Rick Quotes in The Mummy (1999)

Beni: [after a shipwreck] Hey, O'Connell! It looks to me like I've got all the horses!

Rick: Hey, Beni! Looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the river!

Hangman: [Rick is about to be hanged] Any last requests, pig?

Rick: Yeah. Loosen the knot and let me go.

Warden Gad Hassan: [the hangman says something to the warden in Arabic]

[Angrily]

Warden Gad Hassan: Yahemar! Of course we don't let him go!

[the hangman smacks Rick on the back of the head]

Rick: Well if it ain't my little buddy Beni. I think I'll kill you.

Beni: Think of my children.

Rick: You don't have any children

Beni: Someday I might.

Evelyn: Look, I... I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker, or a gunfighter, Mr. O'Connell, but I am proud of what I am.

Rick: And what is that?

Evelyn: I... am a librarian.

Evelyn: [Upon opening the tomb] I've dreamt about this since I was a little girl.

Rick: You dream about dead guys?

Rick: Can you swim?

Evelyn: Well, of course I can swim if the occasion calls for it.

Rick: [throwing her overboard] Trust me. It calls for it.

Rick: I only gamble with my life, never my money.

Evelyn: [Evy is drunk] You're wondering, 'What is a place like me doing in a girl like this?'

Rick: Yeah, something like that.

Evelyn: [at Hamunaptra, opening Imhotep's sarcophagus] Oh my God, I hate it when these things do that.

Rick: Is he supposed to look like that?

Evelyn: No, I've never seen a mummy look like this before. He's still... still...

Rick, Jonathan: ...juicy.

Evelyn: You were actually at Hamunaptra?

Rick: Yeah, I was there.

Evelyn: You swear?

Rick: Every damn day.

Beni: As long as I serve him, I am immune.

Rick: Immune from what?

Beni: Piszkos állat.

["filthy animal"]

Rick: What did you say?

Beni: I don't want to tell you. You'll just hurt me some more.

Rick: Let me get this straight, they ripped out your guts and they stuffed them in jars?

Evelyn: And they take out your heart as well. Oh, and you know how they took out your brains?

Jonathan: Evy, I don't think we need to know this

Evelyn: They take a sharp, red hot poker, stick it up your nose, scramble things about a bit, and then rip it all out through your nostrils.

Rick: Ooh, that's got to hurt.

Evelyn: It's called mummification, you'll be dead when they do this.

Rick: For the record, if I don't make it out of here, don't put me down for mummification.

Jonathan: Likewise.

Winston: So, what's your little problem got to do with His Majesty's Royal Air Corps?

Rick: Not a damn thing.

Winston: Is it dangerous?

Rick: Well, you probably won't live through it.

Winston: By Jove, do you really think so?

Jonathan: Well, everybody else we've bumped into has died. Why not you?

Evelyn: Patience is a virtue.

Rick: Not right now it isn't.

Rick: Are you sure you want to be playing around with this thing?

Evelyn: It's just a book. No harm ever came from reading a book.

Jonathan: [they have just walked into a large room full of gold] Can you see...

Rick: Yeah.

Jonathan: Can you believe...

Rick: Yeah.

Jonathan: Can we just...

Rick: No.

Evelyn: Have you got any bright ideas?

Rick: I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

Evelyn: You better think of something fast, because, if he turns me into a mummy you're the first one I'm coming after.

Evelyn: By the way, why did you kiss me?

Rick: I don't know. I was about to be hanged. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Evelyn: Ooh!

[gets up and walks away in a huff]

Rick: [Calling after her] What? What'd I say?

Rick: That's called "stealing," you know.

Evelyn: According to you and my brother it's called "borrowing."

Rick: Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

Evelyn: The only thing that scares me, Mr. O'Connell, are your manners.

Rick: [trying to pack Evelyn's things into a suitcase but as he's packing, she's taking her things back out again] I thought you said you didn't believe in all this fairy tales and hokum stuff!

Evelyn: Well, having an encounter with a three thousand year old walking, talking corpse does tend to convert one.

Rick: Forget it! We're out the door, we're down the hall, and we're gone.

Evelyn: Oh no we are not!

Rick: Oh yes we are!

Evelyn: Oh no we are not! We woke him up and we are going stop him!

Rick: We? What 'we'? We didn't read that book, I told you not to play around with that thing, didn't I tell you not to play around with that thing?

Evelyn: Yes, that's right, me, me, me, me, I, I, I woke him up and I intend to stop him.

Rick: Oh yeah? How? You heard the man, no mortal weapons can kill this guy

Evelyn: Then we're just going to have to find some immortal ones!

Rick: There goes that 'we' again, y'know I wonder if-

[Evelyn slams the suitcase shut on Rick's fingers]

Rick: Ah!

Evelyn: Listen we've got to do something! Once the creature's been reborn his curse is going to spread until the whole of the earth is destroyed!

Rick: And is that my problem?

Evelyn: Well it is everybody's problem!

Rick: Evelyn, I appreciate you saving my life and all but when I signed on I agreed to take you out there and bring you back, end of job, end of story, contract terminated!

Evelyn: Oh, that's all I am to you, a contract?

Rick: Ok look, you can either tag along with me or stay here... and try to save the world! What's it gonna be?

Evelyn: I'm staying.

Rick: Fine!

Evelyn: Fine!

Rick: Fine.

Evelyn: Fine.

Rick: Fine.

[leaves and slams the door]

Evelyn: Ooh...

Jonathan: Well, I guess we go home empty handed. Again.

Rick: I wouldn't say that.

[Kisses Evy]

Jonathan: Oh please.

[to his camel]

Jonathan: How about you darling, would you like a little kissy-wissy?

[the camel breathes on him]

Jonathan: Whew!

Rick: [a bunch of mummies start coming out of the ground] Who the hell are these guys?

Ardeth Bay: Priests. *Imhotep's* priests.

Rick: All right then.

[Starts shooting]

Rick: You came back from the desert with a new friend. Didn't you, Beni?

Beni: What friend? You are my only friend.

Winston: What's the challenge, then?

Rick: Rescue the damsel in distress, kill the bad guy, save the world.

Warden Gad Hassan: [to O'Connell about the burning, sinking ship they are on] What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

Rick: Wait here. I'll go get help.

[jumps overboard]

Beni: You never believed in Hamunaptra, O'Connell. Why are you going back?

Rick: You see that girl?

[points to Evelyn]

Rick: She saved my neck.

Beni: You always did have more balls than brains.

Jonathan: [Trying to buy some camels from a Bedouin] I only want four! Four! I only want four, not a whole bloody herd! O'Connell! Can you believe the cheek?

Rick: Would you just pay the man!

Jonathan: Oh, for heaven's sake! Can't believe the price of these flea bags! Yes, happy. Very good.

Rick: You probably could have gotten them for free, all we had to do was give him your sister.

Jonathan: Yes. Yes. Awfully tempting, wasn't it?

Rick: [as Evelyn walks up looking beautiful in her new black clothes with a veil hiding her face except the eyes] Awf'lly...

Rick: Oh, yeah. This just keeps gettin' better and better.

Evelyn: We must stop him from regenerating. Who opened that chest?

Mr. Henderson: Well, there was me, and Daniels here. Oh, and Burns, of course.

Mr. Daniels: And that Egyptologist feller.

Rick: What about my buddy, Beni?

Mr. Daniels: Nah, he scrammed out of there 'fore we opened the damn thing.

Mr. Henderson: Yeah. He was the smart one.

Rick: Well, yeah, that sounds like Beni.

Evelyn: There is only one person I know that can possibly give us any answers.

[sees Ardeth Bay]

Evelyn: You?

Dr. Bey: Miss Carnahan. Gentlemen.

[the men draw their guns and point them at Ardeth]

Evelyn: [about Ardeth] What is HE doing here?

Dr. Bey: Do you really want to know, or would you prefer to just shoot us?

Rick: After what I just saw, I'm willing to go on a little faith here.

Rick: Look at what I've got!

[holds up the cat]

Rick: [Imhotep gasps]

[cat hisses]

Rick: [Imhotep shrieks and flees in a dust storm]

Rick: This door doesn't open. She doesn't come out, and no one goes in.

[to Mr. Henderson]

Rick: Right?

Mr. Henderson: Right.

Rick: [to Mr. Daniels] Right?

Mr. Daniels: Right.

Rick: Let's go Jonathan.

Jonathan: Oh, well, I thought I could just stay at the fort and, uh, reconnoiter.

Rick: Now!

Jonathan: Yeah. Right. We're just gonna rescue the... Egyptologist.

Rick: So what's the scam, Beni? You take them out into the middle of the desert and then you leave 'em to rot?

Beni: Unfortunately, no. These Americans are smart. They pay me only half now, half when I get them back to Cairo, so this time I must go all the way.

Rick: Them's the breaks, huh?

Evelyn: [about O'Connell] Personally, I think he's filthy, rude, a complete scoundrel. I don't like him one bit.

Rick: Anyone I know?

Beni: You just got promoted.

Rick: [shouting to troops] Prenez vos positions! Steady!

[to Beni]

Rick: You're with me on this one, right?

Beni: Oh, your strength gives me strength.

[Beni runs away]

Evelyn: Keep him busy.

Rick: [being thrown against a pillar by Imhotep] No problem.

Rick: [to Evelyn who was just attacked/almost kissed by Imhotep] You all right?

Jonathan: [standing several feet behind Rick] Well, I'm not sure.

Rick: Hey! Get your ugly face offa her.

Rick: [Hamunaptra is about to be destroyed] Time to go.

Rick: You're gonna get yours, Beni. You hear me? You're gonna get yours.

Beni: Oh, like I've never heard *that* before.

Evelyn: The map! The map! We forgot the map!

Rick: Relax. I'm the map. It's all up here.

[points to his head]

Evelyn: Oh, that's comforting.

Rick: [being chased by a sandstorm] Hey, Winston! Pedal faster.

Rick: [Seeing Imhotep regenerate] We are in serious trouble.

Winston: You know, O'Connell, ever since the end of the Great War, there hasn't been a single challenge worthy of a man like me.

Rick: Yeah? Well, we all got our little problems today. Don't we, Winston?

Jonathan: [about a noise] What was that?

Rick: Sounds like... bugs.

Evelyn: [to the warden] He said 'bugs.'

Warden Gad Hassan: What do you mean bugs? I hate bugs!

Rick: [after a mysterious wind blows up for the umpteenth time] That happens a lot around here.

Rick: Time to close the door.

Rick: Forget it. We're out the door, we're down the hall and we're gone.

