Robert Quotes in The Magnificent Seven (1960)

Chamlee: I don't like it, no sir. I've always treated every man the same: just as another, future customer.

Henry: Well in that case, get that hearse rolling.

Chamlee: I can't, my driver's quit!

Robert: He's prejudiced too, huh?

Chamlee: Well, when it comes to a chance of getting his head blown off, he's downright bigoted.

Chamlee: There's an element in town that objects.

Henry: Objects? Objects to what?

Chamlee: They say he isn't fit to be buried there.

Robert: What? In Boot Hill?

Henry: Why, there's nothing up there but murderous cutthroats and derelict old barflies, and if they ever felt exclusive brother, they're past it now.

Robert: You assholes do exactly as I say, or I will take you outside and fuck you in the street!

Dale Denton: No! Don't fuck us anywhere!

Robert: Angie, you're a fucking idiot. I say that with love.

Robert: [after shooting at Dale and Saul in the Kitchen] You assholes do exactly as I say or I will take you outside and FUCK you in the street!

Robert: Are you high?

Dale Denton: What? No!

Shannon: You are high as a fucking kite!

Robert: [at dinner, after Dale told everyone he witnessed a murder] Angie, I swear, you do something or I'm gonna...

Dale Denton: What? No! No, don't let him gonna! No, don't wanna!

Robert: Get the FUCK out of my car, I can't believe you'd even think that would be an option.

Saul: We gotta get away from the bad guys!

Dale Denton: No, no, he's right. Come on, let's go.

[Dale and Saul start to get out of the car]

Saul: The hell?

Robert: [at dinner] What the hell happened to you?

Dale Denton: Nothing, I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here!

Robert: You're all dirty and bleeding.

Dale Denton: No I'm not, I'm here for dinner.

Shannon: You have scratches on your forehead...

Robert: Dude, you smell like shit.

Angie Anderson: Dale, what happened to you?

Dale Denton: I was in the woods!

Shannon: In the woods?

Dale Denton: Yeah, isn't that weird? I was... I was in the woods!

Shannon: What were you doing in the woods?

Dale Denton: I bird... watch... I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder. Ok? I saw someone murder... someone else.

[the first place Daryl looks for the tech equipment is under the couch]

Robert: Dude, they're not gonna keep their uber box under the friggin' couch!

Daryl Jenkins: How do you know?

Robert: It's a vital piece of military equipment, not your porn stash.

[the group just ate stolen Subway]

Daryl Jenkins: Oh, ho, I missed this.

Julie: You know what else I miss? Pizza.

Greg: Toilets that flush.

Daryl Jenkins: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

Robert: Dude, we're living Call of Duty. And it sucks.

Robert: Wolverines!

The Colonel: All that hate's gonna burn you up, kid.

Robert: It keeps me warm.

Col. Andy Tanner: [Describing the invasion] West Coast. East Coast. Down here is Mexico. First wave of the attack came in disguised as commercial charter flights same way they did in Afghanistan in '80. Only they were crack Airborne outfits. Now they took these passes in the Rockies.

Jed Eckert: So that's what hit Calumet.

Col. Andy Tanner: I guess so. They coordinated with selective nuke strikes and the missiles were a helluva lot more accurate than we thought. They took out the silos here in the Dakotas, key points of communication.

Darryl Bates: Like what?

Col. Andy Tanner: Oh, like Omaha, Washington, Kansas City.

Darryl Bates: Gone?

Col. Andy Tanner: Yeah. That's right. Infiltrators came up illegal from Mexico. Cubans mostly. They managed to infiltrate SAC bases in the Midwest, several down in Texas and wreaked a helluva lot of havoc, I'm here to tell you. They opened up the door down here, and the whole Cuban & Nicaraguan armies come walking right through, rolled right up here through the Great Plains.

Robert: How far did they get?

Col. Andy Tanner: Cheyenne, across to Kansas. We held them at the Rockies and the Mississippi. Anyway, the Russians reinforced with 60 divisions. Sent three whole army groups across the Bering Strait into Alaska, cut the pipeline, came across Canada to link up here in the middle, but we stopped their butt cold. The lines have pretty much stabilized now.

Robert: What about Europe?

Col. Andy Tanner: I guess they figured twice in one century was enough. They're sitting this one out. All except England, and they won't last very long.

Jed Eckert: [the Wolverines discover that Daryl has been "bugged" by the Russo-Cubans] Daryl... Where is it? Where is it?

[Jed grabs Daryl, gets in Daryl's face and shouts]

Jed Eckert: GOD-DAMMIT, WHERE'S THE BUG?

Darryl Bates: They made me swallow it.

Matt Eckert: Daryl, what have you done?

Darryl Bates: [nearly in tears] I went into town... and got caught.

Jed Eckert: [shaking him and screeching with rage] YOU WENT AND GOT CAUGHT! WHY?

Darryl Bates: [His voice breaks] You said we couldn't...

Robert: You told them where we were, didn't you? You told them!

Darryl Bates: [sobbing] My father turned me in. Oh God, they do things you can't imagine.

Jed Eckert: [throws him down, growling with rage] AAAAGGHHH! You SON OF A BITCH!

[Robert sawing off a shotgun]

Danny: They were people!

Robert: Yeah, well, so was my dad.

Aardvark: What was it like?

[Robert stops sawing]

Robert: It was good.

[Robert resumes sawing]

Jed Eckert: [at the execution of Daryl Bates and Stepan Gorsky] Do you want blindfolds?

Stepan Gorsky: This violates the Geneva convention.

Jed Eckert: I never heard of it!

Stepan Gorsky: Dogface! I show you how Soviet dies!

Robert: I've seen it before, pal.

Danny: [who is tied up in the distance, with the horses] This isn't happening! Jed, let him go! He was one of us!

Jed Eckert: Shut up, Danny! Shut up!

Robert: He told them where we were!

Jed Eckert: He did. Now get your rifles.

Matt Eckert: *No!*

Jed Eckert: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Matt Eckert: *We're not doing it!*

Stepan Gorsky: [to Daryl] Boy, say at me you are friend, so I will not die alone.

Matt Eckert: What's the difference, Jed?

Robert: I'll do it.

Matt Eckert: Shut up, Robert!

[to Jed]

Matt Eckert: *Tell me what's the difference between us and them!*

Jed Eckert: Because WE *LIVE* HERE!

[kills Stepan; Robert kills Daryl]

Robert: Wolverines!

Col. Andy Tanner: [using a crude diorama, the Wolverines prepare for an assault on the Calumet Drive-In, which is now a Russo-Cuban "Re-education Camp"] All right. Four planes. Cuban bunker, Russian bunker. munitions dump, troop tents. Four machine gun bunkers. Back here by the drive-in screen are your political prisoners. We'll cause a diversion over here... cut holes in the wire here, fire on all these machine gun positions. The B-Group comes across this area in a flanking maneuver... and when you reach this bunker, you lay down grazing fire on this defilade. I think that's pretty simple. Anybody got any questions so far?

Aardvark: What's a "flank?"

Toni: What's a "defilade?"

Robert: What's "grazing fire?"

Col. Andy Tanner: [out loud, to himself] I need a drink.

Mr. Mason: [the Wolverines arrive at the Mason house, where they will be joined by Toni and Erica] We got us some outlaws here.

Jed Eckert: Wow, a house.

Mr. Mason: Go on and find a chair.

Robert: Last time we were in a house was five weeks.

Mr. Mason: You look it.

Jed Eckert: [in the mountains] Matt and I have been coming up to these mountains with our dad our whole lives. We can hunt, we can fish, we can stay up here a long, long time.

Robert: How long, Jed?

[fighters and bombers pass overhead]

Jed Eckert: [indicating the jets above them] Until we don't hear *that* no more.

Erica: [after colonel dies] I'll never love anybody again!

Robert: If you didnt't love anybody, you wouldn't be here right now...

Erica: [to Stepan] Do you speak German?

Matt Eckert: So what if he does? You don't.

Stepan Gorsky: Gorsky, Stepan Yevgenyvitch...!

Robert: NOBODY GIVES A DAMN WHO YOU ARE!

[He and his fellow Wolverines proceed to beat up Stepan]

Danny: [as he and Toni look on] They're gonna hurt him!

Toni: Good!

[the phone rings]

Undersecretary of Defense Daniel Harper: It's for you.

[takes the phone]

Robert: Yeah?

John: [over phone] You've just been erased.

