirt, man?

Adina: Uh... gum, or something.

"Roberta": Oh yeah, what flavor was it? Big fat juicy cock?

Katie: [shouts] I am not deaf!

Roberta: We should all be so lucky.

Roberta: [pulling hair out of sink] It's a fuckin' Wookie, man!

[imitating Wookie roar]

Roberta: Gotta peel the banana before you can eat it!

Roberta: When all you titled aristocrats get jobs, maybe Europe can settle down to a few years peace.

Lord Delves: This John from America, who is he?

Roberta: My nephew! I met him when I was there a few years ago and took a great fancy to him. He's quite famous in his way. All-American half-back or three-quarters back or something.

Lord Delves: Really?

Roberta: Yes! You know it's queer, but, when you happen to like your relatives, you like them better than other people.

Roberta: I like him, Henry. He's like a big, affectionate, blundering Newfoundland dog.

John Kent: Nice old duck, isn't he?

Roberta: Well, he isn't so terribly old.

John Kent: Oh, I didn't mean in years, Aunt Minnie. I meant I like him.

Roberta: Do you? Then, you're a good judge of men.

Roberta: Now, tell me about this young lady you wrote me about. What was her name?

John Kent: Eh, Sophie. She's given me the air.

Roberta: What?

John Kent: We had a row.

Roberta: Oh, I thought she'd given you an heir.

Roberta: They do that rather prettily.

Roberta: She's the rage here, right now. She's got the best figure in Europe and she has to have a dress - at least partly.

Stephanie: I'm afraid she intends to start her screaming.

Roberta: If she does, stick a pin in her.

Stephanie: I'd rather use an ice pick!

Roberta: Where is Scharwenka?

Stephanie: On his neck!

Roberta: Oh, I see. Does he like it?

Stephanie: Not particularly. But, I don't hear him shouting for help!

Roberta: Scharwenka! Do you think she'd do something for my nephew if he asked her?

Stephanie: I don't think he'll even have to ask her.

Lizzie Gatz. alias Countess Scharwenka: These Americans are, what you call, eh, fresh guys!

Roberta: No, no, no! Refreshing!

Lizzie Gatz. alias Countess Scharwenka: Oh, mais oui, refreshing, pardon, Monsieur.

Huckleberry Haines: No, poof. It is nothing - toots!

Roberta: Oh, Ladislaw, I hope you're in good finger today.

Roberta: Ladislaw is our doorman and a Prince.

John Kent: A Prince? Your doorman?

Roberta: A Russian Prince. If there were such a thing as a restoration, Ladislaw would be in line for the throne.

Roberta: I've said goodbye before to people I love.

Jim Bennett: Yeah, whatever did happen to Dad?

Roberta: What will they do to you if you don't pay?

Jim Bennett: [nonchalantly] Break every bone in my body.

[she immediately slaps him in the face]

Roberta: You actually came to see me without any of your baby-pimps? Wow. How do I rate that honor?

Skipper Todd: I just loved your performance at the pool.

Roberta: So, you're the one who rides the dune buggy and "services" the little girls huh?

Skipper Todd: Oh yes... and speaking of little girls, how old are you?

Roberta: 16. Just about your speed too, isn't it?

Skipper Todd: Ha-ha! It's a good age. It's a little over the hill these days, but it will do.

Roberta: How old are you?

Skipper Todd: 23

Roberta: Why don't you do something besides hang around the pool.

Skipper Todd: I'm a songwriter. I'm gonna immortalized all of us here.

Roberta: Wanna drink?

Skipper Todd: Uh... sure.

Roberta: It's interesting what turns on the little girls. What do you think it is? Is it because you're a creep? Or is it because you're dangerous?

Skipper Todd: It's some of each.

Roberta: Sue Ellen's mom's goes around saying you are responsible for her disappearance.

Skipper Todd: What do you think?

Roberta: I wouldn't be surprised.

Skipper Todd: I'll do everything I can to keep up the surprises... When we gonna "make it"?

Roberta: Who said we were?

Skipper Todd: Oh don't punish me. they are a lot of guys who said they had the privlegdge... unless of course they've been lying... Your parents home?

Skipper Todd: Back any minute.

Skipper Todd: Well... you can always catch me at the renaissance...

Roberta: I know.