Mr. Henderson: [when Hamunaptra is revealed in the morning] Look at that!

Mr. Daniels: Can you believe it?

Mr. Burns: Hamunaptra.

Rick: Here we go again.

Rick: [inspecting Imhotep's sarcophagus] This looks like some sort of a lock.

Jonathan: Well, whoever's in here sure wasn't getting out.

Rick: [while brandishing a sword] Yaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

Mummy Soldiers: [Mouths opening wide] Rhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Rick: [Scared] uh-uh

[runs away]

Ardeth Bay: [to Alex] By putting this on, you have started a chain reaction that could bring about the next apocalypse.

[Alex gasps]

Rick: [to Ardeth] You, lighten up.

[to Alex]

Rick: You, big trouble.

[to Jonathan]

Rick: You, get in the car.

Rick: [Evelyn drags a bench to block the museum's entrance] Honey, what are you doing? These guys don't use doors.

Evelyn: [about Ahm Shere] Alexander the Great sent troops in search of it.

Rick: Great for him.

Evelyn: So did Caesar.

Rick: Yeah, look what happened to his career.

Evelyn: And Napoleon.

Rick: Yeah, but, we're smarter than him. And taller, too.

Evelyn: Exactly. That's why we're the ones who are gonna find it.

Rick: Because we're taller?

Rick: Alex I've got a big job for you. I want you to stay here and protect the car.

Jonathan: I can do that!

Alex: Protect the car? Come on, dad. Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I'm stupid.

Rick: I know.

Alex: [ruffles his hair] Dad!

Rick: Ehh...

Jonathan: If you see anyone come running out screaming, it's just me.

Rick: [to Jonathan about Alex] Maybe you should stay here and watch him.

Jonathan: Yes, now you're talking.

Evelyn: No harm ever came from opening a chest

Rick: Yeah, right, and no harm ever came from reading a book. You remember how that one went?

Ardeth Bay: [on seeing Rick's tattoo] If I were to say to you that, "I am a stranger traveling from the East, seeking that which is lost"...

Rick: Then I would reply that, "I am a stranger traveling from the West, it is I whom you seek."

Ardeth Bay: Then it is true. You have the sacred mark.

Rick: What, that? No, that got slapped on me when I was in an orphanage in Cairo.

Ardeth Bay: That mark means you are a protector of man. A warrior for God. A Medjai.

Rick: I'm sorry. You've got the wrong guy.

Rick: Where the hell's Jonathon?

Evelyn: [Jonathon drives up in a double-decker bus] Alex.

Rick: What's the matter with my car?

Jonathan: Well, I was forced to find an alternative means of transportation.

Rick: A double-decker bus?

Jonathan: [pointing to Alex] It was his idea.

Alex: Was not!

Jonathan: Was too!

Rick: Just go!

Alex: Was not!

Jonathan: Was too!

Izzy: [after their narrow escape, Izzy cheers wildly, then rounds on O'Connell]

[furious]

Izzy: O'Connell, you almost got me killed!

Rick: [shrugs weakly] At least you didn't get shot.

Evelyn: [Izzy is about to say more, when Evie grabs him and smothers his face with kisses] Izzy, thank you! Thank you!

Izzy: [considerably more mellow] O'Connell, who the hell you been messing with this time, huh?

Rick: Oh, you know, the usual. Mummies, pygmies, big bugs.

Rick: Let me guess, it was commanded by this Scorpion King guy?

Evelyn: Yes, but he only awakens once every 5,000 years.

Rick: Right. And if someone doesn't kill him, then he's gonna wipe out the world.

Evelyn: How did you know?

Rick: I didn't, but that's always the story.

Evelyn: The last known expedition to actually reach Ahm Shere was sent by Ramses the Fourth over 3,000 years ago. He sent over a thousand men.

Rick: And none of them was ever seen again.

Evelyn: How did you know?

Rick: I didn't, but that's always the story.

Ardeth Bay: I am sorry if I alarmed your son. But you must understand, now that the bracelet is on his wrist, we have only seven days before the Scorpion King awakens!

Rick: We? What we?

Ardeth Bay: If he is not killed, he will raise the Army of Anubis!

Jonathan: I take it that's not a good thing?

Rick: Oh, he'll wipe out the world.

Jonathan: Ah, the old "Wipe-Out-The-World" ploy.

Rick: Right, she's a reincarnated princess and I'm a warrior for God?

Ardeth Bay: And your son leads the way to Ahm Shere. Three sides of the pyramid. This was all preordained thousands of years ago.

Evelyn: But how does the story end?

Ardeth Bay: Only the journey is written, not the destination.

Rick: Convenient.

Rick: [witnessing Imhotep's resurrection] You know, a couple of years ago, this would have seemed really strange to me.

Rick: Okay - you're here, the bad guys are here, Evy's been kidnapped. Let me guess...

Ardeth Bay: Yes, they once again removed the creature from his grave.

Jonathan: I don't mean to point fingers, but isn't it your job to make sure that doesn't happen?

Jonathan: Pull me up. Pull me up.

[he sees the huge diamond on top of the pyramid]

Jonathan: Wait, wait. Let me down. Let me down.

Rick: It's not worth your life, you idiot.

Jonathan: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Rick: [talking about Alex] I swear that kid gets more and more like you every day.

Evelyn: You mean more attractive, sweet and devilishly charming?

Rick: No. He's driving me crazy.

Rick: [Evelyn has just kicked a poisonous snake towards Rick] Those are poisonous, you know.

Evelyn: Only if they bite you.

Izzy: Remember that bank job in Marrakesh?

Evelyn: Bank job?

Rick: It's not like it sounds.

Izzy: Oh it's exactly how it sounds. I'm flying high, hiding in the sun, the white boy here flags me down so I fly in low for the pickup. The next thing I know, I get shot! I'm lying in the middle of the road with my spleen hangin' out and I see him waltzing up with some belly dancer girl.

Evelyn: Belly dancer girl? Izzy, I think you and I should talk.

Izzy: As long as I don't get shot.

Evelyn: [Evie is trying to bribe Rick into checking out the Oasis of Ahm Shere] I think the bracelet is some sort of guide to the lost oasis of Ahm Shere.

Rick: Evy, I know what you're thinking and the answer is no. We just got home.

Evelyn: That's the beauty of it, we're already packed.

Rick: Why don't you just give me one good reason.

Evelyn: It's just an oasis. Darling. A beautiful, exciting, romantic oasis.

Rick: The kind with the white, sandy beach and the palm trees and the cool, clear, blue water and - we could have some of those big drinks with the little umbrellas.

Evelyn: Sounds good.

Rick: Sounds too good. What's the catch?

Evelyn: Supposedly it's the resting place of Anubis's army.

Rick: Ah, ya. see. I knew there's a catch. There's always a catch.

Izzy: Isn't she beautiful?

Rick: It's a balloon!

Izzy: Ach, it's a dirigible.

Rick: Where's your airplane?

Izzy: Hah, airplanes are a thing of the past.

Rick: Izzy, you were right.

Izzy: I was?

Rick: Yeah.

[draws pistol]

Rick: You're gonna get shot.

Ardeth Bay: Wherever this man is, your wife will surely be.

Alex: [Alex rips the picture out of Ardeth's hands] Hey, I know him. He's the curator. He works at the British Museum.

Ardeth Bay: Are you sure?

Rick: You better believe him, he spends more time there then he does at home.

Rick: [Rick opens up his trunk] You want the shotgun?

Ardeth Bay: No, I prefer the Thompson.

Rick: [O'Connell sees mummified soldiers destroying his car] No, no, not my car! Oh, I hate mummies.

Izzy: This thing was filled with gas. Not hot air - gas. I need gas to get this thing off the ground. Where am I gonna get gas from around here? Huh? Bananas? Mangos? Tarzan's ass? Well maybe I can finagle it to take hot air. But do you know how many cubic meters I'd need? I mean, it's too big!

Rick: If anybody can fill this thing up with hot air, Izzy... it's you.

Rick: [Rick comes in and sees Jonathan being interrogated by thugs] Uh, hello. Jonathan, I thought I said no more wild parties.

Jonathan: Well, when you're popular...

Ardeth Bay: Whomever can kill the Scorpion King can send his army back to the underworld, or use it to destroy mankind and rule the Earth!

Rick: So that's why they dug up Imhotep, 'cause he's the only guy tough enough to take out the Scorpion King.

Ardeth Bay: That is their plan.

Rick: [sees hieroglyphic of warrior with a tattoo like his] OK, NOW I'm a believer!

Rick: Knowing my brother-in-law, he probably deserves whatever you're about to do to him. But this is my house. I have certain rules about snakes and dismemberment.

Rick: [about the fire torch Evie is holding] You know if you move that fast enough, you can almost write your name?

Rick: [after crashing through London and fighting off the Mummy soldiers] You all right?

Ardeth Bay: This was my first bus ride.

Izzy: O'Connell, if you give me that gold stick there, you can shave my head, wax my legs, and use me for a surfboard.

Rick: Didn't we do that in Tripoli?

Rick: Go to hell and take your friends with you.

Rick: [when Mummys appears] Oh, I hate these guys.

Ardeth Bay: [Rick, Ardeth and the others are being pursued by Imhotep's soldier-mummies] Glad to see me now?

Rick: Just like old times, huh?

Rick: Thought I almost lost you.

Evelyn: For a moment there you did.

Evelyn: Do you want to know what heaven looks like?

Rick: Later.

Alex: Oh please!

Rick: This is bad, Evy.

Evelyn: We've had bad before.

Rick: This is worse.

Rick: Alex?

Alex: What were you thinking, a mummy had come back to life?

Rick: I'll tell you a story some time.

Rick: What'd you do this time?

Jonathan: Well, I haven't done anything to anybody

[bullets fly through the door]

Jonathan: ... lately.

Izzy: O'Connell, who the hell you been messing with this time, huh?

Rick: Oh, you know, the usual. Mummies, pygmies, big bugs.

Evelyn: Would you like to know what heaven looks like?

Rick: Later.

Rick: [about mummified soldiers] Oh no, not these guys again.

Rick: Okay, now you're starting to scare me.

Evelyn: Now I'm starting to scare myself.

Evelyn: [trying to convince Rick] That's why I love you.

Rick: Nice try.

Rick: You know, it's not easy being a... dad.

Alex: Yeah. But you do it real good.

Rick: Have I kissed you today?

[does]

Rick: I hate it when you do that.

Rick: [grins] Why?

Evelyn: It makes me feel like agreeing to anything.

Rick: Anything?