John: Drop your gun.

Robert: What?

John: If you drop your gun now, I promise I won't kill you.

Robert: You know, some people take things for granted, like the ability to chew solid food.

Morehart: This is James Haggarty, our chief of security.

Robert: Hey, you ever done any wetwork?

James Haggerty: Only on three different continents.

Robert: Wow, really? Listen, you wanna impress me, slick? Do your fucking job!

Robert: I want this town locked up so tight, it'll make his balls ache.

Robert: [after John hits him with a concealed throwing knife] John, I can't believe you nailed me with this cheap piece of mail-order shit!

Robert: Turn this thing around.

Pilot: I've got a may-day, I'm trying to keep us in the air!

Robert: I said turn around and take him out now!

John: I work alone, you know that.

Robert: Not today.

Hostage Taker: [while holding a woman at gunpoint] You're early.

Robert: You're late.

[shoots the suspect]

Robert: Gentlemen, keep your eyes open and your assholes puckered.

Robert: Listen, have I given you an evaluation yet.

Deputy Monroe: Evaluation?

Robert: Yeah.

[shoots Monroe]

Robert: A-plus, kid.

[his hands are now bloody]

Robert: Ah man, can somebody get me a wet-nap or something?

Calderon: Hey, who does this guy think he is?

Robert: Who, him? Well, he thinks he's the best guy in the game. I think he's right. Try not to piss him off, okay?

Robert: Alright, I want his face all over this windshield.

[John wakes up from a drug-induced sleep]

Robert: Confused, pal? New York.

John: You're off course.

Robert: No, no we're not. You're gonna take us to her John.

[John reaches for his gun. Robert holds up his gun in a plastic bag]

Robert: You did a very, very bad thing, John. You killed Monroe. Now that makes you the mole.

John: No, that makes you a murderer.

[after blowing up a building with John inside]

Robert: Okay, I think it's safe to say we got him.

Schiff: He's toast.

Calderon: I think we even got the roaches.

Robert: Hey, John? That was good work last night.

John: I had a good teacher.

Robert: Bullshit. You had the best.

Robert: Good morning, gentlemen.

Undersecretary of Defense Daniel Harper: Shut up! You mind telling me what the hell's going on?

Robert: I'll have the situation contained in 24 hours.

Undersecretary of Defense Daniel Harper: Not good enough! The shipment goes down tonight.

Robert: Everything is going as planned. But the first thing we've got to do is cancel that shipment.

Undersecretary of Defense Daniel Harper: And what do you propose we do with 10 tons of assault weaponry that's not supposed to exist?

Robert: I am the eyes and ears of your world, gentlemen, and I'm telling you, there's too much heat.

Undersecretary of Defense Daniel Harper: You don't get it. The money has already changed hands. These are not the type of people you cancel on!

Robert: Listen...

Undersecretary of Defense Daniel Harper: No, you listen! The disk, the girl, the guns. By dawn they don't exist. Are we clear?

Robert: Yes, sir. Crystal.

Robert: Think about it John! You jump, you go through there like shit through a goose!

John: You're right!

[Rips out a seat, throws it out the exit where its sucked into an engine and explodes]

Robert: She's indestructible. She's an English nanny!

Robert: Maybe this crazy dame with the wild body and no brassiere is onto something!

Evil: God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!

Robert: Slugs.

Evil: Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

Evil: When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.

Robert: Uh, understanding of what, Master?

Evil: Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being!

Evil: Suddenly, I feel very, very good.

Robert: Oh, I'm sorry, Master.

Evil: No, it'll pass, it'll pass.

Cartwright: But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress?

[Evil blows him up]

Evil: That's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?

Robert: Because you...

Evil: Shut up, I'm speaking rhetorically.

[first lines]

Daniel Defoe: I am a journalist Robert, I assure you. I have very little interest in your flights of fancy.

Robert: You Daniel Defoe are a writer. It's your destiny as such to bring this remarkable man's story, a story of intense struggle, extraordinary friendship, and undying love to the world.

Kyle: Dad! There's a gorilla in the bathroom!

Robert: Kyle, there is no gorilla in the bathroom.

Kyle: But, Dad...

Robert: Go back to sleep.

Robert: [sees Dunston out the window; shouts] HOLY SHIT!

Mrs. Feldman: [to Mrs. Winthrop] He must really hate the Four Seasons.

Robert: No, no!

Mother: Robert! Robert, wait! Now, Uncle Albert will meet you at the station.

Robert: Do you think he'll have model planes? Fighters, like the ones Dad will be flying?

Mother: I'm not sure, dear, but he does have a son called Horace who's about your age. He might.

Father: Cyril, you're in charge now. Children, you're all to listen to Cyril while we're away.

Robert: Why is he in charge? You're not in charge of me!

Cyril: Robert, I am.

Robert: Dad, is there any way I can come with you?

Father: Robert, who is the most important member of any mission?

Robert: You are. The pilot.

Father: No, it's the navigator. A pilot would be lost without one. Your mum and I need you to keep everyone on course.

Robert: You can count on me.

Father: [hands him a compass] So you always know where to find me.

Anthea: Robert, wait for us!

Robert: I'm sure we're going the right way.

Jane: How many times have you said that? I still don't understand why we had to leave home.

Robert: Jane, we're going on a secret mission behind enemy lines. The chances are that none of us will make it back alive.

Cyril: Uncle, It's me, Cyril. You came to my eighth birthday party. You gave me a subscription to Algebra Monthly.

Uncle Albert: Cyril? Cyril! No, Cyril was a much smaller boy.

Cyril: But that was five years ago.

Uncle Albert: Was it? Well, err... I should think he'd be about your age by now.

[laughs]

Uncle Albert: I wonder what he's doing.

Robert: I can eat a whole goose by myself.

Uncle Albert: Well, if it is Friday as you assert, then goose was yesterday so you'll have to wait till err... next Thursday.

Robert: But there is a goose in the oven, and today is Friday!

Uncle Albert: Ah, well, Martha. Looks like Thursday's gone missing with last October.

Uncle Albert: Rule Three: Laundry three times a week. Very important, you know. The British Empire was built on clean pants. Clean pants and...

Horace: Mint sauce?

Uncle Albert: Don't be ridiculous, Horace. Rule four: Never, ever go into... the greenhouse.

Robert: The greenhouse.

Robert: Come on, I can see light!

Jane: There's sea up ahead, and it's not raining!

Robert: It's beautiful!

Cyril: Robert, wait!

Robert: Look at it!

Cyril: Robert, wait, where are you going?

Robert: Here's a clue. It rhymes with hand hairy.

Cyril: No way, we're not going back. You saw all the trouble that wish got us into.

Robert: Oh look, this must be the pole that's been sticking up Cyril's ...

Cyril: Back off! You can insult me all you like, but ...

Robert: Thanks, but I'll save that for later. I'm going, whether you're coming or not.

Jane: Hand hairy? Sand fairy!

Psammead: Were the vases smashed to smithereens?

Jane: Yes.

Psammead: Add the floor flooded and dictionaries drenched?

Cyril: They were.

Psammead: And the house burned to the ground?

Robert: No.

Psammead: House didn't burn to the ground? I'd say you got off pretty lightly then, all things considered.

Robert: Not so fast, Sand Fairy!

Cyril: You made them ruin the house on purpose, didn't you?

Psammead: Look, it's not me, it's the rules. You make a wish, it goes horribly wrong, and then you learn something valuable.

Robert: That's terrible. I don't need to learn anything!

Psammead: Of course, everything is back to normal by sunset.

Cyril: That's not a car. That is the Portman Speedster 3000, and according to Motor-Car Monthly, the 3000 is the fastest motor of all time. We're talking eight horsepower.

Anthea: If it's so wonderful, why don't you just buy it?

Robert: Yeah, buy the car, Cyril!

Anthea: Oh my gosh, I've got wings!

Jane: So soft, so white...

Cyril: The little - He must've made a wish! He's out of control. I don't know how I'm gonna cut it. What am I gonna tell Mum? Look at you!

Robert: Cyril!

Cyril: You've done it again. What were you thinking?

Robert: I'm going to France to see Dad!

Cyril: France?

Robert: His letter said he wished he could fly to see us. He can't, but we can fly to him. Come on!

Cyril: Robert, wait!

Jane: Mummy, I can't believe you're home!

Robert: Mum, we didn't know you were coming!

Jane: Did you get my letter?

Mother: Yes, I did, precious.

