Rob Quotes in Cloverfield (2008)

Rob: It's like a nightmare! It's like a nightmare!

[as the brothers say their goodbyes to Rob and Celeste, Rob types on Lincoln's speech-box]

Rob: [electronic voice] Thank you.

McQueen Oodie: [grins] Well, ain't that some E.T. shit!

Rob: I have to have coffee with Davenport tomorrow, what should I do then? I'll tell you what, I'll take him to the White Rose, I'll get him blown...

Lemond: No! Davenport runs the Senate prayer group. With a guy like that you don't bring up the subject of blow jobs. You wait for him to bring it up.

Chris: Really, now, why don't you just go out and find a new one?

Rob: Are you kidding? Where am I gonna find another toaster like this?

[Shows her badly damaged Toaster]

Chris: Like that? Probably nowhere.

Mother: Rob, are you sure you have enough underwear?

Rob: Mom, you packed enough underwear to stock the whole dorm.

Mother: Did you pack enough socks?

Rob: Look, Mom, I'm not going to Jupiter or anything, I'm going to college. It's just college.

Mother: Just give me something to worry about.

Rob: [talking over his mother] I'm your mother.

Mother: You can just take some of our things. Oh, this lamp will look so cute in your dorm room.

Chris: Go for it!

Rob: Well, what are you going to read by, then?

Mother: Oh, I'll buy some candles. I won't read. I'll go out.

Rob: Thanks, Mom, but I'm not taking any of your stuff. I'll just pick up some cheap stuff at some old appliance store like... whatever.

Black and White TV: That's right, folks! Appliances! Cheap appliances! Available now at Ernie's Disposal!

Rob: Where's a good bargain place around here?

Chris: You should have gone for the new stuff.

Black and White TV: Why wander endlessly through this sprawling wasteland they dare to call a city when your dreams are all under one roof? Our roof! Corner of 3rd and East. Crazy Ernie's Amazing Emporium of... of... TOTAL BARGAIN MADNESS!

[Burts out laughing and collapses]

Rob: Have you ever heard of this place before? Looks pretty neat.

Reverend Eric: [speaking of Delgardo] He is my son, my son.

Rob: You're his father, Father?

Rob: Hi, guys...

[Gets no answer]

Rob: How you doing?

[Still no answer]

Rob: Do... you... speak... English?

Garfield: I do, but my comrade will not speak until he can say Cascara is free.

Rob: Is that a political posture or a speech impediment?

Garfield: It's a promise to our people.

Rob: [laughs] Hey, that's terrific. I'm Rob Waring, this is Ben Branch. We're with SpenCo.

Garfield: The ruthless Yankee capitalists.

Rob: Of Houston, Texas.

Baxter Thwaites: At the time, this job was a big promotion for me - youngest governor in the Caribbean. But over the years, I think my wife has resented the restraints the position imposes.

[Delores and Ben tango into the room and out again]

Baxter Thwaites: As you can see. Buenos noches, darling!

Rob: Where, uh, where did you two meet?

Baxter Thwaites: On an earlier posting of mine. I sometimes think she misses the bright lights of Guatemala City.

Rob: This is the Governor's wife!

Deke Halliday: You mean she's not the hooker?

Baxter Thwaites: I told you not to wear those heels, darling.

Rob: Dig this, Sal. Section behind me, it's called The Boneyards. Very few surfers have ventured in there and come out alive.

SPEN Announcer: Are you trying to telling me people have died here?

Rob: That's right, Sal.

SPEN Announcer: A moment of silence for them... And we keep it moving!

Rob: How's it feel to win, Joe?

Chicken Joe: I won?

Rob: I don't believe this. This contest was Maverick's to win. Now Evans pushing Maverick out of bounds and into the Bone Yards.

Cody Maverick: Tank, look out.

Tank Evans: You look out.

Big Z: Code!

Cody Maverick: Z!

Big Z: Cody, come on!

Cody Maverick: Z!

Big Z: Paddle! Come on! Dig! Faster! Come on. Dig! Dig!

[sees a wave coming]

Big Z: Don't dig! Don't dig!

Cody Maverick: What?