Meela: [interrogating Jonathan] Where's your wife?

Jonathan: My wife? Oh you mean Evie, I think she went off to Baden-Baden or Tibet or something, the girl is a free spirit, did I mention I was single now?

Meela: [pulls a snake out of a basket] Egyptian Aps are quite poisonous

[one of her men holds a knife to Jonathan's throat]

Jonathan: [about the bracelet] It's downstairs in the safe the combination is 3,20,58,3,9,3 something, it's the safe downstairs I told you, I told you.

Meela: [pets and kisses the snake] And your point is?

[walks towards him and points the snake at his throat]

Jonathan: [backs away] I told you, I told you so you wouldn't kill me!

Meela: When did we make that arrangement?

[Rick enters and interrupts]

Rick: Oh hello

[sees Jonathan tied up and Meela and her men surrounding him]

Rick: Jonathan I thought I told you no more wild parties.

Jonathan: You know when you're popular.

Neville Flynn: Hey, hey, hey, we have to figure something out.

Rick: All right. Well, I know what I gotta do. We're in a 200-foot aluminum tube and we're 30,000 feet in the air. And any one of those slimy little pieces of shit can trip a circuit or a relay or a hydraulic and this bird goes down faster than a Thai hooker. So my job is to keep LAX informed on how totally screwed we are, and then find some way to keep this mother in the sky another two hours. Figure that out.

Rick: You don't think I know it's hotter than hell in here? We also have abnormal vibrations in engines one and two. I had no choice but to throttle back.

Neville Flynn: You slowed down?

Rick: Yeah. Well, you know. It's that or option B.

Claire Miller: Which is?

Rick: I go faster and the engines seize up; We eventually plummet to a horrible death; They spend the next year identifying femurs.

Rick: Oh, my. I was hoping you'd be the sky-candy on this flight. You're looking especially delicious this evening.

Claire Miller: I love it when you demean me, Rick.

Rick: My pleasure.

Claire Miller: [to the wounded Rick] You sure you can fly this thing with one hand?

Rick: Honey, you'd be surprised at what a man can do with one hand.

Rick: Oh, god! Don't! I've told you everything!

Darkman: [softly] I know, Rick. I know you did.

[furiously]

Darkman: But let's pretend you didn't!

Rick: [to the ducks] You're nothin' but white trash!

Russ: [leans forward] Uh, who are you callin' white trash?

Charlie Conway: [after Cole steals Charlie's lunch] Aww. C'mon, my mommy made me brownies

Fulton: Yeah, fresh warm ones.

Rick: It's too bad about your bash brother, I heard he was too scared to leave home.

Fulton: Portman ain't scared of nothin'.

Cole: Eww, what the hell kind of brownies are these?

Charlie Conway: I gotta tell her to stop using horse turds in the recipe.

Rick Jarmin: I haven't had a girlfriend for 5 years.

Marianne Graves: Really?

Rick: Yeah - Mr. Wiggly's been on bread and water for 5 years.

Rick Jarmin: What does it matter to you - you're happily married?

Marianne Graves: I'm not.

Rick: Not happy?

Marianne: Not married.

Shannon: I'm so tired of running. Why can't we put the goddamned seeds in the ground here?

Rick: What if they come?

Shannon: What if they don't?

Rick: So this is where you work Turtle?

Turtle: Only when da surf's bad, Barney. Cause' when da surf's good, nobody works!

Turtle: Stay loose, haole.

Rick: What's a haole?

Turtle: A tourist, a mainlander, like you.

Rick: I'm not a tourist.

Turtle: Whatever, Barney.

Rick: What's a Barney?

Turtle: It's like Barno... Barnyard... a haole to the max, a kook in and out of the water. Yeah?

Rick: Ease it back, man. That donut ain't fuckin' around.

[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick]

Guy: Hey, Ted!

Ted: Guy?

Guy: I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted.

[Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]

Rick: Hey, how are you doin'?

Ted: Hey, what's going on?

Guy: What are you doing here?

Ted: [sighs] You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?

Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.

Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.

[Guy stops a guest passing by]

Ted: Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?

[Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]

Ted: Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there.

[noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]

Guy: Right on. You too, man.

[Guy looks at his hands]

Guy: Goddammit, that underwear had shit on it!

[Donny and Jessup leave the Hasbro panel with an unconscious Ted]

Donny: Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs.

Tom Jessup: Is that him?

Donny: Uh, yeah, there was an issue, so he's unconscious now. This is him.

Tom Jessup: Jesus! Why did you bring him here?

Donny: Well, I've been following him around since yesterday. This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast.

[Guy and Rick appear behind them]

Guy: Hey, Ted!

[Donny and Jessup turn around]

Guy: Is that you?

Donny: Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a, in a stroller, so we're gonna take him back and sober him up.

Guy: [pointing at them] Ah, rock on, Ted.

Donny: [pointing back] Eff yeah.

[Donny and Jessup proceed down the hallway]

Rick: Hey guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.

[Guy trips a Starfleet Redshirt cosplayer]

Guy: Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man.

Rick: Relax, relax!

Gina: I need to go right now, okay? Do you here me?

Cliff: This is my wife's friend, she has little issue with um... crystal meth, okay? Normally she's pretty functional, but obviously... this ain't normal.

Gina: He killed my Nicko! He killed my boyfriend!

Cliff: Oh, come on!

Gina: He wants to be us! That's what he wants, okay... him and his wife wanna be us!

Cliff: She's dosed right out of her mind right now... I mean it's been. Look! Look, look, look, look, come here.

Gina: No, no, no! Don't go, Don't go.

Cliff: Look at this... I'm finding these the whole trip. I think she just got in over her head this time. So, I hope you don't have to involve the... police or anything like that. I mean, I promise I'll get her back safe... okay?

Gina: Don't listen to him! Don't listen to him!

Sherman: Look mam, we're just here because someone took off with two of our boats. The last thing we want is to get involved with somebody else's mess.

Cliff: Okay, cool.

Sherman: Right?

Rick: Yeah, right.

Cliff: Cool.

Rick: Except...

Cliff: Except what?

Rick: Ya know it's just that, I don't get why her pupils are normal... and yours are the size of olives.

Cliff: Guys... that was a perfectly good story.

[starts shooting everyone]

Cliff: Fuck! Count your fucking shots!

Robyn: Rick, I'm so alone.

Rick: We all are.

Robyn: Would you mind not taking pictures?

Rick: A man has to do his job...

Robyn: That's exactly the reason blacks were dumped into missions. Men just doing their job.

Rick: I didn't realize how big camels are. It's like a cow and giraffe mixture. It's crazy.

Munk: Are you sure about this?

Rick: No. Act cool.

Rick: [to Troll guards] Hey I'm just tryin' to put money in your pocket playa. Yo.

Munk: Umm... Yo?

Mambo: Yo! We're cool. We're low. We're on the down low. The DL. Down low. Way down we're slowly rolly polly oly.

Mambo: [after Munk pulls him away from the guards] Hey! What's wrong with you? I'm down!

Rick: Can I get you guys a refill on the mead?

Wolf #1: [gestures to a chair] What's your rush, kid? Sit down!

Wolf #2: Take a load off! Pour yourself a glass.

Rick: [sits] All right! Don't mind if I do. You know, that's the first time anybody asked me to sit down...

[puts feet up, accidentally kicks fork, drink flies across room and melts witch]

Wolf #1: So, what's your name, kid?

Rick: Rick.

Wolf #2: So, are you a good guy, or a bad guy, or what kind?

Rick: Neither! I work in the kitchen.

Wolf #1: Let me give you some advice. Around here, you're either a good guy, or a bad guy. And between you and me, I don't see much future in being good. *Capiche*?

Rick: What's goin' on?

Mambo: [watching Prince Humperdink storm the castle] There's the dashing prince, he's charging, he's wielding his noble sword, with... with fiery determination, he's falling off, he's falling off the steed, he fell off... he's on the ground now, he's on the ground, he's lookin' for his noble sword...

Rick: I'm almost startin' to feel sorry for the guy!

Mambo: He's feeling around, is that, he has a stick,

[Humperdink shrieks]

Mambo: oh... ooh, they're kicking him now... and they're laughing, they're laughing at him, and they're, he, oh, he just... got... captured...

Rick: Munk's the guy who looks at the glass as half-empty. Mambo's the guy who... Probably peed in the glass.

Rick: Believe it or not, it gets worse.

Rick: Uhh... happy music please.

Rick: ...I'll give you the lowdown on Fairytale Land. Yeah, the name's kind of corny, but we had to call it something and "Canada" was already taken.

Ella: Rick! I was dancing with the prince and my dress disappeared!

Rick: Ok, too much information, but thank you!

Rick: Look, I say there's no time to find the prince! We gotta take Frieda out! Ourselves!

Munk: But she has the wizard's staff!

Rick: So, take it! Just create a distraction, sneak up on her, and jump her.

Mambo: Okay, good, we make a distraction, we do some sneaking, and then this 'jumping' thing thoUGH; I don't know, I have a bad back. Who's doin' the jumping?

Rick: We let down the male species, you know that?

Fred: Maybe you were right. Maybe we should call it a day, just ask the girls to come home.

Rick: NO! I want the Hall Pass, okay? At first I wasn't sure, but now I know I want it.

Fred: I don't even know what the dream is anymore...

Rick: I'll tell you what it is: I want to remember what it feels like to be with someone who really WANTS to be with me, out of pure desire, not because they HAVE to out of some sense of duty.

Rick: [after seeing Brent vandalize Fred's car] Take it easy, okay? Relax!

Brent: No! YOU take it easy! You think you can just come into my club and take my girl, and get away with it? No. Not tonight, buddy. Fuck, no! You're not gonna get away with it! NEVER! EVER!

Meg: [appears with Paige] Brent?

Brent: Mother? What are you doing here?

Fred: Wait wait wait. Aunt Meg is your mom?

Brent: [to Meg] How does he know your name?

Meg: Well, we, uh...

Brent: [shocked] What? No. No. No. No. Are you telling me that this 40-hour-a-week motherfucking soccer dad took my girl, and his flabby asshole... my MOTHER?

Fred: No! No, no, no! I didn't have sex with your mom! All I did was fake chow her! All right?

Rick: It's true!

Brent: [drops his crowbar] That's it. You two are dead men!

[pulls out a gun]

Fred: WHOA! HE'S GOT A GUN!

Meg: Brent, where did you get that?

Brent: Grandpa's closet!

[Rick bursts in on Fred doing fake chow to Meg]

Rick: Fred, we need to talk.

Aunt Meg: [to Fred] Fred? I thought you were Rick!