Cyril: Something's wrong.

Mother: It's your father.

Robert: Is he here?

Mother: No, Robert. His plane went down behind enemy lines several days ago. He's missing.

Robert: No!

Robert: We have to help Dad.

Cyril: I know you want to, but we'll just have to wait for news.

Robert: Wait?

Cyril: I'm sure everything ...

Robert: Wait?

Robert: Sand Fairy, I need this wish.

Psammead: If you wait, I can grant you a wish when dawn comes, but not before.

Robert: But you'll do it?

Psammead: Yes, but child, what then? The wish will fade at sunset, you know that.

Robert: Maybe this wish won't fade.

Psammead: You know it will.

Robert: What's the point in wishes that don't last?

Psammead: Magic. Faith. That is nature. I can show you the way, but in the end, it is up to you.

[first lines]

Robert: It was the Summer of nineteen seventeen and the world was at war. Like lots of children, we had to leave our home. - Leave London. We didn't want to go, but Dad went to fly planes, and Mum went to look after the wounded, and we were stuck. They insisted we go to the country, to stay with mad Uncle Albert and our cousin Horace.

Robert: We've arrived.

Cyril: It's Uncle's castle. Come on, you two.

Martha: These are the children I was telling you about. Your nephews and nieces.

Uncle Albert: Impossible. They're not due 'till Friday. Isn't that right, Horace

Horace: Yes, Father. Not due 'till Friday.

Robert: Today is Friday.

Uncle Albert: Can't be.

[sniffs]

Uncle Albert: Smell that. That's Thursday.

Robert: [Jane is playing her violin] I knew I should have hid that thing back at home. Oh, no. There must be a wounded cat in the room. Jane, put that thing down and help me look. Here, Kitty, Kitty.

Cyril: Take that back.

Robert: You can't tell me what to do!

Cyril: I can and you jolly well know it.

Robert: I hate it here!

Robert: [walking into the Greenhouse] Now, did Martha say that we were not to go in here, or that we were not to miss going in here. She wasn't very clear. Grapes!

Cyril: Stop fooling around. Come here.

Robert: You were saying something about not being in the Greenhouse.

Psammead: Stay back!

Cyril: [to Robert] You have to stop talking to it. It could be dangerous.

Anthea: I bet it has huge fangs and poisonous saliva.

Robert: It's an ugly little monster.

Psammead: "It"? "It"? "It"? Do you mean to tell me that you do not know what a Psammead is?

Robert: You're a what?

Psammead: I am a Psammead crustacea decapodlium wishasaurus. Got it?

Robert: No.

Robert: Horace, it's time we got to know one another.

Horace: No, it isn't.

Robert: I used to think that myself, but here we are. I'll start.

[walking into the basement]

Robert: Oh, great. Just what my day was missing. A tour of a dark smelly basement.

Horace: This is where I keep my monster collection.

Horace: Be careful. Don't get too close. You might get savaged.

Robert: By a dead star fish with an onion stuck on it.

Horace: It's not. It's called Megastarrium. And it's a monster. They're all monsters. Look!

Robert: That was scary. Very scary.

Robert: I was hoping you could teach me the more finer points of monster...

Horace: Monster Mastery.

Robert: Please?

Horace: You're in for a treat.

Robert: [to Cyril] There's no need to rush. Enjoy. Savor the sum. Let it wash over you. And once you gain its trust, it's yours for life.

Cyril: I said, let's not go crazy.

Robert: Oh, shut up!

Jane: Hurry up.

Cyril: It's stuck.

Jane: Push it harder, Cyril.

Cyril: Buckets of the stuff.

Robert: We're going to Merlin. He made for your father king; perhaps he can make you queen.

Katherine: Now I know you're lying. Nobody knows where Merlin is.

Robert: Well, that will make things more difficult, won't it?

Robert: We found it! The primitive tribe!

Robert: [Giselle and the other people at Central Park all start singing] He knows the song too? I've never heard this song before! What the hell is it?

Giselle: Why are you staring at me?

Robert: I don't know. It's just that... it's like you escaped from a Hallmark card or something.

Giselle: Is that a bad thing?

Prince Edward: [threatening Robert with his sword] Have you any last words before I dispatch you?

Robert: You have got to be kidding me!

Prince Edward: Strange words!

Robert: Oh my.

Giselle: Oh my. He's here!

Robert: Apparently.

Giselle: Oh my. Oh my goodness. How do I look?

Robert: Slightly stunned.

Giselle: No, I mean, how do I look?

[mean her appearance]

Robert: You look... beautiful.

Giselle: What about you and Nancy? You know that you will live happily ever after.

Robert: I don't know if I'll make it through today, let alone a lifetime. That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's complicated.

Giselle: But it doesn't have to be. Not if she knows.

Robert: Knows what?

Giselle: How much you really love her.

Robert: Of course she does. We just don't talk about it every minute of the day, but she knows.

Giselle: How?

Robert: What do you mean, "how?"

Giselle: [singing] How does she know...

Robert: [laughs] No, don't.

Giselle: You love her? / How does she know...

Robert: People look-looking.

Giselle: She's yours?

Robert: [interrupting] Don't sing. It's OK, you know. Let's just walk. Can we walk?

Giselle: [speaks] Well, does she?

Robert: Yeah.

Queen Narissa: [transforms into a dragon] If I'm to remain queen I'll need a story for when I go back to Andalasia. What about "a giant, dangerous monster appeared and killed everyone, and poor Queen Narissa she just couldn't save them!" Let's start with the girl who started it all!

Robert: [pushes Giselle further behind him] Over my dead body!

Queen Narissa: [shrugs] Alright, I'm flexible.

[grabs Robert instead]

Robert: [singing to Giselle along with the bandleader at the ball] Now you're beside me, and look how far we've come, so far. We are so close.

Robert: Would you like me to call someone for you?

Giselle: I don't think they would hear you from here.

[talking about Giselle]

Sam: She has no driver's license, no passport, I can't even find this place she comes from.

Robert: What place?

Sam: Andalusia.

Robert: Andalasia.

Sam: Whatever. I've called every travel agent, every airline. I'm not sure if it's a country or a city.

Robert: It can't be a state.

[Both watch Giselle acting strangely]

Sam: More like a state of mind.

[mimicking Giselle]

Sam: And she told me it's just beyond the meadows of joy and the valley of contentment. What is that all about?

Giselle: Is that the only word you know? "No?"

Robert: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, No!

Giselle: "No! No! No!" Over and over! When you keep saying "No!" it just makes me so... Sometimes you make me so!... angry.

[laughs really hard]

Robert: [after Giselle has bitten the poisoned apple] Please, don't leave me.

Robert: So, what's the deal with this prince of yours? How long you been together?

Giselle: [wistfully] Oh, about a day.

Robert: You mean it feels like a day because you're so in love.

Giselle: No, it's been a day.

Robert: You're kidding me. A day? One day?

Giselle: Yes.

[wistful again]

Giselle: And tomorrow it will be two days.

Robert: You're joking.

Giselle: No. I'm not.

Robert: Yeah, you are.

Giselle: But I'm not.

Robert: You're gonna marry somebody after a day? Because you fell in love with him?

Giselle: Yes.

[grins]

Giselle: Yes!

Robert: [laughs as she drags him away]

Robert: You know most normal people get to know each other before they get married. They date.

Giselle: Date?

Robert: Yeah, you know. Date.

[Giselle shakes her head not understanding]

Robert: You go someplace special, like a restaurant, or a movie, or museum, or you just hang out and you talk.

Giselle: What do you talk about?

Robert: About each other. About yourself. About your interests, your likes your dislikes, you talk.

[both laugh]

Giselle: Oh, you have such strange ideas about love.

Robert: Maybe we should just do what you do. You meet, you have lunch, and you get married.

Giselle: Oh, you forgot about happily ever after.

Robert: Forget about happily ever after, it doesn't exist.

Robert: [off Giselle's look] What?

Giselle: This is a very nice place.

Robert: Yeah?

Giselle: And we're eating dinner.

Robert: Yeah.

Giselle: [happily] This is a date!

Robert: Yeah!

[happy then realizing his mistake]

Robert: No! No. No, no, no, no. We're just, um, we're just friends.

Robert: [struggling to break free of her grasp] You're crazy!

Queen Narissa: No. Spiteful, vindictive, *very large*, but never crazy.

Robert: [tries to stop Nancy from leaving] What... what about taking Morgan to school, you know, for some grown-up girl bonding time?