Big Z: Let the wave carry you, Cody. You're gonna have to time it! You're gonna come right here. Right to me. Five... four...

Cody Maverick: Three... two... one... Z!

Alex: Okay, guys, can you guess who I am? Ready? "You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!"

Liz: Cheech! No, Chong.

Alex: No, no, no. "Say hello to my little friend!"

[sprays glue gun]

Rob: Tim Allen.

[Rob has bailed Alvy out of jail]

Rob: Imagine my surprise when I got your call, Max.

Alvy Singer: Yeah. I had the feeling that I got you at a bad moment. You know, I heard high-pitched squealing.

Rob: Twins, Max! 16 years old. Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities?

Alvy Singer: [glum] You're an actor, Max. You should be doing Shakespeare in the Park.

Rob: Oh, I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max. I got mugged. I was playing Richard the Second and two guys with leather jackets stole my leotard.

Rob: Hey, Thomas. Look man I don't want to be a dick here or anything, but your friend Oliver came by earlier and told me you guys were having a little party but this is too much.

Thomas: Yeah. We actually should be winding down like midnight, maybe 1. Is that okay?

Rob: No, it's not. I'm sorry. The baby can't sleep and Melinda's gotta be up early for work.

Costa: Fuck yeah! My boy Rob is here to rage! Good to see you, brother.

Rob: Whoa, yeah. Actually I'm not raging, but I'm just telling Thomas it's time to shut it down.

Costa: You can't be serious. This is a great party. What the fuck?

Rob: I am serious because it's 11:30 at night and it's time to wrap it up.

JB: Hey, hey, hey. Why don't we just bring everyone to the back and lower the volume a bit.

Rob: Guys, this isn't a request! The party's over.

Costa: I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree then, aren't we?

Rob: Listen to me. Thomas, either shut it down or I'm calling the cops. Fine, fuck it! I'm calling the fucking cops.

[gets a taser shot by Everett]

Costa: Fuck! Oh shit!

JB: Jesus fucking Christ! What did you do that for?

Costa: [Rob punches Everett in the face] Are you fucking kidding me? I will fucking kill you!

Rob: The little fuck tazed me! I'm definitely calling the cops now!

Costa: You punched a kid in the face! I'm calling the cops on your ass now!

Rob: Do it, genius! It's all on tape. I just saw this mother fucker record it right here.

Dax: No, all I got was you punching that little child's face.

Rob: Fuck you!

Costa: Go home, Robert!

Tyler: Can I help you, sir?

Rob: I'm here to see Thomas.

Tyler: First and last name, please.

Rob: I'm Rob, the neighbor. Who the fuck are you?

Tyler: I'll ask the questions, sir.

Rob: Exactly. Get the hell out of my way.

Rob: [to Costa, as the neighborhood burns] Great party, buddy! You own me a fucking tree, you piece of shit!

Costa: [screaming] ALL I WAS DOING WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME, YOU COCK SUCKING MOTHERFUCKER! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

Rob: You know where you're going? YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL, MOTHERFUCKER!

[the two boys tackle him]

Costa: That's my boy! SUCK MY DICK ROBERT! SUCK MY FUCKING DICK!

Rob: [as the riot police close in] Nice party buddy.

[points to a flaming tree in his front yard]

Rob: You owe me a fucking tree!

Costa: All we were trying to do was have a good time you cocksucking motherfucker! This is your fault!

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob: You don't call.

Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob: Right.

Mike: So I don't call either way?

Rob: Right.

Mike: So what's the difference?

Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob: Right.

Mike: Well that sucks.

Rob: Yeah, it sucks.

Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike: What do you mean?

Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike: Well what if she comes back first?

Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike: There's the rub.

Rob: There's the rub.

Rob: You don't look at the things that you have, you only look at the stuff that you don't have. Those guys are right about you - you're money.

Mike: Then why won't she call?

Rob: She won't call because you left. she's got her own life to deal with, man, and that's in New York... alright? And she's a sweet girl, and I love her to pieces, but fuck her, man. You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I'm telling you: the future is beautiful, alright? Look out the window. It's sunny every day here. It's like manifest destiny. Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it! We are here. And everything that is past is prologued to this. All of the shit that didn't kill us is only - you know, all that shit. You're gonna get over it.

Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?

Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda wierd, but it's like, it's like you almost miss that pain.

Mike: You miss the pain?

Rob: Yeah, for the same reason that you missed her... because you lived with it for so long.

[bemoaning his audition for role of Goofy at Disney Land]

Rob: Why does it have to be Goofy? Why couldn't it be Mickey? Mickey's an icon.

Mike: What do want? You're tall.

[Why he was turned down for the part of Goofy]

Rob: They went with someone who had more theme-park experience.

Rob: How many strokes?

Mike: I don't know. Eight or Nine.

Rob: I'll give you an eight.

Mike: What'd you get?

Rob: An eight.

Mike: Looks like we're in a dead heat after one hole. This is turning into quite a rivalry.

Rob: You better replace the pin, Chi-Chi. The natives look restless.

Rob: So let me get this straight. The party started at eight. Why are we going to a bar at ten?

[first lines]

Rob: What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

Rob: That other girl, or other women, whatever... I mean, I was thinking that they're just fantasies. You know? And they always seem really great because there's never any problems. And if there are, they're cute problems like, you know, we bought each other the same Christmas present, or she wants to go see a movie that I've already seen, you know? And then I come home, and you and I have real problems... and you don't even want to see the movie I want to see, period. There's no lingerie and...

Laura: I have lingerie!

Rob: Yes, you do. You have great lingerie, but you also have the cotton underwear that's been washed a thousand times, and it's hanging on the thing and, and they have it too! It's just I don't have to see it because it's not in the fantasy. Do you understand? I'm tired of the fantasy because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...

Laura: Delivers?

Rob: Delivers. Right. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else, for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you.

Rob: I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

Rob: Top five things I miss about Laura. One; sense of humor. Very dry, but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she's got one of the best all time laughs in the history of all time laughs, she laughs with her entire body. Two; she's got character. Or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She's loyal and honest, and she doesn't even take it out on people when she's having a bad day. That's character.

[holds up three fingers]

Rob: Three;

[long pause, hesitantly]

Rob: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home.

[shakes his head, recollecting, then looks back and lip synchs 'four' while holds up four fingers]

Rob: I really dig how she walks around. It's like she doesn't care how she looks or what she projects and it's not that she doesn't care it's just, she's not affected I guess, and that gives her grace. And five; she does this thing in bed when she can't get to sleep, she kinda half moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times... it just kills me. Believe me, I mean, I could do a top five things about her that drive me crazy but it's just your garden variety women you know, schizo stuff and that's the kind of thing that got me here.

Rob: Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breast that I would try to touch her between her legs. It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead.

Rob: ...I agreed that what really matters is what you like, not what you are like... Books, records, films - these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the fuckin' truth, and by this measure I was having one of the best dates of my life.

[last lines]

Rob: The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway... I've started to make a tape... in my head... for Laura. Full of stuff she likes. Full of stuff that make her happy. For the first time I can sort of see how that is done.

Rob: I can't fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week and they just started showing up every day. That was four years ago.

Rob: Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.

Rob: She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease. You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good.

Rob: Get your patchouli stink outta my store.

Customer: Do you have Soul?

Rob: That all depends.

Rob: If you *really* wanted to screw me up, you should've gotten to me earlier.

Louis: I don't have that record... I'll buy it for forty.

Rob: Sold.

Louis: Now why would you sell it to me and not to him?

Barry: Because you're not a geek, Louis.

Louis: You guys are snobs.

Dick: No, we're not.

Louis: Yeah, seriously, you're totally elitist. You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so you shit onto people who know lesser than you.

Rob, Barry, Dick: No!

Louis: Which is everybody...

Rob, Barry, Dick: Yeah...

Louis: That's so sad.

Rob: I want more, I wanna see the others on the big top-five. I want to see Penny and Charlie and Sarah, all of them. You know? Just see 'em and talk to 'em. You know, like a Bruce Springsteen song.