Rick: No, I'M Rick!

Aunt Meg: What?

Fred: Please don't judge me...

[Meg kicks his nose and breaks it]

Rick: [Rick turns his head and see's a naked man's large penis, then looks to the other naked man] Do me a favor, Irish, switch places with this guy.

Naked Man #2: Why?

[Camera view moves down to the crotch of the naked man opposite him, revealing his tiny penis]

Rick: You were my first. You were my last and you've been everything in between.

Rick: Maybe we should call the girls and ask them to come home.

Fred: Wait a second, you want to quit?

Rick: Fred, come on. We're not the same guys we were fifteen years ago, when we were single. We've changed.

Fred: No, YOU've changed. All you're thinking about is yourself.

Rick: Fred, I don't care! I'm exhausted! I want to go home! I miss my wife and kids, okay?

Fred: No, no, no, no, no! Let me explain something to you, okay? If Maggie and Grace find out that we can't get laid on our own, they'll start thinking that we need them to get laid! Do you realize what that'll do to the balance of power in our homes?

Fred: [just off the phone] God just sent us an angel from Heaven. Coakley's back in town.

Rick: What?

Fred: Yeah! And he wants to hang, and he wants to bang!

Rick: How about her?

Coakley: No, the tall blonde surrounds herself with a less attractive women to make herself look good.

Rick: Really?

Coakley: [as he moves his hands] Check this out. Hot, not.

Rick: That's awesome. You're like A Beautiful Mind.

Rick: Get him a body bag, Blaine!

[Terry kisses Rick in front of everybody at the prom]

Rick: [Rick pushes Terry off him and responds] It's okay, everybody. It's all right. He has tits.

[Terry opens her tuxedo shirt and reveals her breasts to Rick]

Rick: Wait a minute, are those what I think they are?

Terry: I'm sorry.

Rick: [Rick raises his voice in disbelief] Where do you get off having tits?

[Rick gets on the table in the high school cafeteria to make an announcement]

Rick: Um, excuse me. Could I have your attention please? Your attention? Every day at lunch, we get a very special treat from a very special guy. A guy who has dedicated his life to building his body, pushing his muscles to the very limits of human endurance. Why, you ask? Why? Well, to be strong enough to lift tables and spill food, Greg Tolan!

Rick: [everyone starts cheering and clapping with Rick] Whoa, wait. Let's take a moment to find out a little bit about the man behind the mess. Greg! May I call you Greg? Now, tell us, Greg, how did you get into spilling food, huh? Were you a messy baby? Did you hate your strained peas? Well, you know, how most psychologists tell us that guys, well, they get into body building to compensate for either a lack of IQ, or a small weenie. Which is it, Greg? Well, those of us in Greg's gym class certainly know the answer to that one.

Greg Tolan: [Greg makes the image of a penis with his pinky finger] I'm going to beat the shit out of you, Morehouse!

Deborah: [Deborah tries to keep Greg back] Greg, please!

Rick: Hey, isn't he great? Muscles and a sense of humor. Well, let's thank Greg for the many lunchtime thrills and spills he's given us. All right everybody, up! Come on, everybody up! Grab an end of your table!

Rick: [the kids in the cafeteria go to an end of their table] A tribute to you, Greg. Lift!

Rick: [everybody in the cafeteria lifts their table, spilling food, including spilling their food on Greg's feet] We love you, Greg!

[Rick and Terry talk in the boys' bathroom as Rick takes a leak unexpectedly]

Terry: What are you doing?

Rick: [Rick talks with his back to Terry] What's it look like I'm doing?

Terry: Well, do you have to do that in here?

Rick: Seemed like the right time, certainly the right place.

[Terry pumps up Rick to get back at Greg Tolan]

Terry: Oh, man, I've had it with that jerk. You want to know about Greg Tolan? I'll tell you about Greg Tolan. Greg Tolan is toast. He can't get away with this. We've got to get him back.

Rick: We and what army?

Terry: No violence. No need to sink to his level. You see, we have somethig that Greg Tolan will never have. Intelligence.

Rick: [Rick snaps his finger] You know, you're right. I mean, we're smart. Okay, Terry. What do we do?

Terry: I don't know.

Rick: Me neither.

[Terry tries to tell Rick that she's a girl]

Rick: [Rick chuckles] Yeah. Big night, huh?

Terry: I bet you're a little confused.

Rick: I think I understand.

Terry: I know I should've told you sooner, but, uh... I didn't. Um... I'm a...

Rick: [Rick cuts her off] Terry, I know. You're gay.

Terry: [Terry frowns] I'm not gay.

Rick: [Rick hesitates looking back towards Kevin] Wait a minute. Now I'm confused.

Terry: I'm a girl. I'm a woman.

Rick: [Rick chuckles] Right, and I'm Cindi Lauper.

[Terry tries to apologize to Rick for lying to him about being a guy]

Terry: There was this contest, and I needed prove it, but then I stayed and I met you. And you're so wonderful that...

Rick: Shit... I can't believe this.

Terry: Rick, I know you're mad, but I think you're terrific, and your friendship means so much to me that I just...

Rick: Then this whole thing was bullshit. Major bullshit.

[Rick and Terry tell each other they still have feelings for one another]

Terry: I thought you hated me.

Rick: I missed you. I read your article. Do you, uh... Still feel the same way about me?

Terry: Yeah, I guess I do.

[as Rick smiles and Terry blushes]

[Rick finishes beating up Greg, quoting to Greg his own favorite line to say]

Rick: 'No pain, no gain!'

[Rick helps Terry out of the bushes on her first day]

Terry: Great bunch of guys.

Rick: I see you met Greg Tolan. He kinda runs the school. I'm Rick Moorehouse. Try not to get us confused.

[Rick sees Terry get in Terry's car as Rick makes a comment about Sandy]

Rick: She's pretty nice.

Terry: Yeah, but I got this one rule. I never go out with girls who say 'bitchin.'

[Rick invites Terry in after she gives him a ride home from school]

Rick: Did you want to come in?

Terry: Well, I was just going to... Just going to tune on my car, maybe play a little football, but, yeah I got time.

[Rick tells Terry about what his girlfriend looks like for if his Mom asks]

Rick: Um, if my Mom comes home from work and she asks you about my girlfriend... Just so you know, her name is Alice, and she looks a lot like Chris Evert Lloyd.

Rick: [Terry makes a 'What?' face] I just don't want her to worry, you know, about my social life.

Terry: Yeah, but Chris Evert Lloyd?

[Rick shows Terry his bedroom and his love for James Brown]

Rick: I'm kind of into James Brown.

Terry: I guess so.

Rick: You know, Prince, Michael Jackson? It all goes back to James Brown, the godfather of soul. Not to mention, Mr. Humanitarian, My. Dynamite and the hardest working man in show business. Ah, New York City, live, the Apollo Theater, 1962. This man was king.

Terry: Well, let's hear some sounds.

Rick: I don't think so.

Terry: Stereo broken?

Rick: No, it's just something I do by myself.

Terry: Huh?

Rick: Well, when I hear James I have to dance. You know, like James. I can't help it. I go crazy. And, uh, I'm usually alone when I do it.

[Rick attempts to ask the student Jeanine out to the prom]

Rick: You know, I sit right next to you in physics class.

Rick: [Terry tries to warn Rick she has glasses on that Rick can't see from his angle] You have beautiful eyes.

Rick: [Rick finally sees that Jeanine is wearing glasses and he nervously responds] I'll bet!

[Rick attempts to ask the student Beth out to the prom]

Rick: Um... Beth. Doing anything, uh, prom night?

Beth: I'm going to the prom.

Rick: What about Saturday?

Beth: I'm busy.

Rick: Night?

Beth: I'm busy.

Rick: How about Sunday?

Beth: I'm busy.

Rick: How about any night in 1987?

Beth: I'm busy.

Rick: [Rick yells out] How about yesterday? You busy yesterday?

Beth: [Beth smiles] I think so, but you can ask me out again.

[Rick, Terry, and Kevin all confront each other on the beach]

Rick: [Rick asks Terry] Who is this guy?

Kevin: Terry's boyfriend. Who are you?

Rick: Just a friend.

Kevin: Terry, we can work this out. I know you still love me.

Terry: No, I don't, I love someone else.

Rick: [Terry glances over to Rick] Whoa, uh, thanks, but no, thanks...

[Terry tries to ask Rick out on a date as he reminds her he's the guy]

Terry: Well, hey, why don't we go out and have some fun? You know, like, maybe we could go out dancing Friday night.

Rick: Wait a minute. I'm the guy here. Let me just try this, okay? Why don't we go out dancing on Friday night?

Terry: [Terry smiles] What an original idea.

Rick: Hey, here he is, my homeless brother. Where's your cardboard box? And Linda, my god, ah - your body is ridonculous. Purrr.

Marissa: Rick I think you're making everybody uncomfortable.

Rick: Oh, everybody knows what I mean.

Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!

Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig too deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!

Steven Kovacs: Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else?

Rick: Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.

Rick: I have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even a guy who liked to be called "The Big Ragu".

Steven Kovacs: Carmine from Laverne & Shirley.

Rick: That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called Bewitched.

Steven Kovacs: So... He doesn't even work for the cable company.

Rick: Yahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up *tight*.

Buzz: [referring to the chainsaw wielding Leatherface] What the hell is that?

Rick: It's... It's some kind of a geek!

[Buzz and Rick are on the phone to Stretch]

Buzz: This is for Rick the Prick; he wants to hear "Bright Lights, Big Titties"!

Rick: Wrong! I don't wanna hear it - I wanna see it! "Bright Lights, Big Titties!" Woo!

Jenny: I seriously think it's time for you to move on and stop this broken-heart stuff.

Rick: All right. So... you wanna hook up?

Jenny: You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that, Rick.

Rick: [pause, lower] Soooo... ya still wanna hook up?

[Jenny laughs]

Stumpy: Rick! I'm your father!

Rick: Ok whatever!

Stumpy: Oh you foolish foolish boys. This is how it all starts. I've seen it all before. I was there. I was there. Yeah! It was called the 80's! Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House, FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bumming in a hole in the wall town in what is now called "Utah". Some fellow from Colorado shows up- starts making all kinds of so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets were running us with lattes!

Rick: No?

Stumpy: Yup!... It got so bad that a fellow that liked to, you know, smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster! Maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, is uncouth, "Against God!" and bad for real estate values. STUMPY HAD TO GOOOO! Richard, be careful what you wish for.

Rick: You got it Stump

Stumpy: Be careful what you wish for!