Nancy Tremaine: What, so you can have some grown-up girl bonding time?

Nancy Tremaine: [glares pointedly at Giselle]

Nancy Tremaine: I don't think so.

Giselle: Is this a habit of yours? Falling off of stuff?

Robert: Only when you're there to catch me.

Giselle: Nobody has been very nice to me.

Robert: Yeah, well, welcome to New York.

Giselle: Thank you.

Giselle: What about you? How long have you known your Nancy?

Robert: Uh, five years.

Giselle: And you haven't proposed?

Robert: Well, no, I...

Giselle: Well no wonder she's angry.

Robert: Well...

Robert: [regarding Morgan] I know she's shy. I know she doesn't have very many friends. I just want her to be strong, you know? To be able to face the world for what it is. That's why I don't encourage the fairy tales. I don't want to set her up to believe in this "dreams come true" nonsense.

Giselle: But dreams do come true. And maybe something wonderful will happen.

Robert: Yeah, well, I forgot who I was talking to.

Giselle: Well, I hope you don't forget. I like talking to you.

Nathaniel: [with an absurd French accent, setting down a glass of apple martini by Giselle] For the nice lady. From a secret admirer.

Giselle: Oh!

Robert: A secret admirer? How come people keep giving you free stuff?

Giselle: What is it?

Nathaniel: It's an apple martini, miss.

Giselle: Oh, apple mar... ooh! It looks yummy.

Robert: Yeah, be careful, it's poisonous.

[Nathaniel growls at him]

Giselle: You're joking.

Robert: Yeah.

Robert: No, they'll creep up on you, though. I'd be really careful.

Giselle: Well, I'll just have one sip.

Nathaniel: A sip is all it takes.

Giselle: [after Robert knocks on the bathroom door] Hello?

Robert: Okay, you know what? You gotta go. Look, I don't know what your deal is, if you're waiting around for Prince Charming or you're just...?

Giselle: Prince Edward.

Robert: Whatever. Look, I'll get you to a bus, a train, a plane, a whatever, then, that's it. After that, I can't... I can't get involved after that.

[Giselle emerges from the bathroom in a bright blue dress]

Robert: Where did you get that?

Giselle: I made it. Do you like it?

[Robert notices dress-shaped holes in his curtains, and looks quite shocked]

Giselle: You're unhappy.

Robert: *You made a dress out of my curtains*?

Giselle: Oh, you are unhappy!

Robert: Now she thinks that you and I...

Giselle: Kissed?

Robert: Yeah, something like that.

Robert: [after talking on the phone] It was Nancy. She's a lot like the woman in your book. Sweetie... I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Morgan Philip: What?

Robert: Ye, you like her, don't you? We all get along, we have a good time together.

Morgan Philip: Where's she going to live?

Robert: She's gonna live with us

Morgan Philip: Do I have to give up my bedroom?

Robert: No, you don't have to give up your bedroom. No. Come on, It's gonna be great. I promise. It's not like she's gonna try and be your mother.

Morgan Philip: You mean stepmother.

Robert: She's gonna be a nice stepmother. She's gonna take you to school tomorrow, just you and her, for some grown-up girl-bonding time.

Morgan Philip: I'm only six.

Robert: You won't always be.

[greeting Robert at the King's and Queen's Ball]

Giselle: I'm surprised. You said you couldn't dance.

Robert: I said I didn't. I never said I couldn't.

Giselle: [singing] Well, does he take you out dancing / Just so he can hold you close?

Robert: [speaking] I don't dance!

Giselle: Dedicate a song / With words meant just for you? / Ooh ooh

Robert: [speaking] And I really don't sing.

Giselle: [regarding Morgan and her mom] Does she miss her terribly?

Robert: Miss who?

Giselle: Her mother.

Robert: Um, well, we just...

Giselle: What?

Robert: We don't talk about it.

Giselle: Oh. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to pry.

Robert: No, no, no, it's okay. It's just, um... I don't talk about it. To Morgan or to anybody.

Giselle: Because it was very sad?

Robert: Not at first.

Giselle: You were in love.

Robert: Yeah. That was the problem.

Morgan Philip: [holding up two rats] What do I do with them?

Robert: Get them outside. Get rid of them. Get rid of them.

Morgan Philip: Put them back?

Robert: Put them outside! Don't put them back.

Robert: I say we fight.

Solomon Northup: The crew is fairly small. If it were well planned, I believe they could be strong armed.

Clemens: Three can't stand against a whole crew. The rest here are niggers, born and bred slaves. Niggers ain't got the stomach for a fight, not a damn one.

Robert: All I know, we get where we travelling we'll wish we'd died trying.

Clemens: Survival is not about certain death, it is about keeping your head down.

Solomon Northup: Days ago I was with my family, in my home. Now you tell me all is lost. "Tell no one who I really am" if I want to survive. I don't want to survive, I want to live.

Robert: I think it was Oscar Wilde who said: Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

Robert: [while looking at Camille's sculpture] How did you know there were people inside the big white rock?

Robert: When are you getting a haircut? I've not seen your forehead in 15 years.

Dean: With the hair again?

Robert: You're living in the '60's.

[He demonstrates life in the '60s with the hair and Hare Krishna thing]

Dean: What is that? Was that the '60's?

Robert: Yeah.

[demonstrates slide whistle]

Robert: It's done.

Dean: I'm in the conga line and I'm playing a slide whistle.

Robert: That wasn't the conga line. I was doing the Hare Krishna thing.

Robert: Do you know what the Christian Brothers' motto is? "Viriliter age." Do you know what that means?

Brendan: "Let's rape our students?"

Robert: No, Brendan, it doesn't. It means "act manly."

Arlene: Teenage boys are physically attracted to naked women.

Robert: Our research doesn't support that, sir.

Robert: Hey, guys! Come check out this kid's weird pubes!

Robert: It's very important to us that Kevin has a normal and complete high school experience.

Ted: All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way. What do you want to do? You want to play a game? It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.

Robert: Yeah, I want to play a game.

Ted: Good, good. Uh, all right. Let's see. How about... How about we play a little game of hide and seek?

Robert: I love hide and seek. I'll hide.

Ted: Wait now, hang on a sec, there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?

Robert: Okay, you hide first.

Ted: Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?

Robert: Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?

Ted: No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.

Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me.

John: Why the fuck would he say that?

Donny: Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.

Robert: You can't have my Teddy bear!

[Charges John and Lori at full speed. John punches him in the nose, knocking him unconscious to the ground]

Lori: Jesus!

John: I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!

Donny: I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh... I remember seeing you on the Carson Show and... you were just wonderful.

Ted: Oh, yeah that was uh... that was weird ineterview: Ed thought I was ALF and he kept muttering anti semitic comments... he thought ALF was Jewish for some reason...

Donny: Hey-hey um... Have you ever considered selling the bear?

John: What?

Ted: Excuse me?

Robert: I want it.

Ted: [defensively] Hey, I'm not an it, pal! I'm a he, alright?

John: [Stammers and stands up; he speaks in a calm tone] I'm sorry little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.

Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me!

John: [Dumbfounded] Why the fuck would he say that?

Robert: Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.

Donny: Yes, you are, my little chipmunk. Happy playtime.

Ted: Jesus fucking Christ!

Robert: I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it.

Ted: That's a great story. I felt like I was there.

Robert: Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch.

[tears Ted's ear off ]

Robert: What are you doing in my dad's coffin?

Robert: [staring at coffin] Well, this is bloody grim, isn't it?

Robert: You want to go to the ocean? You can't even get to 7-Eleven.

Robert: Vincent, stop! Don't be this person.

Vincent: Oh, what? What person am I being?

Robert: Me! You got my temper, that's for sure, but the rest of this, this isn't you. You're more like your mom. And thank God for that, because I will have completely failed you as a father if you end up anything like me.

Dr. Mia Rose: Vincent's running away now makes complete sense.

Robert: Mind your own damn business.

Dr. Mia Rose: I am. That young woman is sick in knees to eat.

Robert: Yeah well, I was supposed to give a speech three hours ago instead of a middle of a lake looking for foggy keys with a shitty doctor who is less capable than my son.

Dr. Mia Rose: Now you're projecting.

Robert: What?

Dr. Mia Rose: Projecting, calling me a shitty doctor to makeup with the fact that you are a shitty father.

Robert: Oh yeah, you got me figured out. Too bad I was paying you to figure out Vincent.