Bruce Springsteen: You call, you ask them how they are and see if they've forgiven you.

Rob: Yeah, and then I feel good. And they feel good.

Bruce Springsteen: They'd feel good, maybe. But you feel better.

Rob: I'd feel clean and calm.

Bruce Springsteen: That's what you're looking for, you know, get ready to start again. It'd be good for you.

Rob: Great, even.

Bruce Springsteen: Give that big final good luck and goodbye to your all time top-five and just move on down the road.

Rob: Good luck, Goodbye. Thanks, Boss.

Rob: It made sense to pool our collective loathing for the opposite sex, and while we were at it, you get to share a bed with somebody at the same time. We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition.

Dick: I guess it looks as if you're reorganizing your records. What is this though? Chronological?

Rob: No...

Dick: Not alphabetical...

Rob: Nope...

Dick: What?

Rob: Autobiographical.

Dick: No fucking way.

Rob: How does he do it, you ask. How does

[stops, whispers]

Rob: how does an average guy like me become the number one lover-man in his particular postal district? He's grumpy, he's broke, he hangs out with the musical moron twins...

[shrugs]

Laura: Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me? Because I want to feel something else than this. It either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.

Rob: No. I only have a few left, I've been saving them for later.

Laura: Right. It'll have to be sex, then.

Rob: Right. Right.

Rob: It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed. Relationships have become more sophisticated. Females less cruel. Skins thicker. Instincts more developed. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one.

[Rob turns off Barry's tape]

Barry: OK, buddy, uh, I was just tryin' to cheer us up so go ahead. Put on some old sad bastard music, see if I care.

Rob: I don't wanna hear old sad bastard music, Barry, I just want something I can ignore.

Barry: Here's the thing. I made that tape special for today. My special Monday morning for *you*... special.

Rob: Well, it's fuckin' Monday afternoon! You should get out of bed earlier!

Rob: Charlie, you fucking bitch. Let's work it out.

Barry: Top 5 songs about death. A Laura's Dad tribute list, okay? Okay. Leader of the Pack. The guy fuckin' beefs it on his motorcycle and dies, right? Dead Man's Curve. Jan & Dean.

Dick: Do you know that right after they recorded that song Jan himself crashed his car...

Barry: It was Dean you fuckin' idiot...

Rob: It was Jan. It was a long time after the song.

Barry: Okay, whatever. Tell Laura I Love Her. That would bring the house down - Laura's Mom could sing it. You know what I'd want? One Step Beyond by Madness. And, uh, You Can't Always Get What You Want.

Dick: No. Immediate disqualification because of its involvement with The Big Chill.

Barry: Oh God. You're right!

Dick: Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot.

Barry: You bastard! That's so good - that should have been mine... The night Laura's daddy died. Sha na na na na na na na na! Brother what a night it really was. Mother what a night it really... angina's tough! Glory be!

Rob: Look at these. I used to dream I'd be surrounded by exotic women's underwear forever and ever. Now I know they just save their best pairs for the nights they know they're going to sleep with somebody.

Penny Hardwick: I... I was crazy about you. I wanted to sleep with you, one day, but not when I was 16. When you broke up with me - YOU broke up with ME - because I was, to use your charming expression, "tight," I cried, and I cried, and I hated you, and when that little shitbag asked me out and I was too tired to fight him off, it wasn't rape, because I said "OK," but it wasn't far off! Do you know I couldn't have sex until after college because I hated it so much? That's when you're supposed to have sex, Rob - in college! And now you want to have a little chat about rejection, well fuck you, Rob!

[gets up and leaves]

Rob: [stunned silence, seemingly chastised] God, she's right. I broke up with her, I rejected her... that's ANOTHER one I don't have to worry about. I should have done this years ago!

Rob: It was as if breasts were little pieces of property that had been unlawfully annexed by the opposite sex. They were rightfully ours and we wanted them back.

Rob: Liking both Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel is like supporting both the Israelis and the Palestinians.

Laura: No, it's really not, Rob. You know why? Because Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel make pop records.

Rob: Made. Made. Marvin Gaye is dead. His father shot him.

Laura: I'm too tired not to be with you.

Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?

Laura: Yeah.

Barry: Holy shite. What the fuck is that?

Dick: It's the new Belle and Sebastian...

Rob: It's a record we've been listening to and enjoying, Barry.

Barry: Well, that's unfortunate, because it sucks ass.

Rob: [lying in bed imagining the scene] You are as abandoned and noisy as any character in a porn film, Laura. You are Ian's plaything, responding to his touch with shrieks of orgasmic delight. No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian... in my head.

Rob: What, fucking, Ian guy?

Rob: John Dillinger was killed behind that theater in a hale of FBI gunfire. And do you know who tipped them off? His fucking girlfriend. All he wanted to do was go to the movies.

Rob: My desert island, all-time, top-five most memorable breakups, in chronological order, are as follows: Alison Ashmore; Penny Hardwick; Jackie Alden; Charlie Nicholson; and Sarah Kendrew. Those were the ones that really hurt. Can you see your name on that list, Laura? Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten. But there's just no room for you in the top five, sorry. Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak you're just not capable of delivering.

Rob: I could've wound up having sex back there. And what better way to exorcise rejection demons than to screw the person who rejected you, right? But you wouldn't be sleeping with a person, you'd be sleeping with the whole sad, single-person culture. It'd be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky if you weren't Rocky.

Rob: I was jealous of other men in her design department. I became convinced that she was going to leave me for one of them. Then she left me for one of them.

Rob: Why'd you have to tell her about the store?

Barry: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was classified information. I mean, I know we don't have any customers, but I thought that was a bad thing, not like, a business strategy

[smacks Rob]

Rob: What if I was doing something that can't be cancelled?

Laura: Rob, what are you ever doing that can't be cancelled?

Rob: Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do's and don'ts. First of all you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing.

[Liz storms in]

Rob: Hey, Liz.

Liz: [calm] Hi, Rob...

[screams]

Liz: You fucking asshole!

[beat, Liz walks out the store, Barry's in the corner, stares]

Liz: Hi, Barry.

Rob: I lost it. I lost it all- faith, dignity... about 15 pounds.

Vince: What's the name of your label?

Rob: Top Five Records.

Laura: So you've got a list here of 5 things you'd do if qualifications and time and history and salary were no object.

Rob: Yeah.

Rob: I get by because of the people who make a special effort to shop here - mostly young men - who spend all their time looking for deleted Smith singles and original, not rereleased - underlined - Frank Zappa albums. Fetish properties are not unlike porn. I'd feel guilty taking their money, if I wasn't... well... kinda one of them.

Rob: [pauses] Is that Peter fucking Frampton?

Rob: And If I want to find the song "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac I have to remember that I bought it for someone in the fall of 1983 pile, but didn't give it to them for personal reasons.

Rob: You think sex is a basic human right?

Marie De Salle: Hell yeah, yeah.

Rob: [referring to Ian] I didn't like the guy before, but I fucking hate him now.

Rob: Just c'mon. What would it mean to you, that sentence - "I haven't seen Evil Dead II, yet"?

Barry: Well, to me it would mean you were a liar. You've seen it twice: once with Laura - Oops! - and once with me and Dick, remember? We had that conversation about the guy making Beretta shotgun ammunition offscreen in the 14th century.

Rob: The two to on my top five all-time break up list was Penny Hardwick.

Rob: Penny was great looking and her top five recording artists were Carly Simon, Carole King, James Taylor, Cat Stevens and Elton John.

Rob: [Discussing his break-up with Laura while on the phone with his mom] Laura didn't even want to get married. That's not what happens now.

Rob's Mom: [exasperated] Oh, I don't know what happens now, except you meet a girl, you move in, she goes! You meet a girl, you move in, SHE GOES!

Rob: Aw, SHUT UP, MOM!

[Slams the phone receiver down, then muttering]

Rob: God damn, that's some cold shit!

Rob: [From a deleted scene] Barry, you're over 30 years old. You owe it to yourself, to your friends, to your parents, NOT to play in a band called Sonic Death Monkey!

Barry: I owe it to myself to go RIGHT to the edge, Rob! And this band does exactly that. Over the edge, in fact!