Rick: I will

Stumpy: Alright?

[slams knife down onto table but into his own hand]

Rick: GOD!

Stumpy: [voice straining] I'm good

Pigpen: [nonchalantly] You better put something on that

Stumpy: [Walks away straining]

Lance: Hey. Hot sluts with tits.

Rick: Lance, you don't need to do that anymore, remember?

Lance: Oh yeah. Sorry. Old habits die hard. Oh what the hell - I LOVE MEN. Who wants me?

Rick: Well you don't need to do that either...

Rick: You're pretty good with these kids. They seem to like you.

Jenny: Well, I seem to have experience dealing with immature boys.

Rick: Ouch.

Rick: Pig Pen, when I want advice about a good Planet of the Apes film or maybe how to get the resin out of my bong I'll come to you ok? But I am not gonna take romantic advice from somebody who cannot spell romantic or advice... or bong.

Rick: Bull Mountain is our home, and I say we do something about it!

Pig Pen: Yeah! It is our town!

Jenny: Yeah!

Barry: So you got a plan?

Rick: No.

Luke: [pause] I'm in.

Anthony: Me too.

Jenny: Let's do it!

Paul: I was wondering if I could fuck you.

Rick: Man, I don't do things like that.

Paul: That's what makes it so nice. You don't.

Rick: Any time Pizza Boy! Any time Gary, man!

Gary: You're the biggest loo I've ever met!

Rick: Well I hope you like being a biker chick 'cause you're not going to see me or my car again.

John Van Owen: Imagine that.

Dex: Look at me. Look at me, okay? Technically, I shouldn't be getting laid, but I do. And do you know why, Dave? Because when I'm hanging out with a woman, that's all I'm doing is hanging out, talking, listening. I'm not sitting there thinking about how to get in bed with her. And this completely confuses them because they're saying "Wait a minute. I'm so much better looking than this guy. Isn't he attracted to me?" The basic principle: We pursue that which retreats from us.

Rick: It's from Heidegger.

Unnamed Guy Playing Poker: Groucho Marks said the same thing. "Act like a woman can't join your club, and she'll do almost anything to get in."

Dex: Do you want to have sex with this woman?

Dave: Definitely.

Dex: Okay, then you're violating the first rule of being Steve.

Dave: Who?

Dex: You must learn to eliminate your desire.

Rick: It's Buddhist.

Dex: I think the Taoists said it first.

Rick: Hey, are we gonna have a seminar or are we gonna play golf?

Dex: Just a short seminar on the elimination of desire, okay? If you're out with this girl and even THINKING about getting laid, you're finished, cuz women can smell an agenda like shit on a shoe.

Rick: Dex is just bitter because he's never been in love.

Dex: [Offended] I love my dog.

Rick: Can I talk to you second?

Dex: I'm blanching the butter.

Rick: Okay, Martha Stewart. When you're done?

Dex: But I think seriously that most people want a composite of the opposite sex. Ya know, cuz you gals aren't ever going to find Antonio Banderas with the personality of Fred MacMurray. And I'm never going to get Rachel Welch with the personality of Lucille Ball.

Syd: What's wrong with just Lucille Ball?

Rick: What's wrong with just Rachel Welch?

Dex: Amen! I mean my biggest fear is that I'm gonna marry the woman that I want to hang out with and talk to in my golden years and then die in a fiery car crash when I'm forty and I miss all those years of having sex.

Rick: There'll be walking.

Dex: [Unimpressed] Yeah?

Rick: And climbing.

Dex: I know.

Rick: Outdoors.

Dex: Shut the fuck up.

[At night, in their tents]

Dex: Good night, Rick!

Rick: Good night, Dex.

Dex: Good night, Maggie!

Maggie: Good night, John Boy.

Dex: Goodnight, Syd.

Syd: MY GOD DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING?

Rick: This is almost as ridiculous as your sleeping diet.

Dex: That time I lost 30 pounds.

Rick: You also lost your job.

Fred Simmons: Boom got him. Gotcha didn't she rick?

Rick: No, i was just doing what you told me to do.

Fred Simmons: Okay, everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Rick, you think you can beat this combination? Marge & I here think differently don't we Marge?

Marge: Yes sir.

Fred Simmons: Okay Rick, I want you to come at Marge with everything you got no holds barred full contact. & I'm gonna warn you. I don't think you're gonna like how this ends hotshot.

Fred Simmons: Marge, ready stance!

Marge: Yes sir.

Fred Simmons: & remember Marge, the distracting backfist, that's the key. Koonyay... seechack!

Fred Simmons: [after seeing Rick uppercut Marge and kick in the stomach while she's down] She still alive? Will someone please check her pulse?

Ferdy: You know, I got a worry.

Greg: Report from the front, Ferdy's got a worry.

Rick: Yeah?

Ferdy: What if these things can read our minds?

Rick: It'll be awful mad when it gets to me!

Rick: Let's send these fuckers a Rambo-gram.

Greg: Hey... How much do I owe you for the beer?

Rick: Forget it. If we get out of here, you can get me a six-pack.

Rick: Greg, man, you're not thinking. We made it this far by sticking together.

Greg: Yeah, and that really helped Suzie, right...?

Greg: Jesus!

Ferdy: What's that?

Rick: Robot blood!

Rick: It's rust.

Ethan: Magnify times four, please.

Rick: Now it's great big rust.

Rick: We got a goldmine here. I can smell it.

Al Bert: I can sure smell something.

Al Bert: Nuclear core is reading just shy of the red. Nearly to alert.

Rick: Radiation?

Al Bert: Negative. It looks more like natural decay. I'd give her about a month before we all glow in the dark.

Bernie: Don't kind about shit like that. Just show me where the pharmacy is.

Al Bert: What's the matter? Feeling a little bit under the weather there Bernie?

Judge Pierce: How's is goin' guys?

Tommy: Hey, good.

Rick: Beautiful house, sir.

Edgar: Oh yeah, beautiful house. If I gotta take a dump, I'm taking it home with me.

Angus: I'm still here, *asshole*! I'll *always* be here!

[begins to violently push Rick across the dance floor]

Angus: You push me down and I'll get right back up again, and again, and *again*, and *again* and * again*!

[Rick falls, hitting his head on the steps to the stage]

Angus: I could beat you *right* here, *right* now! But *I don't want* to be better than you, Rick! *I don't want* to be better than *anybody*! I want to be who I *am*: a *fat* kid, who's good at science, and fair at football. That's who I *am*! I can *live* with it. Why can't you?

Rick: Because it's not normal. *You're* not normal.

Angus: And who is? You?

Rick: You bet your ass.

Angus: And so what? to be normal, we all have to be like YOU? There are 400 people in this room that are *nothing* like you! Some of them are fat, some of them are skinny. Some of them are tall, some of them are short. Some of them have braces, some of them have birth marks, or scars, or frizzy hair, or *ears that stick out*!

[Troy's head pops up out of crowd]

Angus: But most of them probably walk through these halls *every day*, never telling anybody the truth about what they really want, or need, or believe, because people like you, *normal* people like *you*, have them *terrified* of being who they are. I mean, if *you're* normal, what does that make them? So which is it, Rick? Are you normal? Or are you just one of us?

Rick: Whatever I am, it's something you're never gonna be.

Angus: Thank God.

Rick: I'd lend you my shirt, but I'm afraid it might rip.

Troy: That's because it's cheap... Like your mother.

Rick: Isn't Angus a cow's name?

Angus: Moo.

[Punches Rick in the face]

[reading the local newspaper to Jack]

Rick: When asked his impression of his new manager, Elliot replied "I have much to learn from Uchiyama-San and will gladly strive to shed all my old, disgusting ways of laziness and become my best under his guidance." Very harmonious of you, Jack.

[Jack has been chatting with an opposing American player]

Rick: Yeah, by the way, we're doing a pick-off move...

[pick-off occurs]

Rick: Now!

[Jack barely avoids being outed]

Rick: Mr. Baseball too fast.

Jack Elliot: [sarcastically] Thanks.

Joe: You become a farmer?

Rick: No, Joe, I'm an actor dressed as a farmer... for an audition.

Joe: Sorry.

Neil McCormick: Hello? Hi, where is Hammond?

Rick: Are you the new runners?

Neil McCormick: No, no no, of course we are not the new runners. We're the McCormicks! We're Hammond's new act, we're just here to sign the old contracts.

Rick: Hammond is history. Axed. Kept spunking cash into Kajagoogoo. I'm the new Hammond.

Neil McCormick: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What was the last thing he said before he left?

Rick: Let me think uh... "I'm gonna sue you bastards right through the arsehole". Then he sort of... broke down. It was all very uncool.

Ivan McCormick: Yeah but he did tell you about our deal?

Neil McCormick: And the fifty grand advance?

Rick: Oh yeah... it's ringing bells. Ding-a-ling-ling! But I would say a hundred's more realistic.

Ivan McCormick: [surprised] A hundred grand?

Rick: Yeah! I'll tell you what: You boys will look fucking fantastic on camera! We'll do you a video to rival Duran Duran.

Neil McCormick: Ok, yeah!

Rick: And we'll shoot it ON THE MOON!

Ivan McCormick: What? Really?

Rick: NO! Not really! In fact, I'll tell you why you boys will never be signed to this label. You look like a pair of mental fortune tellers from a gypsy fair. And Hammond liked you, therefore, I hate you! I wouldn't sign you to this label if you paid me a hundred grand and let me John Paul Pope your mother.

Rick: Smells like Godzilla's butthole...

Harry: W-what's the matter, hotshot? Don't you like your new size?

Merrie: I was big enough before.

Harry: Heh, look what happened to us. And all these girls can think of is their, modesty! Ha ha!

Merrie: Fred... Fred, what have we done?

Fred: Well whatever it is, we're stuck with it.

Harry: Stuck with it. So why don't we make the most of it? It's gonna make a difference!

Rick: Yeah. I was just thinking... wait til' my old man gets tough with me again, eh?

Jean: W-we're freaks, Rick.

Harry: Maybe we are, but you just wait til' the next guy who asks me for my I.D. card. Oh, boy!

Harry: Yeah!

Pete: Now maybe it won't be so easy for them to kick us around anymore!

Elsa: Them?

Pete: The adults, honey! This isn't there world anymore, it's gonna be ours!

Rick: Yeah. We turn the tables on them. Come on, let's split and have some fun, eh?

Fred: Yeah. Yeah, let's get out of here.

Merrie: But I don't have anything to wear!

Rick: Forget it, man. C'mon ... I think this guy's gay.