Dr. Mia Rose: How in god's name do you know how to do this anyway?

Robert: Hmmm, let's just say I wasn't always a politician.

Dr. Mia Rose: Huh!

Robert: What?

Dr. Mia Rose: Maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Robert: [Just after saving the car crash] Are you alright?

Dr. Mia Rose: No. You?

Robert: No.

Dr. Mia Rose: Might I suggest that we stop at a hotel for a few hours?

Robert: Excellent idea.

Robert: [Robert tries to unscrew the wheel nut] Ah... ah... god damn, fuckin' piece of shit.

Dr. Mia Rose: The apple really didn't fall far from the tree.

Celine: So you're telling me that successful relationships... are made in heaven? Notfounded on the daily practicality... of two people being prepared... to tolerate the imperfections of one another?

Robert: It's not successful relationships, Celine. It's love. And it comes from a strange and wonderful place... that we don't know about.

Celine: So you also reject the idea... that love is merely an emotional adaptation... to a physical necessity?

Robert: Completely.

Celine: Are you serious?

Robert: Fate intervenes in people's lives. In ours, for instance. Fate brought us together. It kept us together. We were destined for one another.

Celine: Fate had a pretty strange way of making its point.

Robert: But that's part of the beauty of it. It's inexplicable, unpredictable... and absolutely beyond control or understanding.

Celine: But you nearly got killed.

Robert: But I didn't... and here we are.

Celine: Do you have any substantial evidence to back all this?

Robert: None at all.

Celine: And you realize that it's absurd and irrational?

Robert: I know that.

Celine: Then why do you believe it?

Robert: Because, Celine, I'm a dreamer.

Celine: Well, I guess that makes two of us.

Robert: Are you ready?

Celine: As I'll ever be.

Robert: Then let's go.

Celine: I'd like to make a withdrawal.

Robert: I thought we agreed there'd be no cliches.

Robert: Are you taking me to a hospital? Because I don't want to die in a hospital.

Celine: I'm not going to take you to a hospital.

Robert: WHAT? What do you mean you're not taking me to a hospital? I demand to be taken to a hospital!

Tod: Do you think that I'd talk to a dog? Do you think I'd ask a dog whether you're good or evil? What do you think I am? Some kind of crazy backwoods lunatic with a barn full of human skulls and a scythe that I sharpen every day in readiness for Armageddon?

Robert: No, no, not at all, I'm sure you're just a regular kind of guy.

Tod: Right, I'm regular, I am a regular man. I want... but that's not the point! The point is, who are YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

Robert: Right, you daughter! I have your asshole here!

Robert: Right you asshole, I've got your daughter here, and I'm gonna send her back in pieces if... OH! I'm sorry, madam. No, I haven't got your daughter here, I've got someone else's. No, we're not married. Yes, I've read the same thing, it's very hard to find suitable young men these days. Well, I'm sure your daughter's very nice, in principle I've got no objection to meeting her...

[Celine hangs up the phone]

Robert: What is the problem?

Jackson: What the hell did you do to her?

Robert: I punched her in the face.

Jackson: Oh, you punched her in the face. She's half your size and you punch her in the face?

Robert: She had a gun!

Jackson: Oh, she had a gun! So that makes everything all right, does it?

Robert: No, I'm not saying it makes everything all right. I'm just trying to explain to you that for all I knew, she could have been a karate expert or something.

Jackson: With a broken arm? WITH A BROKEN ARM?

Robert: O.K., I'm sorry.

Al: Nice-looking woman.

Robert: She isn't my type.

Al: What are you talking about? Look at yourself. You're nothing. You're nobody. You're wanted in connection with a violent crime. You're cleaning the floor of a diner. She is an intelligent, passionate, beautiful, rich woman. The issue of whether or not she's your type is not one that you're likely to have to resolve in this world... or, indeed, the next, since she will be going to some heaven for glamorous pussy, and you will be cleaning the floor of a diner in hell.

Robert: I guess so.

Al: So why are you even thinking about it?

Robert: And don't ask where I'm going.

Celine: Don't even imagine that I care.

Robert: Exactly the problem!

Robert: Why are you such a pain to be with?

Celine: Because you tied me to a chair all night.

Celine: Remember what they didn't teach you at Harvard Business school.

Robert: I didn't go to Harvard Business school!

Celine: That's a figure of speech, Robert.

Robert: Of course it's obvious, guys, it's a trash novel. You buy it at the airport, you take it on holiday.

Robert: [practicing his ransom demand] Right, you asshole, I've got your daughter here, and I'm gonna cut her up, and post her home to you in boxes! *Small* boxes!

Robert: You... you're going to kill me?

Jackson: Yeah.

[Robert cries hysterically]

Robert: Well then I don't see why I should dig!

Jackson: If you dig, I promise you when the time comes I'll shoot you through the head.

[Robert laughs bitterly]

Jackson: Now look, you don't like that? I can just shoot you through the testicles right now, you can bleed to death, I'll dig the grave, it's up to you.

O'Reilly: We can do this with or without violence, it's up to you. The client pays our medical bills but not yours. Well?

Robert: Oh, without, please.

Celine: What's wrong?

Robert: What's wrong, you crazy bitch, is I thought you were gonna shoot me! THAT'S what's wrong!

Robert: I'm writing a novel myself, a lot of people say that, but in my case it's true.

Celine: Look, they weren't trying to kill you. They were trying to confuse you, and scare you.

Robert: Yeah, before they killed me.

Robert: I thought you were nice.

Lucille: I am nice.

Robert: No your not, you're loose! And you drink!

Lucille: No...

Robert: You're nothing but a loose lush Lucille and I never want to see you again!

Robert: I'm Robert.

Trevor: You may be Robert to your friends but you're fly shit to me! Piss off!

Robert: Sir... everybody went to London... you didn't go along?

Teja: How could I? *cries* Police was looking for me after I murdered Munim Harishankar... on the other hand, I had taken a loan from Mogambo so his nephew Gogo was looking for me as well... You think I don't want to go to London? you think I don't have desires to see what London looks like?

Bhalla: I have put a bomb in this bouquet of flowers which will explode exactly in 3 minutes! Go and put it in inside the hall

Robert: But sir if I put it... wouldn't the police think that I killed Raveena?

Bhalla: Relax Robert... I have put a card inside the bouquet which has TILLU'S name written on it... Ha Ha Ha!

Bhalla: Attention everybody! On this joyous occasion of Robert's birthday... I present to your these heavenly drinks... Robert, go give everyone a glass...

Robert: But Sir you didn't tell me beforehand that it was my birthday today?

Bhalla: Happy Birthday Robert!

Robert: To kill Raveena... I have prepared this drink which is called "The Heavenly Drink" drinking which a person is instantly deported to Heaven

Paul Ashworth: [after Robert missed the goal at the end of the game] If you had to choose between wining this afternoon and Arsenal winning tomorrow night, what would you go for?

Robert: Tomorrow night of course!

Paul Ashworth: There you go then.

Robert: What, you're telling me, Arsenal are gonna win two nil at Anfield?

Paul Ashworth: I can't promise, can I? Well there's a, chance isn't there? You've done your bit, you've missed the penalty. If that's what it takes then it'll be worth it.

Robert: Yeah, course.

[smiles]

Lee: All queens rise

[they all rise and put their hands on their breasts]

Brian: Oh blessed Saint Mary of drag queens. Please grant your never humble servants and our new friends with grace, jewels, and support hose.

Lee, Brian, Paul, Robert: Gay-men

Connie, Carla: Gay-men

Robert: By night we're a duo act Peaches 'n Cream.

Lee: I hate our name.

Robert: I think it's beautiful.

Lee: That's because you're the Peaches part I'm 'n Cream. My name is 'n Cream. What does that even mean?

Paul: That's not my name.

Brian: How about Patty like me, Patty Cake.

Paul: No.

Robert: Patty O'Furniture.

Paul: No.

Robert: Patty Pooper.

Paul: No!

Lee: Good falsies. What do you use?

Connie: None of your beeswax.

[Lee proceeds to feel her breasts]

Carla: Yea, they're really good you should all have a feel.

[All of the guys walk over to feel her breasts]

Robert: Supple. Good.

Connie: Ok, then.

[Gives Carla a look]

Sam: Daddy, are you a 'faggot'?

Robert: Where did you hear that word?

Sam: Kyle told it to me

Robert: And did Kyle tell you what it means?