Rob: Well, you'll be going right over the fucking edge if you come anywhere near me on Friday night!

Barry: That's what we want: reaction! Hey, this was Laura's idea, not mine, buddy. And if Laura's bourgeois lawyer friends can't take it, FUCK them. Let 'em riot, we can take it! We're fuckin' Sonic Death Monkey.

Rob: Songs at my funeral: "Many Rivers to Cross" by Jimmy Cliff, "Angel" by Aretha Franklin, and I've always had this fantasy that some beautiful, tearful woman would insist on "You're the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" by Gladys Knight. But who would that woman be?

Rob: Where's Ian? Or Ray, or... what is his fucking name, anyway? What do you call him, Ian or Ray?

Laura: Ray. I hate Ian.

Rob: I hate him too.

Laura: Yeah... I'm sure.

Rob: Marvin Gaye.

Laura: I know.

Rob: Let's get it on. That's our song. Marvin Gaye is responsible for our entire relationship.

Laura: Oh, is that so? I'd like a word with him then.

Rob: Some people never got over Vietnam or the night their band opened for Nirvana. I guess I never got over Charlie.

Rob: Alison married Kevin! I am fine now! Married her junior high school sweetheart: kissed me on the bench, kissed Kevin on the bench - MARRIED Kevin. This is great! This has got nothing to do with me! This is fate, this is destiny; it is beyond my control, beyond my fault. I love this!

Kate Holbrook: I'm sorry, I'm a little overly thorough. Some people would say that I am bossy and controlling.

Rob: No, that's just prejudice. They call you bossy and controlling because you're a woman. But if you were a man doing the same stuff... you'd just be a dick.

Rob: Do you want to come back to my...

Kate Holbrook: Yes. Absolutely!

Rob: Wow. Okay! Just to be clear, I was going to say my place...

Kate Holbrook: Uh-huh. I'm 37. I know how this works.

Steve: Gentlemen to bed! For at daybreak I will breakfast.

Rob: Sire, sire! Tis a continental breakfast. Will only take twenty minutes max.

Rob: You could have a costume drama here, couldn't you?

Steve: I would love-I'd absolutely-I'd just love to do a costume drama in these hills, leaping, vaulting over dry stone walls with a scabbard, with that dead look in my eyes, 'cause I've seen so many horrors that I'm sort of immune to them, and I'd say something like, "Gentlemen, to bed! Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at first light. Tomorrow we battle, and we may lose our lives. But remember: death is but a moment. Cowardice is a lifetime affliction."

Rob: Nice.

Steve: To bed, for we rise at daybreak!

Rob: Very good. Very impressive.

Steve: But they always, they always leave at daybreak. They never leave at, you know, nine-thirty. "Gentlemen to bed, for we leave at nine-thirty!"

Rob: Ish.

Steve: Ish. "Gentlemen to bed, for we rise at... What time is the battle? About, oh, twelve o'clock? Twelve o'clock. How is it on horseback, about three hours? So we leave about eight, eight-thirty?"

Rob: Eight-thirty for nine.

Steve: "Gentlemen, to bed! For we leave at eight-thirty for nine. And we rise at just after daybreak. Seven-thirty, so just after daybreak. Gentlemen to bed, for we leave at nine-thirty on the dot. On the dot."

Rob: Do you want to have a run, sire, in the morning? Just to loosen up, sire.

Steve: Yes.

Rob: Another thing they never say is, "Right! Well! We'd better make a move. I want to get back in daylight. We'd better make a move."

Steve: To bed! Tomorrow we ride! We leave at ten-ish.

Rob: You know, when someone dies, and they go to the funeral, and they say, you know, "We should have done this when he was *alive*! He would have *loved* this!"

Steve: Hmmm, what, cremated him?

Steve, Rob: Come, come, Mr. Bond, you derive as much pleasure from killing as I do.

Emma: [upon looking at Mount Vesuvius from a ferry] Do you think it's still active?

Rob: I like to think so.

Steve: First class?