Rick: That guy was a sucker, man. Carmen, file this.

[He hands her the "accounting book" -- a trashed out spiral notebook.]

Carmen: [rolls eyes and files the book by tossing it aside on a nearby table.]

Rick: Damn. Take all my money out of that bank.

Carmen: We don't have an account.

Woods: [Voice Over] And for my hard work and talents, I would be a long over due raise. This was it. The fruits of my labor was finally acknowledged.

Rick: $55c more an hour. Now that is a 15% raise.

Slovo: I'm bleeding.

Rick: Garbage doesn't bleed, it rots man.

Lou Bloom: I'm promoting you to executive Vice President of video news.

Rick: What am I now?

Lou Bloom: You're an assistant.

Rick: Does it come with a raise?

Lou Bloom: Absolutely.

Rick: How much?

Lou Bloom: Pick a number, you pick a number.

Rick: Hundred... hundred... 75 dollars a night.

Lou Bloom: Agreed.

Rick: Wait what about more?

Lou Bloom: Not now, we closed the deal.

Rick: I could have gotten more couldn't I?

Lou Bloom: Absolutely.

Lou Bloom: Why hire you? Sell yourself. Go.

Rick: Okay. Well, I'm Rick, of course. I took three buses to get here. I finished high school. I need a job. I'll do just about anything. That's me. Hire Rick.

Rick: You saw him. You saw him!

Lou Bloom: I can't jeopardize my company's success to retain an untrustworthy employee.

Rick: You're crazy. You're crazy.

Lou Bloom: You took my bargaining power Rick. You used it against me. You would've done it again. Just admit it.

Rick: I don't know. I don't know.

Lou Bloom: I know. I know.

Rick: You gotta call the cops.

Lou Bloom: And we will. At the right time.

Lou Bloom: Do you know Los Angeles?

Rick: Yeah, grew up all around this place.

Lou Bloom: Can you start tonight?

Rick: Doing what?

Lou Bloom: I run a successful T.V news business, maybe you saw my item this morning fatal carjacking

Rick: I don't have a T.V, that sounds cool

Lou Bloom: Do you have a phone?

Rick: Yeah

Lou Bloom: Does it have GPS?

Rick: Hey man don't film that, he's one of us

Lou Bloom: Not anymore, Rick, we're professionals, he's a sale

Lou Bloom: Stay in the car.

Rick: Why?

Lou Bloom: Because I said so.

Rick: Slow down, man.

[Lou speeds up]

Rick: That's too fast.

Jean: I want the locks changed again in the morning.

Rick: You what? Look, why don't you just go lie down, huh? Have you checked on James?

Jean: Well of course I've checked on James. I've checked on him every five minutes since we've been home. Do not patronize me. I want the locks changed again in the morning.

Rick: Shhh. It's ok. Just go to bed, all right?

Jean: [interrupting] You know what, didn't I just tell you not to treat me like a child?

Maria: I'm sorry Mrs. Jean. It's okay?... I go home now?

Rick: It's fine. Thank you very much for staying Maria.

Maria: You're welcome. No problem. Goodnight Mrs. Jean.

Jean: [Rudely] Goodnight.

Rick: [to Maria] We'll see you tomorrow.

Jean: I would like the locks changed again in the morning. And you know what, you might mention that next time we'd appreciate it if they didn't send a gang member...

Rick: A gang member?

Jean: Yes, yes.

Rick: What do you mean? That kid in there?

Jean: Yes. The guy in there with the shaved head, the pants around his ass, the prison tattoos.

Rick: Those are not prison tattoos.

Jean: [Interrupting] Oh really? And he's not gonna go sell our key to one of his gang banger friends the moment he is out our door?

Rick: You've had a really tough night. I think it would be best if you just went upstairs right now and...

Jean: [Interrupting] And what? Wait for them to break in?

Jean: [Yelling] I just had a gun pointed in my face!

Rick: [Agitated] You lower you voice!

Jean: [Yelling] ... and it was my fault because I knew it was gonna happen. But if a white person sees two black men walking towards her and she turns and walks in the other direction, she's a racist, right?

[Furious]

Jean: Well I got scared and I didn't say anything and ten seconds later I had a

[Jabbing her finger into Rick's chest]

Jean: gun in my face. Now I am telling you, your amigo in there is gonna sell our key to one of his homies and this time it'd be really fucking great if you acted like you actually gave a shit!

Rick: Fuck! Why do these guys have to be black? I mean, why? No matter how we spin this thing, I'm either gonna lose the black vote or I'm gonna lose the law and order vote!

Karen: You know, I think you're worrying too much. You have a lot of support in the black community.

Rick: All right. If we can't duck this thing, we're gonna have to neutralize it. What we need is a picture of me pinning a medal on a black man. Bruce? The firefighter - the one that saved the camp or something - Northridge... what's his name?

Bruce: He's Iraqi.

Rick: He's Iraqi? Well, he looks black.

Bruce: He's dark-skinned, sir, but he's Iraqi, his name's Saddam Hassif.

Rick: Saddam? His name's Saddam? Oh, that's real good, Bruce. Yeah, I'm gonna pin a medal on an Iraqi named Saddam. Give yourself a raise, will you?

Rick: I'm betting that the redhead you followed is the same person who told Tyler to throw the fight. She's one. Shooter's two. Tyler's three. The drunk who shouted the signal is four and whoever was on the other end of that radio is five. Five people make a conspiracy, right?

Rick: This is fight night and I am the king.

Rick: Jesus, Bob, you never told us anything about not mentioning dogs.

Bob: The reason nobody mentioned dogs, Rick, is that to mention the dog would have been a hex in itself.

Rick: All right, well, now we are on the subject, are there an other stupid things we aren't supposed to mention that will affect our future?

Rick: Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.

[last lines]

Rick: Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Major Strasser: What is your nationality?

Rick: I'm a drunkard.

Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

[all laugh]

Yvonne: Where were you last night?

Rick: That's so long ago, I don't remember.

Yvonne: Will I see you tonight?

Rick: I never make plans that far ahead.

Captain Renault: What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?

Rick: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.

Captain Renault: The waters? What waters? We're in the desert.

Rick: I was misinformed.

Rick: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you're getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: But, Richard, no, I... I...

Rick: Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn't that true, Louie?

Captain Renault: I'm afraid Major Strasser would insist.

Ilsa: You're saying this only to make me go.

Rick: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: But what about us?

Rick: We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you.

Rick: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.

[Ilsa lowers her head and begins to cry]

Rick: Now, now...

[Rick gently places his hand under her chin and raises it so their eyes meet]

Rick: Here's looking at you kid.

Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?

Captain Renault: I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!

[a croupier hands Renault a pile of money]

Croupier: Your winnings, sir.

Captain Renault: [sotto voce] Oh, thank you very much.

[aloud]

Captain Renault: Everybody out at once!

Rick: And remember, this gun is pointed right at your heart.

Captain Renault: That is my *least* vulnerable spot.

[Ugarte sells exit visas]

Ugarte: You despise me, don't you?

Rick: If I gave you any thought I probably would.

Rick: Don't you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this? I mean what you're fighting for.

Victor Laszlo: You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die.

Rick: Well, what of it? It'll be out of its misery.

Victor Laszlo: You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart.

Ilsa: Play it once, Sam. For old times' sake.

Sam: [lying] I don't know what you mean, Miss Ilsa.

Ilsa: Play it, Sam. Play "As Time Goes By."

Sam: [lying] Oh, I can't remember it, Miss Ilsa. I'm a little rusty on it.

Ilsa: I'll hum it for you. Da-dy-da-dy-da-dum, da-dy-da-dee-da-dum...

[Sam begins playing]

Ilsa: Sing it, Sam.

Sam: [singing] You must remember this / A kiss is still a kiss / A sigh is just a sigh / The fundamental things apply / As time goes by. / And when two lovers woo, / They still say, "I love you" / On that you can rely / No matter what the future brings-...

Rick: [rushing up] Sam, I thought I told you never to play-...

[Sees Ilsa. Sam closes the piano and rolls it away]

Ilsa: I wasn't sure you were the same. Let's see, the last time we met...

Rick: Was La Belle Aurore.

Ilsa: How nice, you remembered. But of course, that was the day the Germans marched into Paris.

Rick: Not an easy day to forget.

Ilsa: No.

Rick: I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.

Rick: Alright, I'll make it easier for you-

[walks closer to Ilsa]

Rick: Go ahead and shoot. You'll be doing me a favor.

Major Strasser: Are you one of those people who cannot imagine the Germans in their beloved Paris?

Rick: It's not particularly my beloved Paris.

Heinz: Can you imagine us in London?

Rick: When you get there, ask me!

Captain Renault: Hmmh! Diplomatist!

Major Strasser: How about New York?

Rick: Well there are certain sections of New York, Major, that I wouldn't advise you to try to invade.

Rick: I congratulate you.

Victor Laszlo: What for?

Rick: Your work.

Victor Laszlo: I try.

Rick: We *all* "try"; *You* succeed!

Rick: Who are you really, and what were you before? What did you do and what did you think, huh?

Ilsa: We said no questions.

Rick: ...Here's looking at you, kid.

Major Strasser: [arriving too late to stop Victor Laszlo from escaping] What was the meaning of that phone call?

Captain Renault: [pointing to the plane] Victor Laszlo is on that plane.

Major Strasser: [after looking at the plane] Why do you stand here? Why don't you stop him?

Captain Renault: Ask Mr. Rick.

Rick: [sees Strasser begin to move toward the telephone, and draws a gun] Get away from that phone!

Major Strasser: I would advise you not to interfere.

Rick: I was willing to shoot Captain Renault and I'm willing to shoot you.

Major Strasser: [picks up the telephone] Hello?

Rick: Put that phone down!

Major Strasser: Get me the radio tower.

Rick: PUT IT DOWN!

[Strasser draws a gun, he and Rick both fire simultaneously, Strasser falls mortally wounded, shortly afterward, some police arrive on the scene]

Captain Renault: Major Strasser's been shot.

[Renault looks at Rick, Rick gives him a look]

Captain Renault: Round up the usual suspects.

[the police pick up Major Strasser's body and leave, Renault looks over at Rick, who is smiling]

Rick: You know what I want to hear.

Sam: [lying] No, I don't.

Rick: You played it for her, you can play it for me!

Sam: [lying] Well, I don't think I can remember...

Rick: If she can stand it, I can! Play it!

Rick: I stick my neck out for *nobody*!

Victor Laszlo: Everything is in order.

Rick: All except one thing. There's something you should know before you leave.

Victor Laszlo: Mr. Blaine, I don't ask you to explain anything.