Sam: Yes.

Robert: Well, what does it mean?

Sam: It's when two boys kiss and they go to the opera.

Ben: Are you gay, or are you just acting gay?

Robert: Well, that depends, are you interested are are you just acting interested?

Robert: What? Eight martinis and you're stuffed?

Abbie: Yep.

Robert: Well, it doesn't take much to crack your egg, does it?

Abbie: I have something to tell you.

Robert: Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Abbie: Heh, not yet.

Tony: We didn't tell you? We're having a party! We rented out the Adams. Yeah it has this whole 80's theme.

Robert: Yeah, so, you can just wear that really ugly shirt you always wear. And... you'll be 80's!

David: Oh I'd love to. But all my stuff burned down. In the big funny fire!

Robert: Well, we got there.

Juliette Janson: Where?

Robert: Home.

Juliette Janson: So what now?

Robert: We go to bed. What's up with you?

Juliette Janson: And then?

Robert: We wake up.

Juliette Janson: And then?

Robert: Same again. We'll wake up. We'll eat.

Juliette Janson: And then?

Robert: I don't know. Die.

Juliette Janson: And then?

Robert: People never really talk in films. I'd like to try with you.

Martine: What have you been doing all day, clever?

Robert: This morning I worked at my garage.

Martine: Do you own it?

Robert: No, I don't.

Martine: Then why is it "my garage"?

Robert: At "the" garage. Right.

Martine: You're not listening. How do you know it's a garage? Are you sure the word isn't "swimming-pool" or "hotel"?

Robert: I suppose it could be.

Martine: Exactly. How do things get particular names?

Robert: They're given them.

Martine: Who by?

Wallace: Uh, excuse me, please, I'm looking for Mr. Ball's office.

[Robert doesn't respond.]

Wallace: Mr. Ball's office?

[No response. He starts to leave.]

Robert: Now, what would be your most direct route? Tell you what. Down this corridor, then left after your third door.

Wallace: Thank you.

[Starts to leave.]

Robert: You'll find two passages: one on your left, one on your right. Ignore them -- they're not the ones you want. Your best best would be... the very next one on the right.

Wallace: Thank you.

[Leaves.]

Robert: Or would it?

Claire: Where are you going?

Robert: Looks like I'm going nowhere.

Claire: Don't you fucking quote Star Wars at me!

Claire: When are you going to start living in the present instead of the 24th century?

Robert: I would never live in the 24th century! I fucking HATE "The Next Generation". Only classic!

Robert: Joy unto you, peace and serenity, you are not of the body, would you calm the fuck down already?

Mark: A musical Julius Ceasar is quite possibly the worst idea I've heard since New Coke.

Robert: Jesus Christ, no kidding. My girlfriend bails on me and then I find out that the man I've idolized since I was two turns out to be a raving loon! I can't believe my life.

Mark: I usually can't believe your life either. But Shatner's dementia is no reason to give up the gospel of the original series!

Robert: Ok the man that we just met is not the man who invented the Corbomite Manuever, or the man who almost died defeating the Doomsday Machine.

Mark: Let it go. Separate the art from the artist. This is L.A., nobody's ever who they appear to be. Other than John Tesh, who's probably exactly who he appears to be.

Robert: No, no no, I'm sorry. Shatner is, was and ever shall be Kirk to me. I need my hero.

Mark: What you need is a bank account.

Robert: I don't believe it. It's Bill.

Mark: Okay, just be cool, don't stare, you'll go blind.

Robert: And he's perusing porno. All right! I gotta go over there and talk to him, man!

Mark: A... wha... wha... no. All over the world, from as far off as the Caspian sea, people have been running up to Bill and acting like idiots. Why must you be one of them?

Robert: Because NOW it's MY turn! I mean, don't you want to go over there and talk to him and see what he's like? I mean William Shatner made us who we are today!

Mark: Do you want to insult the man? Respect his space.

Robert: I do respect his space: it's the final frontier...

Mark: Just... just be dignified. You know, don't do anything stupid.

Robert: I *hate* the fact that women do not give a shit how anything looks or sounds, as long as they can sing along with the lyrics.

Leila: [disgusted little noise]

Robert: All right, I'm sorry - I get a little carried away sometimes. But you know what, I can say the exact same thing about women and their obsession with their shoes.

Leila: That's a sexist comment.

Robert: Is it?

Leila: Yeah.

Robert: How many pairs of shoes do you have in your closet?

Leila: I don't know. Maybe, um...

Robert: I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. What was that?

Leila: Fifty-three.

Robert: FIFTY-TH - and you're calling *me* crazy?

Leila: I don't know! Fifty-two, maybe? I'm, I'm not sure.

Robert: Whatever, Imelda! That's totally obscene! I've got two pairs of sneakers, a pair of Docs, and a pair of boots, that's it!

Leila: I don't expect you to understand.

Robert: Of course not, because it's totally ridiculous.

Leila: You can wear shoes; they're practical.

Robert: Oh yeah, but can you wear 53 pairs? It's like women with a $30,000 engagement ring.

Leila: What's wrong with that?

Robert: Oh, come on. You know if it doesn't have airlock brakes and a passenger side airbag, it's *not* worth thirty K.

Tricia: Robert!

Robert: Hello, Tricia.

Tricia: Brian, this is Robert.

Brian: Oh right. The Trekkie, right?

Robert: Fuck you both.

Robert: [explaining why he's familiar with the Alvarez Hypothesis] The only reason I know that is because that's what almost happened in The Paradise Syndrome when Kirk lost his memory and became an Indian god.

Robert: [repeated pickup line] Is that Mac lipstick that you're wearing?

Mark: [on Rob's love life] You're pathetic.

Robert: How's the Munchkin?

Mark: OK, I take it back.

Robert: If you wanted some privacy, you could just drink at home.

Bill: No; that's called alcoholism.

Robert: You look good.

Rona: Of course I look good; all I do is fuck and eat.

Robert: [about a new cologne he has just received as a gift] It smells like love.

Robert: Yo man!

John: What's up mother fucker?

Robert: So what do you think?

Cornelia: Haven't you heard?

John: No, what?

Joel: Sander Karlsson is dead.

John: No, you're bullshitting me!

Joel: Rick Allen isn't the drummer of Iron Maiden.

Robert: So who is?

Joel: Nicko McBrain plays in Maiden.

Robert: You just made that name up.

Joel: You're thinking of Def Leppard. Rick plays in Def Leppard.

Robert: And the difference is...?

Joel: The guy only got one bloody arm!

Robert: You can't play drums with one arm!

Robert: Never tell me the odds!

Robert: It's a wonder he survived this long!

Robert: What did you do?

Michèle Leblanc: I stopped lying.

Robert: [his voice through the robot] There is always something authentic concealed in every forgery. I couldn't agree more. That's why I'll miss you, Mr. Oldman.

Robert: Why did you never marry, never have kids?

Virgil Oldman: The regard I have for women is equal to the fear I've always had of them. And to my failure to understand them.

Robert: We are supposed to be righteous. That's a beautiful thing. And we're losing it. If I lose that, that's everything. That's my soul.

Avner: We can't afford to be that decent anymore.

Robert: I don't know if we were ever that decent.

[repeated line]

Robert: I aimed at the tires.

Jean-Pierre: You're an idiot.

Robert: I know, you already said that.

Jean-Pierre: But here you're so much an idiot that it's worth to say it twice.

Robert: For five generations we have been exploited, and now that we just began to earn a bit more than the minimum to live with, it is still too much. They have to go away, farer, to exploit people even poorer.

Marc: Up to where are you ready to go? Are you ready to aim a gun at somebody? Are you ready to shoot, to be shot? Are you ready to die? Are you ready to kill if needed?

Robert: How should I know?

Marc: You should know! It's before being there that you have to ask yourself, because when you're there, it's too late!

Robert: It's I Recorded A Murder!

Det. Pat Murphy: What is you're favorite crime movie?

Robert: What? What type of questions are these?

Det. Pat Murphy: I Said! What is you're favorite crime movie?

Robert: I like 'Dial M for Murder!'.

Big Daddy: [instructing raiding party] Now unless they start shooting first, nobody shoot 'em. That's way too simple for these jokers. We're gonna whoop that nigger lover to death! And I am personally gonna strip and clip that gaboon myself!

[puts on bag]

Big Daddy: Damn! I can't see fuckin' shit outta this thing.

Unnamed Baghead: We ready or what?