Rob: No, business or upper class virgin

Steve: You do know that I'm not a homosexual

Rob: We are not having a romantic dinner, we are having a stimulating lunch

Rob: Debbie, you wanna stay away form weed. You know it's gonna lead you into cigarettes.

Rob: I got something in here that's gonna make you bigger than the topless grandmother of six. Think of that.

[opens suitcase]

Debbie Dunham: Jesus Christ that's a snake!

Pat Kramer: Please, won't you help me? You are so much kinder, than the others.

Rob: Look, I only work here lady.

Pat Kramer: Don't you know who I am? I'm the shrinking woman, I'm Pat Kramer.

Rob: You're Pat Kramer's clone, the real Pat Kramer's dead.

Pat Kramer: Dead?

Rob: Deader, than a doornail.

Rob: I just don't understand why he is doing this. Swimming The English Channel will NOT bring Stuart back.

Joan: [as she leaves the kitchen, she turns back to her son] It's not Stuart he wants back, Rob.

Rob: Well Daisy May, if you want a job done, you have to do it yourself.

Carrie: I saw you talking to someone pretty!

Rob: Yeah, man, who was that?

Joel: She was... just a girl.

Joel: Why would she do that to me?

Rob: Hey does anybody want a joint?

[looking at the letter from Lacuna, Inc]

Joel: What is it?

Rob: I don't know, it's a place that does a thing...

[Hammering noises in the background]

Rob: Fuck!

Carrie: Rob, give it a rest.

Rob: Carrie, I am making a birdhouse.

Carrie: You're stoned and you're driving.

Rob: Pot balances me out. Pot brings me up. That's I smoke it if I'm going to be drinking.

Rob: It's not about us, it's about Joel, who's an adult, okay, not "Momma Carrie's kid"!

Rob: The plane crashed. I didn't crash the plane.

Rob: Dude, I just keep putting this shit on until I want to fuck myself!

Chris: We are NOT a cover band, we're a TRIBUTE band!

Rob: No Dude, WE are a cover band! Problem is, we've been covering the tunes, you think you're in goddamn Steel Dragon... I love you man but you're mental, you really are. You need to get a grip on reality, man, you don't know where Bobby Beers ends and you begin.

Rob: Wouldn't you rather fail as yourself, then succeed as some Bobby Beers clone?

Chris: I don't want to be in some cut-rate cover band that butchers the music the people come to hear, just so you can play your crappy originals!

Rob: Crappy originals? I think "Whole and a half" kicks ass, and I'm proud as shit to have written it.

Chris: Yeah? I guess that's why we get so many requests for it.

Rob: Bradley's our new front man.

Chris: You've made your point... now, get him... out.

Rob: See this? This is the new PA he brought with him. Oh and that... that's the mixing board he brought with him too.

Chris: Have you heard the voice he's brought with him?

Rob: I'm looking for a job!

Sofia: What kind of a job? A handjob?

Sue Thomason: I no longer sing in public.

Rob: What? I mean, what's the point of having good hair if you don't sing in public.

[Rob nearly attacks Trish by mistake]

Rob: What the hell are you doing here?

Trish: What are you trying to do, kill me?

Rob: Help! He's killing me! He's killing me!

Rob: Jason's body has disappeared from the morgue.

Trish: It was stolen.

Rob: It was not stolen. Two people at the hospital are missing. Is this coincidence? He's alive.

Rob: [possessed by the Djinn] The only thing he thought about was fucking Stella/Annie

Rob: [taking Terri under his arm] Okay, where do we sleep?

Pa: ...Just a second...you hitched?

Rob: Huh?

Pa: Hitched! Hitched! Hitched! Hitched! It means married, that's what it means!

Rob: Nope

Pa: Well then, where do you think you're going?

Rob: Goin' to bed, get our 40 winks.

Pa: No you're not. There will be no devil's play in this house...

Joanne: Great! What do we do now?

Rob: Let's call Oprah. Hell, I don't know.

Joanne: Rob, I can fix it!

Rob: Yeah, well, I can fix it better.

Rob: Crazy clown time is coming to an end right now!

Gordon: So tell me then... you don't want to be here?

Rob: I'm just not sure the outdoors are my thing.