Rick: I'm going to anyway because it may make a difference to you later on. You said you knew about Ilsa and me.

Victor Laszlo: Yes.

Rick: What you didn't know was that she was at my place last night when you were. She came there for the letters of transit. Isn't that true, Ilsa?

Ilsa: Yes.

Rick: She tried everything to get them and nothing worked. She did her best to convince me she was still in love with me but that was over long ago. For your sake she pretended it wasn't and I let her pretend.

Victor Laszlo: I understand.

Rick: Here it is.

[hands Lazlo the letters of transit]

Victor Laszlo: Thanks. I appreciate it. Welcome back to the fight. This time I *know* our side will win.

[airplane engines start]

Victor Laszlo: Are you ready, Ilsa?

Ilsa: Yes, I'm ready. Good-bye Rick. God bless you.

Rick: You better hurry. You'll miss that plane.

Ilsa: Rick, I have to talk to you.

Rick: [Rick is drunk] Uh-huh. I saved my first drink to have with you. Here.

[passes her a drink]

Ilsa: No. No, Rick, not tonight.

Rick: *Especially* tonight.

Ilsa: Please...

[he pours a drink]

Rick: Why did you have to come to Casablanca? There are other places.

Ilsa: I wouldn't have come if I'd known that you were here. Believe me Rick, it's true I didn't know...

Rick: It's funny about your voice, how it hasn't changed. I can still hear it. "Richard, dear, I'll go with you anyplace. We'll get on a train together and never stop - "

Ilsa: Don't, Rick! I can understand how you feel.

Rick: [scoffs] You understand how I feel. How long was it we had, honey?

Ilsa: [on the verge of tears] I didn't count the days.

Rick: Well, I did. Every one of 'em. Mostly I remember the last one. The wow finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look in his face because his insides have been kicked out.

Ilsa: Can I tell you a story, Rick?

Rick: Has it got a wow finish?

Ilsa: I don't know the finish yet.

Rick: Well, go on. Tell it - maybe one will come to you as you go along.

Ilsa: It's about a girl who had just come to Paris from her home in Oslo. At the house of some friends, she met a man about whom she'd heard her whole life. A very great and courageous man. He opened up for her a whole beautiful world full of knowledge and thoughts and ideals. Everything she knew or ever became was because of him. And she looked up to him and worshiped him... with a feeling she supposed was love.

Rick: [bitterly] Yes, it's very pretty. I heard a story once - as a matter of fact, I've heard a lot of stories in my time. They went along with the sound of a tinny piano playing in the parlor downstairs. "Mister, I met a man once when I was a kid," it always began.

[laughs]

Rick: Well, I guess neither one of our stories is very funny. Tell me, who was it you left me for? Was it Lazlo, or were there others in between or... aren't you the kind that tells?

[Ilsa tearfully and silently leaves. Rick's face falls in his hands sadly, knowing that he's said all the wrong things]

Captain Renault: I've often speculated why you don't return to America. Did you abscond with the church funds? Run off with a senator's wife? I like to think you killed a man. It's the Romantic in me.

Rick: It was a combination of all three.

Sam: Boss, ain't you going to bed?

Rick: Not right now.

Sam: Ain't you planning on going to bed in the near future?

Rick: No.

Sam: You ever going to bed?

Rick: No!

Sam: Well, I ain't sleepy either.

Rick: If it's December 1941 in Casablanca, what time is it in New York?

Sam: What? My watch stopped.

Rick: I'd bet they're asleep in New York. I'd bet they're asleep all over America.

Ilsa: A franc for your thoughts.

Rick: In America they'd bring only a penny, and, huh, I guess that's about all they're worth.

Ilsa: Well, I'm willing to be overcharged. Tell me.

Rick: Well, I was wondering...

Ilsa: Yes?

Rick: Why I'm so lucky. Why I should find you waiting for me to come along.

Ilsa: Why there is no other man in my life?

Rick: Uh-huh.

Ilsa: That's easy: there was. And he's dead.

Annina: Monsieur Rick, what kind of a man is Captain Renault?

Rick: Oh, he's just like any other man, only more so.

Captain Renault: [after Rick pulls a gun on him] Have you lost your mind?

Rick: I have. Sit down!

Captain Renault: Put that gun down!

Rick: I don't want to shoot you, but I will if you take one more step!

Captain Renault: [With amusement] Under the circumstances I will sit down.

Ilsa: [laughs ironically] With the whole world crumbling, we pick this time to fall in love.

Rick: Yeah, it's pretty bad timing. Where were you, say, ten years ago?

Ilsa: [trying to be cheerful] Ten years ago? Well, let's see...

[remembers, smiles]

Ilsa: Oh, yes, I was having a brace put on my teeth. Where were you?

Rick: Looking for a job.

Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?

Captain Renault: I'm shocked... shocked to find that gambling is going on in there.

Croupier: Your winnings sir.

Captain Renault: [sotto voce] Oh, thank you very much.

[denying an official of the German National Bank entrance to the casino]

Rick: Your cash is good at the bar.

Banker: What? Do you know who I am?

Rick: I do. You're lucky the *bar's* open to you.

Rick: I'm on their blacklist - their roll of honor!

Ugarte: Well, Rick, after tonight, I'll be through with the whole business and I am leaving finally this Casablanca.

Rick: Who did you bribe for your visa? Renault or yourself?

Ugarte: Myself. I found myself much more reasonable.

[repeated line]

Rick: Here's looking at you, kid.

[Rick and Renault discussing Victor Laszlo's chances of escaping Casablanca]

Captain Renault: This is the end of the chase.

Rick: Twenty thousand francs says it isn't.

Captain Renault: Is that a serious offer?

Rick: I just paid out twenty. I'd like to get it back.

Captain Renault: Make it ten. I'm only a poor corrupt official.

Ugarte: Rick, think of all the poor devils who can't meet Renault's price. I get it for them for half. Is that so... parasitic?

Rick: I don't mind a parasite. I object to a cut-rate one.

Major Strasser: We have a complete dossier on you: Richard Blaine, American, age 37. Cannot return to his country. The reason is a little vague. We also know what you did in Paris, Mr. Blaine, and also we know why you left Paris.

[hands the dossier to Rick]

Major Strasser: Don't worry, we are not going to broadcast it.

Rick: [reading] Are my eyes really brown?

Sam: Let's get outta here.

Rick: No Sam, I'm waiting for a lady.

Sam: Please boss, let's go. Ain't nothing but trouble for you here.

Rick: She's coming back. I know she's coming back.

Sam: We'll take the car. We'll drive all night. We'll get drunk. We'll go fishing and stay away until she's gone.

Rick: Shut up and go home, will ya?

Sam: No sir, I'm staying right here.

[Annina is contemplating Renault's offer of exit visas for sex]

Annina: Oh, monsieur, you are a man. If someone loved you very much, so that your happiness was the only thing that she wanted in the world, but she did a bad thing to make certain of it, could you forgive her?

Rick: Nobody ever loved me that much.

Annina: And he never knew, and the girl kept this bad thing locked in her heart? That would be all right, wouldn't it?

Rick: You want my advice?

Annina: Oh, yes, please.

Rick: Go back to Bulgaria.

Captain Renault: My dear Ricky, you overestimate the influence of the Gestapo. I don't interfere with them and they don't interfere with me. In Casablanca I am master of my fate! I am...

Police Officer: Major Strasser is here, sir!

Rick: You were saying?

Captain Renault: Excuse me.

Rick: I don't like disturbances in my place.

[to the German officer]

Rick: Either lay off politics, or get out.

Victor Laszlo: Are you enough of a businessman to appreciate an offer of 100,000 francs?

Rick: I appreciate it, but I don't accept it.

Victor Laszlo: You ran guns to Ethiopia. You fought against the fascists in Spain.

Rick: What of it?

Victor Laszlo: Isn't it strange that you always happen to be fighting on the side of the underdog?

Rick: Yes. I found that a very expensive hobby, too. But then I never was much of a businessman.

Rick: What makes you think I'd stick my neck out for Laszlo?

Captain Renault: Because, one, you bet 10.000 francs he'd escape. Two, you've got the letters of transit. Don't bother to deny it. And you might want to do it simply because you don't like Strasser's looks. As a matter of fact, I don't like them either.

Rick: [chuckles] They're all excellent reasons.

Captain Renault: In 1935, you ran guns to Ethiopia. In 1936, you fought in Spain, on the Loyalist side.

Rick: I got well paid for it on both occasions.

Captain Renault: The *winning* side would have paid you *much better*.

Ilsa: I can't fight it anymore. I ran away from you once. I can't do it again. Oh, I don't know what's right any longer. You have to think for both of us. For all of us.

Rick: All right, I will. Here's looking at you, kid.

Ilsa: [smiles] I wish I didn't love you so much.

Captain Renault: Hello Rick.

Rick: Hello Louis.

Captain Renault: How extravagant you are, throwing away women like that. Someday they may be scarce. You know, now I think I shall pay a call on Yvonne. Maybe get her on the rebound. Hmm?

Rick: When it comes to women, you're a true democrat.

Rick: [to Ilsa] I wouldn't bring up Paris if I were you, it's poor salesmanship.

[Of Victor Laszlo, who wants to escape from Casablanca]

Captain Renault: No matter how clever he is, he still needs an exit visa... or I should say two?

Rick: Why two?

Captain Renault: He is traveling with a lady.

Rick: He'll take one.

Captain Renault: I think not. I have seen the lady.

Yvonne: [Yvonne is drunk] Give me another.

Rick: Sascha, she's had enough.

Yvonne: Don't listen to him, Sascha. Fill it up!

Sascha: Yvonne, I loff you, but he pays me.

Rick: Why did you come back? To tell me why you ran out on me at the railway station?

Ilsa: ...Yes.

Rick: Well, you can tell me now. I'm reasonably sober.

Captain Renault: Rick, there are many exit visas sold in this café, but we know that *you've* never sold one. That is the reason we permit you to remain open.

Rick: Oh? I thought it was because I let you win at roulette.

Captain Renault: That is *another* reason.

Rick: I'm sorry for asking. I forgot we said "no questions".

Ilsa: Well, only one answer can take care of all our questions.

[She approaches his lips for a kiss]

Rick: You'll excuse me, gentlemen. Your business is politics, mine is running a saloon.

Rick: [getting drunk] First they take Ugarte and then she walks in. Well, I guess that's the way it goes... one out and one in.

[at the bar, where Yvonne and a German officer are ordering drinks]

French Officer Insulting Yvonne: [in French, to Yvonne] Say, you are French, yet you go out with a German like this!

Yvonne: [in French] What are you butting in for?

French Officer Insulting Yvonne: [in French] I am butting in...

Yvonne: [in French] It's none of your business!

[the German officer approaches the Frenchman]

German Officer with Yvonne: [in English to the French officer] What did you say to her? Would you kindly repeat it to me?

French Officer Insulting Yvonne: [in English] What I said is none of your business.

German Officer with Yvonne: Then I will make it my business!

[brief scuffle between German officer and French officer; Yvonne screams at them in French to stop; Rick intervenes and orders them to desist]

Rick: I don't like disturbances in my place. Either lay off politics or get out!

[other French officers come forward and forcibly remove the French officer from the club]

French Officer Insulting Yvonne: [in French, to German officer] Dirty Boche. Someday we'll have our revenge!

Senor Ferrari: What do you want for Sam?

Rick: I don't buy or sell human beings.

Senor Ferrari: Too bad. That's Casablanca's leading commodity. With refugees alone we can make a fortune if you work with me through the black market.

Rick: Suppose you run your business and let me run mine.

Ilsa: [crying] Richard, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but you are our last hope. If you won't help us, Victor Laszlo will die in Casablanca.

Rick: What of it? I'm gonna die in Casablanca. It's a good spot for it.

[Rick has just allowed Jan and Annina Brandel to win at roulette in order to get money for their exit visas]

Sascha: [kissing Rick on both cheeks] You have done a beautiful thing!

Rick: [embarrassed] Get outta here, you crazy Russian!

Ugarte: Heh, you know, watching you just now with the Deutsche Bank, one would think you've been doing this all your life.

Rick: Oh, what makes you think I haven't?

Ugarte: Oh, n-n-n-nothing, but when you first came to Casablanca, I thought...

Rick: You thought what?

Ugarte: Hm, what right do I have to think, huh?

Rick: Tell me, who was it you left me for? Was it Laszlo, or were there others in between? Or - aren't you the kind that tells?

Victor Laszlo: I know a good deal more about you than you suspect. I know, for instance, that you're in love with a woman. It is perhaps a strange circumstance that we both should be in love with the same woman. The first evening I came to this café, I knew there was something between you and Ilsa. Since no one is to blame, I - I demand no explanation. I ask only one thing. You won't give me the letters of transit: all right, but I want my wife to be safe. I ask you as a favor, to use the letters to take her away from Casablanca.

Rick: You love her that much?

Victor Laszlo: Apparently you think of me only as the leader of a cause. Well, I'm also a human being. Yes, I love her that much.

Rick: *I'm* the only "cause" I'm interested in.

[Ugarte gives letter of transit to Rick for safe keeping]

Ugarte: Rick, I hope you're more impressed with me, now? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll share my luck with your roulette wheel.

[Starts to walk away]

Rick: [stands up; Ugarte stops] Just a moment. I heard a rumor those two German couriers were carrying letter of transit.

Ugarte: Huh? Oh, huh, I heard that rumor too. Poor devils.

Rick: [sternly] You're right, Ugarte. I *am* a little more impressed with you.

[Rick exits casino]

Ugarte: Too bad about those two German couriers, wasn't it?

Rick: They got a lucky break. Yesterday they were just two German clerks. Today they're the "Honored Dead".

Ugarte: You are a very cynical person, Rick, if you'll forgive me for saying so.

Rick: [shortly] I forgive you.

Captain Renault: Is everything ready?

Rick: [points to his jacket pocket] I have the letters right here.

Captain Renault: Tell me, when we searched the place, where were they?

Rick: Sam's piano.

Captain Renault: [looks at the piano] Serves me right for not being musical.

Captain Renault: [suspecting that Rick has the letters of transit] Rick, have you got those letters of transit?

Rick: Louis, are you pro-Vichy or Free French?

Captain Renault: [laughs] Serves me right for asking a direct question. The subject is closed.

Rick: He's just a lucky guy.

Rick: All those years, living the live of someone I didn't even know.

Rick: You gave me peace. You gave me what the world can't give. Mercy. Love. Joy. All else is cloud. Mist. Be with me. Always.

[last lines]

Rick: Begin.

Rick: [voice over] I spent 30 years... not living life... but ruining it... for myself... and others... I can't remember... the man... I wanted to be...

Rick: See the palm trees? They tell you anything's possible.

Rick: Oh... life.

Karen: [dancing in a night club in a sexy outfit] You live in a little fantasy world, don't you ?

Rick: [watching her] Are you ?

Karen: Yes...

[smiles]

Karen: Because it's so much more fun...

Rick: Enjoy yours ?

Karen: [she nods smiling] Changes every day... I can be whatever I wanna be... Don't forget that... You can be whoever you want to be...

[laughs, kisses him, smiles]

Karen: You can be an asshole. You can be a saint...

Rick: Save what you can of your life. Don't lose it all just because you've lost a part.

Rick: I'm going to round up my buddies and we are going straight to Cheryl's house to get some answers!

Rick: That's it? Where's the rest of the letter?

Alice Bloom: I ate it. I memorized it, and then I ate it.

[first lines]

Heather: Are you alright?

Rick: Are your parents still together?

Heather: Yeah, why?

Rick: My mother used to see this guy, Frank. He's was an illustrator, not that he had done anything. But he used to bring me these books, children's books, as gifts. He eventually uh, left my mom - most of them did. Anyway, he bought me this, this one book, and it was the only book that I begged my mom to read to me. It was called Ferdinand, Ferdinand the Bull. And he wrote on the inside, To a very special kid. And then, Life's a matador. And then signed, Frank. It's my favorite book.

George: Let's go get something to eat, Rick, then I'll drive the bus for awhile.

Rick: I need you to do me a favor, George.

George: Rick, you can't drive the Spotted Owl the whole way, now.

Rick: That's not it. If the base calls in, you tell them I got sick.

George: Why?

Rick: Because I'm not coming back.

George: Shit, what the hell do you mean you're not coming back?

Rick: I can't do it.

George: Oh come on, stop bullshitting, you're just trying to go to Graceland.

Rick: I'd be safer there.

George: Meaning what, what do you think we're going to do, put you in a pot of boiling water and have you for supper?

Rick: You already got the damn African drums in there.

George: You know Rick, that's the epitome of cultural disrespect. I could come back at you with something anti-Semitic or I could whip your ass, which would you prefer, Rick?

Rick: I'm sorry. Alright, George, here it is. Maybe I am a little bit prejudiced against blacks but no more than you're prejudiced against white people. You want me to stay on and prove how liberal and shit I am? I don't have to prove anything to anybody. I mean I think affirmative action has been fucked up. I think OJ was guilty, he's a cold blooded murderer who slaughtered two innocent human beings, okay. There it is.

George: I'll bet you wish there were more white players in the NBA, too, huh? Well okay, let's just get it out in the open. I'll bet you'd like to call me a nigger or, what do you call it, a schvartze, or whatever the fuck it is. Well, I'm going to allow you to say it, go ahead.

Rick: I never called anybody that in my life. All I'm saying is that if this bus is going to the Farrakhan march, I can't be a part of that.

George: This is not just Farrakhan's march.

Rick: I don't want to debate this thing. He called Judaism a gutter religion; he said Hitler was a great man. I wouldn't expect you to drive a bus to a Ku Klux Klan rally, so don't expect me to do this.

George: So now you're comparing this to a Klan rally.

Rick: Look George, either you're going to kick my ass, you're going to cover for me or I'm going to get fired. But no way am I getting my white ass back in that bus, so what's it going to be?

George: Well, if you feel that way, then you shouldn't get your white ass back on that bus. I'll cover for you, Rick. See you in LA.

Rick: Thanks, George.

Rod: Man, that was a good movie! An Inconvenient Truth!

Rick: That is it, I'm getting myself a car that's environmentally friendly.

Rick: Where the fuck am I gonna find M&Ms?

Edith: You met the owner of the house. What's he like?

Rick: It's difficult to say, really. He was half-hidden behind a table.

Rick: [viewing Suzy's mutilated body] No one can dare say that THIS was an accident.

Rick: Just as I thought: The rope wasn't worn; it was cut. At this point, there's only one explanation: Deliberate murder.

Rick: What's this? What's that strange shadow near the frame of the door? That almost looks like a man's head.

Dermot: Yes, it does. That's exactly what I thought, but it just can't be. Still, it does look like a man's head, with a hood on it.

[last lines]

Rick: The man that said life is stranger than fiction made no mistake.

Jim Maddison: Sometimes I have a feeling of doom.

Rick: All I know is there are two forms of life fighting for survival here in this valley, and only one of them can win. It's got to be us!

Rick: [Looking at the still moist bones of a rabbit] Do you think he ate that?

Jim Maddison: Forty-nine roentens. Do you think a man could eat that poisonous meat and live?

Rick: THere might be an entirely new set of laws, Jim, that we know nothing about.

Rick: Hey demon skank!

Sully: Hey guys, do you think we can do the interview now?

Rick: Yeah, uh... so what are we doing again?

Sully: You know, I just graduated from film school and wanted to make a documentary, and I thought this would be an interesting story.

Bun: This won't be a bad story, will it?

Sully: Oh no, it's not bad at all.

Bun: Good. The last person that did a bad story on us was found with a sword in her like Joan of Arc.

Robin: I thought Joan of Arc was burned at the stake?

Tom: No, I'm pretty sure she was accused of being a witch and drowned.

Bun: No, I think that was Alice Cooper.

Jay: How did this happen?

Rick: How does anything happen? Suddenly. Before you know it.

Studio engineer: [after recording a song; gives thumbs-up] Well?

Rick: [gives OK sign] It stinks!

Lee Stegler: Okay, the secret word was Pilgrim. I, eh, I figured that out.

Rick: What's the deal, Chiz?

Chiz: We're going to send a man to the moon.

Rick: You're kidding?

Lee Stegler: A man?

Chiz: One man all the way. It's called Pilgrim.

Chiz: All right, now, listen. A week before Pilgrim goes, we send up a shelter stocked with food, oxygen, all life support systems on the same type of bird. Everything's in here. There's systems, communications, trajectories and Dunc is my backup. Now, the shelter has a flashing beacon and a radar signal. And Surveyor will probably spot it too. Now, if I don't locate it with all that, I complete a figure eight around the moon, swing back, and reenter behind a beefed up heat shield. Now, three days later I'm getting stoned on a carrier as the band plays.

Rick: Who thought it up? An LSD research team?

Rick: Out there, somewhere, is a very, very, very unlucky saxophone player.