Big Daddy: Naw, hold on, I'm fuckin' with my eye holes.

[rips bag]

Big Daddy: Oh. Oh, shit.

[takes off bag]

Big Daddy: Ah, I just made it worse.

Unnamed Baghead: Who made this goddamn shit?

Other Unnamed Baghead: Willard's wife.

Willard: Well, make your own goddamn mask!

Big Daddy: Look. Nobody's sayin' they don't appreciate what Jenny did.

Unnamed Baghead: Well, if all I had to do was cut a hole in a bag, I coulda cut it better than this!

Other Unnamed Baghead: What about you, Robert? Can you see?

Robert: Not too good. I mean, if I don't move my head I can see you pretty good, more or less. But when I start ridin', the bag's movin' all over, and I - I'm ridin' blind.

Bag Head #2: [rips bag] Shit. I just made mine worse. Anybody bring any extra bags?

Unnamed Baghead: No! Nobody brought an extra bag!

Unnamed Baghead: [raiding party is discussing their bags] Do we have to wear 'em when we ride?

Big Daddy: Oh, well shitfire! If you don't wear 'em as you ride up, that just defeats the purpose!

Unnamed Baghead: Well, I can't see in this fuckin' thing!

[takes bag off]

Unnamed Baghead: I can't breathe in this fuckin' thing, and I can't ride in this fuckin' thing!

Willard: Well fuck all y'all! I'm going home! You know, I watched my wife work all day gettin' thirty bags together for you ungrateful sons of bitches! And all I can hear is criticize, criticize, criticize! From now on, don't ask me or mine for nothin'!

Big Daddy: Now look. Let's not forget why we're here. We gotta kill a nigger over that hill there! And we gotta make a lesson out of him!

Bag Head #2: Okay, I'm confused. Are the bags on or off?

Robert: I think... we all think the bag was a nice idea. But - not pointin' any fingers - they coulda been done better. So, how 'bout, no bags this time - but next time, we do the bags right, and then we go full regalia.

[all agree]

Big Daddy: Wait a minute! I didn't say 'no bags'!

Bag Head #2: But nobody can see.

Big Daddy: So?

Bag Head #2: So, it'd be nice to see.

Big Daddy: Goddammit! This is a raid! I can't see! You can't see! So what? All that matters is can the fuckin' horse see? That's a raid!

Abe: Look, nobody's saying it wouldn't be fun. It's just, the time for jacking around with Tesla coils and ball lightning in the garage is over. I mean, maybe this is something you can try on your own, on your free time, you know?

[cross-talking]

Robert: My free time? Which free time? Free time after the fifty hours a week at work, after the thirty hours I spend working nights in the garage...?

Abe: We're all working the same schedule. We're all working the same schedule. I know.

Robert: [with hurt feelings] And, and it's not a Tesla coil.

[sarcastically]

Robert: I guess I could shave a couple minutes off my day by eating on the toilet.

Joe: Do we get a balloon with these?

Shoe Salesman: ...Yeah

Robert: All of us or just her?

Robert: The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them.

Robert: When I think of why I make pictures, the reason that I can come up with just seems that I've been making my way here. It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you.

Robert: If you want me to stop, tell me now.

Francesca: No one's asking you to.

Robert: How are you doing out there in Marlboro country?

Robert: ...I have two choices. I can either fight the way things are, or accept them. See, I always knew I loved you more. Didn't bother me. I always felt lucky... a little amazed... that such a vibrant, beautiful woman would want to be with a man like me... And I guess I thought as long as I did everything right - if I was the best husband I could be, the best father... even being a good lawyer only mattered to me because of what it meant for us... if I could do all that, it wouldn't make any difference if we loved each other the same or not... I wasn't asking for more. I told myself I didn't need more. But you don't know how you feel about me. You don't know... if you want a life with me anymore... And I don't want you to come home until you do know... one way or the other.

Robert: Judith's dead.

Annie: And what about Grace?

Robert: She's in pretty bad shape.

Robert: Beautiful women like to be taken by ugly men. Of course, nobody admits that. There has to be a force of attraction. And that attraction is not between a man and a woman... That would be too simple. That attraction is between beauty and ugliness. Beauty is nourished by disgracefulness, there's a friction between them.

Robert: The only opportunity for love with women emerges from rape. Women easily give themselves to the next best guy. Even when they make the unfortunate one, who really loves them, suffer... The one who'd sacrifice his life for them, who respects them.

Robert: Women like to discover things they've already seen on tv.

Robert: Sexuality is the clash of triviality and divinity.

Robert: I hope you're not spending your birthday alone.

Catherine: I'm not alone.

Robert: I don't count.

Catherine: Why not?

Robert: I'm your old man. Go out with friends.

Catherine: Yeah, right.

Robert: Aren't your friends taking you out?

Catherine: Nope.

Robert: Why not?

Catherine: For your friends to take you out, you have to have friends. Funny how that works.

Robert: You're gonna be okay.

Catherine: I am?

Robert: Yes. I promise you. The simple fact that we can talk about this together is a good sign.

Catherine: A good sign?

Robert: Yeah.

Catherine: How could it be a good sign?

Robert: Because crazy people don't sit around wondering if they're nuts.

Catherine: They don't?

Robert: No. They've got better things to do. Take it from me. A very good sign that you're crazy is an inability to ask the question, "Am I crazy?"

Catherine: Even if the answer is yes?

Robert: Crazy people don't ask, you see?

Catherine: Huh.

Catherine: It is thirty degrees outside, in the middle of the night. Are you cold?

Robert: Of course, I am freezing my ass off

Robert: What about Claire?

Catherine: She's not my friend. She's my sister.

Catherine: Wait.

Robert: What's the matter?

Catherine: It doesn't make sense.

Robert: Sure it does.

Catherine: No.

Robert: Where's the problem?

Catherine: The problem is, you are crazy.

Robert: So?

Catherine: So you said a crazy person would never admit that.

Robert: Ah. I see.

Catherine: So?

Robert: It's a point.

Catherine: So how can you admit it?

Robert: Well because, I'm also dead. Aren't I?

[first lines]

Robert: [stirring her out of a dream] Can't sleep?

Catherine: Oh, Jesus! Oh, you scared me.

Robert: I'm working!

[laughs merrily]

Robert: I mean, I say "I". Machinery. The machinery's working, Catherine. It's on full blast. All the cylinders are firing. I'm on fire.

Robert: When are you going to do some mathematics with me?

Catherine: I can't think of anything worse.

Policeman: Let's go.

Policeman: Why did you do it, kid?

Robert: She asked me to.

Policeman: [smirking] Obliging bastard. Is that the only reason you got, kid?

Robert: They shoot horses, don't they?

[final scene]

Robert: [standing outside looking at the ocean] I used to love to look at he ocean, walk by it, just sit and listen to it. Now I don't care if I ever see it again.

Gloria Beatty: That, or anything else.

Robert: What are you gonna do know? Try in the movies again?

Gloria Beatty: No. I'd never make it. And maybe it wouldn't make no difference, even if I did. Maybe it's just the whole damn world is like central casting: They got it all rigged before you ever show up.

Robert: I know what you mean. I know just what you mean.

Gloria Beatty: Do you?

Robert: What *are* you gonna do?

Gloria Beatty: I'm gonna get off this merry-go-round. I'm so sick of all sticky things.

Robert: What thing?

Gloria Beatty: Life. And don't give me no sunshine lectures!

Robert: I wasn't going to.

Gloria Beatty: Then what were you looking at me that way for?

Robert: I wasn't, I was just tryin to see you face.

Gloria Beatty: Well keep looking. And stick around for the end.

[She takes out a gun and tries to shot herself but is not able to do it]

Gloria Beatty: Help me! Oh please, *please*!

Robert: [He takes the gun] Tell me when.

Gloria Beatty: I'm ready.

Robert: [He holds the gun to her temple] Now?

Gloria Beatty: Now.

[He shoots her]

Robert: Suppose we did win? What would you do with it?

Gloria Beatty: What, what, what?

Robert: The money.

Gloria Beatty: Maybe I'd buy some good rat poison.

Rocky: That's what were all interested in, isn't it? The show?

Robert: No, it's a contest. Isn't that what it's supposed to be? Isn't that what you advertised? A contest?

Rocky: Not for them. For you maybe, but not for them. Do you think they're laying out two bits a throw just to watch you poke your head up into the sunlight or Alice look like she just stepped out of a beauty parlor? They don't give a damn whether you win or James and Ruby or Mario and Jackie or the Man in the Moon and Little Miss Muffet. They just want to see a little misery out there so they can feel a little better maybe. They're entitled to that.

Rocky: The doctor's decision is: Lillian Kramer stays on in the marathon! The doctor's assured me Lillian just has a slight sinus headache.

Gloria Beatty: Headache. For all that quack knows she's... she's got a brain tumor.

Robert: No, I don't think so. Only I'm not exactly sure, but I think it's different with a brain tumor. Different symptoms.

Gloria Beatty: Yeah? How do you know?

Robert: I saw it in a movie. Anita Louise and Richard Cromwell. That's what she died of. Anita Louise. A brain tumor. But it was different. Everything just suddenly got dim for her one day until finally she couldn't see at all. She couldn't even see Richard Cromwell when she kissed him goodbye.

Gloria Beatty: Yeah? And well then she just died?

Robert: Kind of. She just drifted off listening to her favorite tune. And then she was dead.

Gloria Beatty: No pain or anything? They probably lied.

Mr. Burke: [after seeing the memorial video Robert made] Is that serious, Robert?

Robert: What do you mean?

Mr. Burke: Is there something wrong with you, Robert? I'm no editor but I can safely say that's probably the worst thing I've ever seen. You didn't even have music! I'm gonna tell Mr. Wiseman to have someone else reediting everything. You... I'm very disappointed.

Robert: Uh... your mom gets fucked for cash.

Mr. Virgil: Okay. Okay, fair enough. Right. See, that was easy. You just said what's on your mind.

Paul: How's it going?

Robert: [Seated at cafe table] Terrible!

Paul: What's wrong?

Robert: I'm saying things are terrible until 10:00.

Paul: [To the waiter] An espresso.

[To Robert]

Paul: It's 10.05 now.

Robert: Really? Then everything's all right.

Robert: Ever notice there's the word "mask" in masculine? And also "ass"?

Paul: And in feminine?

Robert: Nothing.

Paul: What are you reading?

Robert: An article on Bob Dylan.

Paul: Who's he?

Robert: He's a Vietnik, you know.

Paul: What's that?

Robert: It's a Yank word, a cross between "beatnik" and "Vietnam."

Paul: Let me see.

[Reading Robert's newpaper]

Paul: "Who are you, Mr. Bob Dylan?"

Robert: Not bad.

Paul: Her breasts?

Robert: Yes...

Paul: U.S. Go Home!

Robert: U.S. Go Home!

Paul: U.S. Go Home! Go Home! Go Home! Go Home! Go Home!

Paul: You stand a better chance with Catherine.

Robert: Oh, yeah? Last week at the Rex cinema, I asked her what kind of bra she wore.

Paul: And?

Robert: The slap she gave me! Bing!

Catherine-Isabelle: I'm not seeing anyone in particular.

Robert: So you sleep around?

Catherine-Isabelle: I don't sleep around.

Robert: That's what you said.

Catherine-Isabelle: [laughing] I certainly did not say that. I said I wasn't seeing anyone in particular. "Going out" doesn't mean "going to bed."

Robert: Let me tell you something: My father was a very big man. And all his life he wore a black mustache. When it was no longer black, he used a small brush, such as ladies use for their eyes. Mascara.

Robert: Shell? Like the petrol station?

Shell: Shell, like the unique and beautiful thing you find in the sea.

Arvid: What do you think it will cost to ship us there?

Robert: Around 100 riksdaler.

Arvid: Ya, well, might as well forget it. 200 riksdaler. I'll never have that much.

Robert: You don't have it?

Arvid: I will go anyway. We can travel to America on foot.

Robert: Nah, there's an ocean. You can't go on foot to America.

Arvid: Do you mean there is no way?

Robert: I'm afraid there is not. America is an island.

Arvid: Damned ocean.

Robert: There are two kinds of folk in America. There are those who become rich because they've been here so long and there are some who have come so recently they haven't had time to get rich.

Arvid: Last year the parson asked who our lords and masters are. But, I couldn't answer him.

Robert: All of our lords and our masters, besides our parents, are those God has ordained to have a fatherly power over us...

Arvid: Is that the truth?

Robert: Do you know how many lords and masters we have over us - in the whole world?

Arvid: Nah.

Robert: The first is the King, Oskar the First; the second is the Governor; the third is the Chief Constable; the fourth is the Sheriff, Lönnegren; and the fifth is his Deputy; and the sixth will be the Parson; and the seventh, Aron, our master.

Arvid: Why, that's a lot of lords.

Robert: In America, there are no commoners and gentry. People are the same there. And anybody can talk with the President of the places.

Arvid: I think I sell myself as a slave when I'm in America.

Robert: Its forbidden for whites to get sold as slaves.

Arvid: Forbidden? But, you were just saying that America's a free country?

Robert: Ya. But, still that is forbidden, I'm afraid, for whites, that is.

Karl Oskar: Doesn't the iron ever get stolen?

Robert: Nah. In America, there is such an abundance of iron, that no one would care to steal as much as a farthing. Its the same with gold and silver. In America, they hang a thief at once. Often before he's had time to confess. Americans are the most honest and sensible people in the whole world.

Karl Oskar: I guess even over there they have a couple of crooks.

Kristina: Is your ear hurting?

Robert: It will be better once we get to America.

Robert: I read yesterday in the paper about a man who came home and found his whole family eaten up by a crocodile. Ya. There were three children and it had just swallowed the wife. But, the woman's head it got stuck in the beast's throat and so it choked to death. That was her revenge. Apparently the ground was soaked with human blood.

Kristina: Are we going to such a place?

Karl Oskar: You should know Robert and his tall stories by now.

Robert: I didn't invent it. I really read it.

Robert: You can't speak the language, can you?

Elin, Ulrikas dotter: Nah, not now. But, the minute I land in America, then I shall.

Robert: You mean you'll speak it the minute you land?

Elin, Ulrikas dotter: Ya.

Robert: Well, but who told you that?

Elin, Ulrikas dotter: It was my Uncle Danjel. But, you must study it because you don't live in the spirit. For us, it's not the same. Studying won't be necessary.

Robert: Can that - really be true?

Elin, Ulrikas dotter: Do you think Danjel lies?

Robert: Nah.

Elin, Ulrikas dotter: All the faithful, as they go ashore, shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, like in the Bible, the Apostles, the first Pentecost. And they will be reborn with faith in Jesus Christ and also they'll know how to speak the American language the minute they land. Haven't you read the Acts of the Apostles?

Robert: You'll need to learn the right way to hold the tongue also. Stick out your tongue for me.

Robert: I explained why I'm leaving. I told you I'll be back.

Michael: You're leaving because you don't want to be around when Nick dies. You don't want to deal with me going through that. You'll come walking back when it's all over. You better stay away man or you're going to come back to a fucking maniac. You think I can be mean now? I'm going to go after every politician, idiot doctor and smug born again asshole I can get my hands on.

Robert: We are the books we read, the movies we watch, the friends we keep.

Nicole: You're not taking this very seriously.

Robert: On the contrary, I take this a lot more seriously than someone who thinks a drug-addled pop star reject is just the guy to follow down the fucking elevator shaft.

Robert: You're in this now whether you like it or not.

Adam: You're the one who talked me into it.

Robert: But it didn't take much talking, did it?

Robert: Sometimes the image you project is as important as the reality.

Princess Mironoff: [watching 'Bill' on stage] Isn't he marvelous?

Robert: [absently] Adorable...

Princess Mironoff: *What*?

Robert: [hastily] Er... marvelous.

Robert: [calculatingly] We have dinner late and then decide to motor on. The car will conveniently break down - there.

Princess Mironoff: That's original!

Robert: We... we then, walk, three kilometres.

Princess Mironoff: Now don't get too original, darling.

Robert: Well, what's three kilometres on a nice moonlight night? At the end of that walk, by chance, we will arrive at an inn, which, by a strange coincidence I know well. I shall telephone the "patron" and make some interesting reservations.

Robert: Everything's just hunky-dory. Go fuck or something.

Robert: What is a 'bastard'?

Sergei: A person who breaks into other people's conversations.

[subtitled version]

Robert: [after his wife tells him that she's been having an affair with his best friend] Where does it take place? Must be a bit awkward. I mean we've got two kids, he's got two kids not to mention a wife.

Robert: Nothing to be frightened of in Denfield - nothing